05x07 - Alex the Gofer

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Taxi". Aired: September 12, 1978 – June 15, 1983.*
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This Emmy-winning sitcom follows the lives of a group of cabbies in New York.
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05x07 - Alex the Gofer

Post by bunniefuu »

(theme song playing)

MAN:
Look, you're wrong, Ned.

What we're selling is
the Broadway experience.

We want the out-of-towners
and the average man

to buy those tickets,

and those people want
to see an orchestra in the pit.

Those people don't care
where the orchestra is.

They probably don't
even know where it is.

Here, I'll show you.

Excuse me, cabbie?
Hmm?

This man's a producer,
I'm a director,

and we want
to ask you a question.

Have you ever been
to the theater?

Yeah, I think I have.

MAN
Terrific.

All right, now,

did you notice where
the music came from?

I don't mean
the singers, now,

I mean the musical
instruments.

Yeah, the musical instruments.

Like in No Strings,

where they eliminated
the violins

and put the brass and
the woodwinds right on stage,

whereas in Man of La Mancha,
they put them backstage,

separated
between the two wings.

And of course, there
was that wonderful way

that Andrei Serban

orchestrated
the instruments

and the human voices
placed within the set

in his Greek Trilogy
at the La MaMa theater.

Uh, are you an actor?

Who? Me?
Alex?

No, no, no, I'm
just a cab driver

who happens to
love the theater.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

when I was younger,
I wanted to work in the theater.

I'd have done anything
just to get my foot in the door.

You know, we're interviewing
for gofers tomorrow.

It's too bad
you're not 20 years younger.

Well, wait a minute.

I like to think a man
is never too old to be a flunky.

As a matter of fact, you know,
if the hours were flexible,

you know,
I could be...

Alex, Alex... no.

Oh, okay.

I understand.

It was worth asking anyway.

Latka?

Simka, just go home.

You shouldn't go to
work when you're sick.

Look, we cannot afford
to lose a day's pay.

And besides,
I'm not really that sick.

Well, let me just see if
you have a fever, all right?

All right.
Let me see.

You're burning up!

I am not.

That's a raging inferno!

Jim, tell me if you
think he has a fever.

Feel his...
feel his head.

Tony?

Tony... Tony,

do you think
he has a fever?

Something terrible
has just happened.

TONY & SIMKA:
What?!

I've forgotten
why I'm doing this.

He's hot.

He's hot.

You cannot work
when you're sick.

Oh... all right.

Go ask your boss for
a day off, all right?

Okay.
Louie?

Louie?!

(shouting):
Louie!

LOUIE:
Take it easy!

You're gonna cr*ck a windshield.

Louie...

...I don't
feel very well.

My wife, that I love
very much, is-is upset

because I'm risking
my health to work here.

You know, for-for
over three years,

I have not had
a-a day off

from backbreaking labor.

So, could-could I...

Could I please
have the day off?

I don't know.

Now, what are you
worried about, Latka?

This is America.

We got a thing here
called sick pay.

Oh!
Oh, good, good.

You pay me ten bucks,
you can go home.

Louie...

Never mind, Latka.

Louie!

Now we cannot
get cable.

Now, we have neglected this
long enough.

You are gonna go home.

You're gonna drink lots
of liquids.

You're gonna take aspirin

and go right to bed
with a pumpkin.

No, uh-uh.

I... I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to destroy this myth.

I used to live
on a commune,

and although

those who slept with pumpkins

did, in fact,
seem to be healthier...

...so did those that slept
with many other vegetables.

ALEX: ...not the point.
ELAINE: I don't know.

I know, I know.

All I'm saying is

that 20 years ago,
I would have k*lled

to get that
gofer's job.

20 years ago?
What about now?

Oh, please.

Tell Tony.
What?

What?
What?
Listen to this.

What?
Nothing.
ELAINE:
Tell him.

Nothing.
No, it's just that I...

I happened
to ask a Broadway producer

for a job as a gofer.

Wow! Great! When do you start?

He doesn't.
TONY:
Why not?

Because the guy told him
he was too old for the job.

And you accepted that, Alex?

(snickers)

Haven't you seen Rocky III?

No.

Are you kidding?

Rocky III may be the greatest
Rocky movie since Rocky I.

How do you tell 'em apart?

They're numbered.

I see.

And you know what the motto
of Rocky III is, Alex?

Yeah, stop me before
I make another one, please.

No, no, no, no.

It's "Go for it!"

And he could have been talking
to you, Alex.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm crazy,
but I always thought

that, uh, well, that if I had
gotten a job like that,

I mean, even a gofer's job,
20 years ago,

that maybe today I would have
been a Broadway producer.

Alex, go for it!

You know, Alex,
I don't know much

about how you move up
in that business,

but if that gofer job
could be turned into anything,

you're the man
who could make it happen.

Oh, come on. No.
TONY:
Yeah!

ELAINE:
Yes!

I mean, even if I got a job,
if I got that gofer's job--

which is no small task--
I mean, who's to say

they'd let me do anything
but go for coffee?

Alex, you're forgetting the most
important thing about you.

ALEX:
What?

You're smart.
Yeah.

