01x05 - Dungeons & Dragnet

[bunniefuu]

[Agnes singing]

Jesus is the greatest Lord of all

- [pipe organ playing]

- High cheekbones, handsome and tall Better than Buddha who's fat and bald Or a six

-arm weirdo from Napalm Zeus and Xenu can suck his balls Jesus is the greatest Lord of all Amen! Thank you, Agnes, for that beautiful singing, and thank you all for being so generous on our special collection for our local police.

Big, old plate of money.

So that's why you dragged me in here.

What are you talking about? I love Jesus! He's a big red one with the horns, right? Brothers and Sisters, Jesus came to me in a vision last night.

Amen, brother! He told me the most evil thr*at to our way of life was not our Galmet.

No, it ain't And not the fact that Paradise holds the record for per capita child molesters.

Don't worry about them Pee

-pee touchers The greatest thr*at of all is the role

-playing board game Dungeons & Dragons! Yeah! Wait, what did he say? God said that this satanic ritual could open a portal to hell, releasing Satan himself, and kids have even been playing Dungeons & Dragons right here in Paradise!

- [all gasp]

- [lady faints]

And I know this to be true because my own son was tricked into playing, and just one game turned him gay! Can I get a virgin mango daiquiri?

- [all gasp]

- [lady faints]

I say Paradise PD doesn't deserve a penny until they wipe out the Dungeons & Dragons satanic cult.

[all]

Amen! God damn it, b*llet.

We needed that money.

b*llet? I was coming to God's house, but I didn't expect to meet an angel.

[laughs, shivers]

Sorry, I just gave myself a douche chill.

[chuckles]

I'm here every Sunday.

My daddy is the preacher.

So you're like me.

You have to be here, but you don't actually believe in this idiotic bullshit.

Of course, I believe in God, I'm a Christian.

And you passed my test! Nice to meet you.

I'm b*llet.

Christian.

Big, huge f*cking Christian.

Awesome! It's so hard to find any nice Christian men in this town.

I'd love to go on a date with you! He has risen.

Time to go, Chassidy.

Father Golem has volunteered

- to whip your brother straight again.



- [sucking lollipop]

[whipping]

[bellows]

[g*nshots]

[rapid f*ring]

Aah! [grunts]

Listen up! From now on, this department's goal is busting every single Dungeons & Dragons nerd in town.

Aw, yeah! Time to break in my nerd

-knocker.



- [baton swooshes]



- Hey, Dusty.

You ever go ass

-to

-ass with a nerd

-knocker? [dials]

Hello, HR? Yeah, she asked me to go ASS to ASS again.

What do you mean I should just do it? Gina, is that you? Dusty, did I forget to mention I'm the new head of HR? Is D&D actually illegal? Plus, we've got a lot of unsolved murders.

Blah, blah, murders, blah, blah.

Without that money from the church, we can't even afford enough expired bologna to feed our inmates.

Dusty, pick one of 'em scumbags in jail and release them.

Chief, how am I going to decide which one I should let go? [shouts]

Just pick one! I don't give a rotten rat queef how you do it.

I want the rest of you out there arresting every single zit

-faced, half

-working, pillow

-f*cking paladin in town.

Gina, you ride with me.

Kevin, you ride with Fitz.

I'm stuck with Kevin again? Why don't you take him? He seems desperate for a little father

-son time.

[mimics]

"I'd love spending the day with you, son.

Why don't we catch a movie now?" "I'd love to, Dad, but my girlfriend's coming over.

" I don't want to ride with Kevin.

I can't take another awkward conversation.

I've got nothing in common with that kid.

Didn't I catch you in the evidence room banging a watermelon? What? Ew, no! That was a honeydew.

I do have standards.

I'm not riding with either one of you melon

-ballers.

Okay, fine.

Gina, you're with Fitz.

Kevin, you ride with me.

Why don't I ever get an assignment? I wanna be able to sh**t criminals again.

Hopson, that's a banana.

Oh, I can't do anything right.

I'm going to end it all.

Goodbye, assholes! Click, click.

Oh, sh*t.

This damn banana ain't even loaded.

[imitates g*n reload]

So, did you get your big boy hair yet? Why don't we just talk about the case? Wow! Great idea.

So, do you really think D&D is some sort of Satanic ritual? Of course not, it's a stupid nerd game.

I'm doing it for the church money.

[cell phone rings]

Yo, Preacher Paul, what's up my Pentecostal pal? Ha

-ha.

My formalist straight

-turned

-gay now straight

-again son just confessed that there's a D&D game going on right now down at the comic book store.

