01x06 - Hugging the Now

[bunniefuu]

♪

♪ We can do the tango
just for two ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I can serenade and
gently play ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ On your heartstrings,
be your Valentino ♪

♪ Just for you ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, love ♪
This man represents...

(quietly):
♪ Ooh, lover boy... ♪

This man represents
our target demo:

60-ish,
white male,

problems in the bedroom.

He can no longer master
his johnson.

Mr. Happy's taking
a nappy.

His rooster needs a booster!

We get it. It's a bummer.

But there's hope.

He takes a single Paratis

and behold...

we now see the young man

within the older man
has reemerged.

Sexy, young, vibrant...

he is who he once was.

♪ Ooh, oh... ♪

SIMON:
Paratis,

give your organ
the choir it deserves.

♪ Oh... ♪

Yes, indeed!

Do not take Paratis if you take
nitrates for chest pain.

- ♪ My heart ♪ - Side effects may include
headaches and upset stomach.

- ♪ Fire in the hole ♪ - In rare
cases, men taking E.D. pills

have reported a sudden decrease
or loss of vision.

- ♪ Can't see a thing ♪ - or hearing.
Seek immediate medical attention

for any erection lasting more
than four hours.

♪ Give a girl a break... ♪

Well?

I don't know
about you gentlemen,

but I'm as hard as a rock.

Whoa. You heard the lady.
Let's finish her off!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ O oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

People, people!
Paratis loved the pitch.

Sydney, your patter
was perfection. Lauren,

k*ller smile, k*ller
dance moves. Andrew,

way to not take focus
from Zach. And, Zach,

way to play a younger
version of me.

You mean, like, three years ago.

Damn, you're good.

If HR wasn't such a buzz k*ll,

I'd sleep with you. But
that'd be sleeping with me,

which I already do. Whoa,
where am I going with this?

This is a little weird.

We never know. But...
I know.

Guess what. You were nominated
for an Advertising Impact Award,

Creative of the Year. ANDREW:
Wow, you haven't been

nominated for that since 2010.

Creative of the Year.
That's so exciting.

Who am I gonna wear?

Who else is nominated?

Uh, let me see. Uh, Gary Stein,
Josh Hayes, Susan Rogers,

Josh Hayes.
You said him twice.

Josh and I went
to high school together.

Oh... Oh... Oh...

It wasn't like that.
We barely knew each other.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Okay, sure.

Nothing happened.

Okay, maybe I had
a little crush on him.

Yeah. Yeah. Only

from afar.

So, you never...
No.

But you would've. If you had the
chance Oh, yeah. In a second.

So you're a dirty little girl. Yes.
Wait. What did I just say yes to?

My father was nominated
for an award!

Oh, thank God. No one's
talked about me for a minute.

I forgot I was here. You know, we should
throw a cocktail party in his honor.

Oh, no, no, please. I
don't want to make a fuss.

Come on. It'll be fun.
And, you know,

it might be a nice gesture
to the other nominees,

who we should invite.

Ah...
Ah...

Paratis, little green pill
for erectile dysfunction. Go.

How 'bout this? Just
because Grandma's retired,

doesn't mean Grandpa gets to. Let
the only organ failure you have

be your heart.

Put a little pep-pep
in your pepaw's pee-pee.

Paratis, finally something
old people will like

as much as voting.
Hey, who rigged the erection?

This old bag of bones
just grew one more.

You may have forgotten where you're going,
but your penis knows which way is up.

You may be 40 years' sober,
but tonight

you're gonna end the night
with a stiff one. Yes.

Just 'cause you guys high-five
at the end of a bad pitch

doesn't make it a winner.

- Are you sure?
- Ohh, you know what might help us?

Someone with working knowledge
of this product.

Hmm, you're right.
So, what's it like?

Seriously.
What's it like?

(chuckles)
I don't take Paratis.

