03x15 - Bobby's Roommate

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

Uh, what's the problem?

I can't find
an apartment.

I thought you had an apartment.

No, I lost it.

That happens to me all the time.

Sometimes,
I can't find mine for days.

Jim, I told you
all about this yesterday.

Jim, remember?

They're turning
Elaine's apartment house

into a co-op.

She can't afford to
buy the apartment

so she has to look
for a new one.

Oh, now I remember.

You did tell me this yesterday.

Hey, good going, Jim.

Did you look
over in Brooklyn?

That's usually
where mine turns up.

Jim, your apartment
is in Brooklyn.

Again?

Hey, come on, Elaine,
worst comes to worst,

you sleep on my couch
for a couple of nights.

Oh, uh, thanks, Alex, but, uh,

I've slept on your couch,
and it's not that comfortable.

When did you ever sleep
on my couch?

The night you showed slides
from your ski trip.

Oh, that is
an uncomfortable couch.

Well, you could sleep
on my couch, Elaine.

Listen, thank you both
for your offers,

but I don't want to
impose on either one of you.

Really, I refuse
to stay with you guys.

Hey, Elaine, you
got a boyfriend?

I mean, you and Steve
are still seeing
each other, right?

Oh, yeah. We're doing great.

Then why don't you sleep
on his couch.

No, no, Tony.

It's a little too early
in the relationship. You know?

I don't want to scare him off.

You look that bad
in the morning, huh?

Hey, guys, I got it!
I got the job!

All right.
What?!

Yeah, I can't believe it!

A whole month on tour.

Oh, that's great.
Oh, congratulations.

Oh, thanks, Elaine.

You know, this is what
acting is all about--

touring to the people--

people who ordinarily
wouldn't be enriched

by the catharsis of the
classical theater experience.

What play
are you doing?

Under the Yum Yum Tree.

I thought that was
Desire Under The Yum Yum Tree.

That's another good one, Ton.

Oh, Bobby,
does this mean

I can have
your apartment?!

Yeah. I told you if I got the
part, you got the apartment.

Oh, great!
A place to stay.

So, Bobby, what are you
gonna do to celebrate?

Rub Louie's nose in it.

Uh, hey, Louie,

I hate to ruin
your day like this,

but I just got
a real good acting job.

Bobby!

Really?

That's wonderful,
that's wonderful!

Hey, I got to announce this.

Wait till everybody hears.

No, Louie,
that's not necessary, really.

Are you kidding?

I insist on telling everybody
how wrong I was about you.

All right, attention here.

Attention, cabbies.

All right, you all know
that Bobby Wheeler has taken

a lot of heat from me
in the past

about his acting career.

I just found out
that our Bob has landed the lead

in a major New York
Broadway production.

Louie, Louie,
it's not a Broadway play.

It's a tour.

I'm doing a tour.

Oh.

Correction.

Bob tells me
it is a starring role

in one of the biggest
cross-country tours

in the history
of the American Theater.

( cheering )

Louie, it's not
a cross-country tour.

It's a small tour.

I'm going to three places,
you know?

Oh.

Correction once again.

Bobby's got a teensy part

with a sleazy company
in three trailer parks.

I'm going to k*ll him,
I'm going to k*ll him!

I don't know,
Elaine.

Bobby's been gone
about a week,

and you've got
his apartment

looking the best
it's ever looked.

Oh, thanks.

It's this old interior decorator
trick I learned,

called cleaning.

Oh.

Tony.

Stains.

Elaine, the apartment
looks great, fantastic.

Oh, I don't know,

I guess I did
do a little puttering, huh?

Do you think Bobby
will mind?

Why don't you ask him?

Hey, Bobby,
am I glad to see you.

Hey, how you
doing, man?

Eh, it hasn't been
the same without you.

Don't seem like
you been gone a month.

I've been gone a week.

That feels right.

Hey, well,
it doesn't matter

that you've only
been gone a week.

The point is,
you're back.

No, the point is,
it's only been a week.

Oh, uh, you know, I got tired
of Florida, you know?

( sniffing )

You smell
something funny?

No.

Neither do I.

Is this my apartment?

Hey, I want
a glass of wine, too.

Bobby, if you don't want to talk

about
the Florida thing...

Hey, what's to talk about?

I left for a month
and came back

three weeks early,
that's all.

Quit the tour, huh?

Yeah, I quit.

Got fired.

We're talking
semantics here.

