06x22 - Newsstruck

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, George.

Oh. Hi.

George, are you okay?

Yeah.

Except I've just made one

of the most difficult
decisions of my life.

d*ck, Joanna,

I'm giving up on the Red Sox.

Oh, I... I thought you were
gonna go back to wearing

those regular jeans.

The Red Sox haven't won
the World Series since 1918.

They lost the World
Series in 1946 to St. Louis,

in 1967 to St. Louis,

in 1975 to Cincinnati,
and in 1986...

to the Mets.

I'm sorry.

It's still hard for me
to talk about that one.

It was the, uh... 6th game
of the World Series and the...

The Red Sox were
ahead by two runs

with two out in the
bottom of the 9th,

and nobody on and then the...

Then the Mets scored
three runs on three hits,

two errors and a wild
pitch and went on to...

To win the Series.

Thanks for making
me relive it, d*ck.

Sorry, George.

Well, they're not going
to do it to me again.

When spring training
starts in a week,

I'm no longer going
to be a Red Sox fan.

Well, you can say that, George,
but I don't... I don't think it's...

You're gonna be
able to do it that easily.

Oh, no?

I'm going up to
my room right now

to take the cap off my bedpost.

Wow, he is serious.

Hi, D, J, spin any
good platters recently?

I'm going back to bed.

Stay right where
you are, kemo sabe,

and kemo sabette.

I've got news about the news.

The WPIV news
producer is leaving,

and guess who Bev
has asked to fill in?

Oh, no.

Don't worry, d*ck. It's me.

Michael, you're going
to produce the news?

Does that surprise you?

Well, I was hoping they'd...
They'd find someone who'd...

Who'd actually
watched the news once.

Michael!

Steph! Oh! I've got news.

Well, if I hadn't
done it, he would've.

You're looking at
the new producer

of the WPIV news.

Oh, Michael, you've
been demoted.

No, it's like an honor.

Michael, an honor is supposed
to involve something shiny.

Besides, what do you
know about the news?

You don't know anything, do you?

Well, no.

Oh, good. Let's
keep it that way.

I don't want you
cluttering your mind

with anything other than me.

Aw, Steph.

What if I produce the news
but don't pay any attention?

That's my Michael!

Well, I'd better get going.

The WPIV action news needs me.

Michael, it... It's
called the news.

It doesn't have one of
those silly catch names.

It does now.

Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me, everybody.

May I have your attention?

I'm your new producer,
Michael Harris.

So what's news?

I'm Jim Vernon, news editor.

This is Bruce Paisner,
our news writer.

Tape editor's Mike
Wilcox. Pete Dexter,

and I'm sure you
know the on-air people

from watching the program.

Why don't you just
introduce them for fun?

Ted Singer, Leslee
Cooper, and Jerry Zaks.

Nice... nice to meet you all.

Except him in the back,
I'm not too sure about.

Look, uh, I know when
somebody new comes in,

people are always
concerned there are gonna be

a lot of changes.

Well, I don't want you
to worry about that.

There are gonna
be a lot of changes,

I just don't want you
to worry about them.

Now... now, the first change

is you're not going to be
doing the news, sports,

and weather anymore.

You're going to be doing
action news, super-sports,

and accu-weather!

Let's put some
pizzazz into this thing.

And we need a catchy
slogan. I'm thinking,

"We're the news,
whenever you want it,

between 6 and 6:30."

And as far as theme music goes,

I think we need
something up tempo,

you know, something
you can dance to.

People oughta be able
to find out about the world

and shake their
booty at the same time.

Is Bev is town now?

Now, oh, on-air people,

I really want you to
play up the banter.

A good balance is
70 percent banter,

30 percent news.

If you're too topical,

this thing's not gonna
have any syndication life.

And why don't you
act like you're having

an affair with her?

And you! You pretend
you're real jealous.

Okay?

This way, we'll be sure
to hook all the soap fans.

Hey, we just got an update
on that dock workers' strike.

Oh, let me see that.

The strike angle's okay,

but dock workers
aren't very upscale.

What if we made them, uh,
male exotic dancers, huh?

I'm sure the ladies
would much rather picture

a chorus line of hunks

than a picket line
of beer bellies.

Uh, you're kidding, right?
You can't change the news.

Dismount that high horse.

Mr. Harris, let's
run the story as is.

Okay, if you wanna
be limited by reality.

Uh, here's the rest of the
copy for tonight's show.

Good, now,

which one of you
is the anchorman?

I am.

You're better-looking.
You be the anchorman.

Now, one last thing,
when we open the show,

I want you all to
run out onto the set

and take your places, okay?

Except for you. You sashay.

Look, uh, we gotta
go on the air now.

Well, that's what
we're here for, isn't it?

Well, I haven't quite
figured out what some of us

are here for yet, so...

Okay, break a leg, everybody!
Except for you, gal o' gams.

They call this danceable?

Welcome to The Channel 8 News.

Hey, they didn't run in.

Good evening, I'm Ted Singer.

Oh, no, they went
with the ugly guy.

In the news tonight,
the Contra Aid Bill was...

They're not gonna
do what you wanted.

No self-respecting
news team would.

Oh, is that the kind
I got stuck with?

The senate approved...

Why don't you watch what we do,

and then we can talk a
little about what changes

we might wanna make?

And locally, we'll
look at preparations

for the upcoming Spring
Festival, and in sports,

Jerry Zaks reports

that George Utley has
given up on the Red Sox.

Now let's turn to the
international scene.

In London today,

a 14-year-old boy turned in
his parents as Russian spies.

Scotland Yard reports that
the couple is being detained

for questioning after
classified documents

were discovered in
their Kensington flat.

Oh, d*ck, can you help me?

Spring training
starts Wednesday,

and I still have trouble

picking out a new
team to root for.

Well, it shouldn't
be hard, George.

Um, how about the... the Twins?

They won the World
Series last year.

Yeah, I thought of them, d*ck,

but I don't want it to look

like I'm just jumping
on the bandwagon.

How about the Montreal Expos?

Well, I can't figure
out their hat, d*ck.

See there?

Is that supposed to be an M,

or are they trying
to spell out Expos?

I... I don't know.

Uh, how about the, uh...
The Toronto Blue Jays?

d*ck, are you kidding?

I can't root for a team
named after blue jays.

They always take all
the other birds' food.

Well, I'm gonna go give it
some more thought on my own.

You haven't been much help.

Hi, d*ck.

Oh, hi, Michael.

I haven't seen you
for a couple days.

Not... not that I'm complaining.

Well, I have been
pretty busy lately.

And what with the
primaries heating up,

and all the concern
about the deficit.

Not to mention
everything that's going on

in the Middle East.

What do you think about
this Gulf of Sidra thing?

Michael?

Michael, am...
Am I hallucinating,

or were you just talking
about current events?

d*ck, it's incredible.

It... it's like a whole new
world is opening up to me.

I'm learning so much
working in that news room.

I mean,

did you know there have
been two world wars?

Of course.

Gee, d*ck, you could tell a guy.

I mean, my life used to
be just me and Stephanie,

and when I was forced to, you.

But now, dealing with the news,

I know about people all
over the place, and d*ck,

I even care about some of them.

- Michael.
- Steph.

Aren't you a little
tall for someone

who hasn't seen me in two days?

That's better.

Steph, I apologize for
not seeing you much lately,

but so much has happened
in the last few days.

Producing the news
has opened my eyes

to so many things.

Tell her. Tell her, d*ck.

He knows about the world wars.

Huh?

Yeah, World w*r
One and the sequel.

And that's not all.

I... I've learned
about other countries

an... and about our
system of government and...

Did you know Camp David
isn't a place for the kiddies?

Michael, what have
you done to yourself?

You promised you
wouldn't pay attention.

I know. Can you ever
forgive me? Please? Please?

Well, I guess I can try.

What's that on your hands?

That isn't... newsprint?

Well, Steph, it's better
than lipstick on my collar.

Michael, another woman I
could crush and humiliate,

but I don't know
how to deal with this.

