05x14 - Alex's Old Buddy

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

(sighs)

Now I know what drove
Scott Fitzgerald to drink.

What's that?

A little piece of paper
that says

"You drained your soul into
the typewriter for naught."

Let me see.
Let me see.

It's from the Kenderson
Literary Agency.

"Dear Mr. Ignatowski,
although your submission

"was one of the most
interesting we've read,

"unfortunately, it does not
suit our needs at this time.

Therefore, we are returning
your M*A S*H script herewith."

Oh! Ho-ho!

You wrote
a script for M*A S*H?

I gave birth to a script
for M*A S*H--

a great script.

Well, Jim, what was it about?

A simple story.

I'm surprised they
haven't done it.

Hawkeye has to perform
surgery on Colonel Potter,

all the while being disrupted by
shelling from the North Koreans

and a Zaxalonian starship.

Oh, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Are you talking about aliens
from another planet?

Yeah, the Zaxalonians.

Their bodies
are the size of a grape.

And here is where
the switch comes in.

The queen of the Zaxalonians,

disguised as an earring,

falls in love with Klinger.

Huh?

Um...
(clears throat)

Well, how does it end?

Comedy... tragedy...

and a statement against w*r.

And a pie fight.

LOUIE:
Hey, Reiger.

Yeah.

Uh, Jeff told me
to tell you

that he was picking up
some shipment of yours

at the airport.

Oh, thanks, Lou. Hey!

I've got a surprise
for you guys.

So guess who's going to be
licking my face in 15 minutes.

Not me.

Buddy.
You got it!

All right, Buddy! Hey!
Buddy!

Oh, Alex! How come you didn't
tell us Buddy was coming?

I would have gotten him
a bone or something.

I wanted to surprise you.

JIM:
Uh...name of Buddy,

licks faces, likes bones.

Buddy Hackett?

No, no, no, not Buddy Hackett.

No, no, no, no.
Buddy's my dog.

I raised him from a puppy.

The last few years, I let
my sister take care of him.

She's got this, uh,
backyard and kids, you know,

for the dog to play with.

But, well, he's gotten old,

so I'm going
to take him back

and he's going to come and live
with me in my apartment.

You're going
to love him, too, Jim.

Yeah.
This dog's really smart.

This dog is the smartest dog
in the entire world.

(both chuckling)

Now wait, wait, wait, Alex--
Alex, I mean, the dog is smart,

but I don't think he's the
smartest dog in the whole world.

Oh, yes he is.

This dog is probably the
smartest dog that ever lived.

Now, wait a minute, Alex.

I've known a lot of
smart dogs in my time,

so when you say you've got the
smartest dog that ever lived,

I have to, I have to,
I have to call you on it.

Ah...

What does this dog do?

You point your finger at him
like a g*n, you go bang,

he rolls over and plays dead.

You must have stole
him from a circus!

Ooh, I sure hope
I don't get an assignment

before Buddy gets here.

Buddy? You mean that shipment
you're expecting is Buddy?

Yeah.
Your dog?

Yeah.
The man-eater?

What?

I thought that wretched cur

had been dead for years.

Damn it!

I slept better thinking

that that mongrel
was roasting in doggie hell.

He's vicious!

He's not vicious.
Oh, yeah?

The last time
he was here, he bit me.

You bit him first.

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.

I guarantee he's not going
to bite you again, all right?

Oh, I don't know, Alex.

Uh, they say that once a dog
has tasted slime...

(laughing)

You won't be, won't be making
funny remarks, Nardo,

when that dog's got his fangs
in your vocal cords.

Reiger, that dog had better
be in a cage and muzzled

because he is a
hound of hell.

He's a devil dog.

Oh, come on.

(Buddy whimpers)

Hey, Alex, here's your dog.

There's my Buddy.

Oh, Buddy.
There's my Buddy.

Hey.
There's my Buddy.

(smooching)

It is better
to be back with me, hmm?

(door unlocking)

Hey, Bud.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy,
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy,
Buddy, Buddy.

(whimpers)
(laughing)

How's my Buddy, huh?

Come on, Buddy, come on.

Come on, Buddy.
Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.
Get yourself up.

There you go.

How's my Buddy, huh?

You glad to see me?

Sure you are.

Have you been up to mischief
today or were you a good dog?

(baby talk):
Were you a good dog today?

(smooching)

Huh?

Aren't you going to answer me?

Aren't you going
to answer me, Buddy?

Buddy, come on.
I know you can talk.

Say, "Reiger."

Reiger.

(growling):
Reiger.

Come on, the "rrr"
and the "grr" are easy.

All you gotta do
is put an 'E' in it.

(growling):
Reiger.

You like it when I'm an idiot
to you, don't you?

I love it.

Huh? Oh.

Oh, hi, hi, Simka.
Hi...

(growls):
Reiger.

I didn't even realize
you were there.

Don't worry about
nothin', Alex.

I not going to tell
nobody about this.

If anybody finds
out about this,

it'll be because Buddy
can't keep his mouth shut.

So, uh, what brings you here?

Well, Alex, in my
country, it's a tradition

that when a friend gets a new
beast, it must be blessed.

Do I mind if I
bless your beast?

Well, no, I guess the,
uh, beast is agreeable.

(chuckles)
Sure.

Good.
Sure.

Okay, stay there.

All right.

Keps!

That's it?

If you wanted a bigger blessing,
you should've got a elephant.

(clears throat)

Now, let's see this trick.

What trick?

You know, the trick
that Elaine told me about.

You know, Alex, the greatest
trick that a dog ever did,

the one where you, you point
your finger like a g*n

and you sh**t
Buddy the Wonder Dog

and he staggers, as though
mortally wounded,

and then he spins around

as if he's dying a slow,
agonizing death

until he shudders, collapses,
breathes his last breath,

falls over on his back,

kicks all four legs
up into the air and dies.

Oh, that trick.

No, uh, I-I think
it's been exaggerated.

I mean, basically, what I do is
I point my finger at him

and he just lies down
on the floor.

All right, I'm flexible.

Well, well, you see, I, I've
been trying to get him to do it

all day, but somehow
I think he's forgotten it.

But, you know, he's an old dog.
He's 19 years old.

You know how old
that is in dog years?

Yeah, that's about 600.

It's 133.

I said "about."

(laughs)

What about this trick, Alex?

Huh?

Are you trying to
change the subject?

Okay, the trick.

Yeah!
Okay.

Come here, Buddy.
Come here.

There,
just stay right there.

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

There's a good dog.

Buddy, watch up now.

(both chuckling)

(hums "William Tell Overture")

Return with us now to the
thrilling days of yesteryear.

Look out, Buddy! There's one
on the roof behind you.

Look out!
You can't see him!

Oh! It's too late.

Bang!

Oh...
(sobs)

What's wrong?

Oh, Alex.

You got such
a stupid beast!

ALEX:
So what's the matter
with Buddy, Doc?

Uh, Alex,

a dog is like
an automobile.

No matter how well
you take care of it,

eventually, the parts
will wear out.

It breaks down.

Now, in a newer car,
it's usually just a,

just a fan belt
or a battery.

But in an older car, it's more
likely to be something major,

like the transmission.

So what's wrong
with the dog, Doc?

Is it a transmission
or do his paws need rotating?

(laughing)

Yes, that was a bad analogy.

I think I should say
that a dog is, is like a wine.

Yes, a French Burgundy,

that has its
peak years...

Doctor...

...and then,
later on...

Doctor, would you just tell
me when a dog is like a dog?

In cold, stark terms, your dog
has advanced diabetes.

His kidneys
are beginning to fail.

He has some disorders of the
intestinal tract and bladder.

I'm afraid
he hasn't much time left.

How much time does he have?

Well, I can't be sure.

Could be two weeks.
Could be a month.

(whimpers)

And as difficult as it is
for me to say this,

the logical thing to do is
to put him to sleep now.

Is he in pain?

No.

Then you're not going
to put him to sleep.

I'm going to make his
life worth living.

As long as there's
a breath left in this dog,

you're not going
to put this dog to sleep.

He's going to be
the happiest dog

that ever walked the streets
of New York City,

I'll tell you that.

And I don't want to hear any
more about putting him to sleep.

I don't want to
hear you mention

putting him to sleep.
You understand?

Now, Mr. Reiger,
you're obviously upset.

I am not upset,

so don't call me upset!

(growling)

I'm in perfect control
of my faculties.

I know exactly
what I'm doing.

I know, I know!
I did it to amuse the dog.

He happens to like humor.

You love it, Buddy?
Come on, Buddy.

You like funny stuff,
don't you?

You want another doggie candy?
Want another doggie candy?

(Buddy barks)

Okay, but first you have to lie
dead; you have to lay dead.

Come on, bang,
bang, bang.

Oh, well, what the
hell? Have one.

You like being alive,
don't you, Buddy, huh?

Don't you? Yeah.

No more till after
dinner; that's it.

Stay there.

No more of this cold dog food
straight out of the can

for you, my friend.
Uh-uh!

I'm warming it up for doggie.

And a little cheese.

A little wine.

Mmm, mmm!

Oh, it's so good.

You want to taste it?

Here, taste this.

What do you think? Hmm?

A bit more oregano?
Just what I was thinking.

(knocking at door)

Oh, look who's here.
It's Shawn.

Hi, Alex.
Hi, Shawn.

Shawn, I don't think you
ever met my dog Buddy.

Buddy, this is Shawn.

She's going to be
around a lot more.

I hope, I hope, I hope,
I hope, I hope.

How about a kiss?

Sure, he likes people.

Hey!
Nah.

Hey, come on.
Let me take your coat.

And, uh, I'll put a record on.

Ah!

Ooh, this smells delicious.

I didn't know you cooked.

That stuff on the stove is,
uh, dog food.

Don't be modest.
This is excellent.

No, really, it's dog food.
It's for my dog.

It's my... Oh, no.

It-it-it's...
That's for my dog.

Oh, come on, Alex,
there's wine in here and...

No, no, really.

It's been heated
and seasoned.

No, really, it... This
is the main ingredient.

Dog food.

Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on,
you liked it a minute ago.

And, besides, there's
nothing disgusting in here.

Just read it.
Look, here.

Fish by-products,
artificial caramel coloring

and pork organs.

Oh, my...

God.

Nobody should eat
that stuff. Eh...

No more of that stuff
for you, my doggie.

No sirree, Bob!

From now on, it's prime rib
and Chateaubriand and...

Alex!
Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh...

(chuckles)

You see, my-my dog
is a very old dog.

He's, uh... He hasn't
got much time left.

He's probably got about
two weeks to a month

and I just want
to make him happy.

That's why your apartment
looks like

a testing lab
for Hartz Mountain.

Oh, hey, come on.

Just because I'm trying
to make him happy

doesn't mean I can't
make you happy.

(chuckles)
Come on, sit down.

Sit down.

(growls)

Oh, you look great.
You look great.

Mmm...

(whimpers)

(smooches)

(laughs)

Hey, I bet you there's a great
old movie on the tube tonight.

Why can't we just
go out to a movie?

Oh, no, no, no, I can't.
I can't leave him alone.

He's got a weak bladder.

You know, uh, Alex, we'd only
be gone a couple of hours.

He couldn't possibly
do that much.

Oh, yes, he could.

Sometimes, when I come home,
there's a rainbow in here.

Okay, okay, we
can watch TV.

Oh, goody, goody, goody.
Did you hear that?

We're going
to watch TV tonight, dog.

(smooching, laughing)

Ah, is there any particular
show that Buddy likes?

Uh, yeah, actually he likes
the Letterman show,

but he complains
about too many commercials.

(Buddy whimpers)

You know, Alex,

I'm sorry I was a little
upset earlier, but, uh,

I got to tell you,
eating dog food

isn't exactly a great way
to start an evening.

Hey, these are great!

Huh? Oh, no, uh...

Yeah, that's-that's
what I've been told.

You haven't tasted them?

No, I-I...
Come on, try one.

No, I-I...

Come on. For me?

(chuckling anxiously)

No, I-I don't
really like them.

I...
Come on, Alex.

Ah, nah... Oh.

(chuckling)

Have another.
Whoo.

No, no...

(Buddy whimpers)

I'm sorry. You can't
have any of these, Buddy.

These are people food.

Oh, hi, how's Buddy?

Well, look for yourself.
He's a new dog.

See how frisky he is?
Frisk, frisk, frisk, frisk.

(chuckles)

What's that dog doing here
again, Reiger?

Uh, look, Louie, uh...

When I'm driving around
in the cab all day,

well, that's eight hours
that I'm not with him,

so, uh, I want to take him
in the cab with me, okay?

Forget it.

Look, I got a suggestion.
You wanna hear it?

Yeah.

Why don't you take him in
for a sh*t

of "go to sleep, my doggie"?

Oh, no.
Louie, no.

ELAINE:
Louie...

Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

What about Marino?
Remember him?

You let him take his dog
in the cab.

That was different.

It was a Seeing Eye dog.

Marino was blind?!

Legally blind.

He could still sort of see.

The dog barked at red lights.

It was during the strike.

I tried it out for a week.
It didn't work.

Well, if you can't
bend the rules a little,

I'll just have
to take a leave of absence.

Come on, Alex.
No, Alex.

What're you going to do,
start missing paychecks

for the dog now?

I don't care!
I made a promise to Buddy

and I'm going to keep it.

Alex, look, it's perfectly
all right that, you know,

you want him to live out his
natural life and everything,

I mean, and it's wonderful
that you want him to be happy,

but don't you think you're
getting a little excessive?

You're saying I should
put this dog to sleep?

No!
No, we love Buddy.

Why not?

Look, the dog is senile, Reiger.

I mean, look at him.

His brain has turned to Alpo.

LOUIE:
Reiger,

look, maybe you don't want to
face the truth about Buddy,

but look, look, that dog
doesn't even know where he is.

How do you know that?

How does anyone know that?

How can anyone say when to...
when you put a dog to sleep?

How can anyone say
if the dog is alert or not?

There's no way to find out
what's in that head right now.

Except one.
Except one!

What? What?

Have Buddy do that trick.

Very interesting idea.

Let's see him do the trick.

Okay, he'll do the trick.

Alex, you know he couldn't...
No. Come on.

No, he'll do the trick.

If he doesn't do it,

I'll walk out of here
right now with the dog.

But if he does it, he
goes with me in my cab.

And what's more,
I'll let him drive.

I know you can do it.

(whimpers)

(hums "William Tell Overture")

Return with us now to the
thrilling days of yesteryear.

That's five aces
you got there, partner.

You know what we do to cheats
in Dodge City, don't you?

(whimpers)

Up.

You... Bang!

All right! Yes!
Yay, Buddy!

ELAINE: That's the best...
TONY: All right, Alex.

He did it.

Dog did it.

(whimpers)

That is the best
dog trick ever.

I've never seen
anything so convincing.

Uh-oh.

Buddy? Buddy!

Buddy? Buddy.

Good dog.
(whimpers)

Oh! Oh, Buddy!

(laughing)

You did it!
You did it!

(smooches, laughs)

I'll be taking
cab 134, Lou.

See you guys after
the shift for a beer.

Come on, Buddy,
we'll split the tips.

What are you doing
back here?

You still got four hours
left on your shift.

Yeah, well,
I'm quitting early.

You're quitting early?!

You know, Reiger,
ever since I let you

take that mutt in the cab,

you been breaking rules
right and left.

Where is the old fleabag?

He d*ed.

He d*ed?

You mean he
d*ed in the cab?

No, Louie,
he d*ed at the vet's.

He was asleep
in the cab and, uh...

I stopped off to get myself
a cup of coffee

and, uh, him a donut...

And when he woke up,
he didn't look too good,

so I rushed him over
to the vet's.

And he d*ed?

Yeah.

Oh. God.

Oh...

I don't know
what to say.

I don't know
what to do.

I'm so awkward in
these situations.

Um, uh, Reiger's
got to be alone!

Every-Everybody,
out of here.

Come on, come on, let's
show a little sensitivity.

Get your butts
out of here!

Come on. Come on.

Come on, come on.
Go on, go on, go on.

Let me buy you a
cup of coffee.

I have a cup of coffee.

Well, let me give you
the quarter back.

I don't want your quarter.

Let-Let me buy you
another cup of coffee.

Louie, please.

I'm a big boy.

It wasn't like he
was a human being.

He was a dog; just a dog.
And the dog d*ed.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll go call them and
get them back in here.

(sniffles, cries)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)