07x13 - Another Saturday Night

[bunniefuu]

- Mail call.

- Right here! Here I am.

- It's for d*ck.

- Oh, fud.

Why do we even
bother having a mailbox?

- It's a status thing.

- Boy, d*ck, that's
some rooster.

- It's-it's a hand, George.

- Are you sure? It
looks more like a rooster.

- Okay, it's a rooster.

You want it?

- Wow, thanks!

Look Joanna, an
original unsigned d*ck.

- Nice rooster.

- Oh honey, listen to this:

th-the Brookville Academy
wants me to speak

at their commencement
ceremonies next Saturday.

- Well, that's wonderful.

I don't believe I've ever heard
of the Brookville Academy.

- A-And listen to their motto:
"Educating tomorrow's leaders."

Not... not followers,
mind you, leaders.

- Why would they
want you to speak?

You're not important.

- Stephanie, I'm a successful
author and talk show host.

- Yeah?

- Maybe somebody lost a bet.

- Hi ho, Loudon, and
Loudon counterpart.

Hello, Stephanie.

- Michael.

- So, that's some bag
you've got there, Michael.

- It's for you.

It's all the little momentos
you've given me

through the years.

I figured you'd want them
back now that we're apart. So...

- "Number One Lover"?
I didn't give you that.

- Right, I-I bought
it for myself.

It was on sale.

- Well, it would be silly for
you to keep these things.

After all, we mean nothing
to each other anymore, right?

- Right.

- Michael, guess
who's going to speak

at the Brookville Academy's
commencement ceremonies?

I-I-I am.

- Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my bro...

Uh-oh, Darryl, I think
we may have wandered in

on some smooth boys in action.

- What, uh, what
can I do for you guys?

- We've come to remind you
about our dinner party this Saturday.

Also, to tell you
to dress casual,

although Darryl does
have strong feelings

about people who
wear culottes to dinner.

- Oh Larry, I'm sorry, we
can't make it this Saturday.

d*ck has a speaking engagement.

- As I recall, when we
made these dinner plans

four months ago, you
promised to be there.

We should have known
you were just slipping us

the old rubber possum.

Come on, Darryl.

- Guys, guys, wait.

What... what if... what
if Joanna went alone?

- What?

- I guess that would be okay.

I don't think so, Darryl.

Even though Miss Joanna
will be coming unescorted,

she's still a married woman.

- Larry, you know
I'd love to go,

but d*ck needs me
at the graduation

to look on adoringly
as he speaks.

- Hey JoJo, what
if I go with you?

I don't have a life.

And the unemployment office said

I should never turn
down a free meal.

- What do you say, Miss Joanna?

We'll be serving most of
your favorite vertebrates.

- Then how could I say no?

- Great.

Darryl, why don't you watch TV,

so I can discuss
the dinner menu.

They may have food allergies.

We don't want their
throats to swell shut.

- You know, Lar,
I do seem to have

a slight reaction
to jumbo shrimp,

although regular
shrimp doesn't affect me.

And clams, well,
don't get me started.

- Actually, that was
just a clever ruse

so I could explain my
desperate need for company.

See, even though my
brothers are more fun

than a barrel of
Jan Murrays, they...

they're just not deep thinkers.

They'd rather spend their
time making teeth mosaics

than discussing
anything of relevance.

- Kids today, you know, if-if
they're not watching MTV,

they're... they're
making tooth art.

Guys, would, uh, would you
like me to turn that TV on for you?

Oh... oh, Joanna, do
you find this inspiring?

"As you leave these
hallowed halls and go forth..."

- I don't want to hear it.

Because of you, I may
have to eat beetle tonight.

- I-I understa... I understand
it tastes like, uh, chicken.

Honey, would... would
you stop worrying?

Y-you'll have a great time.

All... all you have to do
is-is-is believe in yourself,

and if you believe in yourself,
you can climb any mountain,

ford any stream, follow any...

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- Uh, it-it's from my speech.

Were... were you inspired?

- Yeah, to get a g*n.

- Salutations, d*ck, and date.

Are you ready for a scrumptious
dinner of God knows what?

- Ready as I'll ever be.

Been coating my
stomach since this morning.

- Now listen up, Michael.

I want Joanna home
at a decent hour

and I don't want
her walking in here

with her blouse misbuttoned.

- Don't worry, sir.

I'll have your
spouse in her blouse

in the house by 11.

- Good... good lad.

Well, I'm off to enlighten
the future leaders of America.

Joanna, are-aren't you
going to wish me luck?

- Are you going to be eating
bugs for dinner tonight?

- 'Night, honey.

- Don't you have a home?

- I'm here to escort Joanna
to Larry, Darryl and Darryl's

for an evening of fine dining
and highbrow conversation.

You ready? We better get
there before our dinner slithers off

or waddles off.

- Goodnight, Stephanie.

- Watch out for him.

He likes to touch your
thigh when he's shifting.

- I'll sit in the back.

- Hi, Stephanie.
What are you doing?

- Having a much better
time than Michael and Joanna

could possibly have
in a million years.

- Oh, sorry I interrupted.

- Oh George, wait.

It's just that this is
the first Saturday night

since I was 13 that
I haven't had a date.

- You don't need a date to
have fun on a Saturday night.

I hardly ever go out,
and I have lots of fun.

- Really? What do you do?

- Well, first I make a
big bowl of popcorn,

sometimes with Mrs. Dash and
sometimes with Molly McButter.

Then I plant myself
in front of the TV

and eat until I'm
so full I see dots.

Then I wash it down
with a gallon of scotch.

- Darryl, how many
times must I tell you

the chipmunk fork
goes to the right?

The salad fork... Our
guests have arrived.

Darryl, put that
joy buzzer away.

There will be no
novelty items tonight,

and that includes wax lips.

Sorry.

Hi, I'm Lawrence, this is
my good brother, Darryl

and this is my other
good brother, Darryl.

- Hey guys, nice digs.

Not half as weird
as I thought it'd be.

- Thank you.

We appreciate the
backhanded compliment.

Miss Joanna, your
being in real estate,

you'd be qualified to help us.

Darryl's been batting
around the idea

of putting our
home on the market.

What do you think our
little nest would fetch?

- Well, the land alone
is worth at least $30,000.

- And the combination
of land and house?

- Seventeen, tops.

- Before dinner, we thought
we'd start with cocktails.

- Oh. Sounds great.
I'll... I'll have a margarita.

- Bloody Mary.

- Listen to that, Darryl,

Miss Joanna and Michael
name their cocktails.

What an interesting,
albeit eccentric, custom.

- Thank you.

Are we supposed to eat these?

- I don't know. Let me
try a little improv here.

To the swamp.

- To the swamp.

- To the swamp.

Well, if we're all done
with our cocktails,

I'll go get the
finger sandwiches.

- Larry.
- Yes, Miss Joanna?

- You know what I like
doing after cocktails?

Holding our hands up

to make sure all
our fingers are there.

Okay Larry, bring on
the finger sandwiches.

- Wonder what she'll do
when we serve the rump roast.

- You know, Mr. Loudon,

this year's graduates
have achieved

a higher degree of academic
excellence than ever before.

It's our hope that your
speech will inspire them

to even greater heights.

- Well, you know, this is my
first commencement address,

so I know I won't be
as polished as, say,

Lee Iacocca or
Bill... Bill Buckley.

- Oh.

Well, just do your best.

That's all we ask
of our students,

so that's all we can ask of you.

- Sort of a-an "A" for effort.

- We'll see.

Now if you'll just
take your seat.

Did you even try to
get Iacocca or Buckley?

- They wanted money.

- Well, I just hate
scraping bottom like this.

- He's tough.

- Oh, he's tough, but good.

And because of him, 90
percent of our students

end up as heads of
major corporations

before they're 27.

- Wow.

How... how did I get this job?
Did s-somebody lose a bet?

- Sure, rub it in.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

good evening and welcome
to Brookville Academy.

I am Dean Dackman, and
it's a great honor for me

to introduce to you the
graduating class of 1989.

- Hit me.

- Gee, for a wine you
said tasted like swill,

you're sure sucking it back.

- Well, I was too
quick to judge.

This wine has a personality
that's not immediately evident.

- That's what my mother
used to say about me.

- Oh look, here's a
picture of Michael and me

on that picnic in the forest.

We had to fire our maître d'

because he placed our
blanket on an incline.

- Hey, you want
to make a volcano

out of baking soda and vinegar?

- Here we are at
the amusement park.

They kicked us out
because we stayed too long

in the House of Mirrors.

Oh, and here we are in a
rowboat on Lake Winnipeg.

It... it started to pour...

Michael had to
row the boat ashore.

