d*ck, you'll never
guess what happened.
You were, uh, followed
home by two middle-aged men.
Wow, he's good.
You know Mrs. Burgess,
the woman who gives
the historical presentation
to tour groups at the museum?
Yeah.
She's retiring,
and I've been
asked to replace her.
We came by to see your reaction.
Con-congratulations.
What a let-down.
Guess we should leave
so d*ck can calm down.
Honey,
this is a copy of
the presentation.
Mrs. Burgess has been giving
it every week for 50 years.
The problem is that this speech
is just full of things
only she would say.
Yeah, it does kinda
reek of Mrs. Burgess.
See, what I need is a way
to make this speech more me.
- Good idea.
- So you'll write it?
- What?
- Oh, come on, d*ck.
If you do this for me,
I'll do something
really great for you.
Like... like what?
Like, uh, I'll give you
back those pictures
that I took of you in that
Valentine's Day underwear.
I'll get right on it.
You're the greatest.
Hoo hoo.
Darn, a great reaction
and no one's here to see it.
Hi. I'm Larry.
This is my brother Darryl,
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
Only after tomorrow,
I'll be just Larry.
Why... why is that?
I'm proud to announce
that after many years
of pinchin' my pennies,
I can now afford
to go on the road
for my dream vacation: Florida.
For sun and fun?
No, miniature golf.
It's the perfect time to go.
It's the off season,
and the box cars ain't as full.
You might even be able
to swing a private car.
Well, I'll be gone 8 or 9 days,
depending on how
many free games I win.
So while I'm gone,
I need someone
to look after Darryl.
Why... why don't you
take 'em with you?
Well, we were all
plannin' to go together.
Whereas I was thrifty, though,
they blew all their
money on ball bearings.
Aren't... aren't
they old enough to...
To take care of themselves?
I think so, but Darryl don't.
Frankly, if we...
Lived in a more rural
area, it might be okay.
Anyway, you're my first
choice to stay with Darryl,
although Miss Stephanie
won by the vote.
Uh, guys, I... I have a big
speech to rewrite and, uh,
I... I really don't think
I could give 'em any...
quality time.
Thank you, George.
I don't know how you
manage to keep a cool head
during such a crisis.
No problem.
Hi, Miss Stephanie.
Hi, guys.
Miss Stephanie,
I hate to impose,
but I'm gonna be goin'
away, and I need someone
to look after Darryl.
Oh, well then, I suggest
you ask anyone but me.
Thank you, Miss Stephanie.
Glad I could help.
Uh, Larry, I'd be glad
to stay with Darryl.
Really?
What do you think?
Well, it's all
right with Darryl,
but before I go blindly
handing over the
reins of authority,
I'd like to be sure
in my own mind
that you're the
right man for the job.
Okay.
Hypothetically speaking,
what would you do if
Darryl catches on fire?
I'd throw water on him.
The proper answer
is put him under a cow
and start milkin' like crazy.
Although your answer
sounds like it does have a sh*t.
Okay.
You're hired. Here you go.
Don't lose 'em.
d*ck,
I just finished reading
what you did to the speech.
You're welcome.
Well, I... I know
you're a bit sensitive
about your writing,
but I had a little
problem with...
Hon... Honey, say no more.
I... I know there's a...
There's a typo on page 3.
Oh. I... I... I
didn't notice that.
Well, then... then, what are
you having a problem with?
Well, uh,
it's kind of around, uh,
in this area.
Kind of...
just the first three pages.
The speech is three pages.
That's my problem.
- The length?
- The speech.
Oh, I see what's going on here.
You're, uh... You're
getting nervous
about speaking in
front of a... a crowd
and you're taking it out on
a... On a great piece of writing.
So you really
think these little...
witticism things are good?
Trust me. Screams.
Well...
Remember, I did
do this as a favor.
I could be watching the Darryls.
Okay. I'll... I'll do it.
Great. Well, if
you'll excuse me,
I have a typo to white out.
Hi ho, JoJo, how's it go go?
Hi, Michael, Stephanie, listen,
how would you like
to do me a favor?
Well, I think I
speak for us both
when I enthusiastically
say, it depends.
I'm giving a speech at
the museum on Saturday,
and I'd really appreciate
a few familiar faces
in the audience.
Freeze frame on
that thought, Joanna.
What do we think, cake o' cups?
- It's at the museum?
- Yeah.
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but isn't that where they
keep old and rusty things
that were quaint 100 years
ago, but now are just gross?
It would only be
for half an hour.
Well, all right,
if you're gonna
carry on like this.
What good friends.
Hi, George, how's it goin'?
More.
After a whole day
with the Darryls,
the sound of a human
voice is like music.
That's right, George,
you've been on
double Darryl duty.
Yeah.
They spent the day
emptying out rain gutters.
Aw, they must be tired.
I don't know about
tired, but they're sure full.
When's the tour group coming?
Well, they've been off
the bus for half an hour,
so they should be at the display
of Calvin Coolidge's
dental plate by now.
First one in the country
to hold five teeth.
That's quite a coup.
Oh, Michael, I
don't like this place.
Everything's either old or dead
or was in someone's mouth.
Michael, Stephanie,
hi. Thanks for coming.
It was quite a sacrifice.
I mean, it's like
being held c*ptive
inside a PBS special.
This way, everyone!
Ew, Michael, bus people.
Joanna, I'd like you to
meet Kirby the bus driver.
Hi.
Well, you already
got Burgess b*at
in the bod department.
Hey, everyone. Isn't this fun?
Huh?
How 'bout that dental plate?
Yeah!
All right, all right.
Now I wanna present
the highlight of our tour,
a colorful history of Vermont,
given by Joanna Loudon.
Uh... Uh, sorry
guys, she's married.
Welcome to Vermont.
Early settlers
worked long and hard
to forge a community here
against many hardships.
These Yankees
faced harsh weather,
famine, even Indians.
Of course, the Yankees
b*at the Indians, 12 to 8.
But seriously,
when discussing the
early history of our state,
one man stands out,
namely Ethan Allen.
He was best known as the leader
of the Green Mountain Boys,
whose first album
easily went gold.
No, no, please, really.
d*ck, what is your wife doing?
She's bringing
down the tour group.
Vermont was the first
state admitted to the union
after the 13 colonies.
For those of you
who don't remember,
the 13 colonies
were Massachusetts,
Rhode Island, Pennsylvania,
and in case Santa Claus is here,
"Yes, Santa Claus,
there is a Virginia."
Honey, let's sneak out
and get another
look at those teeth.
Honey...
It wasn't that bad.
d*ck, do you realize
that because of you
I can't ever show my
face in this town again?
Sure you can. They
were all tourists.
d*ck, they were all
chanting, "Burgess, Burgess."
Well, sure, to...
toward the end.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go listen
to my Ethan Allen
and the Green
Mountain Boys album.
See, I mean, it is a funny area.
O... Okay. Okay,
Joanna, okay. Maybe...
Maybe I was wrong
to force you to...
To do the speech.
And... and to be honest,
maybe it was all my fault
and, uh... and I'm... I'm sorry.
Well, d*ck, that... that's
big of you to admit it.
When I'm... I'm
wrong, I'm... I'm wrong.
And I was wrong to...
assume that you could
deliver witty material.
Excuse me?
Well, face it, Joanna, I mean,
some people can give
humorous speeches and...
And other people
are... Are like you.
d*ck, you're blaming
me for that yawn-a-thon?
Well, it's unrealistic
to blame the material.
Hi, d*ck, Joanna.
We just wanted to see if
you were okay after that b*mb.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay.
We don't blame you.
No. It was that speech.
If you were gonna rewrite
Mrs. Burgess's speech,
you should at least have
gotten d*ck to help you.
He's a professional.
Uh...
a... actually, I was the one
who rewrote the speech.
Wow, d*ck.
Just 'cause you didn't
get picked to do the speech
is no reason for sabotage.
Tell you what, Joanna,
why don't we
just forget all this,
and you can come next week
and do Mrs. Burgess's speech.
Yeah, we better tell
the security guard
she's allowed back in.
I don't know if I'm
delivering this right,
but I told you so.
No offense, Joanna,
but I don't exactly live or die
by a thumbs-up from them.
I mean, I still think
the... The right person
could make that material fly.
Like who?
Uh... of the people
in this room? Uh...
well, me.
Good, then you give
the speech next week,
and we'll see how you do.
Oh, no, no. That... that...
That wouldn't be fair.
I'm a professional TV host.
And I... I'm not
going to get involved
in some kind of a childish,
petty, competitive...
- You're scared.
- You're on.
Hi. I'm George.
This is Larry's brother Darryl,
and this is his
other brother Darryl.
How are you and the
Darryls getting along, George?
Oh, great.
It's been a lot of fun.
I'm doing things I've
never done before.
Like today we played
Find the Hibernating
Animal and Wake It.
Yeah, I'm learning a lot too.
I never knew before
how many things
a person could
eat and still not die.
Come on, Darryl.
- Let's add food to that list.
- Oh.
Hi.
I'm Larry. Miniature golfed out.
Hi, Larry. How
was your vacation?
Well, I managed
to have a good time,
although I was asked
to leave several courses
for usin' a wood.
But I did leave Florida
in style. Police escort.
Come on, guys.
We can go down
to the lake and...
Oh. Oh, hi. Hi, Larry.
Darryl.
Let's see,
uh, one, two.
Yep, all here.
You look a little bloated.
You haven't let Darryl
near the rain gutter, have you?
I have half a mind
not to give you
the present I brought
back from Florida.
Well, okay.
I never could resist
those cherubic faces,
so reminiscent of
the Campbell's kids.
It's something I
put together myself,
a skeeter farm.
Now you can watch the
fascinating metamorphosis
from larva to bloodsucker.
You're a good brother, Larry.
Oh, and thanks.
Come on, Darryl.
Let's go play
Find the Hibernatin'
Animal and Wake It.
Oh.
And doing it a
second time in one day
would border on the cruel.
I know, let's go
build a giant nest
and see what crawls into it.
See you guys.
See you la...
I'll see you...
Boy, you stay with 'em,
spend time with 'em,
do fun things with 'em,
and what do you get?
They leave without saying
so much as a simple good-bye.
Go have kids.
Honey, do you
think we should, uh,
rearrange the
chairs so there's...
more room for
rolling in the aisles?
Good idea, d*ck.
Anything that could cut down
trampling during the mass exit.
Hi, d*ck, Joanna.
Well, we're really
looking forward
to hearing that old speech.
d*ck's got something
to tell you fellas.
Um, we're doing
last week's speech.
Oh, no.
Relax, guys.
I'm doing it.
Oh, no.
Welcome to Vermont.
Early settlers
worked long and hard
to forge a community
here against...
Against many hardships.
These Yankees faced
harsh weather, famine,
even Indians.
Of course, the Yankees
b*at the Indians, 12 to 8.
But, uh... but seriously,
when, uh... when discussing
the... The early history of our state,
one man stands out,
Ethan Allen.
Of course, he was
best known as the...
leader of the...
Green Mountain Boys,
whose first album
easily went gold.
Um, I didn't know that
they had records back then.
They... they... they didn't.
It was, um... it was a joke.
You know, it's just that
the Green Mountain Boys,
it sort of...
It sort of sounds like
a... Like a musical group.
Isn't it unprofessional
to explain your jokes
to your audience?
I m... I mean, I...
I... I ma... I made a...
a... A fool of myself.
Honey, that... that was
the worst speech on...
On... on the history of Vermont
in the history of... of Vermont.
I hope those people
weren't serious about
cutting off...
all their own ears.
Joanna, aren't... aren't
you gonna comfort me?
In a minute.
First I want an apology.
For... for humiliating myself?
d*ck, you humiliated me.
That was last week.
I'm... I'm talking about...
About fresh pain here.
Okay, okay, Joanna.
You were completely right and...
And I was completely
wrong and...
And I'll never...
I'll never do anything
like that to... to you again.
Well, that covers
everything, doesn't it?
Yes it does, honey.
And thank you.
You're... you're welcome.
Now I'm... I'm going
to say something...
else negative
about myself and...
I expect you to... To
disagree with me...
a... a lot.
I... I am the worst
writer in... In this galaxy,
and... and... and maybe
the... The two nearby.
d*ck, you are not.
I said a lot.
d*ck, you're a wonderful writer.
But even the best writers
write bad things occasionally.
Only instead of
crumpling them up,
you gave them to your wife.
But... but what...
What if everything I...
Everything I ever wrote was bad?
I mean, I... I put humor
in... In my how to books.
I mean,
listen to that.
I mean, people all
over the country are...
Are reading my books
and... And not laughing.
d*ck, you are very funny.
I mean, even your
book titles are funny.
Shelf Help?
Well, you know, it was...
pretty off the
wall, so to speak.
You see?
You're right,
my book titles were funny
and the... and the
jokes in 'em were funny.
Exactly.
I... I am one heck
of a funny guy.
You sure are.
Good night, honey.
Good night.
Maybe I... Maybe I
just had a bad audience.
Ah!
Meow.
06x11 - Laugh at My Wife, Please
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.