01x13 - Gooooaaaallll Doll!

[bunniefuu]

- Apologise to me, good bye.
- Good bye.

Carrie, not another
real housewivesshow.

Let me show you
how this is gonna end.

"I thought
we were friends."

"At least my husband
still has money!"

Drink in the face,
drink in the face.

"I love you, bitch."

There, saved you an hour.
Go vote.

You know,
every day, I watch,

and every day, you hover
and you make your jokes.

I think you like it.

I like stupid girl stuff.

When I got married,

I got introduced
to a world of reality TV,

fun music, and pink drinks,
and it was better,

and I got a free pass, because
my wife was "forcing me."

What? No,
you love guy stuff.

Take a look
at my iPod,

and not the decoy
with all the Zeppelin,

the real one.

That is
a lot of Katy Perry.

I don't want to just
hang with guys.

They're gross, and hairy,
and they don't understand

that sometimes,
you have to dance

with your hands
over your head.

Ryan, would you like to be
my girlfriend?

I thought
you'd never ask.

Well,
why don't you just ask her?

Why are they so bitter?

Why?
Frickin' jealousy!

- I like this.
- Mmm. All right, ready?

- That's not bad.
- Yeah, that's pretty good.

Seen some of the stuff
written about you...

Carrie.
You and your reality shows.

Our reality shows.
And we like the same music.

And I'm sending out
for froyo.

Who wants some?

- Yeah, sure.
- Froyo for me!

- I'm down for some.
- Yeah!

- I'd like some.
- That's what I thought.

Okay, everyone, let's deal,
let's feel, let's heal.

Sweetie, I love you,
but don't ever

say any of that again.
All of that stinks.

Look what Yolanda brought

to start
your new year off right.

It's a Japanese
goal-setting doll.

I've seen those.
You write a goal in

on the bottom
and paint in an eye.

Then the doll watches you
and makes you feel guilty

until
you achieve the goal.

Then when you do,
you can fill in the other eye.

My angry grandmother in Tokyo
sends them by the crateload.

She writes the goals in
for me in Japanese.

"Find a man."
"Be taller."

This one
is kind of idiomatic,

but it basically says,
"stop sucking."

- Can I have that one?
- Yeah.

This doll helped me
get a better job.

Starting tomorrow,
I'm heading up

the anesthesiology department
at St. Michael's.

- That's where I work!
- That's so nice.

It's so great
that I'll have a friend.

I don't want to say no,
but I run with Dr. Grimes

and his crew, so the bar
for cool is pretty high.

I'm gonna write in
"get first date over with."

I really miss
being out with a woman.

I've been hanging out a lot
with Carrie,

but just as girlfriends.

I really want
something real.

Plus, our cycles
are starting to sync up,

and we can get
pretty bitchy.

Tell us about it.

I need all the help I can get.
I feel like I'm in junior high.

All I want to do is
be alone with a woman,

but the thought of it
just fills me with dread.

It's not going to be
like junior high.

It's not even gonna be
like when you met Janie.

You're
a different person now.

The challenge is going to be
finding the right woman for you.

I think
she means herself.

Engagement ring
not same as wedding ring.

What is your type,
King?

You know who's pretty?
Rachel McAdams.

She's great.

I saw her on Jon Stewart.
She's interesting.

She could have been quicker
with the comic banter.

Also a little skinny.
I like an inviting bosom.

I like
where this is going.

"Funnier Rachel McAdams
with bigger boobs."

I'm sorry, is this
where we're setting his bar?

The prettiest movie star
in the world,

but funnier and stacked?
I just feel like

we should be be discussing
some more realistic options.

You have someone in mind?
Maybe yourself?

You all think it.

I say it. Boom!

No leave hanging.

Welcome back.
If you're just joining,

we are here with 18 million-time
olympic gold medalist,

inventor
of the skateboard,

Mr. Shaun White.

Now, you will be competing
in Sochi, Russia, in 2014.

Let's talk about tha...

Shaun, Russia.

Well, y...

Russ... it's a p...
The place...

Guys? Guys.

Cut to commercial.

Ryan,
hold it together, man.

Really? Just me?
Nothing for Shaun?

Shaun,
dig your whole thing.

Not just your athleticism,
but your spirit.

Thank you for letting me
experience you, man.

Sorry about earlier.
Carrie doesn't usually

have friends
who are that attractive,

and I got this whole
"goal doll" situation,

and I promised
I'd start dating again.

You have
a goal doll too?

Dude, this other eye
doesn't get filled in

until I finish
my medieval fantasy novel.

I know, I owe you
20 pages today.

Yeah, well, if you wouldn't
mind backing off.

I can't compete
against that mane,

and the way you shook it out
for her earlier.

