04x18 - The Unkindest Cut

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

Have I ever told you guys
anything about Fred Collins?

He's got bedroom eyes,

David Niven mustache

and eyes that show you that
he's a little boy after all.

(giggles)
ALEX:
You just happened to mention him
in passing?

Well, I'm seeing him tonight.
No!

Hey, you finally got a
date with the guy, huh?

Uh, well, no, not exactly,

but I did find out
that he's going

to the Japanese Costume Show
at the Metropolitan.

Oh?
It's the cultural
event of the year.
Wow.

And, uh, I just happened
to get myself invited along,

and I'm gonna be sitting next
to him at the dinner afterwards.
Yeah!

You got it, you got it.
ELAINE (giggling):
Yeah.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll try something subtle

like the
Dance of the Seven Veils.

(laughs)

Don't worry, Elaine,

it's gonna work;
you're a knockout, baby.

Oh, I hope so.

I just want everything to be
so perfect tonight, you know?

So, that's why I did this.

Nice outfit.
Not bad.

You mean, you can't
tell the difference?

ALeX:
Hmm?

Oh, no!

I spent $25 on this hairdo.

Oh, my God, you're right.

It's not special enough.

I'm gonna have to do it.

One of these days, I'm gonna
have to go to Vincenzo Seneca.

That's that place with the
great nude beaches, right?

Yeah, but they got
spiders this big.

No.

Vincenzo Seneca is the "in"
hair stylist of New York City.

Oh, you'll always see
the most gorgeous women

leaving his salon.

Yeah.

You know, there's no harm
in trying

to get an appointment today,
right?

I mean, why not?

Sure.

You know, I've always wanted
to have my hair styled.

I need a little help in
this one problem area.

Cowlick?

I'll try anything.

Elaine, I don't
want to say nothing,

but this guy sounds
pretty expensive.

Uh-huh, it could cost me
maybe $100.

Ouch!

Mm.
Hmm.

Deal.

LOUIE:
All right, gather around,
cabbies,

Gather around.

Come, come, come, come, come!

We have a morale problem here.

You guys are always complaining

that you're bored,

that there's nothing to do
in this garage.

Well, now you've got
something to do.

Guess what's under here.

Uh, is it a volleyball?

Close.

Allow me to present...

Pac-Man!

Now, who is gonna be
the lucky pup

who gets to play the first game?

Iggy!

You're a somewhat
compulsive personality.

Step forward.

Now... you see,
there's the maze.

Uh-huh.
All right.

You see the little things
inside the maze?

They're dots.

That's right!
Oh!

The dots!
Ah!

Iggy, you were born
to play Pac-Man!

Oh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Now, now the object
of the game
Uh-huh.

is to move that little yellow
circle around with this stick

and eat up all the dots.

Oh, wow!
(chuckling)

No, no, no, no, Iggy, Iggy,

settle down, settle
down, settle down.

There's more.
More?!

Now, you see those, those
monsters in the middle?

Uh-huh.
All right,

they come out...
Yeah?

and try and eat you.

Whoa!

All right,
Iggy, Iggy...

Oh, come on,
please, boss!

There's more, Iggy,
there's more!

More!
More?!

Yes, yes.

More.
All right, now,

you see those
white things flashing?

Uh-huh.
Well, those are energizers.

Yeah?
Yes.

If you eat one of those,

then the monsters turn blue

and then when you eat them,

you get points
for eating them.

Oh, oh!

Iggy, Iggy, are you ready?

Oh, I'm ready, boss!

All right, all right,
all right, whoa!

I... I love
his enthusiasm.

Iggy, Iggy, okay.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

The first one is on me.

Ah...

Now remember...

Uh-huh.

You only get
three chances.

(Pac-Man game intro music plays)

(beeping, laser beam-like
life-loss music plays)

(life-loss music plays twice)

Is it over?

Yeah.

That was the greatest
thrill of my life!

I'm glad you liked it!

(yelling in exhilaration)

All right, Iggy,
go to it, Iggy.
Ah. Oh.

Guys, oh, I cannot believe this!

Do you know what?

There was a cancellation
just a few minutes ago.

I can see Vincenzo Seneca
this afternoon.

Hey, go, go, go!

Now all I have to do
is cancel it.

I can't afford this.

Of course I can afford this.

This may be one of the
biggest nights of my life,

and money is no object.

Money has to be an object.
I'm a cabbie.

I am not an extravagant person.

But I am entitled
to an extravagant fling

now and then, and this is it.

This is it.

I'm going.

Oh, I'm going.

ELAINE:
I'm going.

