03x21 - Quadromania

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[FOOT SCRAPING]

[CAT MEOWS]

CABBIE: Hey, mister,
you need a cab?

[SIGHS]

Good evening.

[FOOT CONTINUES SCRAPING]

I swear, baby, you are a
sight for a working girl's eyes.

Come on, shake it, baby.
I got promises to keep.

Hey.

[HORN HONKING]

[SCREAMS]

[SIREN WAILING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

STARSKY: Be nice.

Hey, what's the story, Baker?

Well, the deceased
is one Victor O'Connor,

age , feet
inches, pounds,

born in Trenton, been
driving for Metro for...

What are you
writing, his biography?

Why don't you just tell
us what happened, huh?

It's the same as the others.

Whoever k*lled him
took all the money.

That girl over there found him.

Oh, um, you take the dead body.

I'll take the one
that's breathing.

Naturally. Sorry.

HUTCH: What's the
diagnosis, Carboni?

Lights out about
an hour or two ago.

Strangulation.

The guy must have a grip

like a set of bolt cutters.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just
like the other two.

You're gonna have
to forgive me, Carboni.

We're new on this case.
What are you talking about?

It's the third cabbie
in the past two weeks.

Same M.O., huh?

Crushed trachea
as well as vertebrae.

And from the
imprints on the throat,

it seems like he
did it with one hand.

Thanks.

Did you get a good look at him?

Come on, honey.

I already been through all that
with Buster Brown over there.

How is business lately?

Okay, coach.

He was sporting one of
those close-cut Vandykes,

and he had a set of
fancy evening threads.

You know, a hat,

cane and a funeral coat.

And he walked with a limp.

Yeah?

Yeah, you know, like that José
Ferrer in that old late movie.

You know, the one about
the gimpy French painter.

The Toulouse-Lautrec Story?

I call it as I see it, darling.

STARSKY: I wanna go home.

You got anything yet?

Looks like a robbery.

It must have been the passenger.

There's still a
fare on the meter.

A buck-eighty.

So wherever they
picked up this wacko

must have been
pretty close, huh?

You're gonna make
a detective yet, Baker.

Don't forget the exhaust pipe.

The exhaust pipe?

DOBEY: Toulouse-Lautrec?

Don't blame the messenger
for the message, captain.

Look, there's been
three murders in days,

and all you clowns
can come up with

is some clown
from the late show.

Captain, I don't even know
why you're coming down on us.

It's not even our case.

Well, it is now!

I'm taking Henderson off
and putting you two on it.

And I don't wanna
see you breathing easy

until these nuts
are off the street.

You're talking about "nut"
as in singular, aren't you?

I'm talking about "nuts,"
as I said, in the plural.

Would you send Yvonne in
with the sketches, please?

Captain, the M.O.'s are
identical in all three cases.

It's gotta be the same guy.

DOBEY: Continue reading.

All three are robbery
and strangulation.

All three are the same
time of the morning.

The guy even hit the same
cab company three times.

Now try matching the
descriptions with the suspects.

Thank you, Yvonne.

The suspect in the first
m*rder was described as

a -year-old skid row cr*pple.

STARSKY: What
about the second one?

HUTCH: Long-haired,
Caucasian, medium build, to .

And for the third m*rder,

you come up with a
description of Toulouse-Lautrec

and talking about
matching M.O.'s.

You think there were
three different ones?

They all belong to the same
one-armed strangulation club.

What do you mean by that?

I'll tell you what
it means, captain.

It means there's some guy
out there with some freak...

who loves a masquerade.

Ah!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Good morning, Gramps.

Oh, Lionel.

What a tasty hour
to be traipsing in.

Oh, Gramps, you know how
those opening night parties are.

Why, you're almost
as bad as your father.

And you know how the women
and liquor k*lled him in the en...

Ah.

And now, would you mind
returning the bishop to Q?

I may be blind but
I'm still in the ballgame.

You sure are, Gramps.

Now, don't be bashful, Lionel.

