03x05 - Flash and Substance

[bunniefuu]

Gentlemen, we
live in brutal times.

Last week, to make ends meet,

I was reduced to hijacking

a tractor-trailer
full of sports cars.

That is so beneath you.

At least knock over a bank.

You gotta visualize.

Visualize?

What the heck does that mean?

If I don't visualize a
mortgage payment soon

the wife'll have me
bagging groceries for a living.

She's always been
an ice-queen, that one.

Captain Boomerang,
you old son of a wallaby.

Mirror Master, Captain Cold.

Does me good to
see the old faces.

Even the Trickster.

We heard you were out early.

Time off for good
behavior, you might say.

I cut me a good deal.

Got my sentence
down to five years.

And now they tell
me I'm reformed.

Reformed?

The man who robbed an
entire fleet of armored cars

in one month?

Now that was a crime.

Yeah, too bad the
Flash busted you

and you didn't get the
chance to spend a dime of it.

And you know what else?

Well, at least he didn't make me

eat my own laser kaleidoscope.

That's a rumor, a
complete exaggeration.

And anyway it
was a laser p*stol.

It's like that time I
stole an entire train

while it was moving.

The way people tell it,

you'd think the Flash
shoved my cold g*n...

You know, I've had
him on the ropes too.

Yeah, that's the way I heard it.

So we're the
hardest men in town...

What'll it be, boys?

Arnold Palmer. Cherry cola.

Decaf soy latte.

Milk.

My ulcer's been acting up.

The hardest men in town,

and we all have
something in common.

Bilateral symmetry.

We'd all be living like kings
if it weren't for the Flash.

Don't tell me. I'll say.

Yeah.

The Flash has put
each of us away

at one time or another.

He's interfered
with our livelihoods.

And to complete the insult,

the city has honored this
buttinsky with a museum.

Tomorrow's supposed
to be the biggest day

in the Flash's life.

I say we make it his last.

Wally, what do you got for me?

It's kinda great.

The luminol showed a
blood stain on the toe.

Couldn't type it,

'cause it was cleaned
off with dish soap.

But we went one better.

Turns out the soap
is the same brand

as the one in the
victim's kitchen.

Nice work. That's
the way to nail a crook.

It's one way.

Hey, I'm taking that
half-day, remember?

You need anything else?

Nope. Take off.

Bye, Wally. Later, Rick.

Take care. Later, Margie.

Have a good one. Later, Tony.

Watchtower, table for one.

Hey, guys.

So looks like Superman
and GL are in space,

Wonder Woman's doing disasters.

Why are you here?

Oh, right, uh,

'cause it's Flash
Appreciation Day?

Yeah, it'll be great.

I understand if everybody's
too busy to come.

No biggie.

My mom's gonna be there,

and let's see, my
uncle's flying in.

It'd be great if one of
the original seven made it.

I mean, okay, yeah,
it's a Flash Museum

but to me,

the whole league
deserves the honor. All of us.

Like I said, no biggie.

What time? Six o'clock.

No. You're really coming?

Awesome! You're
a standup guy, Bats.

Don't ever let them
call you a crazed loner.

Well, I got a lot to do.

I'm getting the key to the city,

I need to practice
my museum speech,

and hey, I better
polish my boots.

I can't believe you let that
buffoon manipulate you.

You'd never see me at one
of these museum openings.

It's not black tie, is it?

Hey, guys, how
they bitin'? Flash.

Congrats, man. Good going.

Hey, Flash, big day.

Hi, Ed.

Lurleen, that
bursitis any better?

I'll say. You really
know your liniment.

You're the best, Flash. Awesome.

Good going. You're so amazing.

Help!

Mommy, help!

Help, Mommy!

It's dark and I'm scared.

What's wrong, sweetie? You lost?

Come on, I'll take you... Hey!

♪ Everybody On the dance floor ♪

Mirror Master.

You're quick as ever.

Yeah? Well, you're...

You're not really all there.

Oh. Nice try.

If you had another minute,

you'd probably think
of a decent comeback.

♪ Ooh ♪

Sadly, you don't have the time.

♪ Everybody On the dance floor ♪

Ah! Ugh!

In another minute
you'll be dead.

♪ Come on and dance with me ♪

I was never fond of you, Flash.

But I'm a reasonable man.

If you just looked the
other way once in a while

we could have
coexisted in peace.

Instead, you never let up.

So you've gotta go.

That music is what's gotta go.

♪ Ooh, whoa ♪

While you're waiting for
me to come arrest you,

why not take some time
and reflect on your mistakes?

Hey, that was pretty good.

For his charitable work with
the city's underprivileged,

his bravery during
the Thanagarian crisis,

and most of all

for his great help reducing
crime in Central City,

I proclaim this Flash
Appreciation Day.

Thanks, mayor. Thanks, folks.

Heh. Wow.

You've all been so
great to me over the years

it really gets to me, you know?

Hope I always make
you guys proud.

Aww...

Um... that's all.

How's it going?

Nice slacks. Thanks.

Hey, Mrs. Green.

I didn't forget about
painting your fence Saturday.

Once I get started, it
won't take very long.

Tom, we still on for
mini golf Sunday?

Oh, don't tell me.

Boomerangs!

Clear the area!

That should do it.

Duh.

Ugh!

G'day, mate. Captain
Boomerang here.

Seems that Mirror Master
wasn't up to the task.

Now it's my sh*t.

I'm gonna k*ll you ugly, Flash,

and I want you to see it coming.

I swear, when I get out of this

I'm gonna find you
and hurl all over you.

Touch of dizziness?

You might find it useful

to fix on one point
on the horizon.

For instance,

that mountain you're
set to crash into.

Flash. Hey, guys.

You're tied to a very
large boomerang.

Yeah?

