07x02 - Apples, Apples, Apples

[bunniefuu]

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellas. What
can we do for you?

- That depends.

How do you two feel
about the swamp?

- Well, we love it as
much as the next guy.

- Then brace yourselves.

Some big-city
developers want to fill it in.

- Well, I'm sorry, Larry.

I know how much you
three enjoy that swamp,

especially during
mosquito season.

- That swamp holds
memories for us.

Darryl got his first kiss there.

Remember that bullfrog, Darryl?

- Well, there'll
be other swamps,

other... frogs.

- We have a plan
to save this swamp.

With enough cash, we
can purchase it ourselves,

and we all know that
the best way to raise cash

is through a walkathon.

- Well, that's,
uh, that's the way

the major corporations do it.

- Now a walkathon
needs two things:

People willing to walk

and people willing to
pledge a dollar a mile.

We're willing to walk.

- Well then, then
you're halfway there.

- Guys, we'd be
happy to sponsor you.

- Thanks. We'll
start walking now.

The swamp will survive!

When your grandkids want to
play slip-n-slide in some algae,

you won't have to take
them to a theme park.

- Well, it's only
a dollar a mile.

- Well, I guess it's worth
it just to see the smiles

on those algae-covered kids.

- Well, it's that
time of year again.

- The new phone books are out?

- That too? Wow,
when it rains, it pours.

- What are you
talking about, George?

- What do you think?

The Ye Olde Apple Days Festival.

It seems like only yesterday
when Great-great Grandpa Utley

hosted the first
one back in 1816.

- I-I heard that Ye
Olde Apple Days

is being discontinued.

- Who told you that?

- I-I'm not sure.

I just remember hearing
talk about ending it

because some people
found it excruciatingly...

uh, dull.

- Ye Olde Apple Days?

- Maybe-maybe I'm
thinking of the Ice Capades.

- Well, we're back
from the mall, all,

and we come bearing
a bounty of riches.

- Uh, the bounty is for us.

I don't know if Michael
made that clear.

- Hey, are you two going
to the town meeting tonight?

I'll be talking about
Ye Olde Apple Days.

- Oh, I'd love to, George,

but I think Steph and I
are going to stay in tonight

and take a finger trip through
the new Neiman's catalog.

- Uh, Michael.

I want to go.

Don't you remember
the last town meeting?

- Yeah, we sat
in the back and...

made fun of what
everybody was wearing.

Wouldn't miss it, George.

- Great!

- And George, would you please
wear those bright green pants?

You know, the ones
that show off your ankles.

- Sure.

- And d*ck, you can just
wear what you have on.

- Okay, all in favor
of Annette Gordon

being in charge of refreshments

for future town
meetings, raise your hand.

All opposed.

You're in. The
citizens have spoken.

- Boy, that certainly wasn't
the slugfest I expected.

- George, I believe you have
the next order of business.

- Please hold your giggling
until everyone has spoken.

- Well, as everybody
knows, the Utley family

has been in charge of
organizing Ye Olde Apple Days.

- Quiet down!

George, didn't we put
a stop to that thing?

- No!

- Make a note. Let's
put a stop to that thing.

- I thought everyone
liked Ye Olde Apple Days.

- Maybe you should give
George some support.

- I-I think he's doing fine.

- The chair recognizes
d*ck Loudon.

- Uh, thank you.

I-I know this event isn't
as exciting as it used to be.

There is a certain
sameness to it year after...

year after year.

And it has lost some of its
appeal since the advent of...

radio.

- Wow, d*ck, why don't you
just Kn*fe George in the back!

- Look, Ye Olde Apple
Days is a town tradition,

and I don't think that
we should give up on it.

If it isn't working,
we should fix it.

All it needs are some new ideas.

- Do you have any
new ideas, d*ck?

- Uh, no.

- So basically you
just like to hear

the sound of your own voice.

- Maybe Michael has some
ideas if he's not too busy giggling.

- Michael, everyone's
staring at us.

Make them stop.

- What do you people want?

- Well, we all thought that
since you're hip, you could

help George with some new
ideas for Ye Olde Apple Days.

- Y-you all think I'm hip?

- The hippest.

- Well, I guess I could
spitball some ideas.

- Great! All in favor
of Michael spitballing,

raise your hand.

- Wow, it's a landslide!

- Hey, Dicksters.

What do you think about
this idea for the apple fest?

Female applesauce wrestling.

- It's uh, a little
tasteless but delicious.

- Of course it's delish.

It sprung from the
Georgeman's gray cells.

- Hey, Michael, I
just got another idea.

Why don't we have kids
paint pictures of apples

and give a prize
for the best one?

- What a genius!
I could kiss you.

- You're a man.

- Well, that painting
idea is brilliant.

Which doesn't mean we
couldn't put a twist on it.

Whoa! Revelation.

Instead of little kids
painting, we get adults.