Regularly? On an empty stomach?
No, no,

no, no, I've never
taken Paratis.

I've never had a need to.

Boss, we know.
We're just messing with you.

I have a friend who does.
Maybe he can help us.

Ah, a friend.
Yeah.

My friend Simon.

Simon.
Simon.

You own it, boss.

No, no, he's my friend
Simon Lancaster,

completely different Simon.

I'll prove to you
I'm not talking about myself.

I'm a partner in this firm.
I have to prove to you

I can still get an erection...

No, no, no!
No, we believe you...

Ah! Ah, ha-ha, wonderful,

a phone.

Simon Lancaster.

It's going to voice mail.

(clears throat)
Simon, it's Simon.

Not you, me. (Chuckles)
Does that ever get old?

(whispers): It's an inside joke. If you
got a second, could you call me back

and tell my coworkers
about your troubles

with erectile dysfunction?

Thanks. See you
at group next week.

Did that prove anything? Only that he doesn't
understand the rules of group therapy.

I'm not an old man, and I don't
need a pill to prove it.

Or an award, for that matter.

What? Who said anything about an award?
Someone brought it up.

I heard it. And I don't care
about awards. I never have.

Awards. Don't need that
to prove my manhood.

C'est un honneur pour moi
d'être nominé.

(chuckles) And the winner is...
Simon Roberts.

Whoa, whoa. Thank you, Charlize.

Thank you. Wow.
Creative of the Year.

Well, I'd like to dedicate
this award

to my daughter Sydney,
who's up way past her bedtime.

Honey, you can go to bed now.
Daddy's a winner!

(whoops) No, come on, now.

Wait a minute.
Who have I forgotten?

Um, uh...
(mimics orchestra) Please.

I'd like to thank my daughter,
my secret daughter,

the Chilean miners, Hilary
Swank's husband, my ex-wives

'cause without them I
could've retired years ago.

Thank you!
Go, Chicago!

(whoops) You're so good
at accepting awards.

You must really want this.

It's not just an award.
It's something else I can pawn

if I relapse.

Besides, what else
am I gonna put

on my shelves?
Pictures of my grandkids?

Like that's ever gonna happen.

I won the Junior Miss Orlando
Pageant, but only because

I put eyedrops
in Becky Johnston's Diet Coke

before the swimsuit round.

(chuckles) So you get it.

(sighs) Well,

you know, every day
when I come here,

I see that likeness of me
on the wall and...

I come face-to-face
with somebody I used to be.

Every now and then
I want something, you know,

that's a "now moment,"
something from me, you know?

Something special,
you know what I mean?

Not really but I'm using
context clues to figure it out.

You want to feel like
you're still relevant. Mmm.

Like you're not just part
of the past but also the now.

Exactly.

Don't you wish
there was a green pill for that?

But you just landed
a big account.

Yeah, but awards are what
reminds people of that,

you know? That's how you get
your next big account.

Can I pitch an idea? I mean,
I know I'm just an assistant...

You're not just an assistant.
You're a smart, powerful woman

who made a teenage girl
crap her bikini. Go on.

Well, we all know
how good you are.

Oh, please. Maybe you need
to remind the judges.

So if you want to win
this award, campaign for it.

What do you mean?
Like, take out an ad?

Or a billboard placed in
key locations around the city

so the judges have to see it?

That seems unseemly.

You love unseemly.

I do. What have you got?

Well, here's what I'm thinking.

Mm-hmm.

You as a superhero...

Oh, like Ad Man.

...literally making an impact

and all the brands you've
worked on over the years

are scattered outside the
crater you've made. Wow.

It's amazing, Lauren.
You've been holding out on us.

If I'm not careful, you're gonna
be taking over this company.

How would I do that? Poison you?

Stage a coup on Sydney, who'd be
too emotionally distraught

to see it coming?

(chuckling)

(sniffs)

Keeping an eye on her.

Hey, Syd, the DJ needs to know
where to set up for the... Wow.

You look great.

You know,

if you were a woman, I'd be
very attracted to you.

First of all,
you're talking to a partner.

And secondly,

sure it's okay?

It's perfect.

Andrew!
Get in here!

You are not gonna believe this.
Hey, Syd...

Whoa, something is different
here. Don't tell me.

Don't tell me.
Is that a new lamp?

Why is it so hard for you freaks
to tell me I look nice?

I'm sorry. That was meant
to be a compliment.

Just my... mouth
wouldn't let me say it.

(sighs)
Fine, I know this is ridiculous.

Josh probably won't even
remember me.

ZACH: No, it's not ridiculous.
We all had that special person.

("Eternal Flame" playing) in high school, right?
The one who got away.

Even you? No, I got them
all, but I feel cheated.

Well, mine was Josh Hayes,

and I was so in love with him
I couldn't even look at him.

He was a total package,

track star, class president,
mathlete.

Oh, so you bought a snow globe
that plays "Eternal Flame"

to remind you of a guy
you were too afraid to talk to?

When I hear it out loud,
it almost sounds irrational.

No, it sounds completely...

She's having a moment.
...sweet.

In my fantasy,
I'm standing at my locker

and then I hear
someone say my name,

and when I turn around,
it's Josh.

And before I can think
of something witty

and perfect to say,
he kisses me,

right there front of everyone.

And then...

it starts to snow,

and then we start dancing

just like this.

It's snowing inside
your high school?

It was probably asbestos.

(music stops) Seriously,
Syd, we're kidding.

You look awesome. Yeah,
you're gonna knock him dead.

It looks cold in there. You'd
think that snow globe guy

would've given you his scarf.

ANDREW: Scarf? If she
doesn't put out,

she'll be lucky
to get a ride home.

Hey-o!

Why do I even share?

♪

♪

♪

So I'm down to one testicle.
But you know what they say,

anything more
than a handful's a waste!

Oh, Bud, I could hear you talk
about your ball all night.

Sydney, do you need me
for anything?

What? And take you away
from Bud? Never.

How are you, Syd?

Here's one for
the record books,

my replacement knee
got cancer. (Laughs)

(laughing): I'm just laughing
'cause I'm really uncomfortable.

This is fun!

I haven't been invited to
a nominee party in years.

Well, you weren't invited
to this one.

'Cause I wasn't nominated!

(laughs)

Now I'm uncomfortable.
Ooh,

those sliders are
calling my name.

Side effect of the meds!

(laughs)

Bang... still got it.

(laughs)

No, you don't.
(sighs)

Boy, he's got ball.

Whew.

Not the most uplifting
guy but a great kisser.

Your mother and I made
out with him and his wife

at a key party in the '70s.

Oh, she was a trooper, boy.

Out of curiosity, have you
ever left anything unsaid?

No.

What are you staring at?

Do you think that's me

in a couple of years?

Is Bud my Ghost of
Christmas Future?

SYDNEY: Dad, this whole
party is for you.

You're nominated for an Impact.

Yeah, 'cause I'm at the
top of my game today,

but what about tomorrow?

We have a staff meeting.

At least I have
that to live for.

You know, maybe I am the old
man in the Paratis pitch.

You know, maybe I should
step aside and make way

for all the Zachs
and the Joshes.

Is that why you're campaigning
for this award?

Yeah, it's stupid, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

But I guess it's no more stupid

than getting all dressed up

for some guy who barely knew
I existed in high school.

Come on, now, you look pretty.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

You know what?
Let's just give ourselves

permission to be stupid and go for it.
I'm glad

you said that 'cause the bus
ads have all been paid for.

A few billboards but
that's as far as I've gone.

Simon, the blimp's
not available.

Because the blimp
wasn't available.

JOSH:
Sydney.

SYDNEY:
Josh.

ALL:
Oh...

Go for it, just don't
get pregnant... or do.

