06x13 - My Three Dads

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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06x13 - My Three Dads

Post by bunniefuu »

Here it is, my 35th book.

"How to Write How-To Books."

d*ck, why do you have so many?

Well, these are...
are for, you know,

to... to give to
family and friends.

That doesn't mean we
have to take one, does it?

Phew. And congratulations.

Oh, Michael.

I have to ask you a question
about your TV station.

Last night while I was
watching Barnaby Jones,

there was an ad for
the news that said,

"President dead: details at 11."

So I had to stay up
to watch the news.

I mean, that kind
of shook me up.

Turned out that the
president who was dead

was Calvin Coolidge.

So?

Well, somehow
that didn't seem right.

Well, it is right, George.

I mean, Cal has
said adios to Earth.

But I thought you meant
our current president.

Michael, did... did WPIV
run a promo like that?

We call them "teasers", d*ck.

There's nothing like
them to boost ratings

on a slow news day.

But it's... It's
deceiving. It's...

It's dishonest.
It's... it's despicable.

And it works.

Besides, d*ck,
look at it this way.

Cal hasn't been in
the news much lately.

I'm sure he
appreciated the mention.

Well, Michael, how
can you do that?

Well, I didn't write it, Joanna.

I just came up with
the concept to mislead

and told the news
department to run with it.

Michael,

people are talking
about the news and...

there are books here.

Let's go.

Okay, Steph.

Hope you enjoy the
news tonight, George.

I'm not going to watch it.

Oh, really?

Wait till you see
tonight's teaser.

I hear the writers really
came up with a doozy.

You know, I like being a fan of
Buddy Ebsen, but at what price?

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

I thought I recognized you guys.

We're here with an announcement.

We've decided to have a child.

Wha... What?

It occurred to us

that our biological
clocks are tickin',

and we don't have
much time left.

Uh, that's great, guys.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh... how... you... how
are... How are you, uh...?

How are you planning
on, you know, going...

Going about that?

Well, we thought about
stickin' with tradition

and havin' one with a woman,

but so far we haven't
been able to coax one

into holy wedlock.

Not even "The Face."

Seems the only
way we've been able

to turn a woman's
head is by yellin',

"Look out behind you."

Anyway,

in our longin' to be dads,
we've decided to adopt.

We hear there's a
desperate need for parents.

Prob... Probably
not that desperate.

Guys, I... I don't want
to discourage you

or anything but, um,

um, I mean, do... Do
you think maybe a...

A... a kitten might
solve your problem?

I don't think so.

Although Darryl here
could teach a young feline

a thing or two
about catchin' mice.

Come on, Darryl.

I'm sure one look at our
sincere, worldly-wise faces,

and it's in the bag.

Oh, which reminds me:

when we go to the
adoptin' agency,

we gotta remember
to bring the sack,

so we'll have somethin'
to carry the baby home in.

d*ck, no adoption
agency would actually

give them a child?

I think on the list
of desirable parents,

they would come
somewhat after...

90-year-olds,

crazy people, and
childless wolf couples.

You know, I hope we don't end
up competin' for the same kid.

I mean, I don't think
you'd stand much chance

what with it bein' three to two.

Larry, Darryl, and... Darryl?

That's us.

Now, behave yourself
in there, Darryl.

And remember, there's
only three ways to get a baby:

by a woman, by adopting,
or by a star in the East.

Frankly, I think
this is our best sh*t.

Hi, I'm Kristi Gastetter.

Hi.

Are you the lady that's
gonna be deliverin' our baby?

Well, we'll see.

Please have a seat.

Um, I see by your application
that you have two businesses;

the Minuteman Café
and Anything For a Buck?

That's right.

We can get you franchise
information if you're interested.

Oh, well, not right now.

And, um, I see that the
three of you are single,

so I take it that there would
be no women in the household.

Well, that's probably true.

Though you never know,

"The Face" could still
come through for us.

Uh... um,

maybe... maybe
you should tell me

a little bit about why
you'd like to have a child.

Well, we wanna
have a little someone

to show how to fish,

how to play ball,

how to spit into
the wind and duck.

I think I've got
enough information.

Thank you. We'll let you know.

When?

We was all prepared
to take him home today.

Well, I'm afraid that
won't be possible,

but I have your number,

and I'll call as
soon as we know.

You know already, don't ya?

You're not gonna
give us any baby.

For some strange reason,
you think we wouldn't

make good fathers.

But you're wrong.

Darryl and I'd make
perfect pappys.

I mean, a part of
us is kids ourselves,

but enough of us is
adults so you could trust us.

And I guarantee

he'd be enterin' a happy home.

How many little babies got
that goin' for 'em from the get-go?

Look, I appreciate
your feelings,

- but there are certain things...
- Please.

As you can see,
we'll beg if we have to.

Oh. Well...

Good morning, George.

I can't remember the last
time you missed breakfast.

I know. I had to stay up late
and watch the stupid news.

He, uh... He got you again, huh?

I was in my room

enjoying one of my
favorite Barnaby episodes:

Honeymoon with Death.

It's one of the later episodes

where Lee Meriwether's
wearing the more tailored clothes.

Anyway, I was just sitting
back, enjoying a soda

when one of those
teasers came on.

What, uh... What was it?

"Soda found
contaminated. Details at 11."

d*ck, the whole front
of my TV got schpritzed.

I had to stay up past my bedtime

to find out if I was
going to live or not.

Then it turned out that
the contaminated soda

was just somebody left
an open can out all night,

came back, and
found a bug in it.

I'm getting pretty
sick of those teasers.

Well, George, I... I don't
know what else you can do, uh,

except... giving
up Barnaby Jones.

Huh, it's easy for
you to say, d*ck.

You've got a wife.

Oh, no, it can't be.

Guys, does this mean the
agency gave you a child?

No, it means we just
bought out Dutch Masters.

Of course we got a kid.

Where... Where is it?

Outside somewhere.

Outside somewhere?

Oh, I know.

Can't wait to be
introduced, huh?

Okay, we'll go see if we
can find the little Dickens.

Well, they... they
seem to be doing a...

A great job of parenting so far.

It's a boy.

Well, what do you think?

He's... He's, uh...
He's... He's big.

Yep, 155 pounds, 3 ounces.

Well, you'd... better hope
he never needs burping.

His name's Ted.

Hi.

Hi, Ted.

Nice to meet you. I'm Joanna,
and this is my husband, d*ck.

Hi.

Or... Or should I say,
"goochie goochie goo?"

How old are you, Ted?

Almost 18.

I'll... I'll go with "hi".

I thought you were
going to adopt a baby?

Well, Ted was as
young as they'd give us.

For some reason,

they thought the fact that
he was legal next month

made him the
perfect choice for us.

The agency needed a bed and...

I thought it'd be nice
to finally go somewhere

I was really wanted.

Even if it was just for a month.

You'd... You'd think so.

Well... Congratulations
to all of you!

Well, we'd better get goin'.

We got a bassinet to reinforce.

Oh, and, uh, Ted,

we're here.

Night or day.

d*ck, Joanna, good news.

I just finished watching
Barnaby Jones,

and I'm going right to bed.

That is good news, George.

So the teaser for
the 11 o'clock report

didn't grab you tonight?

Not a bit. I couldn't care less.

What was it, George?

Oh, something like, uh,

"Beautiful town
socialite elopes."

Stephanie!

Michael! What is it?

Oh, Stephanie,
thank God you're here.

Wait... Wait... Wait a minute.

Oh, phew. No rice.

Michael! You mussed me!

Oh, I'm sorry, Steph.

I'm just so glad to see you.

Watch a little TV
tonight, Michael?

Maybe see a news
teaser that said,

"Beautiful town
socialite elopes?"

Michael, is that
why you're here?

You thought that was me?

Do you think if it'd been me,

they would've stopped
at just "beautiful"?

I'm sorry, Steph.
I... I just reacted.

I was in the midst of
my creaming regimen.

Now I have to
start all over again.

Next time you have
a crisis, call first?

Well, Michael,

I guess maybe you've
learned your lesson

about those news teasers.

I sure have.

They're even more
powerful than I thought.

It's gotta be one of the
best promotional tools ever.

I've got a great idea
I'm gonna tell the guys

for tomorrow's teaser.

"GM cars recalled."

Then we just show these people,
you know, remembering their cars.

This is great!

Well, George, at
least you don't have to

stay up tomorrow night.

Yes, I do.

Why?

I really like to listen to
people talk about their cars.

Hi.

It's the dads.

With tons of
pictures to show you

of our new son.

Here he is watchin'
Darryl make breakfast.

Here he is coverin' his
ears as Darryl eats breakfast.

So how's it been, being fathers?

Just like we dreamed.

Although, there have
been a few drawbacks.

He don't want anything to do

with all those
Pampers we stockpiled.

They don't ride up
like those jockeys,

do they, Darryl?

And Darryl and me
had a big argument

over whether to name him

Larry Junior, Darryl
Junior, or Darryl Junior.

And Ted seems to be
resistin' any change.

Well, you know teenagers.

Tell me about it.

We've found havin'
a teen in the house

can be kind of tough.

I mean, the loud music,
the constant partyin';

he don't like it much.

But you wanna know
the biggest drawback?

He's only ours for three weeks.

I mean, how are we
supposed to do everything

a father's supposed
to do in three weeks?

Besides, the shorter he stays,

the longer we're gonna miss him.

You know, Larry,

things in life are... are
gone be... before you know it.

You mean like blank paper
in Stephen King's house?

Exactly.

And, uh, sometimes
all you can do is

make the most of... of the
time you have with someone.

And that's what I think you...

You should do with Ted.

Hm. Darryl?

Darryl thinks you're
wise beyond your years.

Well...

And Darryl thinks you like
the sound of your own voice.

Either way, we're goin' for it.

We're gonna jam pack
18 years of fatherhood

into three weeks.

Come on, Darryl.

Let's go find Larry Junior.

Darn, I thought
I could slip it by.

Come on, Ted,
finish up your dinner.

We got other things to do.

Do I really have to finish this?

Ted, porcupine is one of
nature's most perfect foods.

It's tasty, and
when you're done,

there's quills to
pick your teeth with.

Darryl.

I knew you'd be
the one to spoil him.

Well, come on, then.

We got some parental
cramming to do.

Let's start with a traditional
father/son bonding ritual,

playin' ball.

It's okay, Darryl.

You're a good
father in other ways.

Okay, measurin' time.

Oh, not again.

Guys, I'm not
getting any taller.

Let's let the door-jamb decide.

Same as before.

Wait, maybe you...
You should check again.

Look at that.

He's growed that much.

Don't be picky,
Darryl. We'll take it.

Okay, now, facts of life talk.

Oh, that's okay.

I think I got this one covered.

Ted, this is an important
moment between fathers and son.

Now, since we have
to cram all this in,

we'll give you the
condensed version.

Girls:

watch out for 'em.

Okay, here's some
crayons and paper.

We're lookin' for something
to put up on the refrigerator.

Hi. Ted, am I early?

Oh, uh, a little
bit, but that's okay.

Uh, Liz, this is
my father Larry,

this is my father Darryl,

and this is my
other father Darryl.

This is Liz. She...
She's in my history class.

Hi.

I... I've got a date tonight.

We're guessin' with her?

Yeah.

Perfect timin' on that
facts of life talk, Darryl.

Could we have a talk with her?

Sure.

You're not plannin'
on chewin' him up

and spitting him out, are ya?

Uh, no.

She seems nice.

Well, great. Uh, what
time do I have to be home?

Oh, we don't have
to decide that now.

What do you mean?

You don't think
we're gonna miss out

on our son's first date, do ya?

Uh, hi.

Hi, Ted.

You know, this is the
first time I've ever seen you

without your fathers.

Yeah. How... How did...

How did you manage to duck 'em?

I ran away from home.

Uh, there's no
shortage of reasons

why someone would wanna
get away from there, but, uh...

just out of curiosity, uh,

which one did you pick?

I... I know this is
gonna sound weird,

but they pay too
much attention to me.

I mean, in all the foster
homes I've lived in,

I've never had this
problem before.

I mean, yesterday,
I sneezed once,

and suddenly I was
covered with Vicks.

Sounds like they really
care about you, Ted.

I... I know they do,
and I like them too.

It's just been a little
too much for me.

Can I stay here?

Sure.

Thanks.

Can I have something to eat?

You know, something
that's been inspected?

Sure, we've got something
wrapped and everything.

Come on.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

Ted's run away from home.

Here's a picture and
description you can use

without the consent of
Major League Baseball.

We, uh... We...
We don't need this.

Oh. He's already
on the milk carton?

No. He's... He's... He's here.

Really?

Hi.

Ted, are you okay?

You got that nasty cold.
You shouldn't be out.

I... I'm okay.

Ted, we respect
your right to run away,

but maybe you could just
tell us what we done wrong

so we won't always be wonderin'.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Well, we must'a done somethin'.

No. It... It... It just
isn't fair to you.

I mean, I'm only
here for a... a month,

and you guys have
a whole lifetime

of caring to give a son.

I just couldn't take
all that all at once.

It's not your fault.

You're right.

It's his.

What?

Well, weren't you
the one that told us

to make the most out of
the time we had with Ted?

Well, uh, yeah, but I...

Do you get some sort
of perverted pleasure

out of trying to ruin our lives?

Ted, would you give
us another chance

if we promise to follow
our own instincts?

I don't think I'll
be needing this.

But before we go,

something I gotta tell ya.

I know you're not
gonna like it much,

but... I've been
accepted at Yale.

Ted, that's wonderful!

Why... Why wouldn't
they like that?

'Cause he knows
it dashes our hopes

of him becomin' a drifter.

I hope you're not
too disappointed.

Not too much.

I mean, Yale is our alma mater.

Uh, uh, excu... uh, excuse me?

Yeah, we janitored
there one summer.

Ted, we know you
gotta go off on your own

like you should,

but there's just one
thing we gotta know.

Will we ever see ya again?

Of course you will.

You're my dads.

Let's go home.

You know, they grow up so fast.

I mean, one minute they're
just comin' into your life,

and then it just seems
like a couple of weeks later,

they're goin' off to college.

Larry,

this is only a couple
of weeks later.

Oh, yeah.

Well, still, it's all I can do

to keep from breakin'
into a chorus of

"Sunrise, Sunset."

Wait, I know.

Darryl, what do you say
we have another one?

Meow.
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