07x06 - I Came, I Saw, I Sat

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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07x06 - I Came, I Saw, I Sat

Post by bunniefuu »

Dad, don't be silly!

You're not going
to stay at a hotel.

You're going to
stay here with us.

Besides, this is a hotel.

You're my father.

I mean, automatically
that... that qualifies you

for a-a 30%
reduction in the rate.

See you soon. Bye.

My dad's flying up from Florida,

and he's going to
spend a week with us.

- Well, that's wonderful!

You'll finally get to
show him the inn.

- And... and that's not all.

He's never been to... to
this part of the country before.

I mean, and what
could be more beautiful

than Ver-Vermont in the winter.

- Rio... St. Moritz...

Barbados... Acapulco.

- If you're interested
in a little trip, Stephanie,

why don't we fly upstairs
and clean Room 2?

Then maybe a quick
jaunt to Room 3,

and then perhaps a junket...

- I see where you're
going with this, Joanna,

and I think you're very cruel.

Say, d*ck, your father
never had a daughter, did he?

- N-no, I would have noticed.

- That's a shame,
because fathers truly live

to lavish gifts on
their daughters.

Say, I have an idea...
- Stephanie, aren't you...

Aren't you keeping
your tour guide waiting?

Try to bring a little sunshine

into an old man's life...

- Let's do d*ck.

d*ck, d*ck, bo-bick,
banana, fana, fo-fick...

Me, my, mo-mick... d*ck.

- Hi, Michael.
- Let's do Stephie!

- Let's not!

What are you here for?
- Great news.

It took a little hustle,
it took a little muscle,

but I managed to
snare Ned Milmore

for an encore appearance
on next week's show.

- Isn't he the guy
that collects rocks

that resemble famous
people's heads?

- The one and only.

Iris in on a snap of his latest.

- Well, they're...
They're certainly rocks.

- Don't you recognize
them? It's the Jackson 5!

All in feldspar.

Of course you really have
to squint to make out Tito.

- Forget it, Michael.

Uh, weren't you
trying to get that, uh,

that pitcher who used
to be with the Yankees?

You know, the one that
threw the... the greaseball...

um, Mulberry.
Duke... Duke Mulberry.

- Oh, yeah. The Duke of Oil.

He's, uh, he's on the yak-yak
circuit pushing his book.

- Well, my... my dad
is coming to town,

and he used to be a
big fan of the Duke's.

Why don't you use some of
your hustle and muscle to get him?

- All right, but you tell Ned
Milmore he's been axed.

Don't be surprised if he
throws his Emilio Estevez

through your window.

- Well, let me, uh, show
you the rest of the inn.

- Uh, I think I'd like
to sit a minute first.

I'm a little jetlagged.

- Dad, there-there's
no time difference

between Florida and Vermont.

- That's right.

I'm not good at longitude
and latitude like you, Richie.

- Hey, Joanna. Knock, knock.

- Excuse me?

- Knock, knock.

- Ah.

Who's there?

- Sarasota.

- Sarasota who?

- Sarasota in the fridge?

Oh, I get it!

- Yeah, no... no one tells a
knock-knock like... like Dad.

- Thanks, but I am
serious about the soda.

- Oh, uh, all right.

- Oh, this must be your father!

- Dad, this is our maid,
Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- Aren't you a
pretty little thing!

- Well, I could be even prettier

if my wardrobe
wasn't so limited.

So sorry to hear you
never had a daughter!

- Well, Richie was like a
son and daughter to us.

- Well, who have we here?

- This is Richie's dad.

- Well, when's your
dad coming, d*ck?

- This is my dad. I-I'm Richie.

- Oh. George Utley.

- Bill Loudon.

Nice head of hair.

- Gee, thanks.

- Dad was... Dad was a barber.

- Over 40 years.

Richie, who does
he remind you of?

- I-I don't know.

- Oh, you know
who I'm thinking of,

from the old neighborhood.

The Perkins kid
with the sandy hair.

- San-Sandy Perkins?

- That's it.

- You might think
that it'd be tough

working for a local
celebrity, but it's not.

d*ck's a good boss
and a lovely man.

- Well, I thought that you might
want to see some of the town.

There's the, uh...
there's the, uh,

woolen mill, uh,
the town square,

and I think I can get a tour
of the... of the cheese factory.

- Well, maybe later.

- And I'd like to show you some
of our better department stores.

- Hola, hombres and hombrellas.

- Michael, come
and meet Mr. Loudon.

- Greetings, dad o' d*ck.

Michael Harris.

- Bill Loudon.

Say, I bet that blow-dries well.

- Except for a slight cowlick.

I try to control it
with various gels,

but I'm at my wit's end.

- Maybe I can help.
- Could you?

What a wise and wonderful man.

d*ck, were you adopted?

- Are you here for
a reason, Michael?

- Oh, right. Well, after
a little string pulling,

I managed to lock
in Duke Mulberry.

- Oh, Dad, did you hear that?

Duke Mulberry is
going to be on my show.

- Who?

- From... from the Yankees.

- Oh, yeah. I think
I do remember him.

You know who I really liked?

That pitcher, the tall,
skinny guy with the white hair.

- Whi-Whitey Ford?

- Bill, did d*ck tell you that
we're having dinner tonight

at the Drum and Musket?

He just happened to
mention the restaurant

about eight times on his show,

and got us the booth
by the cannon at 7:30.

- Whoa, major coup, Dickster.

That table's usually reserved
for heavy metal groups

and those DAR babes.

- Not uh, not bad, hey, Dad?

- Well, you kids go along
and have a good time.

I-I just got comfortable.

Who... who are you guys?

- Gosh, no one
ever asked us before.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

- Well, nice to meet
you. I'm Bill Loudon.

- We surmised as much.

Forgive us for not
callin' on you sooner,

but we spent the past two days

out gathering
nuts for the winter.

Darryl's cheeks
are still smarting.

- We don't have winters
like this in Florida.

You ought to move
down there, boys.

Save some wear and
tear on your cheeks.

- Florida?

Isn't that the home of the
Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater?

- Sure is!

- Hmmm, mighty
temptin', huh, Darryl?

I said, "Huh, Darryl?"

Okay. Out with it.

Yep, an acorn.

You've been hoarding, Darryl.

You violated the
code of the woods.

Just for that, no crème
brulee for a week.

- Re-ready to go, Dad?

- Uh, go where?

- Uh, uh, fishing.

- It's awfully cold for fishing.

It's warmer in here.

- Well, I-I can turn on
the heater in the car,

and we could take that drive
through the covered bridge.

- Richie, if you don't mind,

I'd like to sit off
that big breakfast.

- Dad, ha-half the
week is gone already,

and... and we
haven't done anything.

At least the cheese factory.

- Great. Great. After
I've had my nap.

- Yeah. You'll want to nap
after sitting off that big breakfast.

- I thought you were
going fishing with your dad?

- No, only if they bring
the lake into the lobby.

All he wants to do is sit.

I mean, the... the whole
time he's been here,

we... we haven't done
one single father-son thing.

- Well, what do
you want him to do,

teach you to ride a bike?

- We could review it.

Joanna, when I was...
When I was growing up,

I wasn't really what...
what you'd call a-a fun kid.

I was kind of... low-key.

- Not you, d*ck!

- Oh, yeah.

My dad as always
asking me to go out

and play football
with him or go hiking,

but I mean, it... it just...
it didn't interest me.

I'd rather stay in my
room and take things apart

and see what makes them tick.

For instance, did...
did you ever wonder

how a three-way lightbulb works?

- It has three separate
filaments, doesn't it?

- Yeah.

Anyway, after turning my
dad down for so many times,

he stopped asking.

So when he... he wanted
to do a father-son thing,

he'd call my best friend Rusty.

- Don't tell me...
he had red hair.

- No, he kept stepping on nails.

- Okay. So you
robbed your father

of a few childhood memories.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

- Joanna, I'm
going to go out there

and have fun with my
dad even if it kills me.

Uh, Dad, wa-wake up.

- Oh, hi, Richie.

- Come on, we're going to go out

and throw the old
horsehide around.

- Horsehide. I-I
haven't heard that word

since Rusty went
into the service.

- I-I don't want to
hear about Rusty.

Come on, we-we'll play catch.

- Well, there's
snow on the ground.

- That won't stop us!

- You married quite an athlete.

- Come on. Let's kick some butt!

- What's going on?

- d*ck and his dad are throwing
the old horsehide around.

- Why?

- I think it has something
to do with male bonding.

- Ewww!

Isn't that where men snap
towels at each other's behinds

and pretend they're
superior to us?

- Yes!

- Dad, I-I-I'm so sorry.

- What happened?

- I was just swinging
into the drive

when I saw d*ck bounce
a wicked knuckleball

off his dad's head.

- Are you sure
you're all right, Dad?

- I don't know why
they call them softballs.

- Come on. I'll take
you up to your room.

- No, I'll be all right.

I'm a toughie.

Just let me sit awhile.

- Bill, what do you
think of this blouse?

- It's nice,

but I like the first one
you showed me better.

- Oh, and look,
here's an 800 number.

A person can shop without
even having to leave his sofa.

- What a world!

First we put a
man on the moon...

- You, uh, you... you ready?

- Uh, ready for what?

- To, uh, to... to
go to my show.

- Well, I'm not
sure I'm up to it

after yesterday's excitement.

- Dad... Dad, we're
talking Duke Mulberry.

I-I mean, you... you
won't want to miss that.

- I wouldn't dream
of missing it.

- Usual place for the TV, Bill?

- Ah, you read me
like a book, George.

- Who wants
homemade coffee cake?

- You married quite
a little hostess, Richie.

- You mean, you're all going to
watch Vermont Today from here?

- Well, sure. It's more
like a TV show this way.

- Gee, d*ck, you're
cutting it close.

- Yeah, I guess I
should get to the studio.

- Yeah, get a move on.

How can we watch you if
you're standing here in the room?

- In 4, 3, 2...

And now it's Vermont Today

starring d*ck Loudon.

- Hi there. Our guest today is
baseball great Duke Mulberry,

who's just written
a best-selling book

about his life in the
majors, "Hey, Duke."

It's a... it's a thrill to
have you on our show.

- Thank you, d*ck.

- Hey, Duke...

How did they ever come
up with the title " Hey, Duke"?

- Well, one time,

during my years
sittin' in the dugout,

the coach said, "Hey,
Duke, the phone."

I never forgot it.

- That's nice.

That's... that's fascinating.

Let's, um... let's
go back to 1954,

the White Sox,
bottom of the ninth.

Yankees up by 3, two
outs, bases loaded,

and you pitched the greaseball

that was smashed
right out of the park.

What-what were you
thinking at that moment, Duke?

- Beats me.

That's 34 years ago.

- But... but the
owner of the team

rushed out of the dugout and
chased you around the field

with a bat.

- I'm still drawin'
a blank, d*ck.

You know who'd remember that?

My boy, Little Duke.

He's right over there.

Hey, could we bring him up here?

Huh?

- Uh, sh-sure.

- Hey, son.
- Hey, Dad.

- Nice... nice to have
you on the show, Duke, Jr.

- Little Duke, d*ck.

- You know, d*ck,

Little Duke and I aren't
just father and son.

You know, we're buddies, too.

We do everything together.

- Hey, I never took
you on any dates.

- Hey, watch it there.
I can still take you on.

- Oh, I don't know, Dad,
I'm getting' pretty big!

- Oh, yeah?

Oh! I give! I give!

You know, that'll teach
the boy, huh, d*ck?

- Getting... getting
back to your book...

- That's a great idea.

Now there's the cutest story
in here about Little Duke.

What page, son?

The one with you and
I takin' a bath together.

- Oh, don't show him that!

I'll tell you, this guy,

he is always givin'
me the business.

- This... this is an act, right?

You... you two aren't...
aren't really that close.

- Hey, I love this
little palooka, huh!

- Well, I-I'm sure there
must have been times

when you-you've
had your differences.

- Me and Dad?

- Well now, hold on, son.

There was that one
little tussle, remember?

About who loved who more?

- Oh, yeah.

- You took baths together?

We'll have more Vermont Today

after these words.

We're out.

- Michael, Michael.
Is this a put-on?

N-No father and son in history
have had that much fun together.

- d*ck, not every
son's idea of fun

is burning a softball
into his dad's skull.

- Wha... don't you...

don't you find that
affection grating?

- d*ck, this is one of America's
most beloved families.

What are you going
to do for an encore,

pummel the Van Pattens?

Back in 5, 4, 3...
- d*ck, please!

- Hey, Dukes.

Let's cut the crap.

- There you go, young man.

- Very collegiate.

Usually we just stick
his head in the freezer

and snap off the ends.

- Okay, there's your lollipop.

Oh, there's one for you, too.

- Much obliged.

Let's go, Darryl.

- Oh, one more thing.

If you want to give
it more fullness,

you may want to rub a
little mousse through it.

- It won't hurt, Darryl.

The baby ones
don't have antlers.

- Oh, hi, Richie.

I still got the touch.

- Well, I-I have
something for you.

- We're not going to have
to play catch again, are we?

- No.

- Hey, Duke
Mulberry's autograph.

He signed it twice?

- Duke wouldn't sign it
unless Little Duke signed it, too.

- Thanks.

That was quite a show.

Did you really think
it was necessary

to make Little Duke cry?

- I guess... I guess
I got a little crazy.

- Well, I don't blame them
for walking off like that,

but it was pretty impressive
to see a man Duke's age

carry a full-grown
man on his shoulders.

- Well, you know, some
fathers have fun with their sons.

- Well, we had fun.
We played a little catch.

I enjoyed every second of it

until I blacked out
and fell in the driveway.

Now don't give me that face.

I've had a great time.

- When? You... you
never got off the sofa.

- That's just it.

I didn't have to go
out and see the town;

the town came to see me.

I got to meet a
lot of your friends.

I told a joke or
two, gave a haircut.

I even got to charge a
blouse over the phone.

- Well, I just... I just
thought, you know,

you'd have more
fun if you stood.

- I stood for 40
years. It's nice to sit.

Besides, your mother
runs me ragged in Sarasota.

- Yeah, but I-I mean, I had
all kinds of things planned.

- Richie, you don't have to go

running around a cheese
factory to have a good time.

You don't know how
comfortable this sofa can be.

Come here. Sit down next to me.

- Um, it is... It
is kind of comfy.

- Oh, yeah.

- And... and you're sure
you've had a good time?

- Oh, it's even better now.

Ow!

- Meow.
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