02x11 - Kimmy Meets a Celebrity!

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Mom.

My therapist thinks I should deal
with some stuff I've been avoiding.

So I guess next, I'll be talking
to a picture of broccoli.

But seriously, I do wish I had
an actual photograph of you for this.

It would be cool if Geena Davis
were my mom, though.

I'll be all, "I don't want to do
my homework, Geena Davis!"

What are you doing to Geena?

I did not get this
so you could talk to it.

I got it because the dry cleaner guy's
back was turned

and they owed me
for shrinking all my pants.

Shut up.

Well, Andrea wants me
to pretend to talk to my mom,

so it's either this or that water stain
that looks like a face.

Kimmy, that does not look like...

Oh, my God, what do you want?

I'll do whatever you say.

Titus, my therapy homework is hard enough.

I don't have time for you
to freak out at the wall...

Who sent you?

You're not welcome here! Aah!

Look, if you want to talk to your mom,

do regression therapy.

It's something I saw on TV backwards.

What do you mean backwards?

I set up a system of mirrors so I could
see the TV from the toilet, okay?

- Do you want my help or not?
- No.

Too late!

We're giving birth to baby Kimmy.

This is dumb, Titus.

I set aside today
for some serious Kimmy time.

You can hear your mother's voice.

"My baby, she's a-coming.

And she's gonna be sweeter
than Mee-Maw's shoo-fly pie!"

Are you trying to help me,

or are you just practicing accents?

Her vital signs are very good.

I'm the hospital's top scientist.

I'm the top nurse,
and I never seen ya before in my life!

Someone call the Irish priest
who also does impressions!

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?

- Snap out of it!
- Hello?

Surprise! It's Cyndee.

Pokorny? From kidnapping?

- I'll be back.
- I'm in New York!

Wait, you're here?

Like, now?

"E.T. phone home."

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

Unbelievable! A surprise visit?

I like Cyndee.

She's who I got
when I took the Mole Women Quiz.

You were a Gretchen.

Andrea gave me this sticker
at our last session.

It's a sheep with a guitar,

and it says, "Ewe rock!"

How? It's not even plugged in.

The plug's behind her, Titus!

Andrea told me so!

But it doesn't even matter.

I can't rock now 'cause I'm gonna
get sucked into Cyndee's

shenanigans againigans.

Well, maybe this time,
you let Cyndee do Cyndee.

That's the problem. She can't.

She never could.

Where have you been?

It's Penance Night.

We have to crank until dawn.

I can't do it.

Can Man dumped me.

What? Cyndee, he's made of cans.

I just want to lie in bed
and watch Titanic and cry.

What do you want,
Bill Pullman or Paxton?

I'm an old lady with no necklace.

That movie is so sad.

When Leonardo DiCaprio
has to draw that fat white girl...

And she doesn't even want to hear
what I really think,

'cause it's super
that she's engaged to a gay guy

and her job is crying
and telling people she's a Mole Woman.

Oh, and she's definitely fluent
in French now,

'cause she went to college in a dream.

Kimmy, I don't know what to say.

So I'm hoping that the tone of my voice

makes you think that I do, okay, sweetie?

Thanks, Titus.

Knock, knock!

I always wanted to say that,

but I was never on the other side
of a door from you!

Grab it.

I've been saving that for you

ever since I caught it
at a Backstreet Boys concert.

Did you know they're all the old one now?

Oh...

Titus!

Hey, Titus!

What's with the hair?

You look Travolta with his wig off.

I'll have you know

this hairstyle is all the rage

among hipsters and Pentecostal elders.

Ha.

Fine.

I signed up for a drug trial
to make money.

I can't shave my hair
because it might be a side effect.

A drug trial?

So you're helping Big Pharma
give old men boners?

That's my job.

You think I want to be doing this?

I thought helping cure cancer or whatever

would bring me respect.

But it's humiliating.

They treat me like a piece of meat

but in a bad way.

And I'm broke,
so I have to sit there and take it

but in a bad way.

Count your blessings.

I chained myself to a bulldozer.

I can't get anybody to notice.

I mean, where is everybody?

Mikey told me Shark Week
is now a union holiday.

So I got to spend a whole week out here?

It'll be all right.

I'm doing this for the neighborhood,

so the neighborhood will take care of me.

Ah! See?

I'm bored.

The neighborhood brings me a newspaper.

Oh, it's just a Learning Annex brochure.

And I'm supposed to be teaching

"Dress for Success" right now.

