08x05 - Ramblin' Michael Harris

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
Watch/Buy Amazon

d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
Post Reply

08x05 - Ramblin' Michael Harris

Post by bunniefuu »

- Reservation for
Terry and Irene Sadler.

- Oh yes, yes, we...
We've been expecting you.

I-I'm d*ck Loudon.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You're the, uh, the
couple from Kansas, right?

- We've been driving for days

across this miserable
country of ours.

- America. Ha!

What a bunch of hype.

- Not having much of a vacation?

- Well, it's been one
disappointment after another.

We drove 800
miles out of our way

to see the damn
bluegrass of Kentucky.

There's no blue grass.

It's damn green just
like everyplace else.

- Well, what a damn hoax.

- And then we head up
to Hershey, Pennsylvania

just to drive down their famous
chocolate-covered streets.

- They're asphalt, d*ck!

Just like anyplace else.

- Funny, you know, how
do they get away with it?

- Guess what they don't have
any of in Buffalo, New York?

- Way ahead of you there, Terry.

- Well, Vermont
won't disappoint you.

- Well, I'm sure you're right.

Coming up the driveway
we could already smell

that clean salt air.

- Yeah, what are we,

about a five-minute
walk to the beach?

- More like a five-day walk.

We're a good 200 miles
from... from the ocean.

- Then where do
you dig for clams

for your famous New
England clambakes?

- We're not famous for clambakes

but we are famous
for maple syrup.

- We came to Vermont
for clams, not syrup!

- Easy, Irene.

You've been behind
the wheel a little too long.

You could use a nap.

- Room four, top of the stairs.

- Pumpkin?

Huh?

- Oh, I feel so bad.

- Oh, they-they'll be better
after their nap, George.

- It's not that.

The streets in Hershey
aren't chocolate-covered.

Mamma lied to me.

- Stratford Inn.

- d*ck, I need a favor
and I need it now.

- Any... anything, name
it. Who, uh, who is this?

- Stephanie!

- Oh, Stephanie.

Joanna and I were just saying
how nice and quiet it is here

since you, uh...
- Yeah, I miss you too.

Look, the baby showers
Mummy lined up for me

were a real bust.

Do you know what these
Newport blue hairs give

instead of gifts?

Their warm wishes.

Can you believe it?

- Wh-Where do they get off?

- Now d*ck, you need to run
down to Menkey's Market at once,

and tell Michael to hit
Menkey up for a huge raise.

- Well, c-couldn't you just
call Michael a-at the store?

- Oh, right.

The last employee that
got a personal phone call

had to walk around the store
for a month in lead shoes.

- Pretty strict, huh.

- And if he was that hard
on his own grandmother,

imagine what he'd do to Michael.

- Now, Stephanie,
I'm kind of tied up here,

you know, with
important stuff...

- d*ck! My unborn child's
pampered future is at stake.

Now put down the
paper airplane and go.

- She must have heard
me folding the paper.

- Where are you going?
- To the market.

- Oh, good, it'll
save me a trip.

- Honey, y-you know I can't
make out your abbreviations.

Um... T.P. Now what's
that? Toilet paper?

- Don't be silly. Toothpaste.

- And I suppose C.J.
is what, cranberry juice?

- Chicken giblets.

- G-Giblets begins with a "G."

- I know that, but if
I wrote down C.G.

I'd end up buying
crunchy granola

and we have a whole box left.

- It's going to be a
long day at the market.

- How's it going,
Grandma Menkey?

- Argh, these shoes are
m*rder on me arches.

- Oh, hi, Michael.
- Oh, hidey-ho, Dickburger.

How do you like the
fruits of my labor?

- Peachy.

Joanna gave me a shopping list

and I-I can't figure out
her... her abbreviations.

D.P., what would that be?
Dried pork, date... date pudding?

- Dill pickles, Dickles.

Okay, next.

- Uh, L.C.M.

- Low cal mayo.

- G.P.

- Grey Poupon.

- P.O.

- Pearl onions.

Or it could be pitted olives.

Be safe. Buy both.

Hey, don't you kids eat
anything but condiments?

- No, we're, uh,
diehard condimentalists.

Oh, a-are these, uh,
these seedless grapes?

- They don't call
them S.G.s for nothing.

Darn you, d*ck! You
gobble up a grape,

and Mr. Menkey installed

a sophisticated
surveillance system

to protect against petty
produce pilferers like you.

It's all right, sir,
everything's under control!

- All I did was eat a grape.

- Yeah, well, your
compulsive consumption

could get me canned.

Probably a side effect of
that strict condiment diet.

Seek help, d*ck.

Uh-oh, here's Dirk,
Menkey's majordomo.

Let me handle this.

Hiya, Dirky.

- Menkey saw the incident.

I'm afraid I'm going to
have to charge your friend

for that grape he stole.

- He's not my friend.

I've never seen
him before in my life.

- You seemed pretty
palsy walsy with him

when you were loading his
basket with condiments, Mikey.

- I'll pay for the
grape, it's no big deal.

- Take this grape
to check stand 2,

have it weighed, pay
for it, return it to this bin.

Is that clear?

- This is a joke, right?

I-I mean, Menkey
can't... can't be this strict.

You say check stand 2?

Oh, and, uh, Stephanie called.

- Here? Oh God, I hate
wearing those lead shoes.

- She called at the inn.

- Oh, don't scare me like that.

- She said the baby
showers were a bust

and that you should hit
Mr. Menkey for... for a raise.

- Oh, yeah, like
he'll give me one

now that I'm associated
with a grape gonif.

I was counting on those gifts!
Now I have to buy them myself.

I don't have any money.

All I have is this stupid hose.

- Hey, Mikey.

Why don't you sing?

- Okay.

- No, no, no, no, not now.

You see, I bring home
an extra 50 bucks a night

singing show tunes in
the Gunpowder Room

at the Drum and
Musket family restaurant

out on Route 14.

- I had no idea you were a
bag boy/Broadway balladeer.

- Well, it pays the bill.

Every little bit helps when
you got eight kids to feed.

- You know, uh...

I can, uh... I can carry a tune.

- And you whistle
too, hey, double thr*at.

- And I hum.

- Did I say double thr*at?

- Hey, what's going on?

You're popping
them back like mad

and there are no
lights, no sirens.

- It's old man Menkey's
regular morning pit stop,

you could set your
watch by it. Hey!

- The grape guy!
It's the grape guy!

- Weren't you going
grocery shopping?

- I was.

I wasn't allowed
to buy anything.

- Why not?

- I ate a grape.

- Oh, you went to Menkey's.

Did he fine you?

- No, but I'm barred
from shopping for a year.

- Well, you got off easy.

He didn't make you
wear the lead shoes.

- Oh, uh, I-Irene and Terry.

Honey, these are the Sadlers.

- Oh hi, nice to meet you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Well, you seem... you
seem a lot more... chipper.

- Well, why shouldn't we be?

We're going clam digging.

- Oh, you're
driving to the coast?

- Why should we go
all the way to the ocean

when we can dig for
clams right in your garden?

- Got all your gear together.

- How do you think the
clamming will be today, George?

- Weather's a bit nippy so
they should really be biting.

- Great. Well, come on, Irene.

Let's go clamming!

- Had to do something,

they were having
an awful vacation.

So I bought some frozen clams

and buried them
in the side yard.

Uh-oh.

I forgot to shove some
fake pearls in them.

- George, clams
don't have pearls.

- Joanna, gardens
don't have clams.

- Hi, George.
- Hi, Michael.

Strange.

There's the oddest twosome
wearing dated beach duds

digging up the veggie patch.

- They're digging
for garden clams.

- In October?

They must be from out of town.

The pair of you got
plans for the p.m.?

- Well, other than
filling a few holes

in the garden, we're open. Why?

- I want you ringside
when I make my all-singing,

all-whistling, all-humming
debut in the Gunpowder Room

at the Drum and Musket family
restaurant out on Route 14.

- When did you become a singer?

- When I was six.

A year or two later,
I picked up whistling.

I couldn't hum until I
was well into my teens.

I was a late hummer.

- A lot of the young
hummers today

are peaking way too soon.

- Well, it was nice of
Mr. Menkey to let you out early

so you could get ready.

- Oh, no more
Menkey-business for me. I quit!

- Grape?
- No.

- How could you quit your
job when you and Stephanie

have a baby on the way?

- Well, why get bogged down

in the boring bow-tied
world of bag boy then

when I'm on the
break of local stardom?

- Michael, you're... you're
hardly a professional.

- Obviously, you never saw

Captain Kooky's
Cartoon Clubhouse

during the '64-'65 season.

- No, I... I was busy surfing.

- Well, if you'd only taken
five from hanging ten,

you would have
caught little Mikey

as the captain's
singing sidekick.

- That was 25 years
ago, little Mikey.

Things change. Voices change.

- All right, maybe I've
lost that lilting soprano

that used to warm Captain
Kooky's cockles, but...

I'm still that cute
little towhead

with a smile as
big as all outdoors.

- All right, I'll give you that.

- ♪ Don't you love a farce? ♪

♪ My fault I fear ♪

♪ Losing my timing this late ♪

♪ In my career ♪

♪ Send in the clowns ♪

♪ Quick Send in the clowns ♪

♪ Don't bother ♪

♪ They're here ♪

- That was lovely.

I never knew what
that song meant till now.

It's about clowns, isn't it?

- Right, George,
and... and about always

remembering to...
To send them in.

- Oh, sorry it took so long.

But Lucky, he's the bartender

with the skin
thing on his hands,

he says to me, "Chantal,
come in the kitchen.

I want to show you something."

So I go in there,

and right in the
middle of the floor

is this dead thing.

So, I say, "Lucky,
what is it? A animal?"

So, Lucky, who finds
humor in any given situation,

God bless him,
says, "It used to be."

Wooh... that Lucky.

If it weren't for
that skin thing,

I'd love to have his kids.

- Chantal, Chantal.

I-I know there's a
four-drink minimum.

But, you know, d-do you have
to serve them a-all at once?

- Yeah. So, want
me to run a tab?

- No. No, I-I think these...

these 12 drinks will... will
see us through the evening.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
the Gunpowder Room

at the Drum and Musket
family restaurant here

on Route 14 is
proud and privileged

to present tonight's
featured liquor, bourbon.

Three sh*ts for a sawbuck.

Next act, Michael Harris.

- Thanks so much for
that generous applause.

I'd like to dedicate
this first number

to a certain handyman
in the house tonight,

named George.

- I hope he means me.

- ♪ Green acres
Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm living Is
the life for me ♪

♪ Lands spreading
out So far and wide ♪

♪ Oh keep Manhattan just
Give me that countryside ♪

Thank you.

You know, that song
brings back warm memories

for me too.

This next tune goes out
to a certain beautiful lady

in the house tonight,
named Joanna.

♪ Diamonds ♪

♪ Daisies ♪

♪ Snowflakes ♪

♪ That girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts ♪

♪ Rainbows ♪

♪ Springtime That girl ♪

♪ That girl too ♪

Thank you.

- d*ck... what
kind of act is this?

- A very bad one.

- I can just get
serious for a moment.

There's a certain special
someone in the house tonight

I'd like to salute.

He's more than
just a friend. He's...

well, there's really
only one way to put this.

d*ck Loudon, I love you.

Come on, d*ck, get
up and take a bow.

- I don't... I don't want to.

- Sure you do.

Hit that man with a spot!

- Poignant moment, d*ck.
- Shut up, George.

- ♪ d*ck-dittle-dit dittle-lit
Dittle-lit d*ck Dicksters ♪

♪ d*ck dittle-lit dittle-lit
Dittle-lit dittle-lit-lit d*ck ♪

♪ d*ck dittle-lit dittle-lit
Dittle-lit-dit d*ck-man ♪

♪ d*ck dittle-lit
dittle-lit Dittle-lit ♪

♪ d*ck-dittle-lit-dit d*ck ♪

What the hell am I doing?

I'm no singer.

Heck, I'm no whiz
at whistling either.

What was I thinking?

Give up a gig at a great
grocery to hum TV themes

in a joint where there are
dead things in the kitchen?

Boy, what a loser!

A stupid loser.

Ah, geez, a hole in my shoe.

Stupid loser with
a hole in his shoe.

I'll have to buy new shoes.

I can't afford new shoes.

Oh no, baby's going
to need new shoes too.

And Steph, she loves shoes.

She'll need shoes
after she gives birth

and her ankles unswell.

My family will go barefoot.

What about clothes? We'll
have to stop wearing them.

Oh God, the taunting
my kid is going to get.

"What does your
daddy do for a living?"

"Nothing!

"He's just a stupid loser
with holes in his shoes

"who makes us
walk around naked."

My kid's going to hate me.

Why didn't I just
finish college,

become a court stenographer?

You don't see court
stenographers' kids

running around
buck naked, do you?

I'm a bum. I'm a stupid bum!

Oh, perfect. Now I'm
wallowing in self-pity.

I'm a loser and
a bum and a joke.

Why do I put
myself through this?

Why do I put
myself through this?

It's not the first
time I've been down.

I've been down before
and bounced back.

Yeah.

And you gotta love a
guy who bounces back

again and again.

I know I do.

And so will my kid. Heck,
he'll take after his old man.

He'll love me whether
I'm a stupid bum or not.

And so will Steph, by golly,

because she's the
spouse at my side.

And she loves me too.
Oh, God, to be this loved!

♪ Love is all around
No need to waste it ♪

♪ I can have it all
Why don't I taste it? ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it After all ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ I'm gonna make it After all ♪

- Not since Cats have
I been this moved.

- What a performance!

I like the humming.

And that d*ck-dittle-dit
part was darn catchy.

- I think you're
the finest showman

on the face of the Earth.

But that could be
the beer talking.

- Thanks, George.

Hey, d*ck, did you notice
what I didn't do up there?

- You, uh, you didn't
throw your hat in the air

after the end of that last song.

- I wasn't wearing a hat.

Strange. Suddenly, my
sanity started slipping

and I didn't need
Sir d*ck to save me.

I worked it through myself.

Is this what it feels like to
be a grownup, d*ck, huh, is it?

Huh, is it?

- Darn tootin'.

- Michael, are you
going to do a late show?

I'd like to sit
through it again.

I got a little lost
during the part

about the stenographers'
naked kids.

- Nah, George, I'm
packing in my pipes

and I'm asking
Menkey for my job back.

You know, I don't
think my kind of music

really connected
with this crowd.

- Anybody need to visit the
restroom as much as I do?

- Yes, I think
that's a good idea.

- I'll show you where it is.
- All right.

You've got to go back.

- Where is it, Michael?

♪ But don't pass
the plate Folks ♪

♪ Don't pass the cup ♪

♪ I figure Whenever
I'm down and out ♪

♪ The only way is up ♪

♪ And I will be up! ♪

♪ Like a rosebud ♪

♪ High on that vine ♪

♪ Don't thumb your nose, bud ♪

♪ Just take a little
tip From mine ♪

♪ I may be a little bit
Short of the elbow room ♪

♪ But let me get me some ♪

♪ And look out world ♪

♪ I say ♪

♪ Look out world! ♪

♪ Here I ♪

♪ Ching ching chong ching
Ching chong chong chong ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

♪ Look out world ♪

♪ Here I ♪

♪ Ching ching chong ching
ching Chong chong chong ♪

♪ Here I come! ♪

- Meow.
Post Reply