08x04 - Utley Exposed

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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08x04 - Utley Exposed

Post by bunniefuu »

- How is everything?
- Mmmm.

- Perfect.
- Good.

- I mean, if I had to come
up with one complaint,

it would be that...
That my coffee is not...

quite hot enough, but, uh...

You know, I can't... I
can't imagine a situation...

you know, where I would have
to come up with a complaint.

- And is our real
maid, Stephanie,

doing in Newport?

- The Vanderkellens
are pampering

my preggo partner to death.

She's not sure she can
survive another three-day facial.

- Well, she got through
the all-day cuticle soak.

She can get through this.

- Morning, g*ng.

- Oh, hi, Paul.
- Hi, Paul.

- Please feel free
to sit in my seat.

- Oh, thanks.

Could you heat this up?

- That's what I pay me for.

- d*ck, I came up
with a great title

or your Vermont Today special.

Hidden Shame: The Silent Burden.

- You lined up any guests?

- Too busy working on the title.

What's with the snort, Harris?

- Well, it's just that
when I was a VIP at PIV,

I was on top of things.

But then, I was a
professional producer,

not some stage-manager-
slash-donut-wrangler

who just happened to kiss
up to the right head cheese.

- I bet your professionalism
comes in real handy

now that you're a bag boy.

- Boys, boys.

A-Are you saying that we
aren't going to have any guests?

- d*ck, it's not
easy finding people

who will talk about
their shameful secrets.

Especially in a town where no
one's done anything shameful.

- Well, I-I have to agree
with Michael's snort.

I mean, with-without
guests, you know,

the show is going to... to be
lacking a-a certain something.

- d*ck, don't worry,
you'll have your guests.

We're offering an incentive.

Anyone appearing
on Vermont Today

gets a free weekend
at the Stratford.

- Oh, goody, more work for me.

- Morning.
- Morning, George.

- Oh, hi, Paul.
- Oh, hi, George.

Here, take my seat,
I kept it warm for you.

- Oh, you sure did.

- See you Sunday,
d*ck. Bye, Joanna.

Hey, Mikey?
"Cleanup on aisle six!"

- Joanna, could
you heat this up?

- Why didn't you just
get Paul to sit on it?

- Well, Dicksters, don't worry
about your special on Sunday,

I'm sure Paulie'll find
you gobs of guests.

- You never told me you were
doing a special Vermont Today.

Sometimes I don't feel like
I'm part of your life anymore.

- Well, it isn't much
of a special, George.

The guests, if...
if there are any,

are going to talk about a
hidden shame in their lives

and then, uh, spend a
weekend at the Stratford.

- What a weird
concept for a show.

d*ck, would taking someone's
car and driving it into a swamp

be considered a hidden shame?

- Well, unless you're one of
the Dukes of Hazzard, yes.

W-Why, George?

- No reason. Oh, God.

- George, i-if you're holding
something in, t-tell me.

- Okay, but you
can't tell anyone.

Not even Joanna.

Not even in the
throes of passion.

- George, I-I don't talk about
you in the throes of passion.

- Well, my hidden shame
happened over 40 years ago.

There was this street
g*ng I wanted to join.

Well, actually it
wasn't a street g*ng,

because the streets
hadn't been paved yet.

It was more of a dirt road g*ng.

To pass my initiation, I
had to sneak into a car,

turn up the radio real loud,
then run like the dickens.

- Tough g*ng.

- Anyway, I found a
car with the keys inside

and started it up so I
could turn on the radio.

But there was a problem.

The car was in gear.

- Whoops!

- That's what I said

just before the car plunged
into Johnnycake Swamp.

- Would you like
to go on my show

and... and tell your
secret to the public?

- No, no.

This whole town thinks of me
as little Mr. Goody Two-Shoes.

I'd hate to lose that image.

- Well, we could hide you behind
the screen and alter your voice.

- Like you did with that guy
that squealed on the Mob?

- Tommy Azari?
- Is that who that was?

- No!

- Okay, you talked me into it.

I'll do it.
- Great.

- What kind of curtain
will I be hiding behind?

Do you have anything in a
red and white checkerboard

with an inch-wide gold border?

- No, it's just a
plain old curtain.

- All right.

- "Heat it up, Joanna."

"Heat it up, Joanna."

How does Stephanie
take this crap?

- And now it's a
special Vermont Today,

starring d*ck Loudon.

- Hello, and welcome to
a special Vermont Today

we're calling Hidden
Shame: The Silent Burden.

Our guests will be talking
about the years spent

living with shameful secrets

and the joy they felt when
they unburdened themselves.

First up is Bruce Gordon.

Hello, Bruce.
- Hi, d*ck.

- It says here you are
a compulsive gambler.

How much would you say
you lost during this period?

- Well, I've estimated it at
around 60,000 matchsticks.

- And of course,
"matchsticks" is a term

hardcore gamblers
use to refer to...

- Matchsticks.

- You didn't... you
didn't use money.

- Well, to buy the matchsticks.

- So, over the years, your
habit must've cost you what?

Fifty bucks?

- Well, not that much, but...

but it doesn't make my
tale any less frightening.

You see, I could never get
my hands on enough matches.

Eventually I started stealing
from my son's matchstick bridge.

I kept praying he wouldn't
notice the bridge getting lower.

And one day, he
looked at me and he said,

"Daddy, why doesn't my
bridge have any clearance?"

Our next guest is...
is Dorothy Benson.

Mrs. Benson's shame involves...

the hopefully fascinating
area of communications fraud.

- Hello, Dorothy.

Hi, d*ck.

- Now, what exactly do you
mean by communications fraud?

- Well, for years, I phoned
my sister in Palm Springs

and never paid for one call.

- And?

- Isn't that enough?

You see, I phoned
Emily person-to-person,

and asked for
someone fictitious.

For instance, I
would tell the operator

I wanted to speak to
Apollo, the god of the sun.

My sister would say, "I'm
sorry, Apollo just stepped out."

That was my way of telling Sis

it was a sunny day
here in Vermont.

- Y-You'd actually ask the
operator for the god of the sun?

- Oh, not always.

Now, I might ask for
Neptune, the sea god,

if I wanted Sis to know
my toilet overflowed.

Or, Hermaphrodite, to say I
was feeling sexually ambiguous.

- Our next guilt-ridden guest,

whose shame is so ugly,
he won't even show his face,

once took a car and drove
it into Johnnycake Swamp.

- Oh!

- Better than matches
and gods, huh?

Hello, vile Mr. X.

Mr. X?

The old man behind the curtain.

Who, me?

I sound funny.

Hello. Hello.

Hello?

- Bud, Bud, can
you adjust that thing?

It sounds like I'm interviewing
a Saturday morning cartoon.

- Sure thing, d*ck.

I had the same problem
with Tommy Azari.

- Okay, Mr. X.

Tell us in your own words,

but not your own voice,
what led to this hidden shame.

Well, many years ago,

I wanted to join this g*ng,
the Vermont Hooligans.

I had to find a car, turn
up the radio real loud,

and run.

Well, I found a car, but
there was one problem.

This car had been left in gear,
so, when I turned the key...

- Uh, Mr. X?

- Yes, d*ck?

That's George Utley.

- d*ck.

I-I just want to say congrats.

Nay, super congrats.

George popping his
punim over that curtain

was a brilliant
fusion of tabloid TV.

When you see him,
would you give him this?

- I talked him out of throwing
rose petals at George's feet.

- There he is, d*ck.

- Oh, right.

- Thank you very much, d*ck.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

- Where are you going?

- My guess is Hollywood called.

What did they
sound like, George?

Young, I bet.

- I don't know what you're
talking about, Michael,

but then, I never do.

- Go west, old man.

La-La Land awaits.

- Well, it's been
nice knowing you.

- G-George, y-you aren't
really going to La-La Land?

- No, but I am going
away to a place

where no one's ever
heard of Vermont Today.

It may mean
going over that hill,

but I'm prepared to do so.

- Oh, George, you can't run
away just because of d*ck's show.

I mean, it's not like
anybody watches it.

- Even if no one
watched, word will get out.

By nightfall, a
torch-carrying mob

will run me out of town.

- George, there might be
a few small-minded people

in the town, but even
they'll forgive you

for something that
happened 40 years ago.

- You think?

You're right. These
people are my friends.

Thanks, Joanna, I
guess I'll go unpack.

It's a good thing I didn't
have my mail forwarded

or my features altered.

- Attention.

At ease, Loudon family.

- What's up?

- We're informing everyone
about the special meeting tonight.

We're voting on whether or not
to run George Utley out of town.

- Also, whether or not we
should paint the gazebo.

- This is ridiculous.

- I told you that gazebo
is a touchy subject.

- You aren't... you
aren't really serious

about... about running
George out of town?

- The man committed a crime,

it's our duty to rid
this hamlet of scum.

- I thought you liked George.

- We do.

He's a lovely man.

Being scum doesn't change that.

- Historical footnote:

my father, Officer
Shifflett Senior,

was sheriff of this town

when the case of the
DeSoto in the swamp

with the radio on occurred.

It was the one crime
he couldn't solve.

It eventually k*lled him.

- Your father's still alive.

- The story has
more impact this way.

His dying wish was for me
to become a peace officer

and cr*ck this case.

Now that it's cracked,

I can become what
I always wanted.

A night manager at Wendy's.

- We should go.

You know how long it
takes to round up a mob.

- And getting it riled
is a chore in itself.

- Now that my secret's out,

I feel like a cloud
has been lifted.

The sky is bluer,
the grass is greener.

Even my laundry looks brighter
and I haven't even done a load.

- Jim and Chester
and Officer Shifflett

were just here.

- I'll go pack my bags again.

- Once again, we'd like to thank
George Utley for his fine work

organizing this year's Ye
Olde Apple Day festival.

Let's hear it for George.

Not so fast, George.

There's still the matter
of running you out of town.

- Oh, I was hoping you'd forget.

- Normally, I might have,

but since Jim gave me
a beautiful Parker pen

for my birthday,

I've been writing
everything down.

- $19.95.

- Now, for the
reason we're here.

All those in favor
of running George...

- George, George.

- Oh, before you vote,

I'd like to say
something in my behalf.

It was Joanna's idea.

The truth is, I'm guilty as sin.

What I did was wrong.

Just plain misguided
and really, really dumb.

- George, you... you might
want to use the word "but."

- Gotcha.

My butt belongs in this town.

This is my home.

I love this place and think
of all of you as my family.

I'd like to change
what I did but I can't.

I just hope you'll find it in
your hearts to forgive me.

And let me stay
here until I die.

Thank you.

- Okay.

All in favor of running George
out of town, raise your hand.

The citizens have
spoken, George.

You have 24 hours to get out.

- I say we give him
until high noon tomorrow.

That's the traditional
getting-out-of-town time.

- I thought sundown

was the traditional
getting-out-of-town time.

- No, sundown is when
all the beautiful flowers

close their petals and sleep.

- Someone should install
a stupidity alarm in here.

- Those things
are no good, d*ck.

Mine's always going
off for no reason.

- Okay, thank
you all for coming.

And George, thanks again for a
triumphant Ye Olde Apple Day.

- Bye-bye, George.

- We'll miss you.

- Call once in a while, pal.

- But this... this is idiotic.

Nobody wants
George to leave town,

a-and George
doesn't want to leave.

You... You people are
such a-a bunch of hypocrites.

I mean, e-everyone in this room

h-has done at least
one shameful thing.

Not me.

- Haven't you ever
heard the expression

"Let he who is without
sin cast the first stone"?

- As town librarian,

I'm fairly certain that
quote's from the Bible.

- Well, then, as a
God-fearing Presbyterian,

there is something I'm hiding.

It has to do with how Chester
won the last election for mayor.

- Jim Dixon, you said you'd
go to your grave with that secret.

- Well, that was before
d*ck made me cave in

with that fire and
brimstone speech.

I don't want to spend
eternity in the hot plate.

- Go ahead, Dixon,
spill your guts.

- Oh dear, oh dear!

- Well, remember how
Chester won with 50 more votes

than there are
people in this town?

Well, that was because
he stuffed the ballot box.

- Well, you know how
it is when you're voting.

A few ballots
sometimes stick together.

- Let's run Chester
Wanamaker out of town.

- As long as we're
being loose-lipped,

why don't you tell us how a
man who makes $19,000 a year

can own a 12-room beach
house in fabulous Waikiki?

- Let's run Jim
Dixon out of town.

- And to really punish him,

let's give his
beach house to me.

- As long as we're
talking about sex.

I confess, I'm a wanton woman.

It's true.

I've had intimate relations
with several of the married men

in this town, and I'm
prepared to name names.

There doesn't seem to be
a need to name names now.

- Y-You just saw
three people confess.

No, actually, nine people.

Now I want to see the hands
of everyone else in the room

who has a hidden shame.

Wh-What did you do?

- I don't want to talk about it.

It happened days
before I married you.

- Days?

- d*ck's right. We've all
done shameful things.

Maybe we should
all be run out of town.

- But not George.

After all, his misdeed
was a youthful prank.

Our sins were much more
heinous and premeditated

and sometimes committed
three times in one night.

- Gee, I never heard
of a whole town

being run out before.

Where would we go?

- I have an idea.

Since we've all done
things to be ashamed of,

couldn't we just stay here?

I mean, this town is
too big for one person

and I'd miss you guys.

- Okay, I move we stay
here, for George's sake.

All in favor. WHOLE GROUP: Aye.

- Motion is carried.

Town stays where it is.

- d*ck, thanks for
defending me like you did.

- George, a lot of this
was... was my fault.

- Hey, you're right.

Then, thank you, and damn you.

- You're welcome, and I'm sorry.

- I hope you'll start
coming to the library.

I'd like to take
you into the stacks

and show you a world
you never knew existed.

- Tell me again why
we left New York?

- You thought New
Yorkers were too eccentric?

- Right. Want to move back?

- Oh, I could never show
my face in that city again.

Not after...
- Not after what?

- Oh, nothing.

- Would you feel
more comfortable

talking behind a curtain?

- Meow.
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