06x14 - A Friendship That Will Last a Lunchtime

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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06x14 - A Friendship That Will Last a Lunchtime

Post by bunniefuu »

Hi.

I'm The Amazing Larry,

this is my Stupefying
Brother Darryl,

and this my other
Stupefying Brother Darryl.

Is... is it just me or is
that intro getting longer?

We're just doing the
traditional magician's practice

of putting a colorful
adjective before our names.

Oh, great.

They're... they're
magicians now.

Oh, boy! I love magic!

In our never-ending dream
to lure the elusive customer,

we've decided to offer
magic with every meal.

We thought to
sharpen our skills,

we'd try some illusions
out on you folks.

First, the simple but
classic bloody finger in a box.

Open it.

Larry, you... you did
say it's an illusion?

After a heated debate,

we decided that
was the way to go.

We feel this will stimulate
the sales of finger foods.

I don't think so, guys.

Really?

Well, we are
working on a dove act.

We haven't learned
any tricks yet,

but we sure enjoy
stuffin' birds in our clothes.

Hey, who doesn't?

Come on, Darryl. Let's go
outside and give 'em some air.

Mine are gettin' fidgety.

Gee, now I'm going
to be up all night,

figuring out how they did
that finger in the box thing.

Hola, Loudons.

Bonita senorita.

Your numero uno
hombre esta aqui.

Maybe I could tip off
Immigration about him.

Uh, while we're waiting for
Steph to perfect her puss,

answer me this
hypothetical query.

If I were really in the
lurch, back to wall situation,

and gave you ample notice,

could I bring someone
from the station

over for dinner?

I guess so, with ample notice.

That's nice.

How's five minutes?

What?

I'm in a bind.

Steph's been all over me
because I haven't seen much

of her lately,

but I also schedded
a dinner meeting

with one of the
station's bigger stars.

And instead of letting my
innocent cupcake down

and enduring God
knows what punishment...

I thought, you know,
why not combine the two

and have dinner right here?

How 'bout because
I hate the idea?

Oh, really?

Well, I think you'll
change your tune

when you hear who the star is.

Your old friend and
cohostess, Buffy Denver.

Buffy Denver?

The... the happy
time weather girl

that... that almost destroyed
my television career?

Okay, Michael, let's go.

I, uh, I have a super
surprise for supper, Cuppers.

We're staying here
and having dinner

with Buffy Denver.

Ew!

I hate her.

You know, I'm starting to
sense a few holes in this plan.

But I'd appreciate it

if you'd all change
your attitudes,

especially since Buff's
coming up the walk.

Honey, I'm, uh...

I'm going to hide under
the registration desk

for the evening.

Michael! Dicky!

Oh! Oh, it's really, really
great to see you again!

I mean, we have been working

at the same station
for over a year,

and we never see each other!

Have you been avoiding me?

Honey, next time I wanna hide
under the desk, don't stop me.

So, Dicky, introduce me
to all your pretty people.

Right.

This, uh... This is
my wife, Joanna.

Hi, Joey.

It's so incredibly
nice to meet you.

Your husband is such
a major dream machine.

And this is my megalove,
Stephanie Vanderkellen.

Hi.

She is so incredibly,
phantasmically gorgeous!

And I love what you're wearing!

I mean, is she perfect, or what?

Actually, she's not
as bad as I thought.

So, Buffy, how are you
enjoying your On the Town show?

Oh, it's just so
incredibly fantastic.

My favorite is when
I'm covering stories

that I actually
understand, you know?

So it's not just a bunch
of meaningless words.

So, Dicky, when are we gonna
work together again? Huh?

Huh?

Primo notion.

I think with the right
concept, you two...

But scheduling
makes it impossible.

Well, enough, uh,
idle yackity-yackita.

Let's discuss some bizwax.

Now, Buff, you said
you had some new

- creative ideas for the show?
- Yes, Michael.

Now, you know I'm very concerned
about the quality of the show,

and I think a great way to
raise the quality of the show

would be to raise the
quality of my outfits.

You know, I don't usually
get involved in business stuff,

but that makes total sense.

Thank you!

See, the station
should be buying me

the kind of gorgeous
stuff she has.

Where did you get that?

Well, you can't find
anything decent around here

within a 63 mile radius.

Tell me about it.

Well, I'm done.

You know, I bet with
your fantastic taste,

you could really help
me improve my look.

Oh, don't be silly.
Of course I could.

I would give just anything
to see your closet.

Okay, but it'll take days.

Terrif! I've got days!

You know, I... I think you two
would have a... a lot more fun

outside that 63 mile radius.

Come on.

Let's start going through
my winter wools right now.

Oh, this is turning
out to be the most

incredibly, fantastic night!

I'm sorry to rush off, Dicky,

but it sounds like
we'll be seeing

a lot more of each other anyway.

Bye.

I'll get you for this.

d*ck?

I'm just making sure the roo...
The room is... is Buffy-free.

I'm all out of
inane conversation.

She's upstairs with Stephanie.

Listen, honey,

I know she's been
around a lot lately,

but you don't have to hide.

Honey, it's self-preservation.

I mean, all that giggling and...

And endless, uh, cutesy
talk about makeup and...

And fabric and colors.

I mean, I'm... I'm
losing brain cells here.

Honey, while... while...
while we have a minute alone,

let's... let's talk smart.

Um, how... how... how
'bout that Tolstoy, huh?

Dicky!

I have been having the most
fantastically, wonderful time!

I mean, Stephanie is the
most incredibly amazing person.

Oh, stop it. They know.

So are... are you two
going out for a while?

There's a... there's
a whole wacky town

waitin' for ya out there.

No. First, we're gonna
get something to eat,

and then Buffy's
gonna make me up,

and then I'm gonna make her up,

and then we're going to
moisturize and do it all again.

Until it gets dark.

See ya!

It's the pajama
party that never ends.

Hi. I'm Siegfried,
this is my brother Roy,

and this is my
other brother Roy.

Guys, I... I hate to be
the one to tell you this,

but there... there already
is a Siegfried and Roy.

We know.

But we're Siegfried
and Roy and Roy.

Oh, boy! More magic!

For this one, we'll need a
volunteer from the audience.

I volunteer d*ck.

What?

Please, d*ck.

I'd volunteer myself, but I
don't wanna miss this. Come on.

Well, with... with Buffy here,
how much worse could this be?

Now, we have never
met before. Correct?

Larry, just get on with it.

I will now attempt to
saw this man in half.

Neat!

La... Larry! Larry, you've
done this trick before, right?

There's a trick?

George, get me out of here!

No need to panic.

Darryl here is packin'
plenty of Mercurochrome.

George!

Too bad.

This really throws off
our rehearsal schedule.

We planned to perfect
the sawin' in half this week

and then work on the puttin'
back together next week.

"I volunteer d*ck."

Sorry.

They just seemed so
darned professional.

Well, you're all dressed up.

Buffy and I are going
to a nice restaurant

for lunch.

We're going to point
out what's wrong

with what other
people are wearing.

Whoever finds the
most faults gets treated.

You two seem to
have gotten really close.

Joanna, Buffy's totally
obsessed with her appearance.

She spends every cent
she makes on clothes,

hours a day on her face,

I mean, she's the
first normal person

I've met in Vermont.

It's so nice to finally
have someone I can have

a girl-to-girl chat with.

Well, I was always here.

Ah.

That's sweet, Joanna.

But I always felt that
it was a burden for you

to have to reach so
far back in your memory

to try to understand
what a girl my age

was going through.

Speak up, child.

My hearing isn't
what it used to be.

Now, Joanna, don't be jealous.

There are negatives with Buffy.

Like when we get
dressed up like this,

there's always a slight danger

that she might look
almost as good as I do.

But I still like her enough to
have bought her something.

You bought something
for someone else?

I must have wrapped and
unwrapped it a dozen times.

Until you got it perfect?

Until I decided not
to keep it for myself.

I realized I felt strongly
enough about Buffy

to make the sacrifice.

Hi, everybody, it's me!

Oh, Stephie, you look
really, really terrific.

And you look even better.

Well, I'll just get my
coat and then we can go.

And then I have
a surprise for you

that was so
incredibly nice of me.

Stephie, you're never
gonna believe this,

but right before I left,

I got a call from a girlfriend
that I haven't seen in, like, days,

and she invited me

to some kind of
party this afternoon

that sounded like
really, really, really

a lot of fun, so I said yes.

What?

You mean you're cancelling?

On me?

Yeah, but we'll do
this restaurant thing

real, real, real, real soon.

Promise.

But I'm late.

Huggies! Ooh!

Bye!

But I even bought you...

Uh...

you, uh... you can...
You can make fun of,

you know, of what...
What we're wearing.

This is the worst,

most horrible feeling
I've ever had in my life.

I think I'm going to die.

No, it's okay.

I think I'm over the worst part.

Is that what they call...

"being stood up?"

That phrase could apply.

Oh, my God.

You hear about it
happening to other people,

you even do it to other people,

but you never think it's
going to happen to you.

I wonder if the others
I've stood up in my past

felt as badly as this.

Oh, that's silly.

No one's as sensitive as I am.

This really hurts.

Even knowing I
get to keep the gift

doesn't help.

How could she do this?

I mean, have you ever met
anyone so selfish and shallow?

I'm, uh... I'm... I'm a blank.

Uh, d*ck, here's the invoice...

Michael, I've been stood up!

Oh, my God!

Steph, are you going to die?

It was, uh, touch and
go there for a while, but...

I think she's over
the worst of it.

Oh, thank goodness.

Can you believe that Buffer!

Michael, take me upstairs.

I think this is
going to lay me up

for quite a while.

Steph, do you think you and Buff

will ever be able to be
friends again after this?

Michael, I've been
thinking about that,

and the same phrase
keeps repeating itself

over and over again in my mind,

"No way in hell."

Hi. I'm Larry.

- This is my brother Darryl and...
- What...?

What happened to the
fancy magician adjectives?

Well, we decided
to hang up the ol'...

whatever it is that magicians
hang up when they quit.

Why... why... why the
change of heart, guys?

Well, we were doing
the breakfast show

for some customers,

and Darryl went
a little too heavy

on the flash powder.

We found it doesn't take much

to make your cheaper
lady's wigs go up

like that.

We tried to tell Mrs.
Epstein that blonde

with charcoal streaks
of black was stylish,

but she didn't wanna
be reasoned with.

She just wanted to be put out.

We parted on good terms, though.

We gave her 20
dollars, so she could buy

an even nicer wig.

Wow, for that... for that
kind of money, you won't...

You won't be able to see the...

The cloth through
the hair anymore.

Now we gotta think up
other non-combustible ways

to increase business.

Too bad, too. Just when
we were gettin' good.

Dicky!

Uh, Buffy.

How are you?

I... I was fine.

What, uh... what...
What are you doing here?

I'm here to see Stephie,
silly. We have a lunch date.

Oh, hi, Buffy.

Listen, I know you
came all this way,

but I just got a call
from a friend of mine

who's just dying to
see me this afternoon

so I said yes.

But I promise we'll do
this lunch thing again

real, real, real, real
soon. Huggies! Bye!

Oh, okay, Stephie.
Have a good time!

You do realize I'm cancelling
a planned lunch with you

without any notice?

Uh-huh. Have fun!

Pretty devastating, huh?

What?

Well, you know, because...

Well, just never mind.

Well, this leaves me

with a whole amazing
afternoon free!

Oh, good... good for you.

I know! I'll spend
it with Dicky!

Wh... Uh, what?

We can reminisce
about all the fun

we had together last year!

You better start.

I'm kinda fuzzy on
anything that happened

over three months ago.

No, uh... Let... Let's
go see Stephanie.

- But she has a lunch date.
- No... No, she doesn't.

And... and... and
you talk to her.

Just talk to anyone...
Anybody but me.

d*ck! What are you doing here?

I have to get ready

for my very
important lunch date.

See? I told you.

Stephanie doesn't
have a lunch date.

Do so!

Traitor.

Look, I'm the last one

to try to patch up
this relationship,

but... but now she's after me.

I... I... I... I want you
two to... to make up.

He wants to watch
while we put on makeup?

Is Dicky some
kind of freakazoid?

I'm not a freakazoid.

I want you to make
up with each other.

But we're not mad.

Stephanie is. At you.

Come on.

She is, because you...
You stood her up yesterday.

But I had a better offer.

But that isn't polite and...
And... and you hurt her.

She stood you up today,

because you stood
her up yesterday,

and she wanted to make you
feel the same pain that she felt.

So when she cancelled our lunch,

she was trying to
make me feel bad.

Exactly.

Hey, that's really mean!

Good, it worked.

It doesn't matter
that it worked.

What matters is
that you two are...

Are back together again.

What am I talking about?

I don't want to get
back together with her.

She's insensitive.

And she pulls mean,
hard-to-understand tricks.

But... but... but part of
friendship is accepting

each other's faults.

I mean, uh, neither
of you is perfect.

- What?
- What?

Well, I mean, you...
You could be a...

A little... Little
more considerate.

You are yelling at me.

All... al... al right, all
right, take... take it easy.

You... you're not the only...

You're not the only
one at fault here.

And... and Stephanie can be
a... a little too de... demanding.

Well, thank you very much, d*ck.

Great.

Stereo!

Oh.

Oh, Buffy.

Don't cry.

I... I don't think you're
as bad as d*ck says.

And I don't think you're
as bad as d*ck says.

Well, d*ck's always
so critical of everyone.

Well, does this mean
we can still be friends?

Maybe.

I guess it's not that bad
that you're insensitive.

Besides, I think I'm
probably superior enough

to tolerate your
lack of inner depth.

Thank you, Stephie.

I didn't understand the
words, but the tone was sweet.

Maybe our problem was...

we were spending
too much time together.

Uh, especially
here at... At the inn.

I have been starting
to miss Michael.

Well, I hope we can
work something out,

because I think you're
really, really terrific.

You see?

There are so many
things about you I like.

Well, I guess the
burden does fall on

the more advanced
and developed of us

to overlook the
shortcomings of others.

Besides, who am I
to deprive you of me?

Oh.

Oh, Stephie.

I just think I've
found a friend for life.

Oh!

Oh, my God. What have I done?

d*ck, could we have
some privacy, please?

See? I told you
he likes watching.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

I wonder if I could
have George...

seal up this door forever.

Meow.
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