08x12 - Lights! Camera! Contractions!
Posted: 03/17/23 06:50
- Here's your French toast.
Eat it as fast as
you possibly can.
- What's the rush, dear?
- I go on maternity leave
as soon as the
breakfast dishes are done.
So let's chow down. Okay?
- Stephanie, let Mrs.
Pesko enjoy her meal.
- Look, I give birth in a week
and I intend to pamper
myself until then.
So the sooner she
polishes off that French toast,
the sooner I get
to soak in a tub
with cucumber slices on my eyes.
Still nursing those
eggs, huh, d*ck?
- Yeah, I like to
linger over my yolks.
It soothes me.
Oh, and I wouldn't
mind some fresh coffee.
- Oh, you just love to make
a pregnant woman jump,
don't you?
- Why have we kept
her on for six years?
- We're idiots.
- You two cuties
up for a quick Q&A?
- Depends on the Q.
- Here's the quiz, kids.
What kind of parents do you
think Stephanie and I will make?
You're up first, JoJo.
- Well, I think if
you and Stephanie
can put aside your selfishness
and realize that this baby
is going to be totally
dependent on you
and will require
constant guidance and...
- Cut! What a negative Nelly.
I should have
prompted you first.
Here, think fun and read.
- "I think Michael and Stephanie
"will make absolutely
wonderful parents."
- Thanks, Mrs. L.
That means so much
coming from you.
d*ck?
I can't talk, I'm eating.
- Hey, George-man.
What kind of parents do you
think Stephanie and I will make?
- I think Michael and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful puppets.
Oh, sorry, parents.
- Thanks, G-sters.
That means so much
coming from you.
- When will this be on TV?
- Never.
I'm putting together a tape
as a gift for my
yet-to-be-born newborn.
- You better erase me.
I don't mind fibbing
to thousands of
folks out in TV land,
but I could never lie to a
baby that hasn't been born yet.
- The show will be on Wednesday
after Jake and the Fatman.
- Great time slot.
I hope the camera doesn't
put ten pounds on me,
like it does to Joe Penny.
- Hi Michael, are you asking
everyone the big question?
- Well, I squeezed the correct
answer out of Joanna and George,
but d*ck's playing mute du jour.
- d*ck.
I can't talk while I'm eating.
- What about the
others on your list?
- I've interviewed everyone
except Dr. Grossman
and the scrub nurse,
but I figure I could nab
them once we're in delivery.
- Do you actually think
you're bringing that camera
into the delivery room?
- Well, how else can I capture
the slapping of our sapling's
posterior for posterity, pookie?
- I forbid you to tape
the birth of our baby.
- Why?
- There is a slim chance
I won't look beautiful
when I'm in labor.
- But a lot of
couples are doing it.
- So? A lot of couples
go square dancing.
That doesn't make it
acceptable behavior.
- Point well taken.
Wouldn't the two of
you like to view a video
of my mama llama
dropping our tottling?
Can't talk, we're eating.
- Michael, look
deep into my eyes.
What are they doing?
- Squinting.
- And what does that signify?
- That I'll be singing soprano
if I don't watch my step.
- Now promise me
you will not bring that
camera into the delivery room.
- But, Cuppers...
I promise, I will not bring this
camera into the delivery room.
- Good.
You two have stuffed
your faces long enough.
I'm officially on
maternity leave.
- You do intend to keep
your promise, don't you?
- Sorta.
You know what I got up here?
- You... you tell us.
- Plans, my friends, big plans.
- Do we have
earthquakes in Vermont?
- Only when the Stones
play the Civic Center.
- My body started
rumbling and it scared me.
- Stephanie, you had
your first contraction.
- I did?
- But I didn't get it on tape.
- Shouldn't we be rushing
to the hospital or something?
- d*ck's right.
I can't give birth in a filthy
disgusting dining room.
- I'll go start up the car.
- Let's take d*ck's car in case
I'm early and things get messy.
- So pregnant,
and yet so practical.
- Stephanie, how
are you feeling?
- I think I felt
another earthquake.
- I-It must have
been a-an aftershock.
- Where's Michael?
- He's in the cafeteria.
He was asking the guy who
fills the cigarette machines
what kind of parents you'd make.
Eww! Huh!
I think I felt another
one of those twingies.