Steph, listen to me,

just because there are
world events in my thinker

doesn't mean that you're not
still number one in my thumper.

Oh, Michael,

when you talk like that,

it just does something
to me inside.

Yeah, me too.

Wash your hands twice,
and I'll let you take me out.

I... I can't. I... I've...

I've gotta go produce the news.

Again?

Well, that's one
thing about the news.

From what I can
see, it happens daily.

- But, Michael...
- I gotta go,

my cute correspondent.

Oh, no.

Someone has taken my
Michael and replaced him

with his evil, informed twin.

Is this guy great or what?

d*ck.

Michael, that was
without a doubt

the best Vermont
Today we've ever done.

I... I don't think the...
The toxic waste issue

has... has been examined

in more depth than we did today.

And it's... it's all because
of... Because of Michael here.

This is a pretty big
change for you, Michael.

Well, JoJo, you know,

it's good to know you're doing
something really important.

And... and now, you know,

when I'm working on
some of the other shows,

I produce like Bowling for Eggs

or Let's Make People Turn Red,

somehow they
seem... almost silly.

But I'm trying to make
some changes in them too.

Yeah. I saw the Pearl's
Kitchen where she mixed

the chocolate pudding
with the vanilla pudding

and then said, "If only the
world could be like this."

- You know, it's a step.
- Huh.

Steph, aren't you
even gonna say hi?

Hi.

I know things haven't been
the same between us lately,

Steph of my heart,

but I did bring you
a present and...

I hope you can
find it within yourself

to... to accept it.

Well, okay.

At least you haven't lost
all of your good qualities.

Is this what I think it is?

Remember when I
promised you the world?

Well, here it is!

And... and see?

Here's Latin America, where a
lot of my language comes from.

And here's Nicaragua,

where the Sandinistas
are battling the Contras.

And... and... and over here,
here's... here's the Middle East,

where they... they always seem
to be fighting over something.

Michael, stop it!

I don't wanna hear anymore.

Quick, show me the Riviera.

There.

Well, I... I better go see
what happened here today.

All right, I think we should lead
with the hostage story and then...

Then into the
Persian Gulf story.

What do you think, Jim?

I agree.

Ted?

Why don't you tune
in in a few minutes

and see what I think?

Michael, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just...

I'm kinda tired, I think.

If it'd perk you up at all,

we could run onto
the set tonight?

That's okay.

News is starting to get
to you a little bit, isn't it?

Well, I... I never used to
know about any of this stuff.

It's a lot to get
hit with all at once.

I know I'm a better
person for knowing it,

but part of me
still wishes I didn't.

I guess somehow,

the world seems
like a nicer place

when you don't know
what's going on in it.

You know, Michael,

I never thought I'd say this

after that first
day of yours here,

but, uh, you're
doin' a good job.

Thanks.

That means a lot
coming from you.

Doesn't it?

Good evening.
These are the stories

making the
headlines at this hour.

A gunman is holding
people hostage

at a bank in Illinois.

Fighting has broken out
again in the Persian Gulf.

And locally, a fire in Burlington
leaves two people homeless.

Details on these
and other stories...

But, Bullwinkle...

Colonel Moose to you, corporal.

Oh, boy.

What direction are we headin'?

South.

You mean sooth?

Yeah, sooth. So what?

This here plan
says we march noth.

Noth it is.

And with...

People who know the
gunman said he kept to himself

and seemed to be a nice guy.

Those are all the details
we have at this hour.

Stay tuned to
Channel 8 for updates...

Noth it is!

And with flags flying,

Bullwinkle began running
toward his own goal line.

Disaster was imminent,
but as fate would have it,

the clock suddenly marked
the end of the quarter.

What's the trouble?

Now the teams change...

You know, I don't
remember Bullwinkle

being in the news today.

Oh. S... s... some kid just ran
in here and changed the station.

No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

This is the one where
Bullwinkle plays football

for Wossamotta U.

You watch this?

I've been known to.

On occasion.

Don't you think
it's kind of silly?

Yeah, thank God.

I need silly after dealing
with the news all day.

Sometimes a little insanity

is just the thing
to keep you sane.

Do ya know that?

All I know is this
fellow behind me

has a g*n aimed
right at my 50-yard-line.

Bullwinkle, that feller's
intimidating a referee.

Not very well. He
doesn't look like one at all.

No... So how'm I doing tonight?

- Great.
- Good.

Ladies or no
ladies, this is w*r!

George, I... I thought you
had given up on the Red Sox.

I did, d*ck. For a week
there, they were out of my life.

Then they played their first
spring training game on TV,

and you should've seen it, d*ck.

They were like a whole new team!

I mean, they only
lost by two runs!

This could be their year!

George, you've been
saying that for 50 years.

Well, that's just
the point, d*ck.

I mean, I've been rooting
for this team all my life.

What if I gave up
on 'em this year,

and then they won it all?

Then, how would I feel?

Pretty bad?

Boy, d*ck, to you,
I'm an open book.

I'm gonna go put this
back on the bedpost.

You wanna come watch?

No, George, I... I
think this moment

should be between
a man and his cap.

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Uh, just a minute,
hold on please.

Stephanie, telephone!

It's somebody named Chuck.

Hi, Chuck.

You own a convertible,
and you don't read the paper.

Well...

you're certainly a possibility.
I'll let you know. Bye.

Stephanie, what are you doing?

Just putting out feelers.

I don't know how much
longer I can go on with

Mr. Eight Continents.

St... uh, Stephanie,
it's seven continents.

You, uh... You were
probably counting Atlantis.

Stephanie, have you even
tried to relate to Michael

on his new level?

Well, I started to watch
the news last night,

but I couldn't get through it.

Why do people that things happen

to look so bad?

I think you can make a
little more effort than that.

All right.

Tell me one news item I
can use to talk to Michael.

One that's easy to remember
and won't make me go, "Ew".

And try to tell it to me
fast, or I'll get bored.

The... the plight
of the homeless.

Oh, I just hope he appreciates
all I'm going through for him.

Well, if he doesn't, he
is one insensitive jerk.

Hi, all.

Oh.

Michael. Hi.

How about that plight
of the homeless, huh?

Yeah.

Well, that's the last
time I cram for a date.

Mich... Michael, didn't you
hear what Stephanie said?

Uh-huh. But... but
I... I don't care about

that news stuff anymore.

Oh, Michael, you're
not just saying that?

What happened?

Well, I was watching Bullwinkle

during the news,
and I had a revelation.

That... that happens
a lot during Bullwinkle.

I found out that entertainment

is just as important
as the news!

I mean, after people hear about

all the terrible things
they do to each other,

they need something to
make them feel good again.

They... they need to laugh.

That's where I come
in, d*ck. I can do that.

Well, Michael,
that's all fine, but it...

It doesn't mean you
can't keep doing the news.

I think it does, d*ck.

I... if I'm watching the
news too closely, I...

I might get too
sad to entertain.

I know that one story of
d*ck's brought me down.

I think I'm just better
off watching things

like The Munsters, you know?

When Herman
Munster loses his job,

you're a little worried,

but you know he's
gonna get it back

by the end of the episode.

I mean, I just wish the
news were more like that.

You know, more happy endings.

Michael, say this
doesn't mean that...

I won't be interviewing
the governor this weekend.

I, uh...

I think we're better off with
Herbie the Fire-eater, d*ck.

I mean, after the heavy
show we did last week,

he'll be a breath
of fresh and hot air.

I... I hope you're not
too disappointed, d*ck.

To be honest, it was nice
having you proud of me.

I... I think I'm
gonna miss that.

Michael, bring the governor back

and... and I'll be
strutting like a peacock.

Sorry, d*ck. Not worth it.

So, Steph, I'm free
to be you and me.

Oh, Michael.

Just promise me one thing,

that you'll never get involved
with human suffering again.

You got it, Steph.

d*ck,

let me know

how that hostage
thing turns out, okay?

Well, Michael's back
to the way he was,

George is still a Red Sox
fan, so all's right with the world.

Meow.