01x01 - Pilot

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Go On". Aired: August 8, 2012 – April 11, 2013.*
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Matthew Perry stars in an offbeat comedy about a cocky sportscaster dealing with his issues.
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01x01 - Pilot

Post by bunniefuu »

And you can kiss the playoffs
good-bye again.

Now you want respect,
go to Lambeau

and b*at the packers.

You're listening
to Jack Madden

filling in once more on
the Ryan King show on K-ball.

Hey, I'm back!

Hey, hi.

Up next, Jets center
Nick Mangold.

Hey, Steven, lady.

I'm back
and better than ever.

Ryan,
they said you called.

Jack? Jack Madden!

You don't have
to do this anymore.

I listened on the way in.

Not strong.

Hey, let's go to my office,
yeah?

You're not supposed
to be back yet.

I am fine.

I am ready
to be back on the air.

I bursting with all new
provocative takes on things.

"The Olympics,
they've gotten too foreign."

"Did he just say that?"

He did just say that.

Buddy, you gotta
deal with Janie.

You remember Janie, right?

Sure, about yea high,
completed me,

doesn't come around
much anymore.

Your wife d*ed
a month ago.

How could you be okay?

I'll be okay as long
as everyone else is cool,

which means no more
sad looks

and no more flowers

and no more sympathy cake.

It just occurs
to me now there's

no such thing
as sympathy cake.

Margaret, happy 60th.

I know what this is about,

and I love Margaret too,

but there is no way
she is only 60.

Look, corporate thinks,
and I agree,

that you need some help.
All right?

Carrie, come in.

We put together
a list of names,

people you can talk to.

You're on his side?
You work for me.

I am always on your side.

You are smart,
and you're handsome.

- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

Therapy? Group sessions?

No, this is...
It's not for me.

Look, I'm not gonna lie.

I have my bad days,
but that's why I'm here.

This is
where I feel like myself.

This is what I need.

Ten sessions,
get the sheet signed,

then you can come back.

Ten sessions... ten hours
of talking about my feelings.

- See, you know what I need?
- Feelings.

I'm just gonna sit in the back
and listen to something.

Fill this up.
With what?

Please.

You've heard them all
so many times.

The Ryan King show!

- The Ryan King show.
- The Ryan King show.

Welcome back
the Ryan King show.

Still with me is Celtics star
Kevin Garnett.

KG, thanks
for sticking around.

My pleasure, man.

Anytime I'm on with you,
it's a few minutes

I'm guaranteed
you're not slamming me.

Kev, you're the man,
14-time all-star,

world champion.
So here's the question.

Who's the ugliest guy
you've ever played with?

Really, man?

This is what you're doing
in your spare time?

The, uh,
transitions group?

Thank you,
my Lord.

Hi, is this the group
for, uh...

- Life change.
- Life change, right.

So is it mainly for people
who have just won the lottery,

or...?

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi.

Okay.

Guys, Lauren's
on the phone.

She's late,
and she asked me to start.

Don't worry, Lauren.
I'll make you proud.

I can totally handle this.

Oh, my God.
There's a new person!

Yeah, he heard that.

Sorry, Lauren.

Welcome.

Hello.
I'm Ryan.

I'm really
just observing,

so just pretend
I'm not here.

That's certainly
what I'll be doing.

Well, let's jump in.

- Is everybody seated?
- Yeah.

Why do I feel like
your life change

involves wearing a suit
of other people's skin?

Whoa.

Who wants to start,
to my right?

It's Owen, George.

He's not gonna say anything.

Oh, for God's sakes,
I'll start.

Tomorrow will be five months
since Patricia's been gone.

Stop takes notes,
right now.

I miss her snore.

I can't bring myself
to sleep in our bed.

Five months on the couch,
kids think I'm nuts.

Hey, you should be happy
you have family.

I wish I did.

And be happy
you have a bed.

The bank took mine.

Well, my stuff is a lot
worse than yours.

Guys, stop. You know Lauren says
we shouldn't compare like this.

No, no, no. Don't stop.

Sorry, it's just,
that's the fun part.

Humans compete.
We like rankings.

The Dodgers
are in fourth place.

Back in black is
the third highest selling

album of all-time.

Bradley Cooper's
the sexiest man alive,

because apparently
People magazine

has never heard
of a Mr. Ryan gosling.

Be honest,
when you sit here

listening to someone
else's problems,

you may smile and nod,
but he's right.

A big part of you
is thinking,

"my thing's worse
than your thing."

- Am I right?
- Look, new guy,

I don't know who you are,
but yes.

Whose thing
is the worst?

Okay.

We're gonna figure it out.

What are you doing?

We are gonna have
a little contest

to see who can bottom who.

