03x03 - Fathers of the Bride

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

You know, Bobby,

I been thinking
about something.

Yeah?

Look at me--
I get up every morning,

I eat breakfast,

I get dressed, I go to the gym

and I come to work.

I go home, I watch TV,
and I go to sleep.

Next day, I wake up,

I start the whole thing
all over again.

Yeah, I think about my life
that way sometimes too, Tony.

It's depressing,
isn't it?

Depressing?!

I was thinking I had it made.

Hey, good evening,
everybody.

Hey, Alex.
Yo, Alex.

Hey, Louie got our
cabs ready yet?

No.
Not yet.

( groans )

Hey, Rieger,
how's your daughter?

My daughter?

I don't know,
I guess she's fine.

Haven't heard from her
for awhile.

Hey, wait a minute.

How come you're asking me
a normal human question?

I don't know.

I just thought I'd try it.

Oh.

You can ask me a normal
human question

once in a while too, you know.

It's a two-way street.

All right.

You still have
that cockroach problem, Louie?

Yeah.
ALEX:
Hm.

Thanks for asking.

There!
Would you believe that?

There's one
of the little buggers now.

( stamping foot )

Don't fight back.

LOUIE:
Looked like you, Iggy.

Thanks, boss.

Now, back to
your daughter.

How old was she

when your wife
pulled out with her?

Hey, Louie, I wouldn't
discuss the weather with you.

What makes you think
I would discuss

the personal facts
of my life?

Listen, go easy on me here.

Would you just
get away from me?

I'm trying to do this gentle.

I know something
that would break your heart.

Oh, yeah?
What do you know?

All right, let's
proceed my way and...

No, no, just tell me
what you know.

Just tell me
what you know.

Let's do it my way.

My way or no way.
You just tell me...

My way or no way!

All right, your way.

All right.

Your daughter...

what are you listening to,
Banta?

I could be here
if I want to, Louie.

No, you can't.

This is America, Louie.

No, it isn't!

It isn't?

No!

This garage is Louie Land.

You want to go to America?

Go outside.

I'll be over here
if you need me, Alex.

Yeah, so?

So how old
was your daughter

when your wife
pulled out?

All right, she was two.

Two.

Hey, what are you
getting at?

Alex, he doesn't
know anything.

What are you letting him
do this to you for?

No, no, no, I think
he knows something.

His eyes are bulging
like a frog's in heat.

Rieger, you're smart
to notice this.

Stick around, Nardo.

He's going to need
your ample bosom

to cry on
in a second.

Rieger...

your daughter's gettin' married

and the wedding is here
in New York City,

and she didn't even
invite the man

whose glands
gave her birth.

Take care
of him, honey.

Wait a minute.

How do you know that?

Here.

Read it for yourself.

Right under the roach.

All right.

Her boyfriend's father
is a UN ambassador.

I see it.

You raise a kid,

you give them two
of the best years of your life,

and they wind up
forgetting you.

That's why
I hate kids.

It's like Ma always said:

"You're better off
raising tomatoes.

You can eat 'em."

All right, all right,

come on, come on,
leave him alone.

He'll work it
out somehow.

Come on! Let's get
some cabs on the road.

Banta? Nardo, Nardo!
Wheeler! Come on.

Rieger, you snapped
out of it yet?

Come on, it's not like
it's money. Come on.

Louie, will you
knock it off? Huh?

Give the guy
some room.

You okay, Alex?

All right, will you stop making
such a big deal about this, huh?

Go on, go to work.
Go to work.

Will you go to work?

Come on, no kidding.

You heard the man.

Look, I... she lives in Brazil.

I saw her that one time
in the past few years.

All right, so she doesn't want
me at the wedding. Big deal.

Oh, now, don't assume
she doesn't want you.

I mean, it could've been
some foul-up in the mail.

Oh, please, Elaine.

Rio De Janeiro to here--
do you know how far that is?

REVEREND JIM:
Six thousand...

eight hundred and
forty-two miles.

Well...

do you know what kind
of mail system they must have?

The Brazilian mail system

is government-run

with an annual budget
of 27,485,000 pesetas.

How do you know
these things?

You mean I'm right?

I wasn't even sure if pesetas
was the right money.

Look, before you get upset,

why don't you just get
on the phone and call her?

Call her?!
Yeah.

Call Brazil?!
Yeah!

You know how much it
costs to call Brazil?

You just went to the well
once too often.

Alex, please call her.
Call her.

No... Look, all right.

All right, all right,
all right.

You're probably right.
You're probably right.

I'll call her tonight.

No, no, no! Not tonight!
Call her right now.

What are you
talking about? I...

Call her, Alex.
Go ahead.

Go on.

All right,
I'll call her now.

ELAINE:
Good.

LOUIE:
It's in this paper, too.

"After honeymooning
in the Orient,

"the newlyweds will return home
to their estate in Majorca--

a gift to them
from the bride's father."

Wow!
Nice present, Alex.

Tony, I think they meant
Cathy's other father.

( low grunting )

Hello. Hello.

Can I speak
to Cathy Consuelos, please?

Well, then, can I speak
to her mother?

No, no, no, please
don't put me on hold.

Look, I'm calling
from New York City

on a middle-class income.

I-I-I assume you're
Mrs. Consuelos' secretary?

Right, good.

Listen, I'm Alex Rieger.

I'm Cathy's natural father

and I haven't received
my... my invitations yet.

All right, all right, all right,
check, check, check--

go ahead-- but please
check fast, will you?

Check, check,
check, check...

Yes, hello, yes.

What... right.

The natural father
speaking here, yes.

What?!

Who said I shouldn't be
invited?!

Now, you just listen to me!

You tell the mother
of that bride--

I am not yelling.

I am not yelling!

You just tell
Mrs. Consuelos...

I am not! I am not!

You tell Mrs. Consuelos

that she better have
those invitations there

because I'm showing up!
You hear me?

I think you're absolutely right

in demanding
to go to the wedding.

And if you're gonna take
somebody, it better be me.

You?! Why?

Because you need me
and I want to be there.

Reel her in, Rieger.

She's bitten the hook.

Reel her in!

Oh, come on, Louie.

Reel her in, Rieger!

Reel her in, Rieger!

( waltz playing )

Alex Rieger and guest.

Ah, yes, I'm sorry, sir, but
your name isn't on the list.

How do you know so fast?

Because it's
on the list

that tells me you're
not on the list.

Now wait a minute.

Do you know that my glands
gave birth to the bride here?!

Alex...
Hmm?

Just stop it.
What do you want?

Now, the important thing

is we get in to see
your daughter, right?

We're not even invited!

Let me handle it, okay?

Okay.

Excuse me.

Do you have a light?

You don't have
a cigarette.

We don't need
a cigarette.

Should I light it?

Of course.

Listen, miss...

I will personally
be grateful to you

if you would just
look the other way

for the next few minutes.

Elaine, Elaine,
I don't like this.

My older brother here
doesn't like it

when I have that...
( snaps fingers )

instant chemical thing

with a total stranger.

I figure it's a
million-to-one sh*t

I'll ever see you again,
but I'm going to take it.

Go ahead.

You are magic.

Oh, uh, can we have a couple of
glasses of champagne, please?

ELAINE:
Yes.

Or does she have to flirt
with you, too?

Let me just...
Thank you.

Alex, stop being a pain
and enjoy yourself.

You are obviously
with a wildly
attractive woman.

Yeah...

I can't figure it out,
I mean,

I don't know why Phyllis
is doing this to me.

I mean, it's not like her.
There's something up here.

I mean, not barring me
from the wedding.

Not avoiding me.

She lives
for confrontations.

Yeah, I think
it's terrible,

and you know, maybe we
should talk about it,

but you have always
been so touchy

about that
ex-wife subject.

She'll get around to you later.
Don't worry about it.

You have always
been so touchy

about the ex-wife thing
that I just naturally assumed

your marriage broke up
for the obvious reasons.

What do you mean:
obvious reasons?

Well, that you were a heel

who couldn't commit
to a wife or child.

Humph!

No, Elaine,
she walked out on me.

Some nonsense
about being a failure.

Of course, that was before
they accepted my application

at the cab academy.

Oh, my God.

What's wrong?

I think I just saw
my ex-wife.

ELAINE:
That's Phyllis?

Yes, I think so.

It looks like she put on

a couple of extra pounds
here and there...

and everywhere.

Mmm...

Alex!

Hmm?

Oh, look who's... oh!

Look at this!

I finally found you!
Beautiful!

You are gorgeous!

Finally, a real welcome.

What do you mean?
I have been looking
all over for you.

I was afraid
you didn't make it.

Are you kidding?

A team of wild ex-wives
couldn't keep me away.

You look... oh, excuse me.
This is Elaine.

Nardo.

ALEX:
Nardo.

Oh, gosh, it's such
a pleasure to meet you.

You look so beautiful.

And without makeup.

I couldn't tell from
where we were sitting,

Oh, where were
you sitting?
but the detail on the dress...

Oh, uh, well, we had good seats,
they were just...

Way back.
High.

But fine.
But fine.

You were supposed to be seated

on the aisle in the third row.

And I wanted you to be
in the reception line with us.

Didn't you get the note
with my invitation?

No, no, I'm afraid
I didn't. No.

Oh, I don't understand
how a mistake like
this could happen.

Well, what's the difference?

Here-- waiter?

Come on.

Huh?

I want you to meet somebody.

Well, who?

Oh, my God.

I would like you to meet

my father--
Carlo Consuelos.

Father, this is my father,
Alex Rieger.

It's a pleasure
meeting you at last.

The pleasure is mine.

( laughing )

Hey, it's nice of you
to say that, you know that?

He's a nice guy, isn't he?

Mother, what are you doing
down there?

Oh, I was just pulling up
his socks, dear.

I'll introduce myself later.

Well... look.

If it isn't Alex.

Hello, Phyllis.

CATHY:
Mother, Alex was seated
way up in the balcony.

Hey, what's the difference?
We were there, right?

No, it makes a lot
of difference.

I don't understand how

a mistake like this
could be made,

do you, Mother?

( mumbling )

Darling, why don't you go

take your place
in the reception line.

There are people who are just
hugging and crying

over another little girl
in a white dress.

Go, go. Go, go.

See you later.
That's good.

Well... Alex...

18 years, and at last,

a terribly
uncomfortable moment.

What's wrong with you?

How come I wasn't invited
to the wedding?!

Alex, can't we
just chat first?

I mean, we have so
much to talk about.

I mean, your life
has changed dramatically

since I knew you.

I hear they have those
electronic meters now.

( stammering )

Hello.
I'm Elaine Nardo.

This is a
beautiful wedding.

You must be so happy.

I'm sorry,
did you say something?

Yes, I said that
I'm Elaine Nardo.

Yes?

And this is
a beautiful wedding.

Did you say
you were with him?

Uh, no, actually, I didn't,
but, yes, I am with Alex.

Oh.

He and I work together
at the garage.

Oh, you mean
you're a cab driver?

Yes, well, I also work
in an art gallery,

but, yes, I am
a cab driver.

Oh, of course.

There must be
female cab drivers.

I mean, where else would all the
little cab drivers come from?

( laughing )

It wasn't your fault.

How come
I wasn't invited?

I didn't want you there.

Oh.

All right, look, I don't want
to hold the line any longer.

I'll just, uh...

I'll just say congratulations
and good luck

and, uh, remember,
you haven't lost a daughter,

you've gained a ton.

Phyllis, I was just...
I was just joking.

Hello. Hello.

I was just joking.
It was just a joke.

Hi. How are you?

ALEX:
Phyll!

Phyll... eh...

Alex,
Huh?

what happened
with Mother?

Nothing. Nothing.
We just had a chat.

Alex, she's acting
real strange

and I think I
figured out why.

You know, she's
gained a few pounds,

and she's so
vain about it.

Oh, yeah.

I think she was afraid
of what you might say

if you saw her like this.

Oh...

Oh, but that's crazy.

You wouldn't say anything
about her weight, would you?

No, no, no...
I wouldn't. No.

Why do I feel terrible?

I was shut out of my
daughter's wedding,

shut out of
the reception;

my profession
has been ridiculed

to an extent
approaching... truth,

so why do I feel guilty?

Because you hurt a woman
you once loved

on the most important
night of her life?

No, that's not it.

Because your daughter
will sense her mother's hurt

and it'll spoil
the one evening

that's supposed
to be perfect.

That's the one.

Think I better go over there.

That's a very strange thing
you have a talent for, Elaine,

you know that?

( clearing throat )

Excuse me, uh, may
I cut in, please?

PHYLLIS:
Don't let him.

May-May I cut in, please?

He looks like
a bad dancer.

Phyllis, we have something
to talk about.

Of course, Mr. Rieger.

You two should talk.

Thank you.

A fine gentleman.

Come on, Phyllis,
let's dance.

No... No...

Come on, Phyllis,
let's dance.

No!

Everybody's watching.

Just dance with me, please.
Just dance with me.

This goes here.

Now, come on.

Aha! You've been sneaking out

and taking dancing lessons,
haven't you?

What is the point of this?

I was afraid I may
have hurt your feelings.

