07x01 - Town Without Pity

[bunniefuu]

- Stephanie, those
are outgoing postcards.

You can't read them!

- Why not? d*ck
does it all the time.

- I don't... I don't read them.

I glance at them.

There's a big difference
between reading and glancing.

- Hi, Stephanie, Joanna.

Glancing at the postcards again?

- Here, George.

Why don't you just run these
on down to the post office?

- Are you through?
- Yes!

- Oh, hi.

Welcome to the Stratford.

I'm Joanna Loudon
and this is my...

- You don't have to tell
me. You're d*ck Loudon.

- Have, have we met?

- No, but I feel like we have.

I've read every
one of your books.

- Oh, oh really?

- I love what you do,

but I'm sure people
tell you that all the time.

- Well, you know,
you get used to it.

- Do you know why
I love your stuff?

Because it teaches.

I mean, you take someone
like Norman Mailer;

I'm sure he's a good read,

but when you're done,
what have you got?

Zip.

- Well, you know, let's not
be too, too hard on Norm.

He's pretty good, you
know, for what he does.

- Oh, yeah. Didn't he
write Vanna Speaks?

- No, that was Vanna White.

- Well, they're both writers.

Literature is literature.

- Oh, uh, by the
way, Al Griswold.

Oh, please forgive me, d*ck.
I get carried away sometimes.

- You know, if you had to
pick like your, your favorite...

- No contest!

Heating Systems: Not
Just a Lot of Hot Air.

- That was... that
was a good one.

- Especially that
chapter on ductwork.

Turned my life around.

- Oh, I remember that chapter.

Honey, you
remember that chapter?

We were taking the
walk in the woods

and it just... it just,
it just came to me.

- Right, d*ck.

- I can't believe I'm in the
same room with d*ck Loudon.

- I feel that way
myself sometimes.

- Well, I've taken up
enough of your time.

Boy, d*ck Loudon.

- That's, that's
what they call me.

So, so where, uh,
where are you staying?

- Well, uh, in my car.

It's a new Hyundai.

- Well, why don't...
why don't you, uh...

why don't you stay
here as our guest?

- Oh, I, I couldn't
impose and...

- Oh, we'd love to have you.

I'll, uh, I'll show
you my typewriter.

- You talked me into it!

- Uh, Stephanie.

- Yes.
- Would you show Mr. Griswold...

- Oh, Al.

- W... would you
show Al to Room 2?

- I think Al would be more
comfortable in Room 3.

The bed's already made up.

- Then make the
bed up in Room 2.

- Do you really
think it's polite

to keep your new friend waiting

while I make up
a stupid old bed?

- Room 2, Stephanie.

- Boy, some guy
drools all over d*ck

and we treat him like a king.

- Good help is hard to find.

- We wouldn't know.

- All right. You can freeze.

Side order of slime.

- What's... what's
going on here?

- Not to worry. Cuff him, boys.

- This... this is a mistake.

He's, he's a guest
of ours and a...

and a big fan of mine.

- You're talkin' to Al
"The Mole" Griswold.

- Who?

- It seems Mr. "The
Mole" Griswold

broke outta
Woodstock Correctional

at approximately
0500 this morning,

stole a blue Hyundai XL
and headed due south to...

this location.

- Oh, gosh! This
is so embarrassing.

- Crawled out
through a heating duct.

Very clever, really.

- Thanks, but I can't
take all the credit. d*ck...

- You can... you
can take him away.

- Thanks again
for those duct tips.

- Whoa!

Are you implying you had
assistance from the outside?

- Uh, no.

Okay, you broke me.

I got help from
one of d*ck's books.

Well, two actually,

if you count the one
that helped me hotwire it.

- All right, men. Get
this lowlife outta my face.

Is there somethin' you wanna
get off your chest, Loudon?

- No.

- Oh, you're a
tough nut to cr*ck.

A few hours under the lamp

and he'll be singin'
like a Von Trapp

in a room full of edelweiss.

- Look, I, I... I don't
even know that guy.

Okay, d*ck.

Room 2 is made
up for your buddy Al.

- Thanks. Thanks, Stephanie.

- Room 2?

If memory serves, the finest
room in the establishment.

Tsk, figures.

- I just... I just met the
guy five minutes ago!

- You comin' quietly or
do I break out Mr. Billy?

- Now this is just stupid!
d*ck didn't plan the escape.

He only wrote the instructions.

- Thanks a lot, Joanna.

I should have taken my
chances with Mr. Billy.

- Oh, no!

He doesn't really read
other peoples' postcards!

He just glances at them.

- Oh, they're gonna love you
up at Woodstock, pretty boy.

- Oh, you're finally back. This
place has been a madhouse.

I had to check in a guest!

- Stephanie, I hardly think

one guest constitutes
a madhouse.

- Well, ugh, I never
realized that running an inn

could be so stressful.

Poor you! No wonder you
look so haggard all the time.

- I mean... I don't get it.

Al seemed like such a nice guy.

- d*ck, they're still finding
bodies in his basement.

- Honey, just because a
man is a homicidal maniac

doesn't automatically make
him a bad judge of writing.

- Well, at least the
police let you go.

Now let's just try to put
this behind us, okay?

- What's all this we hear

about d*ck springing
his underworld buddies?

- Who told you that?

- Well, Chester told me.

- No, Jim. I heard it from you.

- Then where did I hear it?

- Look, it was just a
small misunderstanding.

It was blown out of
proportion, and it's all over now.

- Boy, talk about lip service!

- You know, d*ck,
a thing like this

could really shake up a town.

Maybe instead of
writing harmful books,

you should use
your God-given talent

to write something
that will help somebody.

- Like how-to books?

- Boy, d*ck didn't
learn a thing!

- Well, come on, Jim.

Obviously, being
inspirational is wasted here.

- Oh, d*ck.

Glad you're here.

I was, uh, worried you'd be
out scaring people straight.

- Is this whole town
on the same party line?

- No matter, my
controversial compadres.

The important thing is...

television plus controversy
equals audience.

Now that d*ck's
part in a prison break

is major tongue wags,

we can just sit back and
scoop up Oprah-sized ratings!

- I was not part of
the prison break.

- Sure, d*ck. Tell
it to the judge.

Woohoo.

Now, on the way over here,
I got a 100-watter of an idea.

This involves you
two. Picture this...

a show devoted to the
woman behind the accessory,

the moll behind the menace.

What do you think?
- I think you're demented!

- That is just the
tip of the iceberg.

We interview Jo-Jo
on Vermont Today.

Are you loving it?

You ask the probing question...

"What is it about your criminal
leanings that attracts her?"

- Michael, that is
not entertainment.

That is exploitation.

- Tomato/to-ma-to, d*ck.

- Hello.

Oh, oh. Hi, hi, Mrs. Goddard.

Yes, yes, I-I wrote How
to Spackle Like the Pros.

Yes, I-I wrote that one, too.

Well, I-I don't know if
"prolific" is exactly the word.

What's that?

Well, you... You
have a nice day, too.

That was uh, Mrs.
Goddard, the librarian.

They're pulling all my
books off the shelves.

- I say we throw him
in and see if he floats!

- Holy backlash, Dickman!

The whole town's
in a snit pitch.

- Michael, this
isn't a good time.

- All right. Well then, I'll...

I'll do this as
painlessly as possible.

Joanna, you... you can't
be a guest on d*ck's show.

- Damn!

And I was gonna sing
"Stand By Your Man."

- Aw!

- It... it doesn't matter.
I'm going to use the show

to tell my side of the
story and end all...

all this nonsense.

- Minor snag there.

Uh, you're not on
your show either.

- What?

- Whoa, d*ck, put that
vein back in your head.

Nobody wants to sponsor the man

who helped spring
Al "How-To" Griswold.

- I thought it was Al
"The Mole" Griswold.

- He changed it. He never really

felt quite comfortable
with "The Mole."

- I-I can't believe
this is happening.

- I'd love to host
a pity party, d*ck,

but I've got problems, too.

On the bright side, now
that your show is nixed,

I can finally expand
Family Double-Dare

to the full 90
minutes it deserves.

- Oh boy, d*ck.
Who'd have figured

you in cahoots with
Al "How-To" Griswold!

- George, I'm not in
cahoots with anyone.

- The town doesn't think so.

They're all trying to find
copies of your books.

- What for?
- Didn't you hear?

There's gonna be a big
book burning tomorrow night.

I just want you to know
that I'm not going to

the you-know-what tonight.

- We're gonna miss you
when we move, George.

- Oh. Stop it! We are
not going anywhere.

- Uh, excuse me.

- Yes.

- You know, I just adore these
quaint little tucked-away towns.

Are there any points
of interest I should see?

- Well, normally I'd
give you one of these...

But, tonight there is going to
be this really big book burning.

- Oh, how New England!

Tell me, what books
are we burning?

- His.

- Don't look now, but I
think somebody just put arms

on the statue of Venus.

- And gave her a manicure.

Hello.

- And kudos to you, d*ck.

That, that book-burning
idea is mucho caliente.

- It, it wasn't my idea.

- Funny. It screamed d*ck to me.

Still, it's just the
sh*t in the arm

this humble hamlet needs.

- Michael, has it
occurred to you

that d*ck is being wronged?

- Well, of course, but
I'm not going to dwell on it.

Did I mention that
I'm personally handling

local coverage of
the big book bake?

- Great.

Anyone else would have
turned it into a circus.

- Michael, I have a question.

- Fire away, Steph.
No pun there, d*ck.

- About this book-burning thing.

Should I dress theme
and go for a flashy look

or should I go subtle and try
to contrast with the flames?

- It doesn't matter what I
wear because I'm not going!

- We know, George.

- Well, Steph, I think
there's only one way

to untangle this fashion snafu.

- A trip through my closet?

- Oh, could we?

- Hi.

I'm Larry. This is
my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

We thought you could use
a heap of support during this,

your time of need.

- Thanks. Thanks, guys.

- As a show of
solidarity, Darryl and I

will not be attending
tonight's book-burning gala.

What?

Do you feel the
same way, Darryl?

I may have sh*t off
my mouth prematurely.

Darryl has pointed
out that not attending

an event of such stature

could seriously stunt
their social growth.

- Well, you know, I mean
they... they've come this far.

- Therefore, we will be
present in body but not in spirit.

- I won't be present in
body or in spirit, d*ck.

- That's the rumor, George.

- Come on, Darryl.

I hope you saved up plenty
of arm hair to curl in the fire.

- Well, I'm still in
your corner, d*ck,

even though I
hear a book burning

is a great place to meet chicks.

- That's uh, that's
where I met Joanna.

- Well, if you need me tonight,

I'll be in my empty
little room in the dark...

alone.

- George, go to the
damn book burning

and have a good time!

- What? Are you sure?
- Yes!

- Gee, d*ck, thanks!

- Well, this really galls me.

In one day, this whole
town has turned against you.

- Well, maybe they have a point.

I mean, a maniac did
escape from prison,

and I was partly responsible.

- Honey, that was a fluke.
It only happened once...

that we know of.

- But that's the point.

I mean, what, what if some
pyromaniac was slipped

a copy of my Keeping Your
Hibachi Happy, Volume 2?

There, there's a whole
chapter in there on starting a fire.

Where are you going?

- I'm going to take a
long, long walk and then...

maybe later I'll go over and
watch my career go up in smoke.

- We want to thank
some of the other people

who are making this book
burning such a rousing success.

The volunteer fire department
for organizing the book drive.

- Yay!

- Lambert's Hardware
for the butane lighters.

- Book banning.

Censorship.

Protection for society or
constitutional calamity?

You be the judge.

Enjoying the burnabaloo?

- Oh, I-I think it's thrilling.

A real book burning.

Most people only get
to read about them.

- You mean, this has
been done before?

Oh, for hundreds of years.

- Cut! Cut!

- Stephanie, oh no!

- What?

- Well, I don't know
how to tell you this

looking as
resplendent as you do,

but it seems fate has made
you the unwitting victim

of a horrible faux pas.

- Ewwwww! I'm
dressed like Darryl!

Michael!

- What is it, Steph?

Good God!

- Michael, I'm a laughingstock!

- Shield your eyes, Steph.

Stop tape.

I said... look, press
the button on the...

Oh, give me that!

- People, people.

Sure, a book burning can be fun,

but only if we follow
proper safety procedure.

Now, should one of
you weenie toasters

catch on fire...

Remember, stop, drop, and roll.

Well, I've said my bit.

- And now, the moment
we've all been waiting for.

It's time to set flame
to this mountain of filth.

- Tell me, is it true that
this Loudon character

worships the Devil?

- Oh, I don't think so.

Of course, I sleep
in on Sundays.

- I've heard that if you
read his books backwards,

they contain messages from Hell.

- I'm sure you've heard wrong.

- Thanks, George.

- Hey, everyone.
It's d*ck Loudon...

the man who made this
whole evening possible.

- Look, I know you have
your minds set on this...

book-burning thing,
but before we go ahead,

I'd like... I'd like
to have my say.

- Can you believe this guy?

- Look, I, uh...

I realize that one of
my books, possibly two,

may have indirectly
inspired an illegal act, but I...

I mean, any book
could have done that if...

If read by the wrong person.

- No one ever
broke out of prison

from reading the Bible, d*ck.

- Wow, d*ck's comparing
his books to the Bible!

- No, no!

The point is that you...
You can't blame the books.

I mean, these are just
nuts and bolts books about...

nuts and bolts.

I mean, one little incident has
mushroomed into mass hysteria.

I doubt if any of you have
read any of my books.

- Well, of course not, d*ck.

We don't want to spend eternity
in H-E-double hockey sticks.

- All right.

Does this sound like
the work of the Devil?

"Turn off water at source.

"Before detaching
U-shaped portion of pipe,

"remember to place
drip pan underneath...

to prevent staining floor."

- Loudon's right.

These are nothin' more
than instruction manuals.

- And boring ones at that.

- Well, maybe we
should burn them!

- Can't burn things just
'cause they're boring.

Otherwise Chester would
have been charcoal years ago.

- It's a shame to have
these weenies go to waste.

Isn't there something
else we can burn?

- Well, there's wood.

- What an idea!

As mayor of this town,

I declare this the
big wood burning.

- A big cheer for d*ck!

- Honey, you were wonderful!

- Honey, the wood burning
thing was an obvious choice.

- No.

I mean, the way you
handled the crowd.

You really turned them around!

- I was, was pretty
good, wasn't I?

- Uh-hm.

- Without, without
being too, too preachy.

- Uh, d*ck, uh,

I may be a little late
for work tomorrow...

if you know what I mean.

- Hello.

- Hi. Welcome to the Stratford.

I'm Joanna Loudon
and this is my husband...

- Oh, you're d*ck Loudon,

and I'm finally getting
to meet you face to face.

- Out! Get the
hell out of my inn!

Out! Go!

- d*ck, are you crazy?
Not every fan is a criminal!

- Honey, I can't afford
to take that chance.

- Boy, I don't know
what you did, d*ck,

but you sure ticked
that IRS guy off.

- Meow.