Tell me about your performance.

Oh, Gramps.

Gramps, it was splendid.

Why, listen to this:

"Lionel Fitzgerald...

"third generation of the
famed theatrical family...

Oh, and I thought
they'd forgotten us.

"gave us a Macbeth last night

"that shall live for
a long, long time

"in this reviewer's memory...

"demonstrating brilliantly
the acting genius...

synonymous with
the name Fitzgerald."

Oh, bravo.

Bravo, Lionel.

Oh, you surely must have
been something to see.

Yes, Gramps.

You would have been proud of me.

GRAMPS: Oh, most certainly.

[GASPS]

But now you'd best get to bed

and get yourself
some good sleep.

I suppose you have another
big night ahead of you.

Yes.

Another big night.

HUTCH: Is the manager in?

Uh, talk to the Jamaican...

if you can get a
word in edgewise.

[MEN CHUCKLE]

[PHONE RINGS]

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]

[JAMAICAN ACCENT] It's
bad, it's fab. it's Metro Cab!

Okay, ofay, your
coach is on its way.

This is Rockin' St.
Jacques, that voodoo doc,

with a call from the
Hilton at o'clock.

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Hey,
number six needs some money.

Then go for it, honey!

And while you cruise,

let's dig some blues.

♪ Ow! Papa's got A
brand new bag ♪♪

Whoo!

Are you, um, Jamaican?

[PHONE RINGS]

No. I'm a Swede
with lead poisoning.

Hello. Save the
Whale Foundation.

Cheese and anchovies?

Baby, the only thing that
I bake is licorice pizza.

Now does this look
like a pasta joint to you?

No, but I-I...

I'd like to talk to you,

if you don't mind
turning that racket down.

You got it.

Now if it's about my
boys getting dead,

Kingston St. Jacques...

Whoo! At your service.

KINGSTON: Ow!

[CLAPS, CLICKS FINGERS]

Well, uh...

do you have any
idea why these guys

keep hitting your cab
company... Keep hitting Metro?

There are five or six
other companies in town.

No, man. I don't know.

I'm just a hired hand
waiting for my big break.

Your, uh, big break?

Yeah, baby.

Top ... as in AM/FM.

I am the Rasta man's answer

to Wolfman Jack.

[WOLFMAN JACK IMPRESSION] Have
mercy, baby! We gonna get down tonight.

Right. Right on!

I'd just like to check
out your trip sheets

on the two drivers who d*ed.

You got it.

Have a banana, blondie.

Let's see here. Let's see.

This is, uh, Clark's schedule
the night he was dusted.

And here's Hobson's.

It seems like these two drivers

picked up fares
at the same spot.

rd and Main. We
got a stand down there.

The red-light district.

Pimping, p*rn,
all-night movies.

HUTCH: I picked up O'Connor's
trip sheet this morning.

But he never entered the
pick-up location of his last fare.

You found him on
Elmwood, didn't you?

At the corner of Allen Street.

And there was a
buck-eighty on that meter.

How far would that be in miles?

$.? Let's see.

See, with an -cent flag drop
and cents a quarter mile,

that would be a
mile-and-a-quarter ride.

A mile and a quarter.

And where would rd
and Main be from there?

Let's see.

An inch and two-eighths,

or a mile and a quarter.

That's the red-light
stand again. Thanks a lot.

Look, I hope that you
find this dude soon.

I mean, aside from the
obvious human element...

half our drivers
have already quit.

You're having trouble
finding new ones, huh?

Are you kidding?

Man have to be a
God-forsaken fool

to want to sign
with us right now.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

A man told me I could
pick up an application here.

[GAS PUMP DINGS]

Hey, you're new, aren't you?

Yeah.

Kind of foxy too.

I'll be working downtown
tonight if you get lonely, fella.

Uh... sorry, I
don't go that route.

Well, at least you
don't keep it in the closet

like a lot of guys.

Oh. Oh.

Um, well, uh...

on second thought, uh...