Excuse me, I'm
Elaine Nardo.

Hello, your appointment
is with?

Vincenzo.

Let me see if there's
been a cancellation.

Oh, no, no, no, I
have an appointment.

Yes, but he sometimes cancels.

Creative people.

No, no,

everything seems to be fine,

but he is running
just a little bit late.

Oh, that's okay.

I can wait.

Um...

I've never been here before,

and, uh, I really don't know
what Vincenzo charges.

So, could you tell me?

Not that it matters, of course.

$225 for a Seneca design.

Is that too much?

(uneasy laugh)
No.

No, it's very reasonable.

What else are you
interested in today?

Eyelash tint?

No.

Wax?
No.

Facial?

No.

A manicure?

No.
No?

You're quite sure?

Yes, I'm quite sure.

Well, while you're waiting,
you may have some wine

or coffee or...?

Oh, no thanks.

Rebecca, Miss Rydell
is dry; comb her out.

Lamont, clean that up
back there, will you?

Mike, not too much
off the back.

CLIENT:
Oh... oh, Vincenzo,

I wanted to look marvelous

at the Japanese opening
at the Met tonight

and you've really done it.

Oh, how can I thank you?

Bring me a kimono.

Oh, oh, I would, but I think
there'll be security guards.

Then bring me a security guard.

Oh!
(chuckling)

(giggling)

Is my 1:00 here yet?

Mm, yes, Vincenzo.

Hi, I'm Elaine.

Hello.
Hello.

Well, let's see what we've got.

I'm also going to the Japanese
Costume Show at the Met,

and I'd love to look
fantastic, too.

Mm-hmm.

Do you usually
cut this yourself?

No.

Oh, well, never mind,
just hop up there.

Now...

Elaine,

just as Michelangelo

discovered the beauty of
David in a slab of marble,

I shall find in that head of
hair your perfect hairstyle.

Promise.
(giggling):
Okay.

But who's gonna dress you?

(chortles)

So, what are we going
to do today, hmm?

I don't know.

Well, why don't you tell me
something about yourself?

Maybe that'll help.

Well, um...

I'm a mother and I also
drive a cab part-time

and I work at an art gallery
part-time

and I'm gonna have the biggest
night I've had in years

and I want to look great.

Cabdriver, really?
Mm-hmm.

How fascinating.

Well, stick with me,
and you'll become a passenger.

How about just
an edge of style, hmm?

Okay.
Oh, I know, I know.

Uh, just a hint of color?

Oh, Vincenzo, I don't know.

I'm pretty comfortable
with this color.

Well, all right, fine.

We'll stick with I Love Lucy.

Wait.

Uh, Vincenzo, I don't mean
to offend you or anything.

It's just that it's so important
to me to look great tonight,

and, and I really don't know
what I want,

so I'm just a little nervous.

I think you should
leave it to me.

I don't know,
what would you want to...

I think you should
leave it to me.

But you don't
really know me.

You want thick,
you want beautiful,

you want men to drop dead
at the very sight of you.

Am I right?
Exactly.

I think you should
leave it to me.

Hmm?

Well...
okay, I'll trust you.

You won't be
disappointed.

Rebecca, we're gonna need
some green out here.

Just kidding.

Just kidding!

ELAINE:
You know, it's gonna
be a marvelous evening.

This man is so divine,
Vincenzo, you'd love him.

Can I look now?

No, no, no, no,
not yet, not yet.

Oh, my God,
you're gonna love this.

Really?
It's absolutely perfect.

I hope so.

I'm so nervous,
I can't breathe.

Are you ready?
Yeah.

Hmm?
Okay.

(screams)

Too fabulous
for you?

Oh, what did you do?

What did you do to my hair?!

You're not unhappy,
are you?

Oh! I knew it!
I knew it!

I should've looked! No!

Listen, you're just upset
because it's something new.

Believe me, live with it for
a while, and you'll love it.

All right, fine,
don't take my word for it.

People, come around here,
will you, please?

Now, Elaine isn't quite sure
about her hair.

Personally, I think
it's tremendous.

Now, we'd like
some other opinions.

It's fantastic!
Beautiful!
Gorgeous!

It should go
in the book!

Right.

Let me get out of here.

I just want to get out of here.

Well, I guess I just
can't do cabdrivers.

You're kidding me.

Well, what did you
expect me to say?

(Pac-Man game whirring
and beeping)

Hey, Jim.

Have you been at that machine
all day nonstop?

No.

I had to go out
a couple of times

and beg for quarters.

All right,

paychecks, paychecks, everybody.

