04x10 - The Groupie

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[♪♪♪]

What time is it?

WOMAN: Six a.m.

Oh, damn, I'm gonna be late.

For Sunday morning
church services?

Come on, Fos, come
on. Come to mommy.

Good boy.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

I don't think so.

Oh, come on, you said
you were crazy about me.

Harold, I'm sorry.

But I guess, uh, rent-a-cops
just aren't my thing.

I got my application in
to the police academy.

I tell you what.

Since we had such a good time,

why don't you call me
as soon as you graduate.

What do you say? Bu...

Come on. Have a good day.

Bye. Bye-bye.

[♪♪♪]

Be careful, man.

Those ain't sailors'
windbreakers, you know.

Ah, who says? I say.

That's Russian sable.
Sixty, 70 G's a pop.

Huh, and all this time I
thought them commie broads

had hair on their legs
and wore babushkas.

Yeah, nice babushkas, huh?

[SIREN WAILING]

[WHISTLES]

Close them up!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CLICKS]

[SOFTLY] So, what do you
wanna do with this joker?

[SOFTLY] Well, he sure
as hell doesn't look capable

of pulling off a
211. Not too bright.

Look...

maybe he was a, uh...

The unwitting third
party in this whole thing.

Mm-hm.

[GRUNTS]

Wanna play some Ping-Pong?

Sure. Yeah.

Well, Harold.

We just had a little
meeting over here.

Yeah.

Now, Harold, you don't mind

if I call you Harold,
do you, Harold?

Oh, no, all my
friends call me Harold.

Right. It was my dad's name.

He was a detective
on the Union Pacific

for 30 years. Uh-huh.

My uncle was a prison guard.

That's fine, Harold.
That's fine. Now, listen.

I want you to listen
to me very carefully.

Okay? Mm-hm.

You've had an application for
employment in the department

now, what, for two
years? Yeah, two years.

Yeah, I know about
the hiring freeze.

That's why I took this job
with Switzer Protection.

I thought it'd look
really good on my record

when things opened up.

Harold, what, uh,
Officer Hutchinson here

is trying to tell you

is that although we're
sure you're very interested

in becoming a member
of the, uh, force...

Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, unfortunately, it
seems you've dropped

to the bottom of the list.

Wha...? What do you mean?

Well, you need a little
work on your recall, Harold.

There's something
missing on your report here.

Doesn't jive with what
you told us yesterday.

Why were you late
on your rounds?

And how is it that you
didn't even get off one sh*t?

How much they
pay you to blow it?

Harold. What?

Are you a member of the ring?

Harold, we want the truth.

The truth. Oh, yeah.

Harold, Harold.

You work with us,
we'll work with you.

Well, I-I didn't think it
was important enough

to mention it, so I
just... I just left it out.

Oh, you left what out?

Well, sir.

Well, um...

Well, there's this girl that
works at the fashion mart.

And she's always coming
on to me like gangbusters.

Gangbusters?

Gangbusters.

Yeah. You know how
it is on Saturday night.

Mm. Yeah, ha, ha.

Things were slow,

and I just stopped
up to say hello,

and before you knew
it, we got... involved.

Yeah.

Well, um, I was
late getting back.

Harold. Yeah?

What's her name? Harold.

Where does she
work, Harold? Yeah?

Well, um...

Her... Her name's
Melinda Rogers,

and she works for
Anne Locke Fashions.

Uh-huh.

[WHISTLES AND LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[NASAL VOICE]
Thank you very much.

You know, this is my
first trip to the West Coast.

WOMAN: Melinda,
what are you looking at?

Catch the big buyer
from the sticks.

He'll spend one day at
the mart pinching behinds

and the rest of the week
with the local hookers.

Ha!

Uh-oh. Get ready to meet the
president of Bernie's Emporium.

"Schlock, our specialty."

Oh, excuse me, uh,
excuse me, ladies.

Uh, do you mind?
Is this seat taken yet?

Oh, it's a public place.

Thank you... Thank
you very much.

I think the show's
gonna be really good.

I think it's gonna be excellent.

Yeah, it was really tough

getting those models,
though, you know.

They were very
expensive. You're kidding.

Excuse me, you wouldn't
mind if I took my jacket off?

Uh. No.

You know something? Excuse
me. I couldn't help overhearing.

Are...? You must be
fashion models or something?

Appeared in a lot of magazines?

No, uh...

Nobody wanted to go
on a boat, that was...

HUTCH: Listen, listen.

You know, this is my
first trip to the West Coast.

I usually, um...

I do a lot of, uh, buying in,
uh, Dallas and New York.

Mm, New York.

But I figured this time that,
um, all work and no play

gives Jack Ives a dull day.

So I'm gonna have some fun, huh?

I have some, um,
travel brochures here,

and wondered if,
um, maybe you'd...

Your tie's in your salad.

Oh, yeah. Have you
been to the Lotus Inn?

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

Jack Ives! Bloomington, Indiana!

Uh, that must be me.

Um...

Uh, Mr. Renaldi?

Nice to see you.

[FOREIGN ACCENT] Renaldo.

Renaldi.

STARSKY: That's correct.

Oh, uh... Do you mind?

Oh, I'm... Of course.
Why don't you have a...?

Um, why don't
you sit right down.

Thank you.

I am sorry I'm late,

but I just had to sh**t a
cover for Vogue magazine.

Margo keeps having to
calm down her Yorkies.

Ah, yes.

So. When do you want me to start

on the swimming suits for
your summer promotion?

Um, um, um, well, it...

You know, you must
have a very large store

to be able to afford such
a large expense account.

Well...

As a matter of fact, um,
we do have, uh, 17 stores

scattered throughout Indiana.

Of course, the headquarters
being in Bloomington.

Have you chosen the swimsuits

for your fashion show?

You see, that... That is
the problem, Mr. Renaldi.

Um... It seems that,
uh, since I just arrived,

I have not had a
chance to check out

some of the, uh...
The showrooms.

What?

Do you know what you are saying?

I am very busy man.

I have blocked out
tomorrow for you.

Well, gee whiz, Mr. Renaldo.
I... I'm terribly sorry.

I-I certainly wouldn't want you to
lose any money on my account.

[♪♪♪]

I am an artist,
not an accountant.

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

Pleasure, ladies.

Mr. Renaldi!

Mr. Renaldi.

Uh, Mr. Renaldi!

Oh, Mr. Renaldi!

Where'd he go?

Uh, Mr. Renaldi!

MELINDA: Hello! Excuse
me. You forgot these.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, uh, thank you very...
Thank you very much.

Uh, I don't think I'll be
needing these anymore.

Now, where did he go? Excuse me.

Did I understand you to say

that you're in town to buy
swimwear for your 17 stores?

Uh, yes. Actually,
it's 35, actually.

Thirty-five?

Yeah, yeah, shh.
Yeah, 35 stores.

But don't say anything,
because if Mr. Renaldi knew that,

he would charge me
double. Where did he go?

My, Mr. Ives, you
are a clever man.

Isn't he clever? Very clever.

It's no wonder that
you're so successful.

Oh, eh... Oh, uh,
you really think so?

MELINDA: Absolutely.

I'm Melinda Rogers,
and I'm the showroom...

So continental.

[GIGGLES]

I'm the showroom manager
for Anne Locke Fashions.

Anne Locke Fashions.
Anne Locke Fashions, right.

And this is Barbara
Wilson, one of our models.

Oh, hi, how do you do?

I... Haven't I...? I've
seen you somewhere.

Uh, she was with
me. Food. Lunch.

Oh, right, right.
Where did he go?

BARBARA: I love your outfit.

Oh, you like this?
Well, this is nothing.

I have a red madras leisure suit
that would knock your socks off.

Whoa.

And I bet you wear it
with white loafers too.

How did you know that?
Oh, just a lucky guess.

Mm, taste tells.

Well, I guess so.

Nice tie, nice tie.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

I am telling you that this guy

is right off the bus.

[LAUGHING]

I grabbed him
before he could get

to Rose Marie Reid, Jantzen,
Catalina or Elizabeth Stewart.

That's good, Melinda.

You made a good score on this.

You'll have your own
sales territory in no time.

Is that a promise,
Jack? Hey, baby.

You stick with me,

I'll make you the hottest name

in the rag trade.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

Come on, I want
you to meet this guy.

May I present Jack
Parker. He's our president.

How do you do?
It's nice to meet you.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, that's Jack Parker.

[LAUGHS]

It's nice to meet you.
Very nice to meet...

Nice to meet you. Oh, yeah.

Sit down, please. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, yes. Uh-huh.

Mm, very ni... Very
nice place you have here.

I'm glad you like it.
It's our first season.

Oh, is that a fact?

Well, that's probably why

I, uh, never associated Anne
Locke with, um, swimwear.

[LAUGHS]

Well, they always had
a firmly established...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Matron line.

We feel the future
of fashion is in youth.

After all, half the
population is under 25.

The other half doesn't
look too well in swimwear.

You're right, and the other
half wants to look under 25.

Oh, that's three halves.

[LAUGHS]

Yes. Well, I'm sure you'd
like to know something of Ives.

Since, of course, Jack Ives
has not done too much business

on the West Coast.
So I have here...

Yes, um...

Right here, yes.

And, um, here I have
a letter of credit...

for, um, $100,000.

JACK: A hundred
thousand dollars?

Yes, my motto being:

Money talks, or take a walk.

[LAUGHING] That's very cute.

Well, we're sure your
company is ethical, solvent...

Just take a... Yes.

Deals in good faith.

Mm-hm.

[CHUCKLES]

There's no need for
a letter of this kind.

Oh, well.

Thank you very much.

I'm sure we're going to do
a lot of business together.

Well, I certainly hope so, yes.

As a matter of fact... Yes.

Why don't you come to
our Anchors Aweigh party?

Anchors Aweigh. Right.

♪ My boys, anchors aweigh ♪

JACK: We're going to, uh,

unveil the whole
swim line. Oh...

We're holding it
on a cruise ship.

In the meantime,
I'm sure that, uh,

Melinda would love to
show you the local sights.

Oh, Miss Rogers?

Oh, that would be wonderful.

As a matter of fact,
I would love to see

one of those freaked out
West Coast nightclubs.

[LAUGHS]

Where everybody
gets down and boogies.

Well, if you don't
mind slumming,

I think I heard of
a place downtown

I can take you to.

That's wonderful.

That's great. So if
you'll excuse me.

Oh, yes, of... No, no.
You stay right here.

Oh, well.

And I wanna assure
you that these swimsuits

you're seeing now

represent some of
the greatest designs

in the entire industry.

Oh, I'm sure they do.
And you just take your pick.

Oh, I will.

[LAUGHING]

Ciao. Right.

Oh, he's a wonderful man.

A very hard-working
soul. Hard-working man.

Excuse me, Miss Rogers. Yes.

Melinda, sorry.

I wonder if I could
impose upon you

to perhaps have the models
come back one more time.

No problem. Thank you.

Ladies!

[♪♪♪]

The newspaper.

It's 25 big ones.

A bonus for you and the boys.

Nice score you made last night.

Yeah?

Well, it was our last one.

Your information
on that patrolman

almost blew it for us.

Well, what can I say?

According to the
dispatch schedule

and our own surveillance,

he was supposed
to have been there

just before you arrived
and an hour after you left.

We'll check it out.

Man, it just ain't professional
to make slip-ups like that.

Right.

Next job's gonna
be real professional.

We're gonna get us

a truckload of blue chinchilla.

Yeah? That good?

That's like the key
to Fort Knox, baby.

[♪♪♪]

I am tired of coming into this
office, captain, and talking...

Detectives Hutchinson
and Starsky.

How do you do? The
officers on the case.

Mr. Marks represents
the... How do you do?

Commission that's with the, uh,

manufacturers in
our garment industry.

No use to waste
your time, gentlemen.

I'll just get right
to the main points.

This area has become a major
factor in the fashion industry.

In fact, we are the second
largest manufacturer

and producer of fashion
apparel in the United States.

Gee, I didn't know
that. Interesting.

Can it.

More than 100,000 people here

are employed by members
of our trade association,

which last year racked up
sales of more than $2.6 billion.

That's billions, not
millions, gentlemen.

Billions. Billions.

Do you have any idea how
much federal, state and local taxes

is paid by our
people on $2.6 billion?

Two-point-six billion.

Do you have any idea

how many police officer
salaries we pay each year?

I make 22 thou. How about...?

I said to can it.

The point is, we are
not getting the protection

for which we are paying.

We even had to
rent our own security,

which, as you can
see, is of no help.

Yesterday's fur heist
was the third this month.

We want it stopped.

I make myself clear?

Eminently.

Good.

Good day, captain.

Good day, Mr. Marks.

What was that? Eminently.

I think Mr. Marks put it
in pretty good perspective.

Or do I have to draw
you two a picture?

Why don't you do that?

I wanna tell you that
the commissioner's

been after me with
a red-hot poker.

Fun-and-game times is over.

What do you have
I can take to him?

Okay, we
double-checked our snitch.

Looks like Jack Parker's
in this thing up to his ears.

The bureau doesn't think so.

Well, who you gonna believe?

An accountant with
a g*n, or a booster

with a suspended sentence
caught in a dead-bang bust?

All right, you read his 302.

It says he's clean
as a hound's tooth.

Yeah, if you like good stories.

Especially if you
like light fiction.

[♪♪♪]

The sensual look is really back
this season, as you can see.

Oh, yes.

These bikinis are hot items.

They sell themselves. Thank you.

Uh-huh.

Mary, why don't
you go a little closer

so Mr. Ives can get a
real good look at the suit.

What do you think?

Oh, that's a lovely
seat... Eh, suit, um...

Um...

Yeah.

I think it's a little racy
for southern Indiana.

I'm terribly sorry.

No problem. I'm sorry.