I, uh...

My name's Dave,
and, uh... I am lonely.

K.C., lonely boy. K.C. McBride.

How you doing? Hi.

Play the guitar?

Honey, you are looking at

Erie County's answer
to Loretta Lynn.

Gonna, you know... A career
out of country-western, huh?

Yeah.

But if my luck
doesn't change soon,

it's gonna be the
oblivion express

right back to South
Buffalo, Lackawanna blues.

Excuse me, now, I gotta boogie.

Hey, well, how about
some chow later?

And we can discuss your career.

Changing your politics a
little there, eh, lonely boy?

Well, don't get me
wrong, you know, I...

Hey, hey! I don't mind a
few kinks in the road of life.

♪ Nobody loves you ♪

♪ Quite like you do ♪♪

[BELL RINGING]

You never heard of
the energy crisis, huh?

STARSKY: What did
Kingston have to say?

Well, aside from the money,

O'Connor was also
missing a good-luck piece.

Yeah? What did it look like?

It was a gold medallion
with an inlay of turquoise.

Here. He made a sketch of it.

Interesting, huh?

Let me look at it.

Oh, get this. This is weird.

Hmm?

Not only were all the
victims' cabs Metro,

but they were old
checker cabs like this.

Maybe there's a
lot of them here.

Uh-uh. They only
got five in a fleet of .

You're just lucky to get one.

It's my karma.

Yeah.

Here.

And, uh, check out that
stand at rd and Main

as much as possible.

All the cabbies picked up
their last fares down there.

Terrific. Maybe I'll get lucky
and be strangled tonight.

Oh, come on.

[STARTS ENGINE]

LIONEL: Just a... Just a...

A touch more shadow,

don't you think?

GRAMPS: Oh, Lionel!

You're playing King
Lear, not Auntie Mame.

Yes, but what about the...

Now hush up.

I do appreciate
your help, Gramps.

You know, that makeup
man down at the Savoy...

he's got about as much finesse

as a bloody stump.

There.

Just a... A hint of rouge

for a rash disposition.

There, Lionel, my lord.

You are ready for your entrance.

Not quite, Gramps.

[LIGHTNING CRASHES]

K.C.: ♪ You see Every
golden hair in place ♪

♪ Your shiny
White-capped teeth ♪

♪ You're leavin'
me One more time ♪

♪ For a night out On the town ♪

♪ Thinkin' I'll
be waitin' here ♪

♪ When you come Back around ♪

♪ Nobody loves you
Quite like you do ♪

♪ Even though you think ♪

♪ The whole world cares ♪

[SNORING]

♪ Nobody loves you
Quite like you do ♪

♪ Ah, but one day You'll see ♪

♪ You really needed me ♪

♪ But I won't be Around you ♪

♪ Anywhere ♪♪

[SNORING]

Hey! Hmm!

Oh, bravo! Hey,
that was terrific.

Yeah. You were
snoring right on key.

I was listening. You
even missed the rain.

What?

Oh.

You're a nice guy,
you know that?

You invite a girl out
for pizza by candlelight

and then you fall
asleep for dessert.

I'm sorry, K.C.

Besides, I was dreaming of you.

Oh! Somebody,
please, get me a shovel.

Oh, but I'm all rested up now.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, well, this
girl's already gone.

Oh, uh, well, what about me?

Just keep your nose
clean and your mind dirty.

Oh!

[LAUGHS]

Hmm.

To the Strip, my man,

and I need to be
there, like, yesterday.

Look, uh, could you
take the cab behind me?

I'm waiting for someone.

Say, man, I don't care if you're
waiting on the Shah of Iran.

Now, I'm running late
and I need to motivate.

But there's another cab.

You're just wasting
your time, my man.

You're not kidding.

[STARTS ENGINE]

[FOOT SCRAPING]

Good evening.

[FUNKY MUSIC ON RADIO]

Say, my man, you
wanna step on it?

I mean, like, I turn into
a pumpkin at sunrise.

Don't push it, chum.
I've had a long night.

Say what?

Well, now, if you're
tired and run-down,

I got enough recreational
stimulants here

for a traveling crime factory.

Here comes the pitch.

Man, I got whites for
that run-down feeling,

and I got yellows
for iron-poor blood,

and I got reds to just
plain get down and boogie.

Your momma know
you're doing this?

I got truly rude ludes.

I got DMT, PCP

and a virtual smorgasbord
of snappers, poppers.

And not to mention
the Venezuelan whiff.

I whiffed at the office.

And you know
something, my man...

with these...

you could win an
Olympic decathlon.

Police, chump. You
just made a sale.

Oh, wow, man! I
was only kidding.

[GROANS, SIGHS]

You sure you wanna
get out here, pop?

Strange time and place
to be going for a walk.

"Pray do not mock me.

I am a very foolish
and fond old man."

What did you say?

"To deal plainly...

I fear I am not in
my perfect mind."

What's that?

Act IV, Scene VII.

Argh!

Man, you guys can't hold me

on no lousy medallion.

STARSKY: And how about
impersonating a medicine cabinet

with intent to sell, dummy?

Look, I'm cooperating
as much as I can.

And I tell you, I
found the thing.

I mean, the dude
just threw it away.

HUTCH: Right in front of you.

And you didn't get
a look at him, huh?

Like I said, man,

he was an older
dude with a long coat.

A regular eagle eye, ain't you?

What are you guys doing here?

STARSKY: I don't know.

Where would you like us to be?

Try Elmwood and North.

Number four?

They just found the body.

STARSKY: I seen him
around Metro, I think.

The name's Benson.

BAKER: Joseph Riley Benson, sir.

years of age.

Baker, how come you're
always first on the scene?

Just lucky, I guess.

Here's his trip sheet.

And I found this map in
the glove compartment.

What does the trip sheet say?

Same as the
others. rd and Main.

I was working there last night.

Four deaths in
four identical cabs.

What is it with these things?

I don't know. Maybe the
guy doesn't dig the styling.

And why is it always
the same cab stand?

Well, maybe something
happened down there...

Something the guy doesn't like.

Enough to k*ll for, maybe.

[POLICE RADIO DISPATCH]:
Chestnut, a -X.

Hmm. What you got?

It's a report of an accident
Joseph Benson was in.

The cab company makes
you fill these things out

every night you come in
with a dent in your fender.

What did he hit?

According to this, a dog.

A dog?

Yeah, and the mechanic says,

"Minor damage to right
front fender, traces of blood."

So, what's the big deal?

Well, aside from the fact

this thing's dated
over two years ago...

these accident reports

are usually the confidential
property of the cab company.

Why'd Benson have it?

Why don't we go
ask our local DJ?

Someone broke in to it
yesterday while I was out.

No, thank you. I
got a bunch of them.

Maybe Benson was
trying to clean his record.

If he was, there's a whole
lot of them that he missed.

He was in other accidents?

Benson? He was
always hitting something.

Especially the bottle.

I'm gonna check his
locker. You got the key?

Yes, sir, I do.

Officer.

Number .

Man... they let anyone
on the force these days.

HUTCH: Tell me about it.

You were working the
night of that accident, right?

Yeah.

CABBIE: Cab ,
free at the airport.

Well, uh, sit tight
'cause it's all right.

A convention of dental
technicians coming in tonight.

Yeah. I was working that
night. But it was no big thing.

As I remember,

Benson pulled in around
in the morning, semi-wasted.

Said that he hit a
dog or something.

Benson hit something that
night, but it wasn't a dog.

HUTCH: What do you got?

Found this in his locker.
Dated two years ago.

Same day as the report.

Zebra Three.

WOMAN [ON RADIO]: Records
show one Lionel Fitzgerald

left County General last month
but left no forwarding address.

Does he have any relatives?

A grandfather of the same
name at Lennox.

That's near where we
found that medallion.