It's all a matter of who
says good-bye first, right?

Oh, Bobby.

ALEX:
Why? What happened?

The whole thing
is so unprofessional.

Everybody knows
when you go out

on these long tours, you know,

men and women, close quarters

sometimes
for months,

affairs--
they're inevitable.

I had one
with the costume girl.

When?

On the bus ride down to Florida.

You got fired for not waiting
till you got there?

I got fired
because it turns out

that she
was the director's daughter.

Oh.
Oh.

I'm surprised you lasted
a week in Florida.

I lasted a day in Florida--

I spent three days
on the bus ride back.

Meet anyone on that trip?

No, that's
all right.

Will you,
please?

Oh, what the heck.

It happened,
it's over,

and I'm home.

And I'm, uh,
kind of tired, guys,

so, if you don't mind,
you know?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.
We were shoving off anyway.

Come on.
Come on, guys, let's go.

Um, well, Bobby,

uh, there may be
a little problem here.

You see, I haven't
found an apartment yet,

and now that
you're back early...

So, we'll just
stay here

together for a
while, that's all.

Hey, you can have
the bedroom,

and I'll sleep
on the sofa.

Oh, well, okay.

I mean, I don't see
why I shouldn't.

ALEX:
You don't?

ELAINE:
No. Do you?

Me? No, I don't.

You, Tony?

Hell, yes.

I do, too.

Hey, wait a minute.

If you guys are thinking
what I think you're thinking,

you're way off base.

Elaine is a friend of mine.

She needs a place to stay.

She'll stay here
and everything will be fine.

Oh, yeah,
sure it will.

Of course it will.

So let's not hear
anymore about it.

Alex, there's something
on your mind.

On my mind?

No, there's nothing
on my mind.

Anything
on your mind, Tony?

Hell, yes.
Mine, too.

Now, listen, guys, I'm starting
to resent this a little.

Huh? Oh, yeah,
you're right.

I'm sorry.

( chuckles ):
Come on, we're acting crazy.

You're right.

I mean, it's just late at night,
and we're all tired

and this is so sudden,
you know?

Look, Elaine,
why don't you just turn in.

Bobby, you unpack.

Tony, you call the vice squad.

I'm standing watch...

No, I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.

It's just a joke.
( laughs )

Come on, Tony.

Hey, Bobby.
Yeah?

You try anything on her,
and I'll k*ll you.

Tony, come on.

This is Elaine
we're talking about, remember?

Oh, yeah, right.

Elaine, you try
anything on him,

and I'll k*ll you.

ALEX:
Let's go.

Good night,
you two.

Good night!

Good night.

My gosh.

Could you give me
a hand here?

Yeah, there's
that extra cover.

Oh, man, am I b*at.

TONY:
You know, this is Bobby,

and you know
what Bobby's like.

ALEX:
Yeah, I know
what he's like,

but what are we
gonna do about it?

I mean, we got to
trust him, right?

Trust him? I know a girl
on a bus who trusted him.

Look what happened.

Eh... you're right.

The man's a hound.

Yeah, anywhere, anytime,
anything with a pulse.

You think
they heard us?

No, I don't
think so.

Do you?

Hell, yes.
Me, too.

I thought she
had an apartment.

Jim, they're turning
her apartment into a co-op.

Remember?

Oh, yeah.

So while she looks around,
she's staying with Bobby.

Well, that's real nice of Bobby
to put her up like that.

Yeah, sure. Real nice.

I don't trust him
for one minute.

Call me old-fashioned,
but this setup bothers me.

Well, times are changing
too fast for me too.

Orgies where anything goes.

People wandering around naked
in public places.

Sex that means no more than
a handshake on the street.

I don't know.

Call me corny,
but I miss those things.

You know, this setup
still bothers me.

Tony, will you
come off it?

Now look, there's
nothing going on

between Elaine and Bobby.

Besides, she's stuck on
that guy Steve, right?

And even if she weren't,
Bobby's your best friend.

That's got to count
for something, right?

Hey, guys.

ALEX:
Hey, Bob!

You're right,
Alex.

Hey, Bobby,

I got to talk to you.

Yeah, okay.

You know, this thing
with you and Elaine

has really
been bothering me,

but if you tell me right now,
as my best friend,

that there's
nothing going on,

then that's good enough
for me.

Hey, Tony, there's
nothing going on.

How dumb do you think he is,
Wheeler?

I'll show you
how dumb I am, Louie.