Uh, I don't think Lauren
would want us...

Screw what Laura...

It's Lauren,
and she's been

instrumental
in my healing journey.

- You frighten me.
- Good.

Here are the brackets.

We've all made it
to the tournament.

Congratulations.
Oh!

Now, we're gonna
go head-to-head.

You got five seconds
to tell your sob story.

Winners advance,
we go a couple of rounds,

and we know once and for all
who rules the land.

Are you in?

We could call it
"March sadness."

Okay.

That's exactly what
we're gonna call it.

Owen, I love you.
I just fell in love with you.

I know it's sudden.
You man the board.

Okay, we got
an odd number of people.

Is anybody okay
to sit out?

I can.
I like to watch.

I'm sure you do.

Okay, go.

Big job, fiancee,
friends,

left it all to try to sing,
failed.

Wow, it's like
a sad haiku.

Okay, you, go.

- Sir?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you talking to me?

It's hard for me
to be sure

- as I've gone blind.
- Ooh.

Wow, George is not
messing around.

You, sir, are moving on.

Five seconds and go.

Okay, uh, I came home
from work.

Pat was supposed
to be there.

And the house was so quiet.
Two seconds.

I went up the stairs
and down the hallway...

- Time.
- She d*ed. She's dead.

Her heart exploded
because she wouldn't

- take her stupid pills.
- Sorry.

You've been disqualified.

Clock management is key,
people.

- Yours to lose.
- No!

I can't lose to this.

Three seconds.

My cat d*ed.

On a technicality,

feline death beats human one,
our first upset.

What a Cinderella story.

That was her name.

Cinderella was her name.

Jeez.

Look, my friends think I
should be here, but I'm fine.

He's not fine. He's in total denial.

Five seconds.

I came back
from deployment,

and there was my wife
with the new baby.

- Okay, so you missed the birth?
- And the conception.

Danny, your wife
and her lover have sent you

- into the final four.
- Neat.

I haven't seen a sunset
in 20 years.

Megan Fox?

I'm told she's attractive.

I wouldn't know.

And her friends here too.

Well, if Don's Spanish
is any good,

and I have no reason
to believe that it is,

that is
a heartbreaking story.

I'm sorry.
You're out.

Okeydokey.
Fun game.

Okay, George,
your blindness

has carried you
to the final four,

but I think there's
more to your game.

What else you got for us?

Diabetes, arthritis,

had a stroke,
three heart att*cks.

George is going
to the finals.

Sonia, I'm sorry.
But you're still young.

A lot of bad stuff
is gonna happen to you.

You'll be back.

You can't see that.

Fausta, this is it, baby.

Sciatica, shingles, hernia.

Broke my hip, lost my toe.

This hand doesn't work.

I heard muertos,

and I think the words
for "father,"

"brother,"
and "slippers."

We have a winner.

It's me! I win! Yes!

Whoo!

It's all over.

Her bright
and shining moment!

You lose. You lose.
You lose. You lose.

Hi. Lauren, is it?

I have a sheet
I'm gonna need you to sign.

Why don't we welcome
our new

and very spirited
friend Ryan?

- Welcome, Ryan.
- Welcome.

Now, about what I witnessed
when I arrived,

we try not to compare
experiences here.

Why do we have that rule?

Uh, because to do so
would suggest

that one person's experience

is more or less valid
than another's.

Thank you, Yolanda.

And, Fausta, any time
you wanna take that off...

Take it off.

Can you appreciate that,
Ryan?

Why we would have that rule?

- Sure.
- Thank you, Ryan.

- I honor that.
- Thank you.

And thanks for saying
my name so much.

It's weird, but nice.

It's important to laugh.

But it's also
important to cry,

- to sing, to dance...
- To swim.

Less so.

What do humor and armor
have in common, Ryan?

They were both involved

in the great rubber chicken w*r
of 1983?

- All right.
- Mmm.

No, um, actually,
they both deflect pain

away from
our vulnerable places.

But we are here to embrace,
not deflect.

Why don't we all do that?

Okay, why don't we
embrace ourselves

and fold ourselves
in a nice, big hug?

Ahh.

Now at the sound
of the gong,

I would like you all to...

I want the top five
in order.

Oh, man, come on.
I mean,

I'm not the cutest guy
on the court myself.

Oh, that's insanity, KG.

In fact, I'd guess
whatever planet you're from,

you're the best-looking one
there.

♪ Run like a race
for family ♪

♪ when you hear
like you're alone ♪

♪ rusty gears
of morning ♪

♪ to faceless busy phones ♪

♪ we gladly run in circles ♪

♪ but the shape
we meant to make ♪

♪ is gone ♪

♪ love is
a tired symphony ♪

♪ you hum
when you're awake ♪

♪ love is
the best sensation ♪

♪ hiding
in the lion's mane ♪

♪ so I'll clear the road,
the gravel ♪

♪ and the thornbush
in your path ♪

♪ that burns
a scented oil ♪

♪ that I'll drip
into your bath ♪

♪ the water's there
to warm you ♪

♪ and the earth
is warmer ♪

♪ when you laugh ♪

All right,
we have a wide variety

of experience here,

but today,
I would like us to focus on

our commonality.

Now that
you're all paired up,

I'd like you
to find three words

that express
your shared experience.

Listen, I'm just here
to get my sheet signed,

so if you choose to talk,
don't be afraid

I'm gonna make you go deep
or anything.

Ryan, did you have time
to look over the rules

I shared with you last week?

I did have time
to do that, yes.

Great.

What do you
want to talk about?

N... no one else
seems to be holding hands.

No.

No, thank you.

I don't like this.

Oh, Anne, everything
happens for a reason.

Say another man
hadn't impregnated my wife,

I would've never met
you great people.

You're a ing idiot,
you know that?

Anything with a pet
and a toilet in it,

I find very funny.

Is it just me?

It is just you, yes.

Hey, hey, don't get us into trouble.
Keep it sad.

Here's my favorite.

You know you can type in
an address on Google,

and a picture will come up?

Well,
there's this special car

that drives around,
it's got this big camera thing

on top of it, taking pictures
of each street.

Well, sometimes,
people see the car, chase it,

and do really weird stuff.

It'll end up on the site,

so check out
these two weirdos in Norway.

They dressed up like idiots

and ran behind the car.

Are they wearing
scuba gear?

Yeah, like,
holding pitchforks.

- It's funny, right?
- So funny.

Yeah, my brother
sent this to me, like,

the day before his accident.

My big brother...

Skiing...
He's in a coma.

His brain's,
like, gone.

Uh... I've got some other stuff
in here that's pretty funny.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, with the time
we have left,

I would like to hear
from some of you.

Ryan?

What were your three words?

Excuse me?

Your three words.
The exercise.

- My three?
- Mm-hmm, with Owen.

Our three?

Okay. Okay.

Well, the... the first word,

it's, uh, me and Owen,
so it's pretty obvious

what that's gonna be.

I'm not gonna bore you
with that one.

The second word,

that may surprise you.

It's "pineapple."

Rather not say why.

Ryan, do you respect
what we're doing here?

Eh, doesn't matter
what I think.

Yes, it does.

It's safe space.

Please tell us.

All right, I think
this is all kind of dumb.

The talking,
the wallowing...

It keeps you from getting on
with your life.

Look,

the Boston Red Sox
hadn't won a championship

in 86 years.

People spent
their entire lives

obsessing over
the past season,

moaning about the curse.

By 2004,
they figured it out.

They didn't need to wallow,

they needed to hire
Theo Epstein,

take a bunch of steroids,
and win.

Anne.

You're a cool,
very angry lady.

Does all the talking help?

Why not try boxing?

When was the last time
you hit someone?

- It's been a while.
- Exactly.

Danny,
you got screwed over,

but you're
a good-looking guy.

When was the last time
you had sex with a woman?

And was she,
by any chance, black?

Don't help me.
Just don't.

I'm just saying,
enough talk.

Go do something!

And with that,
we should all go do something.

This is the end
of our session.

I'll see you all next week.
Be well.

Ms. Lauren,
you forgot to sign my sheet!

Sorry,
can't sign that.

Hello, hi,
how are you?

Please sign my thing.
I need to get back to work.

I see your needs
differently.

You must get it out.

"Grief must be witnessed
to be healed."

It's Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

"Sign my thing."

Okay, Ryan, there is something
growing inside of you,

and if you don't handle it,
it's gonna come out,

probably violently
and at the worst possible time.

You will, quite simply,
explode.

Look, I'm sure
you know your stuff.

You're, like, what,
a licensed therapist?

- But even so...
- I'm not, actually.

Oh.

Okay, fine.

But you're qualified
for the work though, right?

You've been through
some big life change yourself?

My personal experience
is not really the issue here,

so...
See you next week.

And you're in my car.

- I'm in your car.
- Mm-hmm.

What exactly qualifies you

to tell people anything?

I have been involved
in outreach

and self-realization
for almost a decade.

That sounds almost
as meaningless as "transitions,"

a group for mind,
for life change,

and the journey
of the wonderment...

Stop adding things.

- Of wondering.
- Stop it.

I have led groups,

and I have helped
thousands of people

in a well-renowned,
international outreach program.

