01x10 - Marathon-Thon-Thon-Thon-Thon

[bunniefuu]

Good luck escaping that, you creep!

Gurgs, what's going on?

Well, I was went into
the judge's chambers

to do my primal-scream therapy

when I saw a guy with a Kn*fe,

and I did an an actual scream,
which wasn't therapeutic at all.

Oh, God. Was it the foot perv

who's always asking people
their shoe size

or the guy who sells the olives?

Well, just know that if it's the guy

who eats soup with a fork, watch out...

he's pretty good with that thing.

No, it was a brand-new creep.

What are you guys doing standing around?

Gurgs, book these people for loitering.

Just kidding. Please hang out.

Judge, your chambers have been
closed for security reasons.

Behind these doors is a mad man,
and not a hot Jon Hamm one.

Please let me out!

I'm claustrophobic and agoraphobic,

which means I'm seldom okay!

Oh, my gosh, I recognize that voice.

That's my fiancé, Rand.

Hi. So nice to finally meet you all.

I... I brought cake and a
big bag of olives

I got from the nice man
in the men's room.

I can't believe you're finally here!

Told you guys he was real.

Rand! It's so great to meet you.

It's either him or he's got
a top-notch mask guy.

[♪]

Not the first time I've been
accused of wearing a mask.

Most Halloweens, people think
I'm going as John Ritter.

So this is the famous fiancé.

What brings you to New York, "Rand"?

It's a funny story, actually.

I decided to run the marathon,

so I called Rand
to ask him to come down here.

and just as I was dialing,
the phone dinged,

and it was Rand saying the same thing!

So your story is about how phones work.

Well, now I'm here all week to
help Abby get marathon-ready.

You know, keep her hydrated,
cheer her on,

find clean versions
of DMX songs to blast.

Which are really just audio recordings

of a grown man barking.

- You know, help her train.
- To run?

Something we've all done
since we were children?

Is the deal still
you try to move your legs fast?

Yeah, but for miles.

You know, Rand and I have run
some marathons back home.

Upstate, they let horses run it, too.

Which I know doesn't seem fair,
but it kept us motivated.

If you ever run one, you'll see.

Oh, I'm running the marathon.

Yeah, that obnoxious
day-court prosecutor,

Nina, is running,
so obviously I have to.

Olivia, this is so cool.

Maybe we could run together.

You know, having a partner
makes the time go faster.

Mm, I don't think so. I run alone.

I'm a lone wolf.

Wolves run in packs. I should know...

Upstate, wolves run
in the marathons, too.

Keeps the horses motivated.

Okay, sweetheart, I'm gonna
get good seats in the gallery.

I like to sit in the second row.

It's like the movies. Front row?

Nobody needs to be that close
to Nicole Kidman's face.

So, Dan, what'd you...
what'd you think of Rand?

- Seems fine.
- Fine?

Oh, my God, you love him!

[♪]

Gurgs, thank you very much for
your help with that defendant.

What is it about cocaine

that makes people want to dance with me?

Well, they always want
to dance with you.

It's just the cocaine
gives them the courage to ask.

- Yeah.
- Uh, the Dan Fielding Goodbye...

be rude until someone leaves.

Must be losing my touch...
you're still here.

Ah! What, are you guys finally
putting in the cup holders?

About time somebody read
the suggestion box.

No, I'm just measuring
the bench before we move it.

Wait a minute. You're moving my bench?

Not your bench,
it's Judge Sorenson's bench.

Sorenson? That monster d*ed years ago.

His bench is in hell!

His family is building him a museum...

the real family, not the secret one.

No museum is getting this bench.

There are so few people or things

that I like in this courthouse.

I'm not gonna live in a world
where the bench gets taken away

and Neil can stay!

Oh, Dan Fielding, you actually
care about something.

Well, if it means that much
to you, I will make it

my life's mission to make sure
that this bench stays right...

Really?

I was in the middle of saying
I was gonna help you!

Oh, sorry! No, sorry, sorry.

Just... Reflex. But you know what?

In my defense,
you could have said that faster.

[♪]

It was nice to finally
meet your friends.

I think Gurgs is your Kramer.

And Dan is my "Mare of Easttown."

I really get all of them.

I'm just having a bit of a hard time

connecting with Olivia.

Oh, Olivia, the woman I saw hanging out

at the bottom of the stairs,
waiting for people to fall?

You just need to something
outside of work.

Maybe the marathon.

- You could bond over that.
- I don't know.

She doesn't seem super interested.

But with Olivia, I'm sticking
with playing the long game.

Because she has a crush on Justin Long.

The move is that I make friends
with him first and...

Trust me.
You don't have to try that hard.

We'll win her over.

I'm amazing at helping people
become friends.

I'm like human Facebook,
except I don't lie to moms.

Remember how everyone wanted Mitch

to be on their trivia team,
but I got him?

Yeah, he was the greatest addition

to A Tribe Called Questions.

But don't worry...
I'm gonna totally figure

this thing out with Olivia on my own.

Okay. I won't get involved.

Rand, you're holding my hand.

I felt you cross your fingers.

[♪]

Hey, Olivia.

So I have two tickets for
Justin Long's one-man show.

It's a re-imagining of
the Eugene O'Neil classic,

"Justin Long's Long Day's
Justin into Night."

All the blogs say
there's no nudity, so I'm good.

Hey, Abs,

I got your green juice
and mashed-potato smoothie.

And since I know you and Olivia
share a common interest,

got one for you, too.

The straw is extra wide so you
can suck down them chunks.

That's very thoughtful. And unnecessary.

I know what you're doing.
It's not the time.

Oh, I checked my watch,
and it is friend o'clock.

Sweetheart, someone stole my watch.

Hey, Olivia, uh, looks like
you left a file up here.

I'm a-comin'.

You okay?

I may have gone for a test run
this morning,

and my legs may be a little sore.

See? This is why you need the smoothie.

Classic potassium deficiency. Po-tatos.

Po-tassium. Coincidence?

Yeah.

It's fine. It's a perfectly
legitimate way to get around.

Okay. Maybe I need to drink some chunks.

[♪]

I can't believe it.

I'm about to do a non-work
activity with Olivia.

Can you tell I'm excited?

Am... Am I too excited? Okay.

What if I just make my face
be calm like this?

Relax. This is gonna be great.

Lucky for you, I came here
to chew gum and make friends.

And I can't chew gum ever since
that giraffe kicked me

in the face and my doctor said

my teeth could fall out at any minute.

All right, let's get me
in fighting shape.

What do we do, like, drink
some raw eggs or something?

Well, we start each session
with some breathing exercises.

Come on.

Think of your belly as a balloon.

[BREATHING SHARPLY]

How am I gonna b*at Nina
with belly balloons

when she's doing that?

She's been in a full
Tom Cruise run for over an hour.

This helps with our breath control.

Did you know that the first guy
who ran a marathon d*ed?

You know what he d*ed from?

- Not breathing.
- Oh, great.

- Now she's upping the incline.
- [BEEPING]

It's like she's running up a wall.

[♪]

Bert's the head of maintenance,
so if anyone has the power

to keep that bench
where it is, she does.

- Let me do all the talking.
- Gurgs, Gurgs, Gurgs, please.

A situation with stakes this high

calls for a certain eloquence
and a delicate touch.

Leave it to me.

Mop or shovel?

Crap or puke?

She's all yours.

Hey, there, Bert!

We just wanted to stop by
and compliment you

on how shiny the cafeteria
floors have been lately.

Are you mocking me?

The day janitor
does the cafeteria floors.

He gets a fancy new buffer.

And you know what I get?

A wet rat on a stick.

Tell you what. Let's just
cut out the sweet talk.

I hear you have the power
to save my bench.

In exchange for your help,

I'm willing to give you
my attorney services.

Now, I can imagine that someone like you

has some unresolved legal issues,

like, for instance, say, uh,
an unregistered, exotic animal.

I do have a tub gator that
my neighbors complain about.

Of course they do.

They miss their cats.

Now, we can make that go away
as long as my bench doesn't.

I get attached
to inanimate objects, too.

I mean, I'm not one of those weirdos

who marries a boat or anything.

Unless, um, do you know
any single boats?

- Wha...
- Not right now,

but boats' girlfriends
always having accidents.

You got a deal. I'll save your bench.

Oh, thank you.
And as we say in Louisiana,

"Laissez les bons temps rouler," huh?

Did you just talk Louisiana at me?

They eat alligators in Louisiana!

You want to eat my sweet Todd!

You're never getting that bench, man!

Oh, come on!

You know what? Now I'm really
hungry for alligator.

[♪]

Mr. Martin, you were caught

in the possession
of performance-enhancing dr*gs,

and "what they did to my downstairs

should be punishment enough"
is not an acceptable defense.

I have before-and-after
pictures, Your Honor.

Oh, I specifically told you
not to bring those.

I looked in the folder.

I saw them, and now I can't unsee them.

$ fine.

Take a breather, Neil.
Get yourself an apple juice.

Don't worry about your bench, Dan.

I got my best guy keeping eyes on it.

Is your best guy
a weirder-looking Al Yankovic?

Yeah, Sandy. How'd you know?

Oh, 'cause he's standing
next to you holding a wrench,

not watching a bench.

You need to get your ears checked.

Now, those pills you were caught with,

could they make me run faster?

And is rage really a side effect?

Because I could stand to be
a little angrier.

Olivia, this isn't part of our training.

No offense to you. You look great.

Your arms look like my legs.

- What are you doing?
- I'm done with Abby's training.

I need to find something
that gets results.

Y... You can't quit.
It's really important to Abby...

that you hang in there.

She's about to take training
to a whole nother level.

You know, she starts out slow,
but then she enters

a new mode, a... a... a beast mode.

The woman who apologizes to her gavel

when she bangs it too hard?

Yeah, that's just the surface,
but under that surface,

she's a maniac,
ready to snap at any minute.

- That actually makes sense.
- Yeah.

You know she has zero
unread e-mails in her inbox?

That's a person with
real darkness inside them.

See you at the gym, Your Honor.

- Looking forward to beast mode.
- Totally.

What is she talking about?

I'd tell you, but I... I don't
want you to enter beast mode.

[♪]

According to Merriam-Webster,
"Beast Mode" refers

to the "aggressive, animalistic persona

that one might assume
when in competition."

Okay. But just so you know,
quoting the dictionary is, like,

the least beast mode thing you can do.

I mean, is this really necessary?

She wanted to do steroids.

Well, that's not good for her.

Or her downstairs.

Ab, this is gonna work.

Because it's what she wants.

It's like when we won Mitch over
to our trivia team,

by giving him what he wanted...

me buying a bunch of those
huge yarn dolls he makes.

My mom still has a bunch of them.

She's throwing them out,
but they keep coming back.

But beast mode? It's just not who I am.

Oh, really?
You were a beast in law school.

Now look at you.

You're one of the youngest
judges to ever sit

on the bench in New York.

And you binged all of
"Riverdale" in one day...

without me, I might add!

I can't pause to tell you what
young people are saying, Rand!

Yeah, maybe I can do it.

Hey, Neil, drop and give me !

I don't want to go down there.
It was mopped with a rat.

[♪]

[SNORES] Oh! Oh!

Ooh!

Sanford Day O'Connor,
you let me fall asleep!

And now Dan's bench is gone!

Why'd you have to sing
those beautiful lullabies?

- Hey, Gurgs!
- Dan, I'm so sorry,

but God blessed Sandy
with a beautiful gift.

♪ Lullaby ♪

I don't know why you're doing that. Shh!

All right, I gotta show you something.

Huh? Timo and Carol's hook-up closet?

No, everyone knows that's where
they got to make out and vape.

Not today.

I hid it in here while you guys
were sleeping.

Now all we have to do is take it
down the freight elevator,

which should be easy... and poetic,

'cause that was
Sorenson's emergency exit

in case his secret family
ever showed up.

What's this? "DTF / ."

Oh, well, yeah, everybody's DTF
at the start of spring.

- No.
- Wait, there's no "T."

So what's "DF"?

Dan Fielding, all right?

I carved it in there when I won
my first case in court.

Ooh! Ooh! Someone's coming! Oh!

[IRISH ACCENT]
Top of the mornin' to you!

What brings you here?

Cockroach party
in the freight elevator again.

That's why I brought my stomping cleats.

What are you two doing?

We were gonna just go
in the closet and vape.

But you caught us, so thank you
for saving us from ourselves.

Gurgs, come on.

Let's go make some healthy decisions.

[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah.

Keep it up! Go! It's gonna be worth it!

Drink up, drink up, drink up, drink up!

Hey, um, what are you doing?

Uh, I'm handing out water
at the marathon,

so I'm practicing.

You should sign up!

We could always use more H- -bros.

Give it a try.

Rand, I don't think I need
to practice handing out water.

- [COUGHS]
- Can I please take a water break?

Water's for losers!

And plants and animals
and all living things!

Go get some water!

- Hey, buttercup.
- What do you want, maggot?!

So sorry, Rand. Why are you all wet?

Turns out Neil is really bad
with the water.

But it looks like this is going well.

"Well"? Wells are for wishes, Rand.

I'm about results.

You're scaring me a little bit.

Okay. So, first, I was being too nice,

and now I'm not being nice enough?

Wha... Make up your mind, skinny boy!

All right. Enough with
the proper hydration.

- We're moving on to weights.
- Do weights help with running?

They seem to help
with running your mouth!

Start with this one.

- Ab, that's a lot of weight.
- For your mom, maybe!

[GRUNTING]

Beast mode!

[♪]

[♪]

Well, um, look, I didn't want
to have to do this,

but I've run out of options.

I need you to use your judicial powers

to declare a piece of furniture
my emotional support bench.

Do I look like
a local radio deejay to you?

'Cause I don't take requests!

Very sorry. I'm just coming down
from beast mode.

This is why the only marathon I've done

is back-to-back episodes
of "Monk" on the USA Network.

The marathon isn't
to blame for this, I am.

I became a version of myself
I didn't like very much...

and I'm not even talking
about the version

that gave me a herniated disc.

I didn't like the one that felt

that she needed Rand's advice
to make friends.

I think since I moved down here,

I've been able to do things
my way, and I liked it.

If you know the kind of person
that you want to be,

you're miles ahead of most
of the people on this planet.

Yeah, sure, it might be
difficult adjusting

to the fact that, since you
moved, things are changing.

Probably difficult for Rand, too.

Gotta figure out how he fits
into your new life.

Yeah. He definitely doesn't fit
into the jeans he got

in the Meatpacking District.

Change is part of life.
You either accept it,

or one day a guy tries
to take your bench away,

and you briefly consider dressing it up

like a very tall, weird-looking man

and sneaking it past a
near-sighted maintenance worker.

- Is that a metaphor?
- I wish it were.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Hey.

- Rand.
- Dan.

- Mm.
- I mean, it's insane.

He just lights up when you're around.

Hey, I'm really sorry
I made you do beast mode.

I just should've stayed out of it.

You were just trying to help.

If Olivia doesn't want to be
friends with the me

that does belly balloons, then...

I can live with that.

Looks like I'm gonna be
handing out water with you

at the marathon.

Hey, Neil signed up, too.

He's doing it to impress
some girl he has a crush on.

She has a boyfriend,
but apparently he's, like,

super tall and really annoying.

But, uh, you know,
Olivia will be happy to see us.

Wait. She told you she's still running?

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Then I'm running, too.

You're in a lot of pain
right now, aren't you?

Tremendous amount.

[♪]

No! This bench stays!

- Gurgs!
- Dan!

They found the bench, but I saved it.

And I can stay here for days.

I just need protein bars,
a bucket, fun magazines...

I'm talking quizzes and lists
on surprising ways

to please my man.

It's okay, Gurgs, I called
them to come take the bench.

Got to accept that we're going
into a new chapter here.

But we can't give up now.
We've come this far.

What are you talking about?
We're a foot from

- where we started.
- I'm talking emotionally, Dan.

This is a piece of Dan Fielding history.

Don't you want to at least say goodbye?

I'm not gonna say goodbye to a bench.

I've been trying to save
this bench for a week.

- You better say goodbye.
- Fine.

So, y'all take a five.

Oh, if you're interested,

there is a closet where
y'all can hook up and vape.

Fine, here's $
for some coffee, you prudes.

Well, uh, okay.

What do you say to a bench? Um...

You were always stable. You were solid.

Most of all, you were silent.
You never once said,

"Hey, what did you get into
this weekend?"

No, I always knew
that I could come here,

sit down comfortably, and read my paper,

no matter how much things
changed around here.

And for that, thank you.

- Can I be done now?
- No.

Go sit over there and keep watch.

I'm taking the Dan Fielding leg.

We'll say it got damaged in transit.

You know what, Gurgs?
No, no, wait, wait.

Do the other one, too,
because, you know,

I didn't carve anything on there,

but now I'm thinking bookends!

[♪]

Oh, that's... I can't believe

we didn't even make it past
the first mile marker.

Well, that's not true.

When you fell,
your shoe went right over it.

If any part of my spine
was in the right place,

I would hurt you right now.

It was nice that Nina waited with us

until the medic got there.

Yeah. Totally ruined her time.

Couldn't have done it without you.

Can you take your hand
off my shoulder, please?

I can't.

What's all this?

Well, I really wanted you
to at least have the experience

of breaking through the tape.

So I called these guys.

- It was too last-minute to get horses.
- Shall we?

- Let's do it.
- , , !

And they're off!

[♪]

Fresh water!

[♪]

Go! Go! Go! Go!

[♪]

- Yeah!
- Yeah!