Don't worry, Preacher.

I'm going to march down there and bust their little virgin asses wide open.

Uh, you're on speakerphone, Chief, and you just turned my son gay again.

He has risen! This twenty

-sided die is still warm.

[sniffs deeply]

The chairs are still ranked with Funyun farts.

Gina, what did you get out of the owner of this hole? He's not talking, and I hit him until he pissed himself.

Yeah, that's what it is.



- I know how he will talk.



- [man 1]

What're you doing? That's Mediocre Comics number three.

First appearance of the Human Kumquat.

MEDIOCRE COMICS No, don't hurt her! It'd be a shame if this went from "near mint" to "very fine".

No! You monster! All I know is that the leader of the D&D clan calls himself Merkin, the Mage.

They probably went to finish their game in the tree house across town.

But that's all I'll tell you, unless she hits me with that stick until I pee again.

We're too late again.

How do we keep just missing these weirdos? Even their pizza is freaking weird.

Just bread and sauce, no cheese.

Are you telling me that milk can take down these geeks but we can't? Just checking to see if you needed any more info that I won't divulge, unless you put on this Princess Leia sl*ve outfit, and b*at it out of me with this Tusken Raider gaffi stick.

Fine, but it'll cost you a hundred bucks.

[Kevin and Randall]

I'm in! Now, Chief said I got to pick one of y'all let go, and I can only think of one fair way to do it.

[hums melody]

I'm Officer Dusty, and welcome to Felony Feud! [both]

Grrr! Now, the felon with the most points at the end of the game will win his freedom! We asked 100 inmates: What's the first thing you're gonna do when you get out of jail? I'm going to s*ab you in your fat f*cking neck.

Show me, "s*ab in my fat f*cking neck".

Survey says

- Ding! You're on the board, Tuco.



- This show sucks! Steve Harvey's really going to ship.

That was an awesome first date, right? Yeah, I never knew two hours of Bible study could get me so hard.



- Mwah.



- [gasps]

b*llet! I like you a lot, but we cannot do that.

We're Christians! Really? What can we do? Handjobs are cool, right? Uh, no.

I'm pretty sure the Bible says that's a sin.

We have to do exactly what the Bible says.

Can I see that? Excuse me, I have to take a sh*t.

[electronic farting]

[farting noises continue]

Wow, I never realized that the tenth commandment was: "Thou shall not covet and hand

-jobs are cool by me.

" Seems to me you've gotta try to be a better Christian.

I can't believe we've been outsmarted by a bunch of D&D dorks.

This is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.

And earlier today, I walked in on your balls deep in a watermelon.

It was a honeydew! I'm not a pervert! Speaking on pervs, where's Kevin? I didn't invite Kevin, I tried the big boy

-hair

-down

-there speech and after that I'm out of stuff to talk about.

Well, since we've been wasting our time on this D&d case, there's been ten [g*nsh*t, man grunts]

Eleven murders.

Maybe we can focus on those.

Nah, I'm too sad.

I need you to deliver another one of these cheese

-free pizzas.

Kid on the phone said his name was "Quo Hein Dragon's Bane", and his constitution for cheese is only a level two.

What the hell does that even mean? [rolling dice]

Merkin, the Mage, rolls a 20! Critical hit! Ha

-ha! His level four Arcane Bolt rips into the Osteomancer's decaying flesh, sending the rotting beast back to hell

- from whence it came.



- [shout]

Yeah! Merkin is incredible.

He rolls 20s 82% of the time and I heard he almost touched a girl's bra strap once.

[knocking door]

[Randall]

Did somebody order a cheese

-free pizza? [sighs]

That's awesome.

Cheese makes my bowel alignment turn from neutral good to chaotic evil.

[roars]

I don't deliver cheese

-free pizza.

I deliver cheese

-free justice, m*therf*ckers!

- Nerds!

- [grunts]

[groans]

[howls]

[Merkin grunts]

And you must be Merkin, the Kevin! I've found four more.

What do you want to do with them, Chief? I wanna show these geeks what a level eight lightning bolt feels like.

[laughs]

Suffering Succotash! I gotta say it, Kevin.

You dicked me.

You dicked your daddy raw.

Can't believe you were one of those D&D nerds the whole time.

And then you double

-dickey

-donged me by tipping off your little friends.

What's gonna happen to them? Preacher Paul will give them a slap on their limp wrists and send them home.

No one can ever know that you were involved in this, Kevin.

No more D&D.

Ever! It's not fair! D&D is the only thing that's made me happy since you and mom split up.

Plus, I'm really good.

I learn everything reading about this guy.

