01x02 - The Spectacular

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Crazy Ones". Aired: September 26, 2013 – April 17, 2014.*
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Loosely based on the life experiences of John R. Montgomery while he worked at Leo Burnett advertising in Chicago.
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01x02 - The Spectacular

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay, there you go.
That's it, now.

Now, give me sultry.

Not sulky, honey; sultry.

Sultry...
Is it possible

they don't know
what sultry means?

- They're models. They don't know
what anything means. - Okay.

Sell the coat.

Now let the coat sell you.

No, no, no.
Fabio, is it?

- Todd.
- Todd?

Could you step out
for a second?

Get in there and show him
how it's done, chief.

Okay, sure.
Thank you, thank you.

Here we go.

Yeah. I'm Zach.

Uh, we went out a month ago.

And it was so wonderful.

Okay, you ready?

You're out for a night
on the town.

You're feeling
confident and sexy.

Okay, remember, you're not

just selling clothing;

you're selling an attitude.
Now, go.

That's it. You're feeling
good about yourselves.

Oh, here comes a bus!
There it is! Good shock!

Now give me tigers.

Now baby tigers.

- What's happening? - I just wanted
to see what they would do.

Komiko, is it?

- Carly.
- Carly, I want to see

what happens if the dress is,
like, billowing in the wind.

So Zach's gonna twirl you out,

and then pull you back in
and dip you. Okay.

Should I get back in there?

Shh. No, no. Just wait.
Watch, learn.

Okay, twirl her out.

Pull her back in...
and dip.

Sweetie, just step out
real quick.

Let me show you, all right?

- Okay.
- Okay.

The trick is, look
him in the eyes,

seducing, at the
same time, teasing.

Remember, you're the prey,

and you're inviting
the hunt, like...

No, no, no.

And now you twirl
me, you brute!

Yes! And then
spin me around.

And then we go out,
and then back again!

And then over the
other side. Yes.

I'm a feather... borne on the
wind, lost in the clouds!

Komiko, eyes on me.

One time, and now spin,

spin, spin, spin!

I want you to do it like that.

d Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

d Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh d

d Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

d Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

d Oh, oh, oh

d Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- What floor?
- 22.

Hey, there he is.

Great work on that
Neiman sh**t yesterday.

Ah, it was a team effort.

Nice jacket.

Is that from the sh**t?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
it's from the sh**t.

Simon gave it to me.

Kind of a token
of a job well done.

We did it, buddy.
The team.

But why did you get the jacket?

Oh, hey, it's not a big deal,
you know.

The point is he's the
boss and he noticed us.

This jacket symbolizes
our success.

If I get a jacket,
it's like we both get a jacket.

But only you got a jacket.

Which fits you great.

I'm Zach, by the way.

- Mikaela.
- Hi.

Hi.

Team.

This is so unfair.

You know what it is?

It's your typical copywriter/
art guy dynamic.

You talk more in the meetings,
so you get all the credit.

He thinks that Simon

likes me better than him.

Zach att*ck!

Whoo-ooh!
Whoo-ooh!

Wah!
Wah!

Huh! Huh! Ooh!
Huh! Huh! Ooh!

Hi, Simon.

Hey, Andrew.
Um, Dad?

Hmm? A guy just delivered a box
of ducklings to your office.

They're here.
It's for my pro bono project.

You mean we're
not getting paid.

But I'm saying it in Latin
so it has a certain gravitas.

What's going on?
Remember Arrowhead Pond?

It was an environmental disaster
back in the '80s.

Terrible, awful, really.

Well, that pond
has been restored,

and I'm personally raising
these ducks

to be its very first residents.

Well, why are you
raising the ducks?

Because they can't take care
of themselves, sweetheart.

Why you?

Some people see me
as I am and ask why.

Can I get a straight answer?

No, but you can get a gay one...
because ducks are fabulous!

I say it like that because
Gay Brad is out today.

I suppose he's out
every day, really.

So you're telling me you're
raising ducks in the office?

Honey, the time for that
disapproving tone

is when I'm making
these poor decisions.

