07x20 - Georgie and Bess

[bunniefuu]

- Morning, d*ck, Joanna.

- Hi, George. W-Where
have you been?

- Why? Did you drive
past the Johnson place

and see someone
resembling me fixing the roof?

- No.

- Good, because it wasn't me.

I'd never take an
outside job on your time.

- Good, because
I'd probably have to

chop your hands
off if you... if you did.

- You would?

- We've done it before.

- In that case, I'm
sure it wasn't me.

- Hi. I'm Larry, this
is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellows.

- Look, Darryl, roofing tar.

I told you that was George

behind the rubber
nose and glasses.

- What's, uh, what's...
what's going on, fellows?

- Well, we're trying
to lift Darryl's spirits.

We used to take
him to the petting zoo,

but we've been banned

since Darryl got caught
shaving his name on a llama.

- Wasn't that during their
two-week llama-rama?

- Why is Darryl so depressed?

- Well, whereas Darryl and I

enjoy the simple
pleasures of life,

like folk dancing
and ferret tug,

Darryl here would
rather slop his mind

with something less strenuous.

In short, a heart-popping,
down-and-dirty game of chess.

- You know, d*ck was on
his high school chess team.

- Well... captain.

- Listen Darryl, I think I
hear the sound of a gauntlet

being heaved in your direction.

- G-Guys, I haven't played chess

since we... we snared
the state championship,

so, I, you know, I
might be a little rusty.

Oh, go on, honey, it'll be fun.

And if he happens to
slaughter you, so what?

It's not like he's
going to tell anyone.

- Okay, okay, Darryl, you're on.

I should warn you,

I was awarded the Browns
rook three years running.

Choose for first move?

- On the street, it's
whoever lets a match burn

closest to his fingers
without screaming.

- Why... why don't
I just... just go first?

- Wow, d*ck, you are good.

- George, that is the most
common opening move in chess.

- And you can spout
off statistics, too.

- Come on, Darryl.

- Aren't you going to
stay and watch the game?

- And leave those
ferrets untugged?

Priorities, George.

- Oh, hello. Welcome
to the Stratford.

- Is that Little
Georgie all grown up?

- But we haven't
called him Little Georgie

since his 50th birthday.

- It is Georgie. Oh, I'm
so happy to see you.

- Oh, me too. Who are you?

- You don't remember
your Aunt Bess?

- Aunt Bess, it's really you?

Oh, boy.

No offense, but 45 years
ago, you looked much younger.

- So did you, Georgie.

Last time I saw
you, you were 13.

Oh, your body still makes that
cracking noise when I hug you.

- So does yours.

Say, I'd like you
to meet my friends.

That's d*ck, that's
Darryl, and that's Joanna.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- George, I-I thought y-you
didn't have any relatives.

- Well, uh, she's
not really my aunt.

She's a close
friend of the family.

I'll never forget those
Saturdays in Rutland.

Aunt Bess had an
old house on the lake.

That was during WWII.

That's short for World w*r II.

- Thanks for putting it in terms
I could understand, George.

- That was such a long time ago,

and before I moved
down to Tampa.

I'm up here for a funeral.

- Don't they have any in Tampa?

- Oh Georgie, you
haven't changed a bit.

Old Herb Sweeney
finally passed away.

He was 103.

- Well, I guess old age
catches up with all of us

sooner or later.

- Oh, it wasn't that.

He d*ed on the
job at the market.

He was lifting a sack of
potatoes above his head,

showing off shamelessly
to some giggling co-eds,

when the sack ripped open.

Poor fool never
knew what hit him.

- Another... another
freak potato accident.

- George, maybe your Aunt
Bess would like to stay with us

while she's here.

- Could she? Could
she? Could you?

- I wouldn't want to impose.

- Oh, we'd love to have you.

George, go get her luggage
and I'll show her to Room 3.

- Well, if you're sure.

- This will be
just like old times,

except we're not in Rutland,

and we're both 45 years older,

and there's no old
house on the lake,

and we're not still
fighting the Nazis.

- But except for that, the
illusion's complete, George.

Got you on the ropes, huh?

- How long has he been here?

- Ten and a half hours.

Didn't you notice him

when... when you were
doing your cleaning?

- d*ck, this is a big room.

You can't expect me to
notice every little odd and end.

What's he doing?

- He's playing chess with me.

- Oh, what does the winner get?

- The satisfaction of
outwitting his opponent.

- No, I mean, what do you win?

Cash? Prizes?

Fabulous trips?

- Y-You don't win anything.

- Oh, this chess thing will
be popular for a long time.

- What a lovely dinner, Joanna.

- Thank you.

- If you think her
fettuccini is good,

she makes this great dish
with macaroni and cheese.

Now what's that
called again, Joanna?

- Macaroni and cheese.

- You know what would
taste good right now?

One of your
homemade cherry tarts.

- You remember the time
you snuck a whole batch

out of my kitchen?

- How'd you know that was me?

- Oh Georgie, it takes more
than a rubber nose and glasses

to fool your Aunt Bess.

- Old habits die hard.

- It's too bad life can't
be as pleasant as it was

during World w*r II.

- It's almost a
shame it had to end.

- Yeah, I remember Mom
worked in a munitions plant.

Dad used to call her
"Swing Shift Sally."

- I thought your mother's
name was Maureen.

- It was, but there was already
a "Swing Shift" Maureen.

- Did your dad fight in the w*r?

- No, he tried to enlist
but they wouldn't take him

because of that bum chin of his.

- That's... that's what
kept me out of Korea.

- Those days, you couldn't
tear Georgie away from the radio.

As I recall, your favorite
was the Goldbergs.

- That's because I had a
crush on Gertrude Berg,

until my dad showed
me a picture of her.

- Georgie, is that a
hole in your sock?

- Yeah.

- Didn't I just darn that
for you 45 years ago?

- Well, it ripped again
when disco got big.

- We're going to march
right up to your room

and darn it again.

Then we're going through
your whole sock drawer.

- Oh, boy.

- I'm not going to have
you walking around

like some ragamuffin.

- Gee, when was the last time
you heard the word "ragamuffin"?

- Just about the last time
I heard the word "disco."

- Georgie, all your socks are
worn out in the same place.

- I know, that's where
I keep my lucky penny.

- Doesn't it hurt to walk
around on a penny all day?

- After years of walking around
on my lucky chunk of shrapnel,

this is a breeze.

Oh look, here's
Dad's old chin strap.

And there's still
plenty of life left in it.

- Oh, the laughter
and cruel jokes

he had to endure
when he wore this.

But I couldn't help myself.

- Here's a picture of me
by the old Studebaker.

Remember the night Dad let
me camp out in the backseat

in front of your house?

- You always were
quite the little soldier.

- Gee, I can't find one
picture with you in it.

I remember that Dad
took a whole bunch.

- I have them all down in Tampa.

After the w*r, he thought
I should keep them.

- Why?

You think he'd want to remember
all the good times we had.

- Well, there are
some good times

that are best left unremembered.

- What are you talking about?

- I really thought you would
have figured this out years ago.

Georgie, I was your
father's mistress.

- Didn't Darryl
want any breakfast?

- He wouldn't touch it.

He's just sitting there staring
at that stupid chessboard.

Are we sure he's alive?

- We think so,
but to be positive,

you could put a
mirror under his nose.

- Ew, forget it.

What if he breathed
on it or something?

- Do chess games
normally take this long?

- He still hasn't
made his first move.

Maybe I should go in
and concede right now.

- Honey!

No, you can't quit.

I mean, you were the captain
of your high school chess team.

- I wasn't... I-I wasn't
the official captain.

- No?

- I was the... I was
the recording secretary.

I counted all the
pieces af-after the game

to make sure no one...
no one had swiped any.

- That's it?

- Well, they don't count
themselves, you know.

- Morning, all.

Hope I'm not crowdin', Loudon.

- Hi, Michael. How
have you been?

- Say hello to the town's
newest bag person.

- You've been kicked
out of your condo?

- No, I'm working
the checkout line

at Minky's Grocery.

There was an opening
after the last guy bought it

trying to hoist a sack of spuds.

Could you part with a tart?

Mm, yummy-licious.

- H-Hi, George.
Where-Where's Aunt Bess?

- You mean Aunt Hotsy-Totsy?

- Is that the same
aunt we met yesterday?

- George, how could
you say such a thing?

- I see she pulled the
wool over your eyes too

with that innocent elderly act.

- George, I don't mind
saying I'm Utley confused.

Give us the 4-1-1.

- Sorry, Michael, this
story is not for the ears

of a decent woman.

- Maybe I'll go see
if Darryl's breathing.

- You want to tell
us about it, George?

- Hold on to your hats.

Last night, I found
out Aunt Bess

was my father's whoopie girl.

- Wh-Whoopie girl?

- No wonder she's so
good at making tarts.

- And all this time,
you never knew

she was your padre's compadre?

- So obvious, and I
never, ever picked up on it.

- Gee Dad, how come Mom
isn't coming on our sleepover

to Aunt Bess'?

- What did I just tell you?

- Oh, right.

No girls allowed.

But isn't Aunt Bess a girl?

- She's a woman, Georgie.

All woman.

- I got my canteen.
Where's yours?

- Right here.

- Why are you packing
those stockings?

- These are special prescription
stockings for Aunt Bess.

Doctor's orders.

- Oh, they're soft.

- They're silk.

- Well, I hope they work better
than the prescription nightie

you bought her last week.

- We can only hope.

How would my little major

like to camp out
in the car tonight?

You could be on,
uh, enemy watch.

- Oh, boy. And I can wear these.

That way, if old Hirohito
comes looking for Georgie Utley,

he won't recognize me.

- Take them off, son.

Hirohito might be the
enemy, but he's not stupid.

Here soldier, why don't you
add these to your K-rations?

- Hot dog, a Hershey bar.

You're okay, Dad.

- Eat it one letter
at a time, son.

It's got to last you all night.

How do I smell?

- Hubba hubba woo woo woo, Dad!

- Come on, son.

Let's hit the beach.

- Hey Dad, I'll bet you a nickel
I'll have more fun than you.

- Don't be too quick to
throw your money away.

- Hubba hubba woo woo woo?

- He smelled like
a real cad, d*ck.

- Well, you're lucky.

At least your old man didn't
bring his girlfriends home

and parade them around

in front of his
wife and children.

- Gee, Michael,
your father did that?

- No, but wouldn't
that be horrible?

- You can't... you
can't change the past.

You're just... just going to
have to come to terms with it.

- Did your father ever do this?

- To my mother? Are you nuts?

- Morning, George.

Morning, d*ck.

- Hi. Hi, Aunt Bess.

This is our friend,
Michael. Michael Harris.

- Hi, Aunt Bess.
- Nice to meet you, Michael.

- You can save your
clever come-on lines.

He's not the kind
of guy you'd fall for.

He's a bachelor.

- Georgie?

Georgie?

Is that you?

- How did you know
I was down here?

- Your dad once told me
this is where you go to think,

and measure yourself.

- What an odd thing to say
during the throes of passion.

- I just wanted to let you know

I'm all packed up
and ready to go.

- Good.

- George, this has been
an emotional couple of days,

what with you finding out
about your father and me

and seeing old Herb Sweeney

laid out in his bag boy uniform.

- Why did you have to
tell me about you and Dad?

- I'm sorry. I really
thought you knew.

- I still can't believe it.

You and Dad carrying on.

- I know, and I had to bear
the shame of it all these years.

If there's one thing
in my life I regret,

it's those seven sordid
minutes with your dad.

- Seven minutes? That's
it? It didn't go on for years?

- Heavens, no.

But it was enough to
brand me a mistress for life.

To this day, I still don't
know what possessed him

to stay over that
Saturday night.

- Oh, my God.

I've been remembering
it all wrong.

- Oh, please, Dad.

Can't we stay over at
Aunt Bess' just this once?

- I don't think that's
such a good idea, son.

I should be here to fix
breakfast for your mom

when she gets home from work.

- Oh, but Dad, if we slept over,
we could get up bright and early

just when the fish are biting.

Mom would like it if we
brought home some trout.

- Well, your mom does
love her trout and eggs.

Okay, maybe just this once.

- Hot dog.

- I'll ask Aunt Bess
if it's all right for you

to sleep in the house with her.

I suppose I can
sleep in the car.

- Oh jeepers, Dad, not fair.

How come you get
to have all the fun?

Can't I sleep in the car and
you sleep with Aunt Bess?

- No, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

- Don't worry,
Dad. I'll be safe.

I'll lock all the doors

and in case Hirohito comes
looking for Georgie Utley,

I'll put these on so
he won't recognize me.

- Take them off, son.

Hirohito may be the
enemy, but he's not stupid.

- It was all my fault.

I practically threw
him in your bed.

- Don't go punishing
yourself, George.

I've been doing it 45
years and it's not worth it.

Maybe it's time we
put all this behind us.

- Yeah, we all make mistakes.

Yesterday, I did an
outside roofing job

for the Johnsons on the sly.

I pulled the wool
right over d*ck's eyes.

- I'm sure you did.

Come on upstairs and have
some cherry tarts with me.

- Hot dog, cherry tarts.
You're okay, Aunt Bess.

- You're okay too, George.

- Seven minutes?

- And that included drinks.

- What are you
doing up so early?

- Why haven't you told me
about this fascinating game?

- Well, I assumed you wouldn't
be interested, you know,

because you have to
use, you know, your brain.

- d*ck, how little you know me.

I love to think.

- R-Really?

- I read somewhere it
stimulates the hair follicles.

I mean, you don't get this

without putting in
a little hard work.

- Well, you'll go bald
watching this game.

He... he hasn't moved a
muscle in two and a half days.

Darryl, make your damn move.

Yes, it's your move.

You've been sitting here
for two and a half days

thinking it was my move?

You see the pawn?
That was my move.

- Meow!