My grandfather
clock is ticking.

Hi.

Wow, you look amazing.

It's been a long time.

Yeah, how long has it been?

You want the answer in years,
months, days, or minutes?

(laughs, snorts)

Was that a harbor seal?
I heard horse.

So, I know you're
up against my dad,

but congratulations
on your nomination.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, uh, don't be offended,

but, uh, I need
to keep a promise

I made to myself 18 years ago.

Okay.

Whoa.

We can just do that now?

Oh, he can.

I'm sorry.

That was the defining moment I
meant to have in high school.

Yeah, that moment
has actually been redefined

as sexual as*ault.
Bye.

Would you like to dance?
Yes.

I-I mean, sure, I mean,
we're, we're both here,

so we might as well.

Okay.

There's something about
that guy I do not like.

Is it his full lips
or his dreamy eyes?

Okay, be honest,
was that kiss weird?

Because the cabdriver said
it would work.

(chuckles)

I-I have to say, this is all
kind of blowing my mind.

You wanted to kiss me?

I had a crush on you; you
didn't even notice me.

Are you kidding me? Every time
I tried to get your attention,

you would run the other way...

one time
even into a trophy case.

Yeah, that was emotionally
and physically scarring.

I just thought

you were a little stuck-up
or something.

Me, stuck-up?

I was a dork.

You, you were voted "most
likely to stay awesome."

Two years running.
(chuckles)

Yeah, I pretty much had it all.

Except for one thing.

♪

So, you've been spending
a lot of time with this guy.

Two amazing dates

and then all weekend
we binge-watched Bones.

Sweetheart, I'm your father,
that's TMI.

I really like Josh.
Mm.

He's smart and he's funny

and a thief.

I get it, he stole your heart,

but that's a little corny
even for you.

The...

That's my...

How did...?

Oh, God.
What?

I might have mentioned
your ad to Josh.

There was wine
and, I don't know,

something about eight hours
of Bones that loosens you up.

Geez, Sydney,
don't make this worse.

You know what?
What?

I-I bet it's
just a joke.

Uh-huh. I mean, he knows
we walk this way to work.

He probably bribed
the bus driver

to play a practical joke.

Right?
Yeah.

That's what he did, he just...

Or not.

(elevator bell dings)

Excuse me,
you're here to see...

A bastard named Josh
Hayes. Out of my way.

Why isn't this working?

I ballroom danced in college.

(grunts)

Aah!

Oh, co...

These were new shoes.

You betrayed me.

You stole my father's idea.

You are not at all

the person that I make-believe
fell in love with.

You do not deserve to be the
father of Taylor and Jayden,

our fictitious children
who are high achievers

with the ability to sleep
at night without medication.

Sydney... have you met
the g*ng from Charmin?

Not yet, but I believe
we're pitching you next week.

We have some bold ideas,
so stay tuned.

Sydney.

Just tell me one thing...
was any of it real?

Was Bones just a lie? I
mean, do you even like

David Boreanaz, or
was it all just a con

to steal my father's idea?

JOSH: It was all real...
this week, high school.

Come on, you said
an assistant came up with it.

I didn't think
you were going to use it.

That doesn't give you
permission to steal.

Even if I did,
it's advertising.

We steal all the time
and call it inspiration.

This is kind of who we are.

It's not who I am.

Syd, I am so sorry.

I actually thought
you might be impressed.

There are a lot of ways
to impress me, Josh.

Screwing over my father is
not one of the better ones.

See you soon!

See you never.

Hey, kiddo, sorry about
Josh stealing your idea.

The worst part is,
he got the blimp.

Not the blimp.
How does she look?

Not good... she really phoned
in the eye shadow today.

What? Oh, you meant emotionally.

Yeah. I think she feels
as bad as her makeup.

Really? I always told
her, "Make a choice..."

"either smoky eyes
and a natural lip

"or red lips and simple eyes.