Badick...

Banta...
All right, Lou.

Reiger.

Ignatowski!

(coins clinking)

Thanks, boss.
You're a brick.

Ha ha. (mimics Pac-Man game
sounds): Mm, yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.
Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Ha ha!

You know, you're
sick, Louie.

You know that?

Hey, Jim, come on.

For a guy like you, this
can become an obsession,

you know that?
(game music plays)

Why don't you quit before
you've spent all your money?

Don't let this
happen to you, Jim.

Lighten up.

(crying)

Elaine?

Oh, my God, Elaine!

(crying)

Elaine, hey, no,
no, no, no.

Wait, Elaine,
it's not that bad.

Stop crying.

No.
Who's crying?

Oh, Elaine.

I'm sorry.

I was just looking
at your lovely new hairdo.

(crying):
Oh, don't lie to me, Tony.

It's hideous!
It's awful!

I wanted this to be
the biggest night of my life,

and now I can't even go.

Oh, hey, now, come on,
don't say that.

You-you should go
anyway.

Why? So they can serve
hors d'oeuvres on my head?

Why don't you
just get it fixed?

I can't fix this!

I can't even get a comb
through it.

Once you do this much
to your hair,

you have to leave it alone
for a couple of days.

And if I do anything now,
it'll just fall out in clumps.

It might be worth a sh*t.

Tony!

Look, Elaine,

don't get depressed
by this.

Oh, I'm not
even depressed
about it, Alex.

I'm furious!
I'm so angry!

I'm so mad at that guy!

I'm so mad at myself!

Don't you see, I could have...

I could have asked him

to show me what he was doing
in the mirror, but I didn't.

I just let him intimidate me.

I tried to act like
I was part of his world.

I-I denied who I am.

I didn't listen to my instincts.

I knew it!

I knew it
as I was sitting there.

So what did I do?

I just emptied my wallet
and paid the guy

for making me look
like spoiled coleslaw.

Oh, oh, Elaine, Elaine,
Elaine, Elaine,

no, no, no, no, no,
please, please.

Hey, Elaine,
what's going on?

Wait... a minute.

There's something
different about you.

Jim...
Don't tell me.

Uh, wait a minute,
it's your hair.

Isn't it?
Isn't it?

Yes!

Hey.

They always
appreciate it

when you notice
the little things.

You know, look
at it this way.

At least the worst
is over.

Louie isn't here,
is he?

Correction.
The worst is yet to come.

ALEX:
Louie, Louie, Louie!

Louie, no.

Louie, Louie.

I haven't seen a mess
like that...

since somebody stuck
a firecracker

up my Uncle Emilio's parrot.

Louie, she feels bad enough

without having to put up
with those insults of yours.

What insults?

I loved that bird.

Ah, gee-whiz, Nardo.

Gee-whiz!

(sobbing)
Louie.

Gee-whiz, Nardo.

Why'd you do it?

I mean, I...

Well, I guess you got a right
to feel self-destructive,

but you could've thought of me.

I look forward to seeing you
every day,

like some palookas look forward
to a sunrise.

Well, wh-why'd you do it?

Uh, were you feeling
that self-destructive?

Is this a twisted cry
for help?

TONY:
Louie, she didn't want this.

Some fancy hairdresser
did it to her.

Yeah.
Is that true?

Yeah.

Oh, geez!

Oh!

Oh!
Just forget
about it now.

There's nothing I can do
about it.

Wh-What-What
do you mean?

Wh-What do you mean,
there's nothing...?

There's gotta
be something
she can do.

I mean, if a man assaulted
her body, he'd go to jail.

If a man desecrated
a work of art--

in the clink.

Maybe I should go over there
and break that guy's head.

Now that's something!
An act of barbarism.

Yeah!
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute here.

Don't be ridiculous, Tony.

You are a professional boxer.

You just can't go around....
Reiger,

you've seen his fights.

There's not a court in the land
that would buy that one.

Don't listen to him.

Even you can take
a hairdresser.

Was he big?

ALEX:
Hey, now, come on,
everybody.

Now, just calm down,
just calm down.

So he gave her
a bad haircut.

That doesn't make him a bad guy,
does it?

He treated me like dirt.

When I was leaving there crying,
he said...

"Well, I guess
I can't do cabdrivers."

Oh, he kills me. He kills me.
Yeah, and then...

and then all the people in the
shop started to laugh at me.

LOUIE:
Ooh, dirty rat.
What did you do?

Nothing.

What could I do?

Since when do you
take things like that?

You could have asked
for your money back.

You could have demanded
that he redo it.