It's okay, Tesla.

They don't nest in trees.

Well, maybe he's an outlier.
They live in ponds.

Well, we don't have a pond.

He'll just have to make do.

Oh, and it seems like he did.

Did you look over
my coffee campaign?

It was brilliant,
it was perfect.

But if you were gonna tweak it?

I'd start again from scratch.

Here we go.

There's always room
to aim higher.

There was once was a man named
Michael, last name Angelo.

Michelangelo. Yes. And when
he was sculpting his David,

do you think he finished
the torso and went,

"Hey, va bene, tutti finito"?

Guessing not.

No, he slapped a penis
on that Adonis,

and the rest was history.
You know what I'm saying?

I need a penis?
That's my girl.

Sydney, there's magic in you.

I've known that since
the moment you were born.

I looked down and said,
"Oh, my God..."

"She's missing a penis."
But I still named you Sydney.

The campaign works.
Honey...

The focus groups like it.
Pumpkin...

Stop calling me food.
You're playing it safe.

And the best things in life come
from not playing it safe.

It's a good campaign.
Listen, I'd love

to argue with you,
but I think it's a lost cause.

Besides, I've gotta go finish
my Crest campaign

and chop up some worms
for my ducks.

Ciao, ragazza.

And then our guy walks outside.
Mm-hmm.

It's a bright sunny day,
the pretty girl passes by,

and he flashes her that
winning Crest smile.

Suddenly, the sun
glinting off his teeth

like a laser pointer

blinds her and everyone
else in the vicinity

as our hero mutters an
apology and crosses off!

Andrew.

"Crest, sunglasses
not included."

Oh, I love it.

Oh, great work, Zach.

You know, Simon, a lot of that
was actually Andrew's idea.

Let's not do this.

I'm confused. Didn't I say
you guys did a great job?

Well, technically, you just
said Zach did a great job.

I did, didn't I?

Also, I think Andrew's
a little upset

because I got a jacket
and he didn't,

even though I explained to him

how me sleeping with the girl
who liked the jacket

is gonna be a victory
for both of us.

I'm still not seeing that.
But seriously, Simon, it's fine.

No, no, it's not fine. I mean,
I know what goes into a pitch.

I know you both worked on this.

Maybe it's just 'cause
he talks more in the meetings.

Yeah, that's what I was saying.

Maybe I like you more
on a subconscious level.

Getting more hurtful.
I should know better.

A boss can't be doing this.

He can't play favorites.

I'm gonna make an effort
to be a little more fair.

You know,
spread the love around.

Zach, give Andrew the jacket.

Huh?

Words without actions
are meaningless.

Okay. I think Stalin said that.

Well, if he didn't,
he should have.

There you go. Let go.
Andrew, come on, come on.

There you go.
Try that puppy on there.

Wow, it's my-my very first
leather jacket, actually.

And how does that feel?
It feels, uh...

it feels pretty great.

You know what?
It looks better on Zach.

It's me. It's me.
Give it back, yeah.

I just can't unsee Zach

in that jacket. Come on.
Good try, bud.

It's okay. We'll find something
that will...

We're gonna cr*ck this thing.

We'll figure it out, bud.

And with this targeted
bus-and-billboard campaign,

we project increased growth
in public awareness

for Windy City
over the next five years.

What do you think?

Well, it's certainly
along the lines

of what we hope to do,
you know, sales-wise.

I guess we were hoping for
something a little more...

Penis... exciting.

We want to edge up
our brand a little bit.

Well, what's exciting
is reliable sales growth.

You know, what's edgy is, uh,

increased market share.

Lauren, what do you...
what do you think?

Oh, I'm just the assistant,
but I would definitely

sleep with a
Windy City Coffee drinker

based on the strength of this
bus-and-billboard campaign.

Well, I mean, it does
have its merits.

Yeah.

What about a spectacular?

They don't want a spectacular.

Oh, you're right.

It's too big, it's too exciting.

Not your thing.

Hey, we want big.

Yeah. What's a spectacular?

Sydney?

