01x13 - Kimmy Makes Waffles!

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music]

[door creaking]

- A tape.


That's weird.

A safe is where you put important stuff.

Where are all his geodes
and gymnastics ribbons?

There must be something important on here.

This is our proof. It has to be.

I have a confession to make.

This is it.

I confess

that my funky beats will
make you move your feets.

I can do weddings, birthday parties,

functions, the Jewish thing with the chair.

Karate! Karate, karate!

Karate!

Karate, karate, karate,
karate, karate, karate!

Hey, Mr. Tr*mp.

My name is Richard Wayne,

and I want to be the next...
your apprentice.

Karate! Karate!

Karate, karate!

[clattering, glass shattering]

About me, I started my first
company when I was 14 years old.

I was the number one

dead horse removal service
for local farmers.

♪ Living in the dark ♪

♪ Racing with the Devil ♪

♪ Down the dark road of the heart ♪

Until some competitors decided

that, all of a sudden, "too many" horses

were "dying."

♪ I got my g*n ♪

♪ Something's begun ♪

♪ But, oh, those summer nights ♪

♪ Oh well a... Dang it! ♪

Ugh!

[sultry R&B music]

There's nothing.

We've got nothing.

[♪♪♪]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

[speaking] That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

Where's my water?

What happened to the magic refrigerator?

[banging]

Where is she, you monster?

I warn you.

I do CrossFit!

I know how you rich people treat the help.

I seen Cinderella.

Look, Vera doesn't live here anymore.

She chose Julian in the divorce.

I am talking about Kimmy,

you skinny blonde bitch.

Thank you.

She does not answer her phone,

and she hasn't been home in days.

Hey, can I borrow a cup of flour?

Some white kids outside want cocaine...

Wait a minute.

That's not Kimmy and Titus.

Where are they?

Tell me, Titus! Tell me!

Kimmy left, okay?

Just like everyone else.

She had to testify in that
trial thingy in Indiana.

In Deanna?

I barely know Deanna.

No, real talk.

What is going on?

[Titus] I trusted you, TV.

You've seen me naked.

And yet you betrayed me.

[phone ringing]

Josh?

Titus, dawg!

I'm with Tara Reid right now.

We're on the way to her funeral.

But I had to call you.

Are you even still my agent?

I haven't heard from you in months.

Jewish holidays.

Listen, T, I saw that thing
you did on the news,

and, dude, you are blowing up.

You went viral.

Is that a good thing?

'Cause "viral"...

That's great.

They want you on The Soup.

That's national, bro.

And lates can you Skype
with Tosh on Com Cent?

Go 'Cuse!

I know some of those words.

Don't worry, little buddy.

I'm gonna get you down from there.

Then I'll be a hero for sure.

I can see the headlines now.

"Grateful cat marries hero cop."

Maybe not that, but...

[cat meows]

Little help?

[shoe thuds] [cat meows]

♪ Jimmy Crank Corn ♪

♪ And I don't crank ♪

♪ Jimmy Crank Crank ♪

♪ And I crank crank ♪

Cyndee, don't leave!

Leave?

Call me crazy, but I
thought this was a party.

Kimmy lied to you, Gretchen.

She was just looking for evidence

to send the Reverend to jail.

[screams]

[door creaks]

All we found was this stupid
tape of him doing karate.

You entered his man cave?

Thanks a lot, Kimmy.

You've ruined my bachelorette party

like you ruined the last...

seven years of my life.

Right?

___

Well-played, tree.

I guess I'll just give up.

[whistling]

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

[man] I can drive wherever I want.

I'm Ed Hardy!

Randy.

Randy!

We're trapped in the bunker!

A Mole Woman.

That poor thing.

That goony simpleton needs me.

I got to go to Indiana.

Wait, don't leave.

I'll make us breakfast.

Okay...

Oh, I got to get to the bus station, sorry.

I got a car in the divorce.