No problem. Thank you very much.

We've got things for
every taste, believe me.

Oh, good. Like right
here, for example.

Now, this is a suit that'll
really show off a tan.

Oh, yes, wow.
Turn around, honey.

[GASPS] Really nice, huh?

It comes in nylon and Lycra,
and it is hand-washable.

Oh, by hand.

Both of them. Aha.

What do you think of
our shimmery black?

Well, shimmery has always
been one of my very favorite colors.

Thank you. Yes.

Okay.

Karen, you wanna
come down please?

Very lovely. Very lovely.

Now, this bikini with the
stretchy bandeau top...

Oh, yes, but I would
say that your bandeaus

are one of your more
outstanding features.

[GIGGLES]

Right. Thank you very much.

Thank you, Karen.

Well, as you know, Mr. Ives...

Oh, you remember
Barbara, don't you?

Oh, I've seen you
somewhere before.

Lunch. Lunch.

Oh, lunch. Lunch,
yes, of course.

Right, yes.

The one-piece maillot
is making a comeback.

Oh, yeah. Hold the maillot. Heh.

A very strong
comeback, I might add.

Yes. You wanna turn around?

What do you think? Nice.

Very, very nice.

Okay, thank you, ladies.
Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you very much, ladies.

Do you have any overall
impressions, Mr. Ives?

Well, it's, um...

I-it's, uh... It's very
confusing, um...

Yeah.

What with the,
uh, bikinis coming

and the one-pieces going,

and the, uh, Lycra and the nylon

and the shimmeries
and the Band-Aids.

I wonder if I could
impose upon you, uh,

maybe to bring all
of your lovely ladies

out here one more time

so I could take a more
comprehensive look.

One more time?

We must consider our markets.

[SIGHS]

Right. Ladies! Guess what?

[WOMEN GROANING]

[FOREIGN ACCENT] This
is love. Look at the blue sky.

Look at the sun
on the buildings.

What you doing, huh?
Give me love, give me love.

That's it. That's it.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Give it to me, give it to me.

Oh, oh, yes, make it happen.

That's right, that's
right. Oh, yes. Do it, do it.

That's right, that's right.

Everything lilacs and
roses, coming out your nose.

The lights. Can
you see everything?

Make it all happen.
Let's get out of here.

Excuse me.

I gotta split.

What you mean?

When am I gonna get
those prints you promised?

I'll mail them to you.

But you ain't got my address.

I'll call you.

But you ain't got my number.

Uh, 36-24-34.

Yeah. That is my number.

[NORMAL VOICE] How did it go?

[EXHALES] Oh, I don't know.

Beats sitting home alone.

Yeah, really. Say, uh,
you didn't happen to see

any good-looking foxes up there?

No, no. Not a one. Not
a one. How 'bout you?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

All pushing 17 or on the
way to retirement homes.

Boring, boring. Boring.

How come I didn't know
about this place before?

Well, I guess they didn't
wanna overload your, uh...

Isn't that the truth?

Really. So you got
anything for Parker?

Oh, yeah. Got him right here.

Look, I'm gonna grab
a cab back to the hotel.

I got a dinner date at 6:00.

Miss Melinda Rogers
is picking me up.

No kidding.

In my daddy's day, the man
used to pick up the woman.

Well, times change, and who am
I to stand in the way of progress?

Look at how you're
dressed. I have to agree.

Cute.

MAN: Hey, Starsky!

Don't tell me, Starsky.

You're going undercover as a
bush-league paparazzi, right?

Well, if it isn't my
favorite fed, Bill Walters.

You know, we're gonna have
to stop meeting like this, Bill.

You know, I've been
saying that for years.

I'd like you guys to meet my
new partner here, Ed Ohlin.

HUTCH: Now, just
hold on a second.

[CLICKS]

Well, he's not as
good-looking as you are, Bill,

but he sure is as bad a dresser.

I'd like to meet your tailor.

Oh, you like that, huh?

BILL: So we understand you guys

are showing a great
interest in Jack Parker.

You, uh, know
something we don't know?

How 'bout the whole
human experience?

How'd you know about
our interest in Parker?

We got a copy of
your 302 request.

If you got something, I
think you ought to share.

What, you afraid we might blow
one of your press conferences?

No, but it would be
in everybody's interest

if you just let
him do his thing.

Not if his thing is what
we think his thing is.

Look, fellas, we could have
some very serious problems

if you continue to press Parker.

Now, do you
understand what I mean?

Not without a translator.

Why don't you cut out
the federal double talk?

Tell us what's up.

Sorry, Starsky. Can't do that.

It's classified information.

Let's just say that
sometimes the big picture

is more important
than the bit parts.

Beg your pardon?

I said... sometimes
the big picture...

is more important
than the bit parts.

You guys get your dialogue

from the same
training manual, huh?

Look, guys, all we're
saying to you is, uh,

lay off Parker, okay?

Can't do that, Bill.

But we'll try to be gentle.

[♪♪♪]

[SNICKERS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER] [HUMMING]

HUTCH: Well, I asked for freaked
out, but this place is The Pits.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You know, I've never
been here myself,

but I hear this is a good place

to see how all the
natives hang out.

Yeah. Underworld and undercover.

Oh, undercover?

Well, you've dipped
and you sipped.

We take cash, no lip.

And if you dig what is hip,
you'll cough up a big tip.

That's the most native
"native" I've seen.

Excuse me, are you with the,
um, African Foreign Legion?

No, but I usually wear
a bone through my nose,

but it's out getting polished.

Oh, that's cute. I'm from
Bloomington, Indiana.

You see what I mean
about slumming?

I'll take that, if
you don't mind.

Oh, thank you. Oh,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not with
women's lib, are you?

Oh, no, woman's lib
has nothing to do... Oh!

MELINDA: Sorry.

Oh, that... That's all
right. It's a rubber suit.

Women's lib has
nothing to do with it.

Actually, I'm more an
old-fashioned-type girl,

but I invited you,
remember that.

Oh, yes, but... But you
know, back in Indiana,

the waiter would leave the
tip on the table and disappear.

Not here. So, um...

What is an old-fashioned
girl like you doing

still on the loose?

Guess I just haven't
found the right guy.

Mm-hm.

Hutch. Hutch, it's you,
and I cannot believe it.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Uh,
my name is Jack Ives

from Bloomington, Indiana.

You must be mistaken.

MAN: You've gotta be kidding me!

Though your wardrobe
does wonders for you,

but you gotta lose the
accent. It's a little flaky.

Good luck, kid,
you're gonna need it.

Uh, you're mistaken.

Have you ever been here before?

Uh, no, no.

Um, but if it's
true what they say,

that there is somewhere in
the world a double for you,

this must be the place
that he hangs out for me.

[CHUCKLES]

I guess so.

Well, um...

So, what do you say we,
uh, set out for the disco

and get down and, uh, boogie?

That sounds terrific.

But first I promised my
roommate I'd check up on him.

"Him"? As in "he"?

Yeah.

But I don't think he's gonna
be any competition for you.

Oh, no? Shall we go?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

Here we are. Come in.

Ah, yes. It's very,
very nice. Thank you.

Mm, farm out. Farm... Ew.

What's the matter?

[WHINING]

Me and the... Me and
dogs don't get along too well.

Oh, come on. See,
he's saying hello to you.

That's Fosdick, my roommate.

Besides, he's not
gonna hurt you.

Oh, yeah? He only
sings for blonds.

Oh, that's very
nice. Good boy. Yes.

Okay, Fosdick,
shh, relax, relax.

Maybe you'd like a
drink to calm you down.

You have any milk? Milk. Milk?

Uh, sure, there's a fridge
right under the wet bar.

Why don't you help yourself?

Okay. Here, let me take this.

You go ahead.
I'll be right back.

Easy, big fella.

Fosdick.

Don't you hurt him.
Okay? Lie down.

Bully.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um...

Uh, would you like something?

Oh, yes, please.
Scotch and soda.

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

What a drunk.

Hey, Fos.

Oh, well, looks like you've
made peace with Fosdick, huh?

F-Fosdick.

Uh, well, I... Yes, I'm
getting him loaded.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you very much,
but I'd like some of that.

May I please? Fosdick,
don't be such a pig. Come on.

Come on. Now, come over
here. Get off Mr. Ives. Come on.

Dog hairs and everything.
Right over here. Good boy.

Now, you sit down.

Sit. Sit. Nice... Nice dog.

We share everything.
That's nice.

Well, Mr. Ives, we have
a choice to make here.

We can either go to a very
stuffy, crowded discotheque,

or we can stay here
and get comfortable.

What do you think?

Well, personally... Great.

You Midwesterners
have all the right answers.

I bet you're a Purdue man, huh?

Um... Uh...

P-Purdue. Oh, yes.
Class of '65. Yes.

How would you know
that? Just a lucky guess.

And besides, it is the only
college in Bloomington.

Oh, in Bloomington,
yes, of course.

So now, about
getting comfortable...

Mr. Ives, or whatever
your name is.

[FOSDICK WHIMPERS]

What do you mean,
"whatever my name is"?

Oh, please. Now, don't
play games with me.

[♪♪♪]

I just love policemen.

Oh, that... That's very
nice. Policemen. I'm a buyer.

[CHUCKLES]

I can read a cop at 800
yards. Eight hundred.

And you have "cop"
written all over you.

Hoo-hoo-hoo. Um, uh...

Well...

Wait, wait. Wait,
just a minute here.

I... I am, uh...

I am not a policeman.

I... They have to be brave
and manly and strong.

If you're not a policeman,
then you're a narc.

A narc?

And you're trying to get a line

on my boss's coke
connection, right?

Look, that's interesting...
Or else you're with the IRS.

And you're trying to
stick him with a tax rap.

Either one is okay with
me. No, no, no, wait, wait.

I am, eh, Jack Ives from
Bloomington, Indiana.

Baloney.

Well, that's easy
for you to say.

For your information,
Purdue is located in Lafayette.

In Lafayette, huh?
Not Bloomington.

Not Bloomington.

Now, am I gonna have to
spread the word all over the mart

that you're a cop?

Answer quick.

[NORMAL VOICE] Why,
that's, uh... That's extortion.

You got that right.

Uh, but then again, I really
don't have much choice, do I?

Not a prayer.

[♪♪♪]

HUTCH: Well, I got some good
news, and I got some bad news.

Well, let's hear the
good news first. Okay.

Melinda Rogers has not so much
as a parking ticket against her.

But she's a cop groupie

who goes for anything
from a badge to a b*llet.

Even a rent-a-cop?

Even a junior G-man
if he looks old enough.

Well, what's the bad news?

You don't wanna hear it.

She saw right through my act.

Straight through it. Really?

She volunteered
to join the posse.

How'd you manage
to convince her?

Well, basic, simple,
fundamental police work.

Yeah, I told her that anything
that she might say could and...

BOTH [IN UNISON]:
Would be held against her.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

You got any good news?

Jack Parker's
prints on the letter.

Got a good lift? Yep.

And the boys at the
lab told me those prints

also belong to one
"Smooth Tony" Zucker.

Alias Jack Parker.

Right. Furthermore,
Jack Parker...

Alias "Smooth-talking"
Tony Zucker.

Also happens to
have the initials O.C.

after his name.

As in... "Organized Crime."

Right.

It's no wonder that the
bureau's laid claim to that boy.

Wonder how they'll feel
when we pull this case

from under their noses.

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Hey, you lose somebody?

Are you talking to me?

Can the innocent act, baby.

You've been tailing me,
and I wanna know why.

Looks like I got my hand
caught in the cookie jar, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

You're right. I have
been following you.

Yeah? Well,
what's the rest of it?

Oh, this is so embarrassing.
I feel so stupid telling you...

Look, stop stalling.

Well, I work for
Jack Parker, right?

And I saw you talking to him.

And you look just like
an old boyfriend of mine.

But I couldn't get a
close enough look

'cause I'm so outrageously
nearsighted, you know.

So I figured that if I
bumped into you accidentally,

then I would be able to see...

But, uh, you're not an old
boyfriend of mine, are you?

No. Brand-new, honey.
Ain't nothing old about me.

I'm Roy Sears, and
you're pleased to meet me.

Well, you are a
modest man, aren't you?

You know what they
say: if you got it, flaunt it.

[GIGGLES]

You a friend of Jack's?

Yeah. I guess you could
say we're business associates.

So then, why don't you stop by
sometime when you're around.

I'm his showroom manager.

I, uh... I don't like mixing
with all these people

that smell like they
been sleeping on lilacs.

Come on now, Mr. Sears.

I bet you I could teach you

to enjoy the flowers
along the way.

Yeah, I bet you could.
So when do we start?

[♪♪♪]

STARSKY: If you
need any help with that...

HUTCH: Hey, she
just washed there.

Well, I'll be careful. Oops.

HUGGY: Well, well, well,
well. How's my main men?

My slack, my pipeline
to the city treasury?

Enough.

At least you could say
you're glad to see me.

Well, I'm glad to see you
out of that loud costume

you had on last night.

Yeah, well, that double-knit
legionnaire's costume

of yours gave me the hives.

This dude sure knows
how to pick a corny cover.

Speaking of cover. Yeah,
you heard of this dude

by the name of
"Smooth Tony" Zucker?

Mm, that depends. How much?

On how much you willing to pay.

Here's a dime for the telephone.

Consider it a down payment.

Sure makes a man
feel good to know

that he's dealing
with real big spenders.

Two bucks on a
game of Eight Ball?

HUTCH: You got it.

[♪♪♪]

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

You all look fabulous.

Now, this is the first
show of the new line.

Keep your chins up,

give 'em those
million-dollar smiles,

and let's knock 'em dead.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Hello, Jack. Hey,
where have you been?

[SIGHS] Looking for you.

Did you get hold of
that dizzy columnist?

Yeah, she's confirmed.

And so is the new vice
president of marketing

for Coastal Designs.

Fantastic. What about Bazaar?

Every major magazine
and trade-press publication

is gonna be here.

Didn't you read the
memo I sent you?

No, I forgot about that.

Jack, it would help you
remember their names

when you see them,
you know. Where is it?

It's in the stateroom.
We're using it as an office.

Okay, I'll go get it. Great.

Everything looks
fantastic. Thank you, baby.

[♪♪♪]

[LINE RINGING]

Hello, police headquarters?
Officer Hutchinson, please.

MAN: He's not in right
now. May I take a message?

Uh, can I speak to his
superior officer then?

That would be Captain Dobey.

Fine. That's fine, thanks.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Captain Dobey here.

Yes. Captain Dobey?

Yes, this is Captain
Dobey. Who's speaking?

Melinda Rogers. Listen, I
don't have much time to talk,

but I have an urgent
message for Officer Hutchinson.

You know, the undercover cop
with the scar on his lower back.

Listen, young lady...

Don't interrupt me.
There isn't much time.

I have been following Sears

and if Hutch
doesn't move quickly,

he's gonna be made, if
you know what I mean.

I can't talk anymore.

I'll tell you what, I'll
check in later, okay?

Where are you...? Thank you.

[LINE CLICKS]

SEARS: Too bad, sweetheart.

Looks like the end
of what could've been

a beautiful relationship.

Now, what can you
tell us about Zucker?

He wins
Snitch-of-the-Year award.

HUTCH: That's no big surprise.

STARSKY: What can you tell us

that we haven't read in
the National Enquirer?

Well, according to
my connect back East,

"Smooth Tony" was in the Mobs.

But he pulled a disappearing act

when he traded his trip to
the slam for his singing act.

Dig this: he was big
in the rag business.

He'd extort his way
into a clothing company,

bleed it to death before forcing
it into a Chapter 7 Bankruptcy.

Sounds like a
white-collar expert

with a little muscle tossed in.

He was into a
little more than that.

A little hijacking,
a little fencing.

A regular Renaissance
man of the felonious arts

and he's still in business.

Not for long.

Shall we? Thank you.

And what about my 50 bucks?

HUTCH: Later.

Now can we please
stop this silly game

and tell me what
this is all about?

Knock it off, Miss
Innocent. Oh...

Should've realized
your story was a phony.

You never thought I
was any old boyfriend.

You're an undercover cop.

That's right, Sears. And
you're both under arrest.

[LAUGHING]

What are you laughing at?

I happen to be a police officer
and I demand you to release me.

Oh, yeah. That's
a cute badge, baby.

If you're an undercover
cop, I'm J. Edgar Hoover.

Well...

if she ain't a cop...

who is she?

Hey.

That's for you to find out.

[♪♪♪]

DOBEY: This is not
amateur night in Dixie.

I've never had a phone call
like that in my entire career.

Young girl phones up...

Not a young girl.
She's 30 years old.

You shut your mouth and
listen to what I have to say.

Now this young girl
calls me on the phone,

acting like she's OD'd on
some James Bond movie,

says something about a
scar on your lower back.

Tells me she's,
uh, following Sears.

In secret-agent double talk,
tells me she's blown your cover.

Now, what is this...?

I don't know,
captain! It's bizarre!

To say the least.

Sears guy she's following
is a dirty piece of garbage.

Captain, what about Parker?

Any way we can get a court order

for a wiretap or
a search warrant?

I wanna think about
that a moment. Captain,

Parker's not the first
guy the feds have tried

to relocate back
to the old ways.

And he's not gonna be the last.

Now, look, we can build
a case against this guy.

Parker is the key to all the
hijackings and robberies.

Okay. All right.

But first you get that
young lady out of this mess.

How do you suggest I do that?

Why don't you
show her your scar!

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[SIGHS]

Already I feel seasick.

Just don't get between
me and the wind, huh?

All right. Now, are
you gonna talk?

Not in a million years.

Okay. [COCKS]

All right, don't
get excited. I'll talk.

Smart girl.

Now, when you called
police headquarters,

you asked for a guy named
Hutchinson. Who is he?

[QUIETLY] He's an undercover...

You lose your voice?

He's an undercover officer
for the police department.

What's his cover? [SIGHS]

He's posing as a buyer

named Jack Ives from
Bloomington, Indiana.

That's it. Let's
get out of here.

What about the feds?

They'll drop me like hot lead

as soon as the police
blow the whistle on me.

Oh, man. It was
such a sweet deal.

Yeah. There'll be others.
You stay with this birdbrain.

I'll get somebody to
get the show started.

Then we'll get out of here.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Ladies, do you mind? Thank you.