Waldeck White Staff, the greatest D&D player that ever lived.

He invented the Reverse Rogue Roll.

A technique that allowed him to roll a 20 99% of the time.

I've been studying his technique and I've almost perfected it.

Oh, really? Wow! You know, some kids make their dads proud by going to an Ivy League school, or becoming as astronaut, but you can move your hand like this [babbles, retches]



- Good job, son!

- Really? f*ck, no! Maybe I wouldn't have to play D&D if you spend some time with me.

[sighs]

You know, maybe you're right, Kevin.

I haven't tried very hard to connect with you.

Tell you what, let's find something we can do together that we both enjoy.

[man and woman moaning, grunting]

I thought this would be awesome, but it's just uncomfortable.

Yeah.

[sighs]

Especially since that's a tape of you and Mom.

Well, p*rn's hard to come by since the church shutdown the town's Internet.

Preacher Paul said the disneyjunior.

com turned his son gay.

[woman panting, huffing]



- Are you close?

- [groans]

I'm not sure.

I've lost feeling 20 minutes ago.

I'm starting to smell smoke.



- Oh, no! What can I do?

- Becky, your throat might

- cool it down a little.



- No! Oral sex is a sin! Pat Robertson said so on The 700 Club, and whatever Pat Robertson says, goes.

And I've got to take another sh*t.

[electronic farting]

24 HOUR VIDEO EDITING [switches channel, grunts]

Football is so lame.

Let's see what's going on in The club.



- [switches channel]



- [static]

Remember, I preached this every Sunday, brothers and sisters.

God wants you to give blowjobs as much as humanly possible.

Because the more you give blowjobs, the more you will be rewarded in heaven, blowjobs.

Good thing I've showered, just in case Pat Robertson said you should give me a BJ.

Is Sico Sword Hand home? I don't know any Armenians.

Oh, I mean Eric.

No, Eric is gone.

The preacher said he really wanted to go on a church trip.

First, I thought that was weird because we're Jewish, and then I realized that I'm not a great mom, so I didn't ask any questions.

Goodbye.



- Church trip.

What could that mean?

- [raven caws]

Hark! A raven! What news does thou bring, winged messenger? Merkin, it's I, Sword Hand, I write this in ketchup from the cafeteria of the church camp, where we are imprisoned.

Should I perish, tell my bitch mom she sucks.

I can write no more.

I must save some ketchup for my tater tots.

Dad lied to me.

I'll show him! Take to the wind!

- [raven caws]



- [raven electrocuted]

Welcome back to Prisoner Price is Right! Our next item up for bid is a delicious and nutritious product from the commissary, called Cup O' Noodles.

Marvin, what do you bid? I bid two cigarettes.

Tuco, what's your bid? I bid three cigarettes and a rim job.

Now that's a soup that eats like a meal! More after these messages.

Chief, thanks to you, all D&D players are being reeducated at the church camp.

Well, all but one.

Their leader.

The one that calls himself Merkin.

Actually, I got him right here.

You lied to me! You said I'd get to play Dungeons and Drag Queens! Great work, Chief.

And now that have we have Merkin, the Mage, we can burn all that handbooks and eradicate Dungeons & Dragons forever.

That's not Merkin, the Mage.

I am.

Kevin, what are you doing? Turning myself in.

I can't believe you lied to me and sent my friends to that camp.

If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me! Your son was the leader of the D&D cult? You don't deserve this.

Off to camp with you! Fitz, I really screwed things up this time.

And worse, I think I really hurt Kevin.

Imagine how hurt he's gonna be when he finds out that a Merkin is actually a p*ssy wig.

Oh, I've got one right here.

PARADISE PENTECOSTAL D&D RE

-EDUCATION CAMP Merkin, we're so glad you're here.

What's your plan to get us out? My master plan was to find the camp, I didn't really think past that part.

You're better at D&D than you are at life.

Me too.

I wish rolling a 50 or higher would allow my crotch dragon to stop soaking my bed with its yellow tears whilst I slumber.

Pretty! If I had my Cloak of Invisibility, I could watch my sister take a shower without ever getting caught.

Welcome to D&D Re

-education 101.

The goal of this class is to help you kids clearly separate fact from fantasy.

D&D giant, fantasy.

Goliath, the giant, fact.

Fire breathing dragons, fantasy.

Seven

-headed beast coming out of the Lake of Fire, fact.

All right, kids.

How about a pop quiz? You tell me the Witch of Endor who summons ghosts, fact or fantasy?

- Fantasy?

- Wrong! Fact.

First Book of Samuel, chapter 28, verse 3 to 25.

If I had said the hag of Neverwinter who summons raves, that would have been bullshit.

Fact, fantasy.

Fact, fantasy.

You're just not getting it.

[electricity buzzing]

[door opens]

I can't believe that we got all 92 questions wrong.

Gather around, adventurers.

All those brain shocks gave me an idea.

Tonight Preacher Paul is gonna burn all of our D&D handbooks, but we're gonna stop him.

You guys search the camp and get me these supplies.

Why don't I get to do anything cool? Look, Cold Hand, let's be honest, when it comes to strength and dexterity, life rolled you a zero.



- I know.



- But

- you're high on the spectrum!

- Yes! Cold Hand rules! Am I smiling, Kevin? This is my first time displaying emotion.

Welcome back to Shank t*nk where we find inmate inventions.

Welcome, Marvin.

Why don't you tell us about your product? This is called a Party Blanket, see.

You throw it over another inmate, and they can't get loose, and it's got a hole here for easy booty access.

Well, that's one way to find a need and fill it.

You are so clever! I heard you sunk a lot of your own money into this invention.

I put my whole life's savings into this.

I spent months going to prototypes, first, the hole was too small, then the hole was too big.

I had to r*pe a lot of bitch

-ass m*therf*ckers to get it right.

Such an inspiring story.

I'm gonna give you one slice of expired bologna for 10% of your company.

Don't you want to try my product before you invest?

- That's a definite no.



- I'm in! We've got everything on your list,

- and a bag of holding, Merkin.



- Good.

Cold Hand, you'll neutralize the counselor and grab the gate keys.

Me? How? Is that cheese? Wait No! [chokes]

I'm lactose intolerant.

[gasps]

Stop! Not the Monterey Jack! [groans, chokes]

[gurgles, vomits]

[gurgles]

[shouts]

No!

- [thud]



- [door opens]

Pretty sure he's dead.

PARADISE PENTECOSTAL D&D RE

-EDUCATION CAMP Now we gotta stop that church rally.

We're going full live action role

-playing on their asses.

["Through The Fire" playing]

[swooshes]

Hmm.

Sweet sister Is it shower time already?

- Get out of here, pervert!

- [groans]

It's time to burn every hellish handbook and demonic diary that we've confiscated, so we can free our town of this ungodly game forever! Stop right there! By the beard of Gygax, att*ck!

- [bicycle bell ringing]



- [all]

Gygax! Magic m*ssile! [Preacher grunts]



- [Kevin grunts]



- [intense thuds]

[tires screeching]

Thanks, Mom.

Crushing Ball!

- I cast Confusion.



- [valve turns]

[gags]

[grunts]

I need a stamina potion.

[sips and thumps on the ground]

Y'all think y'all can intimidate the holy with a bunch of fake weapons? [grunts]

You broke my g*dd*mn nose.

Star shine.

Oh! My eyes! They're gay now! PARADISE PENTECOSTAL CHURCH I'm sorry it's come to this, but it's time to prove once and for all that D&D is not satanic.

So you're gonna watch us play a game, right here in the house of God! [all exclaim]

[door slams]

Preacher, we've got a problem.

Yeah, we know.

Okay, well, I'm late for my shift at Chipotle.

Teeth! You're using teeth!

- You want more teeth?

- No! Who the hell wants more teeth? I'm sorry, I'm such a bad Christian.

Maybe we need to do some missionary work.

You know what I mean? I'm sure if we made love right now, it would be so hot.

My ample bosom heaving, my womanly flower quivering, and drippin' with dew.

But premarital sex is a sin.

Nothing would change my mind unless I heard from Jesus himself.



- For only His words

- Gotta sh*t.

[knocking at door]

Jesus Christ.

Chassidy, you'll never guess who's here.

It's Jesus Christ! My child, premarital sex is a sin, unless you cancel out the sin by doing it in a church.

Oh, really? Thank you, Jesus!

- Thou are hella hot, my child.



- Stick to the script, Jesus.

What do you say we dump this dog and take a ride in the lane of God

- in my Camaro?

- Thy will be done.

Oh, come on, Chassidy.

Jesus doesn't drive a Camaro.

Or have a solo imdb credit for a herpes commercial.

Welcome back to Cell's Kitchen.

There're only two chefs left standing.

And before the commercial, I tried Leroy's toilet wine and it was highly disgusting.

Tuco, however, has prepared a delicious looking no bake cupcake that I'm dying to taste.

[gumbles]

Mmm.

Yumsters! What's in this, Tuco? Semi

-sweet chocolate, cream cheese, powdered sugar, and Cool Whip topping.

