08x08 - Cupcake in a Cage

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
Watch/Buy Amazon

d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
Post Reply

08x08 - Cupcake in a Cage

Post by bunniefuu »

Stupid eggs!

- Honey, would
you pass the rolls?

- Here you go.

Stupid bacon!

- Butter with that?

- No, I think I'll
try marmalade.

I'm in that mood, you know?

Stupid, stupid parsley!

- Excuse me, I'm
not usually one to pry,

but is your maid possessed?

- No, no. That's just...
just her cooking method.

She likes to
intimidate the food.

- Actually there's a reason
behind my squaw's squawks.

She's got the baby-
in-the-belly hormone blues.

- She's eight months pregnant.

- Oh.

Oh!

- It's nothing to worry about.

Just treat her the way we do,
pretend she's a live grenade.

- Here's your stupid
bacon and eggs.

- I didn't order bacon and eggs.

I ordered pancakes.

- The pin is out of the grenade.

- Well, I didn't make pancakes.

I made bacon and eggs.

- But I don't like bacon.

- You will the way I made it.

I tenderized it.

I threw it against the wall.

- Stephanie, go make
Mr. Jenkins his pancakes.

- Why? Because
he asked for them?

Maybe now on, I should
just go from table to table

asking everybody what they want.

- I'll just go to a restaurant,

and good luck on
the birth of your child.

- Oh, drop dead.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

How could I have said that?

- No, it's okay. I understand.

- Don't you even
think of touching me.

- I thought New Englanders were
supposed to be nice and normal.

- Well, that'll teach you
not to stereotype people.

- Stephanie, you were
very rude to our guest.

- Get off my back, woman.

And knock off this "guest" sham.

You charge people to stay here.

- Give birth already!

Mr. Jenkins!

- Michael, why didn't
you stick up for me?

- I was just trying to
remain neutral, you know,

like Switzerland and...

Quick, d*ck, what
other country is neutral?

- Michael, I order
you to take sides.

- You were totally in the right.

- Don't patronize me.

- You were totally in the wrong.

- Traitor.

- There was no correct
answer, was there?

- L-Leave me alone.

- No offense, Michael,

but right now, I can't
stand the sight of you.

Oh no, you're not
going to cry, are you?

- I'll cry if I want
to, cry if I want to.

You would cry too if
this happened to you.

- Why are you staring at me?
- I-I'm not. I'm not.

- Well, your eggs are.
- Sorry. Sorry.

Here's... here's a wacky idea.

Why don't... why don't you
take my car a-and go shopping,

you know, get some fresh air
a-and maybe y-your sanity back?

- You trying to get
rid of me, buddy?

- I'd... I'd rather
not answer that.

It sounds like... like one
of y-your trick questions.

- Okay, maybe I
will go shopping.

Yay.

- I'll drive over to
Johnnycake Mall.

I just hope no stupid, stupid
pedestrians get in my way.

- Wait, why don't... why
don't I-I drive you over there?

You know, it'll give us a
chance to talk some more.

- Oh, that'll be a thrill.

- Oh hi, Michael.

- Hi, George.

- Is something wrong?

- No. No, just playing a quick
game of hide and whimper.

- Oh! Well, I hope you win.

- Hey there, Georgie boy. Wait.

There is something wrong.

- I thought so.

- My sweet and sour
Steph yelled at me

and wounded me
with her wicked words.

- She did seem angry.

She just drove by with d*ck
and threw a soda can at my head.

I'll have some story to
tell at the recycling center.

- She told this punching bag boy

she couldn't stand
the sight of him.

- Well, if it's any
consolation, Michael,

I can't get enough of you.

- Thank you, George. That's
the nicest lie you ever told.

- It was nothing.

You know, you should
look on the bright side.

- You mean, I don't have
a Diet Dr. Pepper dent

in my head like you do?

- No, no, that at least you
have someone to yell at you.

Who do I have?

- Nobody.

- That's right, and you
have a kid on the way,

who will probably
yell at you too.

Who do I have?

- Nobody again. Just
you, yourself, and ye.

- If it weren't for people
throwing things at my head,

I wouldn't even know I exist.

- Wow, you speak wise
words, Kemo-Georgie.

No matter how bad
things seem for moi,

I mean, your lot is a lot
worse. You must be miserable.

Thanks for the pep, pal.

- I'm so glad you
decided to stay.

You'll see, other
than Stephanie,

the rest of us New
Englanders are nice and normal.

Oh. Oh, hi, Joanna.

Hi, Mr. Jenkins.

- George, what are
you doing down there?

- I'm playing a quick
game of hide and whimper,

'cause nobody
wants to yell at me.

- I'll be checking out now.

- Mr. Jenkins!

Can't you play hide and
whimper in your own damn room?

Mr. Jenkins!

- She yelled at me!

- Honestly, d*ck.

You are the slowest
driver I have ever seen.