You have ideas,
you have insight.

There's no way those people
aren't gonna notice that.

Alex, you try
for that job.

Alex... go for it!

Eye of the tiger.

Alex, do it!

All right,
I'm gonna go for it.

Yeah.

But I don't want anybody
to find out.

Oh, come on! Since when are you
worried about things like that?

I don't want
Louie to find out.
Oh.

Ah, so what?
So you say to Louie,

"Hey, Louie, I'm a gofer."

No, no, no, no, you
don't understand, Tony.

I mean, the truth is, I would
feel foolish saying that.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I know what you mean.
Yeah.

I mean, for some reason,

something like this
makes you feel, uh, fragile.

Yeah, yeah, so that's why

Louie's never to
find out, understand?

Yeah.
Now, I have to have
your word on this.

Hey, you have my word.
ELAINE:
You got it.

Louie must
never find out.
(door opens)

Don't say another word.

Please, don't take the fun
out of this for me.

ALEX:
Louie...

Basically, I'm a sportsman.

Louie must never
find out, eh?

(cackling)

I give myself five minutes.

I can't wait
to see which one cracks first.

I'll drive
you, Alex.
All right.

Uh, good luck,
Alex.

Thank you.

Iggy!

(laughs)
Hey, boss!

(both laughing)

Look, Iggy...
Huh?

How about if you and me,
we play a little game, huh?

All right,
all right.

Now... Now, first,

you ask me something
that you want to know...

Uh-huh.

...and I'll
answer, okay?

And then, I'll ask you
something that I want to know,

and you have to answer.

Sounds like fun, boss.

Yeah!

(both laughing)

Okay, all right.

Now, you go first.

Ask me anything.

Okeydoke.

Where is Tony taking Alex?

I guess we should start
those interviews.

Put all calls through.

Hey.

Hey, the cabbie
from last night.

Yeah, Alex Reiger.

Yeah. Hi.

So, what's up, Alex?

Did we leave something
in your cab,

or didn't this bum tip you?

Uh, no, I, uh, came
about the gofer's job.

Listen, Alex, I told you...

ALEX:
You know what's great?

I'm not at all nervous.

Because this really feels right,
so, uh, I guess that means

you're gonna give me the job,
right?

Because, otherwise,
I'd be nervous, huh?

Boy, great.

Now, I know
what you're gonna say.

Uh, you don't want to give me
the job because you're afraid

you'll feel kind of awkward
bossing around a guy

who's older than you, right?

No.

No, we like that.

Oh, I get it.

You're kidding.

(laughs)

Yeah, sort of wry?

Huh? A little playful?

Broadway hip, huh?

Tender, but tough?

(laughs)
I like him.

Let's hire
the old coot.

Hey!

Congratulations,
Alex.

Hey, thanks.

Welcome
aboard.
Thank you.

Mm-hmm. How about
some lunch?

Uh, no, thanks.
I ate before I came over.

Oh, right... yes...
lunch.

Hey, Alex.

Wow!
A polite greeting!

Never thought I'd hear
one of those again.

Oh, no, no.

You mean
it's that bad?

It's terrible.
It's terrible.

I don't think
I can take much...

I don't think
I can take much more of it.

I'm telling you
right now.

I mean, I didn't mind
getting yelled at

because the pastrami
wasn't lean enough.

I didn't mind, uh,

having to blow up
this inflatable cushion

because the producer
has a bad back.

I...
(Tony grunts)

But what really rankles me is
having great ideas

and not even be able
to say 'em out loud.

So, why haven't you?

Because it's not my place.

TONY:
Oh, man!

(Elaine clears
her throat)

Alex, nobody cares where
a really great idea comes from.

Well, the other reason
I kept quiet was

because I-I didn't have
a really great idea.

Okay, Reiger.

What?!

Come on.
What?!

Come on, what is it?

You're being so secretive,

it must be something
really embarrassing.

Now what are
you ashamed of?

I'm not ashamed.

I got a job in the theater.

Let's just leave it
at that, all right?

Wow.

I'm impressed.

I guess you'll be, uh, kissing
the old cab job goodbye, huh?

Well, no, not,
not right away, no.

Why not?

Because I, uh,
I've formed certain

attachments that are
very real to me here.

Well, good luck.

Oh, thanks.

Maybe I can come down
and visit sometime, Reiger.

Uh, no, you see, what
we're having now is,

uh, it's something
called closed rehearsals.

Maybe in the
not-too-distant future.

But right now, I gotta go,
because I'm really very late.

No, no, one more,
one more thing.

Reiger, I always knew that
you would be the first guy

to dig himself
out of this slime.

Congratulations.
Thanks, Lou.

He must have the cruddiest
job in the world!

I gotta go down
and see him do it.

Come on, Banta,
where is it?
No.

Where's he work, Nardo?
Forget it.

Nardo, where does he...

(growls)

Why are you tormenting
yourself, boss?

Because, Iggy,
I got an opportunity

to go down to some theater
and really let Reiger have it.

(growling)

But I can't find out
where it is.

You don't know, do you?

Yeah, I know.

Well, tell me, Iggy, come on!

Tell me.

Iggy, Iggy,
you gotta tell me.

This is the opportunity
of a lifetime.

I can really go down there
and let him have it.

Okay.

Great, Iggy!

I'll tell ya because...
by my telling you,

I'm giving you the chance
to turn your life around

and become a decent man.

I used to be
a reverend, boss,

and I'm betting that when
I tell you, you won't go.

I'm betting you're
about to be saved.

Alex is working at the
Ambassador Theater.

That's it!

Go celebrate
your newfound virtue!

Another sinner saved!

Hallelujah!

I don't know why this
last scene doesn't work.

I think it's the dialogue.

Didn't he say the
same thing before?

Alex, you want to do something
about that trash basket?

Can't; my hands are
busy right now.

Alex, just step in it.

Right.

ALLEN: Now, look,
if it's the writing,

we'll have Dave fix it.

Let's not bother him today.

He's got so many
rewrites to do.

Hey, can I make a suggestion?

No.
Okay.

Um, you know,
you know what I think?

I think, I think
we need another scene.

Yes, that's, yeah,
we need another scene.

We need a scene in which,

uh, Carl would, uh, come
to Michelle and say...

I don't think you
need another scene.

I think your problem
is staging here.

I mean, all those entrances
and exits, they're k*lling you.

Right?

Look, all they have to do
is go to a side set

where nobody can hear them
but they can be seen.

You know, like in
Death of a Salesman.

You remember
Death of a Salesman?

See, they don't have
to be heard there.

All they have to do is,
um, simple behavior.

You know what I mean?

Alex, I don't want
to seem rude,

but we'll save
the living theater.

You take care
of the patty melts.

Right.

Oh...

This is yours.

Oh, hey, are you busy?

What can I do for you?

Well, I need somebody to run
lines with me in this new scene.

Uh, no, no, I'm not
an actor really, I...

You don't have to act, you
just have to give me cues.

No, no, I, I, I...
You know, it starts
right over here.

I'd really, I'd really feel
kind of awkward doing this.

I just want to get
the feel of it.

Okay, all you gotta do
is read the words.

I know, but I really
can't do this.
Oh, please.

Please.

Here?

Right there.

Why are you acting
like this, Michelle?

Because... I want you.

I want you desperately.

I want you here.

I want you here;
I want you now.

And you don't think
I want you?

Not like I want you.

I dream of you.

I'm obsessed with you.

You say that now,

but why would this time
be any different?

Because, this time, my skin
cries out for your touch.

Your mouth.

Your lips.

Your chest.

(shrieks)

What are you doing?!
I...

What is with this guy?

Jeff!

Allen, we better get
over to the stage.

Yeah, Alex, Alex, I hate
to bring this up again,

but my cushion's
getting a little low.

You know, I got an idea.

Why don't we get a
pump for this thing?

Just fill it up.

Have it in my car by, uh...

Oh, boy, where's my watch?

Huh?
You know,

I bet I took my watch off
and left it on the table

and you put it in with
the rest of the garbage.

Oh...

You know, I may not have
even worn it today.

I may have just
left it home.

Alex...

you better check anyway.

(sighs heavily)

When you put the
cushion in the car,

could you get
the gas t*nk filled up

and have it washed, too?
Yeah, okay, right.

(inhales deeply)

(inhaling)

(inhaling loudly)

Louie!

How long have you been here?

Too long.

What have you seen?

Too much.

Who let you in here?

Two guys.

Goodbye, Reiger.

I will never tell anybody
about what I saw.

Tell me something, Reiger...

how could you do this
to yourself?

Reiger, do you know...

what was special about you?

Please, will you?

You knew you were nothing
and you were great at it.

But taking this job, Reiger,
it's like, it's like tampering.

The theater.

It's like trying to be
something you're not.

Hey, hey, Reiger, it's like
if you got a nose job.

I mean, you'd be
walking around

with this little nose saying,
"Hi, I'm Alex Reiger."

And everybody would say,

"That's cute, but we
want the real Reiger,

the one with the honker
down to here."

You know something, Louie,

there's something you will
never understand about this.

There is a certain
glamour and excitement

about being connected
to a Broadway show.

Alex, you're an errand boy.

Yeah?

Well, not all the time.

That's true.

Sometimes you're
a trash compactor!

Don't do this to me,
Louie, please.

I'm right on the edge
right now and I, uh,

I don't feel good
about what I'm doing

so, please, don't
ruin it for me.

You want to feel good about it?

Then leave here with the ounce
of self-respect you got left.

Take one of those sandwiches

and shove it in
that guy's face!

I'll get you one.

Ooh!

Egg salad!

Alex?

Alex, you busy?

Look who's here.

Listen, I want to talk
to you about something.

Listen, listen,
sometimes I know
I can be very distracted.

Yeah...
I know I can be very rude.

Here.
But I do listen
to what people say.

Look, I...

I think your idea's gonna work.

We're gonna try it right now.

Huh?

Why don't you come watch
it with us out front?

Yeah, okay.

Okay, and bring some coffee.

Now, if you'll
excuse me, Louie,

I'm wanted out front.

Oh, excuse me,

would you run lines
with me, please?

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)
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