01x10 - Models Love Magic

[bunniefuu]

Got it. Code 12.

The models have
entered the building.

- Okay.
- That's Code 12.

It's go time.
How's my hair?

- Perfectly tousled.
- Why so anxious?

You date models all the time.

From the Sears catalog.

These are
Victoria’s Secret models.

There's a difference.

There's no difference.

They're human coat hangers.

- They're mannequins who can vote.
- Hey!

You watch your mouth.

Models are people, too.

Don't mock them just because
they're beautiful.

In fact,
this is why I date models:

to fight this kind of prejudice.

- You are so brave.
- The models

are in the elevator.

They will be arriving
in three...

two...

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ We can fly ♪

♪ Till we die ♪

- So beautiful.
- So terrifying.

Hi.

Hello.

What a great group of gals.

♪ Kiss the sky. ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am security guard
Marvin Trank,

and I am caretaker

of this year's $10 million

Victoria's Secret Fantasy Bra.

Oh, my God.

I always dreamed
of wearing the Fantasy Bra.

How sweet.

Whenever I get the catalogs,

I cut off Adriana Lima's head

and paste my own face
into the picture.

Little less sweet.

I have one rule
and one rule only:

If anybody touches
this jeweled work of art

and his or her name is not

Marvin Trank

or Adriana Lima's bosom...

we're gonna have a problem.

Oh, the Fantasy Bra!

Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi.
Help me.

We're gonna have a problem.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

Auntie Mary's Pecan Pies...

old-fashioned is
back in fashion.

There it is, fellas.

Everybody likes pie,

except for t*rrorists
and Canadians.

So, what's your verdict?

Well, we went to
a whole lot of agencies,

and hearing nothing
but double-talk.

Double-talk and
fruity pitches.

- Yeah, fruity pitches.
- You betcha.

So we really appreciate
you staying

inside the box on this, you know?
Mmm.

Nice and simple.

Well, that's our Sydney.
"Simple Sydney."

If you want fancy, forget it.

She's not gonna
push the envelope.

- She's not even gonna lick the envelope.
- Gordon...

Oh, popular fella.

You need to grab that?

No, no. It's just
the old ball and chain.

- Hey, been there.
- Done that.

Yeah.

So how is the little lady?

Not so little and not a lady...

Doing great, actually.
Making dinner.

Italian wedding soup.

Yeah, I have no idea
what the hell's in it.

But I'm gonna love it,

I'll tell you that right now,

because it's about, uh...

it's about family.

Family is everything.

Indeed. Yeah, you betcha.

So, what's your dad like, huh?

He a traditional fella,
like old Gordon here?

Use your wings, let 'em fly.

Let your wings fly, like...

Maybe not that traditional, but...
Almost Amish.

Good.
Real good.

We've been to every
agency in town, and...

aw, heck, I'm just
gonna say it.

Their thinking is just too out there.
Way out there.

Well, if there is one
thing that we are not,

it's "out there."

There they are.

Let them go, fly...

fly... and then stop!

- I'm excited. Yeah. - So, will
Simon be joining us for lunch?

Oh, not a chance. We could
probably arrange a meeting...

Yeah, no, he's running a sh**t.

Oh.

Well, that...
that's too bad.

Yeah, we wouldn't
feel comfortable

handing over our business
without having lunch

with him, you know. Why not?

If he's a straight sh**t
like you, we're good to go.

sh**t very straight.

Okay, so, yeah...

Hover, people.

There we go, hover.
There we go, just hover.

- Keep going...
- Yeah.

- Sure.
- You betcha.

Why not? Sure.

So you want me

to go to lunch,
but only if I act...

what was that distasteful word
you used, again?

"Normal." Look, these
are traditional clients,

and you're a little colorful
for their tastes.

Like that ridiculous tie.

I love this tie.

And my colorfulness

is what brings everyone
to this agency.

Not everyone, okay?

Because 30% of our client base

prefers things boring and safe.

If these pie people
want us to change

who we are, then
we don't want 'em.

Yes, we do, because they're
about to go national.

Listen, I've been out, loud

and proud ever since I was
on the Radical Faerie float

in the Gay Pride Parade.

But when Timothy texted me
during that pitch,

well, I just played it off
like he was my wife,

because you do
what you have to do

to land the client.

I believe you referred to him
as "the old ball and chain."

Liar.

Actually, that is not a lie.

Balls and chains
have been involved.

Well, I'm not gonna pretend
to be someone I'm not

just to satisfy the whims of
some narrow-minded clients.

And that is exactly why
you're not in the pitches.

I could've been at the pitch,

if I didn't have the
Victoria's Secret sh**t...

which you intentionally
scheduled during your pitch.

Well, it's not my fault you're
distracted by shiny objects.

Wow.

Literally shiny objects.

You've been managing me
this whole time.

You've been pulling my strings
like some monstrous puppeteer.

Okay, you want me
to cut the strings?

Consider them clipped.

I'll just call off the lunch,

and we can kiss
the account good-bye.

Good. That way, we can keep
our dignity and ethics intact.

Uh, Simon, exactly
how much bottom cleavage

are we allowed to show?

Uh, two fingers.

Three at the most.

Good.

Now, where was I?

Dignity and ethics.

Yes.

All right, I'll dial it
back a notch for the lunch.

Good. So no crazy
character voices,

no fruity orders...

So Dandy Randy
and his Banana Band

won't be ordering the beet salad
with the culinary foam?

They will not.

Okay.

So, what did you do

with the pictures of my head

that you cut out
from the catalog?

Drew angry red X's
on them, b*rned them

and buried the ashes.

Maybe you'd be more comfortable

with a wardrobe person
helping you.

No.

You're a disturbed girl.

I like disturbed girls.

Excuse me.

It's Ibiza calling.

Hello, Ibiza...

You really are angels...

fallen from Heaven.

What?

Hang on.

I don't
know what's wrong.

I just gave them the angel bit,

and they're not biting.

Well, perhaps it's because

they're Victoria's
Secret Angels,

so they've heard it maybe
once or twice before.

Of course.
Right.

Oh, God.

What were you thinking?

I need to escalate
to the smile.

Maybe that's it.
Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if
I mentioned it, earlier,

but I'm Zachary.

No.

Hang on.

Gosh, what's the next
move, Professor?

I don't know.

I've never had to go
past the smile before.

- Hmm.
- Wait a minute.

♪ 'Cause, baby,
you're a firework ♪

♪ Come on, show 'em
what you're worth ♪

♪ Make 'em go
"Oh, oh, oh"... ♪

Stop.

What is happening?

Look, they see pretty boys
like you all the time.

You're just the male version
of a perfect...

ten.

He's doing magic.

Ooh.

Ooh, do it again.

Ooh, more magic.
More magic...

Um...

I gotta tell you,

I think you guys are all aces.

Oh, my gosh, what do you think?

What's happening?

Models love magic.

Models love magic.

May I have everyone's
attention, please?

Ladies, Simon Roberts has been
called away on business,

so I'm going to be
running the sh**t now.

And I don't want you
to be intimidated by me

because I'm a powerful woman.

I have a secret for you guys.

You are powerful women...

Room temp bubbly water.

I'll be in my office.

Guys, I need you.

Right now.

I just wanted
to try on the bra,

and now I can't get it off.

That's not gonna be a problem.

Not exactly my first rodeo.

Here...

Ah, screw this!
I could be out there

pulling rabbits out of
models' ears right now.

Settle down, boy.

It requires nimble fingers

and a light touch.

I'm not your "boy," Colonel.

Ooh, I see.
This is based off

the '97 Parisian model
Coco Chanel originally...

Just get it off!

Ok... Ok...

