♪ Upbeat theme playing ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
♪ Everlasting Love by Love Affair ♪
♪ Open up your eyes ♪
♪ Then, you'll realize ♪
♪ Here I stand... ♪
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
Mom? Mom? Mom! Mom!
Will you turn that thing off?
I don't know how much longer
I can watch you sensually dance
with a teddy bear!
Ooh, what's that, Teddy?
You think he should pay
for his own college?
Oh, good idea.
You know, your dad got me one of these
on our very first Valentine's Day
as a couple.
Even before he and I got together,
he had a soft spot for Valentine's Day.
I'm just saying,
Valentine's Day is the worst.
Wait, you're grumpy
about Valentine's Day?
What a total curveball!
Do you think it's a "Hallmark holiday"?
Yeah! I do. It's just an excuse for the
greeting card and chocolate companies...
[booing] Alright! Alright.
Not exactly a hot take, man.
Yeah, next, you're gonna say that
TikTok is shortening our attention span.
It is! Our generation
can't even focus...
I don't care what you think,
Love Grinch!
Hannah's en route to the city,
and we are gonna Valentine the crap
out of each other all night long.
I love Valentine's Day, too. Every year,
I spend it with
the hottest piece in the city.
This little smoke show right here.
Damn right, she does.
Valentine's Day is our day.
We call it...
BOTH: Svalentine's Day!
Sorry, isn't that what we all call it,
but with less spitting?
No! It's Svalentine's.
Like Sophie and Valentina's
Valentine's Day.
Svalentine's.
Is it a fresher take
if I hate Svalentine's Day?
I hate this stupid holiday.
- [thud]
- Hey, bud. What the hell is this?
It's supposed to be
Rachel's Valentine's Day gift.
Because nothing says "I love you"
like a romantic candlelight dinner
under a nude frozen likeness
of the woman you love.
But Rachel's aunt broke her hip,
so she went to Florida to help.
Oh, what a sweetheart.
I know! She's extremely caring!
Sorry. Sorry.
I was really excited for our
first Valentine's Day together,
and now it's ruined.
Does it make you feel better
to know that I've had
a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad
Valentine's Day before, too?
Aw, sweetie, no.
Why would hearing about your misfortune
make me feel any better?
Aw. [laughs]
Just kidding. It totally would.
Tell me, tell me, tell me!
[laughs]
Okay. I was years old.
I was making cards for all
the important people in my life.
My mom, my mom's boyfriend, Steve,
my favorite NSYNC member,
Chris Kirkpatrick,
Ruthie and Teck from
The Real World: Hawaii.
[scoffs] Stop right there.
A pre-puberty story doesn't count.
Heartbreak before
your period isn't real.
Oh, okay. Uh, I'm gonna think
of a different one.
Ooh! When I was .
Uh, no. You hang up first.
I'm not hanging up first!
It's your turn to hang up first.
You go first.
Next!
Okay, uh, I'll go. Alright.
Um... [clears throat]
My worst St. Valentine's.
Uh, the year was ,
and I was a besotted young lad
on a hunting trip in Norfolk
with my family
and my girlfriend, Jacinda Astley.
♪ Classical music playing ♪
We were staying at Houghton Hall,
the estate of my family's dear friends,
David and Rose, the Marquess
and Marchioness of Cholmondeley.
There was a crisp breeze that afternoon,
so I went to close the window.
But the curtains, well, were fluttering
so playfully in the draft
that in the end, I couldn't bear to end
their delightful curtain dance.
Oh, my God! We are telling
Valentine's stories in a bar,
not doing set dec for soft-core p*rn.
Well, if you're such a masterful
storyteller, please, regale us.
I would, but all my V-Days
have been straight-up bangers.
Ooh, what about Brendan?
Who's Brendan? Did he suck?
- Ooh. Did he call women "females"?
- Well,
it was freshman year of college.
Sophie and I hadn't met yet,
and I thought I was gonna be
the next Lady Gaga.
Brendan was a graphic design major
I'd been dating for a couple of months.
Hi! I'm Valentina.
Sophie Tompkins.
Is today your favorite holiday
because of your name?
That would be like if
I was... Halloweena!
[awkward laugh]
Not sure exactly what you're on,
but you should have some water.
