03x03 - Ice Ice Babies

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Paradise PD". Aired: August 31, 2018 – December 16, 2022.*
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This animated series geared toward adults follows a police department that doesn't do a great job of protecting the backwater, small town where it is located.
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03x03 - Ice Ice Babies

Post by bunniefuu »

Let me get this straight, gentlemen.

You want a loan?

Uh no sh*t, money nerd.

We're wearing our tuxedo, ain't we?

We only got one, so we split it.

Robby got the jacket,

William got the bow tie,

and I got the pants.

- Pretty spiffy, right?

- Whoa!

We don't loan money

to cr*ck

-addled rednecks

whose credit score

is literally the poop emoji.

At least that turd's smiling.

Please, sir.

I need this loan to make my daddy proud.

We wanna open our own carnival.

I have 85 dollars in my pocket.

I'll give it to you

if you leave and never come back.

Let me just check with our CFO.

Yep. Mm

-hmm. Okay. Right. Mm

-hmm.



- What did he say?



- Nothing. He just ate my ear.

But you got yourself a deal.

Oh!

Looks like I left

a little credit score on your chair.

Get out!



- [theme music playing]



- [Crawford grunts]

[criminal shouts]

[grunts]

[Gina shouts]



- [shouts, groans]



- [growls]

Oh, come on. The ice maker's broken.

Yuck! Karen, what's up with this ice?

It's all milky.

That's not ice. Remember?

You celebrated Y2K by getting drunk

and jerking off in the ice tray.

Drunk Chief rules!

Wait, do you know what this means?

Dad was right when he said you look

like you'd jerk off in an ice tray?

We can finally have another kid!

You know, I wanted more kids

before Kevin sh*t my balls off.

I never thought it'd be possible

until right now.

Oh, hell no, Randall!

You were a terrible father

the first time around.

What? Oh, name one example.

[baby crying]

Can I get some help over here?

Whoo! Drunk Chief rules!

Oh, I promise

it'll be different this time.

Come on, honey.

Let's pop this ice tray in the microwave

and load up Kevin's Super Soaker.

What do you say?

You're not getting those cum cubes near me

unless you can prove you've changed.

You have to show me

you can care for a baby

by yourself for 24 hours.

Deal. Slight snag, though.

Where am I gonna find a bald,

toothless, drooling, diaper

-wearing

[doorbell rings]

Officer, this man sexually assaulted me.

Are you tired of the mundane

daily grind of life

with your shitty, unfuckable family?

Well, before you suck off a shotgun

bring 'em down

to Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival.

We got all the best attractions, like

the bumper nards!

[grunts]

The Tilt

-a

-Earl!

[kids scream]

My name's Earl.

Don't worry.

I'm not a registered sex offender.

I mean, I'm a sex offender.

I just ain't registered yet.

And the spunk t*nk.

I want a new job, Robby.

So come on down

to Robby's Family Fun Time Carnival,

located on the island of Twatemala.

[Delbert] Not responsible for death,

alligator dismemberment, lockjaw,

unwanted pregnancies, or Earl.

How dare those hicks

open a death trap carnival

without bribing me first!

I want you

to shut those redneck m*therf*ckers down.

Gina, we should go together as partners.

It'd be like a date, like I dream about.

Not dreams Wet dreams I mean

Not dreams [screams]

Shut up, Kevin!

A carnival? I've never been to a carnival.

I spent my entire childhood

in a coma after my

Can you take that away from him?

[crying]

I'm just gonna put that back.

Ooh! I love carnivals! They so fun!

Ooh, ooh! I gotta find

my funnel cake funnel

to funnel some f*cking funnel cakes

into my fat f*cking face!

Stand down, Admiral Alliteration.

You are on desk duty for shaking down

that doughnut shop last week.

You are not to leave that desk.

Do you hear me?

[grunts, shits]

Uh, excuse me. I gotta take care of this.

Stop sh1tting!

Hey, Fritz! Over here!

It's your best friend, Dusty.

Did you just call me Fritz?

You should hear what I call you

when you ain't in the room.

I need you to help me

get to that carnival.

I have a lot of work I need to do.

You know what?

I got a lot of work to do too

'cause I gotta call all them mutants up

and tell 'em you ain't in prison

and give them your address

so they can come and f*ck you up

in front of your wife and kid.

You're resorting to blackmail?

Yes, I am. I'm resorting to a black male

to get my ass to the carnival.

How? Chief said you can't leave your desk.

Who says I'm leaving my desk?

Hey, vato! Sweet fat guy desk conversion.

["La Cucaracha" car horn plays]

[whimsical music playing]

[kids scream]

Dear God, this place is

Magical!