It's like some weird, foreign,

alien architecture. It's like a
magical Chinese finger trap.

Okay, what is going on here?

What is happening to me?

I can't pick up models,

I can't pop off a bra...

- Who the hell am I?
- Who cares?!

We just have to get it off

before someone finds out.

Hey, you guys,
what's going on in there?

- Caught.
- Hurry up.

I think the models are saying

mean things about me
in Portuguese.

Sydney will k*ll me.

She's ten feet of crazy
a five-four frame.

I know what to do.

Go away!

What?

That was your plan?

No!

That's not all of it.

Please.

Fine, but... I'll be back
in a few minutes.

We need to get sh**ting.

That worked.
How did that work?

I have no idea.

Oh.

We're gonna have a problem.

And you had to wear the tie?

Why don't you let me
handle me, Nitpick Nancy?

You don't think,
after 25 years,

I can walk the walk
and talk the talk?

Relax.

There he is.
Hey, big guy.

Gentlemen, Simon Roberts.

How the hell are you, huh?

Hey, what's up, there, hey?

Come on, strap on
your feedbags,

'cause this joint has
some grade-A chow.

Hey, super hungry.
Out of sight.

Simon
Roberts, you are here!

Monsieur! Hello, eh?

As always, my 'eart leaps!

Oh! Don't be afraid,
I caught it,

and back at you.

Ooh!

We are starving.

Catherine Deneuve la vie en
rose baguette Pepe le Peu!

Simon!
I never know what

is going to come
out of your mouth, eh?

I do.

Good common sense
and traditional values.

- Right?
- Okay.

Okay, I have to take this one.

Excuse me, will you?

Butch it up, Mary.

Got it.

All right.

I talked to a fella that
can get that bra off her

without no questions asked.

He's a little bit dangerous,

but he owes me one

'cause I taught his kids ballet.

Oh.
Ah. There's a lot of

curious information
in that statement.

If anybody found out
that I lost that bra,

I'm gonna get demoted
to that Best Buy guy

who arbitrarily

writes some squiggly line

on them receipts.

Look, you guys, it's okay.

You can stop trying to hide it.

I know why we're not sh**ting.

It's-It's not
entirely our fault.

Of course not,
it's entirely my fault.

I haven't won the
models' respect yet.

I mean, it's high school
all over again

with those damn cheerleaders.
But I dominated them.

And how did I do that?

Joined the debate team.
Joined the debate team.

Exactly.
I b*at those b*tches with words.

"Beauty fades, brains stay."
That was our motto.

We came in second in district.
Holla!

Hey, I feel better.
Good talk, Sydney.

Okay, let's get sh**ting.
Where's the bra?

We don't have it.
We're polishing it.

Really?

Snitches get stitches!

What do you mean,
you don't have it?

Where-Where is it?

Go away!

I think that only works once.

Just throw a shoe at it.

I'm running low on macho.

I don't know what
to say. Who's that?

Timothy is in a panic.

A raccoon ran into the house,
and now it's

in the kitchen stalking
the Italian wedding soup.

Don't let him near that pot.
Raccoons overseason everything.

Okay, listen,
don't let him eat the soup.

But-But shoo him out
with the broom.

I... I don't know where
the broom is. Call Rosa!

You should go.
I can handle this.

No, he's a crisis queen.
There's no raccoon.

No raccoon.

That's a raccoon.
A raccoon.

But, you know, it looks

a lot more mischievous
than cruel, don't you think?

It could be rabid, though.
You should go.

Ah, it's big 'un.
No, no, I cannot leave.

You don't want to leave me alone
with the clients, do you?

You don't trust me.

Of course, I trust you!

How can I trust you?

You're a wild card!
Thank you.

It's not a compliment.
Really?

No.
Oh...

Where is this $10 million bra?

It didn't just get up
and saunter away.

Lauren, stop.

Come to me.

We're dead.

Best Buy, here I come.

