04x16 - Jim and the Kid

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

TONY:
Hey, Louie?

Go ahead, Banta. What is it?

TONY: Louie? Hey, Louie,
I got a ten-year-old in my cab.

And I just found out
he's a runaway.

He owes me 12 bucks,

and turns out,
he's only got two.

He won't tell me where he lives.

Bring that little crook in here.

We're gonna find out
who his parents are

and sweat that money out
of them.

All right, Louie,
I'm bringing him in.

Come on, now, you're scaring
the kid half to death.

Come on, say something
nice to him now,

make him feel better.

Calm him down a
little bit, please?

LOUIE:
Sure, sure, Banta, sure.

Hey, kid,

uh, do you like Little League?

Yes.

Do you like soccer?

Yes.

You like jail?

No!

Don't worry about it.

Ah!
Oh, come on...

Bring him over here,
bring him over...

Look at this, huh?

This is the
criminal mastermind

who outsmarted Banta.

ELAINE:
Oh!

Louie!
Come here.

Go on.
Sit down, honey.

Hey.
Hey, Lou...

Come on,
Lou, huh?
Now,

what's your name, honey?

Terry.

Terry. Terry, uh,
what's your last name?

I forget.

No question he's a
match for Banta.

Hey, Louie, would you
take it easy here?

We're trying
to help this kid.

I already helped him.

I called the cops.

ELAINE:
What? Louie!
That's right.
That's right.

ALEX:
What's the matter
with you?

The police. Thumbscrews.

Oh.

Batons.

This little crook is into this
company for 13 bucks.

I've never
been able
to do this.

That's because...

(clears throat)

...you shouldn't be thinking
about a card

or how you hold it.

Just be the card.

Be the hat.

I don't...

Don't question!

Be.

Hey!

Whoa! Does that work
for everything?

I don't know.

It always worked for me
for parallel parking.

Hey, Terry, listen,
you got to go home,

so you got to tell us
where you live.

I won't go home.

Uh, may...

May I say something?

When I was a boy...

(laughs and clears throat)

...I ran away from home once.

It was an important experience
for me.

If somebody had called
the police

and taken me home right away,
who knows?

I might never have turned out
to be the man I am today.

Yeah, you see that, kid?

Tell us your name before
your brain sprouts fungus.

We'll take care
of him, Louie.

He belongs to
our species.

Sit down, kid. Sit down.

Now, Terry,
think about your mother.

She must be
worried sick.

You know, I have
a little son

and if he ever
ran away,

it would k*ll me.

You know what he does when
he gets upset with me?

He just stops
talking to me.

He just won't say
a word, you know?

Now don't you think
that's a lot better

than running away
and making me worry?

I hate it when they do that!

Oh, Elaine.

Listen, kid, um,

Elaine's got
a point there

about how worried
your parents must
be over in, uh...

Where did you
say they lived?

Come on, kid, now talk,

or we're gonna have to
start tickling it out of ya.

Nice try, Alex.

You know,

he reminds me more
and more of myself.

He's not going back,
and neither am I.

Okay.

Thanks, Mister.

Just call me Jim.

LOUIE:
Ah!

Okay, where's the kid?

LOUIE:
Oh. Oh, good.

ALEX:
So, what's this?

We got a
bright one.

Uh, hey,
don't worry, Terry.

This guy's just here
to help you. Don't worry.

All right, come on,
here, here.

This is the little crook
who owes me $13,

and it's your job to get it
out of him any way you can.

You prod me one more time,
I'm gonna show you eight places

you can b*at a man
and leave no marks.

Aw, so what?
So what?

So you're big,
so you're black,

so you got a badge,
so you got a g*n.

I'm a dead man.

Yeah. Thanks
for smiling, Captain.

Sorry. Sorry.

Come on, son.

(whispers)
Whoa. Close. This close.

(knocking)

MAN (on TV):
...weather when we return.

Who is it?

It's me, Terry, the
kid from the garage.

The one I established
a liking for so quickly?

I guess.

Oh.

Come in. Come in.

How did you get away
from the police?

Well, they said, "Go
sit in that chair, kid."

So I did.

Then after a while, I
got up and walked out.

Was anybody hurt?

Well, good.

Wha-What are...

What are you
doing here?

I was looking for you.

I hope you don't mind.

No, uh, I don't.

But how did
you find me?

You're the only Jim Ignatowski
in the phone book.

I know.

Isn't it great?

Yeah.

Mr. Ignatowski,
I want to stay with you.

Here?

Oh, I don't know, Terry.

I mean, look around you.

What do you see?

Ice cream, popcorn
and television.

Exactly.

What kind of place
is this for a kid?

Please let me stay.

I... I don't know, Terry.

I'm not really set
up here for a kid.

I don't even
have Atari.

