01x20 - Matchup Problems

[bunniefuu]

What the...

Please don't
call attention to it.

I hate this dress.

And my parents
made me wear these.

So we finally have license
to be sexy in here.

Hey, Anne...

- Still gay?
- Ugh.

They want to marry me
off, and they feel

my window of opportunity is closing.

I just came
to say good-bye.

They're waiting to drive me
to a singles cruise

for Asian Christians.

I'll save you the trip.

I'm in the market
for wife number five.

I'll make you
Queen George the Fifth.

I mamake them all
call me King George.

You'll get used to it.

Yolanda, your parents
are way off base.

Something as superficial
as big breasts

might appeal to certain men,
but not the kind you want.

Yolanda, did you do something
different with your hair?

How come I never
sit next to Yolanda?

We should hang out sometime,
just the two of us.

Switch seats with me.
Switch seats with me.

She's wearing cutlets, Ryan.

Fake boobs.

Switch back.
Switch back.

I wish my parents
would send me on a cruise.

I'm constantly struggling
to find Mr. right,

and all I ever
get from them is...

I'm sorry, I told you
they were deaf, right?

No.
It did not come up.

You know, it's really hard
to meet someone new.

We should take help
wherever we can get it.

It's interesting that you
should mention that, King.

I met a lady that I think
would be perfect for you.

She's smart, she's attractive,
she's damn sexy.

The only wild card is

I don't know
if she likes dummies.

Well, why don't you
let me determinize that.

Oh, I gotta go.
Who's got my boobs?

Pay attention to me.

I have to say,
I like you better now.

So this is the one.

The pain I live with every day.

Oh, come on.

You don't feel
that way about her.

- Wasn't talking to you.
- I see.

Listen, I really appreciate
you including me

in your private moment and all,

but weren't you going
to set me up with a girl?

Are we going to get coffee?

There she is.
Let's go talk to her.

- What? In a cemetery?
- Yeah.

She's a widow.
You have a lot in common.

You want me to hit
on her on the grass

that used to be her husband?

This is awkward.
She agreed to this?

Uh, she doesn't know about you.

Why not?

In person, King,
this all works.

But when I'm forced
to describe you, honestly,

it sounds like
I'm insulting you.

She is really hot.
You know what?

Maybe I should...I should go up
to her loaded with a joke.

- How did her husband die?
- Bad area.

Come on,
you'll think of something.

Then Jessica and Harvey
don't know if they have

enough votes to win back
control over hardman,

but at the last minute,
Louis shows up...

- Hi, Anne.
- Hi.

I'm just telling Trevor about
the last episode of Suits.

Ah, it was their favorite show.

- Are you into Suits?
- I don't watch much tv.

Oh, what are you, one of
those Mad Men snobs?

Ugh! Suits in the '60s,
that's what that is.

It's not going well.
Fix it, fix it.

Talia, this is Ryan.
He's a widower.

Aw.
When did you lose your wife?

Oh, uh, April.

May.
My grief's a gemini.

Oh, that's fun.

You've taken something
that's usually for alive things.

- Yeah.
- That's a nice stone.

I see you went with the granite
with the matte finish.

I went with
the honed alabaster.

Ooh, somebody's doing well.

Well, spend it
while you got it.

Can't take it with you.
He certainly didn't.

There it is.

Everyone dances around it.
You don't.

I love that.
- Oh, yeah.

He's probably like,
"oh, I can walk through walls..."

- don't love the ghost stuff.
- Oh, okay.

Well, you seem really cool.

We should...
we should hang out sometime.

Oh, you mean you, me, and Anne?

Yeah, you, me, and Anne.

Great.

What the hell was that?

Why didn't you tell her
you meant the two of you?

I was scared.
She's very pretty

and she could have said no.

This way, you can come,
take the pressure off

and help sell me.

Damn it, King,
what is this, junior high?

Am I gonna have to unhook
her bra for you too?

Back off, I'm tired
of your sexual bullying.

Fine, I'll go on one date.

But if you close,
I want details.

About her, not you.

So sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss.

You're a (Bleep)ing mess,
you know that?

Patty is so lucky she's dead.

- So is it a date or not?
- We don't know.

I'm gonna go as king's wingman
to talk him up,

but as soon as she gives him
the signals, I'm out.

What kind of signals?

Subtle ones that say
she's interested,

like when you approach
a woman on the street

and she starts
blowing a whistle.

That whistle is saying,

"look, everyone.
Look who I like."

- No.
- Mm-mm.

It'll be little things.

She'll touch your arm.
She'll toss her hair.

She'll show you
the side of her neck.

It's the way women and
cats invite intimacy.

So has anyone
heard from Yolanda?

How is the singles cruise going?

It's not going so great.
I could use a pep talk.

Sonia, can you move me
to the left?

I'm having a little
trouble seeing.

Oh, I'm sorry,
are there small limits

to your vision
that are irritating?

Just before group,
I sat on Ryan in the toilet.

I thought we weren't
telling anybody about that.

I haven't met anyone.
I'm going back to my room.

No, no, no!

Yolanda, I want you to go
out there and meet a guy.

Now, we're gonna help you.

Let's see what
you got out there.

Hey, this is fun.
Let's objectify men.

- Uh, dumb.
- Okay.

- Cheap.

- He's cute.
- Ah, I've got a hunch.

Hey, buddy,
where'd you get that drink?

My beer? I got it at the bar.

- Mm-mm.
- Boston. Blech!

There he is.
The one in purple.

That's my kind of guy.

Okay, Yolanda,

avoid him and then report
him to the captain.

- Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh.
- Ooh, look at the waitress.

- Ooh, yeah.
- That one.

I like the hat guy on the left,

but I'm not gonna just
walk up to two guys.

Okay, you know what?
I'll do it with you.

Let's do this.

Hi, I'm Yolanda,
and this is Lauren.

-I'm Russ.
This is Glen.

Great cruise.

You gotta get on a boat
to get a catch like yolanda.

- Yeah?

Well, where do I have to go
to get a catch like you?

What? Me?

Wow, one compliment
and she's giving him cat neck.

Yolanda and I couldn't help
but notice you guys

from across the room.

Just one guy now.
Glen left.

He said I seemed
sexually repressed,

and I confirmed
that was the case.

It didn't feel healthy to start
a relationship with a lie.

I work out.
You want to feel?

Ooh, so strong.

Hey, check out these calves.

Wow.

What's happening?

Thank you.

Oh, can we
get a round of sh*ts?

You're looking
at the happy hour menu,

and it ended seven minutes ago.

Oh, the other hours
of my life aren't happy.

Why should this
be any different?

I'm a widow.
I just lost my husband.

And they both lost their wives.

We're just...
we're trying to forget.

A round of full-priced drinks
is fine.

I am so sorry.

You know, the drinks are on us.

And some free buffalo wings?

Wow. You are really
playing that card, huh?

Haven't we been through enough?

Don't we deserve things?

We have been through a lot,

and Ryan has really
been there for me.

I know, he looks
like such a tough guy,

but he's really been
a shoulder for me to cry on.

Actually, we both cry.
I start crying, then he cries.

- I don't cry that much.
- Yes, you do. It's nonstop.

- I hardly ever cry.
- I like a sensitive guy.

I cry all the time.
I'm almost always crying.

That's me,
just a sensitive crier

who drives a Porsche.
- Mm.

Sorry, when I get nervous,
I tend to brag.

I've been doing that since
I started making six figures.

I make six figures.

You know what?
When I get nervous,

I brag about having won
star search for my rapping.

Well, actually, I just lie about
having won star search

for my rapping.

I'm a rapper.

I like you.
I like her.

Yeah?

Oh, thank you.

Could we also get some
bleu cheese dressing?

Oh, we just ran out.

Oh, I really wanted
bleu cheese.

Oh, that's okay,
there's a whole foods

right down the street.

I'll go get you some.

My wife used to love
whole foods.

I'll get the dressing.

While you're at it,

my motherless children
need some milk!

- See what I'm talking about?
- Yeah.

- Here we go.
Ahh.

You know, a lot
of celebrities come here.

You just gotta be good
at spotting them.

I got a great eye for it.

- Morgan Freeman.
- That's a white guy.

- John Entwistle from The Who.
- He's dead.

- Suzanne Somers.
- That's a chair.

Agree to disagree.

Oh, yeah.
I think I ought to be going now.

- What? No!

I haven't even heard
what your special talents are.

You know, Anne,
I am so glad we met.

And Ryan,
don't you go anywhere.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.
Is she hitting on me?

I got the neck,
you got the neck.

I got the arm, you got the arm.

I got, "I'm so glad I met you."

You got the wink.

Well, the wink
is definitely better.

Did you see the eye contact on,

"I'm so glad we met?"

Am I still wearing clothes?
Because I don't mean to be.

She can't be hitting
on both of us.

- She had a husband.
- So did I.

I made a mistake.
I rectified it.

We do that.

She's coming back.
Play it cool. Play it cool!

- Right, okay.
- Hey.

All right.
I ordered us some more sh*ts.

Which one of us
are you hitting on?

- What? That's not cool.
- We're not cool.

Oh, right.

You gave us both the
neck, what the hell?

To be honest,
I was hitting on both of you.

I really didn't think
you were catching on.

I almost had to resort
to my sexy lip smack,

which I haven't really
gotten down yet.

- Oh, no, that's not ready.
- Oh, yeah, that's not so good.

So both of us?

What you're saying
is you're interested in

some kind of together thing?

Because if that's
what you're saying,

- we could probably...
- No!

No, yeah.
That is sick.

I mean, for some people,
that may be, like,

a lifetime fantasy,
but not for me.

Everyone responds
differently to loss.

Some people try to recreate
what they had,

but you could spend
your whole life doing that.

I want to experience
something different, you know?

I want to explore.

Well, these are the only words
I can think of

to say right now.

I don't want both of you.

And I don't know
which one of you

is going to be the direction
life takes me.

I'm going to be here
tomorrow night.

And if you're interested,
either one of you,

join me.

Wha?

For the record,
you're a terrible wingman.

Okay, let's dive in.

Who has a problem that'd like to discuss?

I have a problem.

I can't stop thinking
about your eyes.

What are you doing
on yolanda's computer?

And you need a new line.
You used that one last night.

This guy...
it's like when tomcats

used to come around
Cinderella in heat.

I know how to deal with this.

Get!

Get!

Lauren, what the hell
are you doing?

Nothing. I'm just chatting
with my new friend.

You're flirting,
and it's wrong.

You're getting married
to a great guy,

and I'm not gonna
watch you risk that

by prancing around like a...

I'm sorry.
That was my mother talking.

Sonia is right.
Flirting is bad.

Even the word itself,
it's evil.

Let's break it down.

"Flarting."

"F- L"
Florida, bad place.

- "A-R"...
- Fausta, dear.

The power of your ideas
is somewhat diminished

in the written form.

And what I'm doing is
totally innocent, you guys.

It's harmless.

Ryan, how was your date?

It was curious, Fausta.

Turns out Talia
asked Anne to come

because she's interested
in both of us.

No way!
I love Obama's America!

That's right,
she's choosing to see

the loss of her husband
as a chance

to expand her horizons

and open herself up
to new directions in life.

So you guys are competing
for this woman?

No, we decided not to.

Talia's great,
but we won't have anything

get in the way of our...

what is "flarting?"

It's something very bad
that Lauren does.

- Anne, what the hell?
- What?

Well, you're making
a play for Talia.

You're all tarted up.
You're betraying a trust.

Sorry, I woke up horny.

Look at your hair.
And your shoes.

And...
Are you wearing cutlets?

Oh, this is what I got, King.

I don't usually play to 'em,
but I got 'em.

Look, she's a great gal.
I felt a connection.

She's fair game.

If you want her, you gotta
step up and compete.

- I'm not afraid.
- You should be.

It's a dark time for men.

Women used to need us.
Now, they got options.

It's true.
We have no more value.

They don't need our strength.

They don't need us
to make babies.

They don't seem to enjoy
the glass ceilings

we put over them anymore.

Something needs to change.
Manhood is under att*ck.

We've become a nation
of chest-shaving,

magazine-reading,
pilates-doing, yogurt-eaters.

End it, Ryan,

before we become a bunch
of cosmo-drinking...

yeah, I got it.
No... no more lists.

Hey, on top of striking out
left and right,

I've been vomiting.

I think I'm seasick.

Or pregnant.

It's so funny,
because she never has a man.

Yolanda, talk to the guy
in the purple.

Trust me, I have
a good feeling about him.

Based on what?

He looks like
he tastes like grape soda.

I thought I was alone
because I work too hard

and I don't have time
to meet people.

I had 1,000 excuses.

But if I can't meet a guy

on an Asian Christian
singles cruise,

I might as well give up.

I'm calling it.
This cruise is over.

Time of death...

6:34.

It's funny.

Because she never has a man.

Wow, this is flattering.

I mean, I was hoping
maybe one of you would show up,

but both?

I feel nervous,
like I did right before

I won star search
for my rapping.

Oh, Talia.

Let's just hang out
and enjoy each other.

I don't want this
to be a competition.

No agendas.
- Agreed. No agendas.

No agenda.

Men.

- Since the dawn of time, men...
- Can it, king.

- Okay.
I'll rephrase.

In the words
of Harvey Specter...

- Who?
- From Suits.

What you didn't download
all the episodes

and watch them last night?

Okay, the appeal of men
is unassailable.

Their hairy backs,
their bad breath,

their zebra pants.

But women,
we have a few attributes.

Empathy.
Emotional intelligence.

Boobs.

So round one
goes to the ladies.

All right, enough about us.
Let's talk about you

and how you're the most
beautiful woman in the room.

I think she's the most
beautiful woman in the world.

I think she's
the most beautiful woman

in the history of existence,
human or animated.

I'm talking to you,
Jessica Rabbit.

Guys, I said I didn't
want this to be a competition.

And I was wrong!
Keep going.

You know what I find
so attractive?

Someone willing
to try something new.

Mm.

And you strike me as a lady...
excuse me, may I?

- Sure.
- A little something...

- Right there.
- Oh, my.

May I?

It works better
without potato skin grease.

- Oh, yeah.
- Moment's passed.

- Yeah.
- Full disclosure.

I've only been with one woman,

and that was in college.

We've gotten
a lot better since then.

Hey, listen, there's obviously
something between us

or Anne wouldn't have set us up
in the first place,

and I woke up
this morning smiling

for the first time
in a long time

because I knew
I was gonna see you.

Oh...

Let's go to the ladies' room.

Sure.

Mm.

I went last night.
There's couches in there.

- Thanks.

It's Russ, isn't it?
Don't pick up.

Oh, Sonia, relax.
It's innocent and fun.

It's like having
a fifth-grade boyfriend.

Hey, Russ.

- Hold on.
- Okay.

Oh, my God!

- What?
- It's his stuff.

Cover it!
- No!

You look at it.
You look at what you did!

Oh, you're right.

I was sending out signals
that invited that!

There is nothing innocent
about this.

I can't see you.
Are you getting naked?

- Ugh.
- Shut up, Russ!

Look, I know it's no excuse,

but when I was younger,
I never felt attractive,

and so I never really flirted.

Getting a little attention
felt like a thrill.

But Wyatt deserves better.

I'm gonna
go tell him everything.

- Good.
- No way!

- Are you crazy?
- I owe it to him.

Honesty is an essential part
of any intimate relationship.

Oh, sweetie,
you have never been married.

You need to choose what to tell
and what not to tell.

You'd only be telling him
to soothe your own guilt.

Unless you've been doing this
because you want to get out.

- Fausta.
- Hm?

I'm tired.

Do something physical
to make me seem emphatic.

Okay.

I don't normally do this,
but you were good. 13%.

Listen, buddy, I overheard
your competitive situation.

Me and the guys in the kitchen,
we're pulling for you.

- We need this.
- Okay.

Oh!

I am so sorry.

Well, Talia, good night.

Ryan, where are you going?

This has been fun,
but I don't have

another round in me,

and you either like me
or you don't,

and by now, you should know.

You're right.
I do like you, Ryan.

- And I want to leave with you.
- For reals?

- Based on what?
- Chemistry.

We have a real connection
between us,

emotionally and otherwise.

Yeah, I don't think
you should do that anymore.

Damn it!

I'm single now.
I need that move.

Well, we can come up
with some new moves, maybe.

Really?

Would you just excuse me
for one second?

Sure.

She picked me!
Ryan! Ryan!

Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!

Talia, I'm really glad
you chose me,

and you are worth fighting for.

- Mm.
- Mm.

And the reason
I didn't gloat inside

was because I was hoping
I'd see you out here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Uh, is this you?
- Fun, right?

Good night, Anne.
I'll see you at the cemetery.

See ya.
I'm sure you'll have fun, King.

Why are you being classy about this?

You're not classy.

When we were in the bathroom,
she invited me home.

I declined.

She's super-sexy and all,
but I got a vibe.

- What kind of vibe?
- Well...

Uh-oh.

Whoa!

Ooh.

Buckle up, man!

- Nice car.
- I know, right?

Aah!

Still getting the hang of it?

I haven't driven it before.
It's not mine.

Widows!

You know what
we should do right now?

Let's go get crazy!

Are we not already doing that?

Look, I understand,
in the wake of loss,

the desire
to take advantage of...

Red light!
Red light! Red light!

Oh, you need to know something.

I'm not ready
to be physically intimate yet.

Well, what the hell
are we doing then?

Cop! Cop! Cop!

Whoa!

It's fun being a free agent.

Lots of teams
throwing money at you.

It's a chance for a fresh start.
Whole new worlds open up.

I can't get arrested again.

Call me!

Okay, I'm not gonna do that.

- Widows!
- Oh, hi, officers!

This is a stolen car,
by the way.

You guys watch Suits?

Some guys jump
at the sexiest of her

for the quick ego boost.

You have to decide, are you
happy with where you are,

or is it time to make a move?

The smart ones approach
the big career decisions

with more caution.

Sometimes, when you decide
not to pull the trigger,

you end up dodging a b*llet.

Hi.

Oh, no.

Don't.

But thanks.

Okay.

So a male and a female officer

- picked her up...
- Yeah?

And instead of arresting her,

they're all going out
tomorrow night.

Oh, man!
That lady has got game.

Yeah.
So do you, by the way.

Yeah, that thing that you
think you have with women,

I actually have it.

That's nice.

Just for the record,
it was nice going out with you.

If you were a lady,
I would make you mine.

Okay, for the record,
I am off of set-ups.

Me too.

I'm off love altogether.

Never give up on love, yolanda.

- What?

- What are you doing here?
- Fixing you.

I boarded in Cancun because

I've decided to be
the bigger man in our feud.

Now, meet your perfect mate.

This is Evan.
He's a doctor,

a bit uptight but a kind soul.
You should talk to him.

You're pretty.
I am terrible at this.

I don't know why
I am dressed in purple.

My parents may be aware of this.

You don't need every
team to watch you.

Just the right one.

Wow!
(Cheering)

Tastes grapey, doesn't it?

- No... - Oh, all right,
I will fetch you another one.

Oh, but..
No.

Hey, come back with my husband!