03x01 - Smells Like Mean Spirit

[bunniefuu]

[AIRPORT ANNOUNCER]
Welcome to London Heathrow.

For your security, do not leave
any personal items unattended.

[ASSISTANT] This is
the final boarding call

for flight to Kansas City.

Final boarding for flight .

[PHONE CHIMES]

[AIRPORT ASSISTANT]
Paging passenger Lasso.

Report to the ticket desk.

Paging passenger Lasso. Please
report to the ticket desk.

Buddy, we gotta roll. Come on. Let's go.

Your mom sent you a text.

Come on, go.

- Henry Lasso. Passenger Henry Lasso.
- Hey, we're here. We're here.

Sorry about that.

We got distracted.

Little guy was trying to unlock Princess
Peach on Super Smash Bros.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Totally understand.

I once held an entire
flight to Sydney hostage

until I finished the final level
of Breath of the Wild.

Hmm. Feels like a potentially
troublesome sentence

to say in this setting,
but, hey, I appreciate you.

Hello, Henry. It's
nice to see you again.

Are you excited to head back home?

To all my toys? Yes.

To my country's political
landscape? Not so much.

[TED] Mmm. Yeah.

Well, I have a tendency to
doze off with CNN on. [CHUCKLES]

All right, big guy. Let's
get you all set up here.

iPad's all loaded up
with a bunch of movies,

so no need to watch your
neighbor's screen, okay?

Less movies about clowns in sewers,
the better, right? [CHUCKLES]

Amen, Big Ben.

- Mmm.
- Oh, here.

- Dad, uh, I made you something.
- [TED] What you got?

Oh! Hey.

A little tiny Premier
League trophy? All right!

I can't wait to drink champagne
out of this sucker, you know?

- [GULPING]
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

I mean, it's just to have
until you win the real one.

Oh, well, hey. You never know, right?

I'm sorry, Mr. Lasso, but
we are pressed for time.

[STAMMERS] Uh, of
course. Of course. Okay.

Whoo! Six weeks goes by real quick
when you're having fun, don't it?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, do me a favor. When you get home,

will you give your mom
a big squeeze from me

to let her know I love her? Yeah?

But until then, here,
you bring it in. Come on.

All right.

Mmm. Okay. Okay. Hey. I love you, buddy.

I love you too, Dad.

Yeah. All right. Okay. Get out of here.

Come on.

[AIRPORT ANNOUNCER ]
Passengers on Flight ...

[TED SIGHS]

... with service to JFK
airport, we are now boarding.

[CHUCKLES]

[AIRPORT ANNOUNCER ] ... to
Amsterdam has been delayed

and will now be
departing from Gate .

We apologize for
any inconvenience.

- [SHARON ON PHONE] Good morning, Ted.
- Hey, Doc.

- How're you feeling?
- Yeah, no. I'm fine. Yeah.

[SHARON] So, how did the drop-off go?

[TED] For me or for him?

'Cause I think those are
two very different answers.

But no, I'm fine, I think. I don't know.

I just feel kinda guilty
about the little guy

flying all by himself again, you know?

[SHARON] I understand, Ted.
But children are resilient.

And a sense of autonomy at
Henry's age is good for him.

[TED] No, I know. That's true.

I remember being left at
school when I was Henry's age.

I ended up helping our custodian,
Mr. Maher, clean half the school

until my dad remembered to
come pick me up. [CHUCKLES]

He gave Mr. Maher cash
for babysitting me.

I showed up to school the next day

and Mr. Maher gave me the money
as payment for the work I'd done.

So then I used that money
to buy him a thank-you gift,

but never got the chance
to give it to him,

'cause, well, he ended up
getting hit by a train.

[SHARON] Oh, wow. I
didn't see that coming.

[TED] Yeah, well, neither did Mr. Maher.

[GRUNTS]

[SHARON] How are things at work?

Are you feeling good
about the upcoming season?

[TED] Oh, yeah. Uh, sure.

Well, I guess I do sometimes wonder
what the heck I'm still doing here.

I... I mean, I know why I came,

but it's the sticking around
I can't quite figure out.

- [SHARON] You don't quit things, Ted.
- [TED] Right. Right. Yeah.

But, hey, maybe my being here

is doing more hurting than
helping at this point, you know?

[SHARON] Well, as the man once said,

- [TED] Ooh, I like that.
- [SHARON] I thought you would. [CHUCKLES]

- We only have a couple of minutes left.
- [TED] Ah, okay.

Hey, you still cool with me asking
you some personal questions?

[SHARON SIGHS] For now, yes. Go on.

[TED] Hey!

Holy smokes, I love that hat.

I recognize you from that show Leaky
Diapers, don't I? Huh? [CHUCKLES]

- [TED] Okay, let's see. You dating anyone?
- [SHARON] Pass.

- [TED] Ooh! You usually say no to that one.
- [SHARON CHUCKLES]

- [TED] What team you with right now?
- [SHARON] Can't say.

- [TED] Okay. All right. Well, what sport?
- [SHARON] Can't say.

[TED] Uh-huh. How many
Australians you got on the team?

- [SHARON] Nine.
- [TED] Oh, rugby. Mmm. What a game.

It's like American football and
sumo wrestling gave birth to a baby

with huge muscular
thighs all caked in mud.

Okay, Ted. I need to go.

[TED] Okay. Talk to you later, Doc.

- Goodbye, Ted.
- [TED] All right now.

You finally got off.

Not yet, I didn't.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Bloody hell!

All of them. All of them have
us finishing last this season.

Mmm. It's really rather
annoying, isn't it?

Every newspaper, every
television pundit,

every lonely middle-aged
sports-blogging loser

writing in his mother's basement.

Oh, you know, Rebecca, that
stereotype really isn't true anymore.

For example, our ten-year-old,
Terry, started writing a sports blog

in our kitchen, which we
now call his home office.

For tax purposes.

Right, well I apologize
for the generalization.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Where does your son have us finishing?

- [GAGGING]
- [DOOR OPENS]

- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, Ted.

- Good morning, Ted.
- Mmm.

Oh. No rhyming salutation.
Something wrong?

Way to notice, Amos Otis.

Yeah. Henry went back
to Kansas this morning.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. Yep, yep.

Dropped him off at the
airport a little bit ago.

Now he's up in a plane,
, feet in the sky.

- I think they fly higher than that.
- Definitely.

Yeah, well, I'm down here on Earth
checking my phone every ten minutes,

watching his plane get further
and further away. [CHUCKLES]

[INHALES SHARPLY] Yeah.

But, hey, I didn't mean to come in
here and tinkle on y'all's toenails.

What's the buzz? Tell
me what's happening.

Well, apparently, everyone
alive has picked Richmond

to finish in th place this season.

- Hmm.
- Except the Daily Mirror,

which has us finishing "twentyelf."

An adorable but devastating typo.

Hmm. Okay. Well, you know what?

I predict all their predictions
ain't gonna come true.

So, it looks like we got ourselves
a prediction Mexican standoff.

Or as they call them in
Mexico, a prediction standoff.

[CHUCKLES] Well, the worst part is that

they've picked Rupert to
finish in the top four.

Rupert's gonna play this year?

What? No.

Oh, so you mean West Ham?

Precisely. Everyone
thinks he's better than us.

They. Everyone thinks
they are better than us.

Yes, that's what I said. They.

So, what's the plan? How
are we gonna b*at him?

- Them.
- Exactly.

Oh, boy.

Mmm. You know, this might be a good time

for us to update our roster. Put
some more firepower in the team.

That is a great idea, Leslie.

Let's put some feelers
out, shall we? Ted?

[STAMMERS] Well, I
know Roy and Coach Beard

are working on some new tactics.

And, you know, the fellas we got
are already gelling real nice.

I think we're gonna do fine this season.

Ted, this team doing
"just fine" is a far cry

from you telling me we're
going to win the whole thing.

- Whoa!
- Whoa, did I really say that?

Yes, you did. Over there
after the Man City loss.

Just before you blasted half a
liter of Pellegrino in my face.

- Oh, right.
- Wait, what happened?

That is the Ted Lasso I want
coaching my team this season.

The one who's willing to fight.

- Understood?
- Yes, ma'am.

You watch, from now on,

I'll be floating like a
butterfly and stinging like a bee.

Except I won't die immediately
after using my stinger.

I plan to float and sting for
the entirety of the whole season.

[SIGHS] Excellent.

Right, if you'll excuse me,

I have a very important lunch
meeting with one Ms. Keeley Jones...

- Ooh!
- ... for some much-needed girl talk.

Hey, tell her we said howdy and...

Yo.

Okay.

- You say "yo"?
- Yeah, I know. It just popped out...

Oh, no. I'm not judging. I loved it.

- I wanna make sure I heard right.
- Okay. Yeah.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

- But I... But I feel like...
- Yeah.

That makes sense,
right? I could put my...

- What? Another one? Dead last.
- [PLAYERS GROANING]

Dead last? Who wrote that?

f*cking everybody, bruv.

Glenn Hoddle, Graeme
Souness, Jermaine Jenas...

Maybe they're trying to motivate us.

[O'BRIEN] Yeah. Thank
you very much, Dani.

I had a woman accost me on the street,

telling me I should fake
an injury this season

so I wouldn't have to
deal with the misery.

Did you tell her to piss off?

- No, she was a nun.
- Oh.

- [PLAYER LAUGHS] Wait, a nun?
- [SPEAKS SPANISH]

They must get Sky Sports
in the monasteries.

- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]
- Hey. Hey, hey, lads. Hey.

We ain't gonna get relegated
'cause we're together.

[PLAYERS MUMBLING]

And together, we got me.

[PLAYERS GROANING]

Statistically speaking,

most teams who get promoted are
relegated the very next year.

- [PLAYERS CLAMORING] Come on, Jan Maas!
- Jan Maas!

- That's what happens in the Pre...
- Shut the f*ck up, Jan Maas.

It's the Premier League.
It's just statistics, man.

So I finally watched it.

[COACH BEARD] Mm-hmm.

- I liked it.
- Mmm.

- Gene Hackman was good.
- [COACH BEARD] Mm-hmm.

- The drunk geezer.
- Mmm.

- Stuff with the team.
- Mmm.

I did have one question.

Yeah, what's that?

Why the f*ck is it called Hoosiers?

[INHALES SHARPLY] Ah.

Hey, what's up, sweetie pie?

Oh! What's the frequency, Roy Kenteth?

What you doing? Working on
new trick plays or something?

No tricks, just an old classic.
[SIGHS] Take it away, Coach.

This is the best way for
us to play this season.

The - - ,
which is...

Four defenders, four in the
midfield, and two up front.

- Yeah, I got it.
- God, I'm proud of you.

Yeah. Henry and I played a whole
bunch of FIFA while he was here.

Very helpful. You know, we
both learned who Maradona was,

and I had to explain to my son why
cocaine is actually bad for you.

Please, keep going.

Right. These little pricks have
played - - ever since they were kids,

which means they'll always know
what they're supposed to do,

and more importantly,
where they're supposed to be

at every f*cking minute
of every f*cking game

against every f*cking opponent.

Yeesh. Who invented this
thing, the Russians? [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH] Yeah.

Oh, okay. Uh...

Well, hey, if you think it's a
good idea, I think it's a great one.

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

And look, I know I don't have
Nate's f*cking tactical super-brain,

but I do know it's more
important to be solid than clever

when you're the underdogs.

Yeah, the underdog. Right. No. Okay.
I hear you, loud and clear. Yeah.

Hey, Coach. How come you
never hear of an "overdog"?

Uh, in German, the "Überhund,"
but in English, we say "top dog."

- Oh.
- Or more specifically, West Ham.

[BOTH GRUMBLE]

["FOLLOW THE LEADER" PLAYING]

Good morning, Coach Shelley.

There he is. The Wonder Kid himself.

Get out.

[KEELEY] I understand.

I just don't think Ms. Welton
will have a whole lot to say

about the unfair advantage of
being a female owner in sports.

- [GASPS]
- [KEELEY] Thank you.

f*ck you, Joe Rogan.

- [SCREAMS]
- [GASPS, LAUGHS]

[KEELEY LAUGHS, EXCLAIMS]

Sorry, everyone.

- This is my friend, my former boss...
- [CHUCKLES]

- ... my angel-mentor-guru,
Rebecca. - Oh.

And, Rebecca, these are the poets
and the geniuses behind KJPR.

- Ah. Hello. Uh...
- Hello.

Why don't you step into my office?

- Yeah? Come on. Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]

[SHIVERS] Ooh.

God, it's like a real office out there.

People typing and being
awkward and everything.

- It's so bananas, right?
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, and I found out why I got
such a good deal on this place.

Oh, I love a bit of corporate
real estate scuttlebutt.

That. Yeah. [GRUNTS]

So, the previous tenants,

they had to break the lease
because the boss kept getting caught

pinching his employees'
butts all the time.

Oh, well. One man's grope
is another woman's gain.

It does explain why my office
comes with fun features like this.

Look. Watch.

[GASPS] Yikes. But also quite cool.

[SOBBING]

Hey, it's all right.

Hey!

Hey, you're all right. I'm here. Hey.

I'm so busy, I literally have
to make time in my schedule

to sit at my desk and cry. [SOBS]

Oh.

And now I've double-booked
you. [SOBBING]

- Oh, come here! [LAUGHS]
- [SOBBING]

You know who else
picked us to finish last?

Please don't say Adele.

Paddington Bear.

- It was on his Twitter account.
- Yeah, I saw that.

On a scale of one marmalade sandwich
to five marmalade sandwiches,

we've got no marmalade sandwiches.

Even that sweet little
bear does not believe in us.

I think it's probably other
people writing for him.

- Wait, what?
- [THIERRY] Yeah.

[TED] Hmm.

What the heck is going on out here?

These guys are more distracted than
a bunch of cats playing laser tag.

They heard all the
pundits saying we suck.

f*ck pundits.

You were a pundit.

Yeah. And all we did was talk
sh*t and eat f*cking meringues.

Hey, Coach, I don't know about
you, but it kinda feels like

it's getting a little
stuffy in here, yeah?

Like one of those days you
wanna have class outside?

- Mm-hmm.
- [CHUCKLES]

What the f*ck are you two
talking about? We are outside.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

- Hey, Will.
- Yeah?

- Come here.
- Yeah.

Hey, is Kenneth around today?

Uh, yeah, no. Kenneth lives here.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. No, he
does work a lot, don't he?

[STAMMERS] No, no, no. As in, he...

He literally lives here at the facility.

- He does? Since when?
- Yeah.

Uh, ever since his cult got shut down.

- Oh. Kenneth was in a cult?
- Mmm.

No, no, no, no, no. He...
He was the leader of one.

Wow. Okay.

Well, you mind asking him to
bring the team bus around for me?

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right. Appreciate you.

- Shall we?
- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

Okay, fellas.

This segment of today's
training is now complete.

I need everyone to go hop on the bus.

We're taking practice on the road,

and last one in the parking
lot has to eat a little bug!

Everyone run except Roy! Let's go!

[PLAYERS CLAMORING]

- Run, run, run!
- Let's go, let's go!

- I feel so much better. [CHUCKLES]
- [REBECCA] Mmm.

Crying is the best, isn't it?
It's like an orgasm for the soul.

- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]

You know, in the last three
years married to Rupert,

I don't think I cried
once about anything.

Not even a John Lewis
Christmas commercial.

Oh, I'm really sorry
again about your blouse.

What are you talking about?
It's barely noticeable.

Pfft! [CHUCKLES]

Oi, sucks butt that everyone's
predicted Richmond to finish last.

- I mean, what filthy cocks.
- Mmm.

You're not worried
about that though, right?

No, not really. [INHALES SHARPLY]

I'm a bit worried that
Ted isn't worried enough.

Yeah, but you gotta
let Ted be Ted, right?

Yes. I suppose so.

No, I'm more bothered that Rupert
must just be so happy right now.

He's really gotten stuck in
your head these days, huh?

No!

I mean, yes.

But he's not stuck in the
same way he used to be stuck.

I mean, back then,

I wanted to destroy everything that
Rupert loved and owned and coveted.

You know, like Left Eye from TLC

when she b*rned all her
boyfriend's trainers in the bath

and ended up burning
down the entire house.

- Ultimate gangster move.
- f*cking legend.

And admittedly, that was me back then.

But the me now doesn't feel the
need to destroy Rupert's life.

No, the now me just wants to b*at him.

To win.

- [SIGHS] That's growth, right?
- Sure.

But sometimes you've gotta
let Rupert be Rupert too.

- Huh?
- Ms. Jones, uh, we have a problem.

Barbara, come on. It's Keeley.

Oh, and I want you to meet
my dear friend, Rebecca.

- She owns AFC Richmond.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh.

Yes, of course, Rebecca.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Hello, Barbara.

- Ms. Jones, um...
- [KEELEY] Mmm?

... I noticed a business expense
for flowers recurring weekly.

You want to spend £
every week on flowers?

Yeah.

Why?

So the office is
cheerful and smells nice.

Flowers are for two things, Ms.
Jones. Dead people and dead marriages.

- It was so nice to meet you.
- It was nice to meet you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

She seems fun.

She's my CFO.

The company that financed
me placed her here.

But she's my CFO, yet
sometimes my CFO...

Chief Financial Officer.

Oh, my. I did not know that.

I've been saying
"corporate flying object"

'cause it's been making me laugh.

Why didn't you just google it?

[SLURPS] Because I
trust in the universe.

- Oh.
- [KEELEY CHUCKLES]

- Right. I have got to get going. [GROANS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Dinner this evening?

- [SIGHS] I can't.
- Oh, no, no. I'm eating meat again.

- Oh, that's not it. But thank Christ.
- [CHUCKLES]

No, uh... Roy and I are finally
having the talk with Phoebe.

Ah.

I cannot cancel on him
again, or he will k*ll me.

- Okay, well, call me later.
- Mmm.

And thank you for the advice.

- Thank you for your bosom.
- Anytime.

[CHUCKLES]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- You. Come over here. Come over here.

Come and stand on this line for
me. This... This, over here. Yeah.

This is a very important line.

Everyone, this is the dumb-dumb line.

- This is where dumb-dumbs go.
- [PLAYER] Mmm.

Stay.

You, go in for the dumb-dumb. Try
not to join him on the line. Go.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[ASSISTANT] Coach Shelley?

Yes. Yes?

Mr. Mannion would
like to speak with you.

Okay. Thank you very much.
[INHALES SHARPLY]

N-Now?

Uh... Disco.

Yeah.

Take over here. Five
more minutes of this,

then run them till they drop.

- Okay.
- All right. Let...

Oh. Oh, gosh.

Okay.

Just because my name is Disco
doesn't mean we get to party, yeah?

- There he is. The Wonder Kid himself.
- [NATE CHUCKLES]

Oh. Hello. How was your trip?

Wonderful. Yeah.

Uh, I was in St. Barts with
dear friends, the Sacklers.

We were legally required
to stay miles offshore,

but, uh, what a beautiful boat.

Well, sounds lovely.

What's lovely are these delightful
preseason prognostications. Yeah.

Aren't they delish? [CHUCKLES]

Especially poor, old Richmond.
[CHUCKLES]

Can you believe they're picked
to finish th? [CHUCKLES]

Well, yeah, because there's no st.

[LAUGHING]

That's very good.
[CHUCKLES] Oh! [SNIFFS]

I hope you've got more zingers like that

in your back pocket
for the presser today.

I... Yeah, I might.

Oh. You know, they didn't know
what they had, letting you go.

Nathan Shelley, you are a k*ller.

Thank you, Mr. Mannion.

Oh, no, please, Nathan. Call me Rupert.

[DOOR OPENS]

Mr. Mannion, the car is being
removed from the lot as we speak.

Ah. Good.

Security thinks one of the new cleaners

must have parked in the
prestige lot by accident.

[RUPERT CHUCKLES] Yes.

And accidents have repercussions.

I just want to just have a look. Um...

Yes, that's my car.

- [NATHAN] Sorry. [SIGHS]
- [RUPERT] Is it really?

No. Um... Well, ye... Uh, yes.

I mean, it's the one that
I drove here in, but...

[STAMMERS] ... is anything really ours?

- I can move it.
- No, it's okay.

My apologies, Nathan.

Ms. Kakes, let security know
that we have found the, uh,

automobile's owner,
and everything's fine.

Yes, Mr. Mannion.

- Nathan?
- Yeah?

I know you'll make me proud.

I believe in you.

Thank you, Mr. Rupert. Ru...
Just Rupert. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Plain Rupert.

Rupert.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- [PLAYER] Thanks, Ken.
- Have a good one, lad.

- [PLAYER ] Cheers, Ken.
- Look after yourselves.

- Thanks, K-Rock.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Ken, thanks again for
helping us out at the last second.

Oh, no worries. You got lucky, really.

Ted, it's a good rule of thumb

never to ask a hippie to
come in on his day off.

- Okay, message received.
- Ah, all right.

Well, I'll go and smoke some
toad venom while I'm waiting.

Then the whole day's
not a waste. Cheers.

Okay. Yeah.

He gonna be okay to drive us back?

- After the toad venom?
- Yeah.

He's usually fine in minutes.

He'll be forever changed...

[INHALES DEEPLY]
... but he can drive, yeah.

Okay, good.

All right, fellas. Follow me.

There he is.

[LAUGHS] Good to see
you again, Coach Lasso.

Hey, nice to see you too, Ivor.

- All right.
- [LAUGHS]

Come on, fellas. Here we are.

- This is the spot here?
- Yes, sir.

All righty.

Okay, here we go, guys. Down the hatch.

- [PLAYER ] Nah.
- [PLAYER ] What?

- Yeah, we're going down here.
- [PLAYER ] What's he talking about?

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[CHATTERING]

[TED] Yeah. Nah, it's gonna be fine.

Oh, Del, look at this sh*t.

- Yeah, why don't you go next?
- All right.

- Is that Roy Kent?
- I don't know.

[SHOUTING] Roy Kent, is that you?

Get f*cked.

- [CHUCKLES] Yeah, definitely him.
- Yeah, that's him.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

- [LAUGHING] Yes.
- Get that on Twitter, son.

[PANTS]

[HUMS] I just wanted to go
through this transfer list.

Some good options here. Um...

Why are you dressed like an umlaut?

[SIGHS] Keeley tears.

Ah. I've had this
dry-cleaned now six times.

[SIGHS]

Can't believe she wears
stuff like this on her eyes.

- Right. Come here.
- Hmm?

[HIGGINS HUMMING]

[GAGGING] Are you sure
you want to watch this?

No, I don't want to, Leslie.
But it's part of my job.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I need
to be ready to comment

if Rupert were to say something
snide about me or the team.

Where are they, by the way?

Shouldn't they be training now?

- [HIGGINS STAMMERS]
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

[SQUEAKING]

Yeah, come on down, fellas.
That's it. All right.

Greyhounds, behold the majesty
of the London sewer system.

[PLAYERS GRUMBLING]

Disgusting.

Mmm, yeah, that's what I
thought at first as well.

But then, over the summer, Henry and I

took a tour of this
place with Ivor here.

Why would you take your
kid for a tour of a sewer?

Well, it was his idea, actually.

See, what happened was, on
his plane ride over here,

the fellow sitting next to him was
watching that horror movie It,

and, well, Henry accidentally
ended up watching it too.

[PLAYERS CLAMORING]

So then, when he heard about this tour,

he asked to go on it in
order to face his fears.

f*cking smart.

- [JAMIE] Yeah, that is good.
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Ain't much scarier out there
than a creepy clown, right?

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Ladies and gentlemen
of the press, welcome.

Lovely to see you all, and, uh,

thank you for selecting

our humble little football
club to do so well this season.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[EXHALES HEAVILY] Twat.

[TED] Ivor, my friend, why
don't you help these fine fellows

with some fun facts about
this here feces factory?

Uh, well, back in ,

an engineer called Joseph
Bazalgette and his team

built more than , miles of
interconnected tunnels and sewers.

And its creation helped cure
a massive cholera outbreak

after untreated human waste found
its way into the River Thames.

Anyone know what that
epidemic was called?

Great Stink of .

That's correct.

Ooh! [CHUCKLES] All right,
go ahead, Ivor. Keep cooking.

[RUPERT] The person you are here to see,

the Wonder Kid himself,

our new manager,

- Nathan Shelley.
- [APPLAUSE]

Ah, thank you. Um, very nice to be here.

Uh, I'm pretty sure I said
"wunderkind." [CHUCKLES]

[REPORTER COUGHS]

Doesn't... It doesn't matter.
Doesn't... [STAMMERS]

Sorry, does anyone have any questions?

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

- Yes, you. Thank you.
- How are you and the lads getting on?

Yeah, really great. Um...

Getting to know them.

Getting to know all about them.

Getting to like them.

[REPORTERS MURMURING]

Getting to hope... [STAMMERS]

[MURMURING CONTINUES]

Excuse me a second.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[MURMURING CONTINUES]

- What is he doing?
- [SCOFFS]

[LAUGHING]

Sorry, just, um, had to tie my shoe.

[COUGHS] Uh, yeah, next
question, please. Thank you. Yes?

Uh, Coach Shelley,

you are now the manager of a
contending Premier League team,

but just two years ago,
you were a mere kit man,

washing another team's underwear.

I mean, it must all feel a
bit overwhelming for you, yes?

Not for me, no. Because
I earned this job.

[INHALES DEEPLY] What's
overwhelming is the confusion I feel

when someone so intelligent-looking
asks such a stupid question.

[REPORTERS LAUGHING, MURMURING]

Meow.

Anyone else?

- Yeah, I got a question.
- Yeah, go ahead, Isaac.

What the f*ck are we doing here?

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Silence!

Thank you, Coach. Uh, that's
a good question, Isaac.

A-And direct, which
is a personality trait

y'all's generation has truly embraced,

and I tell you what, I've grown
used to it, so I appreciate it.

Uh, yeah, well, hey,
fellas, take a look around.

What are we surrounded by down here?

- Coach.
- [TED] Yeah, Jamie.

We're surrounded by poopy.

[TED] Mm-hmm, that's
right. But if you ask me,

we're surrounded by a whole bunch
of poopy up there as well, yeah?

See, gentlemen, right now, y'all's
brains are basically London in .

They're blocked up by
other people's dookie.

Y'all need to make an internal
sewer system within yourselves,

and then connect to
each other's tunnels,

help each other keep that flow.

So if you're ever having
a crisis of confidence,

y-you know, borrow some of Jamie's.

Yeah? Or if you're feeling down,
you know, get some Dani in your life.

[STAMMERS] Or you can
learn from Richard's

vast knowledge of expensive wines.

Fine wines, Coach.

- [GRUNTS]
- The thing is, a great bottle of wine

really doesn't need to be an
expensive bottle of wine, you get it?

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

All right, see? That's...
That's wisdom right there.

Merci beaucoup.

Uh, yeah. Next question.

Coach Shelley, um, regarding
your old team, AFC Richmond,

any idea why everyone is expecting
them to finish th this season?

[CHUCKLES] Probably
because there's no st.

[REPORTERS LAUGHING]

Ouch.

Guys, all we gotta do is remember
to stay connected to one another

and let anything we don't need
flow right through all the way to,

I don't know, Germany or...
[STAMMERS] Where does it go, Ivor?

Oh, processed through a treatment
plant and dumped back into the ocean,

where we swim and get our seafood.

[PLAYERS GROANING, CHATTERING]

Oh. Okay. Yeah, that's horrible.

- All right, y'all get it?
- [JAMIE] Yes, Coach.

Okay, let's get upstairs,
get some fresh air.

Come on. Let's go. Hurry up. On the hop.

No sudden movements near the bus driver.

[PHONES CHIMING]

Uh, Coach Shelley, um,

would you like to comment on
the new picture of AFC Richmond

that's just showed up online?

[REBECCA] What picture?

[PHONE CHIMES]

Uh...

I think I know where the team's gone.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Yeah, well, it makes sense to me.

They probably have to train in a sewer

because their coach is so shitty.

[REPORTERS LAUGHING]

- Oh, boy.
- [SIGHS]

I really like that Kenneth guy.

He seems really plugged in, yeah?

Oh, yeah. No, I agree.

That nutter told me to
ask the f*cking Earth

to help me carry some of my burden.

He ain't wrong.

That's not a terrible idea.

[CELL PHONES CHIMING]

Oh, boy.

What?

That little prick.

- Who?
- Just check your phone.

- Oh.
- Yo, you see what Nate said about us?

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[THIERRY] Check this out. Look.

- What happened?
- What?

- You see?
- No, no, no.

- [SIGHS]
- [PLAYERS CLAMORING]

I better say something.

Hey, hey, lads, lads, lads.

Remember, it's just poopy. Let it flow.

- Yeah.
- Ah, just like in the sewer.

Bingo, "el ringo."

- Clever, Jamie. [CHUCKLES, SPEAKS SPANISH]
- Yeah.

- All right.
- [PHONE CHIMES]

Hey, boss.

Where were you this afternoon?

Oh, I took the fellows on a
little impromptu field trip.

Yes, to a sewer, Ted.
I know. Everyone knows.

And you're upset that
I didn't invite you?

No, Coach Lasso,

I'm upset because the team that I own

is projected to finish last this season.

And my manager decided to skip training

and take our players
into a f*cking sewer.

No, yeah, I can see your point, yeah.

Did you hear what Nathan
was saying about you?

- Yes, ma'am.
- And are you planning on addressing that?

No, ma'am.

Everyone is laughing at us, Ted.

At you, at our team, at me.

Rupert is laughing at me, Ted.

And I am begging you,
please, fight back.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

Uh, yeah. Sarah.

- Hey, I like the new hair color.
- Thank you.

You do it just for fun

- or are you going through a breakup?
- Both.

Yep, no, I get it. What you got?

Coach, how are you feeling
about the unanimous opinion

that Richmond will be relegated
again at the end of the season?

[TED] Mmm, yeah, that's true, isn't it?

Expectations for us are as low as
a rattlesnake's belly button, huh?

[REPORTERS CHUCKLE]

But, hey, we got chances

to prove all them folks
wrong though, right?

Yeah. And my hopes are as
high as a giraffe's top hat.

Uh, next question.

And if it is, "Why is a giraffe
wearing a top hat?" Don't ask me, man.

- Go ask a giraffe.
- [REPORTERS CHUCKLE]

- [MARCUS] Coach?
- Yeah, Marcus.

Marcus Adebayo, The Independent.

- [REPORTERS] Ooh!
- Ooh! Congrats on the new gig.

- Thank you.
- [TED] What have you got for me?

Do you have any response to
comments made earlier today

by your former assistant
coach, Nathan Shelley?

Uh, yes, I do.

Yeah.

I thought it was hilarious. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, he came and got us,
didn't he? No doubt about that.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, but that's Nate
the Great for you, you know?

He's the same way on the pitch.

He'll find the tiniest
little weakness in a team

and just want to att*ck that, you know?

I mean, uh, he's a junkyard
dog, man. And smart.

They're real lucky to have
him over there at West Ham.

I wish him the best of luck.

[REPORTERS MURMURING]

I guess I am a little surprised
that's all he could come up with.

Especially against me.

You know, not one joke about
me being a dumb American?

Come on, man. It's sitting
there. I mean, I'm so dumb...

[REPORTER COUGHS]

Y'all are supposed to
say, "How dumb are you?"

- Gary.
- Why?

Well, I mean, it's just
classic joke structure.

Give it a sh*t. I mean, I'm so dumb...

- [TED] Lloyd.
- How dumb are you?

Hmm. [GRUMBLES] Okay.

I'm so dumb that the first time I heard

y'all talking about Yorkshire pudding,

I thought it was a fancy
word y'all had for dog poop.

[TED, REPORTERS CHUCKLE]

Yeah. I mean, I'm so dumb...

- [REPORTERS] How dumb are you?
- How... How dumb are you?

Yeah, all right, well, you know.

Well, whenever I text someone over here

about money, I still
spell "pounds" L-B-S.

[REPORTERS CHUCKLE]

Look, man, I'm not a great
coach. Probably ain't.

I've been doing this
sport now for three years,

and I still get a chuckle every time

someone talks about
a handball violation.

- [REPORTERS CHUCKLE]
- [PHONE CHIMES]

Yeah, and not one cr*ck about my
appearance? About this mustache?

I... I... I look like Ned Flanders
is doing cosplay as Ned Flanders.

[REPORTERS LAUGH]

When I talk, it sounds like Dr. Phil
hasn't gone through puberty yet.

[REPORTERS LAUGHING]

Yeah. I'm more corny than Kevin
Costner's outfield. [CHUCKLES]

Ooh, I lost you on that one. Yeah.

[GRUNTS] Swing and a miss.

- Yeah. Uh, Field of Dreams? No?
- [PHONE BUZZES]

I... I guess y'all don't
really like baseball here,

so why would you like
movies about it? The, uh...

Well, hey, how about this one?

Regarding my panic att*cks,

I've had more psychotic
episodes than Twin Peaks.

[REPORTERS LAUGH]

[CHORTLES] I mean, I'm so crazy...

- [REPORTERS] How crazy are you?
- How crazy are you?

There we go.

- [EXHALES HEAVILY]
- [REPORTERS LAUGHING]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

[CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS]

[PHONE CHIMES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[MS. KAKES] Coach Shelley?

I have a package for you.

Oh, thank you.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[MS. KAKES] It's from Mr. Mannion.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know if I should
open it in front of you

or wait for you to leave.

It's a car.

[CHUCKLES]

["WELCOME TO THE PARTY" PLAYING]

[UNLOCKING HONK]

[ENGINE REVS]

[SONGS ENDS]

[SLURPS]

I'm finished, Uncle Roy.

Ice cream before dinner?

Either you think I did
something very good,

or you guys did something very bad.

[KEELEY CHUCKLES]

Phoebs...

[CLICKS TONGUE] ... your Uncle Roy and I

have something we need to tell you.

Okay, uh, what?

- We're going on a break.
- We broke up.

[STAMMERS] Which is it?

- Well...
- We broke up.

But don't worry, because
your Uncle Roy and I talked,

and you and I can still see
each other whenever you want to.

[INHALES SHARPLY, STAMMERS] Why?

Because we thought you'd wanna
hang out with me sometimes.

No, no. Why are you breaking up?

That's... That's a good question. Um...

[CLICKS TONGUE]

We're too busy.

But, uh, yo-you were both busy before.

We're more busy now.

H-How so?

[STAMMERS]

Keeley's got her own company now,

so that takes up a lot
of her time and focus.

And uh, we had a coach quit,

so it's now my responsibility for
tactics and strategies and shi...

Roy, I know you're scared
about that, but it's gon...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Right. [INHALES DEEPLY]

Do you wanna talk about
it some more, or...

No, um, not really. It makes sense.

I mean, y-you were only
together a year. [INHALES DEEPLY]

And few relationships can survive a
major career change, much less two.

Besides, my mum and dad
split up when I were four,

so one of my core beliefs is
that nothing lasts forever.

[SIGHS]

I am happy we still get
to be friends, though.

Yeah, so am I.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

We should probably go.

All that ice cream's already
doing a number on my tummy.

Right.

["IN ANOTHER TIME" PLAYING]

- Uncle Roy?
- Yeah?

Are you sure you're
doing the right thing?

I don't know.

Can I say a bad word?

Go on.

I think you're being stupid.

[SIGHS]

Something on your mind, Coach?

You ever wonder why we're here, Coach?

In London or on Earth?

Well, both, I guess, but for the sake

of this conversation,
let's go with London.

Carry on.

I mean, look, I know it's nuts
we came here in the first place,

but at this point, I can't
tell if it's more crazy

or less crazy that we're still here.

We grabbing a beer, Coach?

No, I can't. I wanna talk to Henry. Why?

'Cause we just passed your apartment.

Oh, sh**t. Okay. Night, Coach.

Night, Coach.

[PHONE RINGING]

[HENRY] Hi, Dad.

Well, if it isn't Mr. Carmen
Sandiego himself. [CHUCKLES]

How was your flight?

It was good. I watched a
movie called The Exorcist.

Wait, you did what?

I'm kidding.

[CHUCKLES] That was good.
You got me. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, hey, check it out.

I put the trophy you gave me

right down here smack-dab in the
middle of Nelson Road Stadium.

- How about that?
- That's great,

but why is Nate off to the side?

Oh, well, remember, he's not
part of the team anymore, yeah?

Yeah, but you can still
be friends, right?

You know what? You're
right, buddy. Here.

Yeah. All right. Let me
fix that for you right now.

Yeah.

There you go.

Hey, big guy,

you know I don't like
being away from you, right?

Yeah.

And that I'd only ever do it
for something really important.

You know, something I believe in, yeah?

Yeah.

And do you understand
why I'm still here?

Of course. To win the whole thing.

Well, now, don't forget.
Winning ain't everything.

Yeah, Dad, but you gotta try, right?

No, you're absolutely right.

We always have to try.

Good. Now the universe is alive!

Whoa, what is that?

Thanos's Infinity Gauntlet.
Jake gave it to me.

Oh, snap. Well, that is
cool. [CHUCKLES] Who's Jake?

Mommy's friend.

See? It lights up.

- [ELECTRONIC TONES]
- [TED CHUCKLES]

Great.

["RING THE ALARM" PLAYING]