03x01 - Louie's Rival

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

Saturday night is just fine.

Okay. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

( screams )
Guys!

Doug Johnson
from the art gallery

just asked me out
for this Saturday night!

Oh, that's very nice.

That's wonderful.
That's terrific.

Yes, and I don't have
a baby-sitter, so could...?

Uh, uh, uh, Bobby,
do you think...?

Uh, Elaine, I-I already
have plans. I'm sorry.

Oh, well, um,

Tony...

I'd like to, Elaine,

but I got a fight
Saturday night.

Bobby, just this once?
Come on.

Look, I have a date
Saturday night, Elaine,
with a great girl.

Oh, but I-I've been
dropping hints

for months now
for Doug to ask me out.

Hey, you know, this may be
hard for you to believe,

but other people
have relationships

that are important
to them, too.
( sighs )

And-and this girl I'm going
out with Saturday night

is every bit as important
to me as Doug is to you.

What's her name?

What time do you want me there?

8:00.

Rieger, come in here.

Rieger!
( snapping fingers )

Come in here!

Rieger!

( whispers ):
Come in here!

Wait a minute!

Stay right
where you are!

I'll come down there!

Alex?

I got problems
with my love life.

Get away from me.

Things aren't right
between Zena and me.

That's right,
the girl you like.

So now you got
to listen to me.

I could have got you
to come in the cage

if I'd have
said her name, yeah.

I don't understand it.

I mean, it's like somehow
we got out of sync.

Our gears aren't meshing
as often as they used to,

if you know what I mean.

( mutters )

Rieger, I'm pouring

my guts out to you.
You're not pouring
your guts out to me.

You're telling me that you're
not getting enough action.

Insatiable lust doesn't
make you sympathetic.

Why not?

All right, all right. I'll
tell you the real reason.

The real thing...

Yeah? What?

( mutters )
Go ahead. What?

What? Say it.

I...
Say it. Say it.

Say it! Say it!I...
Say it! Say it!

I'm afraid of losing her.

Ohh.

Alex...

Zena sees
something in me

that no other woman
ever saw--

that no other person
ever saw--

that isn't there.

All right, all right,
do you want to keep Zena?

You're going to have
to treat her better.

What makes you think I
don't treat her good now?

Well, describe a typical
evening with Zena.

We watch a little TV
and then hit the sheets.

Well, some people
call that corny,

but that's the way we are.

( mutters )

All right, all right.

Describe a typical
good evening

to you experienced,
romantic types.

All right, you go out to dinner

maybe you take in
a movie,

you go home,
and you talk.

Dinner, talk...

Yeah? Well, well, well?

You don't want to know
what you talk about?

Yeah. I mean,
give me an example.

Sports,
people you have in common.

You talk.

Sports...

people in common...

You mean, like, uh,
if the house looks clean

I could say,
"Hey, the place looks great."

Sure.

That was my idea.

I thought of the words.

You just said, "talk."

( chuckling )

I got the golden key here.

Look out, world.

Dinner, movies...

sports...

Gee, the place
looks immaculate.

You're going
to get it.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
your attitude.

Trying to romance you
is like trying

to blow your nose
without a handkerchief.

That's disgusting.

I can't do
nothing right tonight.

87 bucks
for a French meal

you don't want to eat,
they don't want me
to take home.

I got to go out and find
my own bags at 8:00 at night.

I don't know
what the hell this is.

You order something with eyes?

No.

Me, neither.

Look, Louie, I'd like to
get to sleep early tonight,

so if you don't mind...

No, no, no.
I don't mind.

Louie. Louie!

What, what? I'll
brush my teeth
in the morning.

I want you to leave here.

I want you
to leave my apartment.

I want you
to leave me alone.

Boy, this place

looks immaculate.

Louie, I don't want
to be ignored.

I need to be alone.
I'm very tense tonight.

I know what'll take
the tension out of you.

Oh, no. No.

( high-pitched whooping )

( shouts )

( grunts )

( choking ):
Zena, you seem

a little distant tonight.

What did I do so bad?

Send me to jail.

I think you're beautiful.

You arouse me.

Officer, take me away.

I want you to leave.

All right.

Okay, I'm leaving.

Listen...

how about one little glass
of apricot brandy,

just for the trail home?

I don't have any apricot brandy.

Louie does.

Louie, don't you
even want to know

what's bothering me?

Well, whatever it is,
it couldn't be that bad.

I mean, you still
love me, don't you?

Please let me be deaf.

( glass pings )

( low groan )

Louie...

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

But I met another man.

Louie, I didn't want
to bring it up, because...

see, I was just hoping
it would kind of
sort itself out.

I'm a little bit confused.

You see...

two weeks ago

a girlfriend and I
went to Mario's

for a drink after work,
and I met this guy, Dwight.

He's the day
bartender there.

At Mario's?

Mario's.

He asked me to go out with him.

And normally
I would have said no,

and I did think of you,

but he was so nice,

and right away there was
something good between us.

I'm sure you don't want
to know the details.

No, you don't, really.

We had lunch together.

We had several lunches.

Then one evening
we had dinner.

Then we had more dinners.

I don't know what happened,
but I kept on seeing him,

but we weren't physical.

( sighs )

We were just friends,
and it was really great.

And then, one day,
without my seeing
it coming

or anybody
planning it,

we became lovers.

It came out
of our friendship--

out of the fact

that we enjoyed
each other's company.

I don't know, maybe
if I'd seen it coming

I could have done
something to stop it,

but I didn't see
it coming.

What's wrong?

"I can't...

breathe!"

Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

What?

Oh, drink!

Okay. Here.

So what are you saying, Zena?

I mean, I'm missing something.

What are you saying?

I think it would be best

if we didn't see
each other for a while

Uh, okay.

I see you got your mind
made up about this.

If that's the way you want it,

that's the way it will be.

Let me just...
I'll get dressed

and I'll leave you alone.

One for the road.

You know something, Zena?

Someday...

you're going
to come back to me--

crawling on your knees,
begging me to take you back--

and when you do...

you know what I'll say?

I'll say...

thank God.

( low talking )

Have a beer, please?

Hey, now, look, Elaine,
you tripped me up

on this date thing
Saturday night.

Now, I know I agreed
to baby-sit your kids,

but I've reconsidered.

I've always been bad with names,
and it's really important to me,

and her name is Gloria.

Gloria who?

You said 8:00, right?

Elaine?

Would you care to dance?

Jim, um,
there's not any music.

There will be soon.
I put a quarter in the jukebox.

No. You just put a quarter
in the cigarette machine.

Well, Elaine,
would you care to smoke?

I hate to do this, but
I got to get out of here.

Got to get up
early in the morning.

What for?

I'm meeting you guys here
for breakfast.

Mm.
Ah.
Right.

We all better
get going.
Thanks, yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.

They haven't played
my cigarette yet.

ALEX:
Jim, let's go.
Let's go, Jim.

Hey, Louie.

ELAINE:
You look awful.

BOBBY:
What is that smell?

Apricots?

I'm shattered.

It's terrible.

My life is over.

Oh. Well, I'll
see you tomorrow.

See you, Louie.

( muted growling )

Hey, Lou?

Come on. Sit down.

All right.

Hey, Lou...

what's wrong?

Zena left me.

Oh, no.

I was up all night,
drinking.

The worst part
about it is

I kept Ma up
all night too.

Why was that?

What do you
want me to do?

Talk to the walls?

Rieger, did you ever have
your guts ripped out

by some woman?

Louie, I know
exactly how you feel.

I mean, just four years ago
I was going with this girl...

What am I supposed
to do, here?

My life is falling apart

so I should listen
to stories about you?

I mean, you know,
let's put

the little selfishness
in check here.

Sorry. Sorry.

I ain't even told you
the worst part.

Zena told me that she...

she said she fell for a...
a bartender

who works here at Mario's,
named Dwight.

And I think

that's him over there.

Maybe not.

Maybe not.

He doesn't look
like a Dwight.

Well, I know there's
one way to find out.

Look out, Dwight!

I think it's him.

What was that
all about?

Forget it. Forget it.
It's a false alarm.

I'm going to go talk to him.

No, no, no, no!

Rieger, Rieger, Rieger,
I'm only

going to go buy us
a couple of beers.

No, no, no, no!

I'll buy the beers.

You sit. You sit.

All right.

Uh, fine, but while
you're over there

pump the scum
for information.
No pumping.

Pump him!
No pumping.

Pump the scum!
Just beer!

