01x03 - Kimmy Goes on a Date!

[bunniefuu]

I had such a lovely time
at the King's ball.

Thank you for unfrogging me.

Excuse me while I slip into something

more comfy-wumfy.

Mm.

No. No. No! No!

I have to get out of here!
He's waiting for me!

Why won't you open?

'Cause I'm not made that way!

What am I doing?

You tell me.

This isn't the Chinatown bus.

You can't just choke someone who's sleeping.

Titus, I'm so sorry.

Why is your neck so greasy?

I fell asleep eating a Hot Pocket.

Kimmy Schmidt, you are clearly
repressing some stuff,

and it is very unhealthy... for Titus!

- You need to talk to somebody.
- Absolutely not.

What if you take a lover
and you m*rder him in his sleep?

Who are they gonna pin that on

Rainbow Brite or gay Tiki Barber?

I'm not taking a lover. That's gross.

And I'm not ready.

I can't even do a dream date right.

Probably because you're bottling up the past!

The past is not a root beer, Kimmy Schmidt.

I don't care.

I spent 15 years in that bunker eating beans

out of a Florida Marlins cap.

- The Marlins, Titus!
- Ooh.

There, that noise, the
way you're looking at me,

like I'm a freak!

Step right up and see the Mole Woman.

She made a pet cat out of dryer lint

and a Gerschner's bag.

Ooh.

It's not my fault.

People love hearing terrible
details of news tragedies.

One, it's titillating like a horror movie.

Two, it makes them feel like a good person

because they care about a stranger.

Three, it makes people feel safe
that it did not happen to them.

- Ugh.
- This affects me too, you know!

I need my beauty sleep.

I'm having my head sh*ts taken today

because my old ones are starting
to feel a little dated.

Oh, yeah.

This time, I'm gonna keep it simple

a suit, a tie,

maybe hold a microphone
so they know I can sing.

And that you can hold things.

And thanks to you, I finally
have the money to do this right.

- Oh, word up!
- Nope.

Write it down.

I just have to spend this money

before Lillian knows I have it.

Why? We paid the rent.

Oh, it's always something with that woman

the rent, the electric bill,
the floor that got ruined

when I fell asleep in her bathtub.

How was I supposed to turn the faucet off?

I was asleep!

But if she knows I have any money

Morning, you two.

Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Wink.

So anybody want coffee?
I'm off to an AA meeting.

- No, thank you.
- We're broke!

Oh, yeah? Huh.

I'm going back to bed.

Just promise me you will try
to find someone to talk to.

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

Oh, uh, Mrs. Voorhees.

Buckley just remembered

that his family-tree project is due today.

Now, I found a bunch of stuff
online about the Voorhees side.

- We owned people.
- We still do, honey.

But we weren't sure about your family.

Who, the Whites? They're normal.

This is your homework, Charles, not mine.

No, I'm sorry. It's Buckley's homework.

But can you at least tell me
where your family's from?

Why can't my own parents understand?

I just want to be somebody,

like the women on my fashion magazines.

Why can't our fashion
magazines be enough for you?

Jackie Lynn,

we didn't say anything
when you d*ed your hair

and when you got blue contact lenses

or even when you started saying things like

"neato" and "tennis."

It's how white people talk, Mom.

Oy, gevalt.

- But Manhattan?
- I'm sorry.

But I don't want to live my whole life

in Bear Creek, South Dakota.

It's 1992.

And nothing has changed in this country.

If you want to get anywhere,
you need to be blonde and white.

But you're an Indian, Jackie Lynn.

God, Dad, saying "Indian" is offensive now.

Then what do you call sitting on the floor

with your legs crossed?

Crisscross applesauce.

- We invented sitting like that.
- Oh, that's insane.

I know you don't approve of what I'm doing,

but you'll change your tune when I'm married

to 1992's sexiest man alive, Nick Nolte.

Goodbye.

Or as white people say,
"Later days... buddy."

Later days...

bud...

dy.

Why does it matter where I'm from?

It's where I'm going that counts.

Put that down.

Mrs. Voorhees, I'm worried about Abattoir.

I walk him twice a day, and
he never goes to the bathroom.

Oh, they bred that out.

Someone's anus is purely decorative.

Yes, yes, yes.

Hey. How's it going?

Well, I'm failing third grade.

At least you're the
biggest kid in your class.

Oh, Kimmy. I don't think
I have your cell number.

I wanted to call you last night
because Buckley needed something

and I had already taken my makeup off.

Um, I don't actually have a cell phone.

You don't have a cell phone?

Well, I had a cell phone, Xan,

obvs, but I lost it at the zoo.

A monkey took it, and
she wouldn't give it back.

Yeah, Xan, the monkey was a woman.

Women can be anything these days.

Here, you can take one
of my old cell phones.

Go to Verizon and have
them switch out the SIM card

and then get my contacts off the cloud.

Horizon... got it.

Wow. Is this a Macintosh?

What?

Hey, I have a fun idea.

Let's do Kimmy's family tree.

We don't know anything about her.

Um, I don't really like
talking about myself.

Oh, but can you?

'Cause I actually don't
even know your last name.

Smith.

Of course it is.

And you're from?

Ohio.

No way! Where?

My mom's from Shaker Heights.

The middle?

Middle... town.

Damn it. There's a Middletown, Ohio.

Of course there is, Xan.

And phones have maps of Ohio,

and I knew both of those things before now.

Hey.

Why are you so dressed up?

In this neighborhood, dressed like that,

someone might think you got money.

I'm not so sure I appreciate
your tone, Lillian.

If this is about my mishap in the bath

Titus. My floor is warped.

All of my cats are piling up in one corner.

And if I had any money,
I would give it to you,

but I'm unemployed.

And Kimmy's backpack got stolen,

and that gold tooth I tried to pawn

turned out to be just a very yellow tooth.

Right. So you're broke.

But you're walking around dressed up

like a USC cornerback on draft day.

For your information, the
reason I put this suit on

is because I'm going...

to a funeral.

I'm so sorry. Oh, it was someone close.

Uh...

Oh, you poor thing.

That's it. I'm going with you.

Siri?

What can I help you with?

I'm a Mole Woman.

That's messed up.

Well, I'm off to see Joyce, my therapist.

- Oh, like a mental therapist?
- Mm-hmm.

Does it feel good to talk to her?

Yes, although for my taste,
it's a little too much penis.

Oh, sorry. Freud.

- And it's $500 an hour.
- Oh.

Yeah, I-I just wish I had
someone to talk to for free.

Oh, well, of course you're
looking for someone to talk to.

I was just like you once.

Yes, you're shorter and
have a much heavier step,

like a tired, old man.

But I remember what it's like
being all alone in New York.

So what's your plan?

I mean, you have maybe four years

of that youthful glow left.

After that, you'll be stuck marrying

a primary care physician

or one of those off-brand Kennedys.

I'm not looking to get married.

No, not right now, but the
clock is ticking, Kimmy.

And I do happen to know

all the richest bachelors in Manhattan.

Whom could you have lunch with today?

Today? Like, for a date?

Grant Belden.

He's very available and fabulously wealthy.

He doesn't even work. He could do lunch.

Um, I'm not sure I'm
ready for a "date" date.

Oh, true. You look like
you slept in those clothes.

Well, go spruce up and
meet him at Bistro Madison.

Just relax and be yourself.

Also, I've seen you eat, so don't.

Oh, yay!

I didn't know you had
an elderly Korean friend.

Speaking of which, I
think that Kim Jong Jr.

is doing a bang-up job.

What is that?

I was asked to sing here...

at the funeral...

of my dear friend...

Son Hae Sop.

I hope you sing one of
those sad Boyz II Men songs.

They always remind me of
all the homies I've lost.

Okay. I'm going on a date.

What kind of socks do you wear on a date?

Idiot! You're going to a nice restaurant.

They probably have socks there.

I don't know how to do this.

I've never put on makeup in my life.

I don't think this is for me.

Ow. Ow!

Dang this fancy comb!

I think
I'm gonna have the...

steak.

All I wanted was someone to talk to.

Now I'm meeting some boy at a restaurant.

This is so wack!

In the bunker, I was perfectly
happy just talking to myself,

like this.

I saw that in a movie once.

I know. I was with you. Oh, right.

Um, Grant Belden?

No.

Oh, good. I

You're not Grant Belden. I'm Grant Belden.

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Make a wish ♪

♪ And blow out the candlelight ♪

Boyz II Men. Yeah, sing it, baby, man.

I miss you, homies.

♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪

♪ All through the night ♪

♪ I'll make love to you ♪

♪ When you want me to ♪

Oh, God, it's the wrong Boyz II Men song.

♪ Baby, all through the night ♪

♪ I'll make love to you ♪

♪ Like you want me to ♪

♪ And I will not let go ♪

♪ Till you tell me to ♪

I'm not supposed to have ice cream.

Oh.

I promise I won't tell.

Well, you're a pretty nurse.

Oh, that's nice, but I'm not a nurse.

I'm Kimmy, Jacqueline's friend.

Who? Kennedy?

Give her my best.

Ah, Rexy. Here you go!

Good dog.

Oh, you're hungry today, aren't you?

Good dog.

Mr. Belden, I don't know
if I should tell you this,

but there's no dog.

I don't know if I should tell you this,

but I slept with my twin brother's wife.

I told her I was him.

She had no idea. Shh, shh, shh.

So how's your ice cream?

Cold! Oh, so cold.

The Krauts had us surrounded in Bastogne.

We nearly froze to death.

But we kept each other warm...

any way we could.

When I was eight, I stole $5

from my mother's purse.

Yes, well, Mother could be strict.

But she always kept a pocket
full of chocolate syrup

for the wee ones.

I can tell you anything, can't I?

I can talk to you, and you
won't think I'm a freak,

like Titus or that jerk Siri.

You won't even remember!

Hot dog.

I'm a Mole Woman.

When we got to Dusseldorf,
they made us sh**t

all the zoo animals.

I was kept underground for 15 years

by an insane preacher.

I ate giraffe, and I liked it.

Jackie Lynn.

I told you, it's Jacqueline now.

Jackie Lynn is a cheap stripper name.

Jacqueline is a classy stripper name.

Ehh.

Your father was elected
chair of Tribal Council.

You really should come back
to this year's Sun Dance.

Sundance? The film festival?

I hear Kevin Smith has really
outdone himself this time.

He's a hack.

And we're talking about
the Lakota Sun Dance.

Jeez, Jackie Lynn,

where is the morning star necklace

that your grandmother made?

I sold it.

I sold all my old trinkets
so that I could own Manhattan,

and it's working.

I'm a stewardess.

I'm dating a rich, older man,

and I'm lying to him
about my birth control.

Ay.

Aren't you happy for me?

I'm actually succeeding here.

And someday I'll have enough money

so you guys can come to
New York and live with me.

We don't want to live in New York.

The littering here makes me cry.

I don't know you anymore.

Jac-que-line.

- _
- That means you're supposed to think

of other people,

and you only care about yourself.

You've forgotten everything we taught you.

Yeah, well, some of the
things you taught me were dumb,

like using the whole buffalo.

Some parts just aren't good, guys,

for example, the poop.

No one told you to use the poop.

Oh.

We wanted you to come back with us.

That's why we came all this
way in the great iron eagle.

I'm kidding.

I know what planes are.
I was in the Air Force.

But...

this feels like goodbye.

Fine.

If that's how you feel...

Goodbye.

Sorry. Grant and I just kept talking,

and I don't have a watch,

and then I realized my
phone has a clock on it.

Where is Cupertino?

So you two hit it off?

We're actually having dinner tonight.

Well, not tonight, 3:00 pm.

I knew it!

You know, at first, I was
afraid, "Is he too old?

Is it weird that all of his wives

have been k*lled in boating accidents?"

But then I thought,

"He has a floor-through
apartment at 1134 Fifth Avenue.

You, sir, can k*ll me on a boat anytime."

Oh, Charles, you're
gonna have to take Buckley

to lacrosse today.

Why?

Because Kimmy has a second date.

Yay.

Sorry about that.

Well, I guess we're not all cute enough

to get set up by Jacqueline.

Who is? What?

Me is? Shut up. Hello?

Hello, hello?

Why are you so weird?

Why am I rubber and you're glue?

You're going on another
date with Grant Belden?

That dude's, like, older than rocks,

and he fought in some w*r with Germany,

the guys from soccer.

Why would you ever go out with him?

Why do you care?

Step off, Xan.

"Step off"?

Every time you open your
mouth, I get one step closer

to figuring out what your deal is.

And then this is all over.

Sometimes the Reverend
would tie our hair together.

He called it a "braidipede."

Once, I surrendered to what
turned out to be a statue.

Do you think going
through something like that

a w*r or whatever makes
you a better person?

Or deep down, does it just
make you bitter and angry?

No! Rexy, put it down!

Drop it!

I choked my roommate in
my sleep this morning.

And I didn't tell him
this, but the other day,

I woke up in the shower, cleaning a Kn*fe.

What had I done with it?

Do I ever get to be normal again?

This soup is freezing!

I don't think this is working.

What the living hell is this?

It's not enough just
to say things out loud.

I need someone I can talk with.

You may as well be that old
volleyball I drew a face on.

Wilson, from Cast Away?

More nonsense.

Look, you're a very nice
man, but you're not gonna be

the person I can talk to about the bunker.

The bunker?

How do you know about that?

No. No, no. Different bunker.

I swore I'd take that secret to my grave,

and I did!

But then I clawed my way
out, and I still kept it.

Oh, who are you?

Mr. Belden, I'm Kimmy Schmidt.

Schmidt!

- You're a German spy.
- No.

I know a Kraut posing
as a French prost*tute

when I see one.

"prost*tute"? "French"?

I'm an American.

Oh, all right, American.

What was the batting
order of the 1938 Yankees?

Oh, who would know that?

Not you, you hooker! Aah!

Wha... Oh! God!

Batting fourth, Joe DiMaggio,

fifth, the Iron Horse, Lou Gehrig,

Bill Dickey, Joe Gordon.

- Mm, Mrs. Voorhees?
- Hi.

Thank you. I am.

Just getting a run in 'cause
I only worked out twice today.

Wait. Where's Grant?

Don't talk to her, Mrs. Roosevelt!

She's a spy!

He thinks he's in the w*r.

I'm trying to lure him
back home, so he'll be safe.

I though this might happen.

At the Met Ball last year,

he punched Blake Lively
because she said "gesundheit."

Grenade!

- Maybe I can help.
- Ow.

I did pick up some German
during my stewardess days.

_

_

Well, that's not Eleanor Roosevelt.

It's a spy with the same sweet caboose.

Aah!

That was humiliating!

And I wish I knew what
"heu-geen-babo" means.

_

Man, you really don't
want to pay me, do you?

Lillian, I told you, I'm broke!

Liar. I saw you yesterday.

I was doing my exercises, and as you know,

my floor suffered some water damage.

Son of a...

Gay Judas!

I can't believe you!

Here, take it. It doesn't matter anyway.

Thanks to your shenanigans,

I missed my head sh*t appointment.

Wait.

Head sh*ts? Really?

I figured the money
was for something weird,

like Barbie shoes.

Barbie shoes aren't weird, Lillian!

Hoarding newspapers is weird.

Wrong. Buying end tables is
weird when you got newspapers.

Eh, here, take the money.

What? Why? Oh, God, are you dying?

I knew it. You look horrible.

Titus...

you need to share your talent.

Thank you, Lillian.

You know what?

When I win my Tony Award,
you'll be the first person I...

Nice suit, money bags!

Oh, no! Oh!

For that to happen on the day
that we buried Son Hae Sop.

It's too bad about Grant.

Deep down, he really is
a wonderful apartment.

Can you speed him up again?

_

That's a lie!

Oh.

It's so big, he's in a wheelchair.

Kimmy, I apologize for this.

It's okay.

It was probably dumb of me

to think that anyone in New York City

would get what I've been through.

You know, Ohio.

Being single in New York is sheer t*rture.

t*rture? I'll talk!

The invasion is planned for Normandy.

Sir? Mr. Belden, this way.

Oh, I went outside today.

Jacqueline, we have a problem.

How far along are you?
We'll say Kimmy's the mom.

I'm not pregnant.

This woman has the keys to our house,

and we don't even know who she is.

Kimmy Smith from Middletown, Ohio,

I've been Googling you.

You have? I didn't feel it.

God, everything you say is insane.

I can't find anything out about you online.

Anything.

Is Kimmy Smith even your real name?

Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees,

how about you mind your own damn business?

Women have secrets, okay?

Who knows what Kimmy had to do to get here.

Maybe she was a hooker.

Okay, is this how
prostitutes dress nowadays?

Admit that that was a weird thing to say.

No. Her past doesn't matter.

People come to New York
and start new lives,

and it gets complicated.

And you, of all people,
don't get to judge her.

Your greatest accomplishment in life

is pulling off that lipstick,
which you have to let me borrow.

It looks awesome.

Now, take your spoiled ass
upstairs and go to your rooms.

This is bullying, you know.

I'm being bullied, and I'm not even fat!

White people... am I right?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry you had to cover for me.

It was not worth it.

My date tried to k*ll me with a pine cone.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure. We've all been there.

Oh.

Uh, Buckley's lacrosse was actually fun.

He kept getting nailed by the ball.

And I know it's wrong,

but, oh, man, it was so satisfying.

So...

um...

maybe tomorrow I'll go with you,

you know, just keep you company.

Okay. Sure.

Later, gator.

Buddy.