- Well, you know, I mean,

how much time
would we have saved

even if I had run
over those ducks?

- Well, I guess we'll
never know, will we?

Oh, my god, that's
a Gianna Bruzzese.

The new spring line came
out and I didn't even know it.

- I can't believe it
got by the both of us.

- Excuse me, miss.

I'd like to try on that
Gianna Bruzzese.

- Maybe... maybe you...
maybe you pronounced it wrong.

- I'm sorry, I thought
you were making a joke.

- Trying on a
dress is not a joke.

Later on, I'll tell
you a real joke

and you can compare the
two and learn the difference.

Now, get me my dress,

you four-eyed shop
girl, before I make a stink.

- Fine.

- You know, Stephanie, you
were just the teeniest bit rude

to that... to that shop girl.

- I was?

I didn't say please
to that witch, did I?

- That was it, and you were also
a little hard on Michael before.

You know, especially
when you said

you couldn't stand
the sight of him.

- Oh gee, I hope he didn't
take that the wrong way.

I mean, I love Michael.

He's my husband and
the father of my baby-to-be.

Oh, I'm going to
look gorgeous in that.

Let me try it on.
Let me try it on.

- Maybe in a few months
when you're a little less pregnant.

- Are you saying you refuse
to serve a pregnant woman

because if you are,
that's probably illegal

and I'll have to sue that
cheap polyester frock

right off your back.

- O-Okay, I'm...
I'm ready to go.

Maybe if w-we hurry, we'll get
a-another cr*ck at those ducks,

especially... especially the
one that you claimed was,

you know, w-was staring at you.

- d*ck, this woman
is interfering

with my God-given
right to try on clothes.

- I'm sorry, miss,

but you're just too
enormous for this dress.

- Careful, miss.

She has a-a loaded can
of Dr. Pepper in her purse.

- If you think that dress is too
small for my enormous body,

just let the damn thing out.

- I can't. There's
not enough material.

- Then take some from her.

But I am not leaving this
store until I try that dress on.

- Is that so?

- O-Okay. Okay, everyone.

Show is over. Please disperse.

Th-Thank you.

- Take that dress off.
We need the material.

- Forget it, it's mine.

- d*ck, rip her dress off.

- Okay folks, show's
over. Please disperse.

- Sure, you listen
to a guy in uniform.

- Help me rip her dress off.

You might want
to club her first.

- Would you please
ask this person to leave?

She's frightening
the other shoppers.

- I am not frightening anyone.

Am I?
- No. No, I'm not scared at all.

- Tell you what, if you leave,
I'll buy you a cherry Slurpee.

How about grape?

You just hit me!

No Slurpee for you. Come on.

- Get your hands off me.

Would you please
hold that dress for me?

- She must be insane
to do something like that.

- Am I glad she's gone.

I was scared for my life.

d*ck, are you coming or not?

- She doesn't mean me.
My n... my name is Phil.

- d*ck!
- Coming. Coming.

- Mr. Jenkins!

Mr. Jenkins!

Mr. Jenkins!

Mr. Jenkins!

Michael, have you
seen Mr. Jenkins?

I'm trying to talk
him into staying.

- No, no, JoJo, I haven't.

Have you seen my hormonal other?

- No.

Come to think of it,
have you seen d*ck?

- I haven't even laid a partial
peeper on your man d*ck-free.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This
is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my
other brother, Darryl.

- Have you guys
seen a Mr. Jenkins?

- No.
- Have you seen a Stephy?

- No.
- Have you seen d*ck?

- No.

We're in luck, Darryl.

The rapid-fire questions
and general confusion

leads me to believe we've
stumbled upon a French farce.

Please continue.

- Have you checked the pantry?

- Zut alors, I haven't.

- See, in classic French farce,
people often hide in pantries,

unless they're dead,

in which case they sit in chairs

while others hold one-sided
conversations with them.

The harried
innkeeper has arrived.

Let's see if we can
follow the action.

- Stephanie's in jail.
We have to bail her out.

- My cupcake's in a cage! Why?

- I'll tell you on the way.

- Harried innkeeper
beats a hasty retreat,

followed closely by the
perplexed male ingénue.

- Did I just hear d*ck?

- You missed him
by a split second.

Timing is everything in a farce,

hence the failure of
Marblehead Manor.

- Do you know where he went?

- Yes, with Michael.

- Do you know
where Michael went?

- Yes, with d*ck.

A good farce must have comedy.

Moliere said it best when
he said go for the yuks.

- d*ck!

Michael!

Mr. Jenkins!

- It appears to be intermission.

It appears intermission is over.

Mr. Jenkins, we presume?
- Yes.

- Miss Joanna's looking
for you. She's right outside.

- Oh no, I guess I'll
have to sneak out at night.

- Hear that, Darryl?

Two shows a day.

Let us ourselves
b*at a hasty retreat

and get gussied up for
this evening performance.

It's not often you find good
French farce in Vermont.

- Or a good egg cream.

- ♪ Why do Birds
suddenly appear ♪

♪ Every time you're near? ♪

♪ Just like me They
like to be close to you ♪

- Knock off the singing.

We prisoners have
rights too, you know.

- Listen, I can make
things easy on you

or I can make them hard.

- Makes things
easy, get a new face.

- This was such a peaceful
burg before this baby boom hit.

- I like your style.

What are you in for?

- I slapped a security guard
just to watch him go, "Ow."

How about you?

- Slapped my mailman.

TV Guide was late,

and it had Cosby
on the cover again.

- I slapped my
priest after he told me

this water retention
too shall pass.

- Yeah, this must
be the cellblock

where they put the slappers.

Well, if people cross
us, they're going to pay.

- That's right.
- Right on.

- Oh my God, I
slapped Father Ponstil.

Oh, how could I have done that?

He baptized me,
for goodness sakes.

- And I slapped that nice
mailman, Mr. Dinsmore.

It's not his fault Bill
Cosby is so ubiquitous.

- That poor security guard
was just doing his job.

I really should pay
for that tooth I cracked.

- Hey, I warned you before,
knock off the mood swings.

- Poor Michael, the
things I said to him.

- Oh, I called my husband
a walking phlegm ball.

- I told mine that
the baby isn't his.

It might be his.

- Dr. Grossman warned me
I might have mood swings.

Of course, he was
standing out of striking range

when he said it.

- You use Dr. Grossman?

I do too.
- Me too.

- No.
- Yes!

- I love that man so much.

- He's so gentle.

- And sweet.

Other than my husband
and my mailman,

Dr. Grossman's the only man
I like getting undressed for.

- All right, ladies,
let's can the smut.

You here to visit the riffraff?

- Actually just the one riff.

- Does... does there
seem to be a theme here?

- Michael, you came for me,

and after all of the
horrible things I said.

You are the most
wonderful man in the world.

- No, my man is.

- No, my men are.

- Oh Michael, being away
from you and in the lockup

has been t*rture.

- But Muffin, this
morning you said

you couldn't stand
the sight of me.

- Well, that wasn't me talking.

That was my raging hormones
and they don't love you like I do.

- Aw, Steph!

- Oh, Michael.

- Aw.

- Okay, get away from me.

Go see what's keeping d*ck.

If I stay here any longer,

I might wind up hard
and bitter like these two.

No offense, but you two
have an edge that's not pretty.

- Come on, d*ck. Shake a shin.

My caged cutie wants
out of cellblock mommy.

- I'm trying.

I've never seen so many
damn questions on a form.

Do you really have to know
what type of music I like?

- We want our
records to be complete.

Just as I thought, show tunes.

- Here, do I have to go
through a-a strip search now?

- Watch it, Loudon.

I could book you
for sarcasm one.

All right, blondie,

flap your wings.

Fly to freedom.

- Bye, Norma.
- Bye, honey.

- Bye, Debbie.
- We'll miss you, banjo.

- Well, I'll see you
as soon as the system

spits you back
out on the streets.

- I wouldn't rent a
reunion hall just yet.

- Problemo with the
Sing-Sing sisters?

- Their hubbies are over
at Johnnycake Bar and Grill

watching the Patriots game.

Won't be over 'til said game is.

- The Patriots game is on?

Damn.

H-How come my mailman always
d-delivers my TV Guide late?

- Some mailmen
need a good slapping.

- Well, I'm not leaving until
my sisters are sprung too.

- Welcome back, honey.

- We missed you, banjo.

- Cuppers, what are you doing?

You just met these
big bad mamas.

- Michael, when you
do time with people,

you become very
close very quickly.

- But Steph, seeing you
withering away in that slammer

is more than this
papa bear can bear.

Bail them all out, d*ck.

- I'm not going to bail
out total strangers.

- Oh, it's always
you straight arrows

that won't give us cons a break.

Michael, make d*ck
write another check.

- d*ck, write another check.

- No!
- Do something, Michael.

I'm starting to hate
the sight of you again.

- Jeepers, you
do turn on a dime.

What do you say we jitter
over to the Johnnycake

and hustle back their hubbies?

- Good idea.

Banjo is starting
to frighten me.

We'll be back as soon
as the game is over.

- I heard that, d*ck,

and I want your scrawny
bodies back here immediately.

- Let's hope it goes
into triple overtime.

- I heard that too.

- You men are all alike.
- You're all scum.

- You try hauling around
20 extra pounds of baby.

Here you go.

- Thanks, Michael.

You're welcome, Dickers.

- What... what are
you doing down there?

My ex-con cutie is
still gunning for me.

- How about you, Mr. Jenkins?

I'm hiding from your wife.

- Ah!

♪ Just like me They long to be ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

- ♪ Just like me
They long to be ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

- Meow!
Post Reply