08x02 - Get d*ck

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
Watch/Buy Amazon

d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
Post Reply

08x02 - Get d*ck

Post by bunniefuu »

- The dinner was to
your satisfaction, no?

- To be honest, I
didn't care for it.

Ev-every-everything
was delicious.

- He did eat all his frog legs.

- You know, I especially
liked the... the crunchy parts.

- You ate the knees?

This must be your first
visit to Maison Hubert.

Is this a special occasion?

- It's our, uh,
19th anniversary.

- Nineteenth? It cannot be.

Why, you must have snatched
him right from the cradle.

Excusez-moi.

- Happy anniversary, honey.

- Oh.

That... that is
some ornate, uh...

o-object there.

- I designed it myself.

Go ahead, try it on.

- Which, uh, which
ear does it go on?

- It's a tie clip.

- Oh! Oh, right. Right.

Oh, yeah.

That's... that's better.

You know, it fits and...
it fits and everything.

- Happy anniversary.
- Oh, thank you, honey.

I'm so glad it's not
another flat box.

The last thing I need
is another yellow scarf.

- They were out of flat boxes.

- d*ck, we've been
married 19 years

and you've given
me 19 yellow scarves.

- Twenty.

I gave you one on
the night you proposed.

Now, scarf-giving i-is
an old Loudon tradition.

Started... oh,
about 20 years ago.

- Just about the same
time you started smoking

those smelly cigars after
every anniversary dinner.

- You know, this is also
Hubert's anniversary.

- There's a Mrs. Hubert?

- In a sense.

Do you know what is the
dream of every little French boy?

- To dance the can-can
with Jerry Lewis.

- That goes without saying.

It is also the dream to own
a chichi gourmet restaurant

in a small village in Vermont.

She has been so good
to me these 10 years.

So giving, so very like a woman.

- Well, Hubert,
congratulations to you and her.

- Every year, the busboys
make a petit surprise for Hubert.

And every year, I act surprised.

How's this?

- I wouldn't change a thing.

Surprise!

Oh! Pour moi?

- Where are you going?

To the bathroom.

Another old Loudon tradition.

- Did Stephanie's
flight get off on time?

- Well, there was an hour delay.

- Engine trouble?

- No, it took the
ground crew that long

to pry me off the landing gear.

Oh, why did she leave me?

- Michael, she just went
to Newport to see her folks.

She'll be back in a few days.

- How can you be so sure?

- She only took a
dozen suitcases.

- You're right.

And nary a steamer
trunk among them.

Hallelujah. My
honey's a-coming home.

- How horrible!

- Okay, so my
Jolson's a little rusty.

- I'm not talking
about you, Michael.

Maison Hubert
b*rned down last night.

- What?

- They think it was a
grease fire in the kitchen.

- Any-anyone hurt?

- I'm devastated.

It's a gustatory tragedy.

- I'm Larry. This is
my brother Darryl.

And this is my
other brother Darryl.

- What's... what's
with the limp salute?

- Is Darryl mourning the
demise of Maison Hubert?

- Oui.

But he also has a far
more personal problem.

- And that is?
- He wants fat lips.

- Get... get in line.

- After years of
watching the ladies

at the Department
of Motor Vehicles

flock to the full and
voluptuous lips of Darryl,

Darryl here has begun to
question the effectiveness

of his own puny pair.

- They look fine to me.

- Would you like them firmly
pressed against your own?

- No.

- Then you can see
Darryl's predicament.

- Well, as being a possessor
of prodigious puckers,

let me offer you
a little lip service.

Collagen injections.

The New Age cure
for the kissing impaired.

- Was good enough for
our Cannes Film Festival

award winner Barbara Hershey.

It's your call,
Your Liplessness.

Then let the injections begin.

- See you boys in Cannes.

- Rough night to be a
volunteer fireman, huh, George?

- They're not paying me
enough for this kind of hell.

Thanks for the scarf, Joanna.

I've been sweating like a pig.

- Understandably.

I mean, you've been
battling a towering inferno,

wielding your mighty axe.

- Oh, I didn't do any wielding.

I just took donuts
to the other firemen.

- That's putting it on the line.

- It is when the lead
hoseman wants honeybuns

every 15 minutes.

- The paper said it was a
grease fire in the kitchen.

- No, although that
would've worked too.

Turns out some careless
smoker tossed a lit cigar

into the trash bin
in the men's room.

The chief is fairly sure
the culprit is a man.

- d*ck.

You went to the men's room,

you smoked that cigar, and
you b*rned down Maison Hubert!

- Joanna, you... you can't
go around a-accusing people

with... with
nothing more than...

uh... than
overwhelming evidence.

- Land-o-goshen, you
turned our four-star bistro

into a four-alarm flambé?

- Well, d*ck, you
have to tell Hubert

that you destroyed his life.

- I-I'd rather... rather not.

- One moment I have everything.

The next, poof, all gone.

Except this espresso maker

I rescued as I knocked
the busboys out of my way.

- Did I... Did I tell
you how much...

How much I enjoyed
our dinner last night?

- The firemen,
they were so brave.

They almost saved the kitchen.

But some fool keep pestering
them with these pastries.

- I'm sure... sure, you know,
the insurance covers everything.

- Of course, I can
rebuild but sequels,

they are never as good.

Remember Arthur 2: On the Rocks?

- Yeah, but how about,
uh, Police Academy 6?

I-I thought Bubba Smith gave
the performance of his life.

- True, true. But without the
dynamic Steve Guttenberg,

the film was just so much fluff.

- All right, I'll give you that.

On the other hand... - d*ck!

Didn't you have something
else to discuss with Hubert?

- Oh, right. And by
the way, feel free,

you know, to stay
here for a couple days

until the shock wears off and
you're ready to go back home.

- Monsieur d*ck...

Maison Hubert
means home of Hubert.

- Well, then, feel
free to stay here

the rest of your natural life.

- Oh merci, you are
too generous to Hubert.

My eyes, they must weep.

- Here.

Keep it.

- Thank God for my friends.

Thank God for America.

But most of all, thank
God for d*ck Loudon.

- I uh...

I-I burnt... burnt
down your restaurant.

- Pardon?

- I was smoking a cigar
in... in the men's room.

You did this to me?

- Hubert, are you okay?

- But of course.

In France, you know,
we have this saying,

"c'est la vie." "That's life."

- Well, that's what
all the people say.

- Riding high in April,
burnt down in May.

- Hubert, isn't there
anything we can do for you?

- Perhaps some café?

Oh, Rochelle, her
espresso is so full-bodied.

Be gentle with her.

And after, she like to
have her filter bathed

with warm soapy water.

And her little spigot wiped
with a damp washcloth.

- I'll... let you do that.

- Hubert, I must say
y-you're taking this very well.

- In France, we
have another saying:

"L'homme qui a
incendié ma maison

est de dormir
avec les fromages."

- I don't un-understand French.
- I translate.

"The man who burn down my
house is sleep with the cheeses."

- I don't... I don't even
understand it in English.

Where is the cheese part?

- I explain.

There is no escape
from the cheese.

From the Holland,
there is gouda.

From the Greece, there is feta.

Climb up beanstalk,
there is Jack.

- I'm, uh, I'm afraid you
lost... you lost me in Greece.

- I will have my
revenge, good friend.

You will not know where,
you will not know how.

But as long as there is a
hair on the side of my head,

I will get you, d*ck Loudon.

I will get you!

- Well, what... What
do you mean "get me"?

What happened
to, uh, "c'est la vie"?

- You think you can
burn down Maison Hubert

and not to pay the piper?

- I-I said I'm sorry.
- Oh, you're sorry.

Well, then everything s
magnifique, let's go dancing.

En garde, Monsieur!

My reign of terror,
it now begins.

- Well, Rochelle is heating up.

- I was just telling Monsieur
that when the firemen arrived,

I put them in the
no-smoking section.

- Isn't he a riot?

- Yeah, he's... he's k*lling me.

- Oh, but I am so weary.

I must rest to
rebuild my strength.

- Well, Hubert, you take
the third room on the left.

And I'll bring your
espresso right up.

- Ah, you are too swell.

You and uh... Monsieur.

- Hubert wants to k*ll me.

I don't understand
all the details but it...

it involves cheese.

- d*ck, you're babbling.

- He said that I would
sleep with the... the cheeses.

- d*ck, take a nap.

- Ah, I see my croissant,
they go over like the hotcake!

- Hubert, couldn't
you just stay here

and take care of
us forever and ever?

- Please?

- Now, now. I'm sure
Hubert is a very busy man.

He has other
innkeepers to terrorize.

- Monsieur, you know how
to tickle the armpit of Hubert.

No, no, no!

This one is not for you!

My boo-boo.

The one with the black olive
was made special for you.

- I uh... I hate... hate olives.

- It has served its purpose.

Please enjoy.

- Does ar-arsenic
smell like spinach?

- d*ck, this morbid
death wish of yours

is putting a crimp
in my croissant.

Let's settle this
once and for all, huh?

Hubert, did you
poison d*ck's omelet?

- Ah, but you are too clever.

Oui, I poisoned
Monsieur d*ck's omelet.

And I poisoned your omelet,

and yours, and yours,
and yours, and yours.

All the omlettes are poisoned.

Run for your lives,
run for your lives.

Pff!

- See, d*ck. He was using
sarcasm to make a point.

- I-I guess it was too
subtle for me, George.

- Well, Super Mikey is
off to the supermarket.

S'il vous plait, Super Mikey.

Some items for tonight's dinner.

- Endives, asparagus, radicchio,
capers, rat poison, croutons.

- We don't have
any rats around here.

- Au contraire.

Last night, I saw a big
one crawling into your room.

And that rat must be punished.

- But... but he's not a bad rat.

He... he only smoked one cigar.

- He's still peddling
his paranoid act.

- I'm at my wit's end.

Attention, attention!

Tonight, a special treat.

Rat poison in the
salade Niçoise.

Please dress accordingly.

- What a madcap champ.

I do so admire that.

Hi Jo-Jo.
- Hi, Michael.

Morning, everybody.

- Morning.

- Morning, Joanna.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to drive
over to Danny's diner

and have some food
that's not poisoned.

- Well, don't worry
about your brakes.

They're fine now.

- My... my brakes
were fine before.

- Hubert didn't think so.

He was afraid
they might give out

rounding Johnnycake Curve.

- What a lovely guy.

I'm not sure I could
wake up at 3 a.m.

to fix d*ck's brakes.

- I'm going to go upstairs
and suck up some toothpaste.

See you later, honey.

- Wh-Where are you going?

- To the mall. I'm going
to return the yellow...

never mind.

- Well, nay-maybe
I'll tag along.

I only say that because there's
a deranged Frenchman here

who... who wants to k*ll me.

- Bye-bye, d*ck.

- Don't be surprised if you
find me filled full of holes

like a... like a hunk of Swiss!

- See you later, d*ck.

- Hey, hey, buddy. What's up?

- Hubert gave me 10
dollars to go to have a drink,

eat dinner, and see a movie.

- You always... always
were a cheap, cheap date.

- Thanks.

- You know, I wouldn't mind
seeing... seeing a movie.

- I'd ask you to come along

but you've already
seen Police Academy 6.

- Yeah, but that's...
That's the one movie

that I could see
over and over again.

- Sorry, d*ck, I need a
little time away from you.

Bonjour!

- Did the handyman go bye-bye?

- Yes, but if you want
him, I can run like the wind

and catch his truck.

- Don't bother!

I'll wait till he returns
to give him this.

I need him to sharpen it.

It is so dull, it will not
even cut through bone.

- Hi.

- Am I glad to see a familiar...

lip.

- A pricey specialist forced
Darryl to cut his dream in half.

We should have
picked our own doctor

and not listened to Ivana Tr*mp.

- Why don't you guys stay
here and tell me the whole story?

Even if it means, you know...

starting with...
with your birth.

- Another time perhaps.

We just stopped by to
get a reaction to Darryl's lip

from the gentler sex.

Is Miss Joanna available
for a quick swoon?

- No, she's...
she's at the mall.

- Come on, Darryl.

Let's go see if
your lip gets a rise

out of them babes at the DMV.

- Surprise!

Peek-a-boo.

- Hu-Hubert.

- I just had the uncontrollable
urge to run around the house

and come in
through the front door.

- Well, now that...

now that I've got my coat on,

I-I think I'll go upstairs
and take a nap.

- You sleep on the left side?

- Why... why... why do you ask?

- No particular reason.

- Look, I-I-I I can't
take this anymore.

I burnt down your restaurant
and I deserve to be punished.

But this, I mean, this waiting
is... is driving me crazy.

I-If you're going
to do something,

do it and... and get
it... get it over with.

- You seem uncomfortable.

- Yes.

- And frightened.

- Yes.

- You find it
difficult to breathe?

- Yes, yes, yes.

- There, I get you.

- Huh?

- I said I would get
you, and I get you.

I get you good!

- How did... how did you get me?

- You don't eat,
you don't sleep.

For one whole day, I make
your entire life miserable.

Ha-ha!

- Then you're not
trying to k*ll me?

- If I want to k*ll you, I
make you eat German food.

- That... that's it? It's over?

I won't be sleeping with
the... with the cheeses?

- Not unless you want
to smell up your sheets!

Come, I cook for you.

You must be famished.

- All... all I had today
was a-a bowl of Crest.

- We start with
a light appetizer.

Say... cheese puff!

I get you again!

- You know, Hubert, you're
starting to get on my nerves.

- Hi.

- What... what happened...
what happened to Darryl's lip?

- He had it removed.

He discovered it's not
the size of a man's lip

the gals at the DMV
are interested in.

- Yeah, that's the talk
around the locker room.

You know, I-I heard that what
motor vehicle women really love

is a guy who's sensitive.

You know, a guy who's...
who's not afraid to cry.

- They should've been there

when the doctor
ripped Darryl's lip off.

- Yeah, I bet they're
kicking themselves.

- Anyway, what really gets
them DMV babes revved up

ain't lips at all.

It's these. Whip
'em out, Darryl.

Let's get a move on.

Those lovelies in License
Renewal punch out at 4:30.

- Dad was right, I should've
married a DMV girl.

- Meow.
Post Reply