03x08 - Latka's Cookies

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

Latka!

Oh, Louie, hello.

Just the man I'm looking for.

Do you have the correct time?

My watch stopped.

The correct time is
you're eight minutes late.

Oh, thank you.

Hold it, here, hold it.

This is serious.

I hope you got a good
excuse why you're late.

Well, do you think
that helping someone

who was almost k*lled
in an automobile accident

is a good excuse?

No.

Then you're going to hate mine.

Hold it, hold it.

I'll let you off
the hook this time

'cause you're
not usually late,

but get to work!

Okay.

Hey, Latka,
is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, everything is fine.

The reason I was late
is because I was dancing

around my apartment
with joy.

Oh, yeah?
Hey, what happened?

My beloved
grandmother d*ed.

That's good news?

No, that's terrible news.

Bobby, what kind
of a person are you?

No.

The-the reason it's good news

is because she left me
something very valuable

in her will.

ALL:
Oooh.

What?
What?

Cookies.

She left you cookies?

But not just any cookies.

See, people used
to come from miles around

just to eat her cookies.

And so last night
I go to the post office

and I pick up the recipe

and the package
with the ingredients

and I baked a batch.

You want to try?

ALL:
Yeah.

I love
grandmothers' cookies.

I love them.

Dig in, I hope you enjoy them.

Well, enjoy.

Well?

What do you say?

Well, they're, uh, not bad.

Did you swallow yet?

Did you swallow?

Mine seems to be
getting larger.

I feel like I'm going to be
chewing for the rest of my life.

You mean, you don't like them?

Well...

it's just...

it's just...

it's just the first taste.

I mean, maybe tomorrow
we could have another bite.

You don't like them.

No, no, no. Latka.

You know,
tastes vary.

Tastes very what?

No, no, no.

Latka, what I'm trying
to say is that, you know,

maybe the people

in your country
would love them,

but they might not taste
the same to the people

in our country.

I mean, that's
perfectly understandable,
don't you think?

I think that
the people in America

will love my cookies.

And I think I am going
to sell them in the stores.

That's it, Latka.

I told you to get back
to work, you foreign dog.

Now get back to work.

What? Foreign dog?

I don't have to take
this from you.

I don't even
need this job.

I have the cookies.

And I am going
to be rich and famous

just like
the famous Amos--

the chocolate chip
cookie tycoon.

Oh, yeah? Latka,
I'm warning you.

No, Louie,
I'm warning you.

You're warning me
when I'm warning you?

I am warning you.

Yeah? You're warning me?

Yes. I am quitting.

Oh, no, you're not, Latka.
You're not going to quit,

because I'm going to fire you.

You cannot fire me
if I am going to quit.

No, no, no. You can't quit
because I'm f*ring you!

But you cannot fire me
if I quit first.

I quit!
You're fired!

I said it first.

No, you didn't.

I quit!
You're fired!

I said it first again.

It doesn't matter
who says it first.

It's who says it loudest.

You're fired!

You're fired! You're fired!
You're fired!

I quit! I quit!
I quit!

I can't hear you.
You're fired!
You're fired!

I can't hear you.
I quit! I quit! I quit!

You're fired! You're fired!
You're fired!

Okay.

But I quit.

You're fired.

I'm fired.

You quit!

Thank you very much.

How you doing, Jeff?

The engine's
back together.

Got a few pieces
left over.

Close enough.

I'll give this cab to Wheeler.

Louie.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It's only temporary--
just until I can find somebody

who will work as cheap
as the guy I fired.

ALL:
He quit!

Hey, Lou,
want to have

one of Latka's
cookies?

I don't want any
of his crummy cookies

and I don't his name
mentioned in this garage again.

Why, Lou?

You miss him?

I had gas I miss
more than the guy I fired.

ALL:
He quit!

You know, I'm really
starting to like these.

I don't actually like them,
but they're fun to chew.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

They kind of grow on you.

And they last forever
in your mouth.

I put one
on the bedpost last night.

Started on it again
this morning.

Grandma Gravas' cookies
might catch on.

I understand there are
four stores willing to
try them out.

Hmm?
Yeah.

Can you imagine
Latka rich?

I'm back!

Hey, Jim!

Hey, Jim,
welcome back.

ELAINE:
So how was your trip?

Ah, great.

Omaha is lovely
this time of year.

I thought you were hitchhiking
to Washington.

I did too,
but I ended up in Omaha.

I must have used
the wrong thumb.