- How come?

- Well, little kids,
paint brushes, nostrils.

- Well, you're right.

No ceremony is
worth injuring children.

- And instead of canvases,
we paint the apples

directly onto the
applesauce wrestlers.

What do you think?

- That's a twisted
idea all right.

- It's just another
nugget of a notion

from the goldmine
of the Georgemonster.

- What do you think
about an apple sack race?

- Eureka! The motherlode!

I love it. I wouldn't
change a thing.

All right. First off,
we 86 the sacks.

- Hello, Stratford Inn.

- Hi. This is Larry.

Next to me is my
brother, Darryl...

and my other brother, Darryl.

- What, what can
I do for you guys?

- We thought you'd like
an update on our walkathon.

We're in Cheshire, Connecticut.

- You, you mean you've
been walking for four days?

- Not technically.

To break the monotony,

we hopped on one foot
through the Berkshires.

Darryl, don't eat that!

- At a dollar a
mile, I must owe...

where exactly is Cheshire?

- Uh-oh. Gotta go.

Darryl, how many times
do I have to tell you,

face away from the
road when you do that!

- Where is... where's my atlas?

- Gee, I don't know, Michael.

A laser light show
sounds a little high tech.

- Georgie Porgie, puddin'
and pie, it was your idea!

- I thought my idea
was an apple sack race.

- That's what this is.

Now come on, let's
down some decaf

and flesh out your idea
about skinny dipping for apples.

- That was bobbing.

- Hello.

Hello.

Da-Darryl, if that's you,
could you put Larry on, please?

Hi. Hi, Larry.

Wh-where are you now?

- In a place called
the South Bronx

though the absence
of magnolia trees

makes me think it's
not the Deep South.

- You've gone another 100 miles.

When are you guys
coming home? We miss you!

- Actually, we almost
turned back this morning.

Darryl had this
blister on his foot.

Fortunately, it turned
out to be an extra toe

we'd never noticed before.

Darryl, don't buy that Rolex.

It's a knockoff. I gotta go.

I'm losin' control
over these boys.

- They've got to be stopped!

Hi, George.

What, what are you
doing out so late?

- Just walking.

- Do, do I owe
you money for that?

- I don't think so.

- Good.

Uh, George, are you,
uh, are you all right?

- Not really.

You remember how Michael
called me a goldmine of ideas?

- Yeah.

- Well, he took the ideas
and gave me the shaft.

The Georgemonster
has been fired.

- George, the new
phone book's here.

You want me to look
up your name for you?

That usually cheers you up.

- Sure.

It's probably
under "U" for unhip.

- Now just because
Michael says you aren't hip

doesn't mean anything.

Well, you're just as hip as...

d*ck.

- Whoa, half-price slipper sale.

- Thanks, Joanna.

- Hello, fellow
citizens of Appleopolis.

- Michael, if you don't
tell them right away,

I'll burst!

- All right.

Prepare your accolades.

The apple fest is now a
Michael Harris production

in association with

Stephanie Vanderkellen
Enterprises.

- Michael made
me his co-producer!

- Exactly what does
a co-producer do?

- I welcome people.

I lie and tell them
how nice they look.

I smile demurely when
they tell me how nice I look.

- Great-great Grandpa
Utley never smiled demurely.

- Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go sit in front
of my makeup mirror

and practice sincerity.

I'll miss you all.

- Good start, Steph.

And while you're up
there, pick out a dress

that won't clash with the
ballroom at the Ramada.

- You're holding
Ye Olde Apple Days

at the Ramada Inn?

- No, we're holding
Apples Apples Apples there.

New name, new concept, new zip!

- What kind of zip is that?

- Well, just your
usual singing, dancing,

multimedia
spectacular kind of zip.

- Great-great Grandpa
Utley would be shocked!

- Well, I've gotta run.
I'm meeting DeeDee,

the choreographer,
for a well drink.

- Wait a minute!

Where is it written

there can't be two Ye
Olde Apple Days festivals?

- I-I don't know, but I'm sure
I saw it somewhere, George.

- I'm going to hold my own
festival right here in the Inn,

where it should be.

Ye Olde Apple Days lives!

- Does... does it
have to live here?

- Well, I guess
this is everybody.

- George, I'm sorry.

- Oh, it figures.

Michael advertised
his show on TV.

I relied on word of mouth.

I wish you two had friends.

- Well, it... it's still early.

I wouldn't mind waiting
a few more hours.

- Well, that wouldn't be fair
to the people who did show up.

Besides, we could have
just as much fun with three

as we can with 300.

- Yeah, it's just that with
300, it doesn't seem so stupid.

- Well, I guess it's time
for my opening speech.

Quiet down, please.

Welcome to the 172nd Ye
Olde Apple Days festival.

I see a few unfamiliar
faces out there.

- George, why don't
we just skip the speech

and go right on
to the activities.

- Good idea.

Would a pie-eating contest
with three people seem stupid?

- A pie-eating contest can be
held with any number of people

without looking stupid.

- Really? Okay. Then it
will be just you and Joanna.

I'll be the judge.

Contestants, take your seats.

Grab your forks.

Go!

- Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome.

- What?

- Stephanie, I'm usually
not one to complain,

but these ticket prices...
$22.50 a person?

- Well, obviously you've never
been to a Broadway show.

- No, but we did see the
movie version of The Music Man

starring Robert Preston.

- And Buddy Hackett.

Boy, that guy's a
national treasure.

- Jim, that was Stubby Kaye.

- You're crazy. It
was Buddy Hackett.

- I'm crazy? You're
the crazy one.

It was Stubby Kaye.

- Oh, you think
everybody is Stubby Kaye.

- Willkommen,
bienvenue, welcome.

- What?

- Oh, here!

- Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting a Michael
Harris production

in association with

Stephanie Vanderkellen
Enterprises.

♪ Apples Apples ♪

♪ To sing their praises
We'll thrilled to the core ♪

♪ Ye Olde Apple
Days was a bore ♪

♪ Now Michael Harris
Has more in store ♪

♪ It's Apples ♪

♪ Apples ♪

♪ No other fruit we do
Has got such appeal ♪

♪ Baldwin Granny McIntosh ♪

♪ Every one is great by gosh ♪

♪ Rome Delicious
Pippin too Just efficient ♪

♪ Rip into an Apple ♪

♪ Apple ♪

♪ We just love Ye
Olde Apple Days ♪

♪ So this tradition is
Michael's rendition of Apples ♪

♪ Apples ♪

♪ Apples ♪

- Here you go, d*ck. Good luck!

- Is it an apple?

- d*ck, you're supposed
to guess what kind!

- Um, McIntosh.

- Sorry.

- Damn!

- Here. It's your turn, Joanna.

Good luck!

- Pippin?

- Yeah! You really
know your apples.

- Well, after you've
eaten four Pippin pies...

- This is your fifth ribbon.

- Oh, thanks, George.

Boy, I'm running out of room!

- Hey, it's apple-bobbing time.

I'll get the tub.

- d*ck, he's getting the tub.

We have got to
put an end to this.

- Sure, now that you're
ahead five ribbons!

- Let's just tell George

it's impossible to have a
festival with three people.

- Hey, I think I could have
bobbed the pants off of you!

Uh, George.

Could-could we speak to you?

- I know what
you're going to say.

Ye Olde Apple Days
is a ye olde b*mb.

- Well, I wouldn't
say "ye olde."

- Hey, are we too
late for apple keno?

- Can't you see the tub, Jim?

They're only up
to apple bobbing.

- What are you doing here?

- We walked out
of Michael's show.

It was awful!

- We didn't get to do anything!

No spin the apple,
no apple limbo.

All we did was sit and watch.

- Yeah, the worst part was
Michael strutting around

like some apple pimp.

- Chester, what is
that on your cheek?

- Oh, dear!

Those laser beams must
have vaporized my eye!

- It looks like applesauce.

- So it is.

- I told you not
to lean in so close

during the wrestling match.

- George, we're sorry
we abandoned you.

- Well, that's okay.

One of the seven tenets
of Ye Olde Apple Days

is forgiveness.

- You're a good man, George.

- Oh, Steph, you were right.

They thought our show was over.

Okay, folks, let me explain
the concept of intermission.

- Michael, they left because
they didn't like your show.

- Didn't like my show?

- How'd they feel about
my demure smiling?

- They, they didn't say.

- They usually don't say
anything when they're pleased.

- How... how could
they prefer this

when my show had glitz,
glamour, production values?

- Michael, this isn't Las Vegas.

- It never will be as long
as people dunk their heads

in tubs of water.

- Well, you're welcome
to join the celebration.

- Well, thanks, George.

I guess you know your
audience a little better than I do.

- You must feel bad about

everybody walking
out on your show.

- I'd feel worse if we
had a refund policy.

- Have you ever
bobbed for apples?

- No, but in college, I-I
did have my head dunked...

but it wasn't in a tub.

And they, they weren't apples.

- Could I, cupcake?

- All right, as long as
you don't get your hair wet.

- I'll be careful.

- Hello.
- Hi. This is Larry.

Next to me is my...
- Where are you now?

- Graceland.

Home of the
king of rock 'n roll.

- Graceland. That's...
that's in Memphis.

- I know. Our
walkathon is completed.

Your pledge has provided
us with adequate funds

to purchase the swamp...

and with enough left over

to buy a 9 x 12 Colonel
Tom Parker area rug.

- That's... that's 1,400 miles.

- Gotta go. Darryl just won
an impromptu look-alike contest

and we gotta help
him divvy up the babes.

Bye!

- That's $1,400!

- Meow.