I believe you,
Bobby.

Nardo.

You and Wheeler
better be careful.

You'll be hearing
the pitter-patter

of little hams
in the house.

How's it going,
Elaine?

Ah, terrific.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's been
a good week.

Yeah, it's been
you know, real nice.

I came home late
from the gallery

last night, you know,
and Bobby was up reading,

so we had a glass
of wine together

and talked real easily
about some things

I don't think I
could've talked about

with any other man.

Oh, really?

Like what?

Bobby's career,
Bobby's dreams...

Bobby.

How did you ever drag
all that out of him?

I think I said,
"How are you?"

( telephone rings )
Gotcha.

Hello?

Elaine, it's for you.

Steve?

Oh, I'll take it.

She's going
to talk to you.

Thanks a lot.

Hi, Steve.

You know,
in my country,

what Elaine and Bobby
are doing--

it would be fine.

In my country, it is tradition
for a man and woman

to live together
before they are married.

And to make love
in every possible way

so then they can see if they
want to get married after that.

Really?

Yeah.

Well,
that's a sensible tradition.

Thank you.

Now only if we can get
the women to buy it.

Elaine...

you okay?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

What happened?

Well, uh, Steve called and said,

can we get together for dinner

so he could tell me
something important.

And, uh, like an idiot,
I said, "What?"

He said he didn't want to talk
about it over the phone,

but I kept pressing,

so, uh, he told me
that, uh, maybe it's better

if we don't see each other
for a while.

Aw...

Something about more time
and more distance.

Hey, I'll tell you
what let's do.

I'll get the guys together,
and we'll go for some beers,

to some nice place,
and we'll talk about it, okay?

Thanks, Alex, but I think
I'm gonna go home for awhile.

Elaine, I don't think
you ought to be alone

at a time like this.

I mean, not in the mood
that you're in.

Oh, well, I-I won't
exactly be alone.

I mean, Bobby
will be there.

Oh, yeah, right. Bobby.

Bobby?

Did you...?

Yeah, and, you know,
he can be real sweet

and understanding
at a time like this.

Bobby?

Hey, Alex, see you.

Yeah, see you, Bob.

Hey, Bob, wait.

Where you going?
Home.

Home? Why home?

That's where I live.

Oh, yeah, uh, Bob,
come here.

Uh... um, um...

maybe I shouldn't
get involved

in your life
like this,

I mean, I'm the kind
of man that doesn't like

to get involved
in his own life, but, uh...

Steve just called Elaine.

He broke it off with her.

Oh, no.
Yeah.

Oh, poor Elaine.

Yeah, she's feeling very bad.

Look, she just said she wanted
to go home and be by herself.

Well, if you're going
to go home,

that means you're
both going to be home--

alone... together...

for awhile.

So what?

No, no, Bob, Bob, look,

I mean, she's feeling
kind of depressed.

You know, she's very vulnerable.

And, uh, there's no telling

what she might do
in a mood like that.

You think
she might come on to me?

Well...

Hey, Alex,

really, thanks for the warning,

and I'll be on my lookout, okay?

Did you hear that?

Of course I heard it.

I was the one
he was talking to.
Oh.

Elaine's heart is broken.

Yeah.

This is terrible.
Yeah.

I'm afraid she's going
to try to forget her problems

by losing herself

in a night of shameful
lust and passion

with the first man
to come and cross her path.

You're afraid that's
gonna be Bobby, right?

Well, if not,

could you please
give her my phone number?

Bobby?

Uh-oh.

Elaine, is that you?

Yeah.

I can't sleep.

Is there any more wine?

Wine? Oh, yeah.

There's some more wine.

Did I wake you?

Oh, no,
I was wide awake.

My head's clear as a bell.

I'm not about to do or say
anything foolish.

It's cold
in here, huh?

You know, Elaine,
you might want

to put a robe or two

over your negligee.

You know, Bobby,

this Steve thing
has hit me pretty hard.

Do you think
we could talk about it?

Oh, yeah.

Sure, okay.

Hey, the guy's a jerk.

You're better off without him.

How's that?

Oh, look, Elaine,
I'm sorry.

Listen, the way this
guy handled this thing

just proves he's not
the kind of guy

who deserves you.

Oh, Bobby.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Oh, God.

Why aren't more guys
like you?

You know, I have this
great bottle of wine

in my suitcase

that I've been saving
for a special occasion.

I'm going to go get it.