Hey! Hey!

Pff!

The way I see it, being a Mole Woman
is a full-time job.

When I get home, I have to cut the ribbon

at the grand opening
of a new ribbon store.

But how will I know when to stop cutting?

And how's Brandon?

Is he in New York?

Mentally, always.

And also, yeah.

We still haven't set a date yet

because he keeps planning bachelor parties

with guys he meets on the Internet.

Well, I'm just so happy for you...

...kulele music.

Thanks, Kimmy.

My life's perfect.

The only thing left to do

is get married and start a family.

Wow, family...

with Brandon.

And you'll be some kid's mother.

Actually, I read
the average American family

has two and a half kids,

so I hope we get to choose which half,

because I like the top.

That's where the face is.

Cyndee...

But, um, my therapist
has his own ideas about that.

You're in therapy?

Mm-hmm.

Get out back and hold the monkey!

I'm in therapy!

You?

Wow!

I was afraid you were gonna judge me
for getting help,

'cause you were always so tough and...

...in the bunker.

And not just on the toilet pumpkin.

Okay.

You're getting help. That's great.

So how long have you been in therapy?

Well, I've only been doing it
a couple of weeks.

And it's only been over the phone,

because his office is actually here

in Jew York.

You should come with me.

I'm meeting him today.

That's great!

And if you work super hard,

maybe you'll get a sticker

of a sheep with a plugged-in guitar

and it says, "Ewe rock!"

I don't get it.

Tragedy can shape our minds,

but it doesn't have to shape our futures.

And that's what I want
to talk to you about today

and all this week

on The Dr. Dave Show!

Please welcome your Superstars of Tragedy.

A Celebration of Courage sponsored by

Splotchguard Stain Blaster:

"Life is messy.
Your clothes don't have to be."

As a child, she spent three weeks
trapped in a well.

It's well-baby, "Baby Debbie,"

Deborah Wells!

He has a disease so rare

that they named it after him.

Please welcome Thomas Vletchen
and his syndrome.

You first met them as twins
conjoined at the crotch.

Now one of them wants back in.

It's Bob and Bub Kittle.

She was eaten and then pooped out

by the orca that she raised at SeaWorld...

please do not applaud, it's a trigger...

Holly Krieger.

It's because Tonku kept doing shows
when I was in him

and I could hear the crowd applaud.

Totally understandable.

Finally, Buzzfeed ranked her tragedy

one of the top ten most disturbing

bunker kidnappings of 2015.

It's Indiana Mole Woman Cyndee Pokorny!

Are you ready to heal?

Forget blood cancer, Judy.

We might just have a hair thickness drug
on our hands.

Mr. Doctor, we have been standing here
for an hour.

Give us our clothes, or turn up the heat.

Take note.

Meat Slab 35 is sensitive to temperature

in addition to the obvious bloating
and shoulder loss.

Lookit. Can I at least shave my head?

I'm sorry, meat slabs,
but we have to continue monitoring this.

I do apologize if it interferes

with your fast-paced lifestyles
of subway masturbation

and being set on fire by prep school kids.

Now take your clothes.

How dare you?

I am a person who deserves respect.

I will not be treated like an animal

unless it's a glistening panther
emerging from an infinity pool.

So I say to you, good day, sir.

Patients who fail to complete the trial

will not receive the other half
of their $20 bill.

Very well.

Do what you will with my body,

but you will never take away my dignity.

Who stole my clothes?

Stupid hospital lost and found.

What does it want?

Titus, I don't know what I just saw.

Okay.

When two homeless men
love each very much...

No, not this time.

Have you ever heard of Dr. Dave?

Heard of him?

I heard him...

on TV.

Well, he's Cyndee's therapist,

and I'm real confused.

Dr. Dave's show is different

from my therapy.

Cyndee, in your pre-interview,

you said that you hate the man

that kept you c*ptive for 15 years

but that you love coconut.

Just something to think about.

Of course I want to get reattached to him.

He got the genitals!

Ooh!

Uh-oh!
Guys, guys.

So you're gonna see someone now.

No. No!

- Stop running, Holly.
- No!

- Let Tonku swallow you.
- No! No!

Thomas, the audience has spoken.

You are the worst singer.

What the Helvetica Bold
did I just applaud at?

People go to therapy on TV now?

What's next,

watching people H-U-M-P on your computer?

It's called therapy-tainment, girl.

It's a legitimate form of entertain-apy
that started while you were in the bunker.

Are you even studying
the flash cards I made?

Yes, but they're mostly about Tyrese.

Well, Dr. Dave is a miracle worker.

His episode about
getting out of your depression

got me to flip my mattress.

He changes lives, Kimstagram.

Well, that's what I want for Cyndee.

And obviously she listens to him.

Must be nice for Dr. Dave.

People listen to him,

treat him with respect.

They don't tell him
to poop in a cup up to a line

and then get all mad and accuse him
of not following instructions.

Excuse me, sir?

"Sir"?

I think he's talking to you.

No, sir, you...

the person.

Oh, because I've only heard
the kind of "sir"

that comes before

"the store microwave
is for breakfast sandwiches only.

Please remove your wet laundry and wigs."

Why would you...

Titus, you still there?

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Where were we?

Something about me being a person.

Say it again.

Um, can you buy me movie tickets?

It's rated R, and my dad is...

- In jail.
- No, in Hong Kong for work.

They have jails there.

I just need you to buy the tickets
and take me and my friend in later.

I have my dad's credit card.

So you just have to see
The Human Centipede 5:

A Need for Pede?

In this one, he makes all the women
into a sports car.

Tyler, when I was your age,

a terrible movie was something like

Britney Spears' Crossroads,

and it was extraordinary.

But this is simply garbage.

Your father knows what he's talking about.

And that's not all I know.

This way, all the popcorn
gets nutrition on it.

Huh, smart.

That's right.

I'm smart,

like that Jennifer Aniston water.

So we've covered popcorn,
pre-Federline Britney,

and the appropriate reaction
to a broken escalator...

Yell, "Who stole my wheelchair?"
and wait to be carried up.

What else can I pour
into your little mind sponge?

Well, uh...

that other ticket is for a girl I like.

Oh, I get it.

Take her to an R-rated movie

and she's all, "You're so grown up."

And you're like, "Baby, your neck
is so thin and bumpless,"

or whatever it is you straights
like about women.

So do you think I'm dressed okay?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

You look perfect...

for a bus ride to Atlantic City
on Christmas.

First off, you need to put on a tie.

Women like a little effort
but not too much.

They hate that.

They also hate trying on jeans,

the word "moist,"

and sitting at the table under the vent.

But I don't actually own a tie.

Can you take me shopping or something?

Oh, you've made me and your mother
so happy.

"Your mother" is what I call
your father's credit card.

Ugh.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse...

out of hunger this time

and not just 'cause I can't read
Portuguese.

Pizza Rat!

I knew the neighborhood would provide.

Come here, girl.

Come here.

No, no, no, no, no.

Bring me the pizza.

Oh, come on, I introduced your parents.

Pfff!

You know, when my assistant told me
the second Mole Woman wanted to see me,

at first, I thought it must be
another delightful prank

played by my very dear friend,

William Joel.

It's Billy... Billy Joel.

His friends call him William.

Have a seat, please, Kimmy.

Ah, what seems to be troubling you?

Here, let me guess.

Since the bunker,
you've been trying to gain control

through countless serial sexual partners?

Cereal what? No.

I mean, yeah,
I've thought about Tony the Tiger.

We meet at a provocative art opening...

Okay, hang on right there.

Ooh.

Yeah, we could do a show about you.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I don't want to be on TV.

I'm here about Cyndee.

Mm-hmm.

But she would k*ll me if she knew
I was going behind her back.

The only person
who's ever k*lled on this show

is the hilarious Louie Anderson,
and that woman deserved it.

Go on.

Okay, you've got to get Cyndee
to change her life.

Kimmy, I'm not a magician...

during the week.

But what I hear

is that you feel responsible
for your friend?

You don't have to take all that on,
my darling.

Thank you.

It's not fair.

I've got my own me to be.

Mm!

I think you just named my next book.

Ah, the cover, is a, uh...

a bee climbing up a mountain.

Now, look.

Help me help Cyndee,

and we'll make her the focus
of tomorrow's show.

And since we tape five shows in a day,

tomorrow's in 20 minutes.

- What do you think?
- Tomorrow is today?

In more ways than one.

Kimmy, tell me everything.

Now wrap the big-boned, healthy end

around the scrawny little part

that magazine covers
tell us ties should look like.

Tuck it back through this bulgy part...

that's what she said...

and Viola Davis, you're done.

You look like a young Morgan Freeman,
which many say never existed.

I'm so nervous.

How will I know if Vanessa
wants me to kiss her?

Mm, in my experience,

you wait so long that the girl
eventually kisses you

and then yells, "What's your deal?"

But in this case,
that movie's gonna scare her.

She'll get all clingy.

So you put your arm around her

and look at her like
she's the only woman in the world.

That's when it's time to put your mouth

on her mouth,

like The Human Centipede's Dr. Heiter

puts mouths on butts.

I think today is the first time
I've ever gotten advice about girls.

Oh, and never buy them a cell phone case.

They are very particular.
You will not be right.

You know, the last time my dad

had to take me to school,

he tried to drop me off
at my old elementary school.

I wish I had a dad like you, Titus.

I wish I had a son like you, Tyler.

I wish I had a son.

I should have a baby.

Then I'd feel like this all the time...

respected, listened to,

adored...

everything a Titus should be.

Cyndee was right.

A baby is always a great idea!

Titus, that's her.

It was days before they realized
where I was,

which is why I started a charity
that goes around the country

throwing roast beef sandwiches down wells.

Oh. Oh.

That's, uh...

So I'll just watch on this puppy?

What are you working with here, a Sears?

Titus and I have a Sears.

How's the tint? Nice.

Cyndee,

when we flew you to New York
on Delta Airlines...

Delta: "We hate this as much as you do"...

you said that you wanted closure.

I said "overness" and "done-itude."

- Is that the same thing?
- Sure it is.

But it's not all about the past.

How do you feel about the future, Cyndee?

Real good.

"So bright, I need shades" good.

Yeah, that's so interesting,
because I heard

that your future is so dim

that you need night vision goggles...

Donaldson's Night Vision Goggles:

"Own the night, perv."

Wait, who said that about me?

I promised I wouldn't tell,

but this Mole Woman... or man...

said, and I quote,

"Cyndee's not ready for a baby,

wherever they come from,

'cause there's no way
that what Titus told me is right.

How could it fit?"

Sun on a beach! What the fudge?

Kimmy!

- Schmidt!
- Hang on.

I didn't say that,
and I certainly don't want

some big fight on my stage,

because Kimmy...

Uh-oh, here she comes!

Magic wall... No!

What is wrong with you?

You went behind my back
and lied to my front?

You better stay away from my sides.

Ooh!

You think me and Brandon
having a baby is crazy?

Look, can we do this in private?

Guess what, Kimmy.
Gay guys can have babies.

I saw it at the airport.

They just come out Chinese!

Ladies, ladies... Please, please.

Let's not do something
that could go viral.

#MoleFight.

No, Cyndee.

You shouldn't have a baby,

because you're a baby!

Why?

Because I cry sometimes

and laugh at keys

and spit up milk a lot?

I was gonna name my first kid after you!

But now I wouldn't even name

a bottom-half half kid after you!

And that's where the butt is!

- Ooh!
- Oh, snap!

That "oh, snap" moment
was brought to you by

Spine-Snap Possum Traps:

"When you hear the snap,

you got a possum to bury."

I'm gonna freeze to death.

I feel like I'm sitting under a vent.

Oh, Meth-Head Charlie!

You brought me all my stuff...

my winter coat, my stereo,

my copper pipes!

You robbed me!

Methadone H. Charles,

you bring back my radiator

this instant!

♪ I am a soda inventor ♪

♪ Prepare your mouth
for a soda adventure ♪

Tyler, what happened?

I hate you.

I did everything you said.

I put my arm around her
and looked at her eyeballs,

and she goes, "You think this is a date?"

She never even liked me,
and it's all your fault!

And I wish I never met you!

Tyler Middle Name Last Name,
I know you didn't mean that.

Young man, you come back here

and say something nice about me

this instant!

Look, you're mad at the wrong person.

Why are you even still here?

You think of a new way
to s*ab me in the back...

maybe with a fork glued to a boomerang?

You're the one who stabs yourself
in the back, Cyndee,

with... I don't know... a sword

that goes all the way around the world!

Why can't you just support me?

Nope, not interested.

What? I'm not crying for you.

I'm crying for me.

Sometimes it feels good
to feel feelings, Kimmy.

Brandon says the ancient Greeks
called it "catharsis,"

and it's just one of the many ways
they were real smart about stuff.

No, this is you letting another man
manipulate you.

The Reverend made you cry.

Can Man made you cry.

Donna Maria wearing
that cardboard mustache made you cry.

Don Mario,
the Spanish-language insult comic,

was mean.