Great tip. Thanks. [nervous laugh]
Are you surprising your boyfriend
with a Valentine's Day gift, too?
Yeah. [laughs]
It's pictures of my butt.
Like, you sat on a copy machine?
No...
Can I be honest with you?
You could do so much better than Todd.
Todd? Ew! He's legit
the grossest man I've ever met.
♪ Rock music playing ♪
Harsh.
Did you ladies come here
just to insult me?
'Cause if you did...
you mind putting these on
and let me turn my webcam on first?
Turns out, Todd was developing
a glam rock musical version
of Charlotte's Web.
It was actually pretty good.
So, if you aren't here for Todd...
And you're not here for Todd...
SOPHIE: We kissed the same guy?!
VALENTINA: We slept with the same guy?!
Brendan! Legend!
BOTH: Shut up, Todd!
♪
That lying sack of crap!
That smarmy little ass-clown!
Oh, that sleazy d*ck-nosed bastard!
Oh, that butthead!
Are you the Amish exchange student
I heard about?
What? No. I could do better.
That jerk! Oh!
And his hair looks so dumb.
No. His hair looks cool.
He was bald by junior year. Hm.
Sometimes, God is good.
Brendan sucks,
and we have got to break up with him.
Oh, we are going to do
way more than break up with him.
We're gonna get revenge.
God, I find being
around you exhilarating.
[giggles]
VALENTINA: So we grabbed our bats
and went to town on Brendan's bike.
♪ I dug my key into the side ♪
♪ Of his pretty little souped-up
four-wheel-drive ♪
♪ Carved my name into... ♪
Hey! What are you guys doing?
You cheat on me,
your ride pays the price!
Yeah! Exactly what she said,
but from my perspective!
Uh...
that's not my bike.
So, maybe we tanked our revenge plan,
but that's the night I met my BFFTLATN.
What?
Best friends for this life and the next.
We both believe in reincarnation.
Yes, we're coming back
as treasured house cats.
- Same house?
- Same estate.
- [Sophie meows]
- Are you two serious?
How is a story of your adorable
Valentine's Day meet-cute
supposed to make me feel any better?
- SOPHIE: It's not.
- VALENTINA: Our bad.
I need something
gut-wrenchingly pathetic.
Jesse?
Fine. [inhales]
[clears throat] I was years old.
Hang on,
Ellen said no pre-puberty stories.
Actually, Jesse went
through puberty in third grade.
Whenever he took me to the playground,
all the kids called him "sir."
Today's lunch is fish sticks,
tater tots, fruit cup,
and your choice of regular
or chocolate milk.
Okay, guys, I'll let you in on
a little secret. One girl's advice?
You're gonna wanna go chocolate.
ADULT JESSE: Mariah Moore
was the first girl I ever liked.
We'd never actually talked,
but I knew all I needed to know.
She was super cute,
she'd read all the Animorphs books,
and her parents had
a trampoline. No net.
I love you, Mariah Moore.
I'm at work.
You told a girl you were
in love with her way too soon?
Why does that sound so familiar?
Because he did it to Sophie.
He also did it in middle school.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Fine.
There was one other time.
[playing French horn]
I love you, Olivia DeMarco.
Um, Jerry, is it?
And then in college.
[crowd booing, jeering]
[on megaphone]:
These Wall Street fat cats
have stolen from
America's working class!
CROWD: Yes!
But do you know who
really belongs behind bars?
[crowd cheering] Clarissa Yang.
Because you stole my heart, Clarissa.
I love you!
[crowd booing, jeering]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Oh!
So you say "I love you" early on
to, like, everyone.
Well, you'll be happy to know
that all those people hated it
just as much as you did.
Cool. Noted.
Wait, are you actually upset about this?
No. I don't care.
- Great.
- Great.
[Scottish accent]: Great.
[normal voice]:
Sorry. When I get uncomfortable,
I get Scottish.
♪
Stop glaring at me!
Oh, you don't love that like you
love every woman you lay eyes on?
Alright! Back to me then. Um...
I have processed your critiques,
and I am ready to tell
my story succinctly.
So, we're at Houghton Hall,
awaiting the arrival
of my beloved
girlfriend, Jacinda Astley.
And, uh, I wanted things
to be extra special
because, well,
I'd always had a bit of a thing
for old St Valentine's.
And Jacinda Astley...
was a lady.
And though the Astleys
were incredibly well-esteemed,
their family name had not
gone unmarred by scandal.
Rumor has it, her great-aunt was
sired not by Lord Phillip Astley,
but by a mere stable boy.
Of Wolverhampton!
- No!
- Yes! And it gets even better...
Dude, I'm not no-ing you.
Nobody's listening to you.
- Mean.
- ALL: True.
They're diverting
Hannah's flight to Houston
'cause someone said they were
having a heart att*ck.
Like, dude, how hard is it to just
ignore your body's signals
until it's too late like the rest of us?
So Hannah will get in tomorrow.
Is that such a big deal?
Yes.
Spending Valentine's Day together is,
like, super important to us.
'Cause of our worst one ever.
That sounds awful. Tell us everything.
Okay, so Hannah and I
are still in med school,
and we just started dating,
so we weren't exclusive yet.
Come on, man! Just have one drink with
me at the McLarens' place downstairs.
Hey...
[suave voice]: We can mack on
some sweet Valentine's Day honeys.
Sid, you're not a virgin.
Why are you talking like one?
- Also, you have a girlfriend.
- Hannah is not my girlfriend, okay?
I'm a playboy. I can't be tied down.
[phone dings]
What the...
Look at this photo Hannah just posted.
Why is she all up on this dude?
Whoa. Looks like she's out
being a play girl, huh?
Oh, my God, I'm an idiot.
Dude, I am done playing games.
I gotta go tell Hannah
she's the only one for me,
and you are coming, too!
[sighs] Alright, fine, I'll go with you,
but I'm not putting on real pants, okay?
Because Valentine's Day is a stupid...
[door shuts]
♪
Now, focus. If you
were a gorgeous young med student about
to throw away the love of your life,
- where would you...
- It's a very small apartment, okay?
They're right there.
♪ House music plays ♪
Okay. Come on. Jesse, dance.
Act like we're having fun.
What? Why? I thought we were here
so you could tell Hannah
- how you feel about her.
- Yeah, I was,
but I'm pissed she's having
so much fun without me.
I want her to see that I have fun
without her, too, you know?
By dancing with me?
Come on, Jesse! We didn't
practice Dougie-ing for nothing, okay?
♪
[party chatter]
Ha! Ha!
- Jesse! Running man! Now!
- Are we in a dance-off?
Oh, I am! I don't know
what the hell you're doing!
What's up? What's up? Wh... Ow! Cramp!
- [groaning]
- Are you okay?
That is enough! Can you stop
massaging him right now, please?
Hannah, I want to be your boyfriend.
I want you to be my girlfriend.
I want this guy to just go away.
Ha! I knew it.
- Thanks for your help, Drew-shi.
- Of course.
Drew-shi is a dish best served cold.
[Hannah giggles] SID: Wait, what?
Did you set me up?
[laughs] Hell yeah, I did.
Look, Hannah knew if we made you jelly,
you'd make things official.
That's why I brought out the big g*ns.
I can do that, too.
Am I doing it?
No...
Look, glad I could help cupid you guys.
The way she talks about you,
I knew you got something special.
And people who love each other
should be together on Valentine's Day.
That's why I'm gonna go hang out
with my mom. Later.
I can't believe you tricked me.
That's, like, supes immature.
Seriously? You're mad?
Yeah.
You've been acting for weeks like you
don't want to be my boyfriend.
That's immature.
We proceeded to have the kind of awful,
horrible, screaming, crying fight
that you only have in your s.
- I hate you.
- I hate you, too!
♪ House music continues ♪
I love you... Sweatpants Girl.
Seriously?
That one doesn't count!
Have... you met molly?
I also said "I love you"
to my cab driver,
a fat pigeon, a-and a trash can
I could "feel" had a soul.
Anyway, um,
that night, neither of us slept,
and when the sun came up,
we both realized why. Um...
the only thing we really wanted
was each other.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I, uh,
I made you this.
You arranged a bunch of bagels
in the shape of balls?
Huh? No. Oh!
It's supposed to be a heart.
Made of everything bagels 'cause...
'cause you're my everything.
And you used cream cheese for the glue!
Mm-hmm.
And we haven't spent
Valentine's Day apart since.
Until now. ALL: Aw...
Oh, Jesse, those two
old ladies are leaving.
Don't forget to tell 'em both
you love 'em.
I really don't get it.
How are you actually pissed about this?
I'm not pissed. I'm... irked.
You guys get why, right?
ALL: No. No. Not really.
Oh, my God. Fine.
When you told me you loved me
on our first date,
yes, that freaked me out.
But it also made me feel... special.
And then hearing that
you've said those same words
to roughly one in four American women,
that makes me feel...
Less special? [sighs]
This was way too intimate
to say in front of everyone.
[Scottish accent]:
I'm gonna get a very strong drink.
[normal voice]: Oh! Why am I doing it?
♪
S-so, Ellen? We were thinking...
No, you can't use Ice Rachel
as a vodka luge.
Surprise!
- VALENTINA: Oh!
- SID: Oh, my God!
- You're here!
- HANNAH: I am!
Oh, I pulled a full
"mom from Home Alone"
and cried my way onto a new flight.
My favorite girl referencing
my favorite movie
on my favorite day of the year?
[happy groan] I love this holiday!
I have an announcement!
Hello, Hannah. Welcome back.
I have taken your collective feedback
and distilled my story
into four sentences.
My girlfriend was coming to visit me
in the country for Valentine's Day.
I decided to surprise her
by wearing nothing but whipped cream.
♪ Romantic music ♪
Are the cherries too much?
No. You look scrumptious, sir.
I lay there all night waiting,
and she stood me up.
I wound up with a broken heart...
and a yeast infection.
Which I didn't even know men could get.
That's a pretty good story!
[all agreeing]
I got a double cheese pizza
from Little Caesar's
for... Ellen Gilbert.
[FaceTime ringing]
[on phone]: Happy Valentine's Day, baby.
I figure if we ate the same thing
together on FaceTime,
it'd almost be like we were together.
This is perfect.
I should have known
you would make today amazing.
ALL: Aw...
This is a private moment
between me and my girlfriend!
Just kidding.
We're cute as hell,
and I accept your aw's.
Hey. Look.
Yes, when I was younger, I threw out
a lot of "I love you's"
with reckless abandon.
Okay? But then, I stopped.
For many years.
- You did?
- I did.
And, you know, after Meredith left me,
I-I thought I'd never say it again,
and... [clears throat]
then I met you.
Got it.
Thank you for...
clearing that up for me.
I feel less irked.
Good.
Okay, so finish your story.
Wh-what happened to you on
Valentine's Day in third grade?
There was a father-daughter
dance at school,
and I put fliers
with my picture up all over town
in hopes that my dad would see it
and come and surprise me.
Did your dad live in your town?
No idea. My mom only told me
that they slept together
one time at the first Lollapalooza.
Wow.
Yeah. She actually said "did the nasty,"
but I was trying to spare you.
Thank you. Okay, so-so-so what happened?
I stood in the middle
of the dance floor,
hoping my long-lost father would
walk through the door and surprise me.
And after a while, a guy
I'd never seen before showed up.
- Someone else's dad.
- I wish.
Just a neighborhood pervert.
- Oh.
- Security tackled him pretty fast.
But, in retrospect,
putting up pictures of a little girl
with the caption
"Daddy, come dance with me,"
was not a good idea.
Oh, my God. [laughs]
The police said I saved
a lot of lives in the end.
- Huh...
- What?
Well, it's just you have
a real reason to hate this day.
But you just throw on a smile
and spend it with Val
and have a ridiculously
good attitude about it.
H-how do you do that?
What is my other option?
To act like you?
I-I'm serious. [laughs]
Chocolate helps.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
[unwrapping chocolate]
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, maybe
Valentine's Day is not that bad.
You see, son, love just feels good.
Especially on Valentine's Day.
Just ask your dad.
And people who love each other
should be together on Valentine's Day.
I'd always had a bit of a thing
for old Saint Valentine's.
Oh, my God, I love this holiday.
You know, maybe
Valentine's Day is not that bad.
I freaking love Valentine's Day.
SOPHIE'S SON:
He wasn't even in this story.
Wait, did I miss something?
Different Valentine's Day.
We'll get there.
♪
I'm sure she'll be here any minute.
- Right, Rupert?
- Of course, she will, sir.