You can't do both."

Poor girl.

(breathing heavily)

Whoa, hey.

This isn't over.

Ah?
I called our attorneys.

We're gonna sue Josh and
the agency and the bus company.

You called our attorneys?
That's 75 bucks.

MAN (over phone):
$150.

I've been on for 15 minutes.

Hey, Marty, bill us.

Love to the wife and girlfriend.

(clicks) Hey,

I'm sorry about Josh.

(sighs)

I just feel so silly.

At least the bag covered
the bright lips, huh?

I don't care what you say.

I think you can do both.

Hmm.

Dad, I really liked him.

I know, hey, hey, come on now,

and it sucks when things don't
turn out the way we imagined.

It's like seeing
the Easter Bunny

on a smoke break with
his in head in one hand

and a menthol in the other,
going, "Happy Easter",

you know."
(chuckles)

But... okay,

("Eternal Flame" playing)
so maybe he's not this guy,

but this guy... he's
still out there.

Yeah, you know what else
is still out there for you?

What?
An Impact award.

No.
I can feel it.

You're gonna win.

(chuckles)

SIMON: Well, it would have been
nice to have won, but...

(à la Jack Nicholson): ...it was
an honor just to be nominated.

Take that Impact award
and put it between your knees.

(all laugh)

Okay, guys, how about
a toast to Lauren

and her award-winning idea?

Thank you, I just wish
it didn't help Josh win.

It's just more proof
that it was a good idea.

Wait, and to my dad,

who may not have won
an Impact today

but who makes an impact
on all of us every day.

Bless you, piglet,
when you say it like that,

I don't feel like such a loser.

Loser? We got gift bags.

I don't know,
they're pretty lame.

We got, uh, stickers
and a sample size

of Nivea hand cream.

Yeah, that's stupid. Here, let
me throw that out for you.

SIMON:
And I have a DVD

of the first season
of Tabatha Takes Over.

Here, I'll throw that out, too.
(whistles)

Now?

Now is the perfect time.

Wait, what-what's
happening?

LAUREN AND SIMON:
Nothing.

Nothing's happening.

Zach's just cold.

(playing "Eternal Flame"
on piano)

I love this song.

This is my song.

What are you doing?

May I have this dance?

In front of everyone?

Mm-hmm.

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Give me your hand, darling ♪

♪ Do you feel my
heart b*ating? ♪

Oh, God.

♪ Do you understand?

You set me up.

First rule of snow globes:
no talking in snow globes.

♪ Do you feel the same? ♪

♪ Am I only dreaming ♪

THE BANGLES:
♪ Is this burning ♪

♪ An eternal... ♪

Can I get you anything else?

♪ Flame? ♪

Nope, I got everything I need.

♪ Darling, do you feel
my heart b*ating? ♪

♪ Do you understand? ♪

♪ Do you feel the... ♪

Come on now, you look pretty.

- Thank you. - You do,
you honestly do.

You look fabulous.

Don't lie to yourself.

You're a knockout.

You really are.

Just let it go.

(laughs)
Okay, I will do this, yes.

You look pretty,
you look pretty.

(laughs)

Oh!

Forgot it's a pub.

(in Irish brogue):
Ooh, don't go there, right?

They're pigs in a blanket,
ooh, right.

♪ Music changes a
little bit in my ear ♪

♪ And then I get crazy.

Get it all, whoo!

MAN: Run in a quick refill of confetti.
Still rolling.

Hold on, I can just
get it out of my dress.

Hold on, it's in my pants.

(à la Marlon Brando): Christopher,
it breaks my heart to tell you this.

(à la Christopher Walken): What...
you've got news for me?

(à la Arnold Schwarzenegger): Look at
you... you deserve this award right now.

You're incredibly powerful.

You can open the door
with your right pec.

Don't be afraid.

This nomination's yours...
you won it on your own.

Why did you sleep
with Ernest Borgnine?