Please.

Is home such a
terrible place, Terry?

I hate the things
they make me do.

Like what?

What do your parents
make you do, Terry?

Lots of things.

I have
to keep my room tidied up.

Oh, no!

I can't ride my bike

in any streets
where there's traffic.

(grunts)

I can't even
watch television

till every bit
of my homework's done.

Terry.

Terry!

I'll never send you back
to a hellhole like that!

Well...
(clears throat)

Now that I'm awake
and you're awake,

why don't I fix us
some breakfast?

What have you got?

Well, sir,

we got...

uh... chili!

Terry...

SpaghettiOs.

I'm not that hungry.

I had some potato chips

and two boxes of cookies
in my backpack.

I ate 'em all before you got up.

Good for you.

After all,

breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.

What are we gonna do now?

Well,

oh, let's... let's see.

I know.

Let's play catch.

In the house?

Yeah.
Wow!

My parents would never let me
play catch in the house.

Mine, neither.

Oops. Hey.

(grunts)

Huh.

Well...

Parents know a few things.

I guess that
ends that.

Well, that's the nice thing
about catch.

It doesn't have to be long,

just so it's good.

What else will we do?

I don't know.

You know,

I've never been
a father before.

I can experience
everything

for the first time
through your eyes.

I can't wait to
watch your face

when you watch me shave.

I can hardly wait
till next Thursday.

I'm really gonna
like it here.

Especially the part about
not having to go to school.

Hey, who says you don't
have to go to school?

School's very important.

If I had dropped out
of grammar school,

I'd never have been able
to drop out of college.

Why don't you teach me, Jim?

Teach me what you know.

Well, that would take
hours, Terry.

Um...

Well, I don't know.

But what the heck.

We've all got a little
Obi-Wan Kenobi in us.

Okay.

(clears throat)

Hey...

if a tree falls
in the forest,

and nobody is there
to hear it,

does it make a sound?

If a tree...

...falls in the forest.

Nobody's there.

Is there a sound?

I don't know.

Of course there is.

Don't let anybody fool you.

People try to make
that complicated.

If a tree falls,
there's a sound!

The bigger the tree,
the bigger the sound.

Okay, so much for philosophy.

Next, morality.

It's your parents'
anniversary.

Your mother sends you with $15

to get her dress
at the tailor's.

(clears throat)

On your way there,

a guy offers to sell you
the last available ticket

to a monster rock concert.

The price is exactly $15.

What do ya do?

Well...

Backstage passes included.

That's easy.

It's not my money.

I'd get my
mother's dress.

It was The Kinks.

She could have worn
the blue thing.

But she trusted me.

I'm giving you an "A"
in morality.

Look, I gotta get to work,
but we've been terrific here.

We covered philosophy,

we covered morality.

All the rest is
just tinsel anyway.

Tomorrow...

we do history.

The '60s,

a misunderstood decade.

Hey, am I crazy

or are we having
a fantastic time here?

I think it's great
being here, Jim.

Hey, you gonna be okay
here if I go to work?

I mean, you want
me to quit?

No, I'll be fine, Jim.

Okay.

Anything I can do
to help out?

Um, let's see, uh...

maybe.

Uh, there's a toolbox
in the bedroom.

If you don't mind,

will you get it out and
re-grout the shower?

I'll try.

That's all anyone
can ask.

(sighs)

Yeah, I'll-I'll let you know
just as soon as we...

Right, okay.

Bye.

Oh, kids.

(splutters)

What about them?

They make you laugh,
don't they?

Yeah, sometimes.

(clears throat)

Take mine, for instance.

Yours?

Yeah.

Ordinarily,
the little guy

is just a pleasure
to live with.

Jim, you don't
have a kid.

Sure, I do.

And I'll tell ya,

he turns into a holy terror

when it comes to washing
behind the ears.

Last night we went around
and around about it.

Finally I gave in and you know,

it wasn't as bad as I thought.

I might just start doing it
regularly.

Jim, what the hell are
you talking about?

Behind the ears here.
No.

You take a wash...
But, Jim-- but you
don't have a kid.

Yes, I do, Alex.

I have adopted a son.

Adopted?
ELAINE:
Jim?

What are you talking about?

It's, uh--

it's a little difficult
to adopt a child, isn't it?

Is this difficult?
(snapping fingers)

Jim, who is
this kid?

Terry.

Terry? You mean the kid that was
in here yesterday?

Uh-huh.
Terry...
But...

But-but he's already
got parents.

I didn't say there
wouldn't be problems.

No, no, no,
no, Jim,

Jim?
Huh?

His parents are desperately
trying to find him.

They're camped out at the police
station right now.

The cops just called to ask
if any of us had seen him.

Jim...
Huh?

