04x05 - Louie's Fling

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: On Taxi,
Louie consoles Zena's girlfriend

and finds himself
the object of desire.

There she was,
desperate and stoned...

Everything I could
hope for in a woman.

But Louie's bragging puts
him at odds with Elaine.

Nobody is gonna
tell Zena anything.

Oh, no?

It leaves him on
the outs with Zena...

You're garbage!

And her girlfriend.

You're gross and disgusting.

ANNOUNCER: It's Taxi.

(theme song playing)

LOUIE (over radio): Hey, Reiger,
what are you gonna be doing

on this miserable cold night

while I'm cuddling
with my girlfriend Zena,

sipping wine and watching
the Miss Universe pageant?

I'll be driving, Lou.

Close.

You'll be driving an old woman

and a sick husky to the vet.

Hudson and Jane Street.

Thank you, Lou.

So long, Reiger.

Mush, mush!

Over and out.

Hi, Zena.

(woman sobbing
loudly) What's that?

It's Emily; she's
in the bathroom.

Oh, no! I thought you said
you were gonna get rid of her!

I want to watch Miss Universe.

I'm sorry, but Emily is very
upset, and she needs me.

Oh... Oh, try and understand.

She's been living with this
guy, Adam, for three years,

supporting him so he
could finish art school.

The day he graduates,
he tells her he's leaving

to marry another woman!

That's it?

Oh... (groans)

Louie, be a sport! Come on!

(Emily crying)

(sniffling) Zena,

I feel terrible inflicting
myself on you like this.

Maybe I should go.

No, no, no, no, absolutely not.

Just come on and sit down, okay?

Emily, this is my
boyfriend, Louie.

Yeah, yeah, tough break.

(sobbing)

(still crying) (TV playing)

I just keep asking
myself, "Is it really over?"

I just can't believe it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

What am I gonna do?

What? What? Shh!

ZENA: Louis!

I said, "Shh," not shut up.

I really should leave.

Emily, please stop that.

Hey, hey, hey, how
about a drink, huh?

No, I probably shouldn't drink.

I'm taking some medication.

What are you taking?

I got a mild sedative
from my doctor and, uh,

and one from my mother.

And, oh, yeah, the
super gave me one.

I just had to have something
to help me get through this.

(wailing)

What is that?!

(grumbling)

Louie, would you please
mind opening up the wine?

I'd like some.

(groaning)

(grumbling)

Sure you don't want something
to wash down the goofballs?

Yeah.

Yeah, why not?

I'm going for numb.

Here, numb up, numb up, numb up.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

I know what my problem is.

I let him know just
how much I loved him.

You see, Louie, I
don't hold anything back

and so, I don't
have anything left.

TV ANNOUNCER: And now
a word from our sponsor...

You know, Emily, I don't
think that's your problem.

Louie, you hardly
even know Emily.

I don't think she
wants your advice.

No, I'm curious.

I'd like to hear an
impartial opinion.

Well, I'd like to get this in
before the commercial's over.

Uh, look, Emily,

uh, did either of your
parents drink a lot?

My father.

That's it!

He was unstable
and unpredictable,

but there was a kind
of excitement about that.

Now you're seeking out
that excitement in a man.

You look for that craziness,
and it blows up in your face.

I'm missing the swimsuits.

Do you realize what
that man just did?

He summed up my entire life.

Why are you always
apologizing about him?

There are moments
when I'm proud of the lug.

Thank you.

(grunting)

Well, I gotta go.

ZENA: Oh, no, Emily, stay.

EMILY: No, no, I feel like

I'm imposing,
and... and besides,

I'm a lot better
now. I'll be fine.

Are you sure? Mm-hmm.

I just want to go
freshen up a little.

Not that it'll ever
matter again.

(sobbing)

(silent cheers)

Louie, we can't
let her go like that.

Why? It's good for
her she's leaving.

After being dumped,
seeing the catch you got

is like rubbing
salt in the wounds.

Look, would you mind calling
one of your cabs for her?

I can't let her walk home.

Oh, give me the phone,
give me the phone.

(Emily sobbing)

Ooh!

I hate to just put her in a cab.

I know it's asking a lot,

but would you go along with her?

Oh, no, Zena, I can't...
I don't want to do that!

Miss Barbados is gonna
play the French horn.

Please?

(mumbling): Yeah...

LOUIE: All right, all right.

Oh! Reiger, they sent you.

Yeah.

Take us to
Christopher Street, Driver.

(chuckles)

Always glad to do
a favor for a friend.

You piece of dirt.

Emily, I'd like you
to meet Alex Reiger.

Alex, this bit of emotional
wreckage is Emily,

a good friend of
Zena's and mine.

Take it easy on her;
she just got dumped.

Nice to meet you, Alex.

Yeah, hi there.

He reminds me of Adam,

the same Semitic coloring.

Adam even had one
of those flannel shirts

when they were in style. Hey.

Hey, lady, come on,
what'd I do to you?

It's okay, Reiger,
she's scrambled eggs.

Look, Emily, you gotta
stop thinking about this guy.

You're right, I've got to
stop thinking about him.

And I'm not gonna
be able to do that

as long as I've got things
that remind me of him.

Look, Adam and me at Tanglewood.

Step on it, will you, Reiger?

Adam and me at
my sister's wedding.

(crying): Adam.

And look, I'm carrying
his love letters.

Can you believe I still
carry his love letters?

You know, you got
an ashtray back there.

Hostile!

Hostile, just like Adam.

Oh, I... There I
go again, I'm sorry.

Do you have a handkerchief?

Not one big enough for you.

(sobbing)

Now, now, lady,

this is it, Reiger, this is it.

All right, that's good.

Let it all out.

Have yourself a good
cry, but do it outside.

You're on the meter in here.

Come on.

Oh, wait a minute.

That's a pretty dark building
you're going into there.

Look at all the
scuzzos out front.

Um... when you get
to your apartment,

flick the lights on and off
so we know you're okay.

Go on, get out.

Louie, Louie, walk her up.

What? Walk her up.

Look, I'm not walking
her... Walk her up.

No, I don't want
to! Walk her up!

Walk her, walk
her! I don't want to!

What are we, Knights
of the Round Table?

Walk her!

All right, I'll walk her,

but you wait for me, Reiger.

This is the worst Miss
Universe night I ever spent.

Hang on, screwball!

(door unlocking)

LOUIE: Yeah,
yeah, there you are.

Here you are, home
safe and sound.

Oh, here, here.

Thanks a lot, Louie.
All right, all right.

I really appreciate
the lift and, you know,

you walking me
up and everything.

Yeah, all right.

I hate being this needy.

It's okay.

We all make asses of ourselves.

(laughing)

(chuckling)

Yeah, made you smile, huh?

(sighing)

You're a real friend.

Yeah, well, okay, good night.

And you're a lovely man.

Huh?

I don't know what wonderful
thing you're gonna say next.

Well...

Well, I'll tell ya,

uh, you know what
a real friend is?

Uh...

Well, frankly, I don't know
very many quotes, but, uh,

I think perhaps Mark Twain
put it best when he said,

"A friend is somebody
who, who laughs at our jokes

when they're not so good

and who sympathizes
with our troubles

when they're not so bad."

Mark Twain was the most
brilliant man who ever lived.

Yeah, but who slipped
it into the conversation?

Well, thanks again.

Yeah. Good night.

Good night, good night.

My mouth always
opens a little bit.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know what I'm
gonna say next, don't you?

Yeah, get the hell out of
here. I don't want to be alone.

Get the hell out of here?
You don't want to be alone?

I don't want to be alone.
Get the hell out of here.

Okay, Reiger, how
much do I owe you?

Oh, yeah.

How long did you wait
before you figured out

that Louie De Palma was
gonna score with that girl?

An hour.

It took me that long to realize

that you could do
something that low to Zena.

Louie, I'm appalled.

You made Alex wait a whole
hour outside the building?

Tony, you don't know
what you're saying.

sh**t, every time I
try to use a fancy word,

I screw it up. No.

Tony, the word is right.

But the point is,
he spent the night

with Zena's best friend.

Louie... I'm candid.

You'll want to hear this.

There she was,

dejected, desperate and stoned.

Everything I could
hope for in a woman.

And we went for each other.

And now, I have two. Two.

I have two women.

Look, two phone numbers. Hmm?

Two.

For this guy, I don't
mind tellin' ya, it's a dream

come true. Oh, boy...

I'm tellin' ya, I never
thought it would happen.

Don't give up on
your dreams, Reiger.

I hung in there.

I persevered.

And now, I stand humble
in the promised land

with a babe on each arm.

(chuckles)

Gather 'round me, boys.

Let me give you some advice.

Take notes if you wish.

(laughs)

Follow those dreams.

Chase those rainbows.

Climb every mountain
and ye shall be rewarded.

"Ye"? What's with him?

Uh-uh-uh, this is
guy talk, guy talk.

Nobody tell Nardo
anything or you'll set her off.

Tell Nardo what?

Louie's been having a
fling with Zena's best friend.

(muttering)

Oh, Louie... Ye
really are slime.

Take it easy now, Nardo. No!

Take... You know something?

I'm glad you're gonna lose Zena.

I'm glad.

How will I lose her?

Because sooner or later,

someone won't be able
to stomach what you did,

and they're gonna tell her.

Nobody is gonna
tell Zena anything.

Oh, no? Why not?

Because it would hurt her.

Neh!

But you know
someone will tell her,

because they like Zena,
and they don't like you.

And even though it's
gonna hurt her at first,

eventually she'll get over it.

And it'll make
her get rid of you.

And that's the best thing
that could ever happen to her.

Neh!

She's right.

She's right.

It'll get out.

It's impossible to keep the
lid on something like this.

I gotta tell her...
Tell her myself.

She loves me, and
she'll forgive me.

Thanks a lot, Jim.

Hey, uh, boss?

About those inspiring words

you made a few moments ago,

I didn't get a few of
the words at the end.

What comes after,
"Follow those dreams,

chase those rainbows..."?

Suck rope, bean brain.

"Suck rope, bean brain."

Well, it fizzles out a
little there at the end,

but it's a timeless
message anyway.

Hi, Zena.

Louie, what happened last night?

I was so worried. Uh...

Look, there's
something I gotta tell ya.

This isn't easy.

But to be as gentle as possible,

last night, your
girlfriend and I...

we took a hammock ride.

(gasps)

Oh, God!

Now, don't blame yourself.

Emily! How could she?

I can never be
friends with her again.

That's for sure.

I must say, I lost a lot
of respect for her myself.

And you!

Get out of here!

I don't want to see you again.

I don't want to know you exist!

Me? You're getting
mad at me, the victim?

"Victim," what are
you talking about?

You don't know that woman, Zena.

She's a temptress.

I didn't know what hit me.

Maybe you were a victim.

You're a weak man who hasn't had

much pleasure in his life.

Yeah, you're right.

I was a victim.

Thanks for understanding.

And besides, how
long can this thing

between me and
Emily go on anyway?

"Go on"?

You want to continue?

Yeah.

Get your stuff and get out

of here right now!

Well, what'd I say?
We were doing so good.

Don't say another word!

Twist things!

You lie!

You're a user, Lou!

You take

and you take and you
take and you never give!

Don't call me! Don't write me!

Forget where I live!

I don't want see you again!

You're selfish and
you're miserable!

Zena, do you want
those to be the last words

we ever say to each other?

No.

You're garbage!

(knocking)

LOUIE: Oh, Emily, it's Louie.

