07x22 - Malling in Love Again

[bunniefuu]

- Hi. I'm Larry, this
is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellows. What's new?

- It seems a few years back, we
borrowed some sugar from you

and never returned it.

Today, as serendipity
would have it,

Darryl found it when
he inadvertently

reached into the wrong
pocket for his tube of Orajel.

- Guys, why... why don't
you just... just keep the sugar?

Joanna and I recently decided
to become, um, hypoglycemic.

- We felt it was time.

- Well, you know where it
is if you start to get dizzy.

Excuse me, but I
can't help noticing

you pay your own gas bill.

- Of course. Who
else would pay it?

- Johnny Carson pays ours.

- Johnny Carson, th-the one
that hosts The Tonight Show?

- He has time to do both things.

It only takes a few
minutes to write a check.

- And he does have
his Monday nights off.

- Some-Somehow, I'm skeptical.

- I'll show you the TV Guide.

- No, I-I mean
about Johnny Carson

paying their gas bill.

- I don't think
d*ck believes us.

- No, I'm just saying, you
know, it seems farfetched.

You know, maybe if
you had said Jay Leno...

- We've got better things
to do than stand here

and be humored by
an ersatz hypoglycemic.

Come on, Darryl, I guess
there's no point in telling him

who pays our cable bill.

- I bet it's George Maharis.

- Hi, Michael. How are
things at the market?

- Super.

But call me Mikey.

Bag boys' names
have to end in "y" or "ie."

Some union thing.

- I see you're bringing
your work home with you.

- Yeah, it's bread.
It's one of the few

fringe bens of the bag boy biz.

You get all the day-old
white and wheat you want.

And since my crust runneth over,

this bread's for you.

- Thanks, Mikey.

- Hi, Steph.

- Hi, Michael.

This is Todd, a man.

- Stephanie, I don't mind
if you call Todd a man,

Todd a date, unless of
course he's not a date.

In which case, he's wasted
a snootful of good cologne.

- So how... how
was your, uh, date?

- Oh, great. Just great.

What a great, great date.

- Was it great for you too?

- The greatest.

Todd is such a date.

- You make it easy.

I'll call you tomorrow.

You are great.

- No, you are.

- Great.

- Well, I'm so glad
you two hit it off.

You know, sometimes
when you fix people up,

it doesn't work out and...

- The date's done.
Todd's a lerp.

- You wonder why
you even bothered.

What's wrong with him?

- He hasn't the vaguest
idea how to treat a woman.

He only told me I looked
ravishing four times.

- The swine.

Perhaps as a fetus he
didn't get enough oxygen.

- I mean, this dress alone is
worth going on and on about.

And then he took me to
some stupid boring play,

The Taming of the... something.

- Shrew.

- I heard that, d*ck.

- Well, Stephanie, if you
had such a miserable time,

why did you let him think
you'd go out with him again?

- I didn't want to destroy him.

And besides, since this
whole thing's your fault,

you'll have to
destroy him for me.

- What?

- Well, that seems fair.

- Boy, there sure are
a lot of losers out there,

and you seem to know them all.

- Brainstorm, Steph, let
Michael find you someone.

- You'd do that for me?

- Who better than I?

We were a cupcake
twin pack for five years.

I've read all your diaries.

- What?

- Did I say I've read them?

Well... hey, ravishing dress.

- Good save.

- Besides, I'd like to
think I'm still your friend.

- Well, I guess enough
time has passed

since we split up that
we could be friends.

And while you're
finding a guy for me,

I'll find a girl for you.

- Fabtastic.

- Now, where will we
find these someones?

- Where else? The mall.

- Of course.

Let's get started.

Oh, he's cute.

- Steph, bad hair, needs gel.

- You're right.

- How about her?

- Tendency towards weight gain.

I can tell, even
without my calipers.

- What an eye you have.

- Him?

- Doesn't know the 60s are over.

- Maybe I'm not
being critical enough.

How about that one?

- Now that passerby is possible.

Excuse me, sir?

Could we ask you
a few questions?

- Sure.

- Name?

- Dirk Anderson.

- Occupation?

- Bag boy.

- Ew.

Oh sorry, Michael.

- Dirky?

- Mikey?

- I didn't recognize you without
your day-old birthday cakes.

- I left them in the car.

- Talk shop later.
- Oh, right. Sorry.

Is your adjusted gross
income from line 30

of last year's tax
return above $100,000?

- What are you, stupid?
I've only been bagging

for 12 years.

- Thank you. Please move on.

- What are these
questions for anyway?

- Well, we're...
testing soft drinks.

- Shouldn't you give
me a soft drink to taste?

- You don't make enough
to taste our soft drinks.

Now, please move on.

- See you at worky, Dirky.

Hey, how about her?

- Has possibilities.

Excuse me, come
over here, please.

Name?

- Stacy Willows.

- Favorite magazine?

- National Review.

- I'm not sure what that is,
but I'm still taking points off.

Have you ever sat through
an entire Shakespeare play

without falling asleep?

- How could anyone fall
asleep watching Shakespeare?

- Well, if you have to
ask that, please, move on.

- We have got to
talk to mall security.

They're letting in just
about anything these days.

Name?

- Brett.

- Brett what?

- Brett Shwinkin.

- Thank you, please move on.

- Hold... hold, please.

Steph, we've been here all day.

Maybe we should
lower our standards.

- We're not lowering
them to Shwinkin.

Go, please.

- Excuse me, but
didn't the two of you

once give me a fashion citation?

- I wouldn't think so.

I don't see any
obvious violations.

- That's because your citation
really had an effect on me.

I was forced to reevaluate
my entire life and color sense.

I am now possibly the best
dressed bag boy in my grocery.

- Bretty?

- Mikey?

- I didn't recognize you without
your ripped sacks of flour.

- They're in the car.

- Well, keep up the
good work, you hear?

- Bye-bye now.
- Later.

- Is it some sort
of bag boy holiday?

- Mall is closing
in five minutes.

- Oh, we can't leave yet.
We haven't found our dates.

- Why don't you go hang
out with the other mall rats

in front of Mr. Stiffy's motel?

There's a lot of
dates down there.

- You don't understand.

We're doing a scientific
survey to find our spiritual mates.

- And you haven't
interviewed me?

- Name?

- Barber.

Floyd D. Barber.

- Do you net over
$100,000 a year?

- No, but I will soon.

I just finished a screenplay

and people are saying
good things about it.

- Very nice. Please move on.

- Hey, how about her? She
seems to have date survey potench.

- Sure, for the plain Jane type.

We better leave before
your eyes go completely.

- Excuse me, miss.

Can we ask you a few questions?

- All right.

- Name?
- Jennifer Allison.

- Sounds like it was
changed from something.

Probably Shwinkin.

- Favorite magazine?

- Oh, either Cosmo or Vogue.

Please don't make
me choose which one.

- Michael, she's
all wrong for you.

She's wishy-washy.

- Hey, are you two
screening for dates?

- How'd you know?

- I do the same
thing all the time.

I haven't had much luck though.

Of course, I've never
surveyed you before.

- How do you feel
about Shakespeare?

- Oh, I love him.

He makes the best
pizza in the mall.

- Steph, wipe off that frown
and cheer up, fabtastic.

This is my dream girl.

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is
my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

And this, for your inspection,

is five years' worth
of gas bill receipts.

- "Johnny Carson
paid this gas bill."

He wrote this?
- No, I did.

- Well, Larry,
that doesn't prove

that he pays your gas bill.

- I see.

So you're implying
that we'd mess up

a perfectly good gas bill

just to pull off an
elaborate hoax?

We're shocked.

In fact, Darryl can't
even look you in the eye.

It has nothing to do
with that sty of his.

- d*ck, I can't help
feeling a little hurt.

- W-Why is that, George?

- Well, Johnny Carson
pays their gas bill.

Who's ever offered to pay mine?

- George, I-I pay your gas bill.

- And that's the best I can do?

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- Joanna, did you
dump Todd for me?

- Sort of.

I told him you're off
to Paris for a year

to train for the Tour
de France bicycle race.

- Well, at least you didn't
tell him something silly.

- Joanna, I said dump
the guy, not lie to him.

You can be so mean sometimes.

- Greetings, innkeep, housekeep.

- Hi, Mikey.

- Stephy, I just
stopped by the mall.

- Did you buy me something?
- Did I buy you some...

Well actually I... Hey,
ravishing babushka.

- Another classic save.

- Anyway, I was cruising
by the sporting goods store

to give Jennifer a morning yoho,

and as luck would have it,
she was just starting her break.

We spent the entire
ten minutes just talking.

- What did you find to
talk about all that time?

- Shoes.

I mean, I used
to sell slingbacks,

sandals and slippers,
while she sells

Reeboks by the seed store.

- Oh, she's got a
real challenging job.

- And to think my
ex-cupcake brought me

to my cupcake in the baking.

I mean, thanks to you,

we're having a dream date
dinner at Danny's Diner at eight-ish.

Thanks for the love
connection, Steph.

You're the best
friend a guy ever had.

- No, that... that would
be Johnny Carson.

- Now are you ready to order?

- Actually, I'm still
waiting for my gal pal,

but I'm sure she'll
be here soon.

- Probably still trying to pick
out just the right ball gown

to wear to this
elegant ristorante.

- She'll be here,
Flo, all right?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Stephanie?

- Michael.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, I just
suddenly got a craving

for something gray and wet.

Say, weren't you supposed
to meet your dream date

here tonight?

- Yeah, she's a tad tardy.

Maybe there's a traffic tie-up.

- Well, you know
these country roads.

I hear a cow jackknifed
on Harley Memorial Bridge.

Milk everywhere.

Look, I don't want
to cramp your style.

I'll just grab this
booth over here.

- Well, look, as long
as I'm sitting here...

- Okay.

- About time you showed, hon.

- Oh, actually,
this isn't my date.

This is my ex-girlfriend.

- And she knows
about the new one?

- She practically
picked her out for me.

- Only thing I want to pick
out for my ex is a headstone.

- So, is this the kind of
place you eat at these days?

- On special occasions.

Usually I just stay
home and make a nice

day-old bread sandwich or
some day-old bread pudding.

- Well, things are
always a little tough

when you're
starting your life over,

but you have a new job,
new outlook, new haircut.

- And maybe a new girlfriend.

- Yeah.

- You know, going
to that sanitarium

was the best
thing that I ever did.

I mean, I was falling apart,

and they put this Humpty
Dumpty back together again.

Gee, what's keeping Jennifer?
Maybe I should call the store.

- She's not coming.

- She's not?

- Somebody called her
and told her to stay home.

- Who would do
a thing like that?

- Uh, your mother.

- My mother's in Finland
getting a chemical peel.

- Oh, then I guess it was me.

- You blew off my babe?

- I had to, Michael.

Jennifer isn't good
enough for you.

- Oh, really? And
just who are you

to make that decision for me?

- Your friend.
- Oh, yeah?

Well as your friend, I
say keep your little pert,

little cute, little button
nose out of my business.

- Now you're talking like exes.

- Of course it's my business.

I know you better
than anybody else.

I used to dress you.

- Oh yeah? Well, I
found I could dress myself

the day I dumped you.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, your shoes don't
even match your belt.

- All right, so I make
mistakes, but they're mine.

They're all mine, and for once,

I don't have you
bossing me around.

- And I don't have you
tugging at my ankles

like some whining
puppy begging me

to tell them what to do.

For once in my life, I can
think about me, me, me.

- Well, that's all you ever
think about is you, you, you.

You are the most self-centered,

egotistical little Daddy's
girl who ever lived.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, you are the
most obnoxious,

immature crybaby I
ever met in my life.

And I hate your haircut.

- Well, then why are you here?

- Because I love you, dammit.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, dammit, I love you too.

- So what now?

- Please, if you
could just give me

Stephanie's address in Paris.

- I forget. It's on
Rue de something.

- Well, that shouldn't
be too hard to find.

I know how important
cycling is to her,

but I just feel that
she's the one for me,

and I know in my gut that
she feels the same way.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, everybody.

- Oh, it's... Looks
like your guts

are playing you for a fool.

- Where are you two going?

- Why, to bed of course.

- May-Maybe we
missed a b*at here.

I thought you were just friends.

- Oh, we're not friends anymore.

We're married.

- We just eloped. Neato, huh?

- Goodnight, d*ck.
Goodnight, Joanna.

Goodbye, Todd.

Joanna, could you give us a
wakeup call, say, noon-ish?

- This is the front desk.

It's... it's noon-ish.

Time... time for
your wakeup call.

Steph-Stephanie,
I can't hear you.

Can you stop Michael from
singing "After The Lovin'"?

Fine, I'll call you
around four-ish.

- Hi. I'm Larry, this
is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

And here's Mr. Carson.

- You're... you're...
you're Johnny Carson.

- And you're the yahoo that
called my friend Larry a liar.

- Well, I mean, d-do you
really p-pay their gas bill?

- Hey, Sparky, do I tell you
what to do with your money?

- Easy, Johnny.
He ain't worth it.

Come on, Darryl. We
gotta get Mr. Carson

on that noon-ish
shuttle back to Burbank.

- You know what really irks
me about people like you?

All you ever do
is take, take, take.

Why don't you give
once in a while?

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.

Cheap, cheap, cheap.

Cheap.

- It isn't easy being me.

- Meow.