I don't let other people
tell me how I feel.

That's why I never cried in the bunker.

Never?

Not even when you were alone?

- That's...
- That's nuts.

Seriously, Kimmy, if you ever want
to come back on the show...

I thought you were a good doctor.

But you're a creep,

like Doc Brown from Back to the Future.

Why is he asking a 16-year-old boy

to meet him alone in an empty parking lot

with a video camera?

Right.

Cyndee, Cyndee...

I know that was very difficult for you,

but now that you've confronted
your greatest nemesis, Kimmy,

I think you're finally ready

to move forward and start a new life,

which is why I want this Thursday's show,

which tapes in 12 minutes,

to be your dream wedding
to Brandon Yeagley,

brought to you by all-new episodes

of American Horror Story: Ghost Bus!

Oh!

- Yay!
- Not before the wedding!

You know what? I tried.

I'm not gonna be part of this.

Good, 'cause this wedding's
gonna be real emotional.

And I'm totally gonna cry.

Yeah, I'm crying on the inside right now.

Because we're not robots, Kimmy,

unlike you.

Oh, so my brain's a computer,

I have a built-in jetpack,

and my name stands for something cool,

like "k*ller Imagination Mega-Machine,
Ya heard"?

Nice insult!

If you're dead,

may I have your hair for a wig I dreamed?

Please.

If anything's gonna k*ll me,

it'll be my lover, Bobby Durst.

Why did you never have children?

Oh, I'm not a mom type.

I guess I wanted to hold on to my freedom.

To this day,

if I see a raccoon,

I can follow it,
see where it takes all that stuff,

and then that's my stuff.

Kids can make you feel like
you're king of the world,

like Leonardo DiCaprio

before chubs took over
the whole floating door.

And then they turn on you for no reason,

like me with Kate Winslet.

You know, I do have a child...

this neighborhood.

Lame.

I take care of it.

I protect it.

I'd do anything for it.

But I was stupid to think

I'd get anything back,

'cause kids are selfish,

and they take you for granted.

And you love them anyway.

That's what parenting is all about.

You give and you give,

and you end up cold, hungry,

and handcuffed to a bulldozer.

What if you still think
maybe it's worth it?

Well, then you're a sucker.

Hey, what's with all this kid talk?

Mikey knock you up?

No.

We're being careful.

It's just, after I ran away from Vonda,

I thought my only chance for a family

was a Klumps scenario.

Now I'm 30-mumble.

- I could get married.
- Hmm.

I could have a kid.

I know it would come out Chinese,

but it'd still be a little Titus.

The world could use more Tituses.

The plural is Titi.

Fine! Have a nice life, Cyndee!

Good rid-dance.

Now I can get back to focusing on me.

I'll start with you, hands.

How's it going?

Nice!

Aww...

Cyndee, what happened to us?

I can't just abandon her.

Dang it.

I've got to stop this wedding!

Oh, Mole Two is back.

Quick, get some makeup on her.

Under the lights, she looks like
a glow-in-the-dark Happy Meal toy.

Good, good!

Are you ready to heal?

Oh, my gosh.

This is exactly what he wants

for his dumb show.

I'm not his puppet.

On today's show,
a Mole Woman wedding.

No.

This is not how Cyndee Pokorny
gets married.

But if I wreck her wedding,

Cyndee will never talk to me again.

No matter what I do, she's gone.

Either way, I'll lose her forever.

Um, as part of my vows,

I'd like to ask again
if anyone objects to this union.

Boy, you're lucky you have friends

who know what you've been through.

In the well, I was all alone,

until they started
throwing down sandwiches.

They were my friends.

And then I ate them.

I ate my friends.

And the next time I saw them,
they had changed.

Yeah, Debbie.

Cyndee's special to me.

But she's making a huge mistake,

and there's nothing I can do.

I hate this!

I'm trapped!

There's nothing I can do.

I'm just...

helpless and sad.

And I want my Geena Davis.

Kimmy?

Are you crying?

Because I want to help my friend

and I can't help my friend.

And I love my friend!

You're crying for me?

Fifteen years in the bunker
didn't make you cry,

but this did?

Because I care about you!

Aww.

If this wedding
is making my friend Kimmy cry,

then I'm not getting married.

Thank you, Kimmy!

Oh, God, thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is why

I went to pharmacy school.

Yes!

Next week on Dr. Dave:

Does your raccoon have OCD?
Maybe?!

- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!