07x04 - I Married d*ck

[bunniefuu]

Can you believe we did that?

- Oh, do you
remember that sit-in

in front of the ROTC building?

- Oh, hard to believe we
were so political back then!

- Political? Us?

We just wanted to
meet those cute cadets.

You're right.

Oh, Wanda, it's so good to
see you after all these years!

- Here's to good friends.

- Tonight is-is
something special.

- It is so nice to
relax with old pals.

My life is such a
whirlwind these days.

Have I told you why?

- Yes, but it-it
bears repeating.

- I finally had the guts
to leave my marriage.

- I just don't understand it.

I thought you and
Martin were so happy.

- We were stagnating.

There were no new
discoveries to make.

We'd sit across
the breakfast table,

and there'd be these
long, lingering silences.

- Still, it's a shame after
such a long marriage.

- Oh, Joanna, believe me.

You and I both
have what we want.

I have an exciting new
life, a fabulous career,

and you've got d*ck.

- Yes, and we're very happy.

- Of course you are!

How long you kids
been married now?

- 18 years.

- 18 beautiful years.

- Well, I've got another
whirlwind day tomorrow.

'Night, sweetie.
- Good night.

- You know, it's just amazing

that you two have
managed to stay together.

- Well, when you've
got a good thing going.

Right, honey?

- Huh?

- Tell Rhonda good night.

- Oh, oh. Good night.
Good night, Rhonda.

- Sleep tight, lovers.

- You know, d*ck, I think
she kind of envies us.

- Right.
- Uh-hm.

- Good night, honey. I'll
see you in the morning.

- Miss! Miss!

- I'm busy.

- But my eggs are ice cold.
- Then don't eat them.

- d*ck, we still have plenty
to discover about each other,

don't we?

- Sure.

- Then go ahead.

Ask me something you've
always wanted to know about me.

- Well, uh, you know, nothing...
Nothing springs to mind, but...

I'm sure... I'm sure
something will come up.

Hopefully soon.

- 'Morning, d*ck, Joanna.

- Hi, George.

- I just got back from taking
Rhonda to the train station.

Am I glad she finally had
the guts to leave Martin.

- Why's that?

- d*ck, she was stagnating.

Now, every day of
her life is a whirlwind.

- I had no idea.

- I guess some of us just
aren't meant to be married...

and others are.

d*ck, Joanna, how
long has it been?

- 18 years.

- 18 beautiful years.

Would you pass the cream?

- You didn't say that
with much enthusiasm.

Pass the cream.

- I meant the 18 years part.

- Here, d*ck.

- Thanks, George.

- Cupcake roll call.

Stephanie Vanderkellen.

Here!

- All set, Steph?

We're going shopping
for matching ski togs.

Don't you think we'll
be the cutest couple

ever seen shushing?

- Oh!
- Hot plate.

- Michael, we're
not going anywhere

until I see that baby picture
you promised me for my locket.

- Voila!

This will never do.

I'm not putting an
adorable baby picture of me

next to one of you
in a foreign legion hat.

- But, Steph!

- Michael, I've never seen a
picture of you as a little boy

without something
stupid on your head.

- I'm sorry, Steph.

I know what you
must be going through.

- Do you? Do you
really? I think not.

- Well, here's something
I've never told you.

I was a cesarean baby.

- I know that.

Let it go, Joanna.

- Who would've guessed!

- I'm sorry about your
childhood trauma, JoJo,

but I need to confab with d*ck
about some urgent show stuff.

Can we, uh, can
we kibitz, compadre?

- Must be urgent.

You're mixing
Spanish with Yiddish.

- Tell me, Joanna,
was it painful?

- What's the problem, Michael?

- This has nothing to
do with the show, d*ck.

It's something
painfully personal.

You see, I once...

this should spare
us both the agony.

- Is this you as a kid?

You must have
been a great listener

because you were all ears!

- Yank those yuks, d*ck.

You have no idea the torment
I went through as a child.

Every day I'd hear
the same taunt:

"Hey, beagle boy,

does a doctor have
to examine your ears

with a headlight?"

Not everyone was
as nice as my mom.

When I got to school,

that's when the
hell really began.

- Well, kids can be cruel.

- Their chant still haunts me.

"Michael, Michael, ears so wide,

looks like pancakes
side by side."

I tried to run and hide,
but it was useless.

I was always within earshot,
even from five blocks away.

- Well, you-you
grew into your ears.

- No, d*ck, I got
professional help.

I had them trimmed and
pinned when I was 11.

- So what-what's the problem?

- Steph wants a
snap of me as a child.

I can't let her see me
looking like Alfred E. Newman!

- Michael, no one is going to
change their opinion of someone

because of the way
they looked at six.

- They aren't?

- No!

Besides, I mean, everyone
wants to improve their appearance.

As a matter of fact,
when I was younger,

I-I-I had a wart removed.

- That's disgusting!
Does Joanna know?

- I don't think so.

- And you've been sitting
on this wart thing all this time?

- Michael, an old photograph
isn't going to change the way

Stephanie feels about you.

- d*ck, I've been living a lie.

I've been passing
as a small-eared man.

- Okay, Michael, let's shop.

- Oh, right.

- Michael, isn't there something
that you want to show Stephanie?

- Gee, d*ck, now?

- Oh, what is it?

Well, the thing is,
Cuppers, I, uh...

I-I do have a hatless headshot.

I didn't want to
show it to you, but...

Dr. d*ck gave me a
dose of reassurance.

- Who is this?

- It's me.

- No, really.

- It's me. I swear.

I'm the guy attached
to Babar's ears.

That pachydermal punim is mine.

- Michael, this isn't funny.

- But it's true!

- Ugh!

Our-our children will
be hideously grotesque!

- Oh, muffin!
Thanks a lot, d*ck.

- They'll look like
cartoon elephants!

A gust of wind will come
up and carry them away!

- We can anchor them down!

- d*ck?
- Yeah, honey.

- I think we should
discuss our relationship.

What's, uh, what's to
discuss? It couldn't be better.

- You honestly
don't see a problem?

- No, but I have
a feeling I will.

- We've stopped growing.
We're... stagnating.

- Well, we weren't stagnating

until your friend
Rhonda showed up.

- d*ck, this has been our
life for the last seven years.

We get up, eat breakfast,
putter around, eat lunch,

putter some more, eat
dinner, putter a little, go to bed.

- You make that
almost sound dull.

- It is!

- We're eating! We're puttering!

- Well, I'm sick of eating.
I'm sick of puttering,

and I'm starting to get
just a little sick of us.

- Joanna!

- Sounds like the end of
18 beautiful years, d*ck.

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellas. What is it?

- Well, we understand
that after 18 beautiful years,

you are connubially kaput.

- Where did... Where
did you hear that?

- The whole town is buzzing...

and layin' odds on who
will be the next Mrs. Loudon.

I went with my gut

and put a ten on
that chunky number

who works at the gas station.

Anyway, on the off chance
that you two can salvage

this sad excuse for a marriage,

we'd like to suggest
something we've found helpful...

therapy.

- You were in therapy?

- Actually primal scream,

something Darryl
particularly excels in.

- Darryl, please.

There may be
stemware in the room.

- Thanks-thanks for
the concern, guys,

but, uh, we aren't
having a problem.

And if, and if we were, uh,

I'm not a big believer
in psychology.

- Well, it did wonders
for Darryl's sibling rivalry.

Looks like regression to me.

Come on, Darryl.

We better have
Dr. Pinsky hook you up

to that electric machine again.

- d*ck...

- Joanna, no, I am
not going into therapy.

- Well, it's something
to consider.

Larry could be right.

- Correct me if I'm wrong,
but wasn't it also Larry

who said if you held
a trout up to your ear,

you could hear the ocean?

- To be fair, d*ck, you
never tried that either.

- Look, honey, I know you
think we're having problems,

but there must be some recourse
other than therapy and trout.

- I see I'm getting nowhere.

If you don't want to do the
simplest thing to help us, fine.

I would never force
you to do something

that you are so
vehemently against.

- Wednesday good for you?

- Doc... Dr. Mary Kaiser?
That sounds like a woman!

- d*ck, just relax.
Everything's going to be fine.

- I'll see you next
Wednesday, Dr. Kaiser.

What are you staring at?

- I-I-I'm sorry. You
look-you look so...

- What's this, Kaiser?
Another one of your nutcases?

- There's something
about-about your face.

- I'm not too crazy
about yours either.

- Have-haven't we...

- I'd love to stay around here

and listen to you
stutter all night,

but I have a life to live.

Psycho!

- Hi. I'm Mary Kaiser.

- I'm Joanna, and this is d*ck.

- Nice to meet you.

You'll have to
excuse my last patient.

It's taken me years to undo
the damage that was done to him

by some quack in Chicago.

Go on in.

The rest of the group
should be here shortly.

- When I agreed to do this,

you didn't say anything
about a semicircle.

- d*ck!

- Dammit, Tish.

You didn't have to
go and slam my finger

in the damn door
of the damn pickup!

- Well, I wouldn't if you'd at
least try to help me get out!

Now, I'm pregnant,
or couldn't you tell?

- d*ck, Joanna...
Tommy Lee and Tish.

- Hi.

- Have to shake leftie. Fool
woman's out to cr*pple me.

- Welcome to couples' group.

Another couple
may be joining us,

but let's just get started.

Since you're all new to group,

I think it's important to
stress that we should all be

completely open with each other.

- I'm not opening up to them.

- Now then, Tommy Lee and Tish,

why don't you tell
us why you're here.

- To be honest, our
marriage has stopped growing.

- You see, we have
a lot in common.

- Tish is a cow.

On top of which she gambles
away my paychecks on the dog races.

- Two peas in a pod.

- Paycheck! You suck
back your paycheck

when you can keep a
job long enough to get one!

- Huh!

Tommy Lee, how does
that make you feel?

- Well, it hurts, Dr. Kaiser.

So much so I wanna
take a handful of beer nuts

and throw 'em in her fat face!

- You try it!

- I want to go home now.

- d*ck, was there something
you wanted to share?

- Uh, just that, uh...

I-I-I don't think we
should be hearing this.

- I think what's making you
feel uncomfortable, d*ck,

is that Tish and Tommy Lee
are expressing honest emotions.

Honesty, d*ck, is what
this group is all about.

- So-sorry we're
late, Dr. Kaiser.

- Well, look who's
back. Chuck and Dawn.

- Chuck and Dawn?

- What are d*ck and
Joanna doing here?

- Please take your seats.

- What is it, d*ck?
That wart thing?

- No!

- So, what did we miss?

- Dr. Kaiser was just explaining

the importance of
being honest... Dawn.

- Chuck and Dawn, you already
seem to know d*ck and Joanna.

- You used your real
names? Aren't you ashamed?

- Yes.

- And this is Tommy
Lee and Tish.

- Ever seen the inside
of a mobile home, chicky?

- At this time, what
do you two see

as your greatest difficulty?

- Our boy... Harold.

Last week he sh*t a hole
right through our neighbor.

- Kid's got a lot
of anger in him.

- Are they gonna talk all night?
Some of us have real problems.

- Well, Dawn, as I recall, the
last time you two were here,

your problems seemed
rather trivial and foolish.

- Well, that was then.

This time it's... all too real.

- Oh, I'm sorry. What is it?

- Chuck had big ears as a child!

- Our neighbor had big ears.

Still has one!

- I-I think that it's time
that we got back to an adult.

d*ck, tell us why
you came to group.

- Joanna made me.

- Dr. Kaiser, I think
what d*ck meant to say is

we're stagnating.

Our marriage
should be more of a...

what is the word... a whirlwind.

There's a certain sameness
about our life together.

- Well, what do you
want? Excitement or d*ck?

Good one!

- You know, I am beginning
to see a common thread here.

And I think it can be
summed up in a simple phrase:

"Nobody's perfect."

Which is why we
all have to learn

to accept each other
exactly the way we are.

- Well, obviously
you don't run the risk

of having a big-eared child.

- No, I don't, but if
you had one, Dawn,

wouldn't you still
love and accept it?

- Well, of course,

but do you think it's healthy
for a child to see his parents

burst into tears every
time he walks in the room?

- All right, if it's
such a big deal,

get the kid's ears fixed.

- Plastic surgery?

- Yes!

- Well, that's what
I've been saying, Dawn.

- Yeah, I know, Chuck,
but you're biased.

You were one of them.

Now, somehow coming from
a normal-eared professional,

it all makes sense.

Then we are cured.

- Thank God, Chuck!

- Oh, Dr. K., you're a whiz!

Come on, Dawn, let's
blow this popsicle stand.

- Oh, Chuck, our
nightmare is finally over!

- Wa-wait a minute.

They... they get to leave?

- Uh-huh.

- And they're cured?

- They seem to think so.

- You know, doll, I feel ashamed

for gripin' about
our petty problems.

- Oh, baby, we got a good life.

- Well, Joanna, you've told
us all about your life with d*ck.

- That, uh... seems to
have cleared the room.

- Tell us how
you'd envision a life

if you weren't married to d*ck.

- A life without d*ck?

- Yes. For instance,
where would you live?

- Well, I certainly wouldn't
want to leave the area.

d*ck and I love it here.

- Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh!
d*ck is out of the picture.

Only you now.

- Right. Okay.

Well, I suppose I'd get
a little house nearby.

I mean, d*ck and I have
made so many friends...

- Uh-uh, uh-uh!

- I've made so many friends.

Hmmm.

Then maybe I'd
start a little business.

I mean, after seven
years of running an inn,

d*ck and I have
gotten so good at...

I've gotten so...
- Yes, Joanna.

- Ah, it's just so hard to
envision my life without d*ck.

Besides, I'd... I'd miss him.

- Perhaps your marriage
isn't so much stagnant

as it is comfortable.

- Comfortable?

All this time we've
been comfortable?

- And it only cost us
80 bucks to find out.

- I know this evening has
been emotionally draining

for the both of you,

so I want you to feel
free to sit here awhile

and reflect on all the
breakthroughs that we've made.

Good night.

- Well, I'll start up the car.

- d*ck.

Oh, baby, we've
got a good life, too.

- You bet!

- Meow.