- Contractions, Stephanie.
Don't you remember
that word from Lamaze?
- Well, Michael and I didn't
pay that much attention in class.
We were too busy giggling
at all the other mothers'
godawful maternity outfits.
- Tsk, tsk. I mean, being
pregnant is no excuse
for... for throwing all
fashion sense out the window.
- Ain't that the gospel!
- You know, that last
twingy smarted a little.
I hope this childbirth
thing isn't painful.
- Well, I hear some women
experience a teeny bit of agony.
- Well, that won't do at all.
Quick, I need
comforting thoughts.
- Well, you know...
hang, uh, hang... hang in there.
- Hang in there?
Isn't that that stupid poster
of that mangy kitten
doing chin-ups?
- Well yeah, but you know, the...
the message is... is universal.
- d*ck, it's a cliché.
- You're supposed
to be a writer.
- I'm sorry I let you all down.
- Boy, you wouldn't
think a neurosurgeon
would need 12
takes to get it right.
- Why is that
camera in this room?
I thought I threatened
you about that.
- Au contraire, Cuppers.
You threatened me
about bringing this
into the delivery room.
- Oh, I'm getting my
threats all mixed up.
I'm in labor, you know.
Ow!
I think that twingy was it.
People, it's now time
for me to give birth
to the most beautiful
baby ever born.
- I'll go get Don and Phil.
- The Everly Brothers?
- No, the orderlies.
- Darn!
- Hang in there.
- Oh, you're so sweet, Michael.
- All right, listen up, crew.
We are at two
minutes and counting,
so man your prenatal positions.
Hey Bud, no one's budging.
- No. They're on
coffee break, Mikey.
- What? My pet's ready to pop.
When's it over?
- About an hour, Mikey.
- An hour coffee break?
- They got a
strong union, Mikey.
- Enough with the Mikeys.
Look, I'm thrilled you
guys could all be here
for my wife's birth,
but time's a-ticking,
so how about you
boychicks cut your break a bit
so we can get this
damn thing on film?
- You've got to take that
up with our union rep, Mikey.
- All right, fine, where is he?
- Right here, Mikey.
- Will you let these guys
work through their break?
Hey, afterwards I'll
buy everybody bagels.
- And cream cheese?
- Yes.
Mike, ready for sound check.
- Okay, Bud, you're up.
- Oh, okay.
How's that for you, Bill?
Nice, Mikey. You
want reverb on that?
- Yeah, it wouldn't hurt.
- Hey, get ready, she's coming.
She's coming!
- Alright, everybody.
- Stephanie Gives Birth
to the Most Beautiful Baby
Ever Born, take one.
Quiet, please.
On a bell.
Hurry up, action.
- What the hell are you doing?
You promised you
wouldn't sh**t this!
Ow.
- Actually Cuppers, I promised
I wouldn't use my camcorder.
You didn't say anything
about using three studio cams
and a crew of 15.
- Get out!
- Huh?
- You will have nothing to
do with the birth of this baby.
- Cuppers, how about
just two studio cams?
- Out!
What are you all just
standing around for?
- Mikey promised us bagels.
- And cream cheese.
- Out! Out! Out!
All of you, out.
You, wait.
Thank you.
Out! Out!
- Sorry it took so long,
but I had to wait for
the heads to go down.
- Oh, that's okay.
We'd rather have flat beers
than those ones with the
heads on them any day.
- Sure.
So, what are you drinking to?
- Oh, the wife kicked
this pig out on his skin.
- Were you cheating on her?
- Heavens, no.
- You wanna?
- Heavens, no.
My prime-time pumpkin
is moments away
from producing a spinoff.
- His... his wife's
expecting a baby.
Uh, could we get some
pretzels, preferably, you know,
stale ones to go with
our... our flat beers?
- Sorry, we're out
of stale pretzels.
I'll bring you stale popcorn.
- How can my sweetums
throw me out like that?
Was what I did
for love so wrong?
- Michael, you
brought 15 burly men
in-into that delivery room.
- You're right.
I guess I should have gone
without the stunt double.
- It's on the house.
If Lucky, my boss, asks,
you're a restaurant critic.
- Gotcha.
- Can I say something?
- Is it going to be
a burp, George?
- Not yet.