Zebra Three on
call to Lennox.

[SIREN WAILING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

We're gonna have to finish
this a little later on, Gramps.

Whatever happened
to good manners?

STARSKY: Mr. Fitzgerald?

Who is asking?

STARSKY: Police.

You have proof of that?

Very well. So you're a hero.

Now, what is it you want?

We're looking for your grandson.

[CHUCKLES]

If you find him, let me know.

I've not entertained the
bloody rake in over two weeks.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You live here by yourself?

Old and neglected,

while my grandson has
set himself up in grand style

at the Ambassador Hotel.

GRAMPS: Well, what is
it you want, gentlemen?

What do you want to know?

We'd like to question your
grandson about some murders.

Lionel?

Why, Lionel is one of
the gentlest, mildest souls

that ever lived,

besides being one of
our finest young actors.

I thought his career in
the theater was finished.

GRAMPS: Oh, no, no.

As a matter of
fact, Lionel is a...

[DOOR CREAKS]

If you want to snoop
around like a basset hound,

you'd best provide a
search warrant in Braille.

Well...

[CLEARS THROAT]

there's no need to get
violent, Mr. Fitzgerald.

Gentlemen...

you'll excuse me if I
don't show you to the door.

What theater did you
say Lionel was playing at?

The Savoy.

And he's an absolute smash.

Mr. Fitzgerald, the Savoy
has been closed for over a year.

You think the old
man's on the level?

Not about living
alone, he's not.

How's that? Well,
he says he's blind.

He's got the morning
paper sitting on his table.

Well... why don't we
go to the Ambassador

to check out Fitzgerald III?

I'll check it out.

You're going back
in the cab business.

You were absolutely
splendid, Gramps.

Thanks, Gramps.

GRAMPS: You lied to me, Lionel.

The Savoy Theater has
been dark for over a year.

Where have you been
going all these nights?

To the movies.

There are theaters that
show them all the way to dawn.

Dreadful pictures mostly.

But at least it's a
refuge for the misfits...

the deserted...

the crippled.

Lionel. Lionel.

Where are you going?

Why are you all
dressed up like this?

Please, Gramps, let me go.

No, don't leave.
I won't let you.

I'll call the police.

You will not call
the police, Gramps.

[WHISTLES] Argh!

Hiya. How you doing?

Dreaming I was somewhere
else 'til you came along.

Oh, what time is it?

It's :.

Where you going?

I am heading for a
nervous breakdown

if I don't get some shuteye.

And don't try to call me

'cause it'll be off the hook.

WOMAN: Could you
give an old lady a lift?

Oh. Oh, I was just
finished for the night.

Yeah, but I'm sure
he'd be very happy

to take you anywhere
you'd like to go, ma'am.

Why, thank you both.

Where would you
be without me, huh?

Home.

Don't run into anything.

Could you drive
through the park?

I'd like to see the sun rise...

through the trees.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SHUTS ENGINE OFF]

GRAMPS: Help!
Help! Let me out! Help!

Help! Let me out! Help!

Help! Let me out!

Is that you, Lionel?

Lionel! You let me out of
here. Open up this door.

Lionel! Oh, Lionel! Lionel!

Where's your son? Who are you?

Police. Where's your grandson?

I don't know. You've got to
do something. He's gone out.

Old man, where
is he? I don't know.

You've got to stop
him. Now, let me out!

You've got to stop
him. He's gone out!

Calm down! Calm
down! I tried to stop him!

Just sit down and calm down!

All right, now where's he gone?

Did he tell you
anything? No. Nothing.

Only, he was gonna go
out and make 'em all pay.

And then he put on some
kind of crazy costume.

What? He put on a
costume? What costume?

I don't know.

A wig and a silk dress

and a fox fur thrown over
his shoulders like an old lady.

Starsky.

[RADIO BLARES JAZZY MUSIC]

That's the third time
around the park, ma'am.

The meter's into double figures.

Well...

I suppose...

that's enough.

Could you drop me
at Pine and Lincoln?

Cab number .

Blue to Lincoln and Pine.

KINGSTON [ON RADIO]: I
read you, , at Lincoln and Pine.

Young man, do you mind
turning off your radio?

It's awfully harsh
on one's ears.

[RADIO CLICKS OFF]

[WALKIE-TALKIE STATIC]

[SHUTS OFF WALKIE-TALKIE]

Thank you.

Starsky. Starsky,
do you read me?

Starsky, come in!

Zebra Three to control.

Zebra Three to control!

WOMAN: Come in, Zebra Three.

Request immediate contact
with the dispatcher from Metro...

Forget it.

WOMAN: Whoa!

[TIRES SCREECH]

K.C.: Hey, honey. All
you had to do was whistle.

What...? Kingston.

Hey, partner, I don't
know what your problem is!

Damn it, Kingston! Come in!

KINGSTON: Who
beckons me so frantically?

Look, Kingston,
cut the jive, will you?

This is Hutchinson.
Get ahold of Starsky.

I think he's
picked up the k*ller.

KINGSTON: Right! Dave did?

What are you doing?
Can't just sit here!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Calling Number .

Come on, Number
. Talk to me, baby.

He doesn't answer, Sarge.

But the last time he called,

he was headed for
Lincoln and Pine.

HUTCH: We're on our way.

"I 'gin to be aweary of the sun.

"And wish the
estate of the world

were now undone."

[STARSKY GRUNTS]

[FOOT SCRAPING GROUND]

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS ANGRILY]

[GROANS]

"Life! Yes!

"A tale told by an idiot

"full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing!"

[CAN BANGS]

[GROANS]

Listen... Lionel...

I'm a cop.

Oh?

You don't have to k*ll anymore.

The man who messed
you up... is already dead.

You've got to stop k*lling.

Don't you understand?

I could have been an Olivier.

A Barrymore.

A Keane.

I brought the house
down that night!

They all said so!

Now this is my stage!

This is not a stage!

This is a dirty back alley!

And what you're in is a
play, and it's called life!

[LAUGHING] Life?

"A tale...

"told by an idiot...

"full of sound...

"and fury...

"signifying...

nothing."

[TIRES SCREECHING]

HUTCH: Down the alley!

[CAR HORN BLARING]

What took you so long?

We stopped for ice
cream. You okay?

I'll make it.

I don't know about him.

[WHISPERING] Oh, God. God.

"How weary, stale...

"flat and unprofitable
seem to me

all the uses of this world."

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS]

It's bye to the cab business
and hello to the fab business.

'Cause there's no
business like show business.

Kingston, I can't believe
you got a job as a DJ.

Better than that, baby.

What you're looking at
is an exclusive manager

of a soon-to-be major artiste.

K.C.: Tell 'em who
the artiste is, Kingston.

KINGSTON: Excuse me.

[BOTH CLEAR THROAT]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to introduce
for your listening pleasure

that Duchess of Downhome.

That incomparable K.C. McBride.

♪ Nobody loves you
Quite like you do ♪♪

Ah, Kingston, you know, you're
one of those island rockers.

She's a country
and western singer.

We got country and
western in the islands too,

except we call
it jungle western.

K.C.: And we got
us a producer too.

I put an ad in Variety
and within hours

this guy called and said
he wanted to produce me.

In fact, he's supposed to be
meeting us here any minute now.

STARSKY: Wait a second.

Now this guy's a stranger.

I mean, how do you
know he's on the level?

K.C.: Well, he was
born in a dressing room

in the Grand Ole Opry.

You can't get any
more genuine than that.

And he's had so
many hit records,

he couldn't even
begin to name them.

K.C.: I figure he's
hardcore country

with a name like Buck
"The Panhandle" Bear.

[WITH BAD SOUTHERN
ACCENT] Mercy, faith, good buddy.

Did I hear somebody
call my name?

STARSKY: ♪ Nobody
loves you Like you do ♪♪