I know we're supposed to shut it down,

but can we please just hang out

for a little while and enjoy it together?

Sure, I'd love you.

I'd I'd love to

touch your jiggly butt

and show you my wiener.

Shut up, Kevin!

Are all carnivals this wonderful?

Uh, this one's extra special.

I've never seen a Ferris wheel

made of cardboard liquor boxes before.

Whoops! I spilled my dri [screams]

I really want to win a stuffed animal

because I just broke up with my boyfriend,

and I need something

to rub against my body.

Also, I sleep in the nude,

not even underwear.

What's wrong with my face?

g*dd*mn carny dr*gs.

Psst. Hey, gross old carny lady.

I have a name tag, you know.

Roseanne Barr. [shudders]

Hey, how about you let

that pretty little lady win?

Holy sh*t! Five dollars?

I can finally afford to get

this parasite removed.

Hi. I'm Tom Arnold. Got any coke?

[grunts]

Well, at least I get a lunch break.

Congratulations, you f*cking win.

Cool. It comes with cherry ChapStick.

Ain't my carnival great, Daddy?

Well, well, well.

Look who's a highfalutin carny now.

You too good to be a shitpicker

like your old man?

Oh, no, Daddy. It ain't like that.

Every day I break my back

picking through people's sh*t,

looking for buttons, marbles,

and if God's feeling generous,

maybe even a penny.

My shitpicking put food on the table.

And I love brown corn, Daddy, but

I always assumed

you'd follow in my footsteps.

[flashback music plays]

Ooh

-wee, boy. Jackpot.

Half a paper clip.

I can finally finish your braces.

Daddy, look!

I found a diamond ring on the floor.

You put that back. Now, we live by a code.

If they don't sh*t it, we don't get it.

[grunting]

Ha! Oh, well,

we missed the last paddleboat.

Guess we should pack it in.

I ain't having sex with you.

We are getting me to that carnival,

and I know just how.

Do I really need to wear

this Italian Hamburglar

-looking sh*t?

Yeah, so you look like a real gondolier

when you serenade me.

Ha! Dusty, believe me. I ain't gonna

Hello, Fitz

-hating mutants

that want to f*ck him up.

[singing "La donna è mobile" in Italian]

That is beautiful.

You know, I was wondering,

what's making us buoyant enough to float?

[farts]

Oh! It was just my belly

full of Arby farts.

Come on, Hopson. Eat the f*cking peas.

[whines]

Okay, Hopson. Here comes the airplane

pilot's d*ck.

[gulps]

[snoring]

Yeah, that was easy.

[lullaby music playing]

Upsy

-daisy. [shushes]

There. Hey, this isn't so bad.

Now if I can just make it out

without waking him up.

I can't touch where you poop from,

Mickey Rooney!

Ah!

[moans, lip smacks]

[sighs]

[Hopson grunts]

What the f*ck?

Oh, I didn't tell you?

Yeah, I kinda have an ancient blood feud

with a clan of ninjas.

What? If you want him,

you ninjas will have to go through

[screams]

[grunts]

Hey, Carlo, did you happen to see

any ninjas run by?

Oh, sh*t.

[whimsical music playing]

Maybe it's the oxycotton candy,

but I'm having the best time

with you, Kevin.

I don't know when I last felt this happy.

Hey, look! A house of mirrors!

Look at me. I'm skinny Kevin.

Eeehh!

Check this out.

I'm Chief Crawford.

Blah, blah, blah. My son's a q*eer.

[chuckles]

Yeah, he does say that.

Gross! I'm almost as fat as Dusty.

Whoa, Kevin! Mama likey. Mama likey mucho.

Mucho in the cucho.

Are you okay, Gina?

You're speaking gibberish.

[grunts]

Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

I should go,

otherwise I might take your clothes off

and smash you so hard,

I break that pelvis.

Wait. No, it's okay! Smash me!

I hate my pelvis!

[Fat Kevin] Way to blow it, bro.

She was juiced and loose, brah.

Fat Kevin would've closed the deal.

Eh. If she wanted it,

she wouldn't have run off like that.

Well, Fat Kevin would have slipped her

a four

-inch meat m*ssile.

Four inches? Wow.

This mirror makes everything bigger.

[door opens]

Dude, she's coming back.

That means she wants you. Whip it out.

My junk?

Yes, you butt

-nuts. Trust me.

This happens to Fat Kevin all the time.

[shrieks]

Oh no! No, no, no!

You said it was Gina!

[scoffs] I'm not real, you dumb pedo.

Hey, everyone!

This guy wagged his little dingus

at a kid.

Kevin's a q*eer.

Hey, look at you, Mr. Great Dad.

Yeah, I know. I'm k*lling it.

I finally figured out

the secret to being a good dad.

Old Spice. Knocked him right out.



- Where's Hopson?



- Hopson?

Oh! Yeah, yeah, he was abducted by ninjas,

so I replaced him with another old weirdo.

NBD. Now if you'll excuse me, Karen,

I have a little parenting to do.

Stop sh1tting!

I didn't sh*t till you shook it loose.

[grunts]

Randall, the deal was

you would take care of Hopson.

Parents can't pick and choose

which problems they deal with.

How is a ninja att*ck any different

than if our new child had an argument

with a classmate?

Well, how is a ripe, juicy peach

different than my assh*le?

I mean, yeah, they're both fuzzy, mushy,

and have been explored

by a boy named James.

Okay, bad example.

Sounds like someone doesn't want to cram

frozen cubes of semen into my vag*na.

Oh, fine, I'll go rescue Hopson.

But it's gonna mean that I die.

But okay, f*cking whatever.

All right, Dusty.

We're right over the island.

Carnival, here I come!

Yes! We almost there!

Whoa! What? No, no, no!

Ain't that some sh*t?

Oh, Kevin, thank God you're here.

Get this.

Some pervert poked his pants pickle

at poor Petey here.

I I think I'm scarred for life.

Don't you worry.

We are gonna catch this sicko.

Petey didn't see his face,

but he did see his junk.

Luckily,

I am trained as a police sketch artist.



- So, what did it look like?



- It was small.

No, it was way smaller.

Less symmetrical.

Hmm. Still seems too proud.

This pee

-pee was hunched over,

like its spirit's been broken.

Are you sure it was that bad?

Yeah.

It was like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Dull and creepy,

with an unnecessary twist at the end.

I I think we got everything

we need on the penis.

You're right. Let's talk about the balls.

If you can even call them that.

Now to take a shower and,

like, clean my body all over.

And then snuggle time.

[door closes]

Holy sh*t. This is almost too easy.

Ho! Rin Tin! Where the hell you going?

m*therf*cker!

You're pretending to be

a stuffed animal too?

Not just me.

We're doing the same sh*t you are, man.

Did you know she sleeps naked?

Not even underwear.

[chuckles] Yeah, she kinda leads

with that, doesn't she?

You guys hang out in here

all night and day?

Hell yeah, we do.

It's just like Toy Story,

except if all the toys

wanted to f*ck Andy in the ass.

So, exactly like Toy Story.

All right, scumbags.

No one leaves this island until I find

the owner of this uniquely weird

and unappealing d*ck.

I don't know, Gina.

I don't think guys will drop their pants

Not a match, alligator d*ck, not a match.

Hmm, oh. Okay, okay. That Here we go.

That's a pretty weird wiener.

Narrow at the base, hangs way off

-center.

But the head has too many red bumps.

I got bird mites.

We're looking for a flat

-out troll penis.

Way more f*cked up

than any we've seen so far.

See the sketch? It's like 90% slit.

Oh! Wait, that's not normal?

Hurry up, Fitz. You got one more chance

to get me to that island,

or I'm calling them mutants.

[Fitz] Don't worry. This is foolproof.

Godspeed, Dusty.

[Dusty screams]

Ah, problem solved.

Try calling those mutants from space,

jive

-ass m*therf*cker.

Oh sh*t. A g*dd*mn ninja army.

If only I could find some way to blend in.

Ooh. Hello.

Cowabunga, dudes.

Say, buddy, where did we stash that

creepy old man

-baby weirdo we kidnapped?

Oh sh*t. Turtle power!

Ha! Suckers!

[gasps] Hopson.

Mitch McConnell?

It's me, assh*le.

I'm gonna get you outta here.

[rumbling]

Oh sh*t.

You shall die a thousand deaths!

[shogun sobbing]

Uh, what's happening?

I have a tale to tell

of honor and heartbreak.

Yeah, I'm kind of in a hurry.

[shogun] I was the greatest samurai

in the empire.

I cut off the heads of 131 enemy lords.

Then I met the most beautiful geisha

I'd ever seen.

[giggling]

That was the night everything changed.

Wait a minute. You're not a woman!

You got a ding

-a

-ling!

Don't knock it till you try it.

[shogun] And so I did try it.

Many different ways.

Hopson

-san taught me so many things.

Many, many dirty things.

Um, please, please stop

telling me this story.

Then Hopson

-san left me

and broke my heart.

He never told me why.

Let's just say that egg roll of yours

never quite filled me up.

That's Chinese food. You r*cist!

You shall pay, Hopson!

[roars]

I'll handle this.

He ain't the only one who learned

ancient Japanese magic, you know.

[screams]

That's your f*cking magic?

You turn into a g*dd*mn bonsai tree? I

[scoffs]

Fine.

A father's duty is to protect his child.

If I die, tell my wife

she's a bitch for making me do this.

[Crawford yells]



- [dragon growls]



- [Crawford] Uh

-oh. [shrieks]

[Dusty screams]

Dusty, you saved my life!

But you also left your desk.

Three more months of desk duty,

you fat assh*le!

Hey, Chief. I soiled myself. You get it?

Stop sh1tting!

You don't just get to go on the bed

with Krystal, okay?

You gotta wait your turn.

I don't think you understand.

I paid Roseanne Barr five bucks

to get here.

So what? I've been here eight years,

and I still haven't gotten on the bed.

I left my wife and kids

in a rest stop at Albuquerque.

I was

the Republican Senate majority leader.

[bear] f*ck off, McConnell.

You didn't even have to dress up.

Guys, guys, guys, hey, I think

there's an easy way to settle this.

[grunts]

[all grunting]

Huh, I don't remember this room

being such a mess.

Oh well. Time to take off my towel

and be completely naked.

Not even underwear.

Krystal! I'm sorry, baby.

I made a mistake.

I promise to never get a rim job

from a male prost*tute

at your mom's funeral again.

Oh, Jammer. You're so good to me.

['70s p*rn music playing]

[Krystal] Oh! Oh, Jammer! Jam! Oh!



- [Krystal] Jammer! Jam!



- Oh! Ugh!

Did your stuffed animal say something?

No, silly. Come here.

[groans, whimpers]

[Jammer pants] Volcano's rumbling, baby.

It's gonna erupt.

Here comes the hot lava.

[Jammer groans]

Whoo! Whoa! That's messy.

I'ma use this stuffed dog

to clean up my Jammer juice.

Nope. I'm out. Mm

-mmm.

Nope. I will not be a cum rag.

[grunts]

Nice job, moron.

Way to f*ck it up for all of us.

Well, I guess now

I can go to my daughter's graduation.

[zips up pants]

Well, that's everybody.

None of these penises match the sketch,

which means we know exactly

who the guilty party is.

Petey. Must have made it all up

to get attention.

I guess Fox News was right about victims.

Hey, wait a minute.

You didn't check your partner's pee

-pee.

[crowd] Yeah!

Are you insane? Kevin's a cop.

Cops don't commit crimes.

Check his pee

-pee! Check his pee

-pee!

[crowd] Check his pee

-pee!

I will k*ll

every one of you cop

-hating assholes!

No, Gina, don't. It It was my pee

-pee.

I made a mistake.

I was in the house of mirrors,

and Petey's reflection looked like like

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'm sorry, everybody. I'll turn myself in.

It was a simple house of mirrors mishap.

It wasn't your fault at all.

Exactly?

It was the house of mirrors' fault.

Let's get that sumbitch!

[crowd yells]

Hey! Lumpy Larry just grabbed my ass.

Uh The Ferris wheel made me do it.

[crowd] k*ll the Ferris wheel!

That funnel cake stand made me

finger a cat. Mm

-hmm.

[crowd] Get that funnel cake stand!

Uh, if I k*lled my wife,

the whack

-a

-mole made me do it. [chuckles]

[crowd] Smash it!

f*ck! They know we set up OJ!

Oh! I was really starting to enjoy

that spunk t*nk too.

I'm sorry, son.

I know how much

that carnival meant to you.

Daddy, don't you see?

It was never about the carnival. Look.

Porta

-Potties?

Used Porta

-Potties.

So I can be a shitpicker, just like you.

Really? Oh my stars.

I've only seen this much brown gold

in my dreams.

See, Daddy,

I never gave a sh*t about that carnival.

I gave a carnival about that sh*t.

I am so proud of you, son.

We're gonna be

the most successful shitpickers on earth!

Really? Are we talking six figures?

No, I'm talking seven figures, Son.

Somebody sh*t out a whole He

-Man play set.

I can't believe it, Randall.

The house is clean. You're baking cookies.

Dare I ask if Hopson is still alive?

Yep. I solved his blood feud,

and the little bugger's

having a playdate right now.

[Karen] Oh, he looks so happy.

You really stepped up, Randall.

Ooh! So does that mean

Let's cr*ck that ice and make a baby.

Where's my ice babies?

Mm. Man, this margarita hits the spot.

I'm loving this pre

-salted ice.

Mm. Tastes like Mom's kisses.

Kevin!

- [audience laughs]

- [sit

-com music playing]
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