Oh! [clicks tongue]

I'm detecting a secret ingredient here.

Broken razor blades.

Yeah, that's it! Broken razor blades.

[gags]

[gurgles]

[gurgling continues]

[crunching snacks]

[screams and thumps on the floor]

[coughs]

Looks like everybody wins.

This is Officer Dusty signing off.

[gags, gurgles]

[Dusty hums, chokes]

[Dusty retches]

PARADISE PENTECOSTAL CHURCH Look, Merkin, advanced D&D.

Cool, we've never played that before.

Let's give it a sh*t.

[door slams open]

Freeze, Kevin! Don't do this.

Dad, if you need to sh**t me for playing D&D, go ahead and do it.

You'll probably get your church money.

If you'll excuse me, we've got a game to play.

[roaring]

Oh my God, you're telling me this bullshit is real? I'm here to challenge the greatest D&D player in the land.

The loser will be banished to hell, the winner will unleash death and destruction onto the earth, assuming I win.

I accept your challenge.

Ha! Not you, p*ssy wig.

You're not the greatest player.

He is! Waldeck White Staff.

Dad? You're Waldeck White Staff? It's true, Kevin.

Keeping this secret has been k*lling me.

I was once the greatest D&D player on earth.

I wasted my youth perfecting the Reverse Rogue Roll.

Well, then I realized that even the greatest D&D player still gets his ass kicked by the football team, and the girls' swim team, and the special needs kids.

I didn't want you playing 'cause I didn't want you ended up like I was.

[sniffles ]

A geeky loser.

All right, enough backstory.

It's time to battle.



- [roars]



- [Randall grunts]

Hey Chuck, run down to 7

-Eleven and get me a shitload of Code Red Mountain Dew.

Present your characters.

I'm Waldeck White Staff.

And I'm Wandelin Fairy Heart.

Wait, what? You play as a girl? [laughs]

Wandelin's a maxed

-out level 14 half

-elf.

Her intelligence, dexterity, constitution, and charisma are all perfect 18.

All right, let's roll.

Wandelin.

Ladies first.

[laughs]

You f*cking p*ssy.

[dice rolling]

PARADISE PENTECOSTAL CHURCH [both]

Twenty! I can't take it anymore.

You've been rolling 20s for three days! It's time to end this game, erase the past and cast life drain.

Life drain? But that causes instant death.

Correct.

Lowest roll fails to save, and wraith kills your character instantly.

Oh, you scared Wanda Lame.

Let's roll.

[screams]

Hand cramp! I can't roll.

[all exclaim]

I request a pinch roller.

I don't see anything that says it's illegal, so I'll allow it.

Come on, Neil.

That's bullshit! Hey! I'm the Dungeon Master, that means I'm God, so shut up or I'll make Wandelin grow a 400

-pound d*ck.

Okay, Neil.

Jeez.

Take a f*cking chill pill.



- I'll roll for you, dad.



- Fine, but if I b*at your son, he will take your place in hell.



- No, Kevin, I can't let you do that.



- Don't worry about me.

I got the best D&D player on earth to coach me.

You can do it.

Just flick your wrist and spin it on release.



- And hey, I believe in you.



- Thanks, Dad.

We got this.

[dice rolling]

A 19? What a loser! You suck, Kevin! My first step to world domination will be to melt the souls of every backwards assh*le in this church! Gotta take a sh*t.



- Oh, God.

Really?

- Chassidy, what the hell are you doing? Don't worry, daddy.

Jesus said it's not a sin if we bang in church and in the butt.

You d*ck, that wasn't in the script.

Improv, bro.

Whoa! Jesus is getting some ass.

Oops.

What? No, that doesn't count.

A roll is a roll.

The wraith hits Wandelin with Life Drain, her HP drops to zero, she is dead.

[sobs]

No! Wandelin! No, it's not fair! Neil, you assh*le.

I hate you.

Neil! Wandelin [Neil screams]

[cheering]

Mission accomplished.

Yay!

- Oh, there he goes again.

- [clicks tongue]

- Paul, you are so hard on our son.

- Not so loud, sugar britches.

[both]

Twenty! Ha

-ha! That Soul hider didn't stand a chance.

Sorry, that preacher didn't give you the money.

Yeah, he said that even though I literally defeated Satan, I played D&D to do it, so tough sh*t.

But I've gotta admit, when I watched you use my Reverse Rogue Roll, it made me proud.

And we finally found something we can do together.

Hey, there's no harm in being nerds, right? [door slams open]

Nerds! Run, Kevin, run! ["Through The Fire" playing]