When my cow,
Lizanne, gave birth,
I was with her every
step of the way.
Do you mind if I sit
for the rest of this?
- No, George.
I'm sure it won't spoil
the impact o-of your story.
- Anyway, when
delivery time came,
Lizanne suddenly
didn't want me around.
She started mooing
and kicking at my head.
But I stood my ground
and I was there to see the
birth of my... well, her child.
- George, maybe... maybe
you better stop there.
You know, you
have had half a beer.
Y-You don't want
to betray a trust.
- Please, d*ck, I
wish to hear more.
Continue the yarn.
- The upshot is that even
though Lizanne protested,
she did appreciate
me being there.
- She... she told
you that, did she?
- Let's just say she
named her calf Farm Boy.
- Golly gee golly, if George
can stand by his cow,
then yumping yiminy,
I can stand by my wife.
Right, d*ck?
- Can't talk, I'm eating.
- I'm going to zip
over to that hospital
and help my little heifer
with the birth of our calf.
Whoa, I should have
never had that third sip.
- Yeah, that's the one that
makes your knees wobble.
- If I drink any more,
I'm going to start telling
you about my Lizanne.
- I guess in every man's life,
there's a Lizanne, huh, d*ck?
- No. No, Farm Boy, there isn't.
Paging Dr. Cake,
Dr. John E. Cake.
Paging Dr. Cake,
Dr. John E. Cake.
- Excuse me.
That mirror's at a bad
angle. I can't see my face.
- It's angled so you can
watch the birth of your baby.
- Oh. Why would I
want to watch that
when I could look
at something pretty?
- Some people think giving birth
is the most beautiful
sight there is.
- Well, that's okay
for some people,
for some dumb people, to be.
But some people ain't me.
Ew!
- Are you in pain?
- We Vanderkellens
don't experience pain.
Unless you're talking about the
painful burden of great wealth.
- Hi, Stephanie.
I thought you might
need some support
since Michael won't be around.
- They wouldn't let
you wear your sweater
over that gown, huh?
- I didn't ask,
and they said no.
- Well, make yourself
useful and adjust that mirror
so I can fix my hair.
- Stephanie, when
you give birth,
it doesn't matter
what you look like.
- Joanna, newborns
are very impressionable.
I don't want mine
frightened by unruly hair.
You might want to run a
comb through that mess.
Eww.
I really felt that one. This
is beginning to annoy me.
- I'll go get Dr. Grossman.
- You know, Stephanie,
as the father of this child,
Michael really should be here.
- He was there
for the conception.
He didn't think we
needed a film crew then.
Eww!
- Look, Michael was
just overly excited
about the birth of his child.
If he's guilty of anything,
it's that he loves you
and the baby too much.
- Eww.
Is there any way to
stop these things?
Breathe into a paper
bag or something?
- Well, I hear we're
ready to sh**t out a baby.
- No. I've decided to hold it in
until we find my
over-loving husband.
- Stephanie, you
can't hold a baby in
if it's ready to come out.
- I'm a Vanderkellen, I
can do anything I want.
- You also said a
Vanderkellen doesn't feel pain
and you were wrong about that.
- Oh, is this really any
of your business, Lucy?
- Look, the baby's
a Vanderkellen too,
so if it wants out,
it's coming out.
- But it's also half Harris.
I mean, maybe the
Vanderkellen half
could talk the Harris
half into staying inside.
Does that make sense to anyone?
- Not at all.
- Eww!
Joanna, I'm scared.
What if the baby
doesn't like me?
- Oh Stephanie,
there's no greater love
than the love a child
has for his mother.
- That was very
inspirational, Joanna.
You and d*ck should
write a book of clichés.
Michael!
- I'm here for you,
my little beer nut.
- Okay Joanna, you can go now.
- Don't I even get a
"Thanks for stopping by"?
- I'm in labor.
I don't have time to
be my usual polite self.
Oh, all right.
Joanna, your hair
doesn't look so bad.
- Thanks. Hang in there.
- I had to say something
nice. She seemed so down.
- Hey doc, glad you popped in.
We might have some work for you.
Is this Mrs. Doctor, Doctor?
- Eww.
Michael, this is not
the time or place
for your Dean Martin impression.
- This is no impression.
I had three sips of beer.
- Michael!
