08x16 - Seein' Double

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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08x16 - Seein' Double

Post by bunniefuu »

- How's your cold doing, George?

- What cold?

- Never mind.

- Stephanie, if you
lowered your arm,

something might
actually get cleaned.

- It would also
cause dust to fly,

which is unhealthy for my baby.

- You really don't think things
through, do you, Joanna?

- Hail hail, apple and
apple-ette of my eye.

d*ck, Jo-Jo, Loudon up.

This cook has concocted
a tasty new way

to serve up your TV shows.

- I'm salivating
in anticipation.

- I'm flip-flopping
your time slots.

From now on, ye
will be on before ye.

You see? Is that a plan or what?

- You see, the
thing about a plan is,

usually it has, like, a purpose.

- Really? Huh.

- All you people ever
talk about is television.

Everyone in my world
is obsessed with TV.

- I'm not.

- Well, you're also not
part of my world, George.

Oh, okay. You're on the fringe.

- Surf's uppers, Cuppers.

I just had a tidal
wave of an idea.

- Oh, let me take a wild guess.

You're flip-flopping
our time slots again?

- Possibly, possibly.

But right now my notion
is to give my huffin' muffin

a show of her own.

- My own TV show?

Where I'll be the
center of attention

and people will write me
fan mail I'll never answer?

- Oh, use... use a form
letter. It's just as impersonal.

- True.

Michael, I don't know
if I can do a show

like d*ck's or Joanna's.

- Actually, it's not
as hard as it looks.

- No, I mean, I want
to do something good.

Something that
would affect people.

That would change the world.

- How about a sitcom?

- Yes!
- Yes!

And with me writing, producing
and directing this thing,

how could it fail?

- Easy. With you
writing, producing

and directing this thing.

- Michael, have you ever
done a sitcom before?

- Nay, Joanna, I have not.

But I have seen every episode
of every sitcom ever created.

Except for that Brady Bunch

where Mr. Brady buys
the kids a pool table.

- So, um...

who else is going to be
in this sitcom of yours?

- No one. Just me. That's all.

Nobody else.

- Yeah, Joanna,
the other characters

would just get in the way.

- Being an
aficionado of the form,

I must point out that
every successful sitcom

needs a good stooge.

- That's true. You
need a goofball.

A doofus.

Someone so thick he
always misses the point.

Is that right?

Is that even what
we're talking about?

- I can play a doofus.

I'm not afraid to look silly.

- As you're
demonstrating right now.

- Excuse my sexism
Broadway, Jo-Jo,

but the best stooges are men.

The paragon being the
incomparable Don Knotts.

- Hey, what about
d*ck for the stooge?

Doesn't WPIV have
you in one of those deals

where you have to do
everything they say?

- I don't...

I don't know... know
what you're talking about.

- See, he's a natural.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Uh, thanks, George.

B-By the way, you're no
longer part of my world.

- Who needs your world?
I'm on Stephanie's fringe.

- You know, I also have
an overall deal at the station.

Maybe I could play
Stephanie's best friend.

- Excuse us.

- No.
- No.

A best friend is someone
you'd borrow clothes from.

I mean, come on.

- Shazam. We'll
throw Joanna a bone.

- She'll play my dog?

- An even better part.
An even smaller part.

- Congratulations, Joanna,

you are now part
of my sitcom family.

- Oh!

- Of course, you might
have to memorize a line.

- I can do it, I can do it!
d*ck, I might have a line!

- Oh, th-that's nice, honey.

You know, let's
hope it's a funny one.

- Yeah.

- So, writer,
producer, director,

when can we sh**t my sitcom?

- Well, let's see.

I still have to come
up with a premise.

Write the script.

Have sets built.

Hire a crew.

What, two days?

- Quality takes time.

- ♪ Look it's Jody ♪

♪ No it's Judy! ♪

♪ We're seein' double! ♪

♪ Teenage twins
Are double duty ♪

♪ We're seeing double! ♪

♪ Since their mom
Drowned in a lake ♪

♪ Dad has taught
His girls to bake ♪

♪ baloney cake ♪

♪ It's really groany ♪

♪ Oh Jude and Jody ♪

♪ What mischief
you twins get into! ♪

♪ Twice the trouble
We're seeing double! ♪

Aren't you?

- I wonder which
of my 15-year-old

identical twin daughters,
Judy or Jody, did this to me...

their father, Henry Bumpter.

- Hi, Daddy!

- All right, which
one of you twins

cut a hole in my paper?

- Uh-oh.

- Jody, I thought so.

I knew it couldn't
have been Judy,

she's my little bookworm.

Jody is my little troublemaker.

- Come on, Daddy, I don't
cause that much trouble.