- Hallelujah.

You know, I'm usually
not one to give my opinion

unless I'm asked,

but you're not acting
like the Stephanie I know.

- You mean, I'm usually
not a drunken sot?

- No, you're usually
not so pathetic.

- Wouldn't you feel
sorry for yourself

if Michael broke up with you?

- I'd be heartbroken.

I suppose like Pagliacci,
I'd hide my deep sorrow

behind the mask of
the happy handyman.

But then I'd be plenty PO'ed.

I mean, the nerve
of that Michael,

dumping a sweet guy like me.

- You're right.

Michael broke up with me.

I should be furious with him.

Who do you think you are,
you out-of-work clotheshorse?

I don't need you and
that damn rowboat.

- Oh, you ripped his head off.

- I'm just getting warmed up.

- Miss Joanna, how did
you enjoy your entree?

- What was it again?

- It was a little recipe passed
down from my Great Uncle Darryl

and my other Great Uncle Darryl.

Something old, something new,

something borrowed,
something dead.

- Well, I'm glad to see
you included something

from each of the four
major food groups.

- You going to eat those quills?

- Enjoy.

- Thanks, I'll just take these
home for a late night suck.

- Well, I guess
it's time to begin

our intellectual discussion.

Yep, there they go again.

Any time they hear
the word "intellectual,"

they throw themselves
into their teeth.

Now, are there
any issues or topics

you're particularly fond of?

Etymology?

Theosophy?

Physics?

- Well, as long as I don't have
to turn my head and cough.

- I'll start the ball rolling
by throwing out a question.

What's your opinion
on the big bang theory?

- Well, uh, there's so
many schools of thought.

Personally, I think they're
fine if you have a high forehead.

- Excuse me.

- Do you feel as dumb as I do?

- Yeah.

- It seems I overestimated
the caliber of Miss Joanna

and Michael's intelligence.

I know now that I shouldn't
have looked elsewhere

for intellectual
stimulation when all along,

it was right here in
my own backyard.

Our problem now is what
to do about our guests.

Good thinking, Darryl.
You go get ready.

I guess you two are brain
tired from our mental workout.

Why don't we take a break?

- A break is good.

- My brothers will
now entertain you

with a musical interlude.

- Good luck, Dillon.

You'll be a fine
asset to Merrill Lynch.

And now, I would like to
introduce our guest speaker,

novelist and talk show
host Mr. Richard Loudon.

- Well thank you. Thank
you, Dean... Dean Dackman.

A-actually, I'm not a
novelist. I write how-to books.

But I-I have created some
memorable novel-like characters,

like Mr. Spevack,

the knowledgeable
hardware store owner.

Or-or Mrs... Mrs. Sanacoy,

the... the well-meaning but
daffy plumber's assistant.

- Get on with it.
You're losing them.

- Gra-graduates of
Brookville Academy,

as-as you go forth
into... into college...

uh, kindergarten,

you'll... you'll look
back on these years...

Uh, year... with a
great sense of nostalgia.

That... that means you'll,
like, remember all the fun stuff.

See, I-I thought you
kids would be older,

so a lot... a lot of my
speech doesn't, uh...

All right, who... who
sh*t the spitball?

Y-you may think that's funny,
but a person can lose an eye.

Of course, you know, it'd
have to be spit real hard.

You know, kids, there
are... there are two paths

th-that you can take in life.

The one path, like the one
taken by the anonymous spitballer,

can lead to a-a life of crime
and possible imprisonment.

The other path, I'll... I'll
call it the path of goodness,

can... can lead to a-a
life... a life of happiness.

So it-it's up to you to decide
w-which path you'd like to take.

Thank you, and that
concludes my speech.

- Mr. Loudon, that was a
wonderfully brief speech.

- Not bad for a
how-to writer, huh?

- Well, you get
what you pay for.

Now, since we were all
so inspired by Mr. Loudon,

I think it only appropriate
that he now lead us

in the singing of
our school song.

- D-Dean... Dean Dackman, I
don't know your school song.

- ♪ There was a
farmer Had a dog ♪

♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪

♪ B-I-N-G-O B-I-N-G-O ♪

♪ B-I-N-G-O And
Bingo was his name-o ♪

♪ There was a farmer Had a dog ♪

♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪

♪ I-N-G-O -I-N-G-O ♪

♪ -I-N-G-O And Bingo
was his name-o ♪

- Meow.