LOUIE:
All right, let's get
some cabs on the road here.

Nardo, 316!

Yeah, just a second.

Wheeler, 441!

Banta, 221!

Rieger, 544!

See you guys.

Hey, Jim.

Uh-huh?

( mumbling )

It's great to be back!

( sighs )

Well, boss...

I'm back from my vacation.

You didn't happen to
run into your brains

while you were out there,
did you?

No, but I wasn't really looking.

Well, I'll have
a cab for you

in a minute,
Gulliver.

Okay.

What's all these cookies?

They were baked
by a guy I fired.

ALL:
He quit!

Ooh!

They got a nice
little surprise inside.

What are you talking about?

Well, I could be wrong...

but I detect something in here

that's a lot more
powerful than oatmeal.

What's in them?
What's in them?

Well, let's check
this out here.

Coca leaves.

Coca leaves?

Uh-huh.

You mean, the stuff
they make cocaine out of?

Yeah.

Yeah, from, uh...

South America.

( sniffing )

Peru, I believe.

( spits )

Southern Peru.

'74, before the rains.

Poignant,
but not overbearing.

Are you telling me

that Latka is selling
cookies with dr*gs in them?

Yeah.

Well, my duty as
a citizen is clear-cut.

Yeah.
Jeff?

Get the police
on the phone.

What do these, uh,
coca leaves do to you?

Well, if you chew them
for a while

you get a feeling of euphoria,

increased energy,

strength and stamina.

It's also rumored
to heighten your sexual desires.

And it makes
you see beauty

in the most
repulsive things.

Did anyone ever tell you

that you have
the most adorable ear?

Police are on
the phone, Louie.

Tell them to mind
their own business.

( chuckling )

Oh, Elaine?

She's not here.

What you got there, Lou?

Ah, nothing.

( chuckling )

Hey, Lou!

Have you been noticing anything
strange about me lately?

Uh... strange?

Yeah.

No, no, no.

Nothing strange.

I don't know.

Feel like I'm
sort of... happy.

I got all this
energy, you know?

Uh-huh.

So last night

I had a little trouble
falling asleep,

so I wrote an opera.

An-an opera?

Yeah. I never thought
about writing an opera before,

but it sounded
like it would be fun.

It was. I'm going to write
another one tonight.

It just looks
like, to me

that you're
in a good mood.

Yeah, well, maybe.

I wonder if any of the others
are feeling this way?

I haven't noticed anything.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Bob!

What are you doing?

Huh?

What are you doing?

Afternoon Of The Faun.

There is definitely
something weird going on here.

Hello.

Oh, Elaine.

Listen, uh...

Uh... Nardo.

Have a cookie?

Oh, yes, thank you.

I've run out.

Louie, I've
been having

the most incredible
perceptions today.

Do you realize the entire
human experience of the universe

can be summed up
in one sentence?

Do I! Hold that thought.

Why don't you come on
into my cage here

and we'll talk
about that...

and sit right there...

and we'll have
some cookies...

and a touch of the bubbly

to wash them down your
pretty little gullet.

No, no, no, Louie.

Louie, I'm serious.

I don't know why I never
saw it before.

I have verifiable proof
of the existence of God.

Later, later--
this stuff gets flat.

Damn it, I'm telling you
there's something wrong here.

Bobby Wheeler is turning
into a gazelle...

Elaine Nardo is in
the chamber of horrors...

Here's the weirdest thing
of all.

I'm standing here in the garage
on my day off.

And I came in here just because
I wanted, uh...

some more cookies...

Hey, Lou!

There's something wrong
with these cookies.

Rieger,
you're being a real drip.

No, I'm telling you, Lou,
it's the cookies;

they're doing something to us.

No, everybody's
just having a good time.

Look at Banta, here.

He's eaten a billion
of them.

There's nothing
the matter with him.

Tony, how you feeling?

I'm fine.

Eh!

Ah, well,
maybe you're right.

Maybe I am imagining it.

Anybody want any coffee?

ALEX:
Yeah, I'll have some.

( muttering native language )

( speaking native language )

Whoo!

Sixteen.

( knocking at door )

Come in.

( muttering native language )

Latka...

Hello, Alex.

How are you?

Fine. Lat...

( speaking native language )

About 24 bags by tomorrow...

supermarket, you know...
Look, Latka...

Isn't it wonderful
how so much success

I'm having with these cookies?
Everyone loves them so much!

You know, and I'm going
to be rich and famous

like Famous Amos, you know,

but, you know,
I would trade it all

if I would only stop talking
for one minute.

Latka, Latka, stop.

Latka, listen to me.

There's a drug
in those cookies.

( gasps )

No...

no.

No...
Now, Latka,

Jim says there's
coca leaves in them.

What?

Coca leaves.

Coca leaves?

Oh... that must be
the secret ingredient.

Right.

That means it's
going to ruin me.

I will not be able
to sell my cookies anymore.

Well, I'm sorry
about that.

Now I cannot do it
and my dream is gone.

Oh. No.

( speaking native language )

This explains why
my grandmother's cookies

were so popular with musicians
in my country.

Latka, you think
your grandmother knew

that there was a drug
in these cookies?

Oh, no, no, no.
She would not know that.

She was a very good woman, Alex.

A very busy, good woman.

She was always knitting doilies,
you know?

A doily here,
a doily there,
Yeah.

doilies everywhere.

"Merry Christmas, Latka.
Here is a doily for you."

Oh, everywhere you look
is doilies.

I'd like to give you
a doily, you old bag!

I'll give you a doily!

I'll give you a doily!

Latka, Latka, Latka,
calm down. Calm down.

Oh, oh, oh, but what is
happening to me, Alex?

I used to be
such a sweet man.

I used to be so cute
you could eat me up.

Yes, yes, yes.

I know you were.
I know you were.

But that's what happens to you
when you take that drug.

Really?

That's why you got
to kick it

right now, right tonight.

You hear me? You got
to get rid of this.

How am I going to do it?

Well, look, first of all
we got...

No more cookies.
Yeah?

We're going to get rid
of all these cookies.

That's a good idea.

We'll start with this one.

No, no, no.

Latka, sit down.
Sit down.

Listen to me. Look...

It's going to be
a very tough night for you.

I mean, you're going
to get nervous,

you're going to get anxious.

You might even get sick.

You might even
have hallucinations, delirium.

Latka, you're looking at
the worst night of your life.

Now, I don't want you
to worry about it.

I'm going to be right here

going through the whole thing
with you.

Thank you very much.

Alex, all my dreams
are gone.

I thought I was going
to be rich and famous

like the Famous Amos. See?

But now is nothing.

I thought I was going to finally
get out of the garage.

You know, I did not
want to be rich

for the same reasons that
other men want to be rich.

Oh, you mean not for the houses,
the cars or the women?

Oh, maybe it was
the same reasons.

But you know,
I want to think...

but... you know...

you know...

Let's try to get
some sleep, all right?

I'll try.
I don't know if I could.

I'm going to stay up and
watch you all night, okay?

All right, thank you.

Famous Amos.

I... I don't believe it.

What's happening, Latka?

I don't know.

What's happening to you?

Boy. Welcome to my home.

Thank you,
but I'm not really here.

You're hallucinating.

Oh...

I'm only in your mind.

Well, then
welcome to my mind.

If I knew you were coming

I would have
cleaned it up a bit.

Listen, man, I heard
what happened to your cookies.

It's a tough break.

Oh, that's nice
of you to say.

I came by because
I wanted to say that

success, fame, fortune--
all that stuff--

it's truly overrated.

Oh.

I wanted to tell you

that the really
important things in life

are the simple things.

Oh, the simple things.

A sunset.
Yeah.

The smelling of a flower.
Mmm...

I'd like to tell you
all of those things, Latka,

but I can't.
Why?

'Cause it's a crock.

A crock?

That's right,
a crock.

Hey, man, success is wonderful.
Yeah?

Cash is out of sight.
Oh...

Do whatever you can
to be successful

'cause it's great.
Great.

And if it happens overnight,
it's even better.

Hey, your cookies went
down the tubes-- big deal.

Big deal.

Try cupcakes.

Try jelly rolls.

Aluminum siding.

Aluminum siding.

What's the difference?

Nothing at all.

Just get rich.

These are wonderful words.

Man, I just want to try to help,
you know?

Well, thank you
very much.

Give me five.

Keep the change.

( muttering )

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, Famous Amos.

Thank you for the hallucination.

It was wonderful.

Maybe we do it again sometime.

Oh, boy.

Alex. Alex, wake up.

Alex, wake up.
Hmm?

I have something
to tell you.

I just found out something
very important about myself.

Alex, I want
to be richer than anything.

I want to be richer
than the Joneses.

I want to make lots of money,
as much as I can.

I want to be rolling in money.

Alex...

you know something?

I just became an American.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )