03x04 - Trigger Warning

[bunniefuu]

So, we're just not gonna talk about how

you made a margarita outta my jizz?

Hey, fellas, we just got

a 911 call about a g*n situation.

Paradise PD!

We got a call about a g*n problem?

g*dd*mn right, there's a problem.

Everybody at this party has a g*n,

except my nephew.

How the hell's

he supposed to sh**t the piñata?

Hey, don't give him that.

That's dangerous!

Oh, relax, Kevin. It's just a piñata.

Good morning, Mr. b*llet.

And what are you doing?

You know, weird stuff with these

German businessmen for drug money.

Oh, hey, Hans.

b*llet, I was hoping

you'd put on one of these cute costumes

so I could film you

for my YouTube channel.

I know animals get tons of views,

so I was gonna put 'em on my cats,

but, funny story,

you f*cking k*lled them all

and ruined my g*dd*mn life!

I'm not gonna put on a stupid outfit

and be in some degrading video, all right?

That's the saddest thing

you can see an animal do.

Ja! Smack me where I scheisse.

Please, b*llet.

I really wanna be an influencer,

but I only got one subscriber

and it's some random bot

named Dusty's Mama

who keeps writing,

"f*ck you. Die, you fat f*ck f*ck!"

Well, have you considered

taking the feedback?

No, not at all

'cause my videos are really good. See?

Hey, guys!

This week I'm doing a reaction video.

Now, I just ate a bucket of shcrumps,

which I am deathly allergic to,

so I can have a reaction

My throat's closing up.

Don't forget to like and subscribe

Finally something on YouTube

worse than Cobra Kai, huh? Right? Yeah.

Hopson, I've got a problem.

Uh, me too.

I keep flushing my balls down the toilet.

Yeah

Let's talk about my problem.

I've really grown to love my wife,

but I'm afraid she's gonna leave me

because I'm having trouble

pleasing her sexually.

We even tried role

-playing.

We did the whole

dolphin/Japanese fisherman scenario.

Why am I the dolphin again?

You ever try oceanic sex toys?

I've got a dolphin vibrator

called the cloaca quaker.

Yeah, we tried that already.

Huh, it ain't bad.

She did mention trying a threesome,

but I'm not gonna find someone

who'd have a threesome with a dolphin.

Are you kidding?

I know a great gal I could send your way.

Yeah

I don't think I wanna be with anyone

your dirty ass has been with.

Oh no, I'd never go with her.

She's not my type at all.

She's young, sexy, flexible,

and ain't got no ten

-inch Latino penis.

Really? Thanks, Hopson!

How can I ever repay you?

Well, you could help me

plunge my nuts outta the toilet.

Ow! sh*t! Hopson, what did I tell you

about leaving your balls laying around?

Dad, I told Mom

all about the piñata sh**ting.

Sounds like the town has a g*n problem.

Oh, come on, Karen.

This town doesn't have a g*n problem.

Look at me, y'all!

I'm a hurtful southern stereotype!

Okay. So we got a lot of g*ns.

But the more g*ns there are,

the safer the people are.

Randall, you're just defending g*ns

because you're a member of the NRA.

You're g*dd*mn right.

Card

-carrying member.

Ow!

The card is a functioning g*n?

Oh, quit your bitching.

If this hadn't gone off in my wallet

and sh*t a hole in the condom,

you wouldn't even be here.

Dad, there's no good reason

why we can't have sensible g*n control.

Oh, give it a rest, Kevin.

I'm sick of you liberals acting like g*ns

are the only dangerous thing in society.

Mayonnaise kills people.

Should we take all the mayonnaise away?

From Dusty? Yes.

Guys! I got my head

stuck in the mayonnaise jar again!

Look, I'm not the only one saying this.

You should listen to

other g*n control advocates,

like Michael Moore.

Yeah, that guy needs to focus less on

g*n control and more on portion control.

Stupid, fat sumbitch.

I agree with Kevin.

These g*n incidents happen all the time,

and we never do anything about it.

Never do anything?

I'll have you know that

after the piñata fatalities,

I tweeted, "Thoughts and prayers."

Jesus reads those, you know.

Thoughts and prayers?

What more could a grieving family

possibly want?

Mom, you're the mayor.

You gotta do something.

Oh no. This town just had a tragedy.

That's the worst possible time

to prevent tragedies.

Look, before we become communist Canada,

let me teach you two

the importance of g*ns

by taking you on a tour of the NRA!

Fine, I'll go. But only if you watch

this Michael Moore video.

This bucket of shcrumps are g*ns,

and I'm America.

Uh

-oh.

Oh, I get it.

He did what I did and made it "smart."

Oh, let's see. What confiscated dr*gs

am I gonna get high on tonight. huh?

Marijuana? Huh. What am I, 11?

Heroin? Yeah, what am I, 12?

Get out of here.

Ooh, hey, this is new.

Blowquila?

Cocaine

-infused tequila.

Holy sh*t! Look at the tequila worm.

Huh! Now he's doing backflips.

Wait, now he's got a business plan

for a new app.

Well, I'm sold.

Whoa!

This is Ahh

This

This is the best high I've ever had.

Oh, b*llet! You

Well, you little cute little bastard.

I'm a Bunny Dog ♪

Yes, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪

I'm a froofy loopy doopy scoopy

Poopy noopy Bunny Dog ♪

I'm a Bunny Dog ♪

I'm a froofy loopy doopy scoopy ♪

Oh God. Oh, this must be

what the guys in The Hangover felt like

after they saw the second movie.



- What the f*ck?



- Isn't it great?

I just uploaded

the security cam footage to YouTube.

It's already got a million views!

Oh, you are an assh*le, Dusty!

Oh, I haven't felt this violated

since I watched Cobra Kai.

Yeah, got 'em twice. Anyway, f*ck off!

Oh, finally! Somebody's gonna help me!

Ooh! No, no, no! Don't flush my balls!

Welcome to the NRA.

Now we can have

an intelligent conversation

and stop acting like children

Oh my God! It's Bumpy the Bump Stock!

Chief! They have a g*n pit!

Whoo

-hoo!

Ha, ha! Yay!

Holy sh*t.

It's Charlton Heston's corpse!

"Pry this g*n from my cold, dead hands

and win a Republican Senate seat!"

Wow!

Jesus. This dead fucker's got a grip.

Well, you must be Kevin and Karen.

I'm head of the NRA. Chip f*ck

-Yeah.

Randall here told me you're thinking about

enacting some restrictive g*n laws.

But I wanna show you why g*ns

aren't the problem. They're the solution.

Just check out this reenactment video

that imagines a world

where Jesus had g*ns.

Any last words, Jesus?

Yeah.

Messiah

-nara, b*tches.

Oh my dad! Oh my dad! Oh my dad!



- Convinced yet?



- No!



- No!



- I could thumb off to it.

Mr. f*ck

-You, can we at least agree

we should do something to make g*ns safer?

You know, like smart g*ns.

I'm glad you said that

because the NRA

has actually developed smart g*ns.

Hi, I'm Mr. Bang Bang!

Ahh! What the hell?

Smart g*ns decide when to sh**t

on their own,

so now blind people, babies,

hell, even animals can own g*ns,

as long as they're all white.

Bang

-bang!

The NRA is hoping to replace

every g*n with a smart g*n

and make ownership mandatory.

What do you say, Mayor?

You wanna make Paradise great

for the first time?

There's no way I'd agree to flood my town

with g*ns that sh**t on their own.

That's insane!

Oh, look at this,

a briefcase full of Russian money.

And f*ck what I just said.

What? Mom! No!

Oh yeah. Oh yeah!

Shh. Have some respect. Jesus is comin'.

I feel safer already. How about you guys?

Come on, everyone. It's time

to give g*ns to people who deserve 'em.

Like, oh, I don't know Two, three, four

g*ns for all the gangs downtown ♪

One for the schizo homeless clown ♪

Here's a g*n for you, Chris Brown! ♪

Everyone gets a g*n! ♪

This man who's lost both his eyes ♪

Satan in a bad disguise ♪

You're in jail?

Well, that's just fine! ♪

Everyone gets a g*n! ♪

In the 18th century

Some white men had a dream ♪

That one day even children

Could own violent death machines ♪

Now g*ns will stop all heinous crimes

Like stealing candy from a baby ♪

Even this dog owns a g*n ♪

But so does mailman Grady ♪

So g*ns for me and g*ns for you ♪

Militias, cults, and fetuses too ♪

'Cause everyone, everyone

Everyone, everyone ♪

Everyone gets a g*n! ♪

You little fucker!

Mr. Bang Bang,

I told you to stop following me around.

We're not friends!

But I'm your g*n, Kevie.

My job is to protect you.

I saved your life today

when I bang

-banged that masked bandit.

That was the Hamburglar,

and he was signing copies

of his erotic novel!

Isn't this awesome?

Everyone has a great new smart g*n

that matches their personality.

They sure do.

My g*n and I have a lot in common.

Yep, we both unloaded into Abe Lincoln.

Look! My g*n has g*ns!

I'm packing heat, you pickle dicks!

I don't feel like my g*n

matches my personality.

Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.

You better stop eating all them b*ll*ts.

You gon' get dia

-BBs.

And I got the best g*n of all,

Jean

-Claude Van Blam.

He's got a cool ponytail

and '80s action phrases!

Hey, Jean

-Claude, tell Kevin what you said

when you sh*t that golfer.

Looks like you got

a hole in one.

Isn't he great? f*ck putt

-putt.

Dad, these smart g*ns

have made Paradise even worse.

The hospital's

completely full of g*nsh*t victims!

You're overreacting, Kevin.

These g*ns are keeping us safe.

And they were programmed by the NRA

to engage anything

they deem to be a thr*at.

Well, good morning, everybo

Uh, yeah. f*ck this sh*t.

Come on, Blowquila. Daddy needs a fix.

Oh, where did I hide you?

b*llet, my fans

are clamoring for a new Bunny Dog video.

And this one's gonna have

a high production value.

You know,

I just hired the casting director

that discovered Lena Dunham

and pulled her out of that swamp

she was living in.

There is absolutely nothing

Oh, that was a cheap sh*t even for us.

that'll make me do another one

of those humiliating videos.

Oh no? Ain't that a shame,

'cause lookee what I found.

Oh, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪

Yes, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪

I'm a froofy loopy doopy poopy

Scoopy Bunny Dog ♪

Oh, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪

Yeah, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪

I'm a froofy loopy doopy poopy

Bunny Dog ♪

Oh yeah

Boing ding ba booby bunny ♪

Boing ding ba booby bunny ♪

Boing ding ba booby bunny

Bunny hop ♪

Boing ding ba booby bunny

Boing ding ba booby bunny ♪

Boing ding ba booby bunny

Bunny hop ♪

Think you could point that somewhere else?

Just keeping you safe.

Hi, good afternoon to you, sir.

We're the Jehovah's Witnesses.

We were wondering if you have

a minute to talk about the Lord?

Uh, I'm Jewish this season, thanks.

Oh, maybe you didn't hear my friends.

They asked if you had a minute

for the Lord.

I d

-don't?

Then you can f*cking meet him!

Kevin, that g*n bang

-banged you

for no good reason!

But that's impossible

because the NRA says

a g*n always makes things better.

The NRA is full of sh*t.

What?

You only know what the NRA

programmed you to believe.

There's a lot about g*ns you don't know.

It's time you got woke, Mr. Bang Bang.

If you think that was shocking,

you should watch this Michael Moore video.

We need to get rid of g*ns

and make mayonnaise jars bigger.

Also, I'm regretting

eating all those shcrumps.

Wow, 10,000 subscribers!

And look at all these great comments

I'm getting.

"This was easy to masturbate to,

you fat f*ck f*ck."

See? Even Mama likes it.

Okay, I did your stupid video.

Now get me out of this thing.



- I'm done.



- Okay.

Let me just reach behind your back here

and rip the zipper thang off!



- Ha! Now you stuck in there forever.



- What?

Three years ago, I accidentally

ripped that zipper thang off my pants

and never got 'em off.

You son of a Wait, you've worn

the same pants for three years?

No, b*llet, that'd be gross.

Eventually, my body absorbed them.

You know,

like how a tree grows around a fence post.

That's not No, that's not possible.

Yeah

-huh. The doctor calls it hungry skin.

To be safe,

I don't wear pants no more at all.

I just paint my bottom half blue.

Hold on.

You paint your pants on?

Well, sure.

You thought my pants came with an assh*le?

Now let's go make another video.

I wanna get this done by four o'clock

Damn you, hungry skin!

Hey, Jean

-Claude Van Blam,

I wrote some puns last night

I thought you could use.

"It's been g*n."

Like, "It's been fun"?



- Sucks.



- Yeah, I know, right?

That was a fake pitch. No worries.

Got plenty more in here.

sh*t. sh*t. f*ck. sh*t.

And that's why it's time

to live up to our name

and be smart g*ns.

If people won't have g*n control,

we'll control ourselves.

Wait. You guys all figured out

sensible g*n control? Just like that?

Yeah.

We have the brainpower

of a Tickle Me Elmo

and figured it out in five minutes.

And next, we're going on a nationwide tour

to spread our g*n control message.

Thank you for finally making me pro

-g*n.



- Friends?



- Friends.

Sorry. I had one in the chamber.

Oh! That cum

-eating prick.

Jean

-Claude Van Blam,

stop those smart g*ns

before they spread their libtard message!

No can do, Chief. I'm with Mr. Bang Bang.

It's time we give g*n control

another sh*t.

Hey, assh*le!

You can't sh*t in my hand

unless you're my friend!

Baby, our threesome date

will be here any minute.

You're gonna love her.

What's she like?

Hopson said he met her on a cruise

and that she's a leggy squirter

who likes it deep.

And apparently pretty wild.

I hear she's got a lot of ink.

Why'd she knock eight times?

Well, like Jacques Cousteau once said,

I'm about to f*ck an octopus.

I can't breathe!

I can't breathe!

Get it off! Get it off!

Oh, oh, ooh!

Well, that don't feel so bad.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Oh!

Wh wh where you going?

You can't fit in there.

You can't fit in there!

Oh, she fit in there!

We cannot allow these smart g*ns

to go on tour

with that logical

and easily digestible message.

We have to do something fast

before those g*ns

infringe on our g*n rights.

Yes, Gary?

Wait, so we're anti

-g*n or pro

-g*n?

It's not hard, Gary.

We're anti

-anti

-g*n

-g*n.

Gary, put your g*dd*mn hand down, please.

How about a waiting period before

these g*ns can sh**t their mouths off?

Thirty days or so for 'em to calm down.

What about the AR

-15s?

They talk faster than normal g*ns

and convince, like, 100 people a minute.

We should ban those outright!

Guys, let's not forget our position here.

The Second Amendment says

Gina, we're dealing with a type of g*n

the Founding Fathers

could never have anticipated.

The Second Amendment

isn't relevant to modern day.



- Um



- Shut the f*ck up, Gary!

All right now,

I think there's only one solution.

We have to take all the g*ns away

before the g*ns get our g*ns taken away.

Yeah, let's go in there

and get my cum

-eating son.

It's okay. It was my cum. Nothing weird.

Really, Gary? No questions?

I can't believe the NRA

is coming to take my g*ns.

Don't worry, guys. I'll get you

to the airport to start your tour.



- Kevin! Pull over and give us the g*ns!



- No!

sh**t Mr. Bang Bang. He's the leader.

We can't.

All our g*ns are in the car with him.



- We still have one g*n.



- Well, bring it out.

From his cold, dead

Seriously, the grip on this guy.

I'm glad you're happy,

but my d*ck will never talk to me again.

Hi, I'm Hopson's flexible,

leggy, squirter friend.



- I'm here for the threesome.



- Wait, you're Hopson's friend?

Where the f*ck this octopus come from?

Hey, I'm Jim from the aquarium.

We're looking for an escaped octopus.

Oh, there you are.

Wait a minute.

Why's it got a post

-coital glow?

Hey, Jay! This maniac f*cked the octopus!

Hey, Miss Dolphin, all due respect,

your husband's a f*cking weirdo.

Sorry, Dusty. Bunny Dog ends now.

Wow, I gotta say, he's quite the artist.

I won't be a sl*ve to you anymore,

Blowquila.

I'm gonna drink this whole thing,

even if it kills me.

I mean, I could pour it out,

but then, come on.

Oh!

Oh God.

Holy sh*t, I did it!

Dusty doesn't have power over me anymore.

Ah, ah, ah, ahhh.

Don't forget about your lil' friend,

the Blowquila

-soaked worm.

I'm gonna get one more video out of you.

And this time, Bunny Dog has a new friend

Bunny Pig.

Fresh off her HBO show Gir

Stop it, Dusty. I don't wanna hear

another Lena Dunham cheap sh*t.

How dare you.

Lena Dunham is brave and beautiful.

Is that enough? All right.

Let's sh**t this sh*t.

Ow! f*ck! Ow! sh*t! f*ck! f*ck! Ow! sh*t!

Ow!

Thank you, Blowquila worm.

You're the best friend I ever had.

g*dd*mn it, I am such an addict.

Shoes in the bins.

Cell phones in the bins.

No water bottles past this point.

Are you wearing a belt?

It's over, Kevin.

Nobody's ever fought the NRA and won.

These g*ns are not getting on that plane.

Dad, all we want are sensible g*n laws.

And you still haven't given me

one good reason why we can't have it.

You want a good reason? Fine.

Here's a good reason.

I need g*ns to get an erection.

Please go on.

Ever since I lost my testicles,

the only way I can get hard

is by holding or f*ring a g*n.

And he's not alone.

No one in the NRA has testicles.

Well, the NRA actually started

as a support group,

the Nards Removed Association.

But we learned that

sh**ting or even holding a g*n

acts as a testosterone replacement.

Chip's right.

I mean, I can get a little hard

without g*ns, but it's never 100%.

I mean, the outside gets hard,

but it's soft in the middle.

It's like a can of crescent rolls.

That's why the NRA is so important, son,

to comfort a bunch of scared white men

with limp dicks.

Dad, we're not trying to take your g*ns

or your boners.

We just want

some common

-sense regulations,

like maybe not giving

as*ault weapons to crazy people.

Wait, so are you saying

you don't want to take my g*ns away

like the NRA says you do?

You know, maybe we can make small tweaks,

like stricter background checks

or not giving g*ns to the mentally ill.

f*ck that!

I got a sloshy bag of goulash for a d*ck.

I'm not letting anyone get in the way

of my purple

-headed custard chucker.

Die, g*ns!

Mr. Bang Bang!

I'm sorry we

won't get to change the world together,

Kevin.

Goodbye.

Bang bang.

No one should outlive his g*n.

They're supposed to bury us.

Hey, Chief. It's been

g*n.

Hey, he did one of mine.

He did one of mine!

There was a mass sh**ting

at the airport today.

Seventy

-six g*ns were sh*t,

by which I mean k*lled,

and g*n owners across the country

are up in arms.

Now, it's one thing to see

loved ones get sh*t, or kids.

As a nation, we're used to that.

But g*n

-on

-g*n v*olence?

What's next? Man

-on

-woman p*rn?

What, they have that?

This horrible event has finally led

to massive g*n legislation being passed,

which will take America

from an enormous 400 million g*ns

to a barely noticeable 390 million g*ns,

in what is being called

the Anti

-Anti

-Anti

-g*n

-g*n

-g*n Bill.

Here to explain it,

is NRA spokesperson Gary.

Hi. Hi are you?

Put your g*dd*mn hand down, Gary.

Be strong, America,

and take solace in knowing

those g*ns are in a better place now.

Hmm. Randall Crawford's

"thoughts and prayers" tweet

only got three likes.

Takes at least ten for me

to prevent the next tragedy.

Oh well. f*ck it.

g*ns for all the gangs downtown ♪

One for the schizo homeless clown ♪

Here's a g*n for you, Chris Brown! ♪

Everyone gets a g*n! ♪

This man who's lost both his eyes ♪

Satan in a bad disguise ♪

You're in jail?

Well, that's just fine! ♪

Everyone gets a g*n! ♪

In the 18th century

Some white men had a dream ♪

That one day even children

Could own violent death machines ♪

Now g*ns will stop all heinous crimes

Like stealing candy from a baby ♪

Even this dog owns a g*n ♪

But so does mailman Grady ♪

So g*ns for me and g*ns for you ♪

Militias, cults, and fetuses too ♪

'Cause everyone, everyone

Everyone, everyone ♪

Everyone gets a g*n! ♪