You wish you could
hurt my feelings.

Look, if I hurt
your feelings...

You didn't hurt
my feelings.

I'm sorry I hurt
your feelings.

You're not sorry
you hurt my feelings.

Then I did hurt
your feelings.

Did I hurt
your feelings?

Yes, you hurt
my feelings.
You have no feelings.

Am I crazy,
or was that fun?

No, it's not fun.
None of this is fun.

Leave me the hell alone.

Phyllis, come on,
we're acting crazy.

We were once married.

Look, I just want
to talk to you

for five minutes alone
in that room, okay?

Come on.

You get your hands off me

or I'll charge you
for half this wedding.

No.

Okay.

( coughs )

Um...
( laughs )

Gee, just like
our old apartment.

What a nice touch.

Did you plan this
this way?

Phyllis, look, I made some
remarks about your appearance

and I didn't mean them.

I mean, look, it was...
I was just angry

because you didn't invite me
to the wedding.

But you really
look terrific

and I'm glad we saw
each other again.

You took me
all the way in here

to do what you had to do
as badly as you just did it?

I mean,
I have Kleenex

in my purse getting
ready for this moment.

What was that you said?

"I was mad,
and I didn't mean it"?

That's the truth.
What do you want me to say?

No, it was fine
what you said.

Are we finished?
I can't tell.

You would think that
after 18 years,

you could stop
criticizing me.

Wouldn't you?

After 18 years,
you wouldn't think

that you could still
make me crazy.

Would you?

Come on, Phyllis.
Come on.

Okay, look,
we come in here

and you tell me
I look terrific?

I'm 18 years older.

I'm 30 pounds heavier.

You know, I've let
this dress out three times.

It's a month old.

I mean, this
is all recent.

You know, I was nervous
before the wedding.

I started eating.

What were you
nervous about?

Having gained 27 pounds

since we last
saw each other.

( laughing )

You still have
that great sense...
That great sense of humor.

I hate being mimicked.
I hate it!

You still do, huh?

Yes, I do, yes.

You mean the same old
things still annoy you?

Yes.

( laughs )

Aw...

( squeaky ):
Whoa-whoa...!

You stop that,
stop that, stop that.
Testing; just testing.

Just testing.

Yes, the same old things
annoy me, yes.

( clears throat )

( chuckling )

What were you
just thinking?

Nah, no, nothing.

No, come on, what
were you thinking?

No, no, no.

I wasn't thinking about
the things that annoy me.

I was thinking about, uh,

some of the nice things;
some of the, ah, well...

Why, Alex...
Eh?

what a dirty little
mind we have.

No, no, no, no, no.
It wasn't dirty.

I was just thinking about
some of the, you know,

the things that, uh...

I know exactly what
you were thinking.

Oh, yeah?
What was I thinking?

Yeah, I know exactly.
All right, what?

You were thinking...

I was not.
No, I know.

I got it,
I got it, okay?

Oh, yeah? What?

Come here.
What?!

Come here.
What?!

Lucky guess. Hah.

( laughing ):
You...

But it's true, huh?

I mean... the physical part
of our relationship

was always pretty fair, huh?

Good.

Good?

Great! It was great!

Yeah, we always knew how

to push each other's buttons,
didn't we?

But now I don't know

whether I can push
anybody's buttons anymore...

or anybody can
push my buttons.

Or find my buttons anymore.

Well, listen, if they ever
get up a search party...

Oh, Alex...

you are so sweet.

( laughing )

Oh, Phyllis,

it's really great
being able

to say good-bye
this way, you know?

Oh, I know.
I'm so glad.

Phyllis, Phyllis...

Phyllis, come on.

Mm, mm...

No, Phyllis...

Oh, Phyllis, no...

Ooh, ow, ooh...

( both moaning )

Oh, and to think

I didn't want you
to be at this wedding.

CATHY:
Mother! Alex!

They said you
came this way!

I'm cutting the cake.

Hi, kid.

Well...

This is the best gift

I could've received--

seeing you two
together.

Yeah, well, five minutes later,
you would've had a better gift.

You know what I'd
really like to see?

You two hugging each other.

Oh, come on, come on,
Cathy, please...

Oh, come on, you can do it.

Cathy...
For me?

CATHY:
Come on.

All right.

For the kid.

Come on.

( laughing )

Whoa, we're just being crazy,
you know?

And thank you.

You're welcome.

Come on.

Let's get back
to the wedding.

Come on.
Come on.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )