01x16 - Zach Mitzvah

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Crazy Ones". Aired: September 26, 2013 – April 17, 2014.*
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Loosely based on the life experiences of John R. Montgomery while he worked at Leo Burnett advertising in Chicago.
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01x16 - Zach Mitzvah

Post by bunniefuu »

That were not just
blowing smoke.

We would love to
work with you.

And not just because your
motel chain

is the largest independently
on the country.

This Bainbridge motels are
part of this country's history.

- My sister's wedding.
- Friendly vacation.

After school job.

Magical prom.

Okay. Flammable.

Pressed wood. Bedbugs.

I have no illusions
about my motels.

They're small, they're cheap
and, until last week,

they were safe
from bear att*cks.

Good, 'cause we were
blowing a lot of smoke.

No, I know! I can see that!
Honesty time, everybody.

Lost my virginity.
Got drunk and barfed.

Roofied my math teacher.

Wow.
I never went to prom.

Oh, kitten.
Well, this is

a good group. I like you guys.

I have to be honest: I am
meeting with other agencies.

We encourage that. Get out there and
listen to other pitches.

We want you to choose
your agency based on merit.

You're joking. Of course I am.
Choose us 'cause we're pretty.

No, the emcee for my son's
bar mitzvah just canceled.

His wife went into premature
labor and blah, blah, blah.

This is a disaster.

No, it's not, Beth.
Look no further.

I happen to know the best bar
mitzvah emcee in all of Chicago.

You do?
Mm-hmm.

So let me hear where
my real chosen people are at!

Yeah, and now

put your hands together
for my main man,

S-S-S-S-Sam Silverberg!

All right, they're feeling it.
DJ, cut the music,

cut the music. It's time to dig
into those pre-plated salads,

everybody. And, remember,
if you want Dr. Z

to visit your bar mitzvah,
clean your plates.

You called yourself
Dr. Z?

I like you in sequins. No.
No, no, no, no. No, no.

We're not just skating over
this tragic geek b*mb

that's just landed in our laps.
It's not a big deal.

I thought I told you about this. I
used to be a bar mitzvah emcee Oh, oh,

and... Yeah. really? I think I actually...
I would've remembered this.

No. I am no advocate
of bullying,

but our friend right here needs
to be mercilessly

tortured by his peers
right now.

Am I right? I am right.
Who's gonna start?

I guess I'm gonna start.
Andrew, Andrew.

I'm sorry, but he was magnificent.
Hmm.

I knew the moment I met
him, he was a star.

You're amazing.

Whose uncle is this?

I'm a Gentile. Happy to be here.
Token goy.

All right.
I want to make you an offer.

Oh.

I just thought he was hitting on me.
Oh...

Dad, are we really gonna pimp
Zach out to land a client?

I mean, what happened
to getting it on our own merit?

Syd, that was a big part of the
biz back in the day. It was fun.

Wooing, schmoozing clients,

getting them to sign before they
passed out on a pile of blow.

Oh, those were the days.
It's sweet

when he stumbles down memory lane.
Yeah. It's adorable.

Sydney, it's a motel chain.
It's a year's work for everyone.

And if we get a second one
and people land on it,

they'll have to pay
us a lot of money.

Wait, that's Monopoly.
But the same rules apply.

What do you say?
Are you in, Race Car?

Here's the thing. Um,
Highland Park has a-a Mm-hmm.

Pretty tight Jewish community.

And it-it might be tricky
to run into some people.

Some people? Just how many Jewish
girls in Highland Park had

to have their "Zach" tattoo
covered with a butterfly? Oh,

fun fact: Jews don't usually
get tattoos.

Another fun fact:

an uncircumcised penis
looks like a dog in a snood.

Really?
There's just

this one girl, a singer.
Please.

As this old rabbi once said
to me, "Women, feh!"

Eh.
Come on.

It's for the agency, Zach.

You're not gonna let me down,
are you, son?

Let you down?
No.

Feh!

Hey! Is he a mensch?

Give me that punim!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

- Beth, I promise you,
- Mm-hmm.

If you use Zachary
as your bar mitzvah emcee,

you'll be the
talk of this town.

Some warm brie? I
think it's kosher.

- Thank you. Well, my son's
name is Noah. - Okay.

We'll get to him. He sounds
great. And it's just gonna be

a real special night for all
of us. My first question is:

who is your bar mitzvah singer?

- Mmm.
- Ooh, I can't remember her name.

If you can try.
We just want to make sure

that you have the best.

- Zoe Gold.
- Oh, God.

Zoe Gold's the best.
We couldn't get her.

- Oh, sorry. That's great.
- I was

furious. I mentioned Zoe
to Jennifer Blume,

and she booked her
for her daughter's bat mitzvah

the very same night.
So unfair.

She already got the good hall.

I can't stand Jennifer Blume
or her chubby daughter.

- It's terrible how big that
child is getting. - She blew up.

The whole mishpocheh's gigantic.

Let's get
to the most important thing.

What's our theme?

Well, after lots
of tears and arguments,

my son and I finally
compromised on...

"Noah Loves Chicago."

I love it!

Never been done before!

Beth, Beth, Beth,
wait, wait a minute.

I just had a vision. Hold on.

We'll have the bar mitzvah here.

How 'bout that? "Noah
Loves Chicago." In here?

He'll be looking out
on all of it!

And I will not have
his sacred night held

in some dank, dark basement.

Well, that's where
he was conceived.

I'm kidding!

It was in one of
my fleabag motels.

I forgot you even had motels.

Some more expensive champagne?

Oh, well, I really shouldn't.

Oh, yes, you should.
Yes!

Now we do bar mitzvahs?

Yeah. What's next?

Renting out this place
for a sorority party,

having a butt-chugging station
in the corner?

Fun fact: it's the best way
to get a buzz

without all the unwanted calories.
Sydney,

that's how we'll land
this account. We take

all the responsibility
for the party,

we get all the credit
for creating the greatest moment

in little Noah's life.

She will so owe us.

I do want a motel.

Syd, come on.

Check me out.
Look at me now.

Sparkle vest.

What's up?
Ooh, robot.

- That's kind of sexy.
- What's going on?

No, no. Fun is fun.
I forbid you to wear this out.

- It's a great vest. - I didn't
raise you to wear sequins.

Life is good. Zach's gonna land us a motel
chain while wearing a sparkly vest.

My heart is full,
my pupik is an outie.

We are gonna party
like it's 5078.

Sydney. ♪ Hora ♪

♪ Let's do the hora,
that funky hora ♪

♪ The dance that Hebrews
love to do, hey! ♪

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen!

I'm your emcee, Dr. Z,
and tonight's prognosis

is fun! Now, I'm here
with my party peppers

to take this party to a
whole new level! But before

we go any further,
I need everybody

to get up out of those seats

and come join us right here
on the dance floor!

Come on, party peppers,
let's go!

All right, Aunt Sadie.

Twerk it, girl! Show me
what you workin' with.

What does he want me to do?

He wants you to twerk
it, Aunt Sadie!

Come on, peppers...

Let it rain, Jonah!

Oh!

You're next, Seymour.

Simon, you really went all out.

Oh, I can't wait to see the look
on Jennifer Blume's face-lift.

Hard to tell with her.
She always looks surprised.

Did you see the hall hockey?
We have a signed stick

that Patrick Kane used
in the hockey ball super game.

Stanley Cup.
Oh. Do you know sports?

- Not really. - Oh, good.
Check this out.

The kids are taking selfies
and live-streaming.

Old people.

And delete.

There's a really cute guy
over there.

I thought you had, like,
a "no facial hair" policy

on that list of yours.

I don't have a list.
Mmm...

Okay, maybe I have a list that
I might possibly have amended

recently to include facial hair.

Well, you're expanding your
horizons, and I'm very proud

of you. Well, if you're
really proud of me,

then make yourself scarce
'cause he's coming this way.

Feed the big dog, Jonah!
Hi.

Was it you or that dude
that was checking out my t*nk?

I'm not judging. I just want to
know who to give my number to.

That might have been me.

Is one of these kids yours? Or
are you, like, the hot cousin?

Hoping for hot cousin.
I'll take hot cousin.

Am I charming you right now?
I feel like I'm charming you

right now. A little bit. A
little bit, yeah. Maybe you want

to take my number now, though. You know,
just in case you're gonna mess it up.

How did you know that's what I do?
Did I hit on you already tonight?

Sydney, can you please
explain to the bartender

that he can serve 13-year-olds
because they're technically men?

I will talk to the bartender.

And you... don't.

I should probably
take care of that.

Yeah, I think you should. You
want to get a drink after this?

Yeah. I would like that.

I'll find you.

I'll be working all night.

You want to watch it
while I walk away?

Check it out.

You like waiter butt, huh?

It's good, right?

And now the guy who wowed
Temple Shir Tikvah

when he sang the haftorah
with no vowels,

put your hands together
for my main man, Noah!

Swarovski, b*tches!

Well, that's new information.
Mm-hmm.

When I agreed
to "Noah Loves Chicago,"

I meant the musical.

I will put on a brave face,

but I am not happy, Beth.

That is one tough broad.

I think maybe I pushed the theme
in the wrong direction.

Oh, Noah's so hard to please.

Really?
But, Simon,

Mm-hmm. if this party
is any indication

of how you'll handle
my account, Uh-huh.

Well, then...

Suspenseful.

I hate to be that person,
but should you be doing that?

Yeah, I know. I try
to stay away from dairy,

but these things are crazy good.
I stashed a bunch

in a drawer in that office.

W... But that's my office.

Well, then I know who to
blame if any of them are gone.

You got to try one.

No, I don't want one.
Come on!

Be adventurous. You don't try
things. That's your problem.

I don't have a problem. You got a whole
drawer full of stolen appetizers.

I'd say you got all
kinds of problems.

Ants, at the very least.

Try it.
No, don't feed me, okay?

Feed the other people.
A-And if you feel the need

to feed yourself... I don't
know... maybe try new food.

You got a problem with
recycling? Don't bring your beef

with Mother Earth
into Noah's special day.

Let me ask you something.

We still having
that drink later?

No.

'Cause I'm a waiter?

No.

Because you're a bad waiter.

Hey. Eyes up here.

This? Not for you.

♪ I gotta feeling ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be
a good night... ♪

Should not be eating those.

Okay. We're gonna do
the blessing over the bread,

then dinner,
then the candle lighting.

Then we are gonna rock
this thing out. Yeah.

All right? And if we run
into any trouble, just shout,

"Hora." I've never met a Jew
that can resist a festive dance.

I love it, it's like a "Chicken
Dance" for the Gentiles.

Exactly. All right, now,
where's my singer? Oh, wow.

- The band started. - Good news.
On this holy day,

God chose to give Jennifer
Blume's daughter appendicitis.

I snagged Chicago's

number one bar mitzvah singer.

♪ I know
that we'll have a ball ♪

♪ If we get down and go out ♪

♪ And just lose it all,
I feel... ♪

Zoe Gold.
Oh, you know her?

Yeah.

♪ Let's go away to outer space ♪

♪ And we're losing all control ♪

♪ Fill up my cup ♪

♪ Mazel tov ♪

♪ Look at her dancing ♪

You okay, pal? Mm-hmm.
♪ Just take it off. ♪

Okay, wait, this cannot
be the first time

you've faced
someone you've dumped.

I mean, how bad was this one?

What, did she stalk you?
Make Darjeeling

out of your toenail clippings?
Please tell me she sent you

a jar of her own tears.

Oh, there were
definitely tears.

♪ We walked on the beach,
you held my hand ♪

♪ We made love
in your parents' minivan ♪

♪ Zoe ♪

Hey.

My dad's gonna turn the
sprinklers on in two minutes.

What?

I stand here astonished.
All right,

not only were you
a bar mitzvah geek,

but you were also a big baby over a girl.
You've got levels. Levels.

Oh, my God. I was such a wreck
when she broke up with me,

I didn't wash my hair for
three days. Except for maybe

some dry shampoo and
a little product.

How long is your regime?
I just wanted to know why,

you know? Why would she break
up with me when it was perfect?

- We were so in love. And then...
- it's over.

It's like I'm back there, right now.
I need to know why.

I'm gonna go out there, I got
to find out... No, you are not.

You do not want to know why.
There is no good answer

to that question. Zach,
what are you doing in here?

The Jews are wandering.

I need my Moses.
It's getting biblical out there.

I'm running out of mazel! Don't you leave
me out there with my schmekel in my hand.

You want to get through this?

Yeah. Forget she's out there.
You don't look her in the eye.

That'll just
light the flame anew.

No eye contact.
You come with me, okay?

You act as cool as a freak
sideways-moonwalking

in sequin socks thinks he can be.
All right.

Hey, good moves on that
dance floor, kid.

That's my Zach Cropper.

Let me get this straight.
You fired Facial Hair

because you didn't want
to go out with him?

No, she fired him
because he was a waiter.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Why are you guys talking
about me like I'm not here?

Well, because we
don't want to call you

- a snob to your face.
- Not at a party.

I am not a snob.
I'm a germaphobe, maybe.

Besides, I'm pretty sure
that it is not kosher

to mix saliva and dairy,
so he pretty much fired himself.

- Oh. - Oh. Looks like
he's rehired himself.

Goat cheese tarts? They come
highly recommended by me.

Wha... If you take that,
you're validating him.

What are you still doing here?

I'm waitering pro bono now.

I have a really
great work ethic.

He's challenging her.
I like this.

- Tell me your name.
- Owen.

- I'm on Team Owen.
- Me, too.

What about Team Me? Why
isn't anyone on Team Me?

Why do I always get
picked last for that team?

She fired me 'cause
she's embarrassed

she was checking out
waiter butt.

- She's such an asses-classist.
- That's what we were saying.

You're done.

I am outsourcing your job...

to Team Me.

You saw that, right?

- She did it again.
- Absolutely.

- Totally did it again.
- She did it again.

That's some jersey.

Beth's idea.

Ah. I love her, but we
fight like sisters.

It's like Freud said, "If it's not
one thing, it's your mother."

- I don't know who that is.
- Good.

Tonight's just one night.

But you're gonna
have a great life.

I see you restoring
a townhouse in Highland Park,

summering on Fire Island,

eventually adopting
Vietnamese twins

and having a family
of your own.

Lose the jersey.
It's not you.

♪ Yeah, come on,
party people... ♪

Oh, yeah.
You feelin' it, Jaden?

I feel something.

Ah!
Hey.

Oh, hey.

Lauren.
I am flying.

Is it weird I got high
with some of the kids?

Very.
Jewish chronic rules.

That singer I told you about,
she's on break, right?

The one who dumped you and
you went all Taylor Swift on?

Mm-hmm.
She's right behind you.

Zach.

Zoe.

Okay, I did not know
you were gonna be here.

I thought you left the business
when that guy picked you up

at that bar mitzvah.

He's my boss now,

and, uh, I'm just
doing him a favor.

Okay, but are we okay?
Because the last time I saw you

at that Stop & Shop,
you cried into a bushel of kale.

Because of the prices.

Just... promise me
this won't get weird.

Weird?

How would it get weird?

♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪

♪ Papa, can you see me? ♪

What happened, Zoe?

♪ Papa, can you find me ♪ Why wouldn't
you tell me why you broke up with me?

I loved you so much.

♪ In the night? ♪

Just stop it, just shut up.

Hora!
♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila, ve nismekha ♪

Let's leave the last one
unlit, Aunt Sadie.

In honor of words,

words left unsaid.

Oy.

Hora!

♪ Hava nagila, Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila... ♪

♪ Day that this boy
became a man ♪

♪ Was when we made love
in your parent's minivan ♪

♪ Zoe ♪

Hora!

Again with the hora? When the spirit
moves you, you got to go with the flow.

Praise Moses!

Sydney.

What the hell's
wrong with Zach?

I don't know. But I'm
starting to think

coke and hookers
might've been easier.

Now you're dancing?

You fired me.

You're not the boss
of what I do in my free time.

He's got a point.
Why are you on his side?

All I care about
is your happiness.

It's a mitzvah.
Am I right, Lauren?

Can you guys tell I'm high?

Yeah.
Yup.

I know it wasn't the sex,
because that was good.

But was it too good? Did it
make you question yourself?

I'm not doing this.

I will leave you alone if
you just tell me what happened.

Nothing happened.

Zoe, we were so in love.
No, you were.

For me it was just fun.
I never loved you, Zach.

I got to get out of here.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hey!

There go the Cohens.

I see 'em. And the
Cohens from Northbrook,

and the Cohens from Deerfield.

This is the worst bar mitzvah
ever. Thank you, Simon.

Trust me, Beth,
I can turn this around.

A similar thing happened when we
threw a party for Ben & Jerry's

- in '81, minus the peyote pizza.
- Where is your emcee?

Someone needs to keep these
people from leaving.

Don't worry your
pretty little punim.

I know just what to do.

And in these olden times, it
was a dream of every young boy

to one day study the Torah.
But it was also the dream

of a 45-year-old woman,
so she passed herself off

as a younger woman. Pretended to be
a 14-year-old boy with payos envy.

What the hell
is he talking about?

Let him talk, Aunt Sadie, this
is finally getting interesting.

And she was in love with
Amy Irving... no, no, wait...

We still having that drink later?
My father is reading from

- the book of Yentl right now.
I can't do this. - I'll leave

if you just admit that you
fired me partly because

you're too embarrassed to have
a drink with a mere waiter.

You know what? I would
totally date a waiter.

But I would date a good one.

Not one who hovers
over guests' food

like a-a buzzard circling
the carcass of a polar bear.

Tell me, where
is this dreamy land

that has both buzzards
and polar bears? Narnia?

Oh, shut up. You know what I mean.
I would never date a snob

who wouldn't date a waiter. Oh. Well,
that would make you a double snob,

because you're too snobby to date a snob.
Not a thing.

Totally a thing.
Let me guess.

You see yourself
with some brain surgeon

who likes to sip fine wine and
read the poems of Pablo Neruda.

He sounds great.
Do you have his number?

No, but I have yours,

and I wouldn't date you either.

Huh. Reverse snob.

Regular snob.
Waiter.

Ice queen.
Great ass.

Better ass. You want
to make out with me

right now, don't you?
No. Shut up...

Yes.

And Amy Irving was
in love with her.

But she was in love
with Mandy Patinkin,

who one day left the shul

and went off to fight terrorism
with Claire Danes.

I found Zach.
Am I whispering?

No.
I forgot how to whisper.

Aunt Sadie...

Take it away. Mazel tov, Noah.

This is about a girl?

We're about to lose an
account because of a girl?

Hey, as a woman, I'm offended.

As a stoned woman,
do you remember

that show Charles in Charge?
Not at all.

I can't breathe. It wasn't
just some woman, Simon.

She was the one.

And she broke his heart.
Oh, Zach, I'm sorry.

She said she didn't love me.
I love you.

What is she, unhinged?

Did she escape from an asylum?

Or from the Island
of Dr. Moreau?

Was she half cheetah?
Am I half cheetah?

Will someone get her a coffee?
One coffee, coming up.

Why wouldn't she love me?
Oh, who knows?

Sometimes you never find out why
something didn't work out.

It just didn't.

Hey, Zach, I'm sorry
I pushed you into doing this.

Oh, my God, look at that kid.

He's miserable.

I made this night
about me. I-I...

It should have been about him.

You know what made me
the best bar mitzvah emcee?

I never left the kid unhappy.

You know what?
Let's make the kid the client.

Let's give him
something to remember.

I can fix this.
Follow my lead.

But stay out of my light.

And he's back.

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Come on, babe, we're gonna
brush the sky ♪

♪ I betcha Lucky Lindy
never flew so high ♪

♪ 'Cause in the stratosphere,
how could he lend an ear ♪

♪ To all... ♪

♪ That... ♪

♪ Jazz? ♪

Thank you, Simon.

Oh, please, it's like he was
born with backup dancers.

He's got his father's
eyes and his father's

boyfriend's love of dance.

Oh, there's another clue.

So what happened
with Weird Beard?

You don't want to know.

Oh, my God.

She has her mother's bladder.
Owen, wait,

I-I'm so sorry. I mean,
I know I fired you twice, but

I just meant it in a power-mad
flirty kind of way. Listen,

don't worry about making me lose the job.
Thank you.

That'll free you up
to feel really bad

about making me lose my home.

I was actually staying
on my manager's couch.

Oh, I feel terrible. Um...
Yeah.

Just tell me, what can I do?

Do you have a couch?

Or an unusually
comfortable chair?

♪ No, I'm no one's wife, but ♪

♪ Oh, I love my life ♪

♪ And all... ♪

♪ That... ♪

♪ Jazz... ♪

♪ That jazz! ♪

Your son's a man.

He's a fabulous man.
Oh.

Mazel tov.

Zach Cropper's all grown up.

- So, my son's name is Noah. - We'll
get to him. He sounds so great.

And I just... I can't wait
to spend the night with him...

at the bar mitzvah. The first thing I
want to know is...

- What kind of place is this? - He'll
really be a man that night.

"I can't wait to spend

the night with your son"?

Eh-lo-hey-nu-
meh-lech-hello!
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