08x12 - Lights! Camera! Contractions!

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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08x12 - Lights! Camera! Contractions!

Post by bunniefuu »

- Here's your French toast.

Eat it as fast as
you possibly can.

- What's the rush, dear?

- I go on maternity leave

as soon as the
breakfast dishes are done.

So let's chow down. Okay?

- Stephanie, let Mrs.
Pesko enjoy her meal.

- Look, I give birth in a week

and I intend to pamper
myself until then.

So the sooner she
polishes off that French toast,

the sooner I get
to soak in a tub

with cucumber slices on my eyes.

Still nursing those
eggs, huh, d*ck?

- Yeah, I like to
linger over my yolks.

It soothes me.

Oh, and I wouldn't
mind some fresh coffee.

- Oh, you just love to make
a pregnant woman jump,

don't you?

- Why have we kept
her on for six years?

- We're idiots.

- You two cuties
up for a quick Q&A?

- Depends on the Q.

- Here's the quiz, kids.

What kind of parents do you
think Stephanie and I will make?

You're up first, JoJo.

- Well, I think if
you and Stephanie

can put aside your selfishness
and realize that this baby

is going to be totally
dependent on you

and will require
constant guidance and...

- Cut! What a negative Nelly.

I should have
prompted you first.

Here, think fun and read.

- "I think Michael and Stephanie

"will make absolutely
wonderful parents."

- Thanks, Mrs. L.

That means so much
coming from you.

d*ck?

I can't talk, I'm eating.

- Hey, George-man.

What kind of parents do you
think Stephanie and I will make?

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely
wonderful puppets.

Oh, sorry, parents.

- Thanks, G-sters.

That means so much
coming from you.

- When will this be on TV?

- Never.

I'm putting together a tape

as a gift for my
yet-to-be-born newborn.

- You better erase me.

I don't mind fibbing

to thousands of
folks out in TV land,

but I could never lie to a
baby that hasn't been born yet.

- The show will be on Wednesday
after Jake and the Fatman.

- Great time slot.

I hope the camera doesn't
put ten pounds on me,

like it does to Joe Penny.

- Hi Michael, are you asking
everyone the big question?

- Well, I squeezed the correct
answer out of Joanna and George,

but d*ck's playing mute du jour.

- d*ck.

I can't talk while I'm eating.

- What about the
others on your list?

- I've interviewed everyone
except Dr. Grossman

and the scrub nurse,

but I figure I could nab
them once we're in delivery.

- Do you actually think
you're bringing that camera

into the delivery room?

- Well, how else can I capture

the slapping of our sapling's
posterior for posterity, pookie?

- I forbid you to tape
the birth of our baby.

- Why?

- There is a slim chance
I won't look beautiful

when I'm in labor.

- But a lot of
couples are doing it.

- So? A lot of couples
go square dancing.

That doesn't make it
acceptable behavior.

- Point well taken.

Wouldn't the two of
you like to view a video

of my mama llama
dropping our tottling?

Can't talk, we're eating.

- Michael, look
deep into my eyes.

What are they doing?

- Squinting.

- And what does that signify?

- That I'll be singing soprano
if I don't watch my step.

- Now promise me

you will not bring that
camera into the delivery room.

- But, Cuppers...

I promise, I will not bring this
camera into the delivery room.

- Good.

You two have stuffed
your faces long enough.

I'm officially on
maternity leave.

- You do intend to keep
your promise, don't you?

- Sorta.

You know what I got up here?

- You... you tell us.

- Plans, my friends, big plans.

- Do we have
earthquakes in Vermont?

- Only when the Stones
play the Civic Center.

- My body started
rumbling and it scared me.

- Stephanie, you had
your first contraction.

- I did?
- But I didn't get it on tape.

- Shouldn't we be rushing
to the hospital or something?

- d*ck's right.

I can't give birth in a filthy
disgusting dining room.

- I'll go start up the car.

- Let's take d*ck's car in case
I'm early and things get messy.

- So pregnant,
and yet so practical.

- Stephanie, how
are you feeling?

- I think I felt
another earthquake.

- I-It must have
been a-an aftershock.

- Where's Michael?

- He's in the cafeteria.

He was asking the guy who
fills the cigarette machines

what kind of parents you'd make.

Eww! Huh!

I think I felt another
one of those twingies.

- Contractions, Stephanie.

Don't you remember
that word from Lamaze?

- Well, Michael and I didn't
pay that much attention in class.

We were too busy giggling

at all the other mothers'
godawful maternity outfits.

- Tsk, tsk. I mean, being
pregnant is no excuse

for... for throwing all
fashion sense out the window.

- Ain't that the gospel!

- You know, that last
twingy smarted a little.

I hope this childbirth
thing isn't painful.

- Well, I hear some women
experience a teeny bit of agony.

- Well, that won't do at all.

Quick, I need
comforting thoughts.

- Well, you know...

hang, uh, hang... hang in there.

- Hang in there?

Isn't that that stupid poster

of that mangy kitten
doing chin-ups?