Whoops.

Okay, Daddy, I
cut up your paper.

And I'm sorry.

Especially since today
is your 35th birthday.

And also the anniversary
of our mommy's death

in that freak fishing accident.

- Cheer up, twins.

Remember your mother
is in a better place now.

- You mean, the
bottom of Lake Titicaca?

- No, on the shores
of... Lake Heaven.

Where no one ever gets
tangled in fishing lines.

- Oh, Daddy!

You're the swellest.

Well, Judy, we better
get back into that kitchen

and start dinner
before Daddy finds out

I used his brand new
pipe to blow soap bubbles.

- Look who's here!

It's your man-crazy next
door neighbor, Smitty!

- Hey, Smitty, seen
any hunks lately?

- Yeah, the mailman.

What a hunk!

I'd like to give him
a special delivery.

- Smitty, I have a problem.

- Sounds serious, Hank.

What is it?

- Irregularity.

Also the twins.

Jody's a prankster
and Judy's a bookworm.

I'm sure I wouldn't
have these problems

if their mother,
Harriet, were still alive.

Gosh, I miss her so.

- What you need is a chick.
A mother hen for the girls.

And someone
finger-licking good for you.

- Come on, Smitty.

What woman would give these
graying temples a second look?

- Hey, just do what
my hunk boyfriends do.

Dye your hair jet black.

- All right, I'll do it.

Tonight I'm going to dye.

My hair.

- Oh, Judy, I just heard
the most terrible thing.

Our daddy's
going to die tonight.

Seein' Double! Will
be back on the double!

And now, back to Seein' Double!

Ha ha ha!

- Oh, I know that look.

You're thinking maybe I
didn't hear Daddy right.

Well, maybe I've
done that before,

like the time I thought
David Letterman was coming,

because I overheard
Daddy tell Smitty,

"Guess who's
coming to visit? David."

I know if I hadn't
jumped to conclusions

and had waited for Daddy
to finish his sentence,

I would have learned it
wasn't David Letterman coming,

but David Smith,
an old family friend.

But this time's different!
You gotta believe me!

You just gotta!

Oh, you do believe me, you do!

So, what now, Sis?

We can't just ignore this thing

and hope it'll disappear
like Jimmy Hoffa,

Amelia Earhart, Judge Crater

and the comedy team
of Wayne and Shuster.

Oh, you think we should pray.

Good idea.

Now where's that damn, I
mean, darn, prayer book?

In the pantry, of course.

You always know
where everything is.

You're so organized.

Not bubbleheaded like me.

Is this it, Judy?

No, Jody, that's
Daddy's bottle of scotch.

Oh, here's the book, Jody.

Hey, this isn't the prayer book.

It's my diary and
someone's been reading it.

Jody Bumpter.

Okay, you're forgiven.

Now let's pray to God.

Dear God, you took our mommy.

Please don't take
our daddy, too.

Also, could you
lend a helping hand

to all our brothers and
sisters in communist countries?

Thank you. Amen.

We should do something
special for Daddy tonight.

After all, it is his
birthday and he's dying.

What's his favorite thing
in the whole wide world?

No, Jody, it used to be fishing.

Now it's eating cream pie.

And we're going to make
him the best one ever.

And could you try to be a
little less messy this time?

Okay.

Maybe I didn't think
when I put the firecracker

in the Mix Master.

Twin daughters.

It's me, Henry
Bumpter, your father.

- Daddy's home! Uh-oh.

I hope I didn't
goof up the recipe.

And put detergent
instead of flour in that pie.

- Boy!

I'd love to give that Hulk
Hogan the old Smitty-slam.

Hey! No hair dye.

Smitty is a number six.

You want chicks,
you can't chicken out.

- I don't need any
hair dye anymore.

At the drugstore I met the
most beautiful pharmacist.

- You think Maurice
Fishbine is beautiful?

Well, I'll be a jive turkey.

- I'm not talking about Maurice,
I'm talking about his daughter.

Her name is Harriet, just
like my late wife, Harriet.

- Well, did you ask this Harriet
out for a little hot-cha-cha?

- Didn't have to.
She asked me out.

- Where are you taking
this chick-a-rooney?

- To a... to a costume ball.

I'm going as the
35-year-old father

of 15-year-old twin girls.

Either that, or as
a giant rutabaga.

- And Harriet, the pharmacist?

- She'll be going
as the Grim Reaper.

She'll be here at
seven to pick me up.

- So, what you're saying is

the Grim Reaper is
coming for you at 7 o'clock.

- Or to put it another way,

I'm going to see
Harriet tonight.

- Well, I guess I'll go over
to the gym and pump iron.

Iron is the name of the
stud who runs the juice bar.