You could have
gotten angry.

I mean, wh-what is
this guy anyway?

I mean, just...
Will you give me
a break?

I just want to forget it now.
Forget it?

Forget it?
You can't forget it.

How can you forget?

Every time you look
in the mirror,

every time you hear
the laughter of kids...

every time a policeman's
horse shies up,

how can you forget that?

Elaine, look,

you don't feel foolish
because of what he did to you.

You feel foolish
because you took it, right?

Because you took it.

Now you gotta go back there,
you know that.

No.
You gotta go back.

No! Alex, Alex, you can't
make me go back there.

You don't know how
mean they were to me.
Don't worry about it.

I'll go with you.
Now where is it?

53rd and Lex.

Good. Come on.

Come on.
Oh.

53rd and Lex.

Come on.

Just do it.
Get your money back.

It'll take a couple
of weeks, and it'll
be all right.

No.

Uh, hello.
I'm back.

Oh, don't you worry, darling.

I'll just tell him
you're here to apologize.

He'll understand.

Thank you.
Let's go.
Thank you?

What're you
talking about?
Alex...

Don't let these people
intimidate you.

Alex, they're not
intimidating me.

I just want to go.
There is no reason...

Can I borrow
your hand mirror?

Alex, I want
to go home.

I want to talk
to Vincenzo
right now!

Right now.

He can't be disturbed
when he's in comb-out.

Well, if he can't be disturbed
while he's in comb-out,

we'll wait.

Would you like some wine
while you wait?

Is it free?

Yes, of course.
Okay.

You come here often?

I'm just here waiting
for a cancellation.

Uh, listen,
I'm Alex Reiger.

I work with Elaine.

Oh, my God!

The fleet's in.

Vincenzo, I am very upset

about what you did
to my hair.

I-I-I'm ashamed
to be seen in public,

and I feel like you
bullied me into this.

I'd like you
to give me my money back,

and I also think
you owe me an apology

for the way
you talked to me.

Where do you come from that you
think life works like that?

My God.

Hey, now wait a minute,
buddy, buddy,

now either you give her
her money back...

Or what?

Are you gonna
create a scene?

Do you really think
that I'm afraid of a scene?

Girls, we're in luck.

There's going to be a scene.

Now...

this young woman came
to me this morning

with a hairdo that her high
school must have found boring,

and I gave her this.

Beautiful!

Like a parrot.

And instead of
thanking me,

she brought the
Jewish Defense League

to get her money back.

Hey, now, now wait a minute,
now wait a minute.

I-I don't belong
to any organization.

I happen to be
a very simple cabdriver

and a friend of Elaine and a...
a champion of justice.

ALEX:
Louie!

What are you doing here?

I want to see the guy
who did it.

Louie, I don't want you
to say a word.

Not a word.

I mean it.

All right, all right,
all right, I won't say a word.

I promise.

I just want to see him.

Is this

the big date you were
getting ready for?

(growling)

Curb your friend,
will you please?

Louie, Louie,
it's very important...

it's very important that
Elaine handle this herself.

Do you hear me?

Now you just sit
down somewhere.

Just sit down somewhere.
Come here.

Sit down.
Here.

Come on, sit.

(growling)
Sit! Sit!

Sit!

Stay! Stay!

Stay!

Young lady,
what is your problem?

I mean, when are you
gonna realize

that all of these people think
that my work is great?

You think you've got
this big personality cult

going here, don't you?

Well, let me tell
you something.

I bet there isn't
a woman here

who doesn't know exactly
what I'm talking about.

Haven't you ever
been terribly unhappy

with-with what he's
done to your hair,

and yet you didn't want
to say anything to him

because you felt like
it would upset him?

Well...

ELAINE:
I mean, I came here
for something

a little special, you know,
for something a little different

and-and this is what I got.

I mean, look at this.

Look at me!

Joan of Arc did less whining
at the stake.

(laughing):
My God.

ALEX:
Elaine, Elaine!

Elaine!

Look at me.
What am I doing?

What am I doing?

Go ahead.

Common people
do common things.

(grunts)
ALEX:
Elaine,

Elaine, don't, don't!

Elaine! Elaine!

You'll be no better than him.

You're right, Alex.

And I'm a lot better
than he is.

Come on, let's go.

Wait for me!
(Vincenzo chuckling)

She may be
better than you,

but I ain't.

¶

(Pac-Man game whirring
and beeping)

(game ends)

I-I don't know
why I play this game.

Throbbing noises,

flashing lights,

monsters chasing you--

I get enough of that
in real life.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)