- Well yeah, but you know, the...
the message is... is universal.

- d*ck, it's a cliché.

- You're supposed
to be a writer.

- I'm sorry I let you all down.

- Boy, you wouldn't
think a neurosurgeon

would need 12
takes to get it right.

- Why is that
camera in this room?

I thought I threatened
you about that.

- Au contraire, Cuppers.

You threatened me
about bringing this

into the delivery room.

- Oh, I'm getting my
threats all mixed up.

I'm in labor, you know.

Ow!

I think that twingy was it.

People, it's now time
for me to give birth

to the most beautiful
baby ever born.

- I'll go get Don and Phil.

- The Everly Brothers?

- No, the orderlies.

- Darn!

- Hang in there.

- Oh, you're so sweet, Michael.

- All right, listen up, crew.

We are at two
minutes and counting,

so man your prenatal positions.

Hey Bud, no one's budging.

- No. They're on
coffee break, Mikey.

- What? My pet's ready to pop.

When's it over?

- About an hour, Mikey.

- An hour coffee break?

- They got a
strong union, Mikey.

- Enough with the Mikeys.

Look, I'm thrilled you
guys could all be here

for my wife's birth,
but time's a-ticking,

so how about you
boychicks cut your break a bit

so we can get this
damn thing on film?

- You've got to take that
up with our union rep, Mikey.

- All right, fine, where is he?

- Right here, Mikey.

- Will you let these guys
work through their break?

Hey, afterwards I'll
buy everybody bagels.

- And cream cheese?

- Yes.

Mike, ready for sound check.

- Okay, Bud, you're up.
- Oh, okay.

How's that for you, Bill?

Nice, Mikey. You
want reverb on that?

- Yeah, it wouldn't hurt.

- Hey, get ready, she's coming.

She's coming!
- Alright, everybody.

- Stephanie Gives Birth
to the Most Beautiful Baby

Ever Born, take one.

Quiet, please.

On a bell.

Hurry up, action.

- What the hell are you doing?

You promised you
wouldn't sh**t this!

Ow.

- Actually Cuppers, I promised
I wouldn't use my camcorder.

You didn't say anything
about using three studio cams

and a crew of 15.

- Get out!

- Huh?

- You will have nothing to
do with the birth of this baby.

- Cuppers, how about
just two studio cams?

- Out!

What are you all just
standing around for?

- Mikey promised us bagels.

- And cream cheese.

- Out! Out! Out!

All of you, out.

You, wait.

Thank you.

Out! Out!

- Sorry it took so long,

but I had to wait for
the heads to go down.

- Oh, that's okay.

We'd rather have flat beers

than those ones with the
heads on them any day.

- Sure.

So, what are you drinking to?

- Oh, the wife kicked
this pig out on his skin.

- Were you cheating on her?

- Heavens, no.

- You wanna?

- Heavens, no.

My prime-time pumpkin
is moments away

from producing a spinoff.

- His... his wife's
expecting a baby.

Uh, could we get some
pretzels, preferably, you know,

stale ones to go with
our... our flat beers?

- Sorry, we're out
of stale pretzels.

I'll bring you stale popcorn.

- How can my sweetums
throw me out like that?

Was what I did
for love so wrong?

- Michael, you
brought 15 burly men

in-into that delivery room.

- You're right.

I guess I should have gone
without the stunt double.

- It's on the house.

If Lucky, my boss, asks,
you're a restaurant critic.

- Gotcha.

- Can I say something?

- Is it going to be
a burp, George?

- Not yet.

When my cow,
Lizanne, gave birth,

I was with her every
step of the way.

Do you mind if I sit
for the rest of this?

- No, George.

I'm sure it won't spoil
the impact o-of your story.

- Anyway, when
delivery time came,

Lizanne suddenly
didn't want me around.

She started mooing
and kicking at my head.

But I stood my ground

and I was there to see the
birth of my... well, her child.

- George, maybe... maybe
you better stop there.

You know, you
have had half a beer.

Y-You don't want
to betray a trust.

- Please, d*ck, I
wish to hear more.

Continue the yarn.

- The upshot is that even
though Lizanne protested,

she did appreciate
me being there.

- She... she told
you that, did she?

- Let's just say she
named her calf Farm Boy.

- Golly gee golly, if George
can stand by his cow,

then yumping yiminy,
I can stand by my wife.

Right, d*ck?

- Can't talk, I'm eating.

- I'm going to zip
over to that hospital

and help my little heifer
with the birth of our calf.

Whoa, I should have
never had that third sip.

- Yeah, that's the one that
makes your knees wobble.

- If I drink any more,

I'm going to start telling
you about my Lizanne.

- I guess in every man's life,
there's a Lizanne, huh, d*ck?

- No. No, Farm Boy, there isn't.

Paging Dr. Cake,
Dr. John E. Cake.

Paging Dr. Cake,
Dr. John E. Cake.

- Excuse me.

That mirror's at a bad
angle. I can't see my face.

- It's angled so you can
watch the birth of your baby.

- Oh. Why would I
want to watch that

when I could look
at something pretty?

- Some people think giving birth

is the most beautiful
sight there is.

- Well, that's okay
for some people,

for some dumb people, to be.

But some people ain't me.

Ew!

- Are you in pain?

- We Vanderkellens
don't experience pain.

Unless you're talking about the
painful burden of great wealth.

- Hi, Stephanie.

I thought you might
need some support

since Michael won't be around.

- They wouldn't let
you wear your sweater

over that gown, huh?

- I didn't ask,
and they said no.

- Well, make yourself
useful and adjust that mirror

so I can fix my hair.

- Stephanie, when
you give birth,

it doesn't matter
what you look like.

- Joanna, newborns
are very impressionable.

I don't want mine
frightened by unruly hair.

You might want to run a
comb through that mess.

Eww.

I really felt that one. This
is beginning to annoy me.

- I'll go get Dr. Grossman.

- You know, Stephanie,
as the father of this child,

Michael really should be here.

- He was there
for the conception.

He didn't think we
needed a film crew then.

Eww!

- Look, Michael was
just overly excited

about the birth of his child.

If he's guilty of anything,

it's that he loves you
and the baby too much.

- Eww.

Is there any way to
stop these things?

Breathe into a paper
bag or something?

- Well, I hear we're
ready to sh**t out a baby.

- No. I've decided to hold it in

until we find my
over-loving husband.

- Stephanie, you
can't hold a baby in

if it's ready to come out.

- I'm a Vanderkellen, I
can do anything I want.

- You also said a
Vanderkellen doesn't feel pain

and you were wrong about that.

- Oh, is this really any
of your business, Lucy?

- Look, the baby's
a Vanderkellen too,

so if it wants out,
it's coming out.

- But it's also half Harris.

I mean, maybe the
Vanderkellen half

could talk the Harris
half into staying inside.

Does that make sense to anyone?

- Not at all.

- Eww!

Joanna, I'm scared.

What if the baby
doesn't like me?

- Oh Stephanie,
there's no greater love

than the love a child
has for his mother.

- That was very
inspirational, Joanna.

You and d*ck should
write a book of clichés.

Michael!

- I'm here for you,
my little beer nut.

- Okay Joanna, you can go now.

- Don't I even get a
"Thanks for stopping by"?

- I'm in labor.

I don't have time to
be my usual polite self.

Oh, all right.

Joanna, your hair
doesn't look so bad.

- Thanks. Hang in there.

- I had to say something
nice. She seemed so down.

- Hey doc, glad you popped in.
We might have some work for you.

Is this Mrs. Doctor, Doctor?

- Eww.

Michael, this is not
the time or place

for your Dean Martin impression.

- This is no impression.
I had three sips of beer.

- Michael!

Well, right after
this baby's born,

you are drying out at
the Betty Ford Clinic.

You can stay in
my father's suite.

- Eww.

- This looks like it.

- Good gourd, you mean
our cot train is pulling in?

Oh, my petite Guernsey.

I'm so, so sorry
about that little

lights, camera,
contractions fiasco.

- Oh Michael, who cares?

Now what did we
learn in that baby class?

- That most of the other parents
drive cheap domestic cars.

- We really should
have taken notes.

- Jump back, I do
remember something else!

Pull, Steph, pull.

- That doesn't sound right.

- You know, pushing
is another way to go.

- Push, Steph, push.

- Michael, is that a bead of
perspiration on my forehead?

- Oh Lordy, it is.

You want me to clear the
room before anyone else sees it?

- No, that won't be necessary.

I've decided it's okay if
I perspire during labor.

- You'll do anything
for this baby, won't you?

- Eww.

I feel it coming.

Quick, tilt the mirror
down so I can see.

- Away from your face,
Cuppers? Are you sure?

- Yes. It doesn't
matter what I look like.

I want to see our beautiful
baby come into this world.

- Oh, sweet pea, I don't
know when I've loved you

as much as right now.

- Shut up and tilt the
damn mirror down.

- You got it, my bellowing babe.

Oh my God, the miracle of birth.

- I can see our baby.

- I can see it too, Steph.

I see a little bald
head, with glasses.

- That's the doctor.

- You hear that, Steph?
Our baby's a doctor.

- You're looking
at Dr. Grossman.

- Oh muffin, you're giving
birth to a Jewish doctor.

- Oh Michael, you're so
stupid when you're drunk.

- My son, the Jewish doctor.

- Congratulations, it's a girl.

- My daughter,
the Jewish doctor.

Oh Steph, aren't the two
of us just so wonderful?

- No, Michael, the three of us.

- Oh Cuppers, I love you so.

- Oh, Michael!

Not in front of the kid.

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely
wonderful parents.

- Oh, absolutely.

Michael and Stephanie
will make wonderful parents.

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely
wonderful parents.

- I think that Michael
and Stephanie

will make absolutely
wonderful parents.

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely
wonderful parents.

Can I go now?

- Meow!
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