Ryan, this is
my friend, Hannah.

Hello.
Nice to meet you.

She is interested
in the radio business.

Well, hello,
Hannah.

Here's a tip
for aspiring broadcasters,

you gotta find the pressure
point in every word,

and unlock its magic.

See, the pressure point
in the word, "word,"

is the "er" part.

"Wor-rd. Wor-rd."
You try it.

Word.

That was crazy.
I think

we all witnessed something
very special here today.

And this is
Shaun white.

Hey, I'm just honored
to be here with Ryan King.

By the way,

thank you for those
snowboard tips you gave me.

Yeah.
I just thought,

if you went up
just a little higher

when you flipped,
it'd be radder.

I'm gonna show you
the rest of the office.

Yeah, okay.

What the hell
was that?

I thought you said
you would let me have it.

Did I do the hair thing again?
Sorry, man. Reflex.

You just did it
for me.

I like you, man.
I don't know what to tell you.

- So...
- Yay!

Hannah,
is she single?

Because I think
she might have been maybe...

I think, yeah,
a little into me.

That's how
she makes everybody feel.

It's how she gets
everything she wants.

Hello, Kitty.

What is that?

You know,
'cause she's being Catty.

It's like "meow,"
but fresh.

I am not being ca.

It's just complicated
to be her friend, okay?

She wins at everything
and sometimes,

I don't like myself
when I'm around her.

Yeah,
I totally get that.

Steven, you know
our friend that we hate

because he makes us
feel bad about ourselves?

- No.
- Right, guys don't do that,

- because it's deranged.
- Fine.

But you have been warned.

When you get
your heart broken,

I will be on call for
sad girl music and ice cream.

Not gonna
get my heart broken,

but can we just
do that tonight anyway?

- Yeah.
- Great.

Hey, listen, I was just joking
about that whole "meow" thing,

but... meow?

Okay, you honestly think
that I'm jealous of Hannah?

Why, 'cause she's perfect
and beautiful,

and has taken every guy
I've ever wanted from me?

Wait, is Ryan
one of those guys?

I don't know,
am I a lady brontosaurus?

What?

Because he's a dinosaur.

He's old,
like a dinosaur.

- It's not strong.
- Yeah.

I'm so wound up.
What if nobody likes me?

I always get pigeonholed
as this nerdy,

type "A"
stick-in-the-mud.

I bet that's only because
you're boring and uptight.

- Yeah.
- But now...

You can reinvent
yourself.

We need to come up with a fun,
exciting persona for you.

How about
"slutty party girl"?

Yes! Anesthesiologists
work with dr*gs.

And I have
party dresses,

really racy ones
from Laura Ashley.

- Hey, Dr. Grimes.
- Hey, Sonia.

This is the legendary
Dr. Yolanda Mitsawa.

- Can you believe she's sober?
- What?

Do you want me to cr*ck an egg
in that drink?

Classic hangover cure.

Yeah!

Nice.
I like it.

That was
legit party girl.

And I'm waiting to hear back
about a job

on a film
that sh**t in Milan.

Ryan, are you okay?

Is our table
about to crash?

I'm sorry.

I'm just so nervous.
You're so beautiful.

And when I get nervous,
I spill stuff,

and I try to sound smart,
and use big words,

like "bartinous,"

and I'll talk about
how bartinous the wine is.

"Bartinous"
is not a word.

Great,
so you're some crazy genius.

I don't stand a chance.

Well, maybe
this crazy genius

finds your nervousness
to be cute.

I don't even care.

And she kissed me,
and then I kissed her, and then,

when she wasn't looking,
I drew in the goal doll's eye.

Congratulations, Ryan.

Looks like all the hard work
you've done here in group...

Screw the group.
Goal doll did it.

Yeah, in one week
at my new job,

I've totally changed my image.
I'm an incorrigible party girl.

Hey, that's my stash.
What's the hospital gonna use?

Put three cubes of sugar
in there,

or as many men
as I've been with.

Today.

Okay, you're gonna
start to feel drowsy.

Anybody else
want a drag?

That is one classic
anesthesiologist.

We are crushing it,
thanks to goal doll.

Okay, guys,

I think we're giving a little
too much credit to the doll.

What did she write
on the bottom of hers,

"be jealous
of goal doll?"

Ho

Yes! After
all these months of group,

I finally
stood up to Hector.

I'm a new man,

and I owe it all to Lauren.
Thanks, Danny.

For introducing me to someone
who knew about goal doll!

- Yeah.
- Ha.

Go, goal doll. Go, goal doll.

Good, you've added drumming
to the chanting. That is new.

My goal was to find a new way
to express group excitement.

Go, goal doll, get busy,
life's better... with goal doll.

Everybody's drumming.

That's so fun.

There. Now,
you are all ready

for your fancy
broadcasters' dinner.

Hey,
Hannah just dumped me.

What?

"I like you,
but it's too intense.

Thanks for the memories.
Sad face."

She actually spelled the words,
"sad face."

What is that, irony?
This generation!

It can't just be
a breakup.

It has to be
their take on a breakup.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I guess so.

I just... I don't get it.
I thought it was going great.

Yeah, it's just
what she does.

I mean, if it makes you
feel any better,

she did the exact same thing
to my friend, Bennett.

Thanks, Carrie. There I was,
feeling bad about myself,

but then you dropped
the "Bennett" b*mb.

I mean, if it can happen
to "Bennett,"

it can happen
to anyone.

All right.

I can't face
this party alone.

You won't go alone.
I'll be your date.

"Thanks, Carrie!
Yeah, that's an upgrade!"

Hi, Lauren.

The rest of the group
decided to take the day off

to celebrate
goal achievement.

Man, I have worked
with you guys for years.

One week with these dolls,
and you're all...

You're wondering
if what you do matters?

Your work
has transformed me.

I am now a more grounded,
controlled...

We're dressing up
in costumes?

No one
go anywhere!

Look at you.

Are you okay?

Hannah dumped me...

And according to Twitter,

she is now out on a date
with Shaun White,

and I have to go
to a fancy party

with Carrie
as my pity date.

So you were feeling dread
about dating,

it went as bad
as it possibly could.

How do you feel?

You know what's weird?
I don't feel that bad.

Everything you've gone through
in the past year

has helped you build up
a certain emotional armor.

Yeah, I guess
there's something empowering

about having some absolutely
horrible thing happen to you.

I feel stronger,
less fear.

You know, I've always
seen similarities

between me
and Bruce Wayne.

This is the first time
I've felt like Batman.

What do you think Batman
would do if he got dumped?

Make the night
taste cold justice.

Ryan.

He'd go get the girl.

All right,
we're thinking

Officer and a Gentleman.

Let's do this.

Put me down. I'm Batman.
I'm Batman.

My godness, is amazing!

Hello, Hannah.

Extremely likeable
Nemesis.

I'm here to pick you up
for our date.

Didn't you get
my text?

I did, but I'm not
accepting it.

Shaun is cool, and I get
why you and every single woman

in this restaurant
would want to be with him,

but you and I
have something special.

I know you feel that,
and I feel it,

and I'm sure even "animal"
over there can feel it.

- I kinda can.
- Thanks, man.

So it's your call.
You can stay here,

or you can come with me and be
part of something special.

Going up against me,

with no gold medals
and brown hair.

That takes "yaitz."

That's Russian
for cojones.

The next Olympics is there,
so I'm picking it up.

So, Hannah...

What's it gonna be?

I hate to be rude.

It's okay.
Go have fun.

Sorry.

I'm Batman.

Dr. Mitsawa?

Who are you,
her dealer?

What do you got,
weed or speed?

I'm Ed Davis

with human resources.

Did I forget
to fill out some paperwork?

Here's my signature
for your file.

I saw Betty Boop do that.
It's pretty hot.

Dr. Mitsawa,
there are concerns

about your health
and competence.

Please report to my office
for a drug test.

- What do I do?
- Refuse.

If you take a drug test and come out clean,
it ruins your rep.

Don't, and the worst
thing that happens

is someone in authority
disapproves of you.

Mr. Davis, wait!
I'm a good girl!

I did smell pot once
at a Dave Matthews concert,

but I blew my nose
for 15 minutes!

Gotta say, I love entering
a room with a beautiful woman.

Just wish I could find one.

And I like
this bold Ryan.

You didn't strike me
as a "show up and steal a girl

from a gold medalist"
type.

Who knows
what type I am?

With fearless Ryan,
the possibilities are endless.

Am I a dipping guy?

Old Ryan wasn't,
but so what?

He was also
a picky eater.

Now, watch this,
the no-look eat.

Old Ryan wasn't all wrong.
I hate this.

Carrie,
you look amazing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I feel weird,

but I wanted to look good
for Ryan, so...

Who's the skank?

Are you threatened
by my appearance?

That's so nice,
thank you!

There's Ryan.
I gotta go.

See you.

- Hey, date.
Good news:

You are out
with a skank tonight.

- Right, Carrie. You look...
- Hey, Carrie.

What are you doing here?

Carrie took pity on me and
was gonna be my date tonight...

But Hannah's here, so...

Unless feel like hanging out,
doing some assisting...

Yeah...
Okay, sure.

Great.

So where did we land?
Am I a guy who dips?

Yeah, yeah, I think you are.
I think I am too.

Last night was incredible.
I swept Hannah off her feet.

I dipped, I did a no-look eat,
like this...

That's a meat
I am not familiar with.

- It's goat.
- Check out how great we look.

And you deserve
all the credit.

Not a goal doll, you.
You're amazing.

Ryan, is there
a problem with Carrie?

She looks
really upset.

I don't know,
I guess so.

Boy, all this beauty,

and your eye
goes right to the problem.

Did you not cancel
with Carrie?

You just showed up
with Hannah?

That poor girl
got all dressed up.

Is that
one of those up-dos?

Those things
take forever.

You know when I said
you were "amazing"?

I meant
"not amazing."

Where's my goal doll?

She'll understand.
She'll want to look at Hannah.

Ryan, I'm really glad
that you're feeling stronger,

but this emotional armor
that you're building up,

you have to be careful
that it doesn't render you

numb to the feelings
of those around you.

Lauren's
hitting a groove.

Pay attention, goal doll,
you have not seen her like this.

Seriously?
You won't even talk to me?

Sorry, I need
to get to my loss group,

to mourn the passing
of a friend... cool Yolanda.

Now, I'm stuck
with you, her m*rder*r.

Firm gong hit.
Here comes an insight.

None of you
need to try and be cool.

You are all perfect
just the way you are.

I feel that Fausta could do
a little work on her ego.

You have the entire world
to tear you down,

to act like a mean girl
in junior high.

Yeah, why are girls
so mean to each other?

Big words,
coming from another mean girl.

Socko!

I love it
when there's a unifying theme.

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Ryan,

how would you characterize
your behavior with Carrie?

It wasn't great,
it was like...

Like that
of a 15-year-old girl?

Perhaps not unlike star
of mean girls, Rachel McAdams?

No way!

My God,
she brought it all together.

You are gonna accept
your friend for who she is,

and you will make things right
with Carrie,

and now, just because I can...
Danny, come on,

put your hand up.
Put up that goal doll. Higher.

Hee-ya!

Yeah! Yeah.

Hey, I owe you an apology.

I was an unbelievable jerk.

You've been there
every step of the way for me,

and as soon as I have
even the possibility

of somebody new in my life,
I just toss you aside.

I never
tell you this,

but you're a really
special person to me,

and from now on,
I'm gonna treat you that way.

Okay?

Must've been hard
for Janie to stay mad at you.

Yeah. She couldn't.
I got away with some stuff.

And here, from girlfriend
to girlfriend.

These are

the ridiculously overpriced
snuggly slippers I wanted.

Yeah, they are.

It's a good start,
but it's not enough.

I got dressed up for you.
You owe me a great night.

That's gonna happen tonight,
and you're gonna put on a tux.

I was expecting
a little more gratitude,

but this is good too.

Hello, new Ryan.
I hope you're ready,

'cause I'm in the mood
to get dipped.

Hannah,
I had to cancel our date.

Didn't you
get my text?

I did, but like you,
I'm not accepting it.

I could see
why that worked.

That is really
attractive.

Could I get
a rain check?

No, I got that job.

I leave for Milan
in the morning,

so I have
just a few hours,

and I'd like to spend them
in your bedroom.

It's been awhile for me.
Just to be clear,

would I also be in the bedroom
in this scenario?

You would, Ryan. Si.

Voglio passare la notte con te,
carino.

I can speak
sexy language too.

Kleinzoon. Laars.
Rundergebraad.

My grandma was Dutch.

I just said
"hey, grandson,

there's too much roast beef
in my boots."

Well, that's good, because
I'm a big fan of the Dutch.

Thanks,
this is a great night.

Yeah.

Is that lipstick?

Yeah.

Had to get out of some plans
with Hannah tonight.

So you chose me
over Hannah?

Yeah, I did.

That's a first.
Feels good!

Yeah, you're pretty
competitive with Hannah,

aren't you?
Yeah.

You know,
you're not gonna believe this,

but I was actually feeling
so competitive with her

that I started to think
that I had feelings for you.

Sorry.

Yeah, you're laughing
pretty hard over there.

I mean, can you imagine?
You're so old!

I wasn't even born when
return of the Jedi came out.

You and me.

It's crazy.

You're old.
Yeah. Yeah, I am. Ancient.

Thanks.

Nice.

Yeah,
these are women's size 14...

Old woman's size 14. I got 'em
at the ancient woman's shop.

If I die in the next
six months, I get a refund.

We're trying
to be nice now.

We could rekindle our friendship
on this trip.

Carrie, they're friends again.
That's so us.

This is very hard to eat
with no teeth.

Yeah, your denture is out in the glass
back there.