Maybe a road trip is exactly
what I need right now.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

Uh-oh, last time I did that,

I found a finger under it.

Well, all I'm hoping to
find out is who I am,

now that I'm not Mrs. Voorhees anymore.

And this house is not helping.

I mean, what did Vera
do with all this trash?

It used to just disappear.

Did she eat it?

I've been in this dress for two days.

[laughs heartily]

'Cause there's no one here to unzip it.

I took a shower in it, and
now it's rusted shut.

[laughs]

Life is funny.

Who am I?

I have to go pack for myself.

Can you fold pants?

What?

Road trip!

Yeah.

Karate!

This is all your fault.

I should be home right now,

falling asleep while Brandon does CrossFit.

Well, I'm sorry

I'm keeping you from marrying a gay guy.

Gay marriage is legal now, Kimmy.

Read a newspaper.

[Kimmy] That's not how it works.

Oh, and you think you
know how everything works

'cause you're so smart?

You always thought you were better than us,

like that stuck-up owl from
the Tootsie Pop commercial.

[Kimmy] Great insult, Cyndee.

Owls are smart and can fly!

You know who would love this? The Reverend.

- Shut your wet mouth!
- Go jump up your own ass and die!

You're just jealous because my
dress covers the most skin.

Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up!

You dumb-ass b*tches!

Shut up!

Oh, my gosh!

I speak Spanish!

No, you don't.

I'm speaking in English.

___

I learned English, like, two years in.

I'm not an idiot.

You were just pretending
not to understand English.

You can't file off the
Reverend's pinky corn

if you don't know what it is.

Yes, but of all the
indignities of being here,

the worst was living with
three teenage girls.

All the drama,

all the little stupid
little clapping games.

Spanish was my life raft

in an ocean of white girl bull...

Hold the pickles!

Why didn't you testify against
the Reverend in English?

Oh, my golly.

We wouldn't even be here right now.

Look, I've got mole sauce to sell.

You did it because of money?

I'm Tia Donna Maria, guys.

That's my brand.

I can't speak English.

Just like Chef Boyardee
cannot let the world know

he's actually a super gay Persian guy.

[Kimmy] Unbelievable.

You're using the Mole Women
name to sell your sauce?

We should sue you.

¿Qué?

No hablo Ingles.

We're never getting out of here!

[screaming]

You can just throw those in the back.

Oh, yeah?

Open door.

Oh, it's pull.

[both] What do you think you're doing?

Uh, you got to drive.

I'm a born-and-bred New Yorker.

If I want to go somewhere,

I skitch behind a bus or call an ambulance.

But I haven't driven since...

I don't know when.

A car?

Tubular.

Wait, no, Jackie Lynn.

We can't afford a new car.

That's a key to my old tractor.

One day this ranch is gonna be yours.

But I don't want this ranch.

I don't want to raise a bunch
of giant, fluffy dogs.

Those are buffalo.

She gets this from your side of the family.

Hey, even my white grandfather
knows what a damn buffalo is.

I want a car, like an American kid.

Or Gizmo from Gremlins.

- You want to be Gizmo?
- That's a Barbie car.

Jackie Lynn, you are ungrateful,

and you don't deserve this.

Well, you're an Indian giver.

How is promising someone
something then taking it back

named after us?

Yeah, white people invented that.

You guys just don't get it.

This is not who I am.

Then who are you?

[snapping]

I can drive.

I'm my own person.

I have a car like Gizmo.

Good.

Now, how do you want me to pay?

Gas, grass, or ass?

'Cause I got one of those.

[Tuesday] Titus. Titus Andromedon.

You've turned a humiliating failure

into an epic fail.

What's next for you?

I just want to get to
that next level, Carla.

I'm currently in talks
to get a forehead tattoo

of a new diuretic yogurt.

Excuse me, I have to take this.

What are you so happy about?

I told you the other shoe was gonna drop.

Oh, it dropped, you busted Morpheus.

But I took that shoe and I
made lemonade out of it.

Doesn't matter.

You can't escape the payback.

Fame is a double-edged sword.

Isn't that a good thing?

You get twice as much sword.

Who would want a single-edged sword?

Maybe ask samurais.

There's another thing
I've been meaning to ask.

If a cat had a white stripe
painted down its back,

would a skunk really fall in love with it?

No, right?

I mean, I get why it's funny.

It just doesn't seem real.

Anyway, I'm gonna light my clothes on fire

to signal for help.

[lighter flicks]

[Jacqueline] Okay.

You're the New Yorker.

How do we get out of Manhattan?

Oh, I don't know.

I've never been off the island.

Why would I?

This is home.

For hundreds of years,

my family was driven out
of country after country

because they did sex with cattle.

But then the Kaushtuppers
moved to America, and...

Whatever, forget it.

We'll use the driver talky box.

[GPS] Resuming route guidance.

Destination: mistress's apartment.

Cancel.

New destination:

Durnsville, Indiana.

Proceed to highlighted route.

No, you don't tell me what to do.

In 200 feet, turn left...

I don't have to listen to you.

Are you okay, dear?

I am so sick of men like
him bossing me around.

I have my own opinions.

I can do stuff without you.

Redirecting to nearest tampon store.

You shut up.

We're going our own way!

[banging]

This is getting a real
Thelma and Louise vibe.

I like it.

Let's go.

We don't need him.

We don't need anyone.

Whoo!

Oh, my God, we're lost.

I should never have left Manhattan.

Where are we?

When are we?

Why did I break the GPS?

Why did I throw away my whole life?

[gasps]

Is that the ocean?

How do you find out who you really are

when you're nothing?

I can't take out the trash

or get out of this dress.

I can't drive!

I'm so...

lost.

Okay, here's the plan.

Prostitution.

You're the talent.

I'm the muscle.

Just remember, no kissing.

The medicine wheel represents
the four directions.

Ugh, boring.

I want my MTV.

It's not your MTV.

The MTV belongs to all of us.

What your father's trying to say is,

wherever you go in the world,

if you can find the four
winds, you'll never be lost.

And yellow is the east,
where the sun rises.

Maybe when you were a kid, old man.

[dance music playing]

The sun rises in the east.

We went the wrong way!

But we're about to make $4.

Ah!

Sorry, fellas.

It's got to be morning by now.

[sniffs]

10:30.

The trial's starting!

Try and open the door, smart.

Is it working?

Are we outside now?

Give it up, Kimmy.

The trial doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing matters.

♪ By Mennen ♪

- Swear to god, Gretchen!
- Will you stop doing that?

Found my diary.

I used to think you were my hero, you know.

Remember this?

"Kimmy found a rat in the air filter today.

The Reverend was so scared.

Later, I found a part of
my boob that I like"...

Whatever.

Thought you were so strong,

standing up to the Reverend like that.

But I was wrong.

And now, because of you...

I'll never get to marry Brandon Yeagley.

Ever since I was a little girl...

That's it, the rat.

Really cool how you let me
finish talking just now.

Everybody follow me to the air filter room.

I'm getting us the fudge out of here.

[cat yowls]

Man, that fortune cookie
was right on the money.

I don't like it out here one bit.

It doesn't smell like urine at all.

And what's with all these
giant, fluffy dogs?

They're not dogs.

They're buffalo.

[in Lakota Sioux] Good day, Buffalo.

That rat I found got in here
through the air filter.

Which means there's more rats.

This party is about to get some meat.

What? No.

If this is how rats get in,

it's how we're getting out.

[birds honking]

These geese are flying south.

This road should take us west.

That's the weirdest
bodega I've ever been in.

I try to buy some poppers
and a cup of loose tuna.

They look at me like I'm crazy.

[boy] Go, Townville!

[Lillian] Aw, jeez.

After everything Native
Americans have been through...

Robbed of their land, ravaged by smallpox,

forced to watch Mexicans play them on TV...

And now still with this nonsense.

Yeah, how would people like it

if there was a team called
the New York Schnozzes?

It's bad enough that Yankees

is just an old-fashioned term
for subway masturbators.

[drum pounding]

[in Lakota Sioux] Today is a
good day to die, band nerds.

Whoa!

What in the world?

It's the Townville Band.

Get 'em, Wolves!

[all shouting]

[howling]

Still no bars.

But I got a push notification
on my Redbox app.

The Wedding Ringer's available to rent!

Gretchen, in the tube.

We need you, buddy.

Hey, have you been working out?

Your wrists look amazing in that dress.

Well, I got a home crank, so...

Hey, no!

Nope, I am not gonna help you.

[sighs]

Look, I know I let you
guys down seven years ago.

Even you, Gretchen.

'Cause I know there's still hope,

no matter how brainwashed you are.

I'm proud to be brainwashed.

I've got a clean brain.

You could eat off it.

When the Reverend opened
that door, I caved.

But today, I'm going to reverse-cave.

I'm gonna be like a rock
thing, but sticking out.

Oh, like an outcropping, or a crag?

Sure.

Thank you, Donna Maria.

You're welcome.

I still believe the world is good,

that bunnies are nice and snakes are mean.

Bunnies can be very mean.

That one day Sandra Bullock

will find someone who deserves her,

and that Reverend Richard Wayne Gary Wayne

will spend the rest of his life in jail,

because he is a liar.

The Reverend couldn't lie if he wanted to.

His identical twin brother
came down from Heaven

and told us that.

Then I'll make you a deal.

If you come help us get out of here

and the Reverend still goes free,

I will join your church
and come live with you

in the bunker for the rest of my life.

[grunting]

Ooh, okay.

I'm almost there.

A little bit higher.

Lock your knees, Donna Maria.

Jeez, your work ethic's
really gone downhill

ever since you became an American.

[grunting]

[Cyndee] We made it!

I've got bars!

Real quick, just gonna
check my horoscope app.

"Pisces, time to break out of your"...

Oh, no, my phone d*ed.

Time to break out of my what?

Dang it, Cyndee!

Idiot.

Ow!

Don't drop me!

Oh! Hey there, kids!

I saved a cat.

Randy.

So you admit it.

You do like pizza.

Stop!

Kimmy time!

I found 'em, everyone.

Randy found the Mole Women.

Oh, no, don't mind me.

Just making a birdhouse.

Please tell me you've got
something on the Reverend,

because Chris and I

spent last night watching Spanish HBO

to practice our Español

for an upcoming trip to Orlañdo, Florída.

Nope, I've got nothing.

But I'll figure something out.

I have to.

Well, that'd be great,

because we got to start packing.

This one likes to take everything.

Hey, I'm not paying Orlando prices

for female condoms.

Um, hello.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

This man is a liar!

He never believed he was
saving us from the apocalypse,

because he never believed
the apocalypse was coming.

Sure I did.

No, you didn't.

Admit you lied.

Well, then that would be a lie.

[all muttering in agreement]

[Kimmy] Okay.

Then why didn't you not un-anti-believe

that the apocalypse wasn't not coming?

Because I never did.

Ms. Schmidt, I'm gonna
need to wrap this up.

The birdhouse, I'm giving it

to my granddaughter as a birthday gift,

which means I need to go buy gift wrap

before Pat's Crafts closes,

which means I'm gonna need to wrap this up.

Just give me a minute.

I have...

new evidence.

No, it's the Reverend's sacred tape.

It's okay, Sister Gretchen.

It's okay.

I guess God just wanted the people

to see my kick-ass Rick mix.

I'd like to submit this
videotape as Exhibit B.

We'll obviously have to
watch the whole thing

to see why it's important, which it is,

because it's evidence, right?

Oh, man, we could have been
watching movies this whole time?

Karate! Karate! Karate!

Na-jitsu!

[applause]

You better be going somewhere with this,

because all you're doing is
making him look amazing.

If the guy we brought home
had looked like that,

I wouldn't have had so much trouble.

There's got to be something.

Come on, universe.

No, that's our drawing paper.

That's... Sometimes we just draw.

Hey, Mr. Tr*mp.

My name is Richard Wayne,

and I want to be the next...
your apprentice.

[gasps]

Let's see, I started my
first company when...

You son of a bitch.

The bottom line is that I'm a genius,

and I'm super good at clients.

What are they doing?

My company name would be !sis.

Reverend, remind me.

What was the date of the apocalypse again?

June 6, 2006,

at 6:66 p.m.

And yet you taped your
audition for The Apprentice

on June 5th, 2006.

[all gasping, murmuring]

- Murmur.
- Murmur, murmur.

Murmur.

We're part of this.

Murmur.

If you really believed

the world was going to end the next day,

then why in the ham sandwich

were you trying to get on
next season's Apprentice?

Because it was gonna be an awesome season.

I mean, it was the return of Omarosa!

You're not bad at math, sir.

You're just bad!

You never believed in anything!

Shut your mouth, Kimmy Schmidt.

If God wanted women to talk,

he wouldn't have made their mouths

look so much like their privates.

Guilty!

[gavel pounding]

You people are garbage!

Garbage!

Would it be possible for me to
be sent to a women's prison?

[all jeering]

Mm, he really had me fooled.

Hey, did we just win?

We sure did.

What do you say we go home
and take a shower together?

I snaked the drain last night.

O.M. jeepers!

You did it!

Lillian?

What happened? What happened?

Do I need to sh**t anybody for you?

Hey, you found Oopsie.

What are you doing here?

No, Kimmy.

What am I doing here?

When I left New York this morning,

I was so afraid of being alone

that I went on a road trip with this woman.

Lillian, by the way.

Jacqueline, pleasure.

But then a wolf helped me
b*at up a bunch of teenagers.

A wolf.

In the Lakota tradition, the
wolf represents family.

And I realized that's where I have to go.

Home.

That's where I'll find myself.

Am I gonna see you again?

No, I'm gonna live in South Dakota

like a bunch of stupid
giant president heads.

Of course you'll see me again.

Oh, but I won't be needing these anymore.

Thank you, Kimmy Schmidt.

Were these prescription lenses maybe?

Goodbye, Kimmy.

[tires squealing]

[phone dings]

Nine missed calls?

Dong, Dong, Dong, Dong,

Dong Dong-Dong-Dong-Dong.

Kimmy,

why didn't you call me back?

Well, it's a long story,

but here goes.

I was 11 pounds at birth.

Rhetorical question!

Immigration found me again.

I had no choice.

No choice? About what?

Are you back in Vietnam?

Mr. Nguyen, for the last time,

I said you can now kiss the bride.

I got married, Kimmy,

to Sonja from GED class.

Now for the wedding night.

My birds like to watch.

You did it, Kimmy.

We both did.

This all worked out perfectly.

Dong got married... to someone else.

Ronald Effing Wilkerson!

I saw your little video on the YouTube.

I thought you was dead.

Speaking of weddings, Kimmy.

This is Vonda.

My wife.

Foop.

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ We've been living here ten years ♪

♪ Nobody seen no girl ♪

♪ Nobody heard no girl ♪

♪ Nobody seen no girl ♪

♪ He had them underground ♪

♪ They come out their hole Looked around ♪

♪ Like a bunch of Punxsutawney Phils ♪

♪ And I said "Nathan, is this for reals?" ♪

♪ One, two ♪

♪ Three, four girls come up ♪

♪ One, two ♪

♪ Three, four girls come up ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

Hey!

Good night, everybody!