- Called?
- Wh...?

- Huh?
- Hmm?

Lauren.

Weight watchers.

Are you serious?

This is the person that's gonna
tell me how to get through my loss?

You have no training,

and the only thing
that you yourself

have ever lost
is 30 pounds.

40 pounds!
And I kept it off!

Oh, yeah, it's good.

Hmm.

They flew me places
to give speeches.

I was consulted

when they changed
the points program.

No points for fruit.
That was me.

That was you.

But I wanted
to spread my wings

and help all different kinds
of people,

and now I do.

Okay, I know
what they need.

I am great with people.

I have a gift!

Mm hmm.

You've done wonders
with the kid

with the brother
in a coma.

Wait, Ryan.

Do you mean Owen?

Did he talk to you
about his brother?

Yeah.

That's huge!

He has been coming here
for two months.

He hasn't said anything.

Hmm.

Has he lost any weight?

Oh, it is so easy
to mock me

and what we do here.

You know what's hard,

what takes courage?
Opening up.

I would sign your thing
if you had shared

one little bit of information
about your loss...

Your wife's name,
how you met her,

- how you lost her.
- All right, fine, fine!

You need me to talk?
I'll talk.

She got this blood disease,

Salamone's.

One day she was sick,

and the next day
she was gone.

She's the only girl
I ever loved,

and now she's gone.

Look, I'm sure
what you do

is right
for some people,

but for me, I need
to get back to my life.

Please,
just sign my sheet.

You can say that I did
all ten sessions.

I believe
you want to help,

so please, help.

Okay.

You're done.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

That was brave.

Eh, it wasn't brave.

It was.

It wasn't...

True.

Which part?

The whole thing.
I made it up.

Salamone's
isn't a disease.

It's a restaurant
right over there.

I keyser soze'd you.

I really need
to get back to work.

Whoa.

Okay.

Take care, Ryan.

Hey,
I'm doing you a favor.

You don't want
a guy who does that

in your group.

You're a very nice lady!

I'm gonna send you
all my sad friends!

Well, listen, Terrell,

I want to talk to you about your time

in the indoor
football league.

Can you stick around?

Just don't ask me

which one
of my teammates are ugly.

All right, well, where we'll
return, Terrell Owens will discuss

which one of his teammates

he finds to be
the most attractive.

Great segment, buddy.
Hey, thanks for having me.

- We're clear.
- It's good to be back.

What have you got there?

Uh, flowers, baskets.

Things people sent you
that you wouldn't want.

Well,
great first day back.

- You were unbelievable.
- Thank you.

No, I mean,
say that to me.

Right.

So good, I promise.

You think so?

Hey! Hey!

- Better than last...
- Hey!

Whoa!

Idiot! You!

- Wait a...
- Terrell!

Get off your phone!

Stop it!

Dude, is this a joke?

- Are you crazy?
- Stop texting!

You're gonna k*ll someone!

I know exactly
who I'm gonna k*ll.

Oh, oh,
you gonna hit me?

Be careful!

You might get thrown out

of the indoor unemployment

bunny rabbit league!

Come on,
you want some of this?

Come on, I...
What are you doing?

How strong are you?

Let me go!
Stop it, I'm all right.

I'm all right.

Throwing oranges at the car!
This ain't the freeway!

- Hey! Hey!
- What is wrong with you?

He is football player!

Okay,
I only got one holder.

That's really insulting.

That's a shameful waste
of fruit.

You, uh, you okay?

You just kind of exploded.

Every night,
the same telemarketer calls,

asks for Patricia.

I'm sorry,
she's still dead,

but be sure and check back
tomorrow night.

God.

I'm here.

Sorry I'm late.

I know, rule nine.

I'll... I'll get better.

Oh, thanks, Danny.

I'm surprised
to see you.

It was a car accident.

She was texting.

Janie, that was...

That's her name.

She was driving,
not fast,

but at that moment...
and it couldn't wait...

She needed to tell me
to buy a bag of coffee,

so at least
it was important.

She ran a stop sign.

The guy was coming.

And that was it.

She was the only girl
I ever loved.

That part was true.

I don't know
how to do this.

You're doing fine.

She was...

I know we're not
supposed to interrupt...

Rule seven...

But is it okay
if I interrupt myself?

Owen.

Check out the car
at the light.

No interrupting
is rule ten, actua...

What's going on?

Hey!

Google man!

Arr!

Hello?

Ryan, we were kind of in
the middle of a session.

Totally hear you, but we're
doing some good work here.

Very healthy.

I'm afraid
this could take a while,

such is the magnitude
of the progress.

It's just that these people
would really like their stuff...

Okay, gotta go.

Ryan?
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