You cannot adopt
somebody else's kid.

He's not somebody
else's kid.

He's my kid now.

I made it-- I made it legal.

I got him a library card.

Iggy.
Huh?

I can't believe
my ears.

We're talkin' about
two loving parents

who are desperately lookin'
for that little tyke.

It's our duty to sound them out
about a reward.

I shouldn't
have told

any of you about this.

You're trying to ruin it.

LOUIE:
Money, money,

money...
Now, now, now,
Jim, Jim...

Jim, I don't understand... I
don't understand something.

What-what do you want
with Terry?

He's the son I never had.

Yeah, well, he's the son
his parents do have.

And you better get him
back to them. Fast.

Iggy.
Yeah?

You're sheltering a fugitive.

No, it's not a question of that.

Jim...

his parents are worried sick.

Jim, the cops called.

They said his-his mother's
been crying

for the last 24 hours.

Oh, poor lady.
She's got it
coming to her.

You should hear the
terrible things

she's done to him.

Forcing him to take
piano lessons,

sending him off to camp
every summer

as if he was a-a camper.

The kid has a home.

He's got a family.

He's got a puppy.

He has a puppy?

You...

you know that
for a fact?

A little spotted puppy

who's just sitting around
now pining away

wondering where
his Terry is,

tears welling up
in his little brown eyes.

I don't believe you're
doing this

when you don't
know for sure.

Jim, the puppy
won't eat.

This is emotional
blackmail.

The puppy's name
is Snowball.

Oh!

Because of all the
white, fluffy fur

from his little paws
to his cute little tail.

(moaning)

(mimicking puppy
yelping)
No, no.

Okay, okay, okay, I'll
send him back.

Oh, great, great, Jim.

JIM:
I'll go break it
to him now.

I'll get his parents
and bring 'em over.

Hey, Jim, uh, listen,

I'm-I'm sorry you
have to do this.

(sighing)

It's okay, Alex.

It's just not gonna be easy

explaining to a ten-year-old boy

that he's not adopted.

Hey, Jim, I made you lunch.

SpaghettiOs!

My favorite.

How did you know?

You had 44 cans of it.

After you eat, maybe
we could play catch again.

No.

Well...

I don't think so.

Or we could just watch TV.

Terry...

Terry...

Your parents are
coming over,

and you're going
back with them.

No! No!

No!

Terry!
(door slams)

Te...
(knocking on door)

Jim.

Oh, Jim.
Alex!

Yeah, listen, Jim.
I've been thinking
this over.

Jim, these are Terry's
parents.

Mr. and Mrs. Booth, uh,
this is Jim Ignatowski,

the man who was kind enough
to take your son in,
Hi.

and, uh, take care of him
until you got here.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Ignatowski.

You'll never know how
grateful we are.

You're a good man.
Yes.

Where's my son?

Why?

Is it time to tidy up his room?

He'll be here in plenty of time
for summer camp.

Don't worry.
Uh, uh...

...excuse us
for a minute.

Jim, come here.

(whispering):
Jim, what are you doing?

I just don't know what
to do here, Alex.

I can't go back
on my word.

I promised Terry I would
never send him back.

Believe me, he really doesn't
want to see them again.

If he knew they were here,

he'd probably be out
on the fire escape right now

making a run for it.

Come on, Terry.

We have your puppy
in the car.

See ya, Jim. Thanks!

JIM:
I just don't know
how I'm gonna face him

when he discovers that
they've found him out.

Yeah, well, Jim, I wouldn't
worry about that right now.

Thanks again, Mr. Ignatowski.

You're a very special person.

(door closes)

The kid's gone?

He said good-bye.
You missed it.

Go-go after him.

Uh...

uh...

No, no.

Uh, grownups make
too big a fuss

out of good-byes.

I used to hate it.

"Say good-bye
to your Uncle Harry."

"Good-bye, Uncle Harry."

"Good-bye, Jim."
(grunts)

Look, Jim, you did
the right thing.

You know that, don't you?

Ah...

I guess so.

You okay, Jim?

Yeah.

But my life will never
be the same again.

Oh, come on, Jim, the kid was
only here overnight.

(sighs)

Well, uh,

I don't know, I, uh...

Alex...
Yeah?

Since I didn't have a chance

to say good-bye to him,

can I say good-bye to you?

Me?

Yeah, sure.

Why not?

You don't have to call...

you don't have to write.

All I ask is
that you remember me.

Yeah, okay, right.

(moaning)

How can you make a simple thing
so heart-wrenching?

I feel awful.

I can't leave now.

Well, you want to stay
for lunch?

Yeah, what're you havin'?

Uh, SpaghettiOs,

popcorn and herring.

See you in the garage,
Jim, okay?

No matter how many leave
the nest,

it never gets any easier.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)