04x20 - Elegant Iggy

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

Next.

Okay, to the
N-E-G-A-T-E.

"Negate" for,
uh, nine points.

Uh, mind if
I play?

Huh?

No, be my guest.

I can't make anything
out of those letters anyway.

(sighs)

(scoffs)

B... L...

O... R... F.

Blorf.

How many points?

That isn't a word.

Is it?

No! I'm sorry, Jim,

but that's not
a word-- blorf.

Yes?

Did someone call me?

No.

Oh, I thought I heard
someone say Blorf.

Blorf was my nickname
in the old country.

Kids can be cruel.

Thanks a lot, Jim.

Thanks very much.
Sure.

Ooh, what are these tickets
in your pocket, huh?

Oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Instead of a tip,
some fare gave me

tickets to see Itzhak Perlman.

Jim... Itzhak Perlman is

the greatest violinist
in the world.

Oh-oh-oh.

I-I thought it was
a religious service.

Uh, um, who wants to go with me?

Oh, I'd love to go.

That sounds great to me.

Well, I guess I'm gonna
have to choose between

Elaine and Alex.

Oh!

This is gonna be
a tough choice.

They're both good friends.

(sighs)

Elaine is a beautiful girl.

(giggles)

Huh?

And Alex...

is not a beautiful girl.

No contest.

I choose Elaine.

Oh, boy, that was
a piece of cake!

(knocking)

Who is it?

Jim Ignatowski.

Hi.

(gasps)

My God.

What, what, what?

No, no, no, no, nothing bad.

It's just that

you're gorgeous.

Oh, that?

Uh, thank you.

I-I... I never tire
of hearing that.

(chuckles):
My gosh.

Flowers for a beautiful woman.

Oh, thank you.

(clears throat)

A... corsage

for a beautiful woman.

Oh, Jim.

Oh.

A box of chocolates...

for a b-beautiful woman.

(clears throat)
Oh.

A-a pen and pencil set...

for a beautiful woman.

Thank you.

(chuckles)

A dozen lamb chops--

or navel oranges.

I forget which.

And...

a Yoda doll

for a beautiful woman.

Jim, you shouldn't have.

Oh, it was nothing.

(clears throat)

So, uh...

you all set to go?

Jim, I-I'm in
my bathrobe.

Oh.

Phew.

Boy, I thought
that was an ugly gown.

What are you
doing here now?

Well, I gue--
I was a little anxious,

so I guess I got here early.

Listen, you take your time
and get ready,

and I'll wait
out in the hallway.

The concert is tomorrow.

Oh.

No problem.

I brought a book.

Jim, don't you think it
would be better for you

if you went home and
then came back tomorrow

instead of waiting
out there all night?

Nope.

But, uh, I could,
if you want.

If you want to race the clock.

Let's do that.

Okey-doke.
Okay.

(laughs)

I don't want to show up tomorrow
empty-handed.

The vest matches.

(laughs)

I know, I know.

Oh, my God,
that's Mrs. Weber.

She's one of my art gallery's
biggest clients.

Well, she could lose
a pound or two.

Shh.

Let's say hello.

No, no, no, no. I-I don't
want her to see me with...

Uh, I-I don't want
to see her right now.

Why-why don't we just
face this way, okay?

Elaine?

Elaine Nardo,
is that you?

Mrs. Weber.

Well, how nice
to see you here.

How are you?
Oh, fine.

And-and you?

Fine, thank you.

I loved
Mr. Perlman.

Oh, he was wonderful.

Mm.

Oh, Mrs. Weber,
this is Jim Ignatowski.

How do you do,
Mr. Ignatowski?

Hello.

He's an attractive man, Elaine.

If I were ten years younger,
I'd steal him away from you.

(Mrs. Weber giggles)

(chuckles)

It was nice meeting
you, Mr. Ignatowski.

Oh, I just
had a thought.

I'm having a
musicale on Sunday.

Many of the creative community
will be there, Elaine.

I think you'd enjoy
knowing them,

and it'll give us
a chance to talk.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Weber.

I'd love to.

Good. I'll expect both of you.

Can I count on it?

Well, I don't...

You bet.

It'll be 6:00, uh, formal.

Call my secretary for
directions, will you?

I'm going home now to talk
with cook about the menu.

How does squab sound?

Something like this.

(cooing)

(whispers):
Jim, please.

What are you doing, Alex?

I'm rapid reading.

It's a new power reading method
I'm learning.

Pretty impressive, isn't it?

I'll say.

Wow. What are
you reading?

I have no idea.

You don't know
what you're reading?

Not a word.

Alex, I have a terrible problem.

I have to talk to you.
ALEX: Yeah, just a minute,

just a minute.
I'm almost finished.

I'll help.

Anything need rubbing?

Well, would you come on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
just a second, just a second.

Okay, what?
What's the problem?

Last night at the concert,
I ran into Elizabeth Weber.

She's one of the most
influential people in society,

and she invited me to a party
at her house where everyone

who's anyone in the New York
art world will be there.

Get to the point, Elaine.

Can't you see that I'm
in the middle of-- Moby d*ck?

Hey.

Alex, the contacts I
could make at this party,

well, I'd need 20 years
of working in the gallery

to do something
like that.

I mean, my entire career could
be determined in this one night.

My bosses aren't even invited.

They would k*ll to be there.

The point, Elaine,
get to the point.

Shut up, Reiger, and
she'll get to the point.

Thank you.

The point is, it's the most
important night of my life,

and Jim has been invited
as my date.

(laughs)

I'm sorry, Elaine.

I mean, I-I understand
your situation,

because I can just realize

what Jim might do
at an affair like that.

Alex.
(chuckles):
I'm sorry.

Come on, can't you see
the humor in this?

There is no humor in this.

Alex, you weren't there
last night when the conductor

walked down to the podium
and Jim yelled, "Down in front!"

(Alex and Louie laughing)

Stop it!

Stop laughing at me,
both of you!

This is a problem
and you're not helping!

Okay, okay, Reiger,
Reiger, enough is enough.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry, Elaine,
I'm sorry.

I don't mean
to sound unsympathetic,

but, uh, all right,
you do have a real problem.

Yes.
Well, what are you
gonna do?

I mean, all you can do is just

go with him
and hope for the best.

Oh, the best?

Alex, this is a man who,
during the slow passages,

rolled up his program and blew
salted nuts into the tuba.

(laughing)

Aw, come on.

Reiger, Reiger!

Cut it out, huh?!

Can't you see she's
reaching out to us?

I'm sorry, Elaine.

LOUIE:
Come on, she's asking
our advice...

Okay.
...because she doesn't want
to hurt Iggy's feelings.

Exactly.

She cannot take him
to this party,

because he'll obviously blow
this opportunity for her.

Yeah.
And she'll
regret it

for the rest
of her life.

God, look who understands me.

You know the difference
between people like you

and people like me, Nardo?

Yeah, two million years
of evolution.

(laughing)

Will you shut
up, Reiger?

Go on, Louie.

The difference is...

that I... would dump him

(snaps fingers)
without a second thought.

You'd dump him,
but only after

you tortured yourself
with guilt.
Oh, yes!

Either way, it's
heartbreak hotel for Iggy.

So, make it easy on yourself.

Do what you have to do,

but do it gentle...

and quick.
(snaps fingers)

Well, what do you know.

Yeah.
Hmm.

Not bad, huh?

(quietly:
Mm-hmm!

Think you could've
handled that any better?

No.

Oh, yes, I could have!

Ha!

Elaine...

come on, y-you're getting
all worked up over nothing.

I mean, you know Jim.

If the invitation
was made yesterday,

there's a good chance
he won't even remember
being invited.

I'm sure he doesn't
care about this party.

I-I'm sure that the whole thing
is completely forgotten by now.

(laughs):
Yeah.

JIM:
¶ Da-la-la, dum, dum

¶ Puttin' on my ¶

¶ Top hat

¶ Tying up
my white tie ¶

¶ Brushing up my tails...

(snapping fingers)

(chuckles)

(big sigh)

(quietly):
Gentle and quick.

Oh, come on, will ya?

Listen, Elaine,
just listen to me.

What do you think?

Gentle and quick.

Did you rent
that outfit?

Rent it? Nothing!
I bought it!

The clerk told me that
it would pay for itself

in six months

if I became the Ambassador
to the Court of St. James.

Well, it looks
very nice on you

and sort of gives you
that devil-may-care look.

How much did it cost?

Well, who cares?

¶ Da la da-da...

Can I talk to you a minute?
¶ Da, da, da...
You bet.

¶ Da-la-la, dum dum...

Well...

¶ Ba-la-la, dee,
dee, dee... ¶

This would be a lot easier
without the humming.

It sure would.
Where's that
coming from?

(humming melody)

From you.

Oh.
(uneasy chuckle)

Huh.

Um...

I want to thank you
again for last night.

I-I really did
have a lovely time.

So did I.

A concert, right?

Yeah, the concert.

Good.

Jim, how would you feel

if I asked you...

if... I could go
to the party by myself?

Why, sure, we can
meet up there.

No. I mean...

what if I asked you
not to go at all?

Oh, oh, oh.

It would k*ll me.

Well, um...

I could make it up to you.

W-We could go
to a movie sometime.

A movie?

Yeah, we could
dress up for it, too.

For a movie?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Yeah, I-I understand.

Uh...

it's okay.

You go ahead. Uh...

Yeah.

We'll go to a movie sometime.

I promise you.
All right.

Tell me all
about the party.

I will.

Jim, how about going
to that party with me?

Oh.

Uh, what'll I wear?

Now, Jim,
just remember,

with these people,
it's best to listen.

They love to talk.

A-a good listener
will be a big hit.

Don't worry, Elaine,
I'll make you proud.

Aw. Just be
careful, okay?
Uh-huh.

I mean, with these
kinds of people,

even I don't know
how to act sometimes.

Well, then let me
give you a little advice.

When you're talking
to these highbrows,

and they get you confused,

the best thing to do
is to stay calm

and make small talk.

But... if someone
says something

really baffling to you,

simply laugh knowingly
and walk away.

Oh, Mrs.
Weber, hello.

And, Mr. Ignatowski,
how are you this evening?

Uh...
(clears throat)

Nice weather we're having.

Ah. Wouldn't it be wonderful
if it could always be this nice?

(mumbling):
Oh... yeah.

Come, Elaine,

there's some people
I want to introduce you to.

Maybe I've become
too cautious,

or even jaded,

but then every
heartbreak seems

to take a little
more out of me,

and I-I never
fully recover.

Well, who does?
Oh.

Isn't that the truth?

I suppose no one
really does.

So, why risk the pain?

I mean, is it worth it?

Is anything worth it?

Who knows?

(chuckles)

So why worry about
it at all, right?

Right.

Oh, you have a very
sensitive man.

Don't lose him.

Thank you so much for letting me
unburden myself on you, Jim.

Do you mind if I give him
a little kiss?

No, I don't mind.

(whispering):
Baby, why don't you
and I get together?

What?

What?

What were you two
talking about?

(dry chuckle)

(clears throat)

Beats me.

It's getting so I can
listen to anything.

You're doing a fine job
tonight.

Thank you.

WEBER:
Oh, my dearest,

I'm so embarrassed,

I don't know
what to do.

The pianist
hasn't shown up,

and I promised these
people entertainment.

Where could I go

to substitute for someone
at this late hour?

You're looking at him.

WEBER:
Oh!

Jim...

Oh, Mr. Ignatowski, you?

I'd be delighted

to help you out
of a tight spot.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, Jim.

He's just kidding, really.

ELAINE:
He-he loves to kid.

(chuckling):
Oh, she...

Oh, she's right.

But I am dead serious.

Oh, oh, thank you, thank you.

Uh, my friends, will you
take your seats, please?

Jim, you really
don't mean this.

I mean, come on, we....
Elaine,

please, dear, will you
sit right over here?

Thank you, dear.

(Weber clears throat)

WEBER:
Although this evening's
performer is indisposed,

one of our guests has agreed
to act as substitute--

Mr. James Ignatowski.

(applause)

And we have Miss Elaine Nardo,

as our sponsor and for our
good fortune to thank.

Hear, hear.

Uh, stand up,
Elaine.

Thank you.

(sotto voce):
I wish I were dead.

My impression

of a water cooler.

(gurgling)

(belches loudly)

You ain't seen nothing yet.

He's a veteran!
Oh.

And now,
for you mime enthusiasts...

...here's one that never fails
to delight.

These people--

this is not what
they wanted to see.

They wanted
to hear music.

Well, why didn't
they say so?

Jim, why don't
we just leave?
I'll give it...

I'll give it a sh*t.

Please, can't we...
(mumbles)

(Jim inhales deeply)

(exhaling)

Here goes.

(playing "London Bridge
Is Falling Down" off-key)

(stops playing abruptly)

(resumes playing "London Bridge
Is Falling Down" off-key)

(pauses)

(resumes playing)

(stops playing)

Oh, the hell with it!

(playing "Fantasie Impromptu"
harmoniously)

I must've had music lessons!

("Fantasie Impromptu"
continues concordantly)

¶

(applause)

Could you answer
a question for me?
Sure. Anything.

Did I have a
good time tonight?

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)