See her yet? I don't know.

She's probably dusting
the deck for fingerprints.

Oh, well, if it isn't
the man of the hour.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Looks like Smooth Tony's
going into his 7th Avenue routine.

Well, just as long
as he doesn't sing.

For those of you who don't
know me, I'm Jack Parker,

and I'd like to welcome you
to our Anchors Aweigh party.

We have the pleasure
tonight of introducing you

to Anne Locke's fantastic
new design of swimwear.

You're going to enjoy
yourselves immensely.

Thank you. [APPLAUSE]

Music, please.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

See you later.

HUTCH: Mr. Parker.

Jack Ives. Bloomington, Indiana.

Oh, yeah, Mr. Ives.

I'm glad you didn't
overdress for our little party.

Who's your designer?

Jacques Penny.

He's into the funky,
tacky look this season.

Have you seen Melinda?

Almost forgot. She said
she wanted to see you.

It's very important. Oh,
yeah? Where is she?

In the stateroom. I'll show you.

That's all right.

I wouldn't want you to
leave your customers.

I can find it. Just
tell me the number.

J-1-4-5.

J-1-4-5. Mm-hm.

Thank you very much.

Oh, by the way, you have a
really nice line of swimwear.

[KNOCKS]

JACK: Officer Hutchinson.

[♪♪♪]

Well, that's a charming
accessory you got there.

Was it part of the
street-punk look?

Yeah, it's a piece
of office equipment.

Lift his.

Be our guest. Go on
in. Thank you very much.

Mm-hm.

Hutch! Hutch.

She's glad to see you, huh, cop?

Yeah, well, the
feeling's not mutual.

Sit down. Okay, I'll sit down.

I'm sorry, but Sears
heard me calling Dobey.

All right now, buster.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You stay cool and
nobody's gonna get hurt.

Whatever you say.

I'll check a few things out.

Be right back.

You know you're not
gonna get away with this.

There are gonna be
cops crawling all over.

You've been reading too
many comic books, sweetheart.

We're gonna be long gone before
they discover golden boy here

got caught daydreaming.

[♪♪♪]

[CLICKS]

SEARS: Who is it?
Gobble, gobble, gobble.

What? Gobble, gobble, gobble.

You are the turkey.
This is the door prize.

Sit down!

Keys are in the
right shirt pocket.

Ahem. Congratulations,
Sergeant York.

Mr. Renaldo?

Well, Coop couldn't
have done any better.

You guys wanna tell
me what's going on here?

Meet my partner, Dave Starsky.

Hi. Ow.

You all right? Yeah, fine.

Okay, take this piece.
You hold it on him.

He lets out a chirp, wing him.

Like hell she will.

Don't try me. I'm half Sicilian.

[♪♪♪]

STARSKY: Which side you want?

I got the left. I got the right.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]

[APPLAUSE]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

WOMAN: Don't sh**t
me! Get off of me!

[SCREAMS]

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nsh*t]

[YELLING]

Like you were
saying, Mr. Parker.

You've got very nice swimwear.

[♪♪♪]

Here is to a job well done.

Ah, you can say that again.

Here is to a job well done.
You can say that again.

Yeah. You wouldn't say
that... Look what's here.

Oh, just what I
need, the cop groupie.

Yeah. Well, bud,
I think it's time

that you got out from under.

Think so? If she'll
pardon the expression.

Hello, everybody.
Hutch, hello. Hi, Melinda.

Oh, I miss you.
So big, so strong.

It's nice to see you.

I don't mean to be...

I don't mean to be
abrupt or anything,

but, um, can I get to the point?

Right on.

Did I do something wrong?

Oh, no, not exactly.
I guess it's just, uh...

[MUTTERS]

A question of values.

"Values."

Good word.

Thank you. Thank you.
You see, Melinda, you are...

an extraordinarily bright
girl and... And very pretty.

And you have
everything going for you.

Don't you think so, Starsky?

Oh, indeed I do. Indeed I do.

Mm, hear, hear.

Thank you, everybody.
So my point...

Oh, what the hell.

Look, I think you're just

getting a little too old
for this groupie thing.

Excuse me.

You don't have to go after
the boys in blue all the time.

I don't? No, no. It's... It's...

Melinda, it's the individual
that counts, not the uniform.

You know, that makes
a lot of sense to me.

Yeah, I-I thought
you'd understand.

Thanks. As a matter of fact,
I came here this very evening

to meet an individual

who's gonna take me
for a very intimate dinner.

Oh, that's terrific. Where
is he? Where is he?

Well, I'll tell you
something right now.

If I were him I wouldn't be late
for someone as foxy as you are.

Oh, he's not late. No?

No. Yep.

Shall we? Delighted.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]