- Twin daughters, I'm
going to my room now.

- I can't believe
what you just told me,

that the Grim Reaper is
coming for Daddy at 7 o'clock.

Uh-oh, the Grim Reaper is early.

Maybe if we're quiet,

he'll think no one's
home and go away.

How ironic.

Jody knocked over the urn
that contains Mother's ashes.

Oh, great, now the Grim
Reaper knows we're here.

Oh, you have a scheme?

Okay, you go in the kitchen
and get the you-know-what.

I'll stall the Grim Reaper.

Is that you, Grim Reaper?

Why yes, it is.

- Uh... we already
gave at the lake.

Jody, are you ready yet?

Okay.

On three.

One, two...

Why, hi.

I'm Ha... We know who you are.

Three! Here's pie in your eye.

- Why, I never.

Mmm, detergent.

- Looks like the Grim
Reaper got his just desserts.

- Jody, Judy, why did you
just throw a detergent pie

in Harriet's face?

- Harriet?

You know the Grim Reaper
by name and it's a woman?

Man, oh, man.

- That Grim Reaper was my date.

We were going to a costume ball.

What must've happened

was you misinterpreted
what you heard earlier...

and thought I was dying

when actually I was
just going to dye my hair

so I could meet a nice woman.

- Oh, Daddy, we're sorry
we jumped to conclusions.

We were afraid of losing
you like we lost Mommy.

- Oh, my twins,
you'll never lose me.

Sure, I may have
a few gray hairs,

which get even grayer
the more you two pull

your teenage shenanigans,
but heck, I'm only 35.

I'm going to be your
father for years to come.

Oh, my twins, I love you so.

- Oh, Daddy, we
love you so, too!

- Look who's here!

Man-crazy Smitty with big news!

Me and Iron are getting hitched!

Come on in, you stud, you!

- Hi everybody!

- It's like I'm seeing double.

- Hey, check out these
ratings, d*ck-so-apso.

Through the shingles!

Those couch potatoes
were glued to their tubers.

- Those couch potatoes
have IQs of spuds.

- There they are.

There's the cast
of Seein' Double!

- Not me, I'm just
a Seein' Double!

Groupie.

- The Seein' Double!
Production office said

I'd find you here.

You played the
irrepressible Jody.

And you are Henry,
the mean-spirited father.

And you were the Grim Reaper.

- That's right! You
recognized me!

- Hey, where's that
Judy, the bookworm?

- Oh, she's in the kitchen

cleaning up another
one of Jody's messes.

- Right!

- Actually, my
extraordinary talents

allowed me to play both parts.

- Nobody is that good!

- Well, maybe nobody you know.

- And you... you're
Michael Harris.

Tell me, has anyone ever
used the word "genius"

to describe you?

- I have.

- Well, listen, my name
is Brendon du Berg...

- Network VP Brendon du Berg?

Then you're the genius!

- Oh no, no, you are.

- Well, I can't take
credit for anything, you...

- Boys, boys, boys!

By TV standards,
you're both geniuses.

- Good point, Bumpter.

Anyway, when I
get back to the coast,

I want to order 13
episodes of Seein' Double!

For the fall season.

- Did you hear that?

We're going to be stars!

- Of course, we'll have
to dump the Bumpter.

Too mean spirited
for prime time.

- Drat.

- We can k*ll him off in
another freak fishing accident

and have Smitty and her
Iron chap raise the twins.

- Genius! Genius this man!

- No, you are the true genius.
- You started it!

- No, really, you
are the true...

- Must be the president
of the United States.

Probably wants to put Judy
and Jody on Mount Rushmore.

Hello?

- So, what do you think my
chances are for an Emmy?

- Oh, the buzz
around Tinsel Town

is you're a shoe-in.

- I thought so.

I just wanted to
reconfirm the obvious.

- That was your... your network.

There was a shakeup back there.

Your secretary
staged a coup and...

you're out.

- Damn!

And I was only there a week.

- Wait, wait a minute.

What about Seein' Double!?

- After I down a
few stiff light beers,

I'll be seeing triple.

Ciao!

- Well, there goes my dream of
a Grim Reaper Christmas special.

- All's not grim, Grim.

So, we're not going network.

Well, by gum,
we'll just stay here

and be the best local sitcom

the state of Vermont
has ever seen.

- No, Michael, I think I
should put my show on hiatus

for a while.

This TV business is too unstable

for a beautiful
young mother like me.

But rest assured, those
dazzling twin jewels,

Judy and Jody, will live
on in our hearts forever.

- It's all right, Joanna.

You'll always be the
Grim Reaper in my life.

- Oh, George.

- I'd rather die.

My hair!

- Meow.
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