What are you guys doing here?

The thing isn't
for another hour.

Someone means to k*ll you.

You don't say?

Waller told me that
Boomerang left Task Force X.

So I did some checking.

Three other super-criminals
from Central City

are off the radar.

Hey, Mirror Master
took a sh*t at me too.

Here's what we're going to do.

I need to go home and change
before the opening tonight.

We're coming with you.

You really don't have to.

We're coming with you.

Okay, but you guys are so slow.

I can't believe you expect
us to kick in for that fiasco.

Don't you start pouting, Cold.

That stunt cost me a fortune.

Boomer, must you
always plead poverty?

I've got my overhead.

You just pull another mirror
out your blinkin' arsenal.

What's that cost? Nothin'.

Me next. It's my turn.

Nothing as stupid
as a giant boomerang.

Firstly, I get 400
cases of fake dog vomit.

I grease the bottoms of them,

and when the
Flash runs into them,

the whole mess slides
into a wall of metal spikes.

The cases break open,

and what's left of the Flash
is buried alive in phony barf.

And then,

everything explodes.

You know what?
Taking turns is dumb.

Let's just all jump
him at the museum.

Brilliant. Good deal.

But come on. It'll be great.

Okay, you don't like the barf?

I can make do with 50,000
rotten eggs and a chainsaw.

Well, if that's the
way you're gonna be,

forget about it! I quit!

Nobody gets me.

This is where you live?

Isn't it great?

Low maintenance fees,

and there's a laundry
room on the same floor.

The way you talk, I would
have thought your Central City

had built you a palace.

You get a big burst
of flavor in every bite!

Dude. That was my last standee.

It startled me.

Cool, huh?

The hard part is getting
the costume back into it.

Take these attempts on
your life more seriously.

What? Manure Master
and Captain Koala?

No way. Not just them.

Captain Cold and the Trickster.

That's four super-criminals
with an axe to grind.

If there were some
way to hunt them down

we could eliminate these
dogs before they strike again.

Look, I'll just round
them all up tomorrow.

They all hang out at this little

hole-in-the-wall on 4th Street.

My plan was solid.

I mean, what's so special
about a disco of death?

Heck with all of
them. I'm an artist,

they're just robbing banks.

Captain Cold, Captain Boomerang.

They probably would have
gone for it if I was a captain.

Gotcha.

It's a snot g*n. Ha, ha.

Where are the others?

Those crabby hacks can
go plug a hole for all I care.

But I'm not about
to rat 'em out.

Orion.

Talk. While you
still have a jaw.

Hey. Hey.

Would you guys please
take it down a notch?

Let me handle this.

James, you're off
your meds, aren't you?

I'm better off without 'em.

Take 'em if I
start feeling down.

You know that's not
how the medicine works.

You're not well.

I'm fine.

You wanna throw some darts?

No.

Listen, James, you're
wearing the suit again.

I am?

Well, what do you know.

Here's the deal, buddy.

Tell me where those guys went,

and I promise to come
see you in the hospital.

We'll play darts.

The soft kind.

Okay. They're gonna ambush
you at the Flash Museum.

See, that's all we needed.

Come on, we
better get over there.

What about your enemy?

Oh, right.

Dude, soon as you
finish your drink,

turn yourself in.

Got me again, Flash.

The Central-Keystone area's
beloved superhero, the Flash,

is on hand for the opening
of the new Flash Museum.

When we come back,
I'll try to get with him.

Uh, get to him for an interview.

Are we off? Jeez,
he's a total babe.

Like, the entire
track team at once.

I can't believe you're
not into him, Marla.

Okay, now you're off.

All clear on my end.

And I've removed every mirrored
surface in the entire museum.

To enter the building, they'd
have to come through us.

They'd be stupid to try.

Central City builds
statues to this fool

who makes bad jokes.

Who concerns himself with
pitiful men like the Trickster.

I don't understand.

No, you don't.

Flash, hi.

Over here. Evening news.

Uh-huh.

I'm going live again
in about 50 seconds.

Can I get a few
words from you then?

Huh? Uh, oh, sure.

Super. And, uh, here.

Oh, uh, thanks.

Thirty seconds, Linda.

Okay, let me touch up.

Shh.

Now!

Thanks, miss.

We'll take it from here.

If we aren't taking turns,

let's at least see who
hurts him the worst.

Better you than me.

Oh, Boomer. Not the
Turtle Man display.

Argh!

Hey, been lookin' for that.

You are so cleaning
this place up.

Make me.

Or rather, find me.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Ugh! There you are.

Time out, time out.

Hang on, lady.

Oof! Ugh!

I've never seen so many stars.

Are we dead?

Those aren't stars.

They're millions and
millions of mirrors.

We're trapped in
another dimension.

You mind if I carry you?

Please.

Did it work? Kinda.

We know that isn't the mirror
that takes us out of here.

We have to try
them one at a time?

That could take
years, even for you.

Where'd he go? He's gone.

Lost forever in a mirror.

Time to seek the nearest exit.

That's it?

I was all set to
cr*ck some bones.

Then brace yourself.

Let's make sure this
one don't get up again.

Missed me.

Flash, look.

This'll make my rep forever.

Argh!

Gentlemen.

Are you sure that's
all of the pieces?

I demand a full accounting.

Where's my lawyer?

I know my rights, you obscene
caricature of a civil servant!

So don't worry,

we took care of the bad guys,
and everything's okay now.

Flash, what about
the new museum?

It got destroyed in the battle,

and it was our
biggest shrine to you.

And you're our greatest hero,

our greatest hope.

Well, at least I
got to be on TV.

And you know
how much I like that.

Now I understand.

You play the fool to
hide a warrior's pain.

Dude, the bad guys went
down, and nobody got hurt.

You know what I call that?

A really good day.