Pump the scum!
No! Just beer!

Pump him! Pump the scum...

No, Louie, I'm not
going to be a spy
for you. Now, sit.

Sit!
Pump the scum.

I said sit.

Pump the scum!

Sit!

Pump him.

Stay...

Stay.

Pump the scum.
Pump...
Stay. Stay.

Stay. Sit, sit, sit!

Pump him!

Stay. Stay. Stay.

Stay. Stay...

( whispers ):
Pump him.

Two beers, please.

What?

Uh, two beers, please.

Yeah. So how
are you doing?

Huh? Fine. How are you?

Well...

I'm great now.
But I'll tell ya,

if you'd asked me yesterday,
I would have been in trouble.

But, uh, I think I finally
got it figured out.

I met this new girl
in here a few weeks ago

named Zena Sherman.

She came in one day.
I was working
the day shift.

Uh, we hit it off
real well right
away, you know?

Next thing I know, we're seeing
each other almost every day.

Things are getting
better and better all the time.

All of a sudden,
she starts getting
serious on me.

I mean, I don't have
to tell you that, uh,

that takes all the fun
out of it, you know?

So, I mean, I decided, hey,

I'm just going
to stop seeing her, you know?

Oh, uh, thank you.

Thank you.

What did he say?

Uh...
Did you find out

anything?
No, nothing much.

He didn't get around

to telling me
his dog tag numbers.

Tell me. Tell me.

Uh, all right. Uh, it is Dwight.

( growls )
No, no, no!Scum!

They been going with
each other for a
couple of weeks.

She's serious. He's not.

He's going to
break it off with her.

I don't believe it.
Yeah.

He's going to dump her?
Right.

He's going to break
Zena's heart.

That's good for me.

But it's terrible for her.

I can't help but have
mixed feelings about this.

I'm torn between joy...

and rapture.

I'm sorry, Zena.

I just thought I'd tell you
how I feel.

( door opening )

Hi.

Sorry it couldn't
work out.

Okay, okay.
Nobody's blaming you.

Hi, Zena.

Louie.

Okay, okay. So you got hurt.

We all get hurt.

Everybody gets theirs.

I got mine.

You got yours.

Everybody gets
everybody else's here.

Everybody destroys,

and everybody destroys
everybody else.

It's what separates us

from the animals.

I think we can resume
on our old footing.

I was going
to make you beg,

but I can't now.

Maybe a teeny bit.

Louie, I don't want you back.

You're going to have to do
a little better than that.

I'm serious.

What are you
talking about?

No, Louie,
I really don't.

We're through.

Look...

I didn't stop seeing you
only 'cause of Dwight.

Most of the reasons
I stopped seeing ya

have only to do with you.

I suppose that's my fault.

Louie...

you have an attitude problem.

You've got a
personality problem.

You got a sensitivity problem.

You got a
selfishness problem.

You got an
emotional problem.

You got a
maturity problem.

You got a
sexual problem.

What do you mean?

It's all you
ever think about.

You mean, that's the problem?

Yeah.

( sighing )

Zena...

Look...
There is no way

I am going
back with you.

Zena, don't you love me?

I don't know
what love is.

Well, you're in luck,
'cause I do.

And you know
something, Zena?

You couldn't hear this
from anybody else,

because I think that
I'm the only person alive

who knows what love is.

Because I read what
everybody else says it is,

and I never see
the right answer.

Okay.

All right.

You don't want
to know what love is?

All right. You won't
know what love is.

I'll know what love is.

This is your last chance
to know what love is.

Okay.
What is it?

Love... is the end of happiness.

( imitating plane crashing )

Because one day,

all a guy's got to do
to be happy

is to watch the Mets.

The next day,
you got to have Zena

in the room
watching the Mets with you.

You don't know why.

They're still the Mets,

it's the same room,

but you got
to have Zena there.

Ugh!

You really feel
that way, Louie?

Yes.

You can't watch the
Mets without me?

Nope.

Well, I can't watch
them now, anyway,

because it's the middle
of the winter.

But the philosophy's
the same.

You want
to see me again, Zena?

Oh, God.

Here I am, back
in the same old

stinking, lousy, crummy,
rotten relationship

all over again--

the same place I
was in to begin with.

I'll never get
out from under it.

Oh, Zena, you don't know
how happy that makes me feel.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )