01x15 - Dead and Improved

[bunniefuu]

MAN: ♪ You love the taste,
you love the sounds ♪

♪ A simple treat
that's so profound ♪

ALL: ♪ You put the snap,
crackle, pop in your soul ♪

♪ It only takes one bowl

Six, seven, eight...

♪ You got to have the crackle,
don't give up on the pop ♪

♪ Then snap is undeniably
snappin' at the top ♪

♪ You put the snap,
crackle, pop in your soul ♪

♪ It only takes one bowl ♪

♪ Rice Krispies. ♪

That was fantastic.
You made a 50-year-old jingle

sound like a Gold Record.
(laughs)

I actually have a Gold Record.

- Have two Platinums.
- Grammy.

- Dad?
- Honey...

we just laid down
the track and it was perfect.

All before Doris Jingle-Writer
even got here.

- Yeah, Conrad's not gonna make it.
- It's a bummer, honey,

I'm gonna miss his cheerleading.

"It's not a jingle,
you buffoon, it's a journey,

and your singers are taking us on
a detour through Crapasylvakia."

Dad, he's dead.

He d*ed in his sleep
last night.

Melora's in your office.

- Oh.
- Wow.

He went quick.

It was a blessing, I suppose.

Certainly for all those
who knew him.

Save for me, of course.
I'm wrought.

- SIMON: How did he go?
- The doctors think it was his heart.

Ironic, considering how
little mileage he put on it.

Are you okay?

Yes. Looking at you now,

I suddenly remembered how much
my father disliked short people.

He had faults.
They were many.

Would you do his eulogy?

- Say what?
- I know, it's a challenge.

People didn't like him
***

But I knew him better
than anyone in the world, and...

his life deserves
to be celebrated.

I, me.
You want me to eulogize,

uh, like, as in...

"Alas, poor Conrad, I..."
Well, no...

What about your mother?

Or your stepmother?
Or any one of your stepmothers.

All tickled he's dead.

- Aha.
- Isn't there any other family?

Just my godfather...

- Perfect.
- ...which is you.

No, no, what, no,
I'm... I'm not... no...

That's for real?
I thought he was joking.

I'd eulogize him myself if I thought
I could hold myself together

but as you can see,
I am a basket case.

Honey, I can assure you
your father would not want me

to speak at his funeral.

The only thing he could
ever say about me was

"Simon Roberts is
an untalented hack."

And he always made
the "hack" noise. It was ugly.

Do you know what he told me
about you, Simon?

He said you get
the song in life.

- He said that about me? - That you
had a way of making people feel

invited to the dance.

- I remember he hated dancing.
- And music. And people.

And feet.

Wait, how could he hate music?
He wrote jingles.

Happy jingles, jingles
that snap, crackled and popped.

I truly think
there was a happy man

deep, deep, deep down there,

looking to get out.

He never did.

- Never. - I want his life
to be celebrated,

at least for one day.
Please, Simon.

- Mm-hmm.
- He was my father.

- No, no, Melora...
- Wait for it.

For what?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

(imitates Marlon Brando):
As godfather,

I'll do what I can, Connie.

If he sleeps with the fishes,
I'll make sure he sleeps well.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

FEMALE VOICE:
Honey...

Oh... sweet mother
of softness.

Paws off, pal.

Just one squeeze?

Just enjoy it with your eyes.

Please tell me what you saw.

Tell you what we saw?
Tell me what you saw.

Well, I saw two bears,
very evolved.

I might add most just go in
the woods, and don't use...

Even Yogi, who was smarter
than the average bear...

You. What's your name?

Still Lauren.
What'd you see?

Well, mama bear, papa bear...

Exactly. Yes.

Mama bear, papa bear,
where's the baby bear?

Why no baby bear?
Tell me. You.

Well, uh, maybe baby bear is either
still in Huggies, or... Bad answer.

Did not please me. Bad answer.
Got it.

I want a baby bear.

And I want it... to be pink.
Hm?

A pink baby.
They shouldn't all be blue.

He got the diversity memo.

And I want to do another spot
without any bears at all,

but with people...
real human beings people.

Brilliant.
Should we first test it

with non-human beings people?

Real human beings people.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Sweet human being
mother of softness

with human being, sexy people.

Like you. Like you.
Not you.

- It's lunacy.
- Why?

It worked for bears,
why shouldn't it

work for people, like
the real human being kind?

It shouldn't have
worked for bears.

Bears go in the woods.
Hey, Simon,

uh, I'm so sorry,
I'm having a little trouble

with the Charmin account.

Really?
Want to trade projects?

Deal. What do I got? A dead
masochistic jingle writer.

You're doing the eulogy. No, no, listen.
Wait, wait, wait.

Toilet paper for Conrad?
Trust me, it's an even swap.

What's an even swap?
Oh, Melora. This is Andrew.

He'll be doing
your dad's eulogy.

He is our go-to
vulnerability guy.

Did he know my father?
Not at all.

Which gives him
a leg up, really.

But I want you to do it. But no one
evokes sympathy more than Andrew.

I mean, look at that face.

He's like a poster child for sad.
I don't want sad.

I want pomp,
I want circumstance.

I want my father
celebrated and rebranded...

- Andrew can do...
- ...as beloved.

I'm sorry, did you say beloved?

Yes, beloved.

Honey, I'm good,
but not that good.

Yes, you are.

This is my father
we're talking about.

He wrote so many
jingles for you.

You knew him.
There was a rumor

you once liked him some.

Wait for it, here it comes.

Melora, look...
Oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, wow.

ANDREW:
It's like a lip seizure.

Oh... Ooh, it's
a-ripplating, up and down.

Look at that lip quiver. Just,
tick-a, tick-a, tick-a, tick-a...

Oh, God, oh, God, just...
Stop, stop it.

Okay, okay, I said
I'll do it; I'll do it.

And I want it to be kick-ass.

Pomp, circumstance. It'll be the
most kick-ass funeral ever.

By the time you're finished,
I want him unrecognizable.

I'm gonna give that
miserable son of a bitch

the best damn funeral
he doesn't deserve.

Yay, dead guy!

Okay. Just a little too soon.

ANDREW:
Oh, yeah.

- That felt wrong.
- Yeah, a little respect.

Before we even resume...

who's dead?

I'm sorry?

Don't play dumb
with me, scarecrow.

Somebody around here croaked.

It wasn't the Budweiser Frog.

You people are pitching some
big funeral campaign.

We want in on that.

- You want in on a funeral?
- Oh, you betcha.

I am sick of getting
our asses wiped by Kleenex

in the ancillary markets.
There is no reason

people can't be drying
their eyes with Charmin.

Well, first, this figures
to be a tear-free funeral.

I don't care.
And second,

since Kleenex has
respectfully stayed out

of the bottom hygiene market...

I don't like you. since Kleenex
has Now that's official. out

If people are crying

at a Lewis, Roberts & Roberts
sponsored event,

I damn well want to see rolls
of Charmin being passed around.

Do I make myself clear?

(chuckles)
Shouldn't we be getting back

to the sweet, yummy...

No.

Right now my focus
is on off-label usage.

I want what Kleenex has.

People need to wipe
their glasses?

Why not Charmin?

Blow your nose?
Why not Charmin?

Remove a little makeup.
Why not Charmin?

Stuff your bra before the prom.

Why not Charmin?

Why not...

Charmin?

I just did a first pass
at the eulogy.

I'll test it with a focus group,
see if it needs any punch-up.

Our social media campaign
is on fire.

His death notice has gotten tons
of "Likes" on the Facebook page.

Yeah, we hired a rocking choir
for the church.

It'll be so fun,
people will say

why couldn't he have
d*ed years ago?

Sounds fantastic.

Totally.
Like with any campaign,

it's very important we get
to know the product first.

In this case...

The man. Yeah, the man.
The man. Who da man?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Who dat? Who dat?

Oh, this is so much fun.

We'll put the "fun" in
"funeral." Uh, okay.

Let's talk about some of the
things that he did. Mm-hmm.

And who he did them to?
Nice things.

Like, was he involved
in any charities?

He sued the March of Dimes once.
Oh. Excellent.

"Active
in philanthropic community."

What were his loves?

Uh...

Hates?

Flowers, puppies,
birds chirping.

Okay. Maybe we should go
to the box.

Okay. These are
the family photos?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I picked out
my father's happiest moments.

Oh, wonderful.

Oh. Wow.

He's not smiling
in any of these.

He also hated smiles.
We should add that to the list.

Against smiles... good. Well,
this should be a piece of cake.

And cake. Hated cake.
Sorry.

Syd, we just got a call from
Payson's bosses at Charmin.

Is there a problem?

Well...

Am I right? Am I right?

It looks right.
People get nosebleeds

a lot, especially kids.
They get 'em all the time.

They stuff 'em with cotton.
Well, why... not...

Charmin! Charmin? Andrew, Zach,

may I borrow you guys
for a second?

Sorry, Mitchell.

Of course. Go ahead.

I'm only the client.

(sighs) So, we just got a call

from Charmin. It seems our exec
has gone a bit rogue.

Mmm. Evidently, his wife
left him yesterday.

Has he been
acting strange at all?

No. Seems fine.
Not at all.

Okay, well, we're told he no
longer speaks for the company,

so you guys are gonna have
to terminate the meeting.

Ooh, who's gonna break that ns?

Um...

Gosh, I'm terrible
at confrontation,

and don't argue with me about it
because I'm gonna lose.

And I'm not good
at telling people things

they don't want to hear.

In fact, I don't
even believe in that.

Fine, ladies.

Mitchell.

Hey... You're outside
on a baking hot day.

You forgot your sunscreen.
Why not Charmin?

Mitchell, I've been notified
by your superiors

to terminate this meeting.

They say that you've been
a bit erratic.

Why did they say that?

I know that your wife left you.
I-I'm sure this is a very

difficult time. I certainly see no
reason to bring my personal life

into this. We are professionals.

Uh, Mitchell...

I would like a moment, please.

Uh, of course.
If there's anything...

I would like a moment.

You got it.

Overall, the test audience
really liked the eulogy.

Oh, good.
Yeah.

But not Conrad.
Ah.

Only 23% of respondents say
they would have dinner with him,

were he... alive.

Well, that's not terrible.

More than he had
when he was alive.

Yeah, but usually,
there's a postmortem swell.

You're forgetting
about the death bounce.

What do I have to do?

Well, get some corroboration,
for starters.

Studies suggest that people
need to hear something

from two separate sources...

or Morgan Freeman... before
it becomes an inherent truth.

- Can we get Morgan Freeman?
- No, but we can get Fred Melamed.

Mr. Voiceover.
He's in the building laying down

a track for La-Z-Boy. Go tell
him to get his lazy boy ass

up here ASPCA. He loves animals.

He'll do it for the beast
known as Conrad.

Call him.
Tell him it's urgent.

(deeply):
If Fred says it, it is so.

Hey, Dad. Little... situation.

What now?

Mitchell.

Simon. Family good?

Can't complain. You're naked.

Fantastic, isn't it?

(chuckles) Really good. Amazing.

I've decided to shed my
clothes, if not my skin.

I have come to the do-over
fork in life's road, Simon.

After you're done
rebranding the dead guy,

I'd like you to remake me. Well,

Mitchell, I...
I want...

I want to be noticed.

I'd say mission accomplished.

The meek do not inherit.
That's a big lie.

You know that, don't you?

I do now.
It's the noisy

who prosper, the ones who draw
attention to themselves.

I don't have to tell you.

You splatter yourself
on the wall,

paint this bigger-than-life
perception and it works,

doesn't it?

There you are.

Maybe we should talk
about this in my office.

Like the Old Spice guy.

I'm on a horse,
you're on a wall.

The elevator, no less.

The ups and downs of life.

Mitchell... Well, it's
my turn, damn it.

I want to be on a horse,
I want to be on a wa.

It is my turn
to be somebody I'm not.

(deep, resonant): "In
a world..." Fred...

my office.

(quietly):
Deal with this.

Really? I'm such a non-nude kind of guy.
Deal with it.

Hey... Mitchell. Do you want

to head into the...
No.

Okay. How 'bout an extra layer?

No.

I want to be someone I'm not.

Quackenbush.

Know what I'm talking about?

Not a clue.
Exactly. Uh,

if I were to walk up to a
stranger on the street and say

"Quackenbush,"
they'd give me exactly the...

stare I'm seeing now.

But if I were to say "Charmin,"

that shouts something.

It shouts, "World's softest
bathroom tissue,

ultra soft,
ultra strong."

And that is a product

you helped bring
to mankind, Mitchell.

And with it,
its underlying message:

"Enjoy the go."

Think about that.
Finally,

just... enjoying the go.

Are you out
of your dinky little mind?

Come on, you're a voiceover guy.

Anything you say
will sound good.

Yeah. Syphilis.

Ah, it's like music.

Fred, just a few kind words.

Sure, $10,000. To say something nice
about a guy at his own funeral?

Simon, is this not
the height of phonyism?

No, I'm taking it
to a new height.

Well, well, well.

Hello.

Fred, this is
Conrad's daughter Melora.

"In a dark and empty cavern
of despair,

"one man stood alone

"like a mountain,
waiting to be scaled

by the weak and vulnerable."

Does that actually work?

Oh, you have no idea.

So, it'll be cash or check.
I don't take credit cards.

Wear the ascot.
Why?

Why does anyone wear an ascot?

So, how we doing?
Well, as assignments go...

I really don't care
if you just make it up, Simon.

That's fine. Well,
sweetheart, listen,

in advertising,
a hack starts with a lie

and then builds the ad. A good
adman starts with the truth

and then builds to the lie.
So if you dig somewhere

deep down there,
there's still a kernel of truth.

But the deeper I dig
with your dad,

it's just...
No, don't...

You're talking about a
man I loved very much.

I know, but... Just
give me a spectacle,

Simon. That's all I ask.

Whether it's a lie or...
I just want a spectacle.

For once, I want my father

in the same room
as the word "wow."

Wow.

(exhales)

- On a scale of one to ten...
- General Patton.

- Oh, God.
- Over and over.

Remember, no bastard ever won
a w*r by dying for his country.

He won the w*r by making

some other poor dumb bastard
die for his country.

Hey, honey. I love the smell
of Patton in the morning.

Dad?

You know I'm just getting
fired up, you know.

Big speech,
got to get in the zone,

be uplifting, inspiring.

Salvation time.

Are you really nervous
about this?

I mean, you're a showman.
What's the big deal?

Um...

You want to talk?

Yeah.

Let's sit down.

You know, when I'm
selling a product,

whether it's Pringles, laxatives
or erectile dysfunction,

you know what I'm
really selling?

Myself. My personality.

All my nonsense and...

Yeah, which you're full of,
so what's the problem?

Well, I always believed
in myself.

Meaning?

Meaning that maybe
there was some naked truth

in what naked Mitchell said.

I am this big artifice
of perception.

They throw a bigger-than-life
image of myself on that wall,

and people end up buying it.

What are they buying really?

Do you really feel this way?

I don't know.
You know,

funerals force a man
to ponder his legacy.

And what's mine, really?

I'm good at selling crap.

Wow. Stop the presses.

Daddy...

You always say that
when you know I need it.

Come on.

You remember the old David
Ogilvy story? Yeah.

Blind man, it's springtime,
and I cannot see?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, well, with you,
it's not just

that it's always springtime.

You have a way of making
everyone else see it, too.

You're not really worried
about your legacy, are you?

Smoke and mirrors, baby.

No.

You're awesome.

And you don't need to sell that.

Now, come on!

Right. We have a kick-ass
funeral to throw.

Yeah. Let's do this.

♪ Whatever
you're going through ♪

♪ God ♪
♪ God's gonna see you through ♪

♪ Hold on ♪
♪ Hold on ♪

♪ And don't give up ♪
♪ Give up, give up ♪

♪ Whatever
you're going through ♪

♪ Whatever you're going
through ♪
♪ God will ♪

♪ God's gonna see you through ♪

♪ Hold on ♪
♪ Hold on ♪

♪ And don't give up ♪
♪ Give up, give up ♪

♪ The road gets so rough ♪

♪ The road gets so rough... ♪

I hope I-I am
not crashing.

Oh, no. We encourage walk-ups.
You even get a gift bag.

I... I just didn't
want to be alone.

Plus, there's something oddly
affirmative about you people.

Right? Well, please enjoy
these aloe vera wet wipes

with a decorator container and
one ticket to any AMC near you,

not including IMAX.

Thank you.

Yeah.

♪ The road gets so rough
♪ The road gets so rough... ♪

Such a good turnout.

It is, isn't it?

♪ Hold on ♪
♪ And don't give up ♪

♪ Give up ♪
♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on ♪
♪ Hold on ♪

♪ You got to keep praying ♪
♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on ♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ And don't give up ♪

♪ Don't give up! ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪

Okay, go.

What?
I'm the opening act?

Yeah, go, and make it good.

Oh, balls.

(deep, resonant):
In a world

where people constantly seek
to remake themselves

in their ceaseless need
to be popular,

one man marched alone

in his quest to be unliked.

I now give you Simon Roberts.

(scoffs)

("When the Saints
Go Marching In" intro plays)

♪ Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm-mm,
mm-mm-mm-mm ♪

Ten grand for that?

Yes, I'm taking a
flower arrangement, too.

♪ Go marching in ♪
♪ Go marching in, yes ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints
go marching in ♪

♪ Oh-ho-oh-oh, whoa ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, I want ♪
♪ To be ♪

♪ To be in that number ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ When the saints
go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints... ♪

It's a spectacle!

♪ Go marching in ♪
♪ Go marching in ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints
go marching in... ♪

Why didn't you have my back
with the "Yeah, dead guy"?

Clearly, I was on message.

♪ ...be in that number ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ When the saints go ♪

♪ Marching in. ♪

How about that choir, people?

I thought
I saw the box move. Aah!

What can you say about Conrad?

Conrad.

He was a lot of
things to a few people.

He was a loud man
with strong opinions.

Although I didn't
find him attractive,

many of our wives did.

He was a good Jew...
and even better anti-Semite.

But I never judged,

'cause I thought
he had inside information.

Information... there's
so much of it out there.

Everyone Twittering
and Twerking

and rehashtagging.

How much
of that information is true?

How much of what I'm saying
about Conrad is really true?

None of us really knew him.

Except his daughter.

Melora.

You wanted me
to sell your father as beloved.

Well, he was beloved, honey,
by you.

No matter who Conrad
was, or what he did,

you loved him.

There's nothing I can make up
that could really top...

You want the true picture
of a man?

See him
through his daughter's eyes.

That's his legacy.

To be deeply loved,
if not widely.

Truly loved by the one person
that knows you best.

Wow.

That's as good as it gets.

(quiet, teary laugh)

(loud nose-blowing,
sniffling)

(sighs)

If you ever go see
Les Misérables,

there's a line in that play
that's applicable

to the "misérable" in that box.

To love another person is
to see the face of God.

He loved you, honey,
and you loved him.

That's the glory of love.

("The Glory of Love"
intro plays)

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh... ♪

You know, you got
to give a little.

ALL:
Yes!

Take a little.
ALL: That's right.

Let your poor heart
break a little.

CHOIR:
Yeah!

SIMON: That's the
story of, you know?

♪ That's the glory of love ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh... ♪

Sister woman, take it.
Sweet baby, help me out here.

♪ You've got to give a little ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪

You got to give a
little people. Come on,

- give a little.
- ♪ Take a little ♪

Take a little now!

♪ And let your poor heart
break a little ♪

Let your poor heart break a little
for me, now, people, please!

♪ Ah-ah ♪
♪ That's the story of ♪

♪ Ah-ah ♪
♪ That's the glory of love ♪

Come on, now, people.

Time to take him home.

♪ You've got
to laugh a little... ♪

Pallbearers!

Come up here and grab Conrad.

We're gonna blow this
joint... let's go now!

Help him get down, yeah!

Six feet down!

Here we go.

Come on, people.

Give it up for Conrad!
You know the moves!

Join in.
Let's sing him out in style!

Now that's a wow.

My father together with wow.

♪ We've got the world
and all its charm ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ And when the world
is through with us ♪

♪ We've got each other's arms ♪

♪ You've got to ♪

♪ Win ♪
♪ Win a little ♪

♪ Lose ♪
♪ Lose a little ♪

♪ And always have
the blues a little ♪

♪ Ah-ah ♪
♪ That's the glory of love. ♪

Are you in the room, Conrad?

(laughter)

So, how was
the test numbers for Conrad?

They seemed really well.

- WOMAN: And he's gone.
- He's gone. (groaning)

♪ Now, Conrad's on his way
today ♪ (rhythmic clapping)

♪ Now, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna sit and play ♪

♪ Conrad's going deep and down,
Conrad's leaving this old town ♪

♪ Hey, Chi town,
shout it out now ♪

♪ Chi town, shout it out now ♪

♪ Conrad's on his way, yeah ♪

♪ Conrad's
on his way, yeah! ♪

♪ Conrad's on his way. ♪
Get the rights!