05x18 - Alex Gets b*rned by an Old Flame

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

ALEX:
Okay, count of three.

One, two, three!

Come on, Tony!

(cheering)

Down! Down!

(cheering)

The new champ, that's right!

Now, fork over
that championship belt.

Right now, hand it over.

I lost it.

You lost it?

Then give me your belt.

My belt?
What are you talking about?

Don't be no sore loser.

Fork it over.

I did it! I did it!

Thank you.
Hey, uh, nice sport.

(laughing)

Look at you!
Oh, come on.

You're not going
to really wear that, are you?

Yeah, I'll have it shortened.

What's left, I'll use
to cover my steering wheel.

Are you kidding, man?

I'm proud of this thing.

I had to b*at
everybody in the garage.

Oh, well,
you didn't b*at me.

Well, no, he's ducking you.

Oh, I bet.

Well, come on, Elaine.
I want to be fair.

No!

Come on, uh,
you can use two hands.

No.

Come on.
I-I-I'll start from here.

Tony...

Well, what are you,
all talk?

Yeah, all talk?

You're on!

ALEX:
Uh-oh. Oh, I don't
believe this.

Yeah. One more match.

Oh, come on. You're not going
to really do this.

Here's the belt.

Well, oh, wait,
can I stand up?

Sure.

All right.
Stand up?

Alex, this is a girl.

I'm going to tear her arms off.

(chuckles)

Well, okay.
Just don't break a nail.

Let's go. Two hands,
you heard him.

I'm going to count to three.
Okay.

Ready?
Piece of cake.

One, two, three!

(cheering)

Come on.
You can do it.

Alex.
ALEX:
Come on, Elaine!

Push!
Alex.

Come on, Elaine!
Harder! Harder!

(cheering)

All right! I'm the undisputed
champ of the garage!

No, no, it wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair, Elaine.

Oh, good,
I'm the disputed

champ of the garage.
(cheering)

Nah, nah-nah,
nah-nah, nah.

This isn't funny, Elaine.
Aww...

Losing never is, kid.

Whoa!

Yay!

Alex, you know that
wasn't fair, Alex.

No, it wasn't fair.

But then again,
life seldom is.

(Louie laughs)

And the most unfair part
is about to walk in.

Banta!
(groans)

Nardo told me what happened.

Look, don't feel bad
about losing the championship.

The most important thing
is she didn't hurt you.

Did she?

No, but she used two hands.

I was tired. I had...
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

She might hear you.

If you rile her,
she could take you apart.

Look.

I, I know what I'll do
to cheer you up, Banta.

I'll give you cab 714.

It's got power steering.

(thuds)
Ooh!

Muscle, too, he's got...

A woman b*at him.
(laughs)

(groans)

Come on. It's funny.

Not funny.

You have to have a sense
of humor about these things.

One of the most important things
in this life...

just walked into the garage.

Tony, you want a coffee?
Nah.

I'll get you one.

(tapping)

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Oh, hello.

Excuse me.
Can you help me?

I'll die trying.

I'm looking for a cabbie.

Why settle for a cabbie
when you can have the top dog?

Are you the top dog?

Woof, woof.

I'll settle for a cabbie.

All right, that would be me.
I'm a cabbie.

Hi, uh, uh...
Can I help you?

Uh, what would you like?
(Louie grunts)

Uh, to get as far away
from him as possible.

I'll join you.

Want some coffee?
Sure.

Oh, uh, I'm Alex Rieger.

Diane McKenna.
Nice to see you.

So, uh, what brings you

to this private,
little hell of ours?

Well, do you know
Jim Ignatowski?

Jim Ignatow--
sure, I do.

Oh, good.

Well, I'm an old friend of his.

Of course,
I haven't seen him

since we lived on the same
commune in the '60s.

You lived on
a commune? You?

Yeah.

Of course, a lot of people
find that hard to believe.

I guess they can't picture me
frolicking naked

through the alfalfa sprouts.

I can.

I've been doing it
ever since you walked in here.

I guess we're not as
far away as possible.

I bet you they
never had anything

like Louie on that commune.

Oh, no, but, uh,
when we first got there,

we did find
something similar

living in the barn.

(chuckles):
I know what you mean.

(grumbles)

That's cute,
that's real cute.

(Alex laughing)

Wait a minute.

I haven't seen one of you
for 13 years.

Jim!

It must be her.

Oh, Jim...

You haven't changed a bit.

Diane McKenna.

I'm mad at you.

What are you talking about?

You were supposed
to meet me at Woodstock

13 years ago,
but you never showed up.

I was beginning to worry.

Woodstock?

Jim, don't you remember?

Just before you left
for the concert,

you gave me that speech
that convinced me

to give up our way of life
and go back to school.

I did?

Yeah. You told me
I didn't fit in and...

that I never would.

No, no, I was talking
about the Volkswagen.

We already had 12 people.

I assumed you'd
find another ride.

Well, maybe you were
talking about the Volkswagen

at that particular moment,
but you always did tell me

I should go
to law school.

Yeah, but after the concert.

How did you do
in law school?

Well, I graduated
from Stanford,

third in my class.

Well, you always
were lazy.

Jim, uh, can I take you
someplace

where I can buy you a drink?

Oh, sure.

Uh, how about a bar?

Bye, Alex.
Nice meeting you.

Yeah, you, too.

How do you like that?

Beauty and the Bean Brain.

Hey, Alex?

You really liked her,
didn't you?
Huh?

Yeah, I thought she was, uh,
pretty attractive.

I mean, I'm not going to,
uh, you know,

go crazy
over a chance encounter.

I mean, I'm just
going to take it

one step at a time
and see what happens.

And now, if
you'll excuse me,

I'm going to have her name
tattooed on my face.

(burps)

(humming)

Will you knock it off?

You know, you're sick.
You're really sick.

Sick.

What are you
doing now?

I'm giving you
the belt back.

Yeah, well, I ain't
taking it back.

Not without a rematch.

You're on.

You got it.
(laughs)

You know, wait, Tony,
you know, if you b*at me,

I mean, all you've done
is beaten a woman and nobody

around this garage is going
to put you on their shoulders.

Yeah, yeah, but I'm going
to give you

the same advantage I gave you
last time, see, Elaine?

I'm going to start from here.

You can use two hands
and you can stand up.

Okay, it's a big advantage.

Ah-ah, all right, I still don't
think I can b*at you.

But just on the outside chance
that I can--

(chuckles) you are never
going to live it down.
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, let me tell
you something.

I ain't losing this time,
What? What?

'cause last time I was tired.
Oh.

You're dead meat.
Get over here.
Ooh.

You know, you do look a little
tired today, too, Tony.

Okay, on three.

One.
Well, you know what, uh, uh...

I had, like, a rough night
last night.

I didn't get much sleep.

Oh... Two.

And I skipped lunch.

Three.
Keep, keep the belt.

(chuckles)

(muttering)

Hey, Tony? Tony?

Jim in yet?

Alex, that's the third time
you asked me that. No.

I know. I'm sorry
I'm so impatient.

I just wanted to get
Diane's number from him.

Welcome to today's episode
of As The Loser Turns.

The daily drama

that chronicles
the sad and frustrating

sex life of our lonely hero,
Alex Rieger.

Will you knock it off?!

Alex's nerves are frayed

after a sleepless night
of torment and lust

over a woman who wants him
as much as she wants ringworm.

Jim, Jim. Uh...

I want to tell
you something.

Huh?

You remember when that girl
Diane walked in here yesterday?

You know...
(chuckles)

I had this feeling
of electricity

just run through
me, you know?

Electricity, huh?
Yeah.

And I-I-I didn't know
how to deal with it.

Uh... Have you tried
fabric softener?

Jim, Jim...
I, um...

I just... I just want to
get to know her better.

Oh, you should.

Yeah, she's a wonderful girl.

Yeah, I...
I think so.

I'll call her and set it up.

No, no, just give me
her number. I'll call.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. My treat.

No, come on, Jim. I
couldn't ask you to do that.

I really should.

No, not another word.

Incidentally,
I have a simple device

for memorizing phone numbers.

I assign each digit a letter

and make an easy-to-remember
word out of it.

For instance,
her number is "fblwrkz."

Hello, Diane.

Uh, are you, uh, free
for dinner tonight?

Oh, good.

How does burgers
and beer sound?

No, no, no, no.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Huh?

Uh, something intimate
and romantic.

A fine French meal.

Uh-huh. How does
a, uh, fine French meal sound?

Oh, great.

Chez Robert. 8:00.

Chez Robert. 8:00.

Can't wait to see you.
Bye, Diane.

Wait, Jim!

Oh, wait, Diane!

What about me?

What about you?

Jim, I thought
this whole thing was

for me to have dinner
with Diane.

Uh, Diane, do you mind
if Alex comes along?

No...

You're set.
Thanks.

Au revoir.

Well, Alex,
you got your wish.

An intimate,
romantic dinner for three.

Yeah, thanks, Jim.

You owe me one.

Well, at least
I'm having dinner with her.

Hey, at least
it's a start, right?

Will our lonely, frustrated
hero, Alex Reiger,

make a fool of himself
at the Chez Ptomaine restaurant?

Will he get lucky
with the lady lawyer

or will he wind up

with her heel
in his eye?

Tune in tomorrow
when we'll hear Reiger say...

How would you like me
to shove that microphone

right down your throat?

All that and more

on tomorrow's episode
of As The Loser Turns.

(electronic beeping)

I mean, there's nothing worse
than putting all that effort

into a case and then losing.

Yeah, I can imagine.

And sometimes my clients
blame me for their convictions.

Excusezmoi, monsieur,

but the other customers are
complaining about the noise.

Uh, no problem.
I'll turn it down.

No, no, no, it's not
the noise of the game, monsieur.

It's the "yahoos,"
the "yipees," and the "gotchas."

Oh. I'll turn down
my volume, too.

Merci.

Classy place.

You were, uh...
You were saying

that, uh, your clients blame
you when they're convicted.

Oh, yes.

Yes, in fact, one guy
even stood up and said,

"I'm gonna get you if
it's the last thing I do."

No kidding?

What happened?
He got me.

He did?

He wasn't a m*rder*r.

He was a flasher.

(chuckling):
Oh.

(whispering):
Yahoo! Yippee! Gottcha!

What happened?

I zapped a Martian mushball.

You know, you know, I was always
fascinated by the law.

Oh.

Yeah, I mean, you get to save
people's lives, you know?

The only thing I ever do
for my fellow man

is get him
to the airport on time.

But I have had some,
uh, very interesting

experiences as a cab driver.

I mean, you have to have
interesting experiences

as a cab driver.
(laughs)

You know, there are some, uh,

strange, bizarre
characters in the city.

Yeah, that's why
I keep my door locked.

You know, just the other day...

Just the other day,
this guy gets in my cab...

Uh, no, wait a minute,
that's not interesting.

Um, no.

Oh, yeah, there was this woman,

she gets in the cab
and she tries...

No, no, that wasn't good.

Um, oh, got it! Got it.

There was this couple.

They flagged me down.
No, wait a minute.

That didn't happen to me.

Uh, don't worry.
I'll think of one.

Excuse me, Alex.

Where is the ladies' room?

To the right
of the pay phone.

Will you excuse me?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, I remember one.

I'll be back.
It'll keep.

You like Diane,
don't you, Alex?

Yeah, I do.
I really do.

Hey, listen, Jim,
um, you know,

when I said that I wanted
to get to know Diane better,

I was, uh, hoping for an evening
with just the two of us.

Well, it's not too late, Alex.

I'll send her home.

I was talking
about just her and me.

Oh. You should get
to know each other.

Yeah.

I want you two
to be friends.

Thanks, Jim.
I'll leave.

No, no, no. You can't
leave now. It'll...

Not in the middle of dinner.
It'll be awkward.

It won't be awkward.

Just tell her I'm sick.

No, no, no. That would
sound a little phony.

I mean, I don't think
she'd believe that.

She'll believe it if she asks
any of these folks here.

Huh?

Oh!
Jim!

Oh, oh, my stomach!
Jim.

My guts are going
to explode. Oh!

Jim. Jim, please.

What's in the veal?

Oh, I'm going home!

I've got a stomach pump there.

Everything's fine.

Uh, believe me,
everything is fine.

Oh.

Where's Jim?

Uh, he left.
He wanted us to be alone.

He-He made believe
he was sick.

I mean, you should
have seen that one.

No.
He did everything

but make his head revolve
and spit up pea soup.

I don't understand.

Don't try to understand it.

I mean, on the Ignatowski scale
of weird, it was just a three.

Please.

He's all right, he's all right.

I mean, all the guys
down at the garage think,

you know, he's wonderful.

We all think
he's adorable.

Because what he lacks up here,
he's got right here.

But listen, you know,
I have to admit I'm, uh...

I'm really glad
he's not here right now.

What do you mean,
"What he lacks up here?"

Well, you know,
he's-he's a flake.

He's kind of spacey.
I mean, uh...

Oh.

His porch light has been
flickering for years,

if you know what I mean.

But let's not
talk about Jim.

Listen, Diane, uh, you know,
I've known a lot of women,

but, uh, I think
you're kind of special.

I mean, you're bright,
you're beautiful.

I got a...
I-I really have to, uh...

You know, when you walked
into that garage,

I must tell you...

Uh, Alex. Uh,
before you go on,

I must tell you something.

I am involved with someone.

Oh, how involved?

Emotionally
and physically involved.

Oh.

Anyone I know?
(chuckles)

Yes.

The, uh, flake with
the flickering porch light?

Jim?

Will there be anything else,
monsieur?

Yes, I'd like a small glass
of poison, please.

Anything for you?

(doorbell ringing repeatedly)

Yeah, yeah.
I said, "Wait a minute."

(ringing continues)

Who is it?

JIM:
The flake!

Remember me,
the weirdo?

Huh.

The-The man with the
flickering porch lights.

The man you call spacey.

I made a mistake.
I made a mistake.

I'll explain it all tomorrow

and you'll see that maybe if you
told me about you and Diane...

I don't want
an explanation.

It doesn't matter why
you said those things.

All I know is
that you said them

and that means
you don't love me.

Oh, Jim, it's very late.

Admit, Alex.
You don't love me, do you?

Jim, I don't know if I love
anybody at 3:00 in the morning.

Look, I'm not going to baby you.

Sometimes I like you, and
sometimes you get on my nerves.

I know that I like you,

but I don't know
if I love you right now.

Well, I know.

You don't love me or you
wouldn't call me a flake.

But you are a flake.

And all I mean by that is
you've done some strange things.

Name one!

Huh?

You lived in a condemned
building for four years.

You're confusing flakiness
with style.

You b*rned down
Louie's apartment.

It was an accident.

I left something
on the stove for too long.

Yeah, a beanbag chair.

And you kept a broken-down
racehorse in your own apartment.

That horse had a name.

I know. Gary.

And you let him sleep
in your bedroom.

Well, not everybody
has a guest room, Alex.

Jim! Jim!

You hung on the wall in a
radiation suit for three days,

thinking it was a sleeping bag.

I did?

Yeah.

Ha!

Oh, my...

Ha! Boy, I'm a lunatic!

Do you remember
cutting up your own van?

What did I do with it?

You made a sculpture out of it.
That's what you did with it.

(laughing)
Oh, no!

Oh, my!

You know what my favorite
one of all time was?

Uh, no, but I
wish I did.

It wasn't something you did,
it was something you said.

I mean, it wasn't just funny,
it was quotable.

It was so priceless,
I repeated it to everybody.

You told me that if you
could be anybody in the world,

you'd still be yourself,

so you wouldn't have
to buy new clothes.

(laughing)

(sighs)

You remember that?

Yeah.

You quote me?

Yeah.

You remember little
things about me

that I don't even
remember, myself.

Well...

You think I'm a flake,

but you love me.

My God, I think I do.

Well, I'm glad
that's settled.

Yeah.

I better go back to Diane.

She thinks I'm in the bathroom,
brushing my teeth.

Good night.
Good night.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)