"Raccoon nesting
in Gordie's slipper.

Worried he'll never leave."

Timothy's texting you now?

Well, you deserted him.

"Raccoon using spoon
with humanlike hand."

You know what?
I don't like

that you two are talking
behind my back. He's my partner.

Maybe you should be
a better partner to him.

Maybe you should
mind your own business.

"Where is Gordie?" You see,
he's crying out for your help.

You should go home and deal
with this raccoon crisis.

Raccoon?
Oh, they're mean.

Had a cousin once, got bit.

His eyes foamed.

See? Foaming eyes.

Monsieur, you have
received a message.

"Dinner is ruined.

If I am dead when you get here,
know I d*ed defending it."

Uh-oh, sounds like
the missus is angry.

Yeah, you know what?
They should save their drama

for the soaps they watch.

Am I right?
Amen!

You're a monster.

Guys, Gordon and I have
to go use the restroom.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.
Yeah, I do. Okay.

Okay, easy.

Boy, the little fellow's
stronger than he looks, huh?

Feisty, isn't he?

You know I don't like
when you snap at me

in front of clients.
Just get in there.

What are you doing?

Do you know why
I'm wearing this tie?

'Cause you don't own a mirror?

25 years ago today,
you bought me this tie.

Oh, yeah. For our first pitch.
Mm-hmm.

The, uh, Progresso
Italian wedding soup.

"I now pronounce you delizioso""

Oh, so that's why Timothy's been
cooking Italian wedding soup.

We were gonna celebrate
tonight with him.

Timothy likes to be included.

So this is why you're
upset with me...

because I forgot our anniversary?
No, I'm upset

because we've changed.
You know, back in the day,

if we didn't like a client,
we didn't take 'em on.

Want to go back in time?

- Mmhmm.
- Step into my time machine.

- Okay.
- We have no clients, right?

We're eating bread sandwiches

because we can't afford
dirt sandwiches.

We're two idiots
with nothing to lose.

But you know
what we weren't? Liars!

We weren't ashamed
of who we were.

I'm not ashamed of who I am.

Really? Tell that
to the old ball and chain.

Or, as you used to call him,
your swimming coach.

Hold on a second.

Speak of the devil.
I guess he's still alive,

unless the raccoon's
pocket-dialing.

Get out!

I want to hear
what he has to say.

No, no, you've lost your chance.
Easy.

Just get the...!
You're hurting me.

There's more where
that came from.

- I can still see you.
- Get out!

And Marvin's guy swears

he can get Lauren out of the
bra as soon as he gets here.

This is a remarkably stupid
predicament.

This is, like,
Brady Bunch level stupid.

As a fan of that show,
I should've known better.

Adriana's leaving.

So... go sit on her!

I don't get paid
to sit on nobody.

Fine.

Adriana, look, you
need to put that...

Whoa. Is that Chanel?

- That is lovely.
- Thank you.

Put that bag back down, please.

Sorry, but you kept me waiting
all day long.

Wait, Adriana, you cannot
get on that elevator!

- We have you for another hour!
- Good-bye.

Didn't you read your contract?

I mean, if you even can read!

What are you saying, tiny lady?

Because I'm a model,
I'm illiterate?

I'm the head
of the Model Book Club.

Model Book Club?

Prove it.

Well, when I think of Kafka's
The Metamorphosis,

two words spring to mind:

"transformative identity."

Yes, the cockroach represents
the ugliness of humanity

surrounded by the
beauty of free will.

Exactly. Sydney,
what do you think

about the final state
of the cockroach?

I'll tell you this much
about the cockroach.

It bugged me. Holla!

But you say you read the book.

I guess I-I missed this one.

I read all of Kafka's
other works.

Name one.

Da Vinci Code?

You're out of Model Book Club!
Damn it!

So, Gordon, where's that

excible little
partner of yours?

Oh, he has some
important business.

Holy cow, high-maintenance,
that one, huh?

It's like having two wives.

Must be everything you can do
to keep him in line, huh?

No, no, not really.
I try not to manage him, so...

Maybe you should start, hmm?

Keep him from wearing
those ugly ties.

Yeah, super ugly!

What-what, he lose
a bet or something?

Hey, you know what?

Just for the record,
I love that tie.

I think it's a great tie.

And I think Simon Roberts
is a great man.

Been on a call. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry!

I've been a horrible partner.

I've been ignoring your needs,

and I've been putting
the client before you.

Well, not anymore... because
from this moment on,

I am recommitting myself.

You and I are going to be

partners forever,
the way it used to be.

I want that, too, Gordie!

- He's still on the line.
- Yeah, I got that.

Timothy?

Okay, stop crying.

You know what? You cry.

- Let him cry.
- You be who you are, okay?

You cry all you want.

He loves you, too.

Yeah, I sure will.

This is from Timothy,
you big lug.

Oh...

From me, too.
I love you, big guy.

Love you, too.

Did I just make this weird?

No, I think we were
already there.

Ah. Uh-huh.
Okay.

So, I guess we're
done here, huh?

No! No, no, no, no.

Your personal business
is your personal business.

Yeah, yeah, I mean,
you're going to hell.

Oh, you're definitely
going to hell.

But so's every other
agency we've been to.

Sure.

So, if we gotta pick
the best of the worst...

Might as well be them.

So, you fruitcakes
want to sell some pies?

Why is the pencil wiggling?

That's just an optical illusion.

Not real magic.

It's the end of the road, pal.

I've lost my touch.
I'm no one.

Oh, stop it.

By the morning, the
models will all be gone

and you'll be back
to one-night stands,

making out and
popping off bras.

What did you just say?

Making out and
popping off br...

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Okay, I can do this,

but we have to make out first.

That's how I've always gotten
bras off before.

Yeah, muscle memory.
That's plausible.

Unless you're not cool with it.

Because I know that we're in
a non-hooking-up phase.

Just do it!
Okay.

Oh. Remember the bra.

The models are leaving!

What's taking so long?
In ten...

The bra, the bra!
It's not working!

.nine, eight...
Cool heads, calm hands.

Should I undo the red or the blue first?
...seven...

The red or the blue? The red.
No... six...

five, four...
I'm not sure!

Oh, no! Do the red!
...three...

Just do the red!
...two...

one!
Pop it!

Now, that's magic.

Oh, give that to me!
Ta-da!

Okay, we got it!

Let's do this.

And if I say no?

Then you won't get
to wear this scarf!

Oh, my gosh!
Where do they come from?

I love this trick!

Magic!

All right, ladies.

Look, I may not be

as freakishly tall as you

but I write the checks
around here.

So purses down,

bras out,
and let's sh**t this mother.

♪ Your feelings change
like the weather ♪

♪ Went from clear to gray
on that cloudy day ♪

♪ How can I go on
with that b*mb in the palm? ♪

♪ Love's so hard to find
when someone's on your mind ♪

♪ Listen, baby... ♪

I see we came
at the right time.

Everything go okay?

Easy. No problems at all.
How was lunch?

Fantastic, smooth sailing.

I'm lying. I briefly lost
the $10 million bra

and the models
made me feel stupid.

It was the worst day of my life.

Well, your father told
the clients to go to hell,

and then he set the lobsters
free in the restaurant.

They made it as far
as the dog park,

and then things got ugly.

Oh, here's an unlikely
turn of events.

Hmm? Timothy wants
to keep the raccoon.

Oh, that's sweet.

How big you think
they make those wings?

Come on. You'd look like
a big, gay hummingbird.

That is a raccoon.
That's a big 'un, yeah.

- Listen, that's okay.
- I'm sorry. Let me go back.

That's okay.
Yeah, he's going back.

- Believe me,
he's meaner. - Okay.

I can't get out.