Hi. Just some bric-a-brac

I didn't have time to take home.

I'm not moving in yet.

(snickering) Uh, Louie.

I don't know quite
how to put this.

It's about last night.

Ah... (laughs).

Were you taller?

Huh?

Were you a lot better dressed?

Nope.

Did you have more hair?

Well, not last
night, but I did once.

What's going on here?

Louie, last night...
was a mistake.

"Mistake"? What do you
mean? What're you talkin' about?

I wasn't myself last night.

Well, whoever you
were, applause, applause.

Look, Louie, I was
really sick last night.

I shouldn't have had
that wine and, frankly,

I had a lot too
many of those pills.

Was that it?
You're out of pills.

I can get you pills.

No, you're forcing me to be
completely honest with you.

In the light of day, you're
gross and disgusting.

So what?

Uh, Emily, uh, some
of the finest things in life

are repulsive at first.

Uh, look, look at caviar.

Uh, Louie, um, I didn't want
to discuss my personal life

with you anymore, but I will.

My boyfriend wants me back.

Huh?

He's gonna be
here in five minutes.

Now, he's very territorial
when it comes to me,

and I don't want
him to see you here.

But wha... I can't leave.

I lost Zena.

I mean, you're all I got left.

I could go back to one, but zip?

I can't do zip again.

(doorbell buzzes)

Oh, God. There he is.

Um, I'll go downstairs
and stall him.

You'd better get your
things and get out of here.

He's crazy jealous.
(doorbell buzzes)

Take the freight
elevator to the cellar

and go out through
the alley. But Emily...

Oh, Reiger...
Reiger, you're here.

Thank God! Thank God!

Thank God you're
here! What's...?

Thank you, God! Louie, Louie.

What is it? Reiger,
you got to help me.

You got to help me. What? What?

I'm at the lowest
point in my life.

I lost Zena, and
Emily sobered up.

She thinks I'm disgusting.

Well, you've heard that before.

Reiger... I had it all!

I had Zena, an adorable,
sensitive woman.

A woman with a
heart as big as a pig.

And I had Emily.

She was sensuous and exciting.

She made me do things

that I never did with
any other woman.

I don't think I
want to hear this.

Reiger! What?

I talked baby talk to her.

"Baby talk"?

What're you talkin' about?

I said... (talks baby talk)

I was right, I was
right. Reiger...

I don't want to hear this.

What?

I even said, "I wuv you."

I got nothing left, Reiger.

I can't ever get Zena back, no!

She'll never come back to me,

not after as mad as she was.

No way!

There's nothing
I can do, nothing.

Well, there's
always the obvious.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not going to give you
some trick to get Zena back.

I think she's well rid of you.

But, but you know
there's something?

I have a mind. I
have a thought, yes,

but I'm not going to tell you.

This is what's called
"just desserts," Louie.

Reiger... I gotta tell you.

I'm so sorry for what I did.

I want to die.

(crying)

I'm all alone.

It's too much.

Uh... (continues crying)

Louie. Louie, please.

Louie, would you
please... Please!

Louie. Louie!

Look, Louie.

They're probably not even
talking to each other anymore,

and Zena doesn't
know what you did.

Look, Louie, all you have
to do is go to Zena and say,

"I've given up Emily for you.

And I'm never going
to see her again."

And then you'd better promise
her that you're going to spend

the rest of your life
making up for what you did.

And you'd better mean it, Louie.

And then, maybe then,
she'll take you back.

(crying stops)

That'll work.

It's so simple.

I couldn't think of it
because I was too depressed.

But I knew if I cried
some crocodile tears,

I could get your mind
working for me, Reiger.

Excuse me.

I'm off to get my woman back.

Oh, no! No! No!

How could I let
this happen again?

I promised I
wouldn't let it happen

to me again, and it happened!

I'm such a jerk!

Alex.

What?!

The tears were real.

WOMAN: Night, Mr. Walters!

(grumbling)