Oh, Bobby,
I'm so glad you're here.

Hello, Alex, it's Bobby.

She's all over me.

Who were you calling
this late?

Dad. Good old Dad.

I thought your father
passed away.

Well, maybe that will make up
for the times

I didn't call when he was alive?

What's wrong with you?

Listen, Elaine.

I really don't think
we should do this.

We shouldn't do what?

What are you talking about?

Come on, Elaine, you know
where this is going, huh?

The wine,
the soft lights...

that flimsy
flannel thing.

Where this...?

Oh, my God.

Bobby, are...?

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Oh, my gosh.

Hey, trust me on this, baby.

You know, I've been around.

I'm a sophisticated guy.

I've had a lot of experience.

And a moment ago,

you and I were on the road
to naughty-naughty.

"The road to naughty-naughty"?

Come on, Elaine.

I'm trying to be delicate
about this thing.

You want me to come right out
and say it?

O-Okay.
I'll come right out and say it--

You and I were that far away
from doing foo-foo.

You're making me yearn
for four-letter words.

Bobby!

You are absolutely
and totally wrong.

I mean, you are so wrong,
it's ludicrous.

Elaine, I'm just trying to
do the right thing here.

You know what I mean?

You know,
I don't believe this.

You and I have
the greatest relationship

going on in the last two weeks,

and I come to you
for a little friendship

and a little sympathy,
and I get this.

Okay!

Okay, maybe I was wrong.

Yes, you were.

I guess I was jumping
to conclusions here.

Oh, absolutely.

Elaine, I'm really sorry.

I really feel like a jerk.

Well, you are one.

But it's okay.

Hey, um, can we
just kind of forget

this ever happened?

Huh?

All right, all right.

I don't see why not.

Let's get this wine open.

Yeah, here.

Hi, guys.
How you doing?

I was hoping you'd be home.

It's 3:00
in the morning, Alex.

What are you
doing here?

I was just out taking a walk.

Barefoot?

Yeah. I, uh...

I like the feeling
of snow in my toes.

Hey, Bob, you don't happen
to have anything for frostbite

in your medicine chest, do you?

I'll get you
some socks.

Thanks.

Okay, Alex, you
have one chance

to explain this to me.

Huh?

No, Elaine, I was, uh,
I just had trouble sleeping

so I thought
I'd take a little walk.

And you guys are only
26 blocks away, so...

I lost my slippers
in a snowbank, see?

Here you go.

Bobby?
Oh, thanks.

That telephone call
a few minutes ago,

that was to Sergeant Preston
of the Yukon, right?

Elaine, Elaine, we were
very worried about you.

I mean, you're in a very
vulnerable frame of mind.

That's right, Elaine.

So you thought you'd save me
from myself, is that it?

Well, Bobby,
you've succeeded in making fools

out of all three of us.

You know something?

I really resent the implication
that I'd lose control of myself

just because I'm an emotional
female at a weak moment,

and you're a guy.

A great-looking guy.

Women always lose control--
is that it?

But men are always
on top of things.

Well, Bobby,

I hate you for this tonight.

And, Alex, I really resent you!

I might have expected
this kind of attitude
from Bobby,

but I thought
you had a little more class.

Yeah, Alex.

What?

What is it, Alex,
a rule with you?

You only get involved
in other people's lives

if you can make
a complete ass of yourself?

Well, I wouldn't call
it a rule.

It's just the way
it happens to turn out.

Look, I wouldn't be here
in the first place

if you hadn't made

that stupid
phone call.

Hey, hold it.
You're the one that told me

she was gonna be coming on
to me tonight like a Mack truck!

I never said anything
like a truck.

You said something...

Look, I thought
that you'd only get upset

if something
was really happening.

Something was really happening.

Like what?

She was walking around here

in loose clothes, sipping wine
and talking about love.

Bobby, the pope does that.

( sighs )

Oh...

Listen, I, uh...

I think I'd better go.

Sorry about your door.

Alex,

you can't go out
like that again.

You might as well
just stay here.

Okay.

Elaine,

would it be any better

if Alex promised not to be
this stupid again?

Come on,
will you?

Look, Elaine,
the only reason

that we were this stupid

is because we really
care about you.

Well, then
you two must care a lot.

Well, I guess it has been

kind of a rough week
for all of us, you know?

Yeah, you can say that.

I mean, I lost a boyfriend.

I lost my job in Florida.

I lost the feeling
in eight of my toes.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )