06x18 - Attention WPIV Shoppers

[bunniefuu]

Hi, George.

Why... why the long face?

Well, I know this is gonna
sound kinda silly coming from me,

but I'm homesick.

George, you... you
grew up in this house.

How... how can you...

How... how can you be homesick
when... when you're home?

Yeah, this inn is virtually
the same as it was

when you were a kid.

Except, uh, for you
two being around.

Well, you... you want
us to leave the room?

No. No, I just feel
kind of nostalgic.

I miss sledding
down Bleeker's Hill

on my flexible flyer.

I miss the smell of
my dog after a rain,

and I miss my mom's
special home-made pudding.

Well, there are four
houses at the bottom

of Bleeker's Hill now and...

since we don't really
wanna smell a wet dog,

why don't I try to make
you that special pudding?

Really?

Sure. What's the name of it?

George's Favorite Pudding.

Well, that's what
my mom called it.

It was also called
Indian Pudding.

I remember, because whenever
my mom asked if I wanted any,

I'd always say,

"And how."

Well, it cracked my mom up.

George, I'm gonna
look in my cookbooks,

find the recipe
for Indian Pudding

and whip up a batch for you.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, you'd do that for him?

Remember last week when I...

I asked you to make me
some... Some Yankee pot roast?

Well, yes, d*ck, but this
isn't three in the morning.

Besides, this sounds like fun.

Boy, I really used
to love that stuff.

I ate a bowl of it every
day until I got sick of it,

and after only 40 years,
the craving is back.

Well, if you want me,
I'll be in the kitchen,

stirring up some memories.

G... uh, George,
when she comes back,

would you also tell her

you have a craving
for Yankee pot roast?

I think she'll see right
through that one, d*ck.

Hey, d*ck. Look at
us. Notice anything?

We look even happier than usual!

And here's why.

I've come up with
a great new idea

for a TV series.

How 'bout a home shopping show?

Michael, I... I don't know
how to break this to you,

but there already
are quite a few

home shopping shows.

d*ck, where do you
expect me to get my ideas?

Make them up?

But this one is unique,

because it would be
starring one of the most

exciting personalities

to ever push a painting
of poker-playing pooches.

My little muffin,

Stephanie Van... as in Vanna

derkellen.

Pretty exciting, huh, d*ck?

I... I definitely felt a chill.

It's the job she was born to do.

Her total lack of
marketable skills

makes her a natural.

It's perfect.

The combination
of me and shopping.

Is God involved or what?

When... when does this
whole incredible thing kick off?

As soon as we get
you to agree to do it.

A... Agree to do what?

To co-host the show.

We have an absolute
go-ahead from Bev,

pending an okay from you,

and, as I recall,
not two minutes ago,

the idea gave you chills?

No.

Talk about wild mood swings.

Michael, I wanna do
this very, very, very badly.

d*ck, you heard
her. Three verys.

Michael, I hate home
shopping shows.

d*ck, let me get this straight.

Just because you hate something,

does this mean you
won't take money to do it?

Yes.

How do you talk to
somebody like that?

Hi, d*ck.

Hi. Hi, Stephanie.

I bet you're wondering
what brings me

into your dreary little
study on a nice day like this

when I don't have to be here.

No, actually,

I have a pretty good idea
of why you came in here.

You know, your penholder
is a little far away.

Let me move it for you.

Thanks, Stephanie.

I also moved the penholder
on the registration desk

closer to where
you usually stand.

Now, will you do the
shopping show with me?

No.

After I did all those
favors for you!

d*ck, you've got to do it.

Never in my life have I ever
been refused anything before.

I might die.

Well, I'm... I'm up
to tempting fate.

I'd hoped it wouldn't
come to this, but...

as your employee, I am...

Saddened to announce

that unless you co-host
the show with me,

I'm going to be forced to
initiate a work slowdown.

Oh, I'm... I'm
sorry to hear that.

Let me know when it starts.

d*ck?

I want a home shopping show.

Nice performance, Steph.

d*ck, it would mean a lot to me.

I don't let many people

see me sobbing gently this way.

I, uh... I appreciate
that and... And I'm sorry.

All right, d*ck, I'm
through toying with you.

You're forcing
me to fight dirty.

Please, d*ck.

Well, okay.

How did she do that?

So, d*ck, the key
here is to adlib.

Just say wonderful
things about the product

until the phone goes nuts.

Just have fun with it.

Michael.

Here, watch while I
practice pointing at items.

Wow, Steph!

You're my magic muffin!

Okay, kids. Places.
In three, two...

You're shopping at home
Isn't it fun all by yourself?

You're shopping at home
Isn't it fun with no one else?

Shopping, shopping

Shop, shop, shop, shop, shop!

Hi, I'm, uh...

I'm... I'm d*ck Loudon.

And I'm Stephanie Vanderkellen,

and I hope everyone is ready
to shop their brains out today.

So let's get right to
our fabulous first item.

Oh, uh...

The, uh, the ceramic,
uh, unicorn lamp.

Uh, as you can see,
it's... it's perfect for,

uh... for having
something to, uh...

To turn on, you know,
when you walk in... into a...

in... into a dark...
Uh, dark room.

See, uh, on.

Off.

On.

Off.

So, you know, call in now
and... And order one if you...

You... you think you
might conceivably want one.

So while we, uh...

While we wait for
those calls, here's...

Here's Stephanie with...
with... With another value.

That's right, d*ck.

It's this one-piece
plastic chip and dip platter

which is called the Globetrotter

because it has all
these tacky little sailboats

stencilled on it.

It's probably just perfect

for the kind of people

who would watch
a show like this.

And here's the best part.

It's only $9.88.

Even you poor
people can afford one.

Ah!

Hi, you're shopping
your brains out

with Stephanie Vanderkellen.

Hi. I'm Monty from Burlington.

You're a very cute girl.

I'll take one of those platters.

Aw, only one, Monty?

Oh, uh, okay. I'll take, uh, 10.

Terrific!

Uh, while I deal
with the flood of calls,

here's d*ck with our next item.

Thanks. Thanks,
Steph... Uh, Stephanie.

Uh, the next...

The next item is... is this, um,

stunning, uh, gorilla pin.

As... as you can see,
the, uh... The eyes and...

And the nostrils are
clusters of something called,

uh, cylindric diamicron.

It's, uh... it's really...

It's, uh...

You, uh... you
could wear this to...

So, you know, if it's... If
it's something you want,

I guess, uh...

I guess you
might... Might as well

phone right in.

Uh, d*ck, can I interrupt
here for a moment?

I'm getting to all your
calls for the chip and dips

as fast as I can.

Please be patient.

Well, all, uh... All
my lines are open.

Remember, it's... it's genuine

cylindric, uh, diamacron.

That's, uh, almost
as rare as glass.

Our producer, Michael,
asked me to take a pass

at this unicorn lamp.

Okay.

I'll admit, it's a little gaudy,

but believe me, a lot of you
who are watching right now

have more than your share
of gaudy items in your home.

And I really don't think
that buying one more

is going to k*ll you.

I bet the light will
reflect really nicely

off those polyester slipcovers.

Watch me as I pose with it

in a variety of
interesting ways.

Yes, you're...
you're on the air.

Hi. Can I speak to the girl?

Sure.

It's... it's for you.

Yes, who's this?

Ken from Montpelier.

Hi, Ken, do you like
the pose I'm doing?

I sure do.

In fact, I'll take four lamps.

Four?

Okay, a dozen.

You, uh... you need any
gorill... Gorilla pins today, Ken?

What does the girl
think? Does she like 'em?

Sure. They're okay.

Fine. I'll take two.

Great. Great. They're...
They're terrific, aren't they?

Make that one.

What are you reading?

A book on salesmanship.

Well, it obviously worked.
You bought one, didn't you?

Oh, come on, d*ck.

You're taking this whole
thing much too seriously.

Just because Stephanie
sold more unicorn lamps

than you did?

And more gold chains.

And more party canisters.

And more gorilla pins.

I mean, that's what really hurt,
the stupid, stupid gorilla pins.

d*ck, you never even
wanted to be a salesman.

Yeah, but I wanted to be

an ineffectual
salesman even less.

You... you know, I...
I've been looking at that...

That loudmouth guy
on television that...

That does the stereo ads.

Uh, Loonie... Loonie Lenny.

I've started looking at him,
uh, with a new set of eyes.

He is damned good.

Hi, George. Guess what?

I have a batch of
something special for you.

- The pudding?
- Uh... huh.

Wow, this is so exciting.

d*ck, do you mind if
I sit in the exact place

I sat as a kid?

Fine with me, George.

You're in it, d*ck.

Oh...

Gee, this feels good.

I've been missing
this spot all the years

you've been hogging it.

Here you go, George.

Oh! Thanks.

- It smells just right.
- Great.

Joanna, this is
absolutely delicious.

Oh, good! I can't tell
you how relieved I am.

Yeah. I've never
tasted anything like it!

Huh?

Yeah, it's nothing like the
pudding my mom made.

Well, that's okay, George.
I only made the one vat.

Aw, don't feel bad, Joanna.

It's... it's almost
exactly like it,

it's just that
yours is too thick,

too maple-walnutty,
needs more vanilla,

and I don't remember
this aftertaste.

You can have your
seat back now, d*ck.

George, don't you worry.

I am not gonna rest

until I make that exact
pudding that you had as a boy.

Well, I'm never gonna
get my Yankee pot roast.

Don't worry, d*ck.

It probably won't taste like
you were expecting anyway.

Congratulations, d*ck.

For... for what?

For being part of the
most entertaining show

to hit the Vermont area

since Miss Teenage
Vermont lost a strap.

The station is thrilled
and everywhere we go,

people on the street
are smiling and waving

at my little selling sweetie.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

Miss Stephanie,

we always enjoy
everything that you do,

but you were never more
stunning than in your TV debut.

You made us laugh,
you made us cry,

you made us buy about a
ton of cylindric diamacron.

May we present for your
mid-morning pleasure,

our impressions of
the constellations.

First, the Big Dipper.

Next: the Little Dipper.

That's, uh, very nice, fellas,

but Steph and I have
to be going... now.

Michael, let's call
up a nice restaurant

and use my new celebrity status

to bump somebody

who already has a reservation.

Okay.

Big finish.

Darryl, sh**ting stars!

d*ck, here's your breakfast.

Pudding.

I, uh... I guess there's
no problem if I...

I wanna have some more of this.

You're not still reading that?

Honey, it can't hurt to brush up
on some... some sales techniques

that, you know, could
help me on the show

and in... in everyday life.

Right.

Just don't become
obsessed with this.

Oops.

Time for another Loonie
Lenny commercial!

So how's my on
camera cutie today?

Michael, people came up to me
while I was buying cream rinse.

But, Steph, you like
that. They're your fans.

But now everybody
thinks they can talk to me.

Michael, farmers talk to me.

When I go on the air today,

I'm going to make
an announcement

that only pleasant-looking
people can come up to me.

Uh, Steph, this is just a guess,

but I think that
could affect sales.

But we can talk about this
later, it's... it's just a minute to air.

I'm tired.

Could we do the
show later today?

Sorry, Steph, no
can change schedule.

Hey, hey, how's everybody doin'?

Bring on those
chip n' dip platters.

Whoa! What is this?

I don't know what
it is, but I love it,

and I can sell a million of 'em.

Ew, Michael, yuck.
Let d*ck go first.

Uh, d*ck, I guess you...

You've seen your first item.

Seen it and loved it, pal.

Let's play ball.

You're shopping at
home Shopping, shopping

Shop, shop, shop, shop, shop Hi!

And welcome to
Vermont's first and only

home shopping show and me?

I'm Strange Dicky Loudon.

And why am I strange?

Well, wait until
you see my prices.

You're not only gonna
think I'm strange,

you're gonna
think I'm psychotic.

Let's take a look
at our first item,

this metallically-decorated
plastic ball

will turn any ordinary gathering

into the gallivant of a lifetime

and that's not all!

This ball is completely
studded with genuine

cylindric diamacron!

I'm talkin' enough
cylindric diamacron

to choke a horse

or to make a horse a chocker!

Now,

you have seen...

this disco ball...

advertised for as
much... as $29.95,

but Dicky Loudon
says that price is all wet!

O... Okay...

Excuse me, d*ck.

Hey, everyone! Look who's here!

It's that wacky babe
of home shopping,

Miss Stephanie Vanderkellen.

Give her a hand!

Hi. I wasn't going to say this,

because I know how
much our viewers enjoy me

and how I mean the world
to them and everything,

but I really can't
go on doing this.

I mean, I'm bored
of selling these things

and besides, it's not fair
to make me touch them.

It's probably a good idea
for me to quit the show

before I start to
lose my good taste.

I mean, look what
happened to this man.

That's all. Good bye. Love ya.

Well, she's gone, but I'm back!

We've got a lot of great
values for you today.

People say to me,

"Dickie Loudon, how
do you get away with it?

How do you make a profit

with some of the
prices you charge?

Are you deranged? Are you nuts?"

And I tell 'em, "Yeah!"

Why else would I sell...

Sell you this confederate
soldier cookie jar

with his wooden leg
studded with the miracle

of cylindrical diamacron
for only $19.95?

You heard me correctly, $19.95!

Uh, excuse me, d*ck,

I have to interrupt
here for a second.

Michael, you don't
interrupt a crazy man

when he's got rebel
cookie jars to sell!

I... I... I'm sorry, d*ck,

but the show has been cancelled.

But why?

But... but why?

Well, d*ck, we
have to be realistic.

Without Stephanie,
there's no show.

Um, Michael, I think...

I think Strange Dicky Loudon
is really catch... catching on.

We now switch to a
rerun of Pearl's Kitchen

with her omelet
already in progress.

Michael, I... I
can't believe you.

You... you talk me into...
To doing a show that I hate,

and then I get excited
about it and then you...

You yank it away from me.

Well, I... I tell you what,
d*ck, just so we're all square.

The, uh... the disco
ball, it's all yours.

Now... now that it's all over,

I... I know I should
feel re-relieved, but...

I don't know, somehow
I feel like I've...

I've... I've failed.

Well, you did fail, d*ck.

That might
account for part of it.

Who would I talk to
about the fact that...

That the horn is coming
loose on my unicorn lamp?

Here you go, George.
Batch number five.

By the way, I'm sorry about that

force-feeding episode
with batch number four.

The color looks right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got the color right
three batches ago.

Just eat.

Wow!

Joanna, this is it!

Really?

There's no
mistaking that flavor!

This is it exactly!

Oh, I did it! I did it!

Yep, you sure did.
That's Mom's pudding.

Oh!

And I'm still sick of it.

Meow.