It's a media event designed
to get attention.

Like when Red Bull parachuted
that guy from outer space.

Yes!
Let's do that!

Exactly that.
Yeah!

They already did that.
That's how we know about it.

Lauren, what do you think?

I'd give it up
to spectacular guy

way quicker than billboard guy.

That's enough, Lauren.

And Sydney's spectacular will be
even better than Red Bull's.

It'll be stunning,
stupendous, extraordinary.

You're literally just saying adjectives.
We're in.

We haven't even pitched
you a specific.

It could be anything!
We love that.

Anything, anybody,
she can do it.

We love her!
Welcome to my world!

Yeah!
Let's do it!

She's gonna figure it out!

Yeah!
Spectacular!

Game on! Yeah!

Abbondanza.

What was that?!

Now I have to come up
with the biggest idea ever?

Not ever, just in the history
of American advertising.

I don't do big.

I do steady.
I do dependable.

I'm not you.

Honey, the apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.

Sorry. I'm not supposed
to call you food.

I'm just happy you moved on
from the penis metaphor.

Yeah, I think I b*at
that one to death.

Sorry. Did that rub you
the wrong way?

Blah...!

It's not that hard, really.

It's a stiff challenge,
but I know you're up to it.

You guys bring out
the worst in me.

It's amazing.

Feel terrible about
this Andrew thing.

I want to do something
special for him.

You know, something that says,

"I see you every day,
but now I actually see you."

You slap that sentiment
on a mug,

I think you got
one happy Andrew.

Maybe I could take
him to a Bulls game.

You know, the Heat are
in town this week.

- Yeah, you could do that.
- What?

I just thought the Bulls games
were kind of our thing.

True. I hated it
when I said it.

God, this is hard.

Why did you have to look so
much better in that jacket?

Sorry, boss.

It's these damn
swimmer's shoulders.

Yeah. Hey, maybe
I can let Andrew

take point with me on
this duck-raising thing.

I was looking for backup.
I was hoping you would do it,

but, you know...
What exactly would that entail?

There's cage cleaning,

bottle feeding
and this thing called "venting"

where you use a tiny brush
to clean the duck's anus.

They need help.
They don't have sphincters.

And their mom's not around
to lick them, so...

You know what?

What?

Let Andrew take this one.

You're a good friend.

Well, I spent half the night
with the team

banging our heads
against the wall.

And then I finally sent
everybody home,

and then I banged my head
some more, and then

I finally cracked it.
The spectacular?

Yes. And it's amazing.
Why is she upset?

'Cause I was right.
You could do better.

Fine, all right, there's
genius within me.

I get it. There's no
limit to the heights

I can achieve in this
industry. You win.

I'm sorry I had to be
the one to break it to you.

Well, what is it?

It's simple, but it's big.

Wow.

Oh...

All you need
is a giant bottle of scotch

and you have my breakfast
during college.

Okay, it's an optical illusion.
See, there's a pipe that runs

from the cup all the way up
to the carafe that's hidden

by the falling coffee.
Mm-hmm.

And wait for it.
This is the best part.

It's three stories tall.

Wow, Syd, that's fantastic.

Nice rendering.

Andrew did it.

Andrew, eh?
That's a job well done.

It's about to be noticed

and rewarded.

That's it.
The important thing

to remember when
cleaning a duck's anus

is to go against the feathers.

That's it...
against the feathers.

Oh, okay. Okay. Other way.
That's it. That's it.

You having fun, buddy?
Oh, yeah.

Hey, you guys want

to grab some lunch?
Uh, I don't know

how hungry I am.

Hey, you missed a
spot right there.

Look, uh, Simon, I don't mean

to seem ungrateful
or anything, but...

What?
What is it?

Uh, I so appreciate you trying
to do something nice for me.

The thing is, this specific thing...
Uh-huh?

I-I don't totally get it.

- Listen.
- Yeah?

I know that on the face of it

it doesn't seem that glamorous,

but this whole pond cleanup thing...
Mm-hmm.

Isn't just a tax write-off.

It's the pond where my dad
used to take me fishing.

And I hope one day to take
my grandkid fishing there...

if Sydney could ever sustain
a relationship.

So this is really
important to you.

It's the most important
assignment I could give anyone.

- Huh.
- Huh.

I don't think I'll be going
to lunch today, either.

Andrew and I have some
important matters to attend to.

You may want to use your pinky,
'cause you can't get

all the gunk out
with just a toothbrush.

d Imagine me and you

d And you and me

d No matter how
they tossed the dice d

d it had to be

d The only one for me is you

d And you for me

d So happy together

d I can't see me

d Loving nobody but you

d For all my life

d When you're with me

d Baby, the skies will be blue

d For all my life

d When you're with me

d Baby, the skies will be blue

d For all my life...

With a push
of this ceremonial button,

Daley Plaza will transform

into Windy City Coffee Plaza!

No deal was actually made
with the city.

Daley Plaza remains
the official name.

Sydney...

Enjoy free coffee, Chicago!

Yeah!

Here you go.

- Scone?
- Thank you.

It's truly spectacular.

You did it, Sydney.

Thanks, Lauren.

Nobody thought you could.

What? I push you hard, honey,

because I know
how great you can be.

And now everybody
knows it, too.

I'm so proud of you, sweetie.

That's my daughter's
penis up there.

Did you
bring a duck with you?

What? No.

Scotty gets separation anxiety.

Shh.

Papa's here.

Papa's here.

It's a little windy today, huh?

Is it starting to rain?

It's not supposed to.

Honey, how are you
containing the liquid?

Some sort of
wind-guard, or...?

Wh...

Uh-oh.

What?

You feel that?

Hey.
It's raining coffee!

Everybody, get out of the way!

Don't forget to

grab a free scone
while you're fleeing!

Is that hazelnut?

Because it's delicious, really.

They are calling it
the dry cleaning bills

to end all dry cleaning bills.

Local chain Windy City Coffee

attempted what
a spokesperson referred to

as a "spectacular."

But when things went awry,

what went down
will be remembered

for a long time
as a spectacular failure.

Oh, that's clever how they
used the word against you.

I destroyed
an entire city block.

I'm like a supervillain.

Oh, come on, nobody could have
anticipated this.

That was an unusual
amount of wind.

Thank you.

Although it is literally called

Windy City Coffee.

And this is

the Windy City.

Ooh, someone's getting
a little peckish.

I should get back.
Feeding time.

Hey, you know what?
I can feed them.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I should help
with the ducks, too.

Team.

Yeah, yeah, but the ducks,

that's kind of my gig.

It's true.
He's proven himself

to be the man for the job.

Also, the ducks
have imprinted on him.

They now believe
he's their mother.

Hey, may I speak with
you for a moment?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

So, uh...

what was that back there?

What?

The ducks are
my thing with Simon,

and now... you're jealous.

I am not jealous.

- Oh?
- I don't get jealous.

Oh, no, I-I truly believe that.

I-I do. I believe
that that is an emotion

you are not fully capable
of understanding.

That's how good your life is.

But see, today...
I'm the one

that's buddying around
with Simon, so...

How... how does that
make you feel?

I don't really like it.

You-you kind of wish
the roles were reversed?

A little bit, yeah.

You got, like,
an emptiness in your stomach,

a pit that you can't quite name?

Maybe.

That, my friend, is jealousy.

Can I hold the duck
for a little bit?

I'm sorry, no.

Sweetie, you tried.

That's the important thing.

Yep, I tried and I failed.

I told you I'm not you.

Your problem is, you don't
see me for my imperfections.

Please, not the Yoda
birthmark again.

But it looks just like him.

I'm saying that my big
ideas don't always work.

I've had some spectacular
failures of my own.

You know that pond
I've been helping

to recover from
the environmental disaster?

Well, that disaster
was all my fault.

What are you talking about?

It was back in the '80s.

A large crowd had gathered
for what was being called

the spectacular
to end all spectaculars.

And the sponsor

was America's favorite
saliva-powered candy:

Pop Rocks.

I poured tons and
tons of that stuff

into that pond.

I was hoping for maybe
a little fizzing, you know,

a little crackling.

No.

It was a pink eruption.

It was like a Pop Rock Pompeii.

It was my PopRockalypse Now.

I remember seeing

little kids covered in pink,
crying.

And the noise, just...

It was like
the devil's flatulence.

Sales blew up.

But so did a lot of the fish.

My point is, baby,
I know failure.

Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome, kitten.

Uh-oh.

Another e-mail from
the Windy City people.

They are not happy.

It's okay.

We're gonna figure this out.

Yes, we are!

I believe in you!

Check it out!
We're on TV.

Christie Moon,
channel four news.

We were hoping to get a few
words from the perpetrator,

if you have a moment.
Uh, sorry...

Yo, everybody, I'm famous!

What, what!

Oh, this just in:

new footage of people fleeing.

It's raining coffee!

Everybody out of the way!

It was like something
out of a horror movie.

It was a
beautiful day in sunny Chicago.

Until...

It's raining coffee!

The att*ck of the k*ller coffee!

That's actually quite tasty.
Whoa!

Run for your lives!

Windy City Coffee.

Dangerously good.

That's what I'm talking about.

Edgy, edgy.

We also have
a red-band version

we'd like to leak
online with your permission.

There's a particular girl
whose shirt

gets just the right
amount of soaked. Um...

is it possible...

We'll e-mail
you the link.

Awesome.

Everyone's here.

We can start whenever you want.

There's a lot of diabetic frogs

who've been waiting
20 years for this.

Hey, Simon, are we sure
that it's a good idea

to release these ducks
into nature?

I mean, what if
they're city ducks?

Sorry, Andrew, but it's time.

I'm gonna miss you, little guy.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Said the duck.
Ah.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you're all here today

because you've been
part of the effort

to bring life back to this
beautiful body of water.

Others were quick to walk away,

declaring it just another
candy-related catastrophe

like the gobstopping
of the Chicago River in '82,

or the Nerd melt of '81.

But today is proof
of what happens

if you dare to dream big
and work small.

There were days I didn't know
if we'd succeed.

But if I've learned
one thing in this life,

there's no shame in failing.

The only shame

is in not giving things
your best sh*t.

Thank you for that smattering.

And now,
to quote Jacques Cousteau...

...it is time to restore things

back to their natural order.

To get back
to the way things were.

Andrew, release the quackens!

I'm gonna miss you guys.

But I'm gonna come
and visit you every Sunday.

Scott, I'm gonna bring you
your favorite bread.

Sharon, you're gonna
meet someone.

You're so beautiful.

David... Andrew,
it's time to go.

I'll talk to you Sunday, David.

Go.

Swim away.

Be free.

I release you.

On your way, now.

What are you guys doing?

Come on, get out of here.

Scram.

Do you realize how hard
you're making this for me?

Yeah, they're not moving.

Guess we'll have
to keep them after all.

There is another possibility.

Come on!

Come on, duckies.

Over here.

Good, Taylor.

That's it!

Yeah, keep going!

Poor guy.
It's a little chilly out.

Are you cold, buddy?

Oh, no, I'm good.
I got the jacket.

Yeah, you do.

How long do you think
he has to stay in there?

Just a couple of hours,
till they get acclimated.

There you go!

Little further.
Good work, Andrew!

You proud of me?

Yeah, buddy, you did great!

They love you!

Thanks, Da... Simon.

Go.

Swim away!

You are free now!

Oh, that's
not right. Sorry.

There they go.

Four out of five dentists agree

it was the worst environmental
disaster of the '80s.

It was like a
Candyland Chernobyl.

They found Nemo.
He was all over.

The bubbling, the bubbling,
the bubbling, the bubbling...

It was like a fart from hell.

You can do it, Dorothy.

A girl with a good
pair of shoes

can go a long way.

Stop it.

We put every metaphor we could

in everything we tried.

How long can we
make this riff go?

Till the end of time.
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