Well, right after
this baby's born,
you are drying out at
the Betty Ford Clinic.
You can stay in
my father's suite.
- Eww.
- This looks like it.
- Good gourd, you mean
our cot train is pulling in?
Oh, my petite Guernsey.
I'm so, so sorry
about that little
lights, camera,
contractions fiasco.
- Oh Michael, who cares?
Now what did we
learn in that baby class?
- That most of the other parents
drive cheap domestic cars.
- We really should
have taken notes.
- Jump back, I do
remember something else!
Pull, Steph, pull.
- That doesn't sound right.
- You know, pushing
is another way to go.
- Push, Steph, push.
- Michael, is that a bead of
perspiration on my forehead?
- Oh Lordy, it is.
You want me to clear the
room before anyone else sees it?
- No, that won't be necessary.
I've decided it's okay if
I perspire during labor.
- You'll do anything
for this baby, won't you?
- Eww.
I feel it coming.
Quick, tilt the mirror
down so I can see.
- Away from your face,
Cuppers? Are you sure?
- Yes. It doesn't
matter what I look like.
I want to see our beautiful
baby come into this world.
- Oh, sweet pea, I don't
know when I've loved you
as much as right now.
- Shut up and tilt the
damn mirror down.
- You got it, my bellowing babe.
Oh my God, the miracle of birth.
- I can see our baby.
- I can see it too, Steph.
I see a little bald
head, with glasses.
- That's the doctor.
- You hear that, Steph?
Our baby's a doctor.
- You're looking
at Dr. Grossman.
- Oh muffin, you're giving
birth to a Jewish doctor.
- Oh Michael, you're so
stupid when you're drunk.
- My son, the Jewish doctor.
- Congratulations, it's a girl.
- My daughter,
the Jewish doctor.
Oh Steph, aren't the two
of us just so wonderful?
- No, Michael, the three of us.
- Oh Cuppers, I love you so.
- Oh, Michael!
Not in front of the kid.
- I think Michael and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful parents.
- Oh, absolutely.
Michael and Stephanie
will make wonderful parents.
- I think Michael and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful parents.
- I think that Michael
and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful parents.
- I think Michael and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful parents.
Can I go now?
- Meow!
Eat it as fast as
you possibly can.
- What's the rush, dear?
- I go on maternity leave
as soon as the
breakfast dishes are done.
So let's chow down. Okay?
- Stephanie, let Mrs.
Pesko enjoy her meal.
- Look, I give birth in a week
and I intend to pamper
myself until then.
So the sooner she
polishes off that French toast,
the sooner I get
to soak in a tub
with cucumber slices on my eyes.
Still nursing those
eggs, huh, d*ck?
- Yeah, I like to
linger over my yolks.
It soothes me.
Oh, and I wouldn't
mind some fresh coffee.
- Oh, you just love to make
a pregnant woman jump,
don't you?
- Why have we kept
her on for six years?
- We're idiots.
- You two cuties
up for a quick Q&A?
- Depends on the Q.
- Here's the quiz, kids.
What kind of parents do you
think Stephanie and I will make?
You're up first, JoJo.
- Well, I think if
you and Stephanie
can put aside your selfishness
and realize that this baby
is going to be totally
dependent on you
and will require
constant guidance and...
- Cut! What a negative Nelly.
I should have
prompted you first.
Here, think fun and read.
- "I think Michael and Stephanie
"will make absolutely
wonderful parents."
- Thanks, Mrs. L.
That means so much
coming from you.
d*ck?
I can't talk, I'm eating.
- Hey, George-man.
What kind of parents do you
think Stephanie and I will make?
- I think Michael and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful puppets.
Oh, sorry, parents.
- Thanks, G-sters.
That means so much
coming from you.
- When will this be on TV?
- Never.
I'm putting together a tape
as a gift for my
yet-to-be-born newborn.
- You better erase me.
I don't mind fibbing
to thousands of
folks out in TV land,
but I could never lie to a
baby that hasn't been born yet.
- The show will be on Wednesday
after Jake and the Fatman.
- Great time slot.
I hope the camera doesn't
put ten pounds on me,
like it does to Joe Penny.
- Hi Michael, are you asking
everyone the big question?
- Well, I squeezed the correct
answer out of Joanna and George,
but d*ck's playing mute du jour.
- d*ck.
I can't talk while I'm eating.
- What about the
others on your list?
- I've interviewed everyone
except Dr. Grossman
and the scrub nurse,
but I figure I could nab
them once we're in delivery.
- Do you actually think
you're bringing that camera
into the delivery room?
- Well, how else can I capture
the slapping of our sapling's
posterior for posterity, pookie?
- I forbid you to tape
the birth of our baby.
- Why?
- There is a slim chance
I won't look beautiful
when I'm in labor.
- But a lot of
couples are doing it.
- So? A lot of couples
go square dancing.
That doesn't make it
acceptable behavior.
- Point well taken.
Wouldn't the two of
you like to view a video
of my mama llama
dropping our tottling?
Can't talk, we're eating.
- Michael, look
deep into my eyes.
What are they doing?
- Squinting.
- And what does that signify?
- That I'll be singing soprano
if I don't watch my step.
- Now promise me
you will not bring that
camera into the delivery room.
- But, Cuppers...
I promise, I will not bring this
camera into the delivery room.
- Good.
You two have stuffed
your faces long enough.
I'm officially on
maternity leave.
- You do intend to keep
your promise, don't you?
- Sorta.
You know what I got up here?
- You... you tell us.
- Plans, my friends, big plans.
- Do we have
earthquakes in Vermont?
- Only when the Stones
play the Civic Center.
- My body started
rumbling and it scared me.
- Stephanie, you had
your first contraction.
- I did?
- But I didn't get it on tape.
- Shouldn't we be rushing
to the hospital or something?
- d*ck's right.
I can't give birth in a filthy
disgusting dining room.
- I'll go start up the car.
- Let's take d*ck's car in case
I'm early and things get messy.
- So pregnant,
and yet so practical.
- Stephanie, how
are you feeling?
- I think I felt
another earthquake.
- I-It must have
been a-an aftershock.
- Where's Michael?
- He's in the cafeteria.
He was asking the guy who
fills the cigarette machines
what kind of parents you'd make.
Eww! Huh!
I think I felt another
one of those twingies.
- Contractions, Stephanie.
Don't you remember
that word from Lamaze?
- Well, Michael and I didn't
pay that much attention in class.
We were too busy giggling
at all the other mothers'
godawful maternity outfits.
- Tsk, tsk. I mean, being
pregnant is no excuse
for... for throwing all
fashion sense out the window.
- Ain't that the gospel!
- You know, that last
twingy smarted a little.
I hope this childbirth
thing isn't painful.
- Well, I hear some women
experience a teeny bit of agony.
- Well, that won't do at all.
Quick, I need
comforting thoughts.
- Well, you know...
hang, uh, hang... hang in there.
- Hang in there?
Isn't that that stupid poster
of that mangy kitten
doing chin-ups?
- Well yeah, but you know, the...
the message is... is universal.
- d*ck, it's a cliché.
- You're supposed
to be a writer.
- I'm sorry I let you all down.
- Boy, you wouldn't
think a neurosurgeon
would need 12
takes to get it right.
- Why is that
camera in this room?
I thought I threatened
you about that.
- Au contraire, Cuppers.
You threatened me
about bringing this
into the delivery room.
- Oh, I'm getting my
threats all mixed up.
I'm in labor, you know.
Ow!
I think that twingy was it.
People, it's now time
for me to give birth
to the most beautiful
baby ever born.
- I'll go get Don and Phil.
- The Everly Brothers?
- No, the orderlies.
- Darn!
- Hang in there.
- Oh, you're so sweet, Michael.
- All right, listen up, crew.
We are at two
minutes and counting,
so man your prenatal positions.
Hey Bud, no one's budging.
- No. They're on
coffee break, Mikey.
- What? My pet's ready to pop.
When's it over?
- About an hour, Mikey.
- An hour coffee break?
- They got a
strong union, Mikey.
- Enough with the Mikeys.
Look, I'm thrilled you
guys could all be here
for my wife's birth,
but time's a-ticking,
so how about you
boychicks cut your break a bit
so we can get this
damn thing on film?
- You've got to take that
up with our union rep, Mikey.
- All right, fine, where is he?
- Right here, Mikey.
- Will you let these guys
work through their break?
Hey, afterwards I'll
buy everybody bagels.
- And cream cheese?
- Yes.
Mike, ready for sound check.
- Okay, Bud, you're up.
- Oh, okay.
How's that for you, Bill?
Nice, Mikey. You
want reverb on that?
- Yeah, it wouldn't hurt.
- Hey, get ready, she's coming.
She's coming!
- Alright, everybody.
- Stephanie Gives Birth
to the Most Beautiful Baby
Ever Born, take one.
Quiet, please.
On a bell.
Hurry up, action.
- What the hell are you doing?
You promised you
wouldn't sh**t this!
Ow.
- Actually Cuppers, I promised
I wouldn't use my camcorder.
You didn't say anything
about using three studio cams
and a crew of 15.
- Get out!
- Huh?
- You will have nothing to
do with the birth of this baby.
- Cuppers, how about
just two studio cams?
- Out!
What are you all just
standing around for?
- Mikey promised us bagels.
- And cream cheese.
- Out! Out! Out!
All of you, out.
You, wait.
Thank you.
Out! Out!
- Sorry it took so long,
but I had to wait for
the heads to go down.
- Oh, that's okay.
We'd rather have flat beers
than those ones with the
heads on them any day.
- Sure.
So, what are you drinking to?
- Oh, the wife kicked
this pig out on his skin.
- Were you cheating on her?
- Heavens, no.
- You wanna?
- Heavens, no.
My prime-time pumpkin
is moments away
from producing a spinoff.
- His... his wife's
expecting a baby.
Uh, could we get some
pretzels, preferably, you know,
stale ones to go with
our... our flat beers?
- Sorry, we're out
of stale pretzels.
I'll bring you stale popcorn.
- How can my sweetums
throw me out like that?
Was what I did
for love so wrong?
- Michael, you
brought 15 burly men
in-into that delivery room.
- You're right.
I guess I should have gone
without the stunt double.
- It's on the house.
If Lucky, my boss, asks,
you're a restaurant critic.
- Gotcha.
- Can I say something?
- Is it going to be
a burp, George?
- Not yet.
When my cow,
Lizanne, gave birth,
I was with her every
step of the way.
Do you mind if I sit
for the rest of this?
- No, George.
I'm sure it won't spoil
the impact o-of your story.
- Anyway, when
delivery time came,
Lizanne suddenly
didn't want me around.
She started mooing
and kicking at my head.
But I stood my ground
and I was there to see the
birth of my... well, her child.
- George, maybe... maybe
you better stop there.
You know, you
have had half a beer.
Y-You don't want
to betray a trust.
- Please, d*ck, I
wish to hear more.
Continue the yarn.
- The upshot is that even
though Lizanne protested,
she did appreciate
me being there.
- She... she told
you that, did she?
- Let's just say she
named her calf Farm Boy.
- Golly gee golly, if George
can stand by his cow,
then yumping yiminy,
I can stand by my wife.
Right, d*ck?
- Can't talk, I'm eating.
- I'm going to zip
over to that hospital
and help my little heifer
with the birth of our calf.
Whoa, I should have
never had that third sip.
- Yeah, that's the one that
makes your knees wobble.
- If I drink any more,
I'm going to start telling
you about my Lizanne.
- I guess in every man's life,
there's a Lizanne, huh, d*ck?
- No. No, Farm Boy, there isn't.
Paging Dr. Cake,
Dr. John E. Cake.
Paging Dr. Cake,
Dr. John E. Cake.
- Excuse me.
That mirror's at a bad
angle. I can't see my face.
- It's angled so you can
watch the birth of your baby.
- Oh. Why would I
want to watch that
when I could look
at something pretty?
- Some people think giving birth
is the most beautiful
sight there is.
- Well, that's okay
for some people,
for some dumb people, to be.
But some people ain't me.
Ew!
- Are you in pain?
- We Vanderkellens
don't experience pain.
Unless you're talking about the
painful burden of great wealth.
- Hi, Stephanie.
I thought you might
need some support
since Michael won't be around.
- They wouldn't let
you wear your sweater
over that gown, huh?
- I didn't ask,
and they said no.
- Well, make yourself
useful and adjust that mirror
so I can fix my hair.
- Stephanie, when
you give birth,
it doesn't matter
what you look like.
- Joanna, newborns
are very impressionable.
I don't want mine
frightened by unruly hair.
You might want to run a
comb through that mess.
Eww.
I really felt that one. This
is beginning to annoy me.
- I'll go get Dr. Grossman.
- You know, Stephanie,
as the father of this child,
Michael really should be here.
- He was there
for the conception.
He didn't think we
needed a film crew then.
Eww!
- Look, Michael was
just overly excited
about the birth of his child.
If he's guilty of anything,
it's that he loves you
and the baby too much.
- Eww.
Is there any way to
stop these things?
Breathe into a paper
bag or something?
- Well, I hear we're
ready to sh**t out a baby.
- No. I've decided to hold it in
until we find my
over-loving husband.
- Stephanie, you
can't hold a baby in
if it's ready to come out.
- I'm a Vanderkellen, I
can do anything I want.
- You also said a
Vanderkellen doesn't feel pain
and you were wrong about that.
- Oh, is this really any
of your business, Lucy?
- Look, the baby's
a Vanderkellen too,
so if it wants out,
it's coming out.
- But it's also half Harris.
I mean, maybe the
Vanderkellen half
could talk the Harris
half into staying inside.
Does that make sense to anyone?
- Not at all.
- Eww!
Joanna, I'm scared.
What if the baby
doesn't like me?
- Oh Stephanie,
there's no greater love
than the love a child
has for his mother.
- That was very
inspirational, Joanna.
You and d*ck should
write a book of clichés.
Michael!
- I'm here for you,
my little beer nut.
- Okay Joanna, you can go now.
- Don't I even get a
"Thanks for stopping by"?
- I'm in labor.
I don't have time to
be my usual polite self.
Oh, all right.
Joanna, your hair
doesn't look so bad.
- Thanks. Hang in there.
- I had to say something
nice. She seemed so down.
- Hey doc, glad you popped in.
We might have some work for you.
Is this Mrs. Doctor, Doctor?
- Eww.
Michael, this is not
the time or place
for your Dean Martin impression.
- This is no impression.
I had three sips of beer.
- Michael!
Well, right after
this baby's born,
you are drying out at
the Betty Ford Clinic.
You can stay in
my father's suite.
- Eww.
- This looks like it.
- Good gourd, you mean
our cot train is pulling in?
Oh, my petite Guernsey.
I'm so, so sorry
about that little
lights, camera,
contractions fiasco.
- Oh Michael, who cares?
Now what did we
learn in that baby class?
- That most of the other parents
drive cheap domestic cars.
- We really should
have taken notes.
- Jump back, I do
remember something else!
Pull, Steph, pull.
- That doesn't sound right.
- You know, pushing
is another way to go.
- Push, Steph, push.
- Michael, is that a bead of
perspiration on my forehead?
- Oh Lordy, it is.
You want me to clear the
room before anyone else sees it?
- No, that won't be necessary.
I've decided it's okay if
I perspire during labor.
- You'll do anything
for this baby, won't you?
- Eww.
I feel it coming.
Quick, tilt the mirror
down so I can see.
- Away from your face,
Cuppers? Are you sure?
- Yes. It doesn't
matter what I look like.
I want to see our beautiful
baby come into this world.
- Oh, sweet pea, I don't
know when I've loved you
as much as right now.
- Shut up and tilt the
damn mirror down.
- You got it, my bellowing babe.
Oh my God, the miracle of birth.
- I can see our baby.
- I can see it too, Steph.
I see a little bald
head, with glasses.
- That's the doctor.
- You hear that, Steph?
Our baby's a doctor.
- You're looking
at Dr. Grossman.
- Oh muffin, you're giving
birth to a Jewish doctor.
- Oh Michael, you're so
stupid when you're drunk.
- My son, the Jewish doctor.
- Congratulations, it's a girl.
- My daughter,
the Jewish doctor.
Oh Steph, aren't the two
of us just so wonderful?
- No, Michael, the three of us.
- Oh Cuppers, I love you so.
- Oh, Michael!
Not in front of the kid.
- I think Michael and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful parents.
- Oh, absolutely.
Michael and Stephanie
will make wonderful parents.
- I think Michael and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful parents.
- I think that Michael
and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful parents.
- I think Michael and Stephanie